Exxon Leaves

As I was writing my last post, I guess Exxon was packing on his own. He called me about 5 minutes after I posted the last post and told me he had his bags out and needed his camera.

He said he was leaving for a couple of days to find work, if possible, in Seattle. He said maybe we could talk tonight or after those two days.

I still think this is some kind of shitty U.S. cover up for first trying to get me to be a part of some CIA Colombian-U.S. operation or something...or who knows, maybe an attempt by someone to help me in a mutually beneficial deal that just went awry.

The thing is, at first I was looking at a deal and then I genuinely cared about him. I think he cared about my son and helping me with my son.

But I don't get it.

I wonder if the whole coming over here to Wenatchee was just to cover for what happened that I wrote about in Maryland, or if he was sincere. He seemed sincere at the airport and we had a couple of fights, but it seemed real.

The problem is, this morning he almost cried, his voice broke when he said he loved me more than a little. It is the first time he said this. But the thing is, he wasn't just telling me he loved me and that's it. He was yelling at me when I hesitated about getting married so soon or right away and said, this morning, if I didn't marry him or want to marry him he had to go find another woman to marry.

He said I just thought about my own life and not his and his daughter but it's not true. I thought about his life and tried to help him and did when he was here. I wasn't even mad about money, it was that I didn't understand the inconsistency or things not adding up. But I was wrong about that part, a small part of it, today.

I don't get yelling at me to marry him or he'll have to find someone else, to stay in the U.S. If he loves me why didn't he think an option would be to have me and my son with him in Colombia and just forget about the U.S.? He said he's not in danger there, so I don't know why he has to live here. If he really wants to, why can't he want to be with me and spend more time and then live in Colombia and marry there when we're sure or something? I mean, if it's dire, why not tell me?

I thought, in the last couple of days, if he was just going to use me, I'd use him. But I was past "the deal" phase for me, I really cared about him and I know I love him.

When he said he was gone, I felt relieved and also, I felt very sad like something very good is falling apart. I asked him, if he loved me so much like he said, why be mad at me about not marrying instantly?

I cared about another person when I met him, but I grew to love him, all EXCEPT his lying and pressure to do this or that. I don't know why he did that. Once, in Maryland, he left me at a hotel with nothing until or unless I changed my mind. I thought if he really loved me he would at least be concerned about whether I was eating anything or not.

I thought about these things here. If he truly had no money, I would support him. But like I said, it was back and forth.

I bought some things for his daughter and he never bought anything for my son, though he did show up here and said he was supportive of my getting him back.

In the beginning I met people from the embassy and then it all unravelled and I felt totally ridiculed and mocked. He was angry I tossed a wrapped Arby's sandwich at him yesterday. He said never in his life had anyone done that to him and I said never in my life had I DONE something like that. He wanted me to say "I'm Sorry" in English and not just Spanish and I did. But I told him, he felt humiliated in front of one of his friends and yet how did he think I felt when all the Colombians knew he was marrying me while he was dating other women or wanting to be with someone else? He stopped for a moment like he was thinking. It never occured to him.

That was in the past.

Since he's been here, I've taken him to a clinic for various medical things, for his feet, his eyes, and his blood pressure. I've talked to his daughter. I enjoyed being with him and he was letting his sense of humor come out. In the last few days, he was cracking me up he was so hilarious. He has shown up for me when no one else did. But when he gets mad at me over the marriage thing, what am I supposed to think?

He says, when I get upset, that he does really love me but why don't I think about his life too? I mean, he's only been with just me and no others for a month or LESS, so what does he expect? I need time. Right? I would be nuts to just accept everything and cast all doubts aside.

He said I needed to think about my son now and maybe we'd be back together later. I don't know what kind of angle that is.

What is later? After he gets a green card from someone else? I don't get it. First, Spiderman and the whole Spiderwoman thing. Then, this. I just don't get it. Exxon knows I wanted him to be able to work. I was looking for him as much as for myself.

A few things surrounding him, over there, were not normal. I mean, just not normal. Like, either mafia or CIA or some kind of intel "not normal" and it has nothing to do with my imagination either. "People with power" shit and a lot of confusing things. When Exxon came out here, he seemed to be clear of that stuff or clearer. I told him, too, I would help him make a fresh and clean start at a new life. He gave no indication of being in some mafia but I told him if he was ever in anything and wanted to start over, I would help him or do my best. I meant it and I still mean it, but I won't sacrifice integrity and normal time processes for that.

I wrote bits for other men I've cared about but I was and have been faithful and loyal to him. Is he "the one"? I couldn't have said in such short time. No, he's not "the one" if he's all about pressruing me to marry right away. I would sacrifice for his opportunity and his daughter but the thing is, I get attached. I was and am already attached and I know I would get MORE attached and then if he were just wanting out after papers, it would be very hard on me. I won't put myself through that and let walls down enough for MARRIAGE unless I really can believe it's about love and not just advantages and strategies.

I even told him, if he were bisexual and in love with some man, I could even frickin' help someone if they were honest about it. I am serious. Then it would be different.

But I care deeply for people that are close to me, and I was close to him despite some dishonesty on both his part and my part (not unfaithfulness on my part, but testing stuff).

I don't know. He has a lot of positive qualities. I don't know why I can't meet someone who is straight forward with me.

I think he thinks it's all about money with me. If it WERE, I wouldn't have been with him to begin with. I've dated men with far more. But things have to add up somehow and I don't know what all of this is about.

I saw some good things, like, I don't know, wanting to learn Spanish and helping him with English and doing an Eva Peron thing for el mundo. I want to make a difference. But that difference isn't real or grounded if it doesn't have a solid foundation to start with.

You build up, not down.

I wanted a strategy but it wasn't enough money for strategy. So then I was more sincere and not thinking about strategy or money as much..thinking more about love or my future...and he was still stuck on strategy or something.

I don't know.

Maybe he just wasn't and isn't the one for me.

He did some things that were really not very good, but then again, he was there for me. I just don't know if it was that he was "there" because of the possible green card.

I feel he just wanted ot find a way to have me "end it" though. He was looking for an out. I feel. I mean, why else...go through all the fucking DRAMA?

I miss him already and feel alone.

I called some women up.

But even if it's crazy, I do miss him. I just don't miss the subterfuge and games. I am not a pawn. I am not a piece. I am someone who deserves something real and I should be willing to give back fully as well. I held a few things back from him, but as long as he was trapping me into a corner about some things, what did he expect?

I'm not a fucking game.