Ultimatum

I look at what has happened to me, which NEVER should have happened, and how I have been punished and insulted, and I look at 85% of these people driving by and I hate all of at least 85%.

On one hand I give my ex the ultimatum and on the other hand I don't know what is worse. I think things are fucked up and I feel sorry for just about everyone. I feel sorry for them because it's like watching a big fantastic carnival and yet nothing important is happening.

I feel sorry for all of these people who have been dressing up, and doing their stupid nods, and all this dumb shit, and paying or getting people to drive around swapping cars, or walk wearing a certain outfit or back-pack and I think I swwear t God how did I miss all of this for most of my 35 years?

I entered the twilight zone about 2 months ago, where the stupid proverbial "Veil was torn" and I thought "Oh my God, my family is the mob." Then I got scared and looked around and thought, "Oh my God, the whole world is in the mob." At first I thought I was going crazy, and here I am, sheltered and oblivious my entire life, and then just in a couple of months, I notice how weird everyone is and what they are doing. So I tried to find people who are NOT doing this kind of thing and I can't find any. I think I really am Linda Hamilton, who just wants her son and wants to find a way back to something where everyone is free, and culture is chosen not forced, and if there is a government, the government is transparent and accessible to everyone.

I do think it's worse here though, in this town, because in bigger cities, it is not like this. It is not so exaggerated and bizarre. I have never seen anything like this, and what is odd is that so much of it centers around some of my former boyfriends or acquaintances.

I looked at those red and blue pens in William and Harry's pockets and that was when I thought, "Oh my God. It's GLOBAL."

I don't know if I'm Linda from The Terminator of one of The Last of The Mohicans. Or if I'm part of some Dolphin Breed on the border of extinction.

Someone told me, "Watch 'The Queen'". So I did. My eyes getting wide and I hit replay over and over, like something from a bad movie, watching her line up 3 black and white pens on a table.

Then I started watching even the Presidents and the Pentagon people. The media, oh, well, the media is bought, lock stock and barrel.

So then, I thought about all these poems I wrote, in absolute innocence, having no clue and still having no clue and people thinking I KNOW what to do or what's going on and getting MAD at me for not doing this or that. And really, I do NOT want to do this or that.

I guess I was excited to think about something I was getting into which I only guessed at more in hindsight. But then I think maybe if you sign up you're the Unicorn, and you always have your chains.

But EVERYONE, EVERYONE is doing this and it makes me wonder if anyone doesn't WANT to?

And I think about ...Well, all these kids who are brainwashed. To do whatever their parents are told to tell them to do or to do whatever others want them to do. I think about, I thought about my childhood, being clueless and in school, and coming home one day to say to my mom and dad, "All of these people were wearing PEACH today! I COUNTED them and there were about ELEVEN people wearing PEACH, just like ME!" I knew, and looked around and another day, "MOM! Today at school, FIFTEEN people and the TEACHER were all wearing RED!" The only thing I remember at all is color and patterns of color.

Thanks be to God, I was blessed not to notice anything else ever after. Not once did I make a connection that people have this alternative culture that I have never once consciously joined or subscribed to. I was living my life, all good and all bad, but all of it, and not with any thought about others and what they were doing or how I should or shouldn't fit in. I grew up in innocence and now after seeing what kids are raised with today, my heart aches because they are not free. They are being used and trained, early in life.

My heart goes out to the kids and I do not think it's funny or amusing at all. Kids should be allowed to be just kids and nothing more than that--free to explore their environment and world. Just free. And I was so free when I was young, which is probably why I'm a rebel or strong now, in the sense that I played and explored in full freedom. But I was always put down, as thinking I was "special" and had people who were jealous of me, even adults, when I was just a kid and I never knew why. I was like some naive princess who was born to be a princess who looked like Alfred E. Neuman and had no clue why anyone was jealous at all.

I never once thought I was better than anyone and I never thought I was different from anyone else except in that I thought a lot, by myself, and felt it was hard to find true companions. I could socialize with everyone, but it was harder to find soulmate, kindred spirits.

I guess my enemies have fought long and hard to keep me down, and make me appear dumb, or ugly, or undesirable. I am actually glad, now, I think, that my parents didn't have me tested for giftedness when I was little because I would have stood out more. I used to feel it has held me back and that other things which weren't done kept me down, but when I think about it, it bought me more anonymity and freedom for a much longer period of time. So after seeing what horrible things can and will be done, in the spirit of jealousy, I am glad I was more of a secret weapon for untold years.

I one day popped up, my crocus head from the dirt and said, "ARRHHH!" and filed lawsuits and someone thought "where the hell did she get that?" and they thought I had someone helping me, a ghostwriter. Some people knew I was smart, but they just stole from me and didn't want anyone else to know.

I think I can relate to slaves in different ways, not fully, but in some ways.

All of a sudden, I had people wondering who the hell I was, where I came from, and if I was a real live bona fide SPY. Even the real spies thought I was a spy. Which is pretty good shit!

In this moment, having had a Scotch, and being absolutely downtrodden, but with the sun facing me full force and breaking, absolutelying shattering through these grey clouds, I love God. I love Jesus. And Ama comes to mind. Whoever Ama is, oh Ama. Which will sound silly tomorrow, but I just closed my eyes and prayed and thanked God for the sun and said, "Break through SUN! Make the sun break through God!" and it did. And even if it's coincidence, I feel very happy. I literally, I would not lie to you here, I really did pray and focused all my might and it happened. And I really feel I needed that, in this moment, to have a small answered prayer. I know it could be coincidence, but it was getting very dark and looked like maybe even snow and then it really did turn out, after I closed my eyes and thanked God for the sun. I should take a picture of it, if I can. I don't think it will look right though. It's so bright I even have blinds down and can hardly see my screen and it's this little bright sunpot surrounded all the way around by grey clouds. Oh my dear God, I think all the clouds might break up. I don't know. Wiat and see. This is a moment where only Wenatchee people can testify to the truth of this, with the weather or sun. Oh! it's going behind the clouds now. I think it might go behind though and break them up. But I don't know. I don't care, it was nice to be blinded for a moment, like Saul.

I should thank God more, for nice things like that.

I put on my headphones and tried to think of a song. "Suzy Q" ?! came to mind and I got this clip first. Just clicked on it. There's my brooklyn bridge. haha.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ht1kKPfszFM

So weird. I keep playing this one over and over.

Haaha. This is one of those times where I can just hear people screaming along to this song. Okay, not literally, like I'm nuts or anything you know. But, you know.