Ex Still Wants Marriage

I thought everything was understood and then this morning he began to pressure me, or try to convince me to marry still. But I already told him my decision and I had made up my mind when I made up my mind. There's been nothing romantic at all since then, or even a little before then, because I was thinking about things.

He got a call saying he has to go to Colombia but I can't do anything about that. He had said yesterday there may be a way for him to work here for awhile, and stay, but I said that was his decision.

Now, I don't know where I'm going or what's going to happen all over again. He's acting like if I don't marry him...? I don't know. I'm so glad it's over.

It's the best thing for him too, if he thought about it more. Regardless, I have no idea where I'm staying bc one minute he's saying I could stay with friends here until my back is fixed, and the next minute it's something else. I have no idea. And then one day I have the car, and the next, I'm supposed to take Metro.

I'm tired of the back and forth. It is just good I made the right decision, based on things other than financial means. Hopefully, it will work out, but I'm left with no time for anything.

At any rate, I have to see a doctor about my back. I haven't been able to work for months because of it, and instead I've certaintly written a lot more, in the meantime. I was making plans too, and spent a lot of time on that, and now that's out the window. I'm not going back to the Wenatchee trap with nothing. I have to find the account number to my bank today.

He's even saying if I will still marry him, he won't even touch me and we'll just be friends and I can be true to the one I love and maybe he'll grow on me. But no, that isn't possible. I already decided. When I took off the ring, I didn't look back. No regrets.

I don't know. This whole situation isn't good. Just last night I was told by my ex that he wanted to help me with a place to stay until my back situation was better and now today it's totally different. Now, he can't think of anyone I could stay with for a short time until I have the medical stuff figured out. It's like I'm just being thrust out with nothing. One minute he's marrying me with all these promises attached, and then he's looking out for me despite the broken engagement, and now? I don't get it. I seriously think I'm going to have to look for a women's shelter or something bc I can't just leave without my back fixed and other things taken care of. I would end up in Wenatchee with nothing, trapped, and in a bad position which the state would continue to use against me. I want to see my son. But I have proof doctors in Washington state were refusing to help me with my physical problems and I don't trust state assistance, at least from that state, for one minute.

I'm a little pissed that I'm being left with nothing, after all these promises. I didn't string anyone along and I told him as soon I knew for sure, so he could also make plans. I am totally screwed, in a lot of ways, but it could have been worse i guess. I just expect people to be true to their word. If I say something, I follow through and am loyal until or unless I know something has to change, for a serious reason. He asked how long I'd known and I told him I'd had doubts (which he knew) but that I let him knew as soon as I knew and I didn't wait until I had other arrangements made. I told him, without giving MYSELF notice.

I'm a little bummed. I'm listening to Rick Astley's "When I Fall In Love". I used to sing this song all the time. I think it's one of my favorites.

I don't have hard feelings torwards my ex. He's hearing this song in Spanish and likes it a lot. "Mil Horas" by Los Abuelos. Well, I'm disappointed, but I can take part of the blame for this too. I don't fault anyone more than myself, but live and learn.

I still think I could be friends with his friends, if they are open to this. Maybe they don't totally know what I'M about either, so don't know what to think. But my heart is open and I hope I get to know the Latinos better, because I do want to work on my Spanish, I like the culture, and I know my son really likes them too.

I've still been invited to Colombia and it's gorgeous. I don't know why more people don't go there for vacation. I would love to visit, knowing friends. I have met so many really affectionate and wonderful people: Adriana and Ariel, Oscar and his wife (name escapes me), Carolina (strong and independent), and I love dancing with Eduardo and Rubia was also good to me. I loved talking with Eduardo about marijuana and am so excited the Latin American countries are moving torwards decriminalization of weed. I think this would be an exciting and progressive move for them.

I have mixed feelings. I mean, for his part, he's still totally willing to go through with the marriage, and in a lot of ways, I have good things to say about him. If he were ever sick, I would be at his side, to help him the way he helped me during this time. It wasn't a lot of fun for him.

I was so thrilled and excited to make my decision about breaking off the engagement, but I still want to maintain friendships and strengthen them. I would love to learn more about Colombia and also other countries.

For his part, when I told him I felt we were good together but something spiritual was pulling me elsewhere, he understood. And then he said, the other night, he realized he had his problems and I had mine, but that we both had to work on our problems alone. He tried to say, in Spanish, how God gave both of us crosses to bear, or burdens, and that he couldn't take mine and I couldn't take his, but we had to give them to God. I wish I knew Spanish better so I could communicate with him on a deeper level about these things. But he's also not super religious and was saying I shouldn't have given all my money away and that it was wrong when pastors promise rewards for giving money and everything. He's sort of a modern Catholic and he took off the saints bracelet almost a week ago. I don't know why. It's okay with me if he wears it.

Then again, I don't know how much he really wanted this marriage either, because he was expressing his doubts to me more than I was, and I was in tears over the back and forth stuff.

We're going out now to take care of some things and wrap stuff up. I think I'm in a good frame of mind, just nervous about the whole deal.

I still feel like I was being primed to be a spy and then somehow someone wanted to be extricated from the original plan and maybe have me think it's my idea. I don't know, because it was different. I also don't feel protected on my own. I know I need some kind of protection, and I at least felt better with a kind of community around me, because I have bizarre shit happening to me.

"Automatic Man"...lol. There's a line about being cybernetic. I guess there's both cybernetic and cybernatic.

As for A., he did say if my other interest didn't turn up, he would still want to see me and maybe in the future, marry for and with a stronger and different love. I told him I had to give this other person a chance and some time, and that I would wait, but not forever.