I read a lot of missionary stories when I was little. Almost all of them, I think. I also loved reading survival stories. It didn't matter what someone was up against--the elements (Endurance by Edward Shackleton, Alive by the guy who survived the Andes plane crash as a cannibal), other people, or life in general. One of my favorite books, when I was very young, was called "Baby Island" (I think). It was about 2 babysitters who become stranded on an island with certain objects with them, which they must utilize in order to survive until they are rescued, with the children they care for. That one was fiction. At any rate, I read many, many, stories about the triumph of the human spirit. I believe this, my generally good upbringing from my parents, and my strong faith in God, and maybe my personality and general constitution, helped form a foundation that was able to withstand many assaults. Most people, I fully believe, if they had gone through what I've been through, WOULD be in a mental institution. I do not credit my own strength for my ability to hold up, but all of these other factors I've mentioned, which I believe God knew ahead of time would prepare me for the future.
I always knew I was different and that my life would take a different and unusual course. I didn't seek this or choose this most of the time. Sometimes I did, as when I wanted to go to the Dominican Republic and serve, with a sincere interest in perhaps selling my house and giving all my money away to live up in the mountains and help people and share my belief and testimony in Jesus Christ.
I was a virgin, and an independent single woman. I still thought that if I married, I would have to "submit" to my husband and that my job would be supporting him primarily, but I think I never got serious with anyone, because I knew I couldn't handle the constraint. Well, and I never met anyone I cared for enough, or connected to AND was attracted to, all at once. I met few interesting and smart men where I was, and if I did, they were already married or engaged. I wouldn't even look at someone if they had a girlfriend.
I became somewhat interested in one man but kept it to myself. I told no one because first he had a girlfriend and then he was engaged. He was tall, half Cuban and part black too. His mother was white. Both he and his brother were incredibly good looking AND smart. Sometimes I thought I couldn't make up my mind. But I was intrigued by the one who didn't say very much--the quieter one.
When we went to "DR" (Dominican Republic), we had to raise support first. Which I hated. We were required to ask people for money to support our mission. So I did. I was surprised that the family of my former "boyfriend" from high school supported me, when they weren't particularly religious, but an aunt on my father's side sent me a curt note about how she couldn't support trying to change an indigenous culture with American values and beliefs.
We also had "boot camp" prior to the trip. Which is where I first felt out of step with certain mindsets in church. Part of the preparation, was praying for long periods, in a group. I didn't mind that, but I prayed in my own way. This leader in charge, however, demanded we pray on our feet--she felt to kneel or pray in another position, wasn't good enough. I don't know if she just wanted to be sure people were awake or what. I felt very resistant to this. "God doesn't care what position people are in when they pray!!!" I felt indignant, and that this was an unnatural and superficial. I absolutely hated it, and went along with it, after first trying to speak quietly with the woman about my feelings. The result was that I was chosen to be the one with a whip who strikes Jesus, for the skit that was prepared at the DR.
This was humiliating to say the least, as I didn't even want to be in the play. Some people were allowed to opt out. For whatever reason, not ME! So I learned my part, and then once, when I was doing it, I was so into the character (or into someone else's character) I started to cry, thinking about Jesus really being whipped.
Thursday, March 27, 2008
The True Story of My Life #9 (After Hostage Situation)
I feel incompetent to write my own story. I can make observations and sometimes I even feel inspired. But right now, I don't even feel like writing. If I can write about something painful about my mother, I've proven to myself I can write through secrets and shame. It doesn't matter if I know some people will seize upon what I write, with satisfaction, like sharks. It doesn't matter if I'm mocked. God did give me a lot, but not more than I could bear, and I know I am supposed to share every part of it. If that takes the "mystery" away, and if in any way I diminish my own worth, in the eyes of society or a future "soulmate", then I think one or more men are spared, and I am also spared the discomfort of having to deal with mediocrity.
After the hostage situation, I stayed at my house. My roommates went through varying stages of shock and then started having symptoms of trauma. I went through my stages right in the beginning, and processed quickly. My roommates moved out. For me, to move would be signifying defeat. I also felt I had no good reason to move. I was very involved in my community and had a bunch of kids who I was taking to church and taking out for coffee and sodas. These kids came over to my house, unannounced, all the time. I really loved them with my whole heart.
I reached out further. I went to the low income apartments behind my house, and just started knocking on doors, introducing myself as the neighbor and getting to know people. I met a stripper at one apartment. She was gorgeous. This woman was a beautiful black young woman with a toddler at home. She had a boyfriend and then went to work at night. She was newly pregnant and still stripping. She told me, "It's sick. Some guys like it. They like pregnant women." She told me she got paid more when she was pregnant, but that one time, a guy acted like he saw her as a person and cared, and gave her a bunch of money simply out of concern, telling her to take care of herself and that she was worth more.
I took this woman to my church's food bank. I also introduced her to Pastor Probasco's wife and they had a private meeting. We visited and I saw there were feces from her child's diaper, on the carpet and the wall. I asked her if there was anything she needed that I could help her with. She asked if I could vaccum and told me she didn't have a vaccum. She was going to move out or someone was coming to inspect, and she wanted to have her house clean. I gulped. I said no problem. I remember thinking, as someone who doesn't particularly love to clean house, this was the most disgusting thing I could ever do. I didn't want to do it. I thought about it, and dreaded the day, but I pulled myself together, put my vaccum cleaner in my car, and drove over to her house on the agreed day. I knocked forever. She wasn't home. I remember saying to God, "THANK YOU!!!!" I thought, "Wow. I hope that was just a test, and I hope I passed and don't have to go back..."
I tried to find out what happened to the woman. I was later told she was at a woman's shelter in hiding from her boyfriend who had abused her. So everything eventually worked out for everyone.
At that time in my life, I believed everything was a "test". An opportunity. A challenge. Even something bad could be used for good, and I believed I was building character and strength. My biggest mistake was in thinking MOST people, even christians, were on the same page. I thought, you just give, and it will come back to you. I have learned this isn't true. Sometimes it comes back to you, but other times, you give, and you cannot expect anything in return, and to do so is to set oneself up for major disappointment and bitterness.
I considered, at that time, becoming a missionary. I was a dedicated christian, and I loved adventure. I thought, conservative enough at that time, I could be a "missionary's wife" but not a "pastor's wife". I needed the excitement and culture, not hum-drum picket fences. I was blending my need for adventure with my conservative beliefs that sharing scripture with others could save their souls.
I signed up with my church for a housebuilding missions trip to The Dominican Republic.
After the hostage situation, I stayed at my house. My roommates went through varying stages of shock and then started having symptoms of trauma. I went through my stages right in the beginning, and processed quickly. My roommates moved out. For me, to move would be signifying defeat. I also felt I had no good reason to move. I was very involved in my community and had a bunch of kids who I was taking to church and taking out for coffee and sodas. These kids came over to my house, unannounced, all the time. I really loved them with my whole heart.
I reached out further. I went to the low income apartments behind my house, and just started knocking on doors, introducing myself as the neighbor and getting to know people. I met a stripper at one apartment. She was gorgeous. This woman was a beautiful black young woman with a toddler at home. She had a boyfriend and then went to work at night. She was newly pregnant and still stripping. She told me, "It's sick. Some guys like it. They like pregnant women." She told me she got paid more when she was pregnant, but that one time, a guy acted like he saw her as a person and cared, and gave her a bunch of money simply out of concern, telling her to take care of herself and that she was worth more.
I took this woman to my church's food bank. I also introduced her to Pastor Probasco's wife and they had a private meeting. We visited and I saw there were feces from her child's diaper, on the carpet and the wall. I asked her if there was anything she needed that I could help her with. She asked if I could vaccum and told me she didn't have a vaccum. She was going to move out or someone was coming to inspect, and she wanted to have her house clean. I gulped. I said no problem. I remember thinking, as someone who doesn't particularly love to clean house, this was the most disgusting thing I could ever do. I didn't want to do it. I thought about it, and dreaded the day, but I pulled myself together, put my vaccum cleaner in my car, and drove over to her house on the agreed day. I knocked forever. She wasn't home. I remember saying to God, "THANK YOU!!!!" I thought, "Wow. I hope that was just a test, and I hope I passed and don't have to go back..."
I tried to find out what happened to the woman. I was later told she was at a woman's shelter in hiding from her boyfriend who had abused her. So everything eventually worked out for everyone.
At that time in my life, I believed everything was a "test". An opportunity. A challenge. Even something bad could be used for good, and I believed I was building character and strength. My biggest mistake was in thinking MOST people, even christians, were on the same page. I thought, you just give, and it will come back to you. I have learned this isn't true. Sometimes it comes back to you, but other times, you give, and you cannot expect anything in return, and to do so is to set oneself up for major disappointment and bitterness.
I considered, at that time, becoming a missionary. I was a dedicated christian, and I loved adventure. I thought, conservative enough at that time, I could be a "missionary's wife" but not a "pastor's wife". I needed the excitement and culture, not hum-drum picket fences. I was blending my need for adventure with my conservative beliefs that sharing scripture with others could save their souls.
I signed up with my church for a housebuilding missions trip to The Dominican Republic.
Continuing with True Life Story--FBI and Catholic Church
I have put off continuing with my "true life story" too long. I need to finish filling in the details, because what has happened to me is very important, and involves many individuals in positions of public trust and power, which is why, I believe, I am where I am today and why my son is taken from me.
I left off with the hostage situation.
I am compelled to write, out of anger, because there was a time I wanted to be in the FBI. I was going to apply through the lawyer referral program. I told many people about my interest, and goal, and I believe there were some who didn't want me there. That's not the worst thing that's ever happened to me, but I did meet FBI employees after expressing this wish, who then assaulted me and slandered me to their organization.
I'm angry tonight because after this, I was falsely accused of testing positive for marijuana use at Wenatchee's hospital. The FBI employees who assaulted me were also very interested in whether I used marijuana or not, while they were in my apartment, after a "date" or who knows what it was. After everything, I lost my desire to be a part of law enforcement of any kind, even though I was more interested in "fighting corporate crime" (including churches, for sex abuse of children) and investigation. I was looking up other work for a friend, who is interested in being a forest ranger. While looking up jobs for him, I came across info about being a Border Patrol person and what will exclude someone from employment. Which led me to wonder what excludes someone from employment with the FBI and if the whole "drug use" and marijuana thing was a way to try to put dirt on me to keep me out of the agency, in more than one way. It is. And, while the only time I've ever used has been recent, short-term, and for medical purposes only, it would effectively bar me from even consideration for 3 years. By that time, I would be too old to even try to apply for work with the FBI. That is, if normal and decent people in the FBI realized a fringe group of their employees has been involved in harming me, and defaming me, I believe, on behalf of their church's interests.
At any rate, I am allegedly mentally ill AND now a drug user. But no one knows what has happened to me. My reactions to what has happened, are not signs of mental illness. They were normal reactions to severe distress and constant harassment. Which I need to get to.
I don't know. If the FBI doesn't want me after I detail everything that has happened in the last almost decade, maybe the CIA will. If not, I think I am destined to become a writer and an activist, and will need to get an AP card. I care about the truth, period, and I've suffered for wanting to know what it was, and being so bold as to dare to tell, or try to tell.
I left off with the hostage situation.
I am compelled to write, out of anger, because there was a time I wanted to be in the FBI. I was going to apply through the lawyer referral program. I told many people about my interest, and goal, and I believe there were some who didn't want me there. That's not the worst thing that's ever happened to me, but I did meet FBI employees after expressing this wish, who then assaulted me and slandered me to their organization.
I'm angry tonight because after this, I was falsely accused of testing positive for marijuana use at Wenatchee's hospital. The FBI employees who assaulted me were also very interested in whether I used marijuana or not, while they were in my apartment, after a "date" or who knows what it was. After everything, I lost my desire to be a part of law enforcement of any kind, even though I was more interested in "fighting corporate crime" (including churches, for sex abuse of children) and investigation. I was looking up other work for a friend, who is interested in being a forest ranger. While looking up jobs for him, I came across info about being a Border Patrol person and what will exclude someone from employment. Which led me to wonder what excludes someone from employment with the FBI and if the whole "drug use" and marijuana thing was a way to try to put dirt on me to keep me out of the agency, in more than one way. It is. And, while the only time I've ever used has been recent, short-term, and for medical purposes only, it would effectively bar me from even consideration for 3 years. By that time, I would be too old to even try to apply for work with the FBI. That is, if normal and decent people in the FBI realized a fringe group of their employees has been involved in harming me, and defaming me, I believe, on behalf of their church's interests.
At any rate, I am allegedly mentally ill AND now a drug user. But no one knows what has happened to me. My reactions to what has happened, are not signs of mental illness. They were normal reactions to severe distress and constant harassment. Which I need to get to.
I don't know. If the FBI doesn't want me after I detail everything that has happened in the last almost decade, maybe the CIA will. If not, I think I am destined to become a writer and an activist, and will need to get an AP card. I care about the truth, period, and I've suffered for wanting to know what it was, and being so bold as to dare to tell, or try to tell.
Panic! At the Disco Hitlist
Frivolous post, but forgot I liked Blink 182's "I Miss You" AND heard a non-soul/hip hop female singer I newly adore: Fiest. Just heard "1234". Voice of a goddess, that girl. The acoustics too, and recording is very good--you can't drown out a voice like that. It wants to be as close to the ear as possible. Musicians will know what I'm trying to say, where my literary skills fail me. This hitlist has some crazy videos, which I'm not in love with--too newspapers, beats, & goth meets abstract --uh, don't want to say "art"--industrialism??? but the music I like. Sort of 80s meets U2 meets modern world (The Killers: "Read My Mind"). Sara I like, but gotta say, Fiest woman has a much better voice. Hmmm. Augustana's "Boston"...Like IT! after the first 2 bars. Knew it was good. Panic's list is a keeper and Alicia Keys should emcee everything, including hit lists, with her speaking voice as main feature.
My CPS Case: Independent Speech Therapist
Copy of email sent to AG and CPS this morning:
I have made some contacts this morning, regarding my son. There is a speech therapist who wants to see my son, who is from out of the area and will do it, I believe, even free of charge, from a signing school. I do not want Wenatchee speech therapists to have any further contact with my son or implement any "programs" or further appointments until my son is seen by an independent speech therapist. There may be more than one who will be coming out, from 2 different organizations. They are somewhat concerned that a complete history was not taken from me by your "therapists" and that no one is advising an MRI. These people will not be paid by me. There is also a parent advocacy group which works on behalf of parents and kids regarding disability rights, which may be getting involved.
I am looking into ADA attorneys as well, for my son. There is a school that teaches signing to babies-3 years old several hours instruction per week, in Washington, which I'm looking into, and then the preschool program is for a full school day. You cannot rule out brain damage affecting my son's ability to speak, without diagnostics and it's unprofessional to assume anything without this diagnostic, especially given my son's history. I am very concerned that CPS is refusing the same diagnostics that doctors in Wenatchee refused him. Please let me know if you have called the clinics I've mentioned in order to get emergency and expedited records of my son's injury. If you don't have his records or cannot get them within the next couple of days, let me know and I will dig through my own records and fax them to you.
Do not schedule any appointments for my son without first consulting me and giving me information about the name of the provider and services requested. I also want any and all copies of my son's health charts and records from both the speech therapists in Wenatchee and Dr. Hornbee. How soon will you be sending my son's health records to me? Thanks.
Cameo
I have made some contacts this morning, regarding my son. There is a speech therapist who wants to see my son, who is from out of the area and will do it, I believe, even free of charge, from a signing school. I do not want Wenatchee speech therapists to have any further contact with my son or implement any "programs" or further appointments until my son is seen by an independent speech therapist. There may be more than one who will be coming out, from 2 different organizations. They are somewhat concerned that a complete history was not taken from me by your "therapists" and that no one is advising an MRI. These people will not be paid by me. There is also a parent advocacy group which works on behalf of parents and kids regarding disability rights, which may be getting involved.
I am looking into ADA attorneys as well, for my son. There is a school that teaches signing to babies-3 years old several hours instruction per week, in Washington, which I'm looking into, and then the preschool program is for a full school day. You cannot rule out brain damage affecting my son's ability to speak, without diagnostics and it's unprofessional to assume anything without this diagnostic, especially given my son's history. I am very concerned that CPS is refusing the same diagnostics that doctors in Wenatchee refused him. Please let me know if you have called the clinics I've mentioned in order to get emergency and expedited records of my son's injury. If you don't have his records or cannot get them within the next couple of days, let me know and I will dig through my own records and fax them to you.
Do not schedule any appointments for my son without first consulting me and giving me information about the name of the provider and services requested. I also want any and all copies of my son's health charts and records from both the speech therapists in Wenatchee and Dr. Hornbee. How soon will you be sending my son's health records to me? Thanks.
Cameo
Wednesday, March 26, 2008
No More Marijuana For Me
It works. The marijuana. I had my second migraine period, which comes after menstruation, and didn't get a migraine. Instead, I had a throbbing horrible tension headache which I've used OTCs for, 2 days in a row. But much better than migraine. I only had that one day of small inhales and wanted to try 2 days; I think 2 days would have been better, but for now, I know the trial has been long enough. I didn't want to quit after just 1 month of no migraines, because I wouldn't be able to tell for sure. So I continued.
Because I don't have a medical permit for using marijuana for this condition, I'm going to quit now. I still have 3 nasal spray things of Migranol from Canada, which I've never had to use yet. I'll use those until I get approval from a doctor to use the marijuana for total prevention. But I can't continue with my experiment right now while trying to get my son back. I didn't smoke for recreation and I'm certaintly not addicted. I don't want to quit because I haven't tried the Migranol yet and I know I'll get my migraine and then have to find something to kill enough so I don't have to go to ER.
But at this point, I'm no longer smoking until I have a legal permit. I know enough to know it works, and to recommend it to others, and for right now, I have to stop. I am fully willing to be tested randomly to see whether I use or not anymore, and I am willing to give up hair to prove I've been honest about everything, years back, and now.
Carry on! and wish me luck finding a good doc who understands.
Because I don't have a medical permit for using marijuana for this condition, I'm going to quit now. I still have 3 nasal spray things of Migranol from Canada, which I've never had to use yet. I'll use those until I get approval from a doctor to use the marijuana for total prevention. But I can't continue with my experiment right now while trying to get my son back. I didn't smoke for recreation and I'm certaintly not addicted. I don't want to quit because I haven't tried the Migranol yet and I know I'll get my migraine and then have to find something to kill enough so I don't have to go to ER.
But at this point, I'm no longer smoking until I have a legal permit. I know enough to know it works, and to recommend it to others, and for right now, I have to stop. I am fully willing to be tested randomly to see whether I use or not anymore, and I am willing to give up hair to prove I've been honest about everything, years back, and now.
Carry on! and wish me luck finding a good doc who understands.
Email to CPS For Accomodating My Son's Disability
Additionally, I expect my son to be able to work with a speech therapist who can also sign, and that as long as he is out of my placement, his shelter provider be learning signing or willing to learn so he can speak at the house and practice. I also want him around other children who sign. Finally, if there is a CPS worker who knows how to sign, who would like to work with us during this time, that may also be helpful. I expect myself to learn signing and to be able to provide encouragement and opportunity for his growth in signing. I believe my son may want to have a say in some things. You cannot wait around and try to force your way of communication, or MY/OUR way of communication upon him. It is taking the easiest route, on the part of adults, to do this. My son needs people supporting him who are willing to make sacrifices to learn something new, for his best interests, and out of a desire to know him and talk with him, and because of their love and commitment. I took my commitment seriously when I decided to have my son, and keep my son, as a single mother. For better and for worse. I did not have any prenatal testing for disabilities prior to his birth, because I was willing to accept what God had in store, and because I loved this child before he was ever born. I sang to him, talked to him, and read to him, while he was still in my womb, and did this from the time I conceived. A fetus has ears to hear with by 18 weeks gestation. You need to be willing to accomodate to my son's needs, just as I am willing. If you are not willing, you have no right to interfere with those who are. I have consistently been the best advocate for my son, and have always been right about his needs and desires, and his health. I am and have always been, an excellent provider, and you need to let your agendas down, and your pride, enough to admit this is true. If you persist in being right, you will allow "the State" and the interests of adults, to trump the best interests of the child. I ask you to examine your motives very carefully. You may not have assumed the burden of providing for, and caring for a child who needs to sign, but I did and have. I can accept this, and came to accept it before I left for Canada. He was going to be enrolled to sign there, along with me. You cannot force my son to do it "your way". You need to accomodate to him and what he is able to do NOW. Right now, you're keeping tools from him, maybe hoping beyond reason, or mistakenly thinking it will be easier and he will eventually "catch up". Please do not do me and my son any further harm with your assumptions. I have lived with my son and know his needs. Cameo
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)