Yes, I'm writing in my blog. Which I wasn't going to do. But some important things happened, and if I don't write now, I won't remember to write later. The whole discovery about my and my son's pigment stuff, plus new miscarriage stuff, and other discoveries, have come all at once. Listening to Kylie Minogue's "Somewhere Over the Rainbow".
Tonight, I got ahold of my grandfather and expressed my concerns about my son being in Mexico, and actually, for once, out of everyone, he was the most decent to me. I think it's because he knows the reality of my concerns like the others don't, because he knows some of his workers were involved in drug industry and how things go in Mexico (or here) sometimes, and he knew Nacho, the guy who I knew, who was killed.
I told them I wanted to get the message to them to bring my son back immediately and sooner than later, and not to think everything is just "fine".
It was totally irresponsible and wrong for them to take my son out of the country, especially with all the things I've had going on, and at least some of those things, my grandfather is partially aware of.
First, I don't want to offend Mexico as a country or anyone there. If I could live anywhere, safely, I would love to live in Mexico with my son. And I have no illusions about the safety of the U.S. anymore. There is a great facade of "safety" here that enough people have realized is only an illusion. People get away with serious crime here, all the time. But anyone in Mexico, and here too, would agree with me...there are some problems there now.
Is it not true, kidnappings are at an all-time high, the drug industry and cartels are in-fighting, women are buried in what is almost mass grave sites near the border and no one knows who is doing this, and numerous dangerous leaks between the U.S. and Mexico have occured.
Aside from this general climate, where anyone could think maybe taking my son would be a great idea to get ransom from my grandparents (though I don't know that anyone in my family would put my son first over money so it would probably be useless), I have been involved with people who I learned, second-hand, were directly involved in some kind of cartel.
One of my friends, Nacho, was basically killed on a hit order, I believe. The Yakima police thought it was just a drug deal gone wrong, but there were no drugs or money and I believe the witness that was there, Nacho's girlfriend. The guy who killed Nacho, came IN from Mexico through the Californian border and went to Yakima, met Nacho, and killed him in a "meeting". It wasn't like this guy was living in the area for years. It was more like a directed hit. And THIS, about 1-2 weeks after I gave some information to the FBI to protect people, not to get ANYONE killed or in trouble. Based on information I gave others, some people could have thought Nacho was the father of my son. That was impossible, but no one knew this. So I was indirectly connected.
Not only that, the guys I reported with the FBI, Bujanda and Garza, are Mexican, and have Mexican contacts, and Bujanda told me his whole family was high up in the Mexican mafia and then he turned his own father in. Yeah great, so his son does what he does, along with Garza, to me, and is probably not "out" of his mafia, and it is possible my son and I could have been targeted by people from his family or his mafia, because the other thing some people thought, was that maybe Bujanda was the father which was also not possible. But I was right in the middle of trying to hold the FBI and Portland police accountable for covering up what had happened with Bujanda and Garza, and just as I was realizing it was obstruction of justice essentially, my son and I are the targets of magnetic pulse and my son cannot speak anymore? There were dirty people in the FBI, and I'm not blaming the whole FBI because there are some good people there. But the wrong ones, were the ones keeping tabs on me, and making sure they were in charge of anything having to do with me.
So really, is my son any safer in the U.S.? Apparently not, when no one even investigates or tries to do diagnostics to determine if what I say is true. No one cares. So maybe I'm wrong to think Mexico is more dangerous. Who knows. There may even be groups that would love to kidnap my son FOR ME, just to reunite us because they believe in me and care about my son.
All I know, is that my son was taken out of the country with ZERO protection and ZERO notice or questions asked, to ME, his mother, who should have been FUCKING notified.
The other thing is that the father of my son lives in Mexico. I trust him. And he has trusted me and he even wanted to put me and my son up, to live in Mexico nearby, work in a store, and have a large house, because he said, money goes farther there. The father cared about the interests of both me and my son and wanted us to be together. I almost did it, but I was a little afraid because I know nothing about Mexico except people say not to go there unless you know someone or have friends because of banditos. I had some concern that if someone in his family decided THEY wanted my son, they might try to take him or kidnap him, and I'd have no recourse. I know the father's family has some connections with police and I think some drug trafficking but I don't think they're "bad guys" at all. I know the father and I are on very good terms but still, you don't know who is who, and one group that decides to ambush and kidnap, is not going to be outnumbered or overpowered by the Avilas.
It was absolutely WRONG for Judge Hotchkiss and Wenatchee CPS to authorize the taking of my son out of the country. If anything happens to my son, they will have the biggest fat-ass lawsuit they have ever seen. They still have a fat-ass lawsuit coming their way, because one way or the other, I am going back to Wenatchee, and people are going to pay. They are not just going to pay through exposure after I write my book about what they did to all these poor children whose parents were taken away on false allegations, they are going to pay if I am ever WITHOUT my son, because if my son, for whatever reason, is taken out of my guardianship with a termination of my parental rights, I will not hang my head, cry, and fall apart. I would then become the fiercest adversary they have ever known, through my activism, and I will not only come back to sue their asses for what they did to me, I will come back with money and start suing their asses for every single thing wrong they do to others, and I will fucking set up SHOP in their town, and keep the informants coming to me, and protect them, and start setting the record STRAIGHT. I will fight for every single person they try to screw. So basically, anyway you look at it, Wenatchee is screwed. They are actually better off backing down and putting my son back into my care so I don't have TIME to go after them, but no, as long as my son isn't with me, they get nothing but HELL and WAR from me. That is a promise, and my son knows, I do not make promises I cannot keep. I would do it, with my son in mind, knowing he will come back to me eventually and that in the meantime, I am avenging him for what they've done.
My grandfather, hearing my concerns, acted reasonable. Who knows what he said behind my back, but at least over the phone, he sounded sincere and wants to put me in touch with someone who knows what's going on. Granny said, overhearing (mabye because I was on speakerphone), "Oh yeah, they have Al Queda over there", mocking me. Which of course, is horrible, and I just think I never want to speak to her again and am reminded of how horrible she can be but then I remind myself, she never used to be like this, and it's Alzheimers. I constantly have to remember this so I'm not so upset and hold it against her. She goes in and out of being sweet, now, and I have to remember not to be mad. It's hard sometimes. I was glad to hear, though, earlier today, that she got a computer. I was really excited for her and told her she's going to love it.
The other person in the background that tried to discredit what I was saying about Nacho's killer, tried to dispute he came in from Mexico. I think he wanted to say he was from Yakima. But the newspaper article and the police I talked to, and his girlfriend all confirm he came in from Mexico first, and then traveled over.
If my family or CPS had actually consulted me, they would have understood there were serious things to be concerned about. But no, they were negligent--all of them, and did a bad and wrong thing, and if my son comes home OKAY they were still wrong. They put my son at unnecessary risk, and I'M the ONE who has to tell them this, the one they claim, falsely, put her own son 'at risk' with a mental illness they told everyone I have, that I don't even fucking have.
Aside from information I have, that even my grandfather is aware of, in part, CPS makes no attempt to keep abreast of daily news and what is going on in the world. If they did, they would have known about all the recent kidnappings. If they did, they would have known that one of the very top intelligence and law enforcement officials was made to step down after it was discovered at least 200 people died because of leaks that came through him or his agency, through some database on drug trafficking that the U.S. and Mexico share in an international "war on drugs" attempt to coordinate efforts; the U.S. has even broken several ties recently and refuses to give out information now because of the realization many of the hits are coming from the very top, from sophisticated officials. There are plenty of people who DO read the news who know this. But not the Wenatchee CPS, or they just don't care about one boy named Oliver Garrett. It seems to me, they don't care what happens to him as much as they care about punishing me for offending them and their friends. If they read the news, they would know something is wrong, when NO ONE, in Mexico OR the U.S., makes any determined and concerted effort to figure out why so many women are being buried near the borders.
WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON, when massive numbers of WOMEN just "disappear" and are found buried in the same places, but NO ONE knows what's going on?! That's a kind of genocide right there, and close to the border, and no one does anything about it, and believe me, there are a lot of people in Mexico who want peace. And why is the drug in-fighting getting worse? Maybe because they're trying to find ways, some of them, to just feed their families when the opportunities are limited. The whole drug war is ruining people, not helping them, and if it was legalized, there wouldn't be this fighting over everything. It might even give people new forms of legal employment. It seems there are a lot of governments that would rather keep their DEA and law enforcement employed for busting drug crimes, than they are interested in keeping peace and helping the people.
You know, maybe some of these Columbian drug cartels were "bad". At least one of them, though, had the admiration of the people, because they put almost all of the proceeds right back into helping the same people that the government refused to assist: the poor and needy.
It is time to figure something else out and put priorities in the proper place.
The U.S., for their part, could at least give all these people they know are in the country, a legal visa to work, and then crack down on immigration. Half of the people are already here, and get abused and contribute to drug trafficking simply because there are so few opportunities for supporting themselves without the proper papers. There are people who do the drug industry who are extremely corrupt and greedy, and murderous. Too often though, those ones get off, and the others are punished when all they really wanted was a way to make a fucking living.
So which country is safer? I don't know. I do know, that considering information I have, and things even my grandfather is somewhat aware of, CPS made a very serious error. Not just error, but another mark of incompetence, ignorance, self-serving interests, and inability to protect children and to even know what the best interests of a child are to begin with. They put my son at risk.
Aside from how my own personal knowledge could have benefited their decision-making, they are so isolated from the rest of the world that they don't know what is going on in the news? What? Michelle and Marie don't read the paper and keep up on current events? And CASA's great advocate Rob Forest doesn't know what's going on and read the news? I guess everyone in a government capacity is completely ignorant to current events, and would rather stay at home, comfortable with watching fictional movies like "No Country For Old Men". That's doing the kids a whole lot of good.
I would have to say, I don't think it's typical for CPS to allow kids to go out of the country, but given the history of my case and how they've treated me, which every lawyer and former CPS worker says is totally "bizarre" and "unusual", I believe CPS authorized this, out of spite, KNOWING it would upset me. They have no interest in the protection of my son, but only in their what satisfies them at getting back at me. This has NEVER been about my son. It has been their personal vendetta to harm me and to do it with cooperation from Wenatchee medical professionals.
Saturday, December 27, 2008
Chickened Out at ER--I Want More Children
I chickened out. I got there with my friend and my name was nowhere in the database from last time. I was there, believe me, I remember.
But then I was triaged and I guess I should have stayed, but I sort of panicked. I was fine until my roommate said what about the cost and then I said well, I'll fill out a form or do medicaid after, and then I thought about surgery, and D&C and just panicked, thinking, "What if they say I HAVE to have a D&C and there's only one OBGYN and what if they're not very good and I am permanently injured and then infertile for life?"
So my brain went straight to surgery and I forgot all about my plans to be induced, and thought if I'm having surgery maybe I should go all the way back to this clinic where I first established care for my pregnancy, in Virginia. It is WAY out of the way for me though.
I don't know what I'm doing. I feel okay, in general, just concerned about change of color and nervous. I could REEEAeeally use some Xanax right now. And no, marijuana doesn't help anxiety, not for me. I'm totally serious when I say I have no attraction to weed at all. I use hardly enough and only to prevent migraine. Even the one time I was high, or two times, I didn't like it so much.
I still have this flu/bronchitis thing with my other roommates (I got it first and then passed it to everyone else).
I think now, I should have stayed. I should have at least seen if we could try to induce, but I just got scared, thinking about D&C. I really, really, do want to have more children, I realized, tonight.
I want to have more of my own children. If it was just about MY body, who cares--cut me up. But I am scared of having problems later if I do a D&C. My body is already screwed up and I don't need one more problem.
It's the first time I've gone to ER and then just turned right back around.
I hope people can understand my logic and thinking. It was a little distorted by nervousness, but I was also trying to think about the best possible outcome. I just thought, if they find something wrong, and cut into me right there...I was just scared.
I've had many, many, bad experiences with medical people. I think the only good ones were my good knee surgery done by Dr. Greenleaf, and my good neck repair done at Salt Lake City University Hospital. Oh, and Tualatin-Meridian was good with my migraines--they knew I really had them and they treated me well. Outcomes otherwise, have been pretty much disastrous.
I may have to go back to this ER if I'm not still eligible for the clinic I was going to, and I really don't want Army Wife involved, AT ALL, in any surgery, but there are other doctors there that are supposed to be good.
But then I was triaged and I guess I should have stayed, but I sort of panicked. I was fine until my roommate said what about the cost and then I said well, I'll fill out a form or do medicaid after, and then I thought about surgery, and D&C and just panicked, thinking, "What if they say I HAVE to have a D&C and there's only one OBGYN and what if they're not very good and I am permanently injured and then infertile for life?"
So my brain went straight to surgery and I forgot all about my plans to be induced, and thought if I'm having surgery maybe I should go all the way back to this clinic where I first established care for my pregnancy, in Virginia. It is WAY out of the way for me though.
I don't know what I'm doing. I feel okay, in general, just concerned about change of color and nervous. I could REEEAeeally use some Xanax right now. And no, marijuana doesn't help anxiety, not for me. I'm totally serious when I say I have no attraction to weed at all. I use hardly enough and only to prevent migraine. Even the one time I was high, or two times, I didn't like it so much.
I still have this flu/bronchitis thing with my other roommates (I got it first and then passed it to everyone else).
I think now, I should have stayed. I should have at least seen if we could try to induce, but I just got scared, thinking about D&C. I really, really, do want to have more children, I realized, tonight.
I want to have more of my own children. If it was just about MY body, who cares--cut me up. But I am scared of having problems later if I do a D&C. My body is already screwed up and I don't need one more problem.
It's the first time I've gone to ER and then just turned right back around.
I hope people can understand my logic and thinking. It was a little distorted by nervousness, but I was also trying to think about the best possible outcome. I just thought, if they find something wrong, and cut into me right there...I was just scared.
I've had many, many, bad experiences with medical people. I think the only good ones were my good knee surgery done by Dr. Greenleaf, and my good neck repair done at Salt Lake City University Hospital. Oh, and Tualatin-Meridian was good with my migraines--they knew I really had them and they treated me well. Outcomes otherwise, have been pretty much disastrous.
I may have to go back to this ER if I'm not still eligible for the clinic I was going to, and I really don't want Army Wife involved, AT ALL, in any surgery, but there are other doctors there that are supposed to be good.
Discovery of Intentional Infliction of Emotional Distress
I am going in to see what's going on with the missed miscarriage.
But what's really sad, is that I realized, right before deciding to go in, why the FBI stalled on FOIA requests I made for an entire year, and then why people in Wenatchee stalled on giving me my medical records for months and never gave me my son's immunization records, and then why Dr. Said refused to give me my medical records, and then why it took me so long to get CPS moving so I could see my son, and then they stalled for 2 months when I was asking for discovery so I could try to defend myself when I was pro se, and then why CPS didn't give me discovery at all, or Jeanne Wellbaum my case file, until my case was over, and then why D.C. CPS stalled with Wenathcee CPS for over 2 months as I sought to get services going.
These people all got their information on what caused me emotional distress. The Abbey did it first, and their lawyers stalled and then gave me the run around, telling me to drive up there and meet them, and then ignoring me, promising me they were giving me information about monastic policies, and then ignoring me, and telling me to call all of these different people, who switched me back and forth between themselves for THREE MONTHS, until I finally lost it.
The Abbey lawyers and the Abbey were purposefully harassing me and trying to cause emotional distress. Then the FBI and those they knew in the FBI, did the same thing, knowing it would work and that I'd get so upset I'd finally start writing exasperated email to the FBI in all field offices, out of frustration.
Then the medical lawyers for Wenatchee, who knew I had had legal matters with the Abbey, obviously communicated and got information on how to try to destroy me and cause me distres, by refusing me my son's vaccination records for months, and then years, knowing I was distraught and needed the information to give to VAERS and to protect the interests of my own son. Then Dr. Said was refusing to give me my chart and all information, so I couldn't take my information to other doctors, and then what does Wenatchee CPS do? They deliberately stalled, for months, in allowing me to see my own son, after repeated requests, and they lied to me, knowing the longer they ignored my requests for discovery, the better the reaction would eventually be.
These people intentionally and deliberately sought to TRY to get me to have a breakdown, knowing I didn't have any way to defend myself and get my son back, without having information in front of me.
And then, I was refused my own case file, after repeated requests, and refused discovery by the state, all the way up to the Fact Finding hearing, knowing it would cause me great distress and that finally giving me the discovery after it was too late to appeal would be a slap in my face.
Finally, D.C. CPS and Wenatchee CPS purposefully ignored my phone calls to get services going, for TWO months, even when I went to the D.C. offices.
All of these people were working together, knowing what would trigger the "best" reaction out of me, knowing I would be polite and patient, but that after being harassed and provoked, I would lose it and they would finally get emails from me which they could later use to their advantage to claim there was something wrong with me, when the only thing wrong with me was that I was being jerked around, and no one respected my rights.
All the way to the loss of my son and even afterwards, these people purposefully premeditated to cause me emotional distress, and then they wanted to claim this was just the way I was and had nothing to do with them, and the stress they caused in my life.
They knew what they were doing, and anyone with an interest in covering their ass, was interested in how to get me to have a breakdown, and thought the magnetic pulse would be a great way to claim I had mental illness, when I didn't.
Yes, I had some issues, but anyone would, after what has been done to me, and these things were done intentionally.
As for the magnetic pulse and pain and seizures, that was separate, and it happened. These people provoked me with harassment, to get a response out of me and then someone decided to use the magnetic pulse knowing they could show everyone a bunch of emails from me where I had become frustrated and written things out of character under extreme duress and stress, and then claim what happened to me and my son was all in my head.
Oh, and yes, the Judge DID order CPS to give me discovery prior to Fact Finding, and they didn't do it. But they sure made a hell of a lot of excuses as to why they didn't do it.
But what's really sad, is that I realized, right before deciding to go in, why the FBI stalled on FOIA requests I made for an entire year, and then why people in Wenatchee stalled on giving me my medical records for months and never gave me my son's immunization records, and then why Dr. Said refused to give me my medical records, and then why it took me so long to get CPS moving so I could see my son, and then they stalled for 2 months when I was asking for discovery so I could try to defend myself when I was pro se, and then why CPS didn't give me discovery at all, or Jeanne Wellbaum my case file, until my case was over, and then why D.C. CPS stalled with Wenathcee CPS for over 2 months as I sought to get services going.
These people all got their information on what caused me emotional distress. The Abbey did it first, and their lawyers stalled and then gave me the run around, telling me to drive up there and meet them, and then ignoring me, promising me they were giving me information about monastic policies, and then ignoring me, and telling me to call all of these different people, who switched me back and forth between themselves for THREE MONTHS, until I finally lost it.
The Abbey lawyers and the Abbey were purposefully harassing me and trying to cause emotional distress. Then the FBI and those they knew in the FBI, did the same thing, knowing it would work and that I'd get so upset I'd finally start writing exasperated email to the FBI in all field offices, out of frustration.
Then the medical lawyers for Wenatchee, who knew I had had legal matters with the Abbey, obviously communicated and got information on how to try to destroy me and cause me distres, by refusing me my son's vaccination records for months, and then years, knowing I was distraught and needed the information to give to VAERS and to protect the interests of my own son. Then Dr. Said was refusing to give me my chart and all information, so I couldn't take my information to other doctors, and then what does Wenatchee CPS do? They deliberately stalled, for months, in allowing me to see my own son, after repeated requests, and they lied to me, knowing the longer they ignored my requests for discovery, the better the reaction would eventually be.
These people intentionally and deliberately sought to TRY to get me to have a breakdown, knowing I didn't have any way to defend myself and get my son back, without having information in front of me.
And then, I was refused my own case file, after repeated requests, and refused discovery by the state, all the way up to the Fact Finding hearing, knowing it would cause me great distress and that finally giving me the discovery after it was too late to appeal would be a slap in my face.
Finally, D.C. CPS and Wenatchee CPS purposefully ignored my phone calls to get services going, for TWO months, even when I went to the D.C. offices.
All of these people were working together, knowing what would trigger the "best" reaction out of me, knowing I would be polite and patient, but that after being harassed and provoked, I would lose it and they would finally get emails from me which they could later use to their advantage to claim there was something wrong with me, when the only thing wrong with me was that I was being jerked around, and no one respected my rights.
All the way to the loss of my son and even afterwards, these people purposefully premeditated to cause me emotional distress, and then they wanted to claim this was just the way I was and had nothing to do with them, and the stress they caused in my life.
They knew what they were doing, and anyone with an interest in covering their ass, was interested in how to get me to have a breakdown, and thought the magnetic pulse would be a great way to claim I had mental illness, when I didn't.
Yes, I had some issues, but anyone would, after what has been done to me, and these things were done intentionally.
As for the magnetic pulse and pain and seizures, that was separate, and it happened. These people provoked me with harassment, to get a response out of me and then someone decided to use the magnetic pulse knowing they could show everyone a bunch of emails from me where I had become frustrated and written things out of character under extreme duress and stress, and then claim what happened to me and my son was all in my head.
Oh, and yes, the Judge DID order CPS to give me discovery prior to Fact Finding, and they didn't do it. But they sure made a hell of a lot of excuses as to why they didn't do it.
Need My Cell Phone
I don't know where my cell phone is.
I haven't had it since I miscarried but then it was in my roommates car. It was dead. So then we finally found the charger, yesterday. But now I can't find my phone. He says it might still be in his car.
I need my phone because I haven't been able to check messages for weeks, and I've given out my cell number to a ton of hispanic people who said they were going to call or have their friends call, for jobs.
So I have to have it.
I haven't had it since I miscarried but then it was in my roommates car. It was dead. So then we finally found the charger, yesterday. But now I can't find my phone. He says it might still be in his car.
I need my phone because I haven't been able to check messages for weeks, and I've given out my cell number to a ton of hispanic people who said they were going to call or have their friends call, for jobs.
So I have to have it.
Inducing for Miscarriage (& Blond Hair)
I thought my only options were a D&C or natural miscarriage, but I'm reading if you're this far along, you can ask to be induced so you labor naturally and then can see the baby. Well, this woman was 17 weeks along, but I see no reason why someone 11 weeks along couldn't be induced as well. I don't mean to be morbid, and this kind of post will be, for some, but I'm completely okay with what's happened, and can handle it. I don't think there is anything about the human body that is gross or indelicate or whatever. I think everyone should be comfortable with their bodies and knowing what feels right, where things are, and how to assess pain and other sensations correctly.
I thought I would make this post, too, so that other women know they have other options besides natural miscarriage for missed miscarriage, or D&C or D&E and it's probably got a lot less risks than the surgical removal.
It sort of bothered me that they made me wait and were telling me to go to someone else for the D&C. It also bothers me that the doctor, woman one, made me wait over 3 hours after knowing my baby had died from the MRI, to give me something for anxiety. They just left me in a room with nothing. I finally called someone to be there with me and even then they stalled. I would hope that they would suck up the cost of doing an induction or at least allow me to be induced after all of this. I know for a fact the baby was alive until the MRI. I also know no one told me what the risks were. I had thought it was just possible but rarely, birth defects. No one told me a baby could die. I am not going to sue, but I do think they could take some responsibility, just as I have, and allow me to miscarry in the way I am most comfortable, which would be through induction.
I'm not dwelling on the missed miscarriage at all, and I don't think much about it, but I started doing a little more research because a week ago I had brown discharge after running, and today it's more like greyish brown black. So, I'm thinking that while I feel okay and this could just be placental bleeding, I don't know that I want to go much further with the "natural" approach, but I definitely don't want a D&C either.
I just called the hospital and the OBGYN on duty said that I would go to ER when possible, they'd take a look at things and go from there. I told her I did NOT want a D&C though and that I was hoping they'd consider something else. I also don't want an ultrasound done really. I don't want bad photos. I would rather just miscarry naturally, but I don't know if it's wise to wait. Okay, honestly, I'm okay waiting longer, emotionally I'm totally fine with it or I would still be writing about it. I don't feel sick, or have fever, or pain, or anything, so I trust my body to do the right thing. However, I guess what it comes down to is that I WANT TO SEE the baby, and I don't want to see it 3 weeks from now when it will be more deteriorated. I can handle the idea of deterioration. That's life and you deal with it. You go through all the stages and phases, and you are stronger, and suddenly, you're even okay with seeing the end product of the tragedy. So I'm FINE with that. But, can I get a witness...You don't want to see it 2 months later. I guess some women do this, and I'm reading about it online, but it makes me wonder. Who knows, maybe I'll change my mind, but right now, I just want to be induced.
I found a new hair today, in the discharge and it was very pale golden blond. It wasn't my hair and it wasn't red. It was a fine blond hair.
I guess who knows where the brown-black ones were from, maybe trapped there from prolapsed uterus, from last sex with father, who knows. But this hair, was a very light golden blond, and it was straight. I think the baby had blond hair, as I originally thought. It makes the most sense, especially now.
WHOA. Okay, this info might be a little off, because it's coming from the "moondragon birthing center", but it says:
A "missed spontaneous abortion" or a "missed miscarriage" is when the fetus dies, but is not passed from the body with the blood discharge. Instead it is reabsorbed back into the mother's body.
Ummmm...WHAT? "reabsorbed back into the mother's body"??? I haven't heard of THAT before. I guess this is a new thing to look up.
Okay, looking it up and it usually happens in early miscarriage, but it's sort of sounding like it can happen later too. How does THAT work? And, it can happen after 11 weeks gestation too. I'm finding a lot of examples online. Which is a little strange, because the mother usually finds out later. I guess this happens with twins too, sometimes, where one will be reaborbed by the mother's body(and not the twin). So it happens all the time, but sort of strange. I'm taking a nap. I am a little bit tired after reading about all of this. Will be back later to post email stuff with lawyers regarding my case. Just tired right now. Not depressed at all, or anxious. Tired, and I did a lot of walking today.
I'm also wondering why some of the info on their site changed but I don't know. Maybe it was another site I looked at. I found out later that it's a teaching hospital that uses students from Georgetown and other universities in the area.
I just read about one woman's experience with this and I'm thinking I may want to do this.
"04-07-2005, 02:20 PM
I've had four miscarriages. Three I delivered at home (they were first trimester losses). The third one was I was 17 weeks. They wanted to do a D&E (16 weeks seems quite far along to do a D&C; a D&E requires different medical equipment and is a slightly different procedure). I refused since I wanted to see and hold my baby.
I waited two weeks to go into labor on my own and then requested an induction. I was induced and three hours later delivered my tiny son. I was so grateful to be able to hold and see my baby. We brought him home with us and buried him in the flower bed beneath our bedroom window. It just seemed more respectful than having our baby taken from my womb and having the doctor take care of him.
I had a lot of people tell me to just have the D&E to get it over with (it was agonizing waiting to go into labor) but I knew it wasn't what I had wanted. My baby's soul may have been gone but I spent four months growing that precious little body and I wanted to count his little toes and fingers, see his face and cradle him in my hands.
To me it was worth the wait. He had deteriorated quite a bit but he was my baby. It was even obvious that he looked like my husband :) .
The decision is you and your wife's; make the one you will not regret. I know many who regret not seeing their baby but few who regret holding and seeing them. The OB should be willing to do an induction. So you have more options than the D&E or "wait".
Love and Prayers, Kelly
P.S. It is so difficult. My heart aches for your wife. I'll be praying for you both.
Eldian
04-07-2005, 03:31 PM
Well, it seems that everything turned out alright after all. Our doctor made some phone calls on Tuesday, and got us squeezed in at the hospital, where they induced labour... which was the ideal solution. We didn't even know it was an option, because they usually only induce if the miscarriage is after 20 weeks.
So, in the end, this was the best option for us. My wife was very distraught at the idea of sucking the baby out in pieces with a D&C. Inducing the labour ended up with her passing out the baby at about 1 in the morning, and everything went pretty well. There was concern that the placenta wouldn't follow, but the doctor managed to dig it out. (yeah, not the prettiest thing in the world, but it avoided having to have the D&C anyway).
And we got to see and hold the baby, which was a surprise for me, but in the end I was glad to have done it. Plus, by labouring it out we discovered that the umbilical cord had been wrapped around the baby's neck 3 times, which is likely the cause of death... this we would not have known, had we had a D&C.
So, thanks for all your feedback, everyone. Aside from the obvious crappiness of the situation, things went well, and I think that we've both got some closure, and are ready to start thinking about the possibility of moving forward.... maybe in a little while.
Peace, Love, and Light,
El.
ASDGRMama
04-07-2005, 06:17 PM
So glad to hear things went as well as possible all things considered. We felt the same way after the induction; that things just couldn't have gone better.
I also had some complications with the placenta. Doc had to do quite a bit of digging around.
I was induced in November when our baby died and I am now pregant again (about 5weeks 4 days). So there is hope :) .
I hope for the best for both of you!!
Love and Prayers, Kelly
I thought I would make this post, too, so that other women know they have other options besides natural miscarriage for missed miscarriage, or D&C or D&E and it's probably got a lot less risks than the surgical removal.
It sort of bothered me that they made me wait and were telling me to go to someone else for the D&C. It also bothers me that the doctor, woman one, made me wait over 3 hours after knowing my baby had died from the MRI, to give me something for anxiety. They just left me in a room with nothing. I finally called someone to be there with me and even then they stalled. I would hope that they would suck up the cost of doing an induction or at least allow me to be induced after all of this. I know for a fact the baby was alive until the MRI. I also know no one told me what the risks were. I had thought it was just possible but rarely, birth defects. No one told me a baby could die. I am not going to sue, but I do think they could take some responsibility, just as I have, and allow me to miscarry in the way I am most comfortable, which would be through induction.
I'm not dwelling on the missed miscarriage at all, and I don't think much about it, but I started doing a little more research because a week ago I had brown discharge after running, and today it's more like greyish brown black. So, I'm thinking that while I feel okay and this could just be placental bleeding, I don't know that I want to go much further with the "natural" approach, but I definitely don't want a D&C either.
I just called the hospital and the OBGYN on duty said that I would go to ER when possible, they'd take a look at things and go from there. I told her I did NOT want a D&C though and that I was hoping they'd consider something else. I also don't want an ultrasound done really. I don't want bad photos. I would rather just miscarry naturally, but I don't know if it's wise to wait. Okay, honestly, I'm okay waiting longer, emotionally I'm totally fine with it or I would still be writing about it. I don't feel sick, or have fever, or pain, or anything, so I trust my body to do the right thing. However, I guess what it comes down to is that I WANT TO SEE the baby, and I don't want to see it 3 weeks from now when it will be more deteriorated. I can handle the idea of deterioration. That's life and you deal with it. You go through all the stages and phases, and you are stronger, and suddenly, you're even okay with seeing the end product of the tragedy. So I'm FINE with that. But, can I get a witness...You don't want to see it 2 months later. I guess some women do this, and I'm reading about it online, but it makes me wonder. Who knows, maybe I'll change my mind, but right now, I just want to be induced.
I found a new hair today, in the discharge and it was very pale golden blond. It wasn't my hair and it wasn't red. It was a fine blond hair.
I guess who knows where the brown-black ones were from, maybe trapped there from prolapsed uterus, from last sex with father, who knows. But this hair, was a very light golden blond, and it was straight. I think the baby had blond hair, as I originally thought. It makes the most sense, especially now.
WHOA. Okay, this info might be a little off, because it's coming from the "moondragon birthing center", but it says:
A "missed spontaneous abortion" or a "missed miscarriage" is when the fetus dies, but is not passed from the body with the blood discharge. Instead it is reabsorbed back into the mother's body.
Ummmm...WHAT? "reabsorbed back into the mother's body"??? I haven't heard of THAT before. I guess this is a new thing to look up.
Okay, looking it up and it usually happens in early miscarriage, but it's sort of sounding like it can happen later too. How does THAT work? And, it can happen after 11 weeks gestation too. I'm finding a lot of examples online. Which is a little strange, because the mother usually finds out later. I guess this happens with twins too, sometimes, where one will be reaborbed by the mother's body(and not the twin). So it happens all the time, but sort of strange. I'm taking a nap. I am a little bit tired after reading about all of this. Will be back later to post email stuff with lawyers regarding my case. Just tired right now. Not depressed at all, or anxious. Tired, and I did a lot of walking today.
I'm also wondering why some of the info on their site changed but I don't know. Maybe it was another site I looked at. I found out later that it's a teaching hospital that uses students from Georgetown and other universities in the area.
I just read about one woman's experience with this and I'm thinking I may want to do this.
"04-07-2005, 02:20 PM
I've had four miscarriages. Three I delivered at home (they were first trimester losses). The third one was I was 17 weeks. They wanted to do a D&E (16 weeks seems quite far along to do a D&C; a D&E requires different medical equipment and is a slightly different procedure). I refused since I wanted to see and hold my baby.
I waited two weeks to go into labor on my own and then requested an induction. I was induced and three hours later delivered my tiny son. I was so grateful to be able to hold and see my baby. We brought him home with us and buried him in the flower bed beneath our bedroom window. It just seemed more respectful than having our baby taken from my womb and having the doctor take care of him.
I had a lot of people tell me to just have the D&E to get it over with (it was agonizing waiting to go into labor) but I knew it wasn't what I had wanted. My baby's soul may have been gone but I spent four months growing that precious little body and I wanted to count his little toes and fingers, see his face and cradle him in my hands.
To me it was worth the wait. He had deteriorated quite a bit but he was my baby. It was even obvious that he looked like my husband :) .
The decision is you and your wife's; make the one you will not regret. I know many who regret not seeing their baby but few who regret holding and seeing them. The OB should be willing to do an induction. So you have more options than the D&E or "wait".
Love and Prayers, Kelly
P.S. It is so difficult. My heart aches for your wife. I'll be praying for you both.
Eldian
04-07-2005, 03:31 PM
Well, it seems that everything turned out alright after all. Our doctor made some phone calls on Tuesday, and got us squeezed in at the hospital, where they induced labour... which was the ideal solution. We didn't even know it was an option, because they usually only induce if the miscarriage is after 20 weeks.
So, in the end, this was the best option for us. My wife was very distraught at the idea of sucking the baby out in pieces with a D&C. Inducing the labour ended up with her passing out the baby at about 1 in the morning, and everything went pretty well. There was concern that the placenta wouldn't follow, but the doctor managed to dig it out. (yeah, not the prettiest thing in the world, but it avoided having to have the D&C anyway).
And we got to see and hold the baby, which was a surprise for me, but in the end I was glad to have done it. Plus, by labouring it out we discovered that the umbilical cord had been wrapped around the baby's neck 3 times, which is likely the cause of death... this we would not have known, had we had a D&C.
So, thanks for all your feedback, everyone. Aside from the obvious crappiness of the situation, things went well, and I think that we've both got some closure, and are ready to start thinking about the possibility of moving forward.... maybe in a little while.
Peace, Love, and Light,
El.
ASDGRMama
04-07-2005, 06:17 PM
So glad to hear things went as well as possible all things considered. We felt the same way after the induction; that things just couldn't have gone better.
I also had some complications with the placenta. Doc had to do quite a bit of digging around.
I was induced in November when our baby died and I am now pregant again (about 5weeks 4 days). So there is hope :) .
I hope for the best for both of you!!
Love and Prayers, Kelly
Working on my Various Start-ups and music today
I noticed people today, who seemed to know who I was. One from NY with NY plates at least. Came up and then drove around. Yesterday, I don't know who this one guy was, but he kept driving back and forth. Not in a stalking way or "interest" in me romantically, but other interest. I could be totally wrong, but sometimes I get the vibe that I'm not. I don't know what it is in non-verbal signals that tips me off a bit, but I have been right about my guesses before. Well, and people know where I live now, so it's no secret.
I should add, though, I've also noticed some people who I think know who I am, who are curious about me, and who are not against me but who might believe me. I don't know how to put my finger on it...But someone just might stick up for me and my son afterall, and someone just might decide to become an informant, who has a very high position and a lot to lose. It is possible. I'm not sure why no one is saying anything yet, but I am hoping people are figuring out what I've been saying is true, probable, and fits every signal sign and symptom. I'm hoping someone has firsthand information and is willing to do something incredibly drastic to help me and my son. No one ever came forward for me, to clear my name, about the Abbey business and I really thought it would come from one of those monks. If anyone was going to have a guilty conscience, I was sure it might be one of them. But I'm more inclined to think, now, that God uses the clay vessel more often than the crystal vase. I think if someone comes forward, it may be the least likely person anyone would imagine. Either someone who does "bad things" for a living who has something of a heart, or someone in a high position who is a scientist or in intelligence and has information they are willing to lose their job over. My heart was broken over the fact that all these "christians" wouldn't stand up for me, but sometimes help from a most unexpected source.
No, I'm not worthy enough, if someone is waiting for me to be good enough or fit the bill enough for them to come forward for me. I just am who I am. I will never be good enough for some people, and helping me and my son will never be considered to be a worthy cause to others. I am not asking out of worthiness, I am asking from my heart, from one human being to another, for mercy. I am asking for the same basic rights I would personally give in return, to anyone else. And if I ever find out someone wanted to come forward but wasn't offered witness protection, I will personally hold those people accountable. I want to give back to someone who will give me and my son the chance that we need.
I called Granny today but had to get off right away because I started to cry. I would talk to her more, if no one else, but it makes me think about my son. I called to find out if anyone had heard from the Avilas, and no one has. So no one knows how my son is really doing, in Mexico. It was totally irresponsible for Douglas County to allow my son to be taken out of the country when there has been no termination of my parental rights. It was wrong. But who cares? because people get away with doing wrong, all the time.
I am making a lot of new friends where I live. I'm getting to know the people on the street, and they are from El Salvador, Honduras, Guatamala, and Mexico. Even the men who used to cat call, now address me with respect and I say hello, and they know I'm working for them. As soon as they discovered what I was about, we had a mutual respect for one another. I respect them, they respect me. I am working for them, and if anyone will have your back, no one should discount the loyalty of those in hispanic and Latino communities. Yes, there is a big obstacle in that I've been targeted by people in the catholic church and most Latinos are catholic. But I think and hope they see I am and have never been, against someone just because they're catholic. It's more about those who have positions in government and the system that have harmed me and done bad, not regular people. I cannot always trust others to be working in my best interest, but I know myself and they can trust me to know I am working for them.
I secured some more clients today. And they are passing my name around, word-of-mouth. Some different problems to think of, because some of the people who have come to me, are private contractors who have their own business for construction, plumbing, and electrical and mechanic services. So they are asking me if I can help them find work and private contracts and help them write up the contracts, in English. I never even thought about that angle, that I could assist private business owners who are hispanic, with things like contracts.
I really have to get a non-profit license. I'm looking into it.
The other thing is, some people think they would get ripped off by looking for work and getting paid later. But I trust these people and they trust me.
In the meantime, today some hispanic people took me to the library where I met a woman who teaches classes and she gave me contacts in the literacy department. There are a lot of free classes to learn English, so I have been very doubtful someone would pay ME to hold a class. But I have people coming to me, TELLING me to please do it, and they would pay, and know others who would pay too.
One compliment I always got, when I was a tutor, was that the students always told me I explained things better to them than their teachers. They would say, "You make it so easy" and I got referrals just for tutoring. I was also a little bit of a strict taskmaster. I didn't do their homework for them. I encouraged them to think for themselves, knowing it's the only way to learn, and they needed to learn and not just get a passing grade. So I met a lot of people this way and gave some private lessons as well. I think I'm good at making things clear. With children and with adults, on difficult or complex matters.
It's been a really long time though. And then, I wasn't doing a lot of lesson development. Some, but not a lot. It's been years, and I've not thought about doing this and I'm not familiar with what all the terminology for grammar is, like "predicate" and "infinitive" and all those terms. So I put a ton of books on hold, to go through and refresh my memory, including books on grammar, vocab, and idioms. And then this librarian gave me some things she had, on loan, that I didn't have to check out.
It sort of seems like more work than payoff, but I'm sure I could get a kick out of it, and do conversations around important work vocab, but also, on some "revolutionary" topics. I just might use teaching English for a front for our revolutionary fund-raising. Ha!
Really, I tell you what--I could make a TON of money being a prostitute here. I was telling my roommates that. I could be rich in a week. I told my roommates: "It's too bad I can't do it. Sometimes it sucks to have ethics!"
Aside from these things, I'm still looking into doing some gigs and singing.
Hearing this song, "Indigo Girl" by a group called Watershed. I like it. I guess the guy is from South Africa. I was listening to "The Indigo Girls" and then this came up as an offering, so I clicked on it.
I got information for me, too, on learning Spanish better. There are some computer lessons available online if you have a library card so I'll look into this. And still calling churches about helping pay for some evaluations and diagnostics.
Listened to "Like You Madly" by Just Jinger. and "Shallow Water" by Sylver. Just random stuff. Depeche Mode's "Enjoy the Silence". Will probably listen to new wave stuff.
I should add, though, I've also noticed some people who I think know who I am, who are curious about me, and who are not against me but who might believe me. I don't know how to put my finger on it...But someone just might stick up for me and my son afterall, and someone just might decide to become an informant, who has a very high position and a lot to lose. It is possible. I'm not sure why no one is saying anything yet, but I am hoping people are figuring out what I've been saying is true, probable, and fits every signal sign and symptom. I'm hoping someone has firsthand information and is willing to do something incredibly drastic to help me and my son. No one ever came forward for me, to clear my name, about the Abbey business and I really thought it would come from one of those monks. If anyone was going to have a guilty conscience, I was sure it might be one of them. But I'm more inclined to think, now, that God uses the clay vessel more often than the crystal vase. I think if someone comes forward, it may be the least likely person anyone would imagine. Either someone who does "bad things" for a living who has something of a heart, or someone in a high position who is a scientist or in intelligence and has information they are willing to lose their job over. My heart was broken over the fact that all these "christians" wouldn't stand up for me, but sometimes help from a most unexpected source.
No, I'm not worthy enough, if someone is waiting for me to be good enough or fit the bill enough for them to come forward for me. I just am who I am. I will never be good enough for some people, and helping me and my son will never be considered to be a worthy cause to others. I am not asking out of worthiness, I am asking from my heart, from one human being to another, for mercy. I am asking for the same basic rights I would personally give in return, to anyone else. And if I ever find out someone wanted to come forward but wasn't offered witness protection, I will personally hold those people accountable. I want to give back to someone who will give me and my son the chance that we need.
I called Granny today but had to get off right away because I started to cry. I would talk to her more, if no one else, but it makes me think about my son. I called to find out if anyone had heard from the Avilas, and no one has. So no one knows how my son is really doing, in Mexico. It was totally irresponsible for Douglas County to allow my son to be taken out of the country when there has been no termination of my parental rights. It was wrong. But who cares? because people get away with doing wrong, all the time.
I am making a lot of new friends where I live. I'm getting to know the people on the street, and they are from El Salvador, Honduras, Guatamala, and Mexico. Even the men who used to cat call, now address me with respect and I say hello, and they know I'm working for them. As soon as they discovered what I was about, we had a mutual respect for one another. I respect them, they respect me. I am working for them, and if anyone will have your back, no one should discount the loyalty of those in hispanic and Latino communities. Yes, there is a big obstacle in that I've been targeted by people in the catholic church and most Latinos are catholic. But I think and hope they see I am and have never been, against someone just because they're catholic. It's more about those who have positions in government and the system that have harmed me and done bad, not regular people. I cannot always trust others to be working in my best interest, but I know myself and they can trust me to know I am working for them.
I secured some more clients today. And they are passing my name around, word-of-mouth. Some different problems to think of, because some of the people who have come to me, are private contractors who have their own business for construction, plumbing, and electrical and mechanic services. So they are asking me if I can help them find work and private contracts and help them write up the contracts, in English. I never even thought about that angle, that I could assist private business owners who are hispanic, with things like contracts.
I really have to get a non-profit license. I'm looking into it.
The other thing is, some people think they would get ripped off by looking for work and getting paid later. But I trust these people and they trust me.
In the meantime, today some hispanic people took me to the library where I met a woman who teaches classes and she gave me contacts in the literacy department. There are a lot of free classes to learn English, so I have been very doubtful someone would pay ME to hold a class. But I have people coming to me, TELLING me to please do it, and they would pay, and know others who would pay too.
One compliment I always got, when I was a tutor, was that the students always told me I explained things better to them than their teachers. They would say, "You make it so easy" and I got referrals just for tutoring. I was also a little bit of a strict taskmaster. I didn't do their homework for them. I encouraged them to think for themselves, knowing it's the only way to learn, and they needed to learn and not just get a passing grade. So I met a lot of people this way and gave some private lessons as well. I think I'm good at making things clear. With children and with adults, on difficult or complex matters.
It's been a really long time though. And then, I wasn't doing a lot of lesson development. Some, but not a lot. It's been years, and I've not thought about doing this and I'm not familiar with what all the terminology for grammar is, like "predicate" and "infinitive" and all those terms. So I put a ton of books on hold, to go through and refresh my memory, including books on grammar, vocab, and idioms. And then this librarian gave me some things she had, on loan, that I didn't have to check out.
It sort of seems like more work than payoff, but I'm sure I could get a kick out of it, and do conversations around important work vocab, but also, on some "revolutionary" topics. I just might use teaching English for a front for our revolutionary fund-raising. Ha!
Really, I tell you what--I could make a TON of money being a prostitute here. I was telling my roommates that. I could be rich in a week. I told my roommates: "It's too bad I can't do it. Sometimes it sucks to have ethics!"
Aside from these things, I'm still looking into doing some gigs and singing.
Hearing this song, "Indigo Girl" by a group called Watershed. I like it. I guess the guy is from South Africa. I was listening to "The Indigo Girls" and then this came up as an offering, so I clicked on it.
I got information for me, too, on learning Spanish better. There are some computer lessons available online if you have a library card so I'll look into this. And still calling churches about helping pay for some evaluations and diagnostics.
Listened to "Like You Madly" by Just Jinger. and "Shallow Water" by Sylver. Just random stuff. Depeche Mode's "Enjoy the Silence". Will probably listen to new wave stuff.
Last Pregnancy Symptoms & Analysis of Paranoia
I was just wondering why some of my pregnancy symptoms seemed to resolve after I moved from my apartment.
The water gushing out, I figured out was from the baths.
I also had very bad pain, usually when I was standing or walking, but also, after sleeping at night and that went away almost immediatly--the night pain.
I was extremely thirsty all the time, and drank well over 8 glasses a day of water and fluids, closer to 12 or more, but my lips were cracked as if I was dehydrated.
I also had scaley skin on my legs and itched incessantly. I used cocoa butter and took baths with some bathoil products, but it didn't help. My legs were so dry, I could literally see scales, and I used moisturizer every day.
I also wonder why this baby was never found to be moving very much, on ultrasound, when my son was so active.
It makes sense to me that the walking pain stopped, because I wasn't working after I moved and have been much more sedentary. The gushing water stopped and I know that was because I wasn't taking baths anymore and only showers. But it's sort of weird that my thirst was so excessive and just quit, and my legs almost immediately went back to normal and never itched anymore.
Also, I wonder why my symptoms of pain began after I told people I was pregnant, but not before, when I knew I was pregnant but no one else did. And I wonder why my red blood cell count was low when there was no explanation for it from a dietary standpoint, even being pregnant. Not only that, the results showed signs that I was dehydrated. Because red blood cell and hemoglobin was abnormally low but hemocrit was abnormally high. This can be a sign of dehydration and I felt dehydrated but I was drinking fluids all the time.
It just makes me wonder, I guess. I don't think anyone will do that much testing on my unborn when it happens, even if I ask, so I'll probably save and freeze tissue sample so sometime in my life, someone might be able to figure out if something else was going on, besides the cause of death. Because even that, I'm told, was strange and not likely. So why was my baby weak to begin with? Why couldn't my baby withstand a short MRI unless there was something going on before?
I just don't believe it was a genetic issue. I think it's odd, still, and the doctors were all shocked. So, I don't know, but I want someone to check things out for me. I read somewhere that you can freeze tissue from a miscarriage and this can be used to sort things out.
Yes, I sort of wonder about some kind of radiation. I don't think this immediately, but it does come to mind. The reason why this is not paranoia though, in the true sense, I will explain to you:
When I was held hostage, the guy was caught afterward. There was no reason to believe it might happen again. When I've been raped, and got distance from the person, I didn't worry it would happen again. When I had auto accidents, I figured it was accidental and didn't feel any fear getting into a car again. There are many things I've gone through and I don't worry about later.
What's different with the whole magnetic pulse issue, is that if it was happening at low levels, I wouldn't have even known. But the levels that were used when computer and electric toy problems were happening and my pain was so severe and my son and the cat even showed problems...that was obvious. It was extremely, extremely, painful and my body has not recovered and neither has my son's speech, to the way he was before. No one was caught. So that means it could happen again, at anytime. And I began having problems in D.C. with people as well, where they'd come into my workplace and harass me, and then there was the odd stalling by D.C. and Wenatchee CPS for months, when I was trying to do their services. I had people coming into my apartment and taking things and going through my food.
So, it is not paranoia to wonder if it might happen again, without my knowing even. It is also not entirely paranoid to consider the possibility that someone didn't like my family, or my father, or that my grandfather was in some kind of military intelligence and no one knew except the wrong people. This seems very unlikely, but I consider all of the options. I am fairly settled on the fact that my problems began with problems with the Catholic church and people they knew and used in the system and law enforcement, including some members of the FBI. However, I do, out of taking in the larger picture, try to examine other possibilities. That's not paranoia. That's being aware that if it happened at least once, and these people were not caught, it could happen again.
When the most horrible things happen, ones mind is opened to new possibilities you've never considered before. Which is why I believe those in intelligence fields have an easier time believing and understanding me. They have seen the most unbelievable things, done by humans to other humans, and undercover and in subterfuge. When you think something is totally out there and seems so unlikely, but you know it happened, you begin looking at the entire world with new eyes.
Then too, you meet people who confirm it is all possible, and that it's really the only explanation for all of those things happening at once, and you know there are people out there with an understanding of things that others don't have, and don't want to have.
You have lost your innocence. You have become wiser, but it is also a burden. It's not paranoia, but a new understanding of the possibilities in the world, on a new level. If someone isn't caught, it would be foolish to assume it could never happen again, when you know something like that had to be premeditated from the start. It's also frightening to think of what else could happen to my son, or to others, when no one is caught. It wasn't an accident, and it wasn't done in a flash of rage, in the heat of the moment. It was done deliberately, over a very long period of time and then people were around to cover it up and even to come up with propaganda against me so I wouldn't be believed. There is a reason my medical records disappeared from my house in Oregon. Someone wanted to know what they had to work with.
Today I will later be posting more of the emails I sent to the public defenders. I worked on getting jobs for my clients yesterday but everything was closed. I have a lot to do today.
The water gushing out, I figured out was from the baths.
I also had very bad pain, usually when I was standing or walking, but also, after sleeping at night and that went away almost immediatly--the night pain.
I was extremely thirsty all the time, and drank well over 8 glasses a day of water and fluids, closer to 12 or more, but my lips were cracked as if I was dehydrated.
I also had scaley skin on my legs and itched incessantly. I used cocoa butter and took baths with some bathoil products, but it didn't help. My legs were so dry, I could literally see scales, and I used moisturizer every day.
I also wonder why this baby was never found to be moving very much, on ultrasound, when my son was so active.
It makes sense to me that the walking pain stopped, because I wasn't working after I moved and have been much more sedentary. The gushing water stopped and I know that was because I wasn't taking baths anymore and only showers. But it's sort of weird that my thirst was so excessive and just quit, and my legs almost immediately went back to normal and never itched anymore.
Also, I wonder why my symptoms of pain began after I told people I was pregnant, but not before, when I knew I was pregnant but no one else did. And I wonder why my red blood cell count was low when there was no explanation for it from a dietary standpoint, even being pregnant. Not only that, the results showed signs that I was dehydrated. Because red blood cell and hemoglobin was abnormally low but hemocrit was abnormally high. This can be a sign of dehydration and I felt dehydrated but I was drinking fluids all the time.
It just makes me wonder, I guess. I don't think anyone will do that much testing on my unborn when it happens, even if I ask, so I'll probably save and freeze tissue sample so sometime in my life, someone might be able to figure out if something else was going on, besides the cause of death. Because even that, I'm told, was strange and not likely. So why was my baby weak to begin with? Why couldn't my baby withstand a short MRI unless there was something going on before?
I just don't believe it was a genetic issue. I think it's odd, still, and the doctors were all shocked. So, I don't know, but I want someone to check things out for me. I read somewhere that you can freeze tissue from a miscarriage and this can be used to sort things out.
Yes, I sort of wonder about some kind of radiation. I don't think this immediately, but it does come to mind. The reason why this is not paranoia though, in the true sense, I will explain to you:
When I was held hostage, the guy was caught afterward. There was no reason to believe it might happen again. When I've been raped, and got distance from the person, I didn't worry it would happen again. When I had auto accidents, I figured it was accidental and didn't feel any fear getting into a car again. There are many things I've gone through and I don't worry about later.
What's different with the whole magnetic pulse issue, is that if it was happening at low levels, I wouldn't have even known. But the levels that were used when computer and electric toy problems were happening and my pain was so severe and my son and the cat even showed problems...that was obvious. It was extremely, extremely, painful and my body has not recovered and neither has my son's speech, to the way he was before. No one was caught. So that means it could happen again, at anytime. And I began having problems in D.C. with people as well, where they'd come into my workplace and harass me, and then there was the odd stalling by D.C. and Wenatchee CPS for months, when I was trying to do their services. I had people coming into my apartment and taking things and going through my food.
So, it is not paranoia to wonder if it might happen again, without my knowing even. It is also not entirely paranoid to consider the possibility that someone didn't like my family, or my father, or that my grandfather was in some kind of military intelligence and no one knew except the wrong people. This seems very unlikely, but I consider all of the options. I am fairly settled on the fact that my problems began with problems with the Catholic church and people they knew and used in the system and law enforcement, including some members of the FBI. However, I do, out of taking in the larger picture, try to examine other possibilities. That's not paranoia. That's being aware that if it happened at least once, and these people were not caught, it could happen again.
When the most horrible things happen, ones mind is opened to new possibilities you've never considered before. Which is why I believe those in intelligence fields have an easier time believing and understanding me. They have seen the most unbelievable things, done by humans to other humans, and undercover and in subterfuge. When you think something is totally out there and seems so unlikely, but you know it happened, you begin looking at the entire world with new eyes.
Then too, you meet people who confirm it is all possible, and that it's really the only explanation for all of those things happening at once, and you know there are people out there with an understanding of things that others don't have, and don't want to have.
You have lost your innocence. You have become wiser, but it is also a burden. It's not paranoia, but a new understanding of the possibilities in the world, on a new level. If someone isn't caught, it would be foolish to assume it could never happen again, when you know something like that had to be premeditated from the start. It's also frightening to think of what else could happen to my son, or to others, when no one is caught. It wasn't an accident, and it wasn't done in a flash of rage, in the heat of the moment. It was done deliberately, over a very long period of time and then people were around to cover it up and even to come up with propaganda against me so I wouldn't be believed. There is a reason my medical records disappeared from my house in Oregon. Someone wanted to know what they had to work with.
Today I will later be posting more of the emails I sent to the public defenders. I worked on getting jobs for my clients yesterday but everything was closed. I have a lot to do today.
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