Overwhelmed & Thinking About Son & Corruption

Honestly, what I'm having to deal with is too depressing for hip hop today. I tried to think of what would be fitting and Loreena McKennitt came to mind.

What is depressing, is corruption.

I realized it's Valentine's Day but that's not why I'm in a foul mood. For me, it is realizing the enormity of this problem, and what an audience I may have and yet how some just want to use me for their own purposes, caring nothing about me or my son's best interests.

I have been controlled for the entire last decade of my life, and I woke up thinking "I am 35 years old and I will soon be 40". I will be 40 years old with only a very long record of documentation of corruption behind me, of cowards and corporate criminals and government immorals. Not to mention the disappointment I feel with so many of the religious communities who I feel, have traded in God for a lie.

It isn't too much to ask to have my own son with me when I am his mother and a good one. Instead, all that is rolling again, is a lot of defamation against me.

Why? Because I didn't marry the man from Colombia?

Is THAT, reaaaaallly, the only thing that held anyone at bay? for what? to screw me over in some other manner.

So many of you have traded in your bowl of soup, your inheritance, for what you had to have in that moment, for that hour, on that day.

My only regret is that I feel alone because I don't know anyone else who feels the way I do and is willing to take the same stand I take. If you agree with me, where are you? Where are your voices? because I can't hear you, see you, and I don't know if I am only completely alone.

The cruelty I've seen, by even my own family, some or most members, is enough to make me mad and yet I'm not.

I just pray for justice as it has never been seen before. I want justice to fall so hard, people are shaken and cannot but believe it is God alone.

Yeah, it's hasty and absolutely ludicrous, to wish for natural disasters and I wouldn't dare claim this happens, but I think about Moses and Egypt and the plagues, and if I thought it possible, I would wish for plagues, to send a message to the hardest of hearts that refuse to relent after one sign, and not two signs, no, some people do not quit until they see their own children dying.

Locusts didn't matter, rivers to blood didn't matter, disease didn't change any hearts, droughts were not convincing, no, it was only after every firstborn child died, by the hand of the Angel of the Lord, that anything changed.

Then I think about that. Today there are people who may consider themselves to be the angel of the lord and take it upon themselves, but I think about this and wonder if it was really possible. Was it possible that a whole bunch of firstborn children died, simply from a curse? It sounds like just a story, a parable, but all the other plagues are possible. It's possible to have disease, and rivers that become bloody, and it's possible for grasshoppers to come from the sky (it's literally happened before, in the U.S. in the midwest). But is the other thing, did it really happen?

I think about manna from heaven and a rod striking a rock. I mean, the man probably had some kind of power to have all those followers for 40 years or so. And there are miracles and supernatural things that happen today, but they all seem so small scale.

God isn't smaller. So I just wonder where he is, with so many people who are really willing to hurt and hurt and do all they can to damage a little boy and his mother and deprive them of one right and one thing they have, by natural law and moral law.

For me to have endured as I've endured, is amazing, I know even my enemies are shocked. I can't believe some of them haven't decided to just let me have my son, after they have witnessed themselves, some of the miracles in my life. I've been beaten down, but not in the way they would have liked, and not in an expedient manner either, and they have seen how my life and my son have been saved from worse, as well. So I fail to see where it profits anyone to work so hard, at hating me and trying to "do" me "in".

If I don't have my son, I have just a whole lot more time to observe all the corruption, and start filing for my FOIAs again, and document more and make reports and basically make a lot of lives a living hell. That's not to mention the appeals and what will follow in the next couple of years should no one concede what's happening is wrong.

The simpler, easiest thing to do would be to do the right thing and quit lying and stalling and do everything in ones power to remove the people who are interfering with the reuninion of my son and I.

Now that I'm not medicated against my will, without my consent and knowledge, maybe I will regain my strength to fight this and bring together other forms of proving my case.

I have reports to file of my own, against "Tiffany" and others who literally assaulted me and gave me a tainted cigarette. I have reports to make about all of the Wenatchee people who have used non-lethal weapons on me as well, most of them, who did it to my face, were white, and some of them even consider themselves to be "christian" or churchgoing.