Very Strange Day--

I am seriously questioning things. If anyone ever wanted me to be in a grand position, maybe it's because they thought, "aha! she'll be a puppet on our strings!" knowing I am steered in directions I have no control over. I need to pray more, about protection from human mind control and ask God to only allow what his will is, to come to me. Seriously. Today I was programmed to be Di or something and then things got very random.

I feel there MUST be someone who MUST love me so much and doesn't want anything but what is normal for me and my son. I hope there is someone out there like that, who I would also be attracted to. But, I am so thankful, too, to those who are already attached and have no other interest than to be good. I think I may have some deep secret friendships more than secret admirers. I wish I knew.

Today though, is now a blur. I was trying to base all my decisions on me and what I would naturally do but it's distracting to have this other attention so I sometimes purposefully go a different direction to throw people off, even if it's not the direction I want to go.

The time where I noticed a distinct sadness was at a specific time and then it faded, but it was very real and very deep. It was as I walked from my house to my doctor's appointment, and the sadness was from between maybe 10 a.m. to 2 p.m. I think it had something to do with my dream that I wrote about maybe, I don't know. Something happened or changed? or I was mocked? or my son was harmed? I don't know.

About the time I felt the sadness, I wondered if someone was leaving. But I don't know.

I guess I have something to report from the other night which convinced me I'm a victim of mind control and that my son is being tortured for this reason as well (or just tortured period).

I was walking at night a night or two ago and usually I just walk but for whatever reason, I stopped at some random street and sat down on a ledge and looked out into the horizon and at this school in front of me. Not more than 2 minutes later, lights from an airplane came up over the school, out of nowhere. It was like I subconsciously knew before I knew. I was so stunned to see this and having known it was something, I went to the house next door and asked what time it was and what the name of the school was so I knew for sure. It was "Columbia" school they said, and the plane had left at about 8:45 p.m. I don't know that it was anyone good, but the point is that I sensed the plane. The house I went to had a big can of gasoline on the porch and then I went to Safeway and there was this huge sign with a can of gasoline on it.

Then, today, I go to this grocery store, and get some gatorade and red grapefruit juice and this guy comes in with a t-shirt that says "Dizzy D's" and for some weird reason, princess DI came to mind and then, it just continued in this manner...

For example, next, I turn on this road "sunset" and every single car on it, practically, was some variation of turquoise. Then it was 8th street and same thing and at the end, some guy wearing a black and white shirt with a fleur d' lise and two griffins on either side. I make another turn and it's a huge store sign that says "Eclipse" and it's for this massage business. Then a motorcycle, and then I get to the clinic and choose a seat next to some fish magazine. But only after first passing these people first and some guy who looks like Di's brother. So then I am sitting next to the fish magazine where a big fish catches a little one and the woman on the other side is reading "Ladies Home Journal" and choosing something that says "With Love". Then, of all things, I am...well, it was a big russian/ukraine day too, and so the nurse was Russian, from Moscow of all things. Very pretty. This will sound strange but her B.O. smelled like mine. I don't mean that in a bad way...but I've never had that happen before, noticed anything like that. Then I am sitting there talking to the doctor and afterwards, i realized, I sounded like I'm a celibrity or something. I was saying I felt I was getting used to all the notice now and while it bothered me to have bad looks, I was getting used to the good and the bad and that wasn't bothering me as much anymore, as just the problem getting my son and people lying and not having resources to fight with. But after I described how I was feeling about attention, I left thinking, I sound like I'm Di or something. To hear me talk. I was trying to explain that I don't feel I really have any issues but that it's just natural because of the immense pressures and problems going on now and anyone would be affected. The other weird thing was that I started feeling dizzy at one point but I don't know why.

Then it got even weirder, even more! but I'm too tired to write about it now. I just need to rest. Maybe I'll get the energy up to write again later.

It was just a long day. Basically, people following my every single move, and there is no pay-off in it either.

It's not as though I am trading money and career for privacy. It's been all take and nothing in return.

I woke up this morning after thinking about things all night and wondered if there really was anyone on my side at all. I have people trying to keep me out of housing here, total discrimination and blacklisting, and telling me to live in transistional housing like this is where I belong, and really, this is just where THEY want me to belong.

I pray to God something happens to this town. Or, to every one of those who go along with this, wherever they may be.

At my appointment at the clinic the Dr said he'd help but I don't know really, if he's going to do anything that will help me to get the GAU that I need at this time and he was trying to get me to go on it for PTSD when I haven't even been diagnosed with that. I have migraines. Aside from this, there is nothing wrong with me that can't be fixed if a lot of people ended up in jail or accountable for collusion and corruption. There are a lot of government people who should be in jail and they sit around running other peoples' lives.

So more "symbols" in that room even, with "coastal living" out on display and a couple of larger paperclips on the desk because, I guess the idea is to give me the idea this is partly what's going on, which I wouldn't doubt. There wouldn't be this much military involvement, in my opinion, if it wasn't true and people in the Pentagon wouldn't know who I am either.

I bought a planner. I can't even buy a planner without someone making a big deal about it..about what color it is. I was going to buy a CD player until I wondered what in the world was going on. People really influencing or trying to influence what I select and I don't know who it affects. So it should just be about buying a CD player, period, and instead, I'm looking around and just as I'm about to buy it, what should happen but we hear a big "POP" and I look over to the side and say, "What was that?" and everyone looks and it's this turquoise cell phone that had fallen off the display with no one around it or touching it.

I looked and the store guy said, "Oh, it just fell off the display". Then this other guy comes out from the back and I'm wondering if someone had rigged it so this turquoise phone drops off of the display. I had just been saying, "It's perfect, I just hate to spend money if..." and POP, off goes the turquoise phone after I've passed a million turquoise cars that day. I looked and then looked at him and started laughing and said, "Oh, I think I have to go!" and I walked out, looking at the phone on the floor and not wanting to touch it. No one else wanted to touch it either.

So then I go to this one store and look for a planner and I was going to get watercolor paper and paints too but decided against it for that time and what was sort of different, for me, is that I chose a planner I never would have chosen before. I mean, I always get straight black because it goes with everything and is quiet and subdued, or I've had a brown one before, or some earthy shade, but usually something dark and plain. I ended up choosing an academic calendar which has everything I like: a view of the month ahead, and every day divided into 15 minute segments (for ultra structure) and then a calendar for classes bc I'm determined to finish my degree and pursue further schooling. But what was weird is it was the only white one and I have an aversion to white, and it made me think about the white MAC laptop the woman had when my throat was doing all these weird things and the technology. And I sort of think of death sometimes...dissolved of life or color to white. But white can also be of purity and something new and I decided to choose white simply to combat the image of that white laptop where my fucking VOICE was being stolen, and to replace it with whatever memories I wanted to attach to white.

So I was acting as my own therapist, where you confront the issue head on and take it by the horns, so to speak, and take the image or idea or memory that is an interference, and claim it, embrace it, and mold it to your own will, and refuse to allow circumstances to define you, and instead take it and define it your own way. So I chose white. I figured it was both a way to say to myself, You are greater than what is being attempted...you can change this. And I also said to myself, it was a good thing to have a small reminder of how cruel the world is and how I must protect myself and be on guard.

So then I felt a little weird about my white planner, for me, it was different. But I walked out and then I sat with some gay guys I passed by who said they were going to "JRs", and they thought when I said "JRs" that I was talking about their gay men's dinner that night. I said, no. I also got some books for my son. I felt things all over again but I tried to think of what my son would like.

I was going to get thomas the tank engine but it was big. I found this book about William Tell, and I don't know the story at all, or didn't, and the illustrations are gorgeous. My son has an eye for good illustrations, not just good text, so I liked this one, however, he's only 4 and it's about a father shooting an apple off of his son's head and I thought, "Great. Next thing is there will be an apple shooting contest" so i was thinking I might edit how the story is told. I read it and educated myself at least.

Then I went outside of the displays and I was going to get hardy boys or something but in the middle of all the hidden books I found this one, and I don't know if it's too mature for my son, but I liked the idea of it: "Bambert's Book of Missing Stories" by Reinhardt Jung. I was trying to think of something that might appeal to my son emotionally, as he's been exposed to so much cruelty so early and I liked the idea of this lonely Bambert up in his attic alone and thought about my son playing by himself and figured this might be a sensitive book. He attaches lights to balloons and sends them out to the world and they come back with different postmarks from different countries and then he has one about his own life which is yet to be written.

The other thing yesterday that I had fun with, was I rang a bell. I went to Arby's and never noticed until yesterday that there was a huge bell on the wall which said to ring for service. I've been there a ton of times and never saw it before. I went there bc no one was there at all. So I walked in, saw that bell and yanked on it, back and forth, and yelled, as the whole Arbys was empty except for the workers, "Hell rings a Bell!" and cheerfully presented myself at the counter.

The other day I was in the liquor store and thanked the good doctor for pointing out what he thought might be best, telling the liquor man, "Thank you doctor" after someone came in asking if the music was "queen" and then this guy holds up a paper note of $50 and I said, "something wrong with it?" and he smirked and I said, "you need a vault" after he said he just got it from the bank, and then I added, "well, actually, a vault won't help--you need to make it yourself." I don't know what exactly but I was joking and he laughed. So I came around the corner and the workers are just looking at me, peeping from behind the vents, and I was feeling jolly and matter of fact.

They came out and "Penn" served me. I got an Arby's sandwich and a cherry turnover. Then I'm reading the paper and it's chris this and that and some skiier with her butt turned up to everyone, like, mooning people, and has a cobweb on the side. I burst out laughing.

I was at the Dollar Store the other day and getting a couple things for my son. I found this single roll of "tatoo tape" that glowed in the dark, hidden behind everything, all the crap in the dollar store and I wouldn't get it though I was going to...I thought, why was this the only one in the whole store and hidden and I found it? I wasn't rummaging through everythign. I just found it right away. So I didn't get it and instead got silly string, and two packages of "magic tricks" which I thought might be fun for my son. "Impossible Magic" and "2PK Magic Teasers".

I suspect he'll want to be a soldier again today. That was the other thing I forgot to get--little soldiers to set up.

So then I was walking from the library and realized I'd taken the books without checking out so made a call from a phone and it was the crayon house with crayons laid out and a black crayon all on its own. And a gnome. And then this cat comes up and is wearing a turquoise bell collar. I borrowed the phone, first one all day and it's kids and then some turquoise screen saver. So then I went on and saw some birch trees which were peeling and I thought I should take some to show my son what paper comes from. SO I asked if I could take some and I peeled off large parchments and figured this goes well with Bambert's Missing Stories.

Other weird thing. The Bambert book was hidden, not on display and turned over too, so not obvious, and I found it and then when I was checking it out,, there...oh nevermind. A book about stamps and I read later this one is about postmark stamps from around the world.

So the cat with the turquoise collar comes over and then there were bits of turquoise along the road and I just thought, this is a big joke or I'm a paperclip victim.

So then after that, I was thinking. CATS. You should see what happened when I said the shit hit the fan, number 1, and number 2, I could write a whole huge post about cats. Cats on mind control, crossing the street all the TIME when I am walking by. Calico cats, black cats, brown cats, tabby cats, white cats...It's cats, cats, cats. It's like the bugs. But cats for the last several months, just crossing my path everywhere I go.

Oh and when I wrote about the shit hitting the fan, someone over here thought it would be hilarious to enact a real shit-hitting scene because there was dog poop EVERYWHERE.
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I tried to get housing, for the last month, and not one person will rent to me. The housing woman tried to say I hadn't tried and I said, "Oh really?" and she asked what effort I'd made and then didn't want to hear. So I said, "I would like to have a chance to defend myself and if you're really interested in whether I've made my own good faith attempt, I would think you'd want to hear." So I explained to her that I had called on every single apartment and house in this area, from $300-$2200/mo. and not one person would rent to me. I called every place on craigslist. I also called on all of the rooms for rent.

So, I said, when it looks like I'm blacklisted and can't even get housing, I would think monies for housing could go torwards hotel if nothing else is there and I am refused and denied anything else. She tried to tell me to go to "transistional housing" or homeless shelter. I said, "I do not deserve to be in a homeless shelter and there is no excuse for this." I added "Why is it that this is the only town (come to think of it, maybe not bc I've had other landlord intrusions) where my landlords are allowed to illegally come in whenever they want and no one on police enforces the law? and why is it, that I have a hard time finding a place here but nowhere else?"

All three places I rented at, in this town, the landlord entered illegally. All of them. And then when I stayed with others, most (not all) stole from me--clothing or documents.

I told her I have been self sufficient my entire life and it is not MY fault if I try to get housing in good faith and I'm constantly screwed over. The point of the federal money, which is allocated as a GRANT, is to immediately PREVENT "homelessness".

I'm a nice person, but what kind of message am I sending when I continue to overlook these things and allow people to invade my privacy with impunity? It has only continued. At the very least, I should be secure in my own house.
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listening to "my lagan love"
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I had an image this morning. After I made my post, ending with the part about cats and poop everywhere, I had the image of a man bent over a laptop or computer, reading my blog, wearing glasses. Maybe more detail later. I saw who it was but don't want to say.