Sunday, December 14, 2008

Maybe Pregnancy Was Doomed

I think I'm realizing perhaps this pregnancy was doomed from the start. I think I, personally, could have done some things differently and my main regret is consenting to the MRI, because I know for a fact, all of my symptoms STOPPED almost immediately after, and that morning, they were all there.

But, I had very severe pain which was unexplained. I had water gushing out and no one listened, and severe pressure and pain. Also, I have migraines, and obviously, no one would have helped me with this, soon enough.

The clinic where I was starting care had the doctors who acted like I was a drug user for using morphine when prescribed, for migraine.

The thing is, as a result of their prejudice, I was trying to control them with Advil, which is technically, as weird as it sounds, WORSE, and the migraines would have just gotten worse over time.

While it sounds strange, narcotics are probably the best way to treat migraine, in pregnancy. I've read up on it, and that is one thing Dr. Butler did right, even though later he was trying to push narcotics on me for everything, including back pain I didn't have anymore (and then claiming I was "drug seeking"). But it's a fact, if you research it, narcotics are pretty much harmless to a fetus because they don't cross a certain barrier, or affect the health. Advil DOES. And, even though I only had 2 inhales during almost 3 months of pregnancy, in a desperate attempt to try to control my migraine, it's not ideal. I don't know really.

All I know, is that OVER and OVER, I have doctors who don't LISTEN to me. Which is why I take responsibility when things happen that are not good, but for which I was listened to, treated in a reasonable manner, and for which I gave consent.

I knew, ahead of time, that I would not be able to have a safe pregnancy here in the U.S. and I think I was right. I knew it before it even happened, because of all the bullshit slander against me, I haven't had any decent medical care.

I really think the U.S. health system is down the pipes anyway. I have been around and through, more idiot doctors than good ones. Some of them know how to maintain a patient, but have absolutely zero analytical skills. Like, don't ask a doctor to figure out what's wrong with you--you have to do it yourSELF.

I actually think I'd be a good diagnostic doctor. It would be rewarding, and I would delve into figuring things out. But I've already tried chemistry and I suck, and I especially suck at labs because my math is terrible and I'm not anal enough. I think you have to be somewhat anal to be any good at labs. You need to care about perfection in measurements and stuff, and that's not me. I'm a perfectionist in different ways.

Well, I hope others can learn from my mistakes. I learn from my mistakes as well.

Not only that, the pain I was having wasn't going to be managed by "physical therapy". The only thing that helped my pain, was being immobile or sedentary. And I wasn't in a position to do that.

If my baby is a girl, I'll still name her Beatrice Diana-Claire, and if it's a boy, what the hell, maybe River after all. It's not like he'll have to compete on an "iver" name with my son. Maybe River Armstrong Garrett, or maybe I'll end with something more classic like Allan. Maybe Allan River. I think that's it. Allan River Garrett. If it's a boy.

I am reading this whole process happens within 2 weeks usually. If it takes longer than that, I might go in. I don't want surgery bc I want to protect my chances later, but I don't know if I could handle more than 2 weeks. Who knows, maybe it will all just grow on me. I'll just be the walking memorium of spirits. Who knows, maybe I should start thinking of this like it's good luck or something. Like I live in another culture, and this is an honor and a sign of blessing. You know, if I were Catholic, I could totally work the "carrying my cross" thing. After my life, I don't think I'd spend too much time in purgatory. Well, it's another thing I can relate to, on the scale of human suffering. Another notch on the wisdom chart.

Now I've just read it can take, naturally, up to 4 months to expel naturally. I looked it up more. Without any bleeding or anything, carrying a dead baby for a month is considered totally normal, and it can go on for even 2-4 months and not be a problem. I guess the thing is to just watch for any infection.

I thought I'd just wait 2 weeks, but I'm reading too many bad things about D&Cs. It's much, much, better if you can deliver or miscarry naturally. There can be very serious problems during or after D&Cs.

I think I'm doing better about everything, so I suppose you just move on in your mind and stop dwelling on the negatives. I'm probably not going to talk about this in my blog anymore. I think it's better that my choices, whether I go in for D&C in a day or two, or not at all, are personal.

I mean, I've shared, but I'm not willing to share further. No matter what happens, I'm going to be fine!

And I know anyone can come to me, now, if they want to talk and go through something similiar, and I will understand and be able to be a reassurance and comfort, or just a listening ear. So if anyone ever reads this post and wants to write, feel free, or approach me in person if you know me and that's okay too. I hope I have a chance to be there for someone else in the future.

One of my roommates shared with me that she also miscarried after she was knocked around, and she understood and she's younger than me and it was her first and only pregnancy. She's also single, and wanted the baby. But she was able to talk to me about it and we just understood. Didn't really have to say that much either. Just a knowing.

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