The energy felt fine all day today, even while I was getting screwed over. Still, energy seemed to be okay, but not anymore.
For the last hour I think, a sadness. I am also worried bc it's Friday night and it seems a lot of bad things happen Friday and Saturday nights because I get this on the weekends, that something is wrong.
The sky is beautiful right now. Really pretty. A very unusual color of blue and just very pretty and I guess it's the confounded turquoise color. Very pretty. I thought it would rain today but it only sprinkled a little bit and the sun kept breaking through. This is the first time I've personally felt any kind of "rain" or sadness like something is wrong. I didn't feel down this last few days at all. Or week even, even though I found out the visitation monitor did not have a good excuse for cancelling the visit with my son.
I asked her what time she had called and she said 8 a.m. She called at 8 on Monday morning and then told me she didn't have Michelle's cell phone, but she does. She and Michelle have exchanged cell phone numbers and called eachother on their cells. So I could have had more notice. Anne intentionally left it to the very last minute and cancelled the visit for this last Monday.
This has happened at least 20-25 times, with either my aunt or a visitation monitor because they are suddenly "ill".
Anne sounded like she had a slightly stuffy nose but nothing to miss a visit over. She didn't have flu. She was having an extremely minor stuffed nose, no cough, no runny nose, nothing. She barely even sounded like she had a stuffed nose. So that was upsetting, but still, I didn't feel the sadness, like someone I know is very sad, until this early evening, about an hour before I made this post.
I then felt it pick up, like someone was trying to cheer up or was praying or something, but then back down.
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If I'm staying here to get my son, which I am, I am going to college but I'm not going to the college here. I should have taken some East Coast advice to not go back until I got more done there first. I still hope and pray for an earthquake here. Seriously. It would be nice to feel like some of the same people who are going out of their way to harass me and keep my son apart from me, if they suffered some loss, though not bodily harm. That is how I feel and it's an honest and human feeling and I have never claimed or pretended to be perfect.
I want to finish my degree and I've been planning to do this but the problem has been that there is no real University here--they don't even have transfer courses for my major. I would probably major in Creative Writing or just finish this English major and they don't offer that. So then I was thinking about nursing but the way I am treated in this town, so unfairly, I foresee bad things with trying to go to college here. If people will push me out of work and housing, and follow me all over to harass me, I do not believe I would be fairly and objectively graded on papers and I believe it would be more hell having to come into more contact with people who are basically grown up bullies. So I am thinking about online college but the problem with that is that I cannot find any serious, reputable colleges that allow all courses online.
I don't believe I will be going to the psychiatrist either. I don't feel it is a wise idea until I have more of the records I was trying to get through my last lawyer who didn't lift a finger to do anything. Without my records, I don't stand a chance with the psychiatrist. With my records and further documentation, things should be fine.
I guess the first time I felt a tangible sadness, was when I walked to the house my great-grandfather from Luxembourg built. I looked at that beautiful house, noting of course, in the daylight for the first time, that the old painting on the trim is turquoise (I will die wearing turquoise probably...it will end up being a bad luck color maybe, I don't know), and I walked onto the grounds and SADNESS.
The words of this fortune teller came to me, from D.C., who said there were too many people who were jealous. I thought about New Hall (if that really was in our family) and this house even, and some of these beautiful things we lost, mainly because it sounds like we were trusting of others, and, I guess, others were jealous and wanted what we had.
So the last time, I mainly felt sadness near the back of the garage by this little pool, and today in the daylight for the first time I noticed there is a wooden fish or dolphin on a pole that is in the pool. It's been there some time but I never saw it before, or noticed it. As I walked over, I was going to ask if I could see inside bc the owners said stop by sometime and they'd let me see it. So I did, this day, before going to the church, and went to the back porch where there was a lavendar wheelbarrow on top, holding two birds nests in it. Below were other things but I noticed the bird nests, and thought about my son, pretending to be a bird in a nest with me.
The computer stopped acting up from the time I wrote about the overheating, about 10 minutes later it quit and now it has started up again and started when I began writing about the turquoise sky.
I felt like someone intervened after I posted about the heating the first time, and it totally quit, and now someone is up to no good again. Also, when it started, I could hear the click, click, clicking several times, like changing pages but nothing changed, however a clicking noise was made first and then the heating.
Anyway, I was in the back garden, and everything in the back of the house felt sad today. All of it did. Last time, just the section where the pool of water was, but it was so dark I didn't see the fish or any detail. Today, I felt the sadness throughout the garden.
What a twisted web we weave when first we practice to deceive.
I think I am in a poetic mood so I will flesh something out.
something about:
stairlings in her hair
bracket of stars swimming
pricking points a-glittering
confetti through the pool
machete ends to kaliedescope stance
why have you your hands on hips
screaming at me as your hands are dirtied
with the clay
you make things new, and vessels of beauty
but to break down, with your anvil, what is turning
still turning, and en pointe,
spinning two spools of thread in the machine
cracks to find for letting out
the water and blood from my side
cranberries in the bog, and a stick of cherry blossoms
lying through the fields
while sitting in a trough
a carriage for pegasauras to carry the seen
plowing through the muck
turning at wind's spire
to hold the flame to burn the curtains to fan the flame
with twilight on the bookshelf white
and pink margaritas in the night
anchovies
anchovies
anchovies
(i don't like this poem! it's all wrong, and wasn't flowing and then of all things, i kept getting this idea of ANCHOVIES and i forget what they are so have to look them up)
********
I was looking up cranberries and found one of my favorite christmas books: cranberry christmas. I still remember where i got it--i borrowed it from our neighbors the springers and they moved before i could return it or i forgot about it and found it later and i always loved that book. it's about a man who is going to lose his house unless he finds the documents which prove he is the rightful owner, and this little girl finds them for him. cyrus grape.
i loved, loved this book and will have to find out when it was written. i even remember where i found it.
Oh, I am still looking. I had it mixed up a little bit because the synopsis is somewhat reversed:
from online:
Cyrus Grape won't let the neighborhood children ice skate on the cranberry bog near his home, claiming it is his. A young girl finds the documents they need to disprove his claim. The kids can skate again and everybody has a merry Christmas.
Oh, no, I just found the official synopsis and I was right--oh wait, not quite but sort of. It was so weird because I have a very specific memory of finding this book and taking it home and reading and rereading it. It became one of my favorites and I remember I was in the springer's basement and there was this wood fort area under the stairs that I went to, and I found this book. Out of all their books, it was the only one I took home with me.
Cranberry Christmas
Book 406/Completed: 1976-77
LC Control Number: 91001988
Author(s): Devlin, Wende.
Edition: 1st Aladdin Books ed.
Published/Created: New York: Aladdin Books ; Toronto : Collier Macmillan Canada ; New York : Maxwell Macmillan International Pub. Group, 1991.
Related Names: Devlin, Harry.
Description: 1 v. (unpaged): col. ill. ; 26 cm.
ISBN: 0689715102:
Summary: Mr. Whiskers faces a gloomy Christmas until Maggie and her grandmother help him straighten out his house and find the deed to the nearby pond.
Notes: Originally published: New York: Parents Magazine Press, 1976.
Subjects: Christmas--Fiction.
LC Classification: PZ7.D49875 Cp 1991
Dewey Class No.: [E] 20
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