Before I get into Seattle and Bainbridge, I will go to a concern I've kept private for some time. It involves something I've been trying to deal with for some time which I've tried to figure out. The evidence weighs more heavily, from my experiences, in favor of the idea that I have actually been taken advantage of or abused without even knowing what was happening to me and having no memory of it afterwards. The evidence has been in the form of questions from some of the men, and also in my own physical changes.
1. The first time I ever wondered about anything which might have happened, was when I was in Blaine. My housemate, whom I was occasionally consensually involved with, asked me one morning if I had remembered anything from the night before. I said no and he looked delighted and shocked. He really had nothing to hide from me, because if I'd done something with him, in the past we'd been consensual so there was no reason to hide it. He had never played any kind of mind game such as things disappearing and reappearing and accusing me of going nuts, or anything like that. So it was very strange when he was genuinely surprised that I had absolutely no recollection of anything occuring that night before.
2. The second time I was ever questioned about being in some other place than where I was, was on Election night. I stayed home and read Obamas autobiography and fell asleep. Someone said they thought they saw me go downtown. They said, or, he said, "You didn't go out at all?" and I said no. This time though, I thought it impossible because I was wearing the exact same clothes and nothing seemed changed at all.
3. The third time I, myself, wondered what was going on, was when I actually found a few hairs inside of me when I had not been, to my knowledge, sexually active. I was recovering from miscarriage, or basically, just waiting until I miscarried naturally. I was never questioned about remembering anything, but I wondered where in the world those hairs had come from.
4. I was staying with someone in Wenatchee and one day woke up to find I was completely "changed" in a particular part of the body, as if something had happened the night before but I didn't remember anything at all. However, I had some bleeding and hernia and it was like something had happened. I noticed the housemate refused to look me in the eye and wanted me to leave after that, but I also noticed all the use of a knife and trying to freak me out after I'd seen my son get cut repeatedly and thought maybe he knew I was going to find out and he was nervous I might guess he'd been involved. But also, I could not explain what had happened to my body.
5. I had the same thing happen again. Same body changes, like something had happened, but not vaginally, and problems with underwear not clean or not being clean like normal. It was exactly like the other time, and it was basically, like there had been anal insertion or use of some kind and yet I didn't even know about it. I looked at my door and the box was pushed against it but I thought it's possible I did this later. I wondered if I'd been instructed on what to do, or what was going on. Normally, I would dismiss it and think nothing, but then someone tried to pull a mind game thing recently, claiming I didn't recognize or notice a knock on the door or answer and I had to have been home. If it was in the afternoon when I was awake, or even asleep, I would have known.
What concerns me, is that all of these incidences combined, really lead to a question of whether I've known what is going on all the time. I don't have psychotic breaks at all. I recall every single thing in my day. What I don't remember, possibly, is what might have happened at night, after I'm asleep.
The last two incidences, I only noticed physical changes on two occasions, so isolated things. But it is enough to make me wonder, reasonably, and feel somewhat concerned.
That's just some things I've wondered about hypnotism, or sleepwalking, or medication. What is more disturbing, which I have a full handle on as it's been during the day while I'm awake, is what has happened, some of the things that have been done during the day.
It would be rare, but since I had a history of sleepwalking and remembering nothing, I wouldn't know, for sure. I feel like there's enough to be reasonably concerned about. I mean, I'm stating questions, but also listing facts which make it a reasonable concern.
I also had someone, a psychologist, get to know me after I was with the guy in Blaine and he asked me if I was easily hypnotized and said he'd like to hypnotize me sometime. I told my parents about it, getting feedback and they said no way would they allow someone to hypnotize because it could be dangerous and you don't know what someone is doing it for.
What makes this unique is that this has never once happened during the day. It has always been something I noticed after waking up in the morning, and noticing something is different.
I don't believe my ex ever noticed anything, or at least never said anything, about me in the middle of the night or anything. Maybe I talked in my sleep but that's it. I also never heard or suspected anything with a guy I stayed with as just a friend, Willy, who worked at the Bethesda Naval Hospital. It's been more with a couple of specific incidences where I questioned things, how they were possible and then sometimes had some weird questions leveled at me.
I'm going to write the other stuff out tomorrow. I'm too tired tonight and will do it in the morning.
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