Fire For Fire

I was so upset I didn't know whether to fume or cry. I just went home and told my roommates, "I am NOT in a good mood. I'm going to bed." They wanted to know what was wrong, and I said, "Nada", nothing.

I don't know what to think about anything. I know the FBI has tried to set me up and literally, screw me. I mean, rabid raging and retarded animals. I liked hearing "Burning Down the House" where it talks about returning fire for fire. I'll bet they didn't expect me to start exposing names online and exposing all their shit.

What did they think? I was not going to notice that whole sting? and then the attitude afterwards? What the hell is wrong with these people? Then I've got the idiots with the ADA and Dept. of Justice?! I mean, so corrupt, where does it start and where does it end?

I don't feel I can trust anyone. Who am I supposed to trust? Really? I can't trust my own family because they cannot understand my life and what I've seen and what I go through on a daily basis. I was driving home and there's this guy sitting in behind me in his car, shaking his head back and forth and back and forth, like, "I can't believe what you did" or who knows what it was supposed to mean. He didn't look mental. He did it so much and I saw he could me looking at him in my rearview mirror.

I got into bed and went to 80s. I was going to go out with my Pakistani friend but I didn't feel like going anywhere. Not even out to get a printer to print out the motions for my case. I don't even know what I should be doing right now. I have absolutely no clue.

After all this, I just want to disappear. I want my son, and I want to disappear and want no part of anything. Total withdrawal and the only place I can go is to a quiet bedroom. One minute I am happily pondering world potentiality and considering art and progress, and the next, I'm remembering things that have happened recently and I'm fuming and I know I DO NOT know who I can trust.

For some reason, this song by A-ha "Take On Me" gets to my ex. I saw it get to him and he was deep in thought, when I was meeting Colombian embassy woman at our house, and he left and went upstairs and the others were looking at him with this expression. They looked sad. I don't know why, and he left to go upstairs and then was back down.

I have to publish my bank account tomorrow. I am hoping to God there are some people who would contribute to helping me fight back for my son, with some serious money. I have nothing to lose. I already exhausted all my options--I called every single volunteer legal service in the state of Washington and no one would help me. They said my case was "too complicated" and would be too expensive. So I was told to get a private attorney. Which I cannot afford. I'm more than willing to work for things, but the only reason I am where I am isn't exactly my fault. I've had tons of medical things happen, and I've been bullied besides.

Still, I wish I could contribute to causes like this one guys' cause, who was featured in the Post, who needs help. I wish I had money to help more people than myself.

I don't see how I'm supposed to get ahead, at all, when I have so many assholes trying to hold me down, trap me, imprison me for false or imagined cause, or trying to put me in a mental ward or cast false light on my stability. I mean, when I'm working, people find out where and make false complaints or harass me, and cause trouble, and then when I'm not even working, I have problems. I have more than one doctor trying to prevent me from getting diagnostics and normal medical care too, and being dismissive. It's more than a little odd.

I have a date tomorrow and I talked to him today. I was ready to toss everything out, everything, after today/tonight. I go through all this unnecessary crap when all I want is my son and obviously, I must be more than interesting to some important people to be approached by all these various persons. I don't know why.

I don't need people in my life, who doubt me. I don't need people telling me I need to do this and that and that it's so "easy" as if I'm the problem. I am not the fucking problem here. I don't want anything to do with anyone who questions me, undermines me, or thinks they know more about my circumstances than I do. I have to deal with fucking doctors all the time, who are supposed "experts" and I always know more about my own body than they do. I can't remember the last time a DOCTOR was RIGHT and I was the one who was WRONG. I have an almost perfect track record and I'm not even a frickin' doctor. They have been wrong about me, every single time. I went through two months of contractions and pain, most recently, because a number of doctors refused to listen to me.

I would be with someone tonight, if he is serious. If someone has a good explanation for some things, I would be with him this very night. But if he employed with any agency that has done me harm, I wouldn't want to be with him unless he quit. How could I ever be with anyone who works for people who work against ME?

I want to be with someone who fights for me, not to the death, but who believes in me. Who is willing to say "fuck you" to the others because he knows what I know is real. I need someone who is a believer in me, in the same way that I believe in him. I guess that is similiar to loyalty but it's a little different too. I guess loyalty is when you stand by someone, whether you fully believe in them at all times or not? Or maybe it is also speaking up for someone. I think I am a very loyal person. If I'm unsure about something, I'll play some sides to uncover the truth, but I am loyal in the end, or at the core. I don't abandon people because they lose popularity or money. I have realized there are a lot of people who struggle with loyalty, who are only capable of being loyal to "number one", themselves. There are a lot of people who cannot commit, who will only be fair-weather friends. I have been loyal to those I love, when they were at their worst.

All I know, is that I have some people seriously working overtime to try to bring me down and to bury my complaints. It's bizarre.

If anyone is fighting for me or has fought for me, I don't want them to die for me or over me. I don't want someone on the wire for me, if that's what has to be done to clear my name. I just wish people would step up and come forward. I guess there's a lot to lose at this point because so much effort has gone into burying me, or trying to bury me with defamation, and false arrest, and other things.

This guy who wants to go out with me tomorrow. He seems so nice and open and friendly and I enjoyed talking to him. I felt we could keep talking a long time and that we had some things in common. But who do I trust? So many people who have wanted to get close to me have had ulterior motives. And then where is the one I think I'm so in love with, when I only find it seems he's tangled up with people who are my enemies? I'm supposed to wait and see what happens? how long? what does it take to know when there's nothing to go by? and feelings change and people can change their minds with time. Sometimes, I just want to be an ostrich. Fine, have your look. But my head is in the sand fuckers.