Living in the Orchard

Prolific!

It's been a month since I posted.

This morning I woke with FAFSA on my mind. I need to finish my degree--wait, want to--and continue with school. I found handouts from a former class on international communication which I would like to take again--about high-context/low-context societies and the different cultural norms.

Is America my country? You can't choose whom you're born to but one does choose their friends and lover. I was born in the States, but is this where my heart is? I have been taking a logical approach to discover where it is that I may fit in best. Not that I want to live where everyone is like me, but at least where I am tolerated and my opinions and values are valued. I am low-context to the extreme (German) in risk-taking, and in being inclusive of strangers, but I am high-context in some matters regarding family. I identify with the the Japanese and Hispanic/Latino cultures in their parenting philosophies (my son co-sleeps with me and this is common in Japan until age 6 or 7).

In some ways, I believe, America is strong and symbolic for freedom. America has been so inclusive of immigrants it's no longer a shame to speak of "America" rather than "the States". To be an American (though it should also include Latin America) defies definition in some ways. Then, I feel America is a sham...an illusory figment of great imaginations, where what is written and laws that are passed for the good of democracy are trampled in real-time, where capitalism in its infancy gave anyone and everyone equal opportunities, now in it's adolecensce, rewards the greedy and continues to separate the poor from the rich. The rich are getting richer and because of those who are in power, it is nearly impossible for someone to gain ground...America is becoming a plutocracy if it is not already. So is this where I want my son to grow up? Is this where he will best be served and nurtured and his contributions valued?

I may be romantic but I am also practical. Why are so many women single in a given town? I do not make general guesses but first look at a basic fact: male/female ratio. For all of the "it was love at first sight" and "there is someone for everyone" this is simply not true. Being romantic and having faith and hope does not change statistics or probabilities. There are facts. It is a fact that because of China's disproportionate male/female ratio, all the men who may want to have a partner or marry will be able to do so unless they advertise outside of their country. People have choices, and options, but choice doesn't supercede opportunity. With romance or happiness in any given country, there are cultural structs and norms and facts to consider. It's a lotto, but with research you can maximize success.

One small thing I am very happy about, is the random assignment of an excellent new phone number. It is: xxo-xoxo. It uses just 2 numbers in an easy to remember pattern.

We moved recently. Now we are in what I would call "a cabin" in an orchard with access to the river. I created a pool for my son by arranging a little rock wall to enclose water near the shore. It's far too rocky there to be much fun, but we cool off and collect rocks. I've become a kid again; yesterday I took a bucket down and collected a bunch of stones I liked. I'm 33 years old (soon enough), and rock-collecting. I don't know what kind they are: marble? granite? they look like polished agates under the water, or when wet, but are dull when dry. I was thinking they would make a cool table surface if you could put them together and then shear the top so it is a flat surface and polish it. They would also make a pretty coblestone path, especially when it rained. I don't know why I'm saving them, but I am. My son enjoys picking up any old rock and throwing it into the water. I take him down to the river by red Flyer wagon. He loves it. He has a serious expression on his face while getting a ride (granny calls it his "thrill ride") but then when he's out he's patting the side of the wagon to get in for another ride. We walk through the cool wafts in the orchard, down a dirt road that becomes black with mud and sprays onto my calves with each step, through a small bramble, to the shore. When I'm not singing "Down to the River" to my son, and dancing out the moves as we walk for his entertainment, I'm thinking about, what else?!, Paris Hilton and Britney Spears.

Is it not pathetic. I'm living like a Thoreau (or, Kerouc--oops! don't tell CPS!) near Golden Pond, isolate and serene in nature with my innocent son, and I too am consumed with thoughts about celebrity. When I see a helicopter flying over the property I think, "thank God I'm not an heiress".

Actually, what fascinates me most about following the pair, and the media, is what it says about society and our culture. When I see headlines like: "Girls gone wild" and how they are "troubled" and see Spears forced into rehab and Hilton jailed, I see a double-standard. If these women were men, no one would take note. A man may party, shave his head, and be a reckless driver, and change his attitude and lifestyle a number of times and no one thinks he is "unstable" or "troubled". They think "boys will be boys". I realize how behind we still are, as a society, when women cannot enjoy the same "behavioral" privileges that men take for granted, and yet when they do ask for help or need protection after sexual assault, they know the state (police and society) will punish them for speaking up.

I am a feminist! And where are they anyway? I don't hear any of them speaking about these things. All I hear about is the abortion rant. There are some fundamental problems that need to be fixed that are ignored for a narrow and specific issue...an issue I won't get into other than to say I'm opposed to abortion myself because while I support women's rights and equality, and choice, the choice for me ends when it infringes on another's choice or rights, that of the specific fetus/infant to live. I saw the ultrasound of my son at 11 weeks and at 18 weeks. I saw him sucking his left thumb at 11 weeks (the same one he uses now) and I do not believe in primitive "reflexes". I don't underestimate the intelligence of my son now, at one year, and I wouldn't when he was smaller either. Does being smaller mean something is less intelligent?

At any rate, so many feminists are fixated on abortion, but ignore paternalism in matters that affect women every day of their lives. Such as, what is appropriate for men is still not "appropriate" for women and is seen as deviant.

My son is now up. I'm having Perrier and cheese for breakfast and gave him a hunk of cheese. He's watching a program now. I'll be making eggs and toast in a few minutes.