Music & Thoughts Today

Like Sugababes "Stronger". Put Natasha Bedingfield radio but will probably switch to Usher or Chris Brown in a while. Listened to "Umbrella" by Rhianna first thing this morning and danced to it, in the bedroom. Thought about her bruises while I was dancing to that song. Really horrible but she'll get out of it.

I started feeling my inspiration coming back, creeping in slowly. Last night, I was so upset, but I started to feel the ideas generating again. I think I had to be out of this relationship. I am coming back to myself again and stronger and clearer vision. My eyes were wide open, but I went along with too much when I should have known, if it doesn't add up, there is no way to make it add up. Trying, over and over, to get 4 out 1 and 0 is foolish. I'm not necessarily speaking about him, but about me and what I was looking for in my future.

I also know, and believe, my parents and family really don't even care WHO I marry, as long as he seems halfway okay. They just want me to be married. I couldn't believe how supportive my mother was, so quickly, like everything was fine and I was maybe "normal" now, to be joining the married ranks.

So very bizarre. At least, hopefully, I'll have some things to talk about, or actually, I just want to hear someone else's story. They were engaged and it fell through and possibly for similiar reasons. So I'm interested to hear about it.

I have to call my Pakistani friend and I don't know if one of his friends can pick me up now, because I don't have the car. But I want to meet him for lunch or coffee and then go out tonight with this other new friend I may be making.

I don't think A. was ever really serious about getting married except in the very beginning. And that was when I was being "groomed" with all the ettiquette and changing my look and discussions about politics and changing the world. Then, I didn't want to be a "spy" and it was like ever since then, A. has been back and forth and trying to get ME to break up with him. He was backing out when I was going forward and I think someone just wanted to make this seem, to me, like it was all my idea when really, all this was, was a fucking waste of time. Especially to be treated poorly at the end of it all, after I did my best to be gracious and gave him back his ring. There is no need to be wishy washy still, and drag me back and fortht and continue making promises that are broken. Then, I was getting even MORE pressure to marry, after I said no, and gave the ring back. It was like, okay, then I was offered all this stuff and I still said no, and then just smiled. Smiled like they were GLAD I was still not going to get married. ?!!!! They said, "think about your son." Of course I'm always thinking about my son, but if someone can't even keep their promise to help me get a printer going FOR THE SAKE of my son, something is off. I don't know, he said he'd get it tonight or tomorrow but I don't know. I halfway wonder if I'm going to come up to the Dr. appointment date and no one is helping me at all.

And for some reason, after all the drama of not being able to stay in the U.S., he has like 10 different other options FOR staying, legally. Which, to me, if he DOES, says this whole thing was some kind of set up.

Like Mutya Buena's "Just a Little Bit". I like singing that song, or along with it. It reminds me to listen to Erykah Badu sometime today. Bag Lady! and Honey! Jordin Sparks' "One Step at a Time" is a great clean song. Nothing really outstanding about it except her vocals go well with the message and the the delicate music in the chimes is a nice underscore for the greater message. Sort of a small seam or stitching for the fabric of the song. She's got such an easy voice and that high note at the end, sounds even more fluid and well placed than some of Mariah's superfluous high notes. I still love Mariah. Love, love, love, Pussycat Dolls "New Dawn, New Day"...The piano playing in that song is what I heard my father playing when I was growing up and I can sing to this song. At first I didn't know what I thought, but I like the build and by halfway through I was up, dancing, and singing in my best blues voice. Ashlee Simpson "Pieces of Me" is a fun one to belt out.

I'm starting to feel out what I want to do. I have realized, for one thing, I don't want to be a spy. So, I didn't know this until it was sort of in my face. But still I haven't known exactly if I should be a lawyer to help people or in some art venture. I think, if I have a chance to be in humanitarian and music work, working with artists of all kinds, this is what I would love, and be good at. I am good at encouraging others and I know the power of music and believe in musicians with all of my heart. I think my calling is in music, even though it's late in life, and even if it's only small-scale, I want to be involved with music and art. And, I think, this is my niche for my personality. A lot of people don't get me, but some artists do, and you can be whoever you want to be, and who you are, as an artist. You don't have to conform to the business model (although I'm actually good at business too). I want to be involved in international matters, but on a art, music, and humanitarian level. I don't know how to get into that, or this, but once I have my back fixed and a place where I'm staying, I do want to meet up with this guy who wants to jam and maybe do some gigs and I wouldn't mind being involved in other areas too. I think the only kind of man who could handle me or understand me would have to be someone familiar with artists. I'm not the greatest, but I think I must be that general "type" and I need someone who believes in me, and whom I also believe in and respect. I'm happy being backstage and don't need limelight--I just want to be a part of it. I think I am, already, but I need to join the club or something.

Oh, some info on my ex. Why does HE need calling cards when he has full service on his Ipod thing? Here I have federal people telling me to use calling cards so numbers can't be traced, and look who is using calling cards when he doesn't even NEED them. Hmmm. I wonder WHY.