thoughts today/tonight

good and bad. i don't feel like i got very much done today. in a way too, i really don't even know what my future holds, or even what is in store for my son. i have fought the best i know how, and tried to pull strings and do whatever i thought was the best and safest thing for my son. and i am engaged and things were working out with my fiance again and i was getting family support but so many things are up in the air.

one thing my son will know: there is not one thing in life i put before him. i have not, even once, put my own desires and needs before what i thought would or is in his best interest.

i would do anything, and everything for my son, within the bounds of law, and wherever the benefits are ahead of the risks. if anyone thinks i've been "living it up" and having the time of my life without my son, they are sadly mistaken. my entire life is centered around and on my son and not an hour goes by that i don't think of him.

there is no career, there is no man, there is no woman, no family, no boss, no important person, that is more important than my son. he comes before everything in my life, and his needs come before mine. if i were not willing to do this, which is MY personal parenting philosophy, i would feel i should have ever had children, not even one.

which is not to say i believe women or men, mothers or fathers, should forsake themselves or their own needs, but there is a balance, and if the balance must be tipped in favor of either myself or my son, i choose my son.

i do believe in saving many children over the rights of one, at times, but for me, i have always known, in my heart, that i was to be an excellent mother. i specifically chose jobs in childcare, babysitting, and as a nanny, and read parenting books and magazines with this thought in mind--that one day i would have at least one child, and i would be the best mother i could be. i am not a domestic goddess type, but i am very good with children, and specifically, with my son. i use every bit of my intelligence and intuition to ascertain his needs and i do not condescend to my son. i try to find a balance between finding out where he's out so i can both challenge and encourage him at the same time.

no matter what anyone from the state says or thinks, i know and i know god knows and even my parents know (and they admit freely) that i am a very good mother. the state has their own issues and their problems are not my problems or my son's problems, but their hysteria has affected our lives. all i can do, in that context, where i am outnumbered and oversourced and even where i am mocked, defamed, and ridiculed, and patronized, sometimes by women or men using a giddy and self-satisfied tone of voice, is to hold my head high and know my son will have the final say and so shall i.

my family's "issues" and problems are also not mine but their different philosophies have affected my life and the outcome in what kind of promises were kept. while i may now welcome an exchange with my mother and father, in no way do i forgive or forget things they said and did which were a betrayal of trust.

listening to music...was just thinking, i really like the slow version of sembello's "maniac". i like it even better than the faster original. i also think murray head's "one night in bankok" is one of my favorite english 80s songs. it's so quirky and yet musically balanced at the same time. sort of take a crazy jump off the ledge and comes back to watering the flowers in the pots on the patio--all over the place and yet still holds on with some kind of tether.

i realize, i feel good about all of my decisions. even with everything that's happened, despite the reactions and choices of others, which i could not foresee, i still feel good about my decisions.

i really like cock robin's music too. i think they are probably a cd-worthy buy. i like the way he sings "gonna pick the lock on it"..."my fingertips won't fail me, no matter what you do" it's not just the lyrics but the way they're sung. he practically matches his voice to the words in such a way that i think if there were no words but just vowel sounds, he could still communicate the entire meaning of the song. i guess sometimes a voice is compared to an instrument and sometimes the instrument to a voice and either is a sign of expertise.

i was going to get together with someone, maybe, today, to work on music but tomorrow perhaps because i was out doing other things and documenting events of the last few days. when i'm more settled on the east, i'll venture into practice more. it isn't very difficult to practice singing with a child, at least not my son, because he loves music so much.

i tried looking up more information about immigration stuff today. i was going to try calling and had some discussion a little while ago about these matters. i've got to find out more. i wanted to know everything by today, but i don't have all the answers yet. my fiance said he thought it would be good to go to wenatchee by tuesday and then marry there. or, he said this morning, we could go to rockville and fill out our license papers, but i postponed that because i simply don't know these immigration rules. maybe we should have gone ahead to fill out the papers? i don't know, but if we marry in wenatchee or the washington area, i think the papers are a little different.

hmmm. that was interesting. won't say what. hahahaa. :) i love this other song too--one of my favorites from when i was younger..."she drives me crazy" by the fine young cannibals.

i've had a lot of coffee today and switched to earl grey tea for now. earl grey is my favorite tea, i think. with milk or half & half.

i am feeling better today. i had to take large doses of advil twice, but that was it. my miscarriage stuff is finally rounding up and the bleeding has quit. finally! after months! i feel like it took about 2 days for the flexeril to wear off though.

my fiance brought up flying to Colombia with me to marry. he said, what about marrying in Colombia? with a smile. i said, "no! i can't leave my son!" could you imagine. he knew and laughed. i think he really likes the idea of my discovering Colombia. it's absolutely beautiful but i'm too nervous to go at this point, and have my son to think of right now.

i don't know if i can marry my fiance.

right after i wrote this, he called. there are some very significant reasons for thinking this but i am going to have to talk to him tonight. i think it's probably no. which means i have no idea what's going to happen. we'll have to talk.

i think i'll go back to writing on the oig post and the post about not taking sides right now.