Not In Reverse

It was pretty bad out there today, but I got several important license plate numbers,, including one from CA that was only on the back of the car.

I sort of think some people want me to think things are going downhill, when really, no one even knows half the things I was going through before.

Umm...real downhill would be having people get close to you and then try to set you up to go to federal prison or even local, on false claims.

So, just because things "look" great on the outside and even if most people think everything is going well, it could actually be the most precarious time of all, and right now, some people have just decided to show me what they're really about becauase they don't care to hide it anymore and think they have no need because they're screwing me over and it's too late for me. So, they think they may as well rub it in or think they have no need to fake anymore.

In the meantime, I know what I have been saved from, by the grace of God.

Like the guy that scammed the Vatican and investors or something, who had everything going for him by outward appearances and he thought things were fine. So did the entire world. Meanwhile, he's got someone getting close to him and trying to set him up and maybe framing him first. So it really wasn't great times afterwards. Likewise, in his position, everyone else thought it was going well and then it came crashing down.

It would have been better if he'd been a bum on the streets than getting time in federal prison for a decade after a short time of paradise or influence on earth. There are a lot of rich and middle class or even lower class, who look like they have things together and they end up as jail bums.

Either as innocents, whose trusted friends screwed them over, or the system somehow screwed them over, or because they really did do something or were seduced to do something and fell for it.

There is nothing worse that is happening now than was happening a year ago.

At first, it felt like everything was worse, and I think I had a few tears walking home. I had a very bad feeling while I was in the visit with my son, especially torwards the end. I knew something was going on or being planned or something wasn't right.

But then, as I almost reached my house, by that time I realized I am no further back than I was before and in fact, I'm in a much better position now than I was before when I was sidestepping people who wanted to not only hurt me and my son, but try to have me in jail for a very long time.

In that regard--I won.

You wasted a lot of fucking money on that scam and I won. I have also won in the sense that I have not become one of them in order to survive or out of desperation or intimidation or anything. I have surprised myself with my own integrity in refusing to take part of something that brings people down instead of building them up. It's exploitative and manipulative and I am not a part of it.

I have been feeling bad for some different groups lately. Some individuals who are often on my mind even, I feel very sorry for. I don't think they will ever escape.

In that moment, when I felt the emotion rise and tears come to my eyes, I have realized, this is one of the best times to pray and reach out to God and ask for what I want. I sense the connection with my emotions and in my relationship to God, and it is at this time that I have realized, I can sometimes pray and have my prayers answered. It's almost, I feel, as if God or the angels see my tears, even if all knowing anyway, and it is moving to even them, and my anger is a almost a tangible thing which they feel too. I don't know, of course. I don't know how it "works"--all I know, is that I feel I touch on something when there is a moment of release and connection to God.

I wanted to be at the computer in that moment, so I could write images or poems, and express how I feel, but I wasn't. So I was walking and when I could, I closed my eyes for a few seconds and focused on this feeling and concentrated on it and then made my request to God. It wasn't about my son today. Today I prayed for some other things to happen.

As for Turkey having an earthquake, I was really sorry to hear about it. I thought about some sons of Turkish diplomats I knew a little bit in D.C. and I liked them and imagined Turkey is a pretty diverse and tolerant or respectful place.

I think the place that needs the earthquake, is the U.S. At least certain parts of the U.S., not all. There are corrupt and mean people everywhere, it doesn't matter what your race, religion, or nationality. But it is very disheartening to see it going on in ones own country. That is what keeps bringing me to tears. The shock of the enormity of this problem.

That doesn't mean that my heart isn't with my own country, because it is. But there is just something rotten that's been going on too long. And I don't appreciate any place, anywhere in the world, that pressures one to be in conformity with any kind of secret society or be persecuted instead. It's not what the country, or any country, should be about. Getting ahead should not be underground or because of political or social obedience to club rules. It should be strictly because of laws and provisions, on the face of it, and ones own determination and skills, nothing more.

If no one is willing to break out of that, and stand alone and be sincerely independent, than nothing will ever change. It takes more than just me, trying to stand up for who I am and my basic rights, with no strings attached. I don't know of anyone else who is willing to do this yet, because I haven't met them. I would like to meet people like this.