Images and thoughts

I didn't need to make a new post for this. I wanted to listen to Kate Bush's "Running Up That Hill".

If people in Wenatchee didn't understand me before, they never will now for sure. They have never fathomed what I was going through over THERE, much less the intricacies of living with all these undercover whatever they ares. Going to Wenatchee is going to be like going to a 7-11 that's going out of business or a deli or small grocery store that not only doesn't have what you need to begin with, doesn't even have what they advertise having in the papers.

I don't need mind games in my life right now. I don't need to be tested, to know my worth. I already know what I'm made of, and what fire will refine or what it might burn away. I don't need this right now. I need people who take my number one passion and interest, seriously, my son. People who are not afraid to help me but who are willing to put whatever they want out of ME second to what is best for my son. I don't think I've asked for very much. I give loyalty where it is due and even when it's not due or deserved. I am told so-and-so has such a good heart, and yet I'm fed lines that insult my intelligence and set up in different traps. I didn't come here to pay for a real life ticket to the spy museum or the farm. I came here to get help for my son, and instead I've been put through the ringer, when I don't need this. I have suffered enough and it is not too much to ask for common decency and it's also not too much to ask people to give from their hearts, without expecting anything in return. I have done this in my life, and I do not think it is wrong for me to ask for the same now.

I'm going through all of this, and plenty of people know there is nothing wrong with me, and they want to use me for their world agendas, or personal agendas, and I have idiots from ADA who cannot even admit fault. I want to know why it is so difficult to be straightforward. I freely gave, in my life. But I see no one willing to do this for me, when I need it most, and when my son deserves it.

I have played your games, and I will not take any shit. You either treat me like a normal human being with feelings and rights, and respect my simple agenda of having my name cleared, or you get the hell out of my life.

I didn't come to this town looking for trouble, intrigue, lies, and more lies, and problems, and I didn't come here for a new romance. I had one goal alone and that was to prove what I said happened, and to find help for getting my son back and fighting the state for their illegal violations of law. These are worthy and just goals and I am not forsaking my son and this goal, to be a drummer boy or drummer girl for this country or any other country. Not for any romance either.

I came for one reason, and if, along the way, I have complaints to be made, they will be made. I'm not backing down on the OIG complaint or anything else and I do think I need to go to some embassies for help and find out who is offering me the most honest and generous, straightforward assistance. No strings attached.
**********************************************************************************

Hmm. not into images today. I tried to call my friend but there is no service here so I have to go upstairs. I told my ex I was having lunch with a friend today and then going out with a friend tonight and I didn't know what time I'd be back. I think I need to call though. I am going to wear my black cross-stitch skirt.

I heard this song by The-Dream "Nikki" about this guy who is just fine because he's been making love to Nikki. Made me think about Chris-Will. He is not only making love to Nikki, but everything on legs. That song still pissed me off though, because they were total liars and led me on the whole time, and everyone, telling everyone that there was nothing between them when they were swinger partners and there WAS. I found out from a high ranking military guy. He WARNED me but I didn't notice at first and then Nikki and Chris got careless and I was picking up on it. Then he had this other girlfriend, who I was always nice to. There was nothing, no ill will, from me torwards her. I thought she was nice and very pretty. Prettier than me, though Amanda disagreed. I didn't know why C. was with her though bc she was a little bit boring but I think that's what he went for. I didn't get it at all until I heard she was majoring in video game stuff. then I understood she might have something else to her that was different. The one I really liked, whom I would have been friends with, was her friend, who I think was also Jewish, and I loved her. I felt I really clicked with her, and she was a little shapely, maybe slightly overweight but not much, and so pretty with dark, dark, brown hair, and a bubbly personality. I wanted her to work with us at the Pub. I really liked her and got a very good feeling about her--I don't know, she was cool. We talked for awhile a few times, and I got the impression she was pretty observant and had some depth beneath her more social exterior. I missed seeing her when I quit working at the Pub. The other one I felt affection torwards was the Russian woman who insulted me whom I also insulted but I think we made our own unspoken peace. I was really worried for her bc she looked like she'd been doing more meth. It was obvious where it wasn't before. She is gorgeous and intelligent, and has so much going for her, and I understand her family was kidnapped a few times so that's traumatic. She and I actually had been through similiar strange situations--things most people don't go through or understand. So I forgave her later, and even though I haven't seen her forever, she's sort of dear to my heart. I hope she's okay. Last I heard, she was doing lines on the coffee table in front of anyone and injecting, and she doesn't need this. People tried to keep her and her family down and she needs to rise above that. It's taking her down. In some ways, I don't regret insulting her initially, because she was some kind of Russian princess and I thought she deserved as good as she gave. I mean, why should I suck up to her just because of her family position? I like to think I'm one of those equal opportunity offenders and that I'm egalitarian in my disparaging remarks. But I have it in my heart to forgive petty things and make peace too.

The only things I've not "forgiven" are what happened to me and my son by officials and government people and some in the Catholic church. Well, and honestly, I don't really forgive my own family for being horrible and betraying my trust. Presto! If I got married, they'd be cool with everything. I'm so mad, as a feminist, about this. If I want to be 50 and not married, it should be fine. I guess they think it's fine if I'm single but don't like the idea of my having a child and being single.

I like this song "Energy" by Keri Hilson. It's really good. My ex called me and said he had the ink for the printer. So that's good. At least he's following up on that promise. And, he said he'd take me to the coffee place. I hate working all day at the house alone. I need to go to the coffee place and then call my people. My ex also said it was fine I was out tonight, all hours. Huh. So that's good. Not possessive there.

1:38 p.m. My favorite song of the day is J. Holiday's "Bed". I am listening to the instrumental version and I like both the instrumental and the vocal version. I feel totally depressed now. I feel the heaviness vibe and I think part of it this time is all me. I just feel like crying and depressed. Everything is wrong.

I like "Private" too, by One Chance. I'm not going to cry but I feel like crying. Oh, and when I told my ex I was going to have lunch with the Pakistani guy, he said if I wanted to stay with him, I could leave before Wednesday. I looked at him. I was like, "I've already stayed with him and it was not romantic. I stayed for a couple of days (this was when I was eating Pakistani food, watching Cary Grant movies and reading the one book in the whole house, a large hardcover on Princess Diana)and we're friends, that's it." I wouldn't stay with him again, and I'm not looking to crash with him, he just gave me a house for a couple of days. I told him I wanted to have lunch with him to be friends and for "bueno relationes con Pakistan por el mundo or with el mundo." I just like meeting different people from all over the world and learning about their cultures, concerns, and history. I don't travel, so this is my vicarious way of getting to know more about the world. I told him later I was going on a dinner date, and he gave me the key to get back in if I'm late tonight. So he was okay with everything. i really don't want to crash with anyone this time. I just want to hold on until Wednesday and take my London friend's offer for a couple weeks in a hotel to sort things out. I want to move fast, and if I can at least get my back fixed, I should be okay. It was a really nice offer, for this other friend to say he'd put me up so I could figure things out. I have always felt honored to be speaking with him because he's so intellectual, witty, and interesting. He's got that English accent too! Older, and not made any moves on me--just a nice guy and we have something in common: our children. Well, we don't have children together. haha. But we both have children and know what custody stuff is like.

I like the instrumental for "Anonymous" too. Anyway, I tried calling my Pakistani friend but got the message machine and it's past lunch. I couldn't get telephone access at the house for awhile and now I think I've missed him, for now. I don't have the car today anyway so I couldn't drive to D.C. to meet him. He suggested having dinner last night, but I'd like to meet him for lunch or coffee I think. I don't forget, and will not forget, those who have helped me out in a pinch. I will do the same for their children, if it is possible for me to return the favor, someday in the future.

Today I saw this man, whom I've seen here a couple of times, who has an interesting look. He sort of looks Middle Eastern and sort of looks British. What does British look like? I don't know exactly. I didn't hear him speak so I don't know his accent, but he was humming something when he was in line and I was getting coffee. A well-dressed and attractive man. He has an olive complexion and green eyes and I feel like I should know him. There is a deja vu about him but I don't know why. I swear to God, I know this man, but from where??? We exchanged smiles today and maybe sometime when he's back I'll find out who he is and more about him. I swear though, it's like I knew him in another life.

I like "Crying Out For Me" by Mario, so much. It reminds me of "Bed" by J. Holiday, a little bit. Jagged Edge's "Where The Party At?" seems a little bit older...I can't remember what year it was I first heard it or was dancing to it, but I like it too, very danceable.

I think my favorite song to hear today was "Bed" and then my favorite song to sing was the Pussycat Dolls song.

I just got a call from my Pakistani friend and he said he knows of someone I can stay with and a whole living situation. I told him I'm pretty sure I've got the hotel from my Londoner, but thanked him and said we should talk anyway and he could let me know what his idea is.

I have to say, when the Pakistani people have helped me out, they really have gone all out to help me. I mean, drivers, and keys, and a safe place, and they trust me and I respect their hospitality by keeping strangers out of their places. Really though, very, very, nice and hospitable people. Maybe we have a "We Love Diana" connection. :) I was sort of surprised to see someone from the media, accusing Prince Harry of calling someone a "Paki", which, I didn't know, is an offensive term. Maybe he didn't know it was, or maybe someone just wanted to make Harry sound bad, because why would either of the boys be actually prejudiced? It was probably a gaffe, and I know how the media is. Well, I've met some fantastic media people, and then there are the others, who twist the smallest thing. They, at least some of them, really look for dirt on Harry. I've never heard of an attack on William. I mean, well, the Nazi thing was shocking, but other than that, it was pot, flashing boobs, drinking, normal stuff, and supposedly stealing from African art ideas, and then comments. I don't know, I wonder what Will has in the closet? lol. Probably whips and handcuffs. Not easily accessed by the public or media. Wouldn't it be funny if Prince William is indulging his actor-side with role-playing in the bedroom? lol. Imagine William in a long haired wig. Hmmm. But what role would that be? Caveman? I don't think so. Rock star? Maybe.

I like "Wanna Know" by Joe. I like "Stingy" by Genuine too. But I really, really, like "Wanna Know". I like "Private" feat. Akon a lot. It's a good one. This is one that I want to be in the club for. I really miss dancing. I need to find some girlfriends and start clubbing again. I like dancing to loud music too much, but I guess my back issue sort of put a kink in things. My Colombian friends wanted to take me dancing more, but everytime I did, I'd dance like crazy, and then I was bed-ridden for two weeks. I think Henry's leg is still bothering him, from dancing with me at that Colombian party. I still want to go dancing with these guys, if I get myself put together. Colombian parties are a lot of fun.

I really wanted to be dancing last night. I had a shot of rum, and well...I just grabbed the bottle and brought it to bed with me. I was sitting there, with a bottle of Gold Bacardi Rum and my laptop and A. was lying in bed with the covers over his head, trying to sleep. I took a couple of swigs because I couldn't find glasses and didn't want to go upstairs and wake anyone. So I just had a couple of swigs, and then I was bouncing in the bed, esp. when I heard "Girls Just Wanna Have Fun" and my hands were up and I was dancing while I was sitting. A. looked over at me and said, "what?!"

oooh, like this "Hazel" by Lloyd. This is good and this isn't the first song I've heard by him that I like. What a voice. Very smooth. Johnta Austin "Turn it Up" is really good. Another dance song and great voice. Good lyrics and creative idea for Omarion's "Made for TV". I like Chris Brown's "Say Goodbye" so much but it's so sad I would be pissed if anyone dedicated it to me. I hate it, the "it's not you, it's me" line. Hate, hate. But love it for the music and his voice.

I don't have the down vibe or heaviness so much. Sort of mixed but more positive. I feel a lot better.

I have had the strangest idea to write a song about the Russian woman I've talked about. I don't know what it would be, what I think she has a song coming her way. I don't know if I would publish it though. Maybe if it's decent but I need my guitar to work out a melody. Maria. That's her name. I don't even know her last name. But her first name is Maria. What's weird is that I saw her in a poem or image I wrote once, a little girl, and red as the color and then the weird thing was that later, Chris told me her living room was painted red. All the walls. And I had seen her in connection with this color. He was just commenting and said something about it but I thought it was really interesting. I think she came to mind when I was writing some images out and listening to the song by "The Killers". I kept seeing her as the woman in that video but then I wrote something out which I thought was connected to her. At any rate, if I do write something, it will come to me. For music, I don't feel I can write or make a song without the guitar with me. I used to make up melodies and even operas (in high school, my friend monica would rmeember) on the spot, improv stuff, but then after I got the guitar, I could only write when I was playing at the same time. I would pick out a melody and lyrics as the mood struck. Which was actually sometimes more confining, because before, I would create melodies without instruments and then just imagine what the instruments would be. But I could never play. I lack that gift. My Dad plays by ear. I can't do that. My father's grandfather, my great-grandfather, played everything by ear and was a bona fide genius and virtuoso. He taught at a university here out East, I think in Virginia. I've already written about this, but he played violin/fiddle and traveled, back then, with the world's second best banjo player. WHoever that was. All his sisters played piano for silent films, in the orchestra pits. And then, during the depression, he was never poor, because a lot of people had pianos and needed entertainment, so he tuned pianos for a living then, by ear. He had perfect pitch. He taught violin professionally and at University, with only an 8th grade education, because his musical skills were so good. I guess my father was my great-grandfather's favorite grandchild and he would play to my Dad when he was in the playpen and around the house. Somehow, he must have known my father also had some of the gift.

I guess this is good background info for my son to have one day. We have at least one real genuis in the family. Well, and I think my Dad is, until he starts putting superstition before logic. My Dad was skipped ahead grades because of his brain. He can do everything so it has made it hard for me to find a man who is at least as intelligent as that. I don't want to marry my Dad, BELIEVE me, but I need someone who is smart. It's confusing though, because if intelligence is from the mother...I think about my MOM and, she is very determined and she did teach herself rreal estate and got straight As without taking classes for the test, but...I think what my mother needs is critical reasoning. Like, critical thinking, logics, and philosophy. She's smart but she hasn't had her brainn trained to think like a chess player, or to see logic apart from faith and belief. I think a lot of people in Wenatchee are like that. It's not that they're not smart there, they just don't know how to think outside of the box, or how to analyze evidence or investigate things logically. I know my critical reasoning classes really helped me, and beginning logics or philosophy are a good jumping off point. It helped MY mind at least, and debate did as well. I think some of the most valuable classes I ever took were philosophy/logic and debate. These gave me a serious real-life advantage in listening, taking apart, and deciphering what is really being said and what is true. I hope my son will take these classes, to prepare his mind for analysis. I really think art and music/film appreciation classes are important too. And writing. If you cannot write, what's the point of having a degree at all? It doesn't really matter if you can spell, because spelling can be corrected. It's more content than grammatical structure even, sometimes. I had a look at Eminem's autobiography not too long ago, and you know what, those scraps of paper he wrote on and saved? well, he mispelled a LOT of things, but he's a genius. It doesn't matter that Eminem doesn't spell correctly all the time, it's the imagination that comes through.

"Jump Off" is a cool song. A song about adultry, and, well, very well-done and I like that contrast. "one girl is my jump off the other is my wife" I don't know what jump off is exactly but I like it. I really love Flo Rida's "Low" (feat. T-pain). LOVE this one and I danced around to this one with my son, in a supervised visit with the state monitor and I turned up the radio and made hand motions with my son and he and I drummed together. At the low, low, low, part my son and I twisted down to the ground, and then At the part where he sings, "gave that big booty a slap," I slapped my ass, and my son was cracking up laughing and the monitor's eyebrows were up. hahaaa. We had so much fun. My son knows what a good mother looks like. He has a good sense of humor too. At a very young age, he was laughing to situational humor, all on his own. I was really surprised, that he got things. I remember the first time he was trying to "play" mama. He was about 3 months old or so and he would spit out his binky just to get me to come over to him. I'd put it back in his mouth and then he'd spit it out and then I saw, he was laughing, and was doing this to get me to come over to him. He was totally playing me when i thought he was just losing his binky and couldn't get a good grasp.

I think he's, my son, really amazing. The other thing that shocked me, was how focused he could be, on art. I was really surprised by his attention span and interest in art and paintings and he had preferences too. Another notable was his attention span and dedication to tasks and problem solving. Like when he was just a few months old and he was working at unzipping my sweater. He worked at it for one HOUR. I documented this and thought, what the hell, he's going to be a mechanical mind or something. I talked to someone about this and they said this was really quite amazing. Oh, and I'm not saying this, right after writing about intelligence coming from the mother. hahaa. I know my parents thought I was very bright, and teachers, but nothing was documented really. And I was either lazy or unfocused. i would start something and not finish it. That was the big complaint, and the teachers complained I was always "daydreaming". I did daydream. I would stare out the windows and think about all kinds of things.

Thinking about the state, briefly, you know who I was going to try to set up? I was thinking seriously of setting one of the AG attorneys with one of the Colombian women I've met here. Tomas Caballero. lol. Yep. I was going to set him up, haha, with a hot Colombian chick. I told her, "Well, I think he's a liar and a jerk, but he's goodlooking and intelligent and maybe we could unify the state with my friends." She asked what his shoe size was. We all laughed. I said I didn't know. She said she needed at least a 10. This was all joking in Spanish and I said, "No sabes si el esta a 10, pero maybe el tienes mas 'width'?" and everyone cracked up laughing. This was at the bowling alley and we all had a lot of fun. She's actually a champion bowler, this woman from Colombia. Very pretty and exotic looking.

I like Treyz "Are You A Performer".