What I Would Change About Myself II

hahaaa. I woke up and the first song I wanted to hear was "Rich Girl" by Hall & Oates. I like the version where he says "It's a bitch girl", though, not the toned down version where he repeats "rich". I've listened to it several times today. Why in the hell do I feel like I relate to this song when I'm flat broke? I guess I get the "going too far" part, but for me, it's relying on having nothing to lose, rather than having money that will protect me. I'll take either one. Nothing in the middle. At either extreme there are different freedoms.

I was thinking about other things I want to change about myself or things I'd like to do. I would like to eventually get into windsurfing. Of all the outdoor sports, I liked this one most because it seemed most challenging. It's on the water, and engages both mind and body. I almost got into it when I had more money than most of my friends, at age 21, which is when I owned my own house and everything, but no one I knew could afford to take up the recreations I wanted to do, and for windsurfing you sort of need a partner or you might be whisked away by the wind. I've tried it and liked it though. I'm okay at skiing too, but haven't done it in awhile. I'm intermediate and can do the diamond runs but not moguls.

Something I would change is to remember to document every single business correspondence or government, medical, correspondence. Basically, making sure everything is in writing and organizing these things right from the start. I usually document, but I should do a better job of it, and should be better organized.

Last night I was singing in bed, listening to music, and my ex was trying to talk to me and I was like, okay, right after this song. So I'm singing "broken engagement" and he just turns and looks at me, like I'm playing a joke on him. Then I'm singing, "Shut up and kiss me" by chapin carpenter and he was smirking bc I won't kiss him. Anyway, he was whisked away at dawn again, by Henry. We slept in the same bed but it's a large bed and I put a line of pillows down the middle like a mountain ridge, so he didn't forget. lol. Henry knocked before we were asleep and A. was looking at me, and I was sitting up in bed, with my laptop on my lap and my plate of Colombian food on the side. I told him it was a friendly bed and he should jump on. It's like a makeshift raft from Robinson Crusoe now. I said it could be like "Three's Company" except it's me with two guys instead of a man with Crissie and the brunette. Everything is fine here. Henry was laughing and I was totally serious. He should have jumped on and we could have had a round table. We should all bring our dinner to my room and eat in my bed.

Well, this is my writing for now until later tonight. I have to get a bunch of stuff done today. Insurance and medical appointments and applications. I am really looking forward to getting my back fixed. I don't know if the disc stuff is just from the assault, I know one is, but maybe the other was reinjured too so everything is twice as bad. Don't know. Just glad this is finally diagnosed and being taken care of. I'm so happy about this and it's really providential too, bc I would have gotten nowhere in Wenatchee or Washington. They would have ignored me to the end and denied I had any problems, continued to refuse diagnostics, and claim I was delusional.

I'm not delusional! and I have evidence to prove it! ;) Should come in handy when I have that "psych eval", esp. after I show them how the state and doctors mocked me and said nothing was wrong. ha!

Oh, and I was thinking, I don't know which side of my family has been detected with sectoral heterochromia, but I was thinking, if my grandfather has it, it must be the Bairds, because grandfather was referred to in present tense and only one of my grandpas is alive. And if he has it, that's the Scottish side. He's Scottish and one other thing, can't remember. But maybe heterochromia comes from more than one side? I don't know much about my mother's father's father except that he was pretty smart. He studied agriculture at university way back when, and was fairly educated and talented. He was gone on long trips though, and no one knows why. I believe one of my grandfather's brother's wife did the genealogy so maybe I'll ask if I can take a look at it.

Other things to change about myself--I think I need more going in. More art, music, science, and studying Spanish. I am putting out a lot of thoughts but they can't grow and my writing won't be better if I'm not absorbing new material. I get a lot of new material just through life, but I'd like to start going to museums and things when I have a chance. It will be easy to do this with my son. I'm not against t.v. either, and should maybe watch more, but I prefer movies. I should watch more movies though and for awhile I was keeping up on current events but now I'm just scrambling to get things done for me.

I would like to be more established and then well-rounded.

I haven't dragged myself out of the house yet. Got to sleep late and woke up late and thinking of all these things to write about. I think I am doing better without the Flexeril and that Lyrica stuff. How horrible to call a brain slowing medication "lyrica". I took it for a couple days but I want to be "clean" for a good epilepsy eval, which I still have to complete in D.C.

I went to Georgetown Law Clinic, and got zero help from the women at the Women's Rights clinic. But then this man sitting at the computers, a law student, did me the most good. I didn't catch his name, but he let me talk and I sort of figured out what I should do with a little consideration from him. He was a patent lawyer. I looked at him and thought he was either German or Italian and I asked and he was both! I couldn't pick it out exactly but he had a face like one from European paintings. Sort of the larger lid but then this beautiful aquiline nose. I remarked on his "aquiline" nose, and he said yes, he got this from his father. I was glad I pronounced it right. I thought he had sectoral heterochromia too, but I
couldn't tell for sure because of the lighting and shadows. Very pretty sea green eyes and I swear there were a couple of asymetrical flecks but wasn't sure. He was
the most help to me yesterday actually. There have been people in my life who have
listened to me or allowed me to talk, who have done me so much good. Sometimes I feel it's one voice through different people, but I have been guided in my decisons
by others. I make my own choices freely, but if it were not for the kindness and consideration of some to listen to me and toss ideas around with, I couldn't sort it out. Sounding boards. I have been blessed to find or run into the sounding boards.

Really like "Where Would I Be" by Nanci Griffith. It's a good "i have faith in you and you have saved me too" song. I also like Alison's "It Don't Matter Now." and the "swinging the world by the tale" line from "Killing the Blues" by Robert Plant & Krauss. I think I'm going between 80s and this variety of bluegrass or folk and then I will probably begin exploring another genre. I tend to exhaust all I can of something before moving to the next discovery. I listen to hip hop and pop in the car and like it just as much. I will probably go to that genre next for finding new material.

Anyway, it may seem strange I haven't moved out, after we broke off the engagement, but actually, everything is better. I am thankful to have friends and time to get myself together, and A. is respectful of our decision and there is absolutely nothing romantic going on, at all. So, all is well. I DID ask about women's shelter's, the most humbling and embarrassing of all options, but the women at that clinic were not very helpful. I was willing to try that, because I've absolutely no money, but then everyone, my Colombian friends were willing to help me swing things so I am independent. I tried staying on the other hide-a-bed too but that landed me in ER. lol. Seriously. The whole build up of breaking up and feeling good about the decision, and I'm happily on the sofa bed, and then WHAM! pain! I told A. last night, when he was asking why I had scars on my left elbow, how I broke my arm swinging from a tree when I was 8. I told him all my injuries were on the left side of my body and that when I was 50 I was going to look like I'd had a massive stroke, slumped on the left. Then, I said, people think I make up my physical problems and if they only knew! I said to him, "Seriosa, si yo catholica, probable persons piensa esta mi futura haber una santa." which cracked him up.

I like "One little song" by gillian welch, and is one I haven't heard before but could sing along with anyway. it's a pretty song for harmony too. i like singing the harmony along with her voice on this one. suits my range and tone if i take the higher part. I liked the words of this one but I forgot to look up the name, but to "Wouldn't you think I'd have it all figured out" and the part where she says not everything about me is for sale.

I am going to move out as soon as I can, but I have to go to Spokane or Wenatchee probably and I also feel I should have a roommate. I have not been safe living alone, and it has nothing to do with ME, but all the break-ins and other things make me nervous to live alone. I feel it is better for me to be in a house with others or something. Even with my son, unless the whole "case" is cracked and revealed, as to who has been behind most of the harassment and vendetta against me, I would prefer to have my son and I in a safe place with others. It's necessary to know who is safe though and I've not always been lucky.

I'm almost done here. But one thing, this "P" guy said my son needed me to protect him. Fat chance that's possible when the state holds him hostage FROM me. I WAS the one who was trying to protect him and the state harmed my son. I don't even have access to him and they purposefully cut off phone visitation to try to claim the bond was broken. They had no cause for cutting off phone visitation except to try to distance my son from me and I know it had a horrible effect on my son.

I am not going back to Washington to take them up on their "services and programs". I am going back to get my son and SUE THE SHIT OUT THEM.

I swear to God, with my last BREATH, if it is the very last thing I do in my life, I will be suing the state and those involved in harming my son and lying about me and trying to keep me from fair discovery.

I have ONE MAIN enemy who is not getting away with this. I have a lot of enemies actualy, but those who took my son and lied about me, are FIRST on my list. THEY ARE BEING SUED and exposed.

On that note, I AM going to post one of my bank account numbers online in case someone wants to contribute to funds for my legal case. It is through a bank that I found in Blaine, which is small and I don't know their connection, but I was asked over and over, how I found out about it, because I got into a more "private branch" or something that wasn't usually open to the public. I don't know how. But they're smaller and I think they will keep an eye on any attempts to electronically deduct monies.

I think it's the Bank of the Pacific. But I am going to post the account number, because I need money to fight the state and I have evidence againt them, but no money for getting where I need to be to fight this fairly, in my favor.