Quash Self Doubt & Arise

I had a small epiphany at about 2 a.m. I woke up and the first thought I had, was why am I, have I, allowed others to dictate to me my own life and to cause me to doubt myself?

It is one thing to take and follow sound advice. It is something else to be a 34 year old woman who is a writer and has been her entire life, and to have others creating doubt about not just her own personality, but her goals, her obstacles, and herself in general.

It is one thing not to write about anyone and everyone. That I can do. But if someone chooses to journal publicly, as many in the world do, why am I punished for this as if I live in a dictatorship? Why have I allowed others to suggest, in any way, that my writing, creative or emotional, or more professional, is indicative of a mental illness when anyone can speak to me at any time of day and know I am not mentally ill?

And finally, when the entire reason my son was taken, was at the idea I HAD no real injuries, why am I still fighting the state? I am able to prove I was right and they were wrong, and yet I have allowed them to construct an entirely different premise for why my son was even taken to begin with. The entire hearing was centered on medical records by Wenatchee medical professionals, all about how I didn't have injuries. That, and the idea that nothing environmental caused health problems which I described in my blog and that talk about magnetic stuff was a sign of paranoia when it was only what I directly repeated from the mouth of Andy Panda.

This is flat out ridiculous. What is most shocking, I thought as I awoke, is that I have allowed others to take my dignity from me. Not all of it, of course, but I gave them part of my dignity in my attempt to bend over backwards and desperately explain myself, or try, when they already knew I had no reason to justify myself once the facts were out in the open. My first assignment, for myself, is to quit giving up my dignity and to come back to being a private person who does not NEED to defend or justify herself against the accusations of others. I do not need to give myself away, to anyone, anymore than I would naturally choose as a confident and self-secure individual. I feel it's right to express these thoughts because I can't believe I'm alone in this struggle. Why would my human struggles be different from those of others, even if my circumstances are strange?

Why is it that I, as an adult woman, have allowed others to belittle physical disabilities which limited what I could do and put me in a financially difficult position?

The fact that I vacillate between what to write or not write is no more a sign or symptom of "bipolar illness" or OCD or anything else than it is a sign that a lot of people have interferred with my life and tried to tell me what to do and my conflict has not been with my own mind but rather what advice to take. I have 10 different people telling me to do 10 different things and really, in the beginning, my judgment was best and reliable.

The fact that I even sit down and have to PONDER whether to blog or not and doubt myself, on the 4th of July, when I should have my son with me and be enjoying the holiday, speaks for itself. It speaks to the fact that I feel I have to justify every single decision and move I make and get approval before I do a thing. I have people trying to reduce me to become the very product they are, of society, or whatever they think MY ROLE in society should be.

I have people claiming there is something wrong with me for not being "stable" and yet the only instability I have in my life, in truth, is financial instability which occured only after I was injured in childbirth. I was not unstable prior to this and, had I not been pulled over for "suspended license" (which was not suspended) and harassed by litigation attorneys, and slandered by FBI and Portland police after trying to make a valid complaint of misconduct, I would have continued to go on in college, finished my degree, and been in law school by now.

Instead, I ended up staying in Washington because I was afraid of a judge or police illegally suspending my license or trying to say I did something else I didn't do and getting trapped without transportation. So within a short matter of time, I was pregnant and at high risk and then I couldn't work because of my injuries. I then experienced further harassment by some group, which neighbors had documented themselves, and when I kept telling law enforcement this would escalate to something worse, no one listened to me.

This is all supposed to my fault somehow and yet it is not. It is not even close to an kind of indicator that I am an unfit mother in any way. I have had anger when I have been provoked and harassed, but nothing out of the ordinary and I've never threatened anyone with physical harm. The idea that I do not control my anger is b.s. With what I am subjected to, my control is exemplary and in no way has the harassment by adults affected my ability to relate and care for my son.

Then I've reported things which never were investigated and only put me and my son in danger and I wonder, to this day, if anyone with the FBI even looked into the complaint I made while I was pregnant, about the judges. If not, that was negligent at best and possibly only put my and my son's life in danger.

There is nothing wrong with me and every housemate I've had has seen I don't use substances. They also know I'm not mentally ill. Do you know what my housemates current complaint against me is? No one alleges substance abuse or mental illness. They complain that I don't have a JOB yet. It's financial. My problems have been financial and they began when I was thrust out of all state aid because my son was taken from me and I was still injured. Since then, I've worked just fine when I've been able to work, i.e., not in the middle of some medical issue.

I don't even have any medical issues, but the last job I secured which would have been high paying, was lost when I was falsely accused, in Wenatchee, of stealing a car and then thrown in jail which made it impossible for me to get back to Seattle.

All I need is a job, but I will be hard pressed to find one in this town, and everyone knows it. I was only recently medically stable enough and not hemmorhaging, since April which is only 2 months ago. Then the month of April I was still on painkillers and getting cortisone shots to see if that helped my back. It's been May and June I was able to work and I looked in Wenatchee to no avail.

It's hard to travel back and forth from Seattle and Wenatchee when the State of Washington is the reason I lost my car to Canada, was jailed in Canada, traumatized, and witnessed the severe weight loss of my own son and his own trauma from being taken from me. All on the false claim and slander which was later retracted, that I had "paranoid schitzophrenia". Dr. John Fishburne, PhD in Wenatchee who declined to do my evaluation because he said he felt he would not be credible as being objective if he sided with me, and who was afraid of losing friends and employment in Wenatchee, said to me, "Yeah, it's kind of interesting how you got "paranoid schitzophrenia" right after being injured in childbirth..." He said, "It's sort of an unheard of (or impossible) 'late onset'".

Yeah, they threw out postpartum depression and saddled me with "Postpartum Schitzophrenia."

I am doing my best with what is thrown at me. So far, it's just a bunch of rotten tomatoes and that doesn't even need a pressure washer for showing what's what.

I just talked to one of my housemates just now and he said no, no one thought I was a substance abuser OR mentally ill. They just thought I needed a job A lot of people need jobs these days. I am unfortunately out of a job at a bad time on top of everything else, in a town with few employment opportunities, where I am blacklisted in many circles.

I just need to get my degree. But thanks Chris! My housemate Chris is the one who said they all know there's nothing wrong with me. He's very supportive. I hope he goes back to college soon, and I think that's what he's doing, because he's very smart and just ended up learning how to drink too early in life. He got a 3.8 GPA coming to school drunk every day, and this is what his best friends say and was in a program for gifted kids who work with computers. He's kind of stuck in this town though and has been passed over for good computer IT jobs because of lack of experience even though they would test him and he often tested ahead of the competitor who got the job. I thought this was strange because at least in bigger cities, it's about skills with computers, not necessarily certificates and professional experience. His parents are military (Navy I think) and he was born in England. He's not citizen of England because he was born on a U.S. military base and didn't apply in time. He's now 22 and just told me he'd help me no matter what, and I'm not involved romantically with any of the housemates. He said he just liked me, sort of believes in me and appreciated all the cleaning. I like him too, in a very sincere way.

When I heard these guys talking I started to think, "I think men are misunderstood." The way men negotiate with one another is more sensitive than how women will. Men are really more emotional or sensitive than most think. I mean, it's a lot of slapping on the back, but they know the mallet doesn't work and how to use the velvet hammer and listen to and show respect for one another. They're very careful with one another's egos.

I spent time with the little girl I tutored. We were going to go out and I was going to time her running and film her, with her mom's consent. But there was no track around and then I noticed, it was a hot day, but she kept having to stop and sit every 5 minutes. Way more than I would, or any of the other kids who saw us and began to tag along. She told me she had a tent to rest in, at school, after she played soccer. Yet she had to quit playing a lot even though she is a top soccer player. I finally got the idea and said, "Have you ever had asthma?" She said yes, she did when she was "a baby" and said she had an inhaler until she was about 5 years old. She's now 9 and doesn't use an inhaler. I asked her if she thought she had problems breathing now and she said yes. I asked if she wanted to rest because it was hot, she was physically tired, or out of breath. She said out of breath. I asked if she noticed this in cold weather, in the winter and she said yes. I asked if it was worse in cold weather or hot weather and she thought "cold weather." I asked if she had any pain anywhere when she wanted to rest and she said yes and pointed to her chest. I asked if any of her teachers or anyone at school ever asked her about this and she said no. I asked her if she found it easier to breathe through her nose or her mouth when she wanted to rest and she said, it was easier to breathe through her mouth. I then asked her to take deep breaths in and out and once it sounded sort of raspy but then pretty normal. She doesn't "sound" like she has asthma, but I still think she could have it or some variation of it. Either that, or she may have a weak heart or some breathing related issue.

I went back and we talked to her mom and yet her mom was really unreceptive. She said it was just hot outside and she knew her own daughter and nothing was wrong. I don't know why she didn't want to consider this might be a problem. She has insurance, as far as I know and I think it would cover an inhaler or diagnostics. I don't think it's normal for this otherwise healthy and highly energetic little girl to want to take so many breaks all the time.

I started thinking I would probably be a good doctor but I just don't want to do it. I would enjoy listening to people, asking questions, and trying to figure things out, but I don't have the math or lab mind. I'm more of an analyzer and research type or someone who is curious and likes to ask questions. But I would like to do something that helps others and put my mind to good use. I've had a lot of people say creative writing lately and I want to do this but I think I may be able to help more people directly as a lawyer or, if I weren't bad at labs, doctor, or something. After burning all my bridges, I know I would actually be a very good investigator. I still have my own things I want to investigate though and write articles or books about.

Well, I don't know how to be anything but me. And as long as I'm not going overboard with self revelations or losing dignity by trying to justify or answer for things I don't need to speak to, I think I'm fine.

I am a mature woman who has been successful in life, and who has a lot going for her, who has a lot of innate potential and who also has challenges to overcome. I don't need to doubt myself. I need to hear wisdom and good advice and do some restructuring of my life and I have faults which need fixing. I am just like everyone else. I am different, but I am the same, and I am no better and no worse, unless I should stoop by lowering standards which I should be raising even higher.

When I hear this song "Don't You Forget About Me" by Simple Minds, I see a man dancing by himself in a small empty ballroom in a house. Marble floors and it's all dark with a blue twilight or early dawn.

I had someone recently tell me they thought others were trying to get me to doubt myself and think I was going crazy. Like, start feeling like "am I going crazy?" or did I intuit or see and hear what I thought. I said yes, but I was used to that as it's gone on for some time, an individual now and then doing things like stealing my clothes and then putting them back or saying odd things or doing something which appeared to be symbolic, or telling me I heard something different than what I did. I've had people do this, and I remember the first time I was ever followed or stalked, and it was so new to me I really did question myself. But I don't anymore. It first began when I was in litigation or questioning things about a church, but I couldn't imagine why. Then I had repeated car vandalisms and realized this was all part of the same thing. Intimidation, harassment, and an attempt to find out what I was up to and psych me out by trying to get me to doubt myself. I did! at first, and then I ended up being right one too many times. I very rarely doubt myself, in THIS way, anymore. I never doubt my impressions as they've too often been right. I have only been lately doubting how to CONVINCE OTHERS of what I know and how to help others to believe in me and see what the truth is. Sometimes even this is unnecessary.

However, what I write about and go through, though not everyone goes through this, is something some will relate to.

I am rising and I am working on not just holding that standard level, but in raising it higher! I hope what I write here will help someone else too.