I already know how it sounds, what I'm writing. But if I don't document this now, someone could say later that I made things up to suit me and make symptoms fit the conclusion.
I think about how it sounds to ANYONE who hasn't known what I've been through, and I feel like laughing out loud. I don't mean what I've "been through" emotionally, I mean, literally, what people have done and the use of police and things that have been done. The missing documents from my house and car vandalisms and profiling and all these things...There is way more that I have to share, that's coming up, and it was hard enough to just get to the part about my lawyer and the "deal" he was trying to make with the Abbey.
I know this radiation stuff sounds totally wacko, but I don't show any signs of mental instability to any roommates or coworkers, or the public, and yet I still know this happened, and that what I and my son went through was real. I don't HAVE any of the pains now. At ALL. I don't have any of the symptoms, but I know it wasn't my imagination. Those who believe me are those who understand technology because they are the ones telling me it's totally possible and HOW it would be possible. I'm not coming up with crazy ideas and THEN making up symptoms. I have others telling me exactly how it's possible.
The guy who drove the taxi and told me all about this, he told me about the loss of periods and premature menopause BEFORE I started losing my period altogether. THAT wasn't even happening to me at the time. I think I told him I'd quit having my period, but what he said was that it will permanently damage the ability to have children. And the thing is, my period came back, completely normal, and then just petered out, and I have people who know this is true. I'm not making up the loss of my periods. But it's happened.
So, I want to crack up laughing, and sometimes I do laugh, because it sounds NUTS, but at the same time, so far, there are signs that this really DID happen and it IS literally possible.
I only feel like crying when I remember what we went through, and think about the potential consequences now. The fact that no one, hardly, can even be expected to believe me, is difficult.
There are people who know this is possible and by the time I'm finished writing about all the harassment that happened against me, I think there may be some believers, who know I must have pissed off a group that wanted to use extraordinary means to punish me and my son.
I can honestly say, if I am caught between a rock and a hard place, and have no money and zero support from anyone to prove I'm right, and if I get tagged as mentally ill or being THEN "ill", if I think there is no way for me to prove my case NOW, I will just fake it. I will fake having a sudden "revelation" that I was so "ill" before and that now I'm seeing the light, and oh my goodness, I must have been REALLY stressed out--so stressed out I had a breakdown and that I was "paranoid" afterwards as well, until, THANK GOD, I had two or three counseling sessions with so-and-so, and I acknowledge everything was bad then and is so "okay" now and I now doubt myself and accept I was so severely ill.
And on and on until, "can I go home now" and take my son back. And when I "prove", by LYING to the fucking world, that I accept I was ill and "may be prone", I will prove I don't need medications now by suddenly becoming so sweet and angelic and not saying a fucking thing that's on my mind, that's been on my mind since I was six years old, because I will become the perfect conformist until I pass muster and then I will take my SON and MYSELF the HELL out of this country.
And believe me, if I have to do THAT, we will be gone forever (if I don't die of cancer first) and I will make my case with the fucking tooth enamel or whatever I have to do when I have enough money.
But if I suddenly seem so "changed" and everyone starts attributing it to good therapy, it's only because I'm fully SANE to begin with and sane enough to "fake" a "revelation" and start lying to everyone. I will not tae any fucking medications, but will prove I have become so "cured" through "just wonderful" behavioral-cognitive therapy.
I say this NOW, because if or when I suddenly "change", I want everyone to know this is a fucking act, and no one will ever be able to PROVE it's an act to begin with. I will only be "giving in" to get the hell out. But right now, until then, I stand by everything I've fucking said.
I will even fake my family out enough to make them think I'm "back to normal" or whate4ver they think is normal, and talk a good talk and say how I forgive everyone and was so "screwed up" I didn't know what I was thinking.
You want me to ACT? I will put on a fucking off-off-Broadway show.
And then, when you think it's so great, we will be the hell OUT.
There is no forgiveness for leaving me and my son in this position, and withdrawing support for a lawyer after empty promises. But believe me, I'll put in my "time" as the conformist, and who is going to prove it's not "long enough"? If I'm so fucking mentally ill, I won't be able to "contain" myself that long, right?
So we'll see who wins the war.
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