Monday, November 30, 2009

Copy Of Request To PD

Appeal Of Last Orders For Oliver Garrett‏
From: cam huegenot (
Sent: Mon 11/30/09 3:08 PM

Hello Justin,

You probably know, I feel the last hearing went really wrong.

I would like to appeal the following:

1. Refusal to have an independent psych eval done. I would like to have an order made to explain the reasons it's necessary.

2. I need a motion in the court file, formally requesting audio recording to be done, because I have no way of keeping the record straight without it and claims that I have or am harassing the monitor are lies. There is no need for a security guard, and having audio recording would prove this.

3. My son has repeatedly requested increased visitation. An order for increased visitation. It is wrong to suggest my son "might" see me more, "in a few weeks..." if I comply. In a few weeks would drag this out to the next hearing, where, after seeing my head exam is normal, they would refuse further vistation, claiming I have to be "medicated" first. My son wants increased visitation NOW and the expense of the guard is unnecessary and can be proven if I am able to audio record what my OWN "behavior" is like. They have not met their burden of proof that this is necessary, a guard, and they purposefully have attempted to obstruct justice by keeping me from audio recording.

4. Unresolved questions about payment. I cannot comply with the request for a head exam when I am not "disabled mentally" and do not wish to go on GAU which is "crazy pay" when it will dirrectly screw up my unemployment. No one even described "how" this would be paid for and the state already told me I had to apply for GAU because I was "qualified" through the mental eval. Because this evaluation is so wrong, I have a right to an independent psychological evaluation.

5. I believe my son needs an MRI, as I've always said he does, because he is now old enough and has been vocalizing suffering which he said hurts his head and eyes. He has been complaining about his eyes, and one in particular, for 4 months or more and it seems to be getting worse. He's lost weight, and his appetite isn't great lately. He will suddenly feel this pain out of the blue, while I'm reading to him or we're playing. He says he has pain at night.

Not only that, it is a fact that my son had a head injury at birth, which docs here claimed was just a small bruise. It was more than a small bruise. Not only that, he also was diagnosed with "bilateral choroid cysts" in the brain, on ultrasound, and this requires a follow up exam and it was NEVER done. One unilateral cyst is normal and almost always goes away, but research has shown when there are bilateral cysts, there is more concern that one could grow into a tumor or larger cyst.

Because of my son's medical history, combined with his recent complaints, he needs to be evaluated properly, as I've been requesting before he could speak up for himself about his own suffering and needs.

I want an order to go out, requiring that my son be evaluated outside of this area, at a specialized hosptial for children. Children's, probably, in Seattle. He needs to have an MRI done to find out what the cause of his suffering is, and to rule out cysts or problems from his birth which may have affected his speech and may be causing his suffering now.

If the state will not do this, when my son has been making these complaints of his own accord, there is something seriously wrong here.

6. My mother and father would like to have a copy of Krebs' evaluation sent to them via scan and email. I made a release of information which is tucked in behind the sign taped to the back door to your offices.



Questions To Medical Organization About Son's Complaints

FW: Questions About 3 Year Old‏
From: cam huegenot (
Sent: Mon 11/30/09 1:07 PM
Additional information:

My son has also had a fever off and on, which seems to be gone now, but went up to 104 degrees for a few days. He has been ill with fever and normal colds, in addition to head and eye pain (which has been for months) for the last 3-4 weeks.

I would apreciate knowing what a doctor's recommendations might be.

Thanks again.


Subject: Questions About 3 Year Old
Date: Mon, 30 Nov 2009 13:04:18 -0800

Hello, I'm a mother whose 3 year old is complaining about the following:

1. "I have something in my eye" (repeatedly, and pulls at his eye like there is a pain and then tears up. Other times, says his eyes hurt in general.

2. Says he has bad pain in his eyes (head?) at night, while lying down.

3. Had bilateral choroid cysts in his brain detected on ultrasound, which were never followed up on, as recommended.

4. Smell of vomit on his breath when he burps.

5. Complaints of headache.

6. Losing weight and inconsistent appetite.

7. Dark circles under his eyes.

8. Head trauma at birth, on head, on side or area where speech is affected.

9. Speech problems, after accelerated development and speech, a sudden deficit and attemts to speak still, but garbled. Still has some speech issues.

I would like to know what might be recommended when my son is complaining of these things.

Thank you,

Cameo Garrett

Copy of My Email to State & AG About Oliver's Health

At bare minimum, given the facts of my son's medical history, which were partially moitted in court, combined with my son's own reports of suffering and pain, an MRI of my son's head is warranted, to help find out the cause of his speech difficulties, and pain. If the state does not now schedule and recommend that this be done, there is a very very serious risk to not only my son's health, potentially, but to their own reputation and liability. The monitor has heard my son say the same things and my aunt has agreed about my son's present health. And the medical records are still there. Stop blaming a good mom for having a "mental illness" and start focusing on the children.

My Son's Medical Complaints Vocalized‏
From: cam huegenot (
Sent: Mon 11/30/09 12:29 PM
To: mom dad (;; Michelle K. (DSHS/CA) Erickson (;

Please pass this note onto AG Anne McIntosh.

Your state lawyers and AGs may want to look into something before liability is worse.

Please read my latest post about my son's repeated complaints of pain, headache, and eyes hurting, and how he's been losing weight and sick, with temperatures.

Please then find the comments I made long ago about the fact that he had a head injury at birth and also that the lactation consultants felt he was suffering from headache and illness, and the fact too, that my son had bilateral choroid cysts on ultrasound, in his brain, and this is supposed to be followed up on, and it never was.

Now my son is making his own health complaints, and I have NEVER suggested any of this to him.

You may want to think very carefully about how you continue to proceed in this case and with regard to my son's medical care.

Cameo Garrett
The Mother

My Visit With My Son--Horses

This is the spot where I'll write about visit details aside from his eyes hurting (and usually it's one side in particular), because I already wrote about that in the last post.

Listening to Taylor Swift's "You Belong With Me."

My son again told me he wanted to stay with me, and said he didn't want to go back to Holly's. I could see the monitor writing so I think she did write this down. He is desperate to be with his mother and then he started to look like he was tearing up, about to cry, and then said he had something in his eye, and then said at night he had all this pain and his eyes hurt and he was very "scared" and he just closed his eyes tight and tried to forget it and sleep.

He wants to be with his mother, and it's not because I'm nuts. My son knows what nuts is and he knows his mother is the one who meets his needs best. Okay, back to factual details, from the first of the visit to the end...

Oh, and for the record, I supported the Avila's and said I knew he loved them very much and wanted to spend time with them, and he nodded, but that I understood how he wanted to be with me and I felt the very same way.
We got into the room and I thought he seemed okay, speech-wise, and he was happy to see me. He was a little tired, but otherwise, in good spirits. If my son doesn't have a tumor or other issue, he could be having migraines, though I've never heard of it this young in kids, and it seems to pop up out of nowhere. He will just suddenly comment that he has something in his eye. I don't know if it's to cover up wanting to cry or if it's something else. It would seem like it's something else but I don't know for sure. He does this at almost every visit though.

So otherwise, it was a great visit. No marks on his body, and he seemed to be in good spirits aside from looking tired, thin, and the circles under his eyes.

He was stuffed up with a cold but that seemed normal.

First he wanted to see what I had and I had brought in a radio and some food and he wanted to see the spread.

Then he wanted to read, pretty much right away. I don't know if someone has been talking to him about horses or something, but today he was all about horses. I mean, more than usual. I don't hear him talking about horses a lot, and I don't bring it up. Today, on his own, he brought up wanting a horse. I gave him three stuffed animals to snuggle with while we read, and he said, "I want a horse." I said, "There is a rabbit, a penguin, and a teddy bear, but I don't see a horse." He kept pointing, "right THERE." I didn't see it and then he pulled it out of the bookcase, and it wasn't a stuffed animal, it was a little book in the shape of a horse on wheels called "Pull-a-Pony" and he wanted to snuggle, initially, and not even read this. I thought it was weird, given I had just had a dream where someone is giving me a horse which I say, in my dream, my son would love.

He wanted to read "Frosty The Snowman" first, and also, Clifford, and one called "The Polite Elephant" (which he thought was odd because the animals were drawn to fit in the bus but they were somehow getting in anyway--"It's too big!" he was saying), the Curious Cat's First Christmas (which he thought was odd because there was no snow in it), and the pony book along with the book about babies.

I have been thinking about babies lately, and wouldn't mind having more, for myself and for my son to enjoy. Of course, it's not possible right now. But I would like to have more children. Oliver is 3 now and I wouldn't mind having another before he's 5 years old. How in the world that would happen I have no idea, but Oliver is very interested in babies right now.

While reading, he was very cuddly and wanted to be very close. First he sat on my lap but then he wanted to lie down "snug as a bug in a rug" wrapped in his blanket with me lying alongside and my arm about, reading to him. I could tell he really enjoyed this and he was in a very bright mood afterwards. He just needed to cuddle for awhile and hear some stories.

Then, he was very contentedly putting tuna salad onto crackers. I've noticed he gets this look on his face, of calm contentment when making things. Whether it's cutting and squeezing lime onto tacos himself, or putting tuna on just right, or, molding play dough into "A John Deere", he likes making use of his hands and either doing things for himself, doing new things, or creating.

We found the play dough and I said I would make a snowman and he said he was going to make "A John Deere" but we both decided to make snowmen. He gave me eyes for the snowman and then he kept going back to the book to see what kinds of things to add to our snowman. He put buttons on and then gave me "gloves" for his hands, which I'd already made. He said frosty needed gloves or his hands would be cold.

It was really cute because he did another thing, demonstrating trying to help and thinking of me. He saw what chair I was sitting on, next to him, at the table, and he said, "mama, you need a different chair!" I said yes, the one I was sitting on was very small.. So he made me get up, he moved my chair out from beneath me and put it to the side, and then he walked over to the other table, took a larger chair out, and dragged it over to me. I just stood there, surprised and pleased and thanked him. I didn't even think about it, and didn't care what chair I was sitting on, but he made sure I had one he thought would be more comfortable for me.

It was so cute. He has been doing this at almost every visit, trying to "help" or look out for me. He's 3! It's really cute when your 3 year old is reversing the roles and being a little caregiver and protector. Very sweet.

I was just sitting there, working on the snowman, and he looked over at me and decided my chair wasn't going to work for me.

I just found this song by Indigo Girls while writing: Fly Away.

I like it.

Anyway, I don't know how the time flew, but the visit didn't take up much and yet time passed quickly. We spent a lot of time in content partial silence, or just cuddling, reading, and then making things. He also wanted to read the Winnie-the-Pooh book and have me sing songs to it a few times.

I asked him if he liked "The Hobbit" and his eyes lit up. He said, "Yes, I like the Hobbit."

At one point he took this giraffe and had me feeding the giraffe and he spoke in a very "low" (for him) voice and I kept having to rescue the giraffe and then Oliver had it "dying" which I didn't like, because it shows he's watched things "die" in cartoons or t.v.

My Son Complains His Eyes Hurt

We had a good visit today, as usual. He said a couple things that concerned me, about pain and his eyes. He's been talking about his eyes hurting or 'something in my eye' for at least 4 months.

Wouldn't it be disastrous if one of my son's bilateral choroid tumors that showed up on ultrasound, and were never followed up on, were worsening?

He constantly talks about something in his eye hurting. HE brings this up,, not me. But he is saying his eyes are hurting at night, and he gets scared so he closes his eyes. Meanwhile, he and his aunt and I notice he's had dark circles under his eyes for awhile.

In particular, he pulls at his right eye and says "I got something in my eye" and his eyes tear up and he'll rub them for a long time. For awhile I was wondering if he just wanted to cry, but someone told him crying wasn't okay, so instead, if he tears up, he says "I got somethingn in my eye" instead. This has happened a few times, where it looks like he's about to cry and then he'll shrug it off, saying "I got something in my eye". He does it a lot. Too often for it to be an eyelash or something. One time he said his eye hurt while we were playing even.

I have never ever, not once, suggested ANYTHING about his eyes. Never. But he brings this all up on his own.

Something needs to be checked out with him, and like I said SO LONG AGO, he should have had an MRI to rule out speech issues from his head injury, rule out development of any of the choroid cysts, and just make sure he's okay. Canada was going to do this, and Wenatchee CPS has stubbornly refused to allow any kind of normal follow up for stuff.

Imagine the liability that will be on the state's hands if they don't start taking things seriously. What if something IS wrong and has continued to develop, and here they've just claimed there are no problems and it gets worse? major, huge, liability. Maybe since they're trying so hard to keep him with people who they know won't sue, they don't care. My son could even die or be disabled and they know no one would look out for like his mother. Maybe keeping evidence of some kind of head issue is part of this whole thing, to claim he didn't suffer at birth and that there was no "choroid cyst" issue they "forgot" to follow up on.

My son is repeatedly saying there is something in his eye, and that his eyes hurt, and he's particularly scared at night while lying down, and he's losing weight. He's been sick on top of it and had 104 degree temps.

Either my son is having some kind of issue at night, or he is having a serious medical issue which should be examined, by people outside of the Wenatchee area, at this point. He should be examined at Children's. But no one will advocate for him like his mother will. Instead, I'm called "paranoid" and a "hypochondriac". If something continues to happen with my son, and it is not investigated medically, there will be a MAJOR, MAJOR, lawsuit. If I am not the guardian, I can still sue for civil action or for negligence and obstruction of justice.

It may be that he's having nightmares and crying a lot and is told not to cry and to pretend he has "something in my eye" but he could also be suffering from some kind of intracranial pressure or something which causes pain in his head and around his eyes.

Not only that, both my aunt and I have noticed his appetite is not stable or consistent. And today, my son burped and it smelled like vomit. I asked him if he'd been throwing up and he didn't seem to know what that was. The monitor said she didn't know of any throwing up but maybe he had sour milk in his stomach.

I am not paranoid, I just want to make sure my son is taken care of, and now he's old enough to express things that are going on, which cause him pain or bother him. I don't put ideas in his head. I tell him, in general, to let me know if something is wrong, but I don't suggest things and try to get him repeat it.

Aside from being thin, and still having a cold, and his eyes bothering him still, we had a very good visit. He had one moment where he reverted to baby behavior, but I noticed it was in play and after I corrected him on something. Oh, no, actually, he wanted to get up and I was trying to move my coffee first and he thought I was just restraining him and he began to act out. He was pretending, but aside from that, our visit went really well and he was happy to be with me and I with him.

I am listening

"The Queen" with Mirren

Watched it last night.

I thought it was pretty good. Interesting at least.

I didn't like the music cho9en for the scene with the motorcycles chasing after Dodi and Di's car in Paris--too circus-like or something.

There were a few moments which seemed slightly overdone or melodramatic. But in all, it was good.

I didn't actually think they were so "cold", the royals, because actually, I can sort of relate. I mean, my own parents, after I was held hostage, said, "Aren't you coming to the BBQ later? I mean, the danger has passed and everything is fine now, isn't it?" So I know what reservation is like.

It wasn't wrong they wanted a private ceremony but it was right they came out after all that attention. I felt sorry for the Queen.

The movie cut out at the part where the giant stag comes in. We couldn't get about 2 or 3 minutes to work.

The one thing I disagree with, is that I do not believe those boys should have had to walk along in the funeral procession.

I think everything else was right, but if it were ever an issue again, I think everyone should respect the rights of children and young teens, to mourn for their parents in private. They shouldn't have had to go out there. Some of what they were made to do may have been good for closure, but that part had to be traumatic. I wouldn't want my own son to do that, unless he was almost a grown man and chose this himself.

I don't think the family really wanted this either but it was pretty much recommended. It's the one part I think was wrong.

Sunday, November 29, 2009

Wheelchair Dream

I don't want to worry anyone so I thought I'd define what my image was, and that I don't believe it's the guy in the military from Wenatchee.

I had the impression it was someone I knew personally. Later, I thought perhaps it was me seeing William after his head injury, and I was in the shoes of someone approaching him, but I felt this was imposed or inferred by me when the original impression was different.

The hair seemed longer in the front, like there were bangs. But no face could be seen.

On Queen Elizabeth & Vibe

Today I woke up feeling great, very calm and strong ebb of energy, but later in the day or early evening, it went sad. Felt pretty good until about 3 P.M. today and then it changed a little. Not terrible like before though. Still, I detect some of it as emanating from plans to just try to screw me over here.

Last night, I and my housemate woke at 2 minutes to 3 A.M. by an electrical disturbance or something that caused one. I don't know why HE would wake up though. He was in the other room where it was dark and I was in a separate room where the lights and computer were still on. At that moment he and I both woke up, the computer light got brighter for a minute or something and then it shut off. I looked up at the time and it was 2 minutes to 3 A.M. It was odd that he woke up, because he wouldn't have even noticed the change in electricity or computer stuff.

I had my dream later, after this. I don't feel the woman in the dream, which was me, was maybe me. I think it was someone else. At any rate, I "was" this person, in my dream. I want to describe the surroundings better. I thought, after waking, it was something infused with Princess Di since I know she liked polka dots at some point, but I don't know. I actually think it may have been someone else. But, this was a dream that I felt wasn't meaningful but embodied different parts of time and reality. Some of it was me and some of it wasn't.

It was me going into the Post Pub, until I walked in the door and then, although some of the old people were there, a lot of strangers were there. They were all lined up against the wall in folding chairs, and the room was circular or in a semi-circle at least. Bright light, and well lit. I walked from the entrance, which was to the right, through the line, moving to the left as I shook hands.

Then I got to this disabled woman who was an artist. She had a pencil, and sketched out, with the pencil between her third middle finger and thumb, this amazing design, very quick work. It was a design, like a symbol or something, but it wasn't a picture of anything real. It was a design, in pure form. I think maybe she was missing a finger but it may have been her other fingers were gnarled and just didn't work. So then, the design which I had thought was on paper, was suddenly on a ribbon, which was being tied around a horse tail on a figurine. But it wasn't a china figurine, it was like a plastic type of toy horse. The horse was a medium sable color with a slightly lighter, honey tail. I forget what that combination is called. It wasn't an Arabian. The head wasn't that fine boned. It was about the size of a football but of course not filled out like a football, but the basic circumference was football sized, or smaller. Okay, about two hands large or smaller. So a little smaller. I haven't seen a horse toy like this at anytime recently. But I thanked the woman for giving it to me and said, "My son will love this." She asked how old he was and I said, "3 years old."

Then, I moved past to shake other hands and hug, and then there were two young tall men who arrived and I hugged them both at the same time, almost knocking their heads together, one in each arm, around the neck, and then they called in more men and they were about to hoist me above their heads and sing "Jolly Good Fellow".

I woke and told my housemate, "I think I need to read about Diana less." I told him, "You see, my subconscious already knows she was a fan of polka dot, even if I don't know what kind, and then I have this dream where I'm shaking hands in polka dot...and I think it's a mixture of Di and my life." I told him I hadn't even read very much about her, but as I progressed, the small things were what freaked me out most. I keep finding very strange, small, similarities and that's what opens my eyes. Like, I told him, when I read her most used or favored medication was Valium. I thought, "How weird. That's the only one I'd go for, and only on rare occasion." I mean, I don't know that everything I read is true, but I read this about Valium and thought, of all things. And it's small, but there are so many things, and maybe others already knew, but I'm just finding out more.

I told him already I dropped my idea of "investigating" her "case". I think of her as a mentor now, and feel an emotional connection, but I am now aware of the dangers. I know why others don't want to do it either. It's best left alone.

However, I feel this uncanny emotional chord when I sometimes read something or see a photo. I get tears in my eyes. The first time I looked at photos of her and Charles with their kids, I had to keep from crying. There were a couple in particular which tugged at my heart. Then, just tonight, I wonder what the hell is wrong with me, and if I'm sensing or have an odd empathy, because I almost started to cry when I read the back of the movie, "The Queen" with Helen Mirren. Why? At that moment, I actually felt something for the Queen, I thought.

I was in the aisle where all the psychic books are, trying to find something on "parallelism" but there was nothing. I ran into a man and his wife who are very psychic and interested and I'm so happy we exchanged info. But he was saying it sounded like what I was feeling, was "empathy". Out of the blue, his wife asked me if I'd seen the movie "The Queen" with Helen Mirren. I've not seen it. I haven't seen hardly any movies about English things actually. This is one I did want to see, a year ago but then forgot about it. So we got it tonight. I went to the aisle and read the back and teared up. I feel, yes, like a nut. But something feels sincere and I'm really not the stalking-fan-type. In a way, I don't know...

A LOT of these royals have died in mysterious accidents. Maybe I'm feeling new empathy for this. That possibly, jealousy is that powerful of a motivator, to actually kill. Di was an activist, so I think that's where it went wrong, but I just heard, just recently, that Grace died in an auto accident and then, of all things, this morning, I had the phrase "George" come to mind. I then thought "King George". I have never known anything about a King George.

I dont' know. Everything in my life is ironic and so upside down at the same time. I am relating, in empathy, to any family who seems to have more than its share of members "killed off" or "die under mysterious accidents". I don't care what family. And no, I'm not a total WASP. I'm proud of my Native Am. ancestry and I love the fact that my son is half Mexican and I celebrate and love that culture, and the culture of Latin America. I understand, especially, the way the Italians and Latins raise kids, in general...actually, I think Asians are a little more along my lines of parenting too, and I like learning more.

But for whatever reason, I am on such a strange trajectory.

I said, "Lets get a bottle of wine." We got Shiraz. To go with spaghetti. And I am also thinking about another family of, probably, true thoroughbreds, and wish them well because something is difficult right now. I don't know what, but best of luck to us all.

There are haters out there!

How can I be "one of you" in Wenatchee? I try so hard. I try so hard, but I need my independence too, and only want my son. I am sure it's hard to imagine a single mother like me should be safe and I know there is hatred and grudges, but this is what my son wants, and it won't profit anyone, in your heart, to try to take him from me. Perhaps there is an incentive, but it will not feed your soul. It will only bring misery to intentionally thwart a young boy's desires.

Anyway! I will let you know what I think about the movie when we've finished! I don't know anything about Elizabeth, EXCEPT, the part I've read and loved, is the "rude" comment she made, to which her mother replied, "And we will see to it that she learns how to be..." I can't remember exactly but it was very cute and showed the intelligence and spirit of Elizabeth so young.

Met Former Nuclear Project Guy

I met a man who looks very homeless, and I guess he IS, but there doesn't seem to be anything wrong with him mentally. He's on physical and mental disability but there wasn't anything wrong with his mind, from what I could tell. Not only that, he was much more interesting to talk to, than a lot of people. When he shook my hand, I noticed he extended his left one, but when I brought it up to him, he said no, his other one was just occupied.

He had once been selected for a special team, he said, when he was in the military, that dealt with nuclear stuff, but also, he later found out, he was selected for what they believed to be psi abilities (psychic abilities or intuition).

And for anyone who is a doubter, look up "remote viewing" on wiki and you will find an explanation for world-wide government interest in psychic abilities.

He fully understood what I was describing when I talked about sensing "energies" and sometimes feeling more shifts and other times, not, but knowing it has nothing to do with my "mood".

I also described to him the young man in the wheelchair and how I saw this "image" and wondered what it was about. He brought up the term "paralleling" and I asked what that is.

I had never heard the word "paralleling" and I tried to look it up online but can't find it. SO, I'm going to do a little research today and try to find out.

This man was extremely knowledgeable. Highly intelligent too. We talked about everything from psi and different countries that use it, to the state of CPS and certain organizations, to the economy, to Princess Di (lol, of course). I was surprised with his familiarity about Di, and I think, when I was praising Harry, he wanted to speak up for WILLIAM! I told him I had been so shocked when I found out, or realized, how smart Di had been. I told him it first struck me when I saw her handwriting. I stared, dumbfounded, and said to him, "It was like a big secret and all these people were trying to say she was a dumb blond!" and he said, "Oh yeah, 'they' knew she was very intelligent and that's part of the reason she was chosen." I said "Yes they say intelligence is inherited through the mother and both William and Harry are very witty and when I saw this clip of him moving so fast on all fours, you know how motors skills and intelligence can have a correlation, and I knew." Anyway, this guy knew what I was talking about. We talked on about things and I won't go into details but we talked for awhile about it. I had been about to say I thought Harry was kind of a 'maverick' and he seemed to think maybe the other one was or was going to disagree and then I went on to talk about William. I told him I thought there was going to be an Edward-the-Abdicator, but I didn't know if it was Charles, Henry, or William. So we just had fun talking about all kinds of things.

I have to look up paralleling today though.

He had a lot to say about Russia's use of psychics and how they would pick people out and they wouldn't really have a choice, if they were gifted this way, they were going into military or to be a government worker and pressure was put on families if they didn't go along.

I can't imagine the use of psychic ability is anything to depend upon. I mean, I know that I wouldn't trust my own abilities more than logic and taking a normal careful course. If I find out it means something, I'm always surprised, and sometimes I "know" something, but it's not very much.

This guy was saying that with paralleling, you can even "feel" energies or vibes or the moods of others, even if it's from a distance, and you pick up on other things too. So I want to find out what it is.

Today I have to finish my list of attempts to find work. I have to line other things up as well. But I need to put my exhaustive list of all my job-search effort, into a list and then make sure it fits what documentation I have, and then prepare this for unemployment, because all that time I was looking I can get back-pay for it.

Dream Last Night

I had a very long, insignificant dream where I know it was strictly subconscious thoughts and it didn't feel like it had any real meaning.

At first I was living with a housemate and then we were catching a train and then the next thing I knew I was going to have a drink with 2 women, at the Post Pub for the first time since working there.

It was very light and brights and had windows all around but there were fewer people and they were all in chairs against the walls and the building was more round. I shook hands with everyone, walking around this circle, and remembered people, and I was wearing a dress I don't have and which wouldn't be my style either, but it was a black dress with white polka-dots and I think it had a belt about the waist and the skirt was mid-calf and flowing. I wore black heels.

I came to this one woman and she wanted to give me a gift and drew something holding a pencil with her middle finger and thumb because she had some kind of disability to her hand, and then she made this on a ribbon and tied it around a toy horse figure's tail. I thanked her for the present.

As she was tying this around the tail, someone asked where Chris was and he wasn't going to be there because he was taking some international law class.

Some other guys came in and hugged me and then hoisted me up singing "for she's a jolly good fellow."

Then I woke up.

Why I would be a jolly good fellow doesn't make sense. I don't really feel like I would go to live in D.C. again unless I had my son with me. My son would like it and I would enjoy showing him things, but I did have some problems in that area later, as well, especially with the circumstances in trying to get proper medical care for my undiagnosed twins.

That was very strange, and very dangerous.

Saturday, November 28, 2009

Shannon B.

Hi Shannon,

Could you send me an email?

Thanks and I'll be in touch with you soon. Hope you're well and moved in.


Thank You To Certain Women

I want to say thank you to certain women who have been looking out for me, wherever I go, from Seattle to Wenatchee, etc. I appreciate it and I've noticed. Men too, but I wanted to give the women credit.

Record Of My Attempt To Find Work In Wenatchee

Places I’ve Applied At, For Work In Wenatchee. This is for my son and parents, more than anything. I went into all of these places in person more than once to ask for work, as a waitress, hostess, or even dishwasher and was told they weren't hiring. I'm just going through a list I have and checking with the phonebook and going down alphabetically, first starting with 'restaurants'. I'm starting with Wenatchee and not really including Leavenworth but including Cashmere where applicable. Now count how many times I went into these places, in person. A couple of times, I checked back by calling, but usually I would go in again and make an attempt to talk to someone in person. I'll start with restaurants and then make my way through all the categories for work. No one can say I haven't "tried". What have I been "doing"? A LOT of walking.


Abbey’s Legendary Pizza (twice)
Applebees (three times)
Applewood Grill (twice)
Arby’s (Wenatchee side)
Barney’s Tavern (cashmere)
Bison Bagels Bakery & Café (two or three times)
Bob’s Classic Brass & Brew (three times)
Brian’s Bulldog Pizza (cashmere, once)
Buzz Inn Steakhouse (once)
Caffe Mela (twice)
Cellar Café (once)
China Buffet (once)
Clearwater (once)
The Coast (twice)
The Cottage Inn (once)
The Country Inn (once)
Cuc Tran Cafe (twice)
Dairy Queen (once)
Denny's (once or twice)
Domino's (pretty sure)
Dusty's (once)
EZ's Burger Deluxe (once)
El Abuelo (once)
Godfather's (once)
Golden East (twice)
Hart's British Fish & Chips (two or three times)
Jeeper's (once or twice)
Joe's Log Cabin (once)
KatzenJammers (once)
La Fuente (once)
Lemolo (three times)
Leonardo's (once I believe)
McGlinn's (two or three times)
Mission Street Bistro (once)
Mongolian BBQ (once or twice)
Prospector Pies(three times)
Quizno's (once)
Red Lion (once)
Red Robin (twice)

hahaha (oh, sorry, it's not a restaurant, I just had to laugh at this point before I continue to list. Someday, it will truly be hilarious, but right now, I can spare an honest laugh.)

Royal Palace Chinese & American Restaurant (once)
Royal Fork Buffet (once)
Sassy's Diner (twice)
Shaktis (twice)
Shari's (once)
Sharx (twice...well, the second time they might have hired me but they were looking then for a DJ for "guppie racing" where I would be the host for people who are prodding little guppies (fish) down tracks like horse racing. I had to pass. I felt sorry for the fish. It was like animal cruelty to me...gulp. I think fish have FEELINGS! Yes, I eat fish, but I don't want people poking them. Besides, it was only PT work and what was I going to say? "And now folks! We've got Sarge coming out of gate number NINE! With Heathrow in a close second..." I asked if I could drink on the job and they said yes but I thought, "No, not even drunk. I can't do it". How would it improve my resume? "Guppy Race DJ". Sure, sure.)
Skipper's (once or twice)
Smitty's Pancake House (once)
Smokeblossom (once)
Taco Loco (once)
Taco Del Mar (once)
Tastebuds (once or twice)
Tequila's (twice)
The Thai Restaurant (twice)
Trav's (once)
The Wild Huckleberry (twice)
The Windmill (once)

Hhahahaa. Sorry, can't help but see the hilarity again.

Ummm, okay, who else!

Well, that's it, for now, for restaurants. And I checked with my last place of employment, on the East Coast and he told me not ONE person had even called about my references. He said, out of all these applications I turned in, not just for restaurant work, NO ONE botherred to even call. So all my apps were just round-filed immediately with no one even looking into my background.

So I'll add to that list, but I should move to office work now. Hmm, actually I'll have to go back to my email sent box and pull up business and things that I sent a resume out to.

So anyway, I have been literally pounding the pavement (next time, with my fist!)


Mother's Bingo (I actually wanted this job. I thought it would be hilarious. To call out bingo numbers to all the little old ladies. The guy who was giving me a referral looked at me sharply. "Um, you probably don't want to joke around. They take it VERY seriously." Next time I walked by cautiously, peering in through the windows. He was right. I was thinking they might like someone to liven it up a bit, but NO, I think they'd string me out on a laundry line or stab me with their knitting needles.)

About Oliver Today

I called again to see how he was doing, and to ask if they would keep me more informed about his interests and acitivies so I'm not in the dark and wondering all the time.

So Holly said she would try.

I asked about his eating and she said he's eating well right now. She has noticed his circles under his eyes too and said some days he eats well and other days he doesn't. So I asked her to start keeping track of which days, because usually my son will eat if he's feeling well and is happy, but he won't if he's depressed or feeling traumatized in some way. So I asked her to keep track for me. I hope she will, for me and for my son. A child's eating behavior shouldn't really change THAT much from day to day, unless something is sometimes wrong and then sometimes right.

I said I wanted to know if it happened more when he is at daycare or not. She said his daycare is fine and I said I am glad he gets to play with kids, but I have called over there before and heard him SCREAMING bloody murder at the top of his lungs and sobbing hysterically. Just sobbing like his heart would break, and sounding afraid. She said, yes he does that sometimes. I said he never did this with me where I couldn't comfort him. Then I asked her not to sound so disagreeable in front of him. She said he was eating and not paying attention and didn't know who was on the other end. I said it was just the tone I didn't want him to hear because he'd know she was upset, and then I added, he listens in when he's eating. He doesn't go on deaf just because he's eating. She said he's only 3 and I said he was very smart for 3 and I know he listens in on things and it affects him.

So we tried to get back to just discussing things and I felt she tried, as I did, to think about what might be helpful in the future. I don't think Holly knows how her tone sounds most of the time, or doesn't think it affects my son.

But then I heard Oliver scream, I thought, for "Mommy!" and then Holly said he was screaming at her, for "Holly", and then I heard him say "stop!" over and over and she said it was because she was wagging her finger at him for telling him not to play with his food. I thought he sounded afraid, but then that's when I said, if she would fill me in more, on what he's doing and where he's going and that sort of thing, it would actually help me because I wouldn't have to wonder all the time.

I have been getting absolutely zero information or updates on my son at all. I don't even know when he's having a 104 temp or not, so I said I might not sound so inquisitive if I were not kept in the dark about everything so that I had to ask.

So, it ended well, I felt, because Holly said she would try to do this. And I appreciate it! I think I should KNOW what's going on with my son! And, I think they're doing a good job but I'm very intuitive about him and can help with advice and ideas to help not just him, but them, because I know how he ticks.

I honestly think they're doing a good job or not treating him that much differently than their own kids, maybe, but I don't always know what's going on and what is also, well, I think a very big issue is how VASTLY different my parenting style is with some of those in my family. It's just a very very different idea of how to raise kids and I feel this has had an effect on him. It's not that their way is "bad" but it's different, and different ideas work with different kids. Not all kids are exactly the same, but I also do know a great deal about child development and child psychology, as well as knowing my own son, so this helps me in assessing what his needs are or what's troubling him or what might challenge and excite him.

I felt, last night, maybe I couldn't get anywhere anymore with my mom's side, but I feel maybe it's possible, if I can discuss things with my aunt and she's agreeable and Pablo's been fine too. So, maybe it's possible we can all work together.

I told my neighbor last night, about how he said, nodding, "I need to save some boys from a fire!" very seriously. It was SO cute. And then I keep thinking about how he put that gummi bear in his mouth and didn't "eat it" and then spit it out for me with this huge grin. Cracks me up.

I need everyone to work with me on getting Oliver what he wants back. I need the Avilas and the Bairds to work with me and Oliver and be encouraging and positive and to fill me in on more, not so I can criticize more but less and add helpful tips. I need the Garretts to jump in and help as well. I need everybody.

Encouragement For Career Changing

Today I've had a couple of nice words of encouragement for working on my writing and artistic endeavors. They said, "That's why you're poor!" and I said, laughing, "Yeah, it's a good excuse!" "The Starving Artist". I asked the man what if he was doing what he loved, because they encouraged me to do what "you love" and the "money will follow". I said I wanted to write a book but I felt afraid to do it. I want to write something funny but I feel a little dried up and I have, my main writer's block, is that I don't know how to work on it without feel someone will be able to see my work in progress. With painting, I don't mind if anyone sees a work in progress, and with journaling, I seem to have no fear. But when it comes to an actual project or book, I feel self conscious and embarrassed to try to construct all the parts and I don't want anyone to see the mess until it's a finished work.

I've worked on a few things, but give up because it seems so slow and I don't know how to do it. I do need to get a trade job for sure, I think even, a "career" of some kind, but I LOVE the arts! My first love, for careers, if I could anything, would be helping people in some way and also being involved in the arts.

So someone suggested putting it on a memory stick and I thought that was a good idea because I could use different computers and didn't have to store anything on one computer.

If I had a little more money, I'd get an electric typewriter and use old ribbon but I can't even afford THAT right now.

But I wanted to write about an inspiring thing I heard just recently, about this man who went back to college, or went for the first time, at age 56, and finally did what he always wanted to do: teach!

So it helped me not to feel so old and to remember that people make career changes and they also start something totally new as well.

Image Of Young Blond Man In Wheelchair I wanted to hear Susan Boyle today. It was just listed under youtube and I clicked on it. I had to brush away tears. I love this clip. So fantastic.

I started feeling a little bit better last night but half and half before I fell asleep and then this morning I woke up sad. Yesterday morning I woke up even so early, very strong, but this morning I felt slightly sad. Maybe because yesterday the sun was out and this morning it's overcast. Who knows. But it's passing and I'm getting on with my day.

I had a fleeting image, last night, right before I fell asleep. It came to me with zero provocation. It was a young man with blond hair in a wheelchair. He was putting his hands to his face, in a cupped manner. He was in a hospital I think, being wheeled down a hall. I saw this clearly and it was totally random and I had not seen even one thing prior to stir my subconscious. It wasn't subconscious, it was something else.

I couldn't see the face but he was going down some kind of hall in a facility of some sort and he was in a wheelchair and just about to cup his face with his hands when the image was then just gone.

I tried to get it back. I even prayed that God would show me more, but that's all I saw. As usual, I couldn't see a face.

He was between 20-35 years old. I couldn't tell age but knew he was a younger man. Younger sort of man without a really heavy or extremely stocky build. But I couldn't pick up on anything else or a location or anything. I think I felt a heaviness or sadness associated but mainly, it happened so fast, I couldn't separate my own drab mood from what I saw so fast. It was a snapshot thing. The cupping was like it was cradling the head. But both hands together and raising up to the head, to face, and then the image was gone.

I don't know of anyone in a wheelchair or the hospital, not that I know of. I have no idea if someone is and I couldn't pick up on anything. But I felt horrible yesterday and then I saw this man in an image but the feeling and the image could be unrelated.

I don't know who it is, but I want that person to get better and make a full recovery from whatever it is and I think God does too, or I don't believe I would have had this insight unless it was to share with someone, that God sees and cares.

I know this could fit about a zillion people, but I think there's a reason I saw this. It was at about 1:00 a.m. PST.or a little after.

I don't know if I was seeing something that had happened shortly before, or was real time, or was a premonition, but I have felt most of the images aren't really premonitions but insights to things that have or are happening. But I don't know.

If someone thinks it fits someone they know, I really have no idea if I'd know if it was a match or not, but I'd be interested in hearing about it.

My first impression was that something was wrong with the legs but then I wondered if they were simply sick, and then I wondered if there was a sadness too, in the cupping of the hands, of despair. But I don't know if it was that, or feeling ill and about to cup the face. But that's everything. And I know it is something real, that means something to someone out there. I just don't know who. My very first impression was maybe legs were blown off. Then I questioned this in that same instant and thought someone was just sick. I didn't see anything about a situation or location so I couldn't say.

And no, it wasn't a hallucination. I didn't see something that actually appeared real. It is like having a dream before you're asleep.

It is actually, I discovered recently, very common in people who have some psychic insights. They see something happening right before sleep and government experiments in both US and Russia and other countries, have researched and observed this and have actually conducted research while trying to stimulate this mode of consciousness. They believe it's when you're relaxed, then information flows more easily.

I choose to believe some of this is intuition and then that other times, it is really just a gift from God, to let people know there is a higher power that is real. But I believe both in science and in faith and sometimes I don't know when one thing is one thing and something is another. But I DO pray to God to let me be able to use what I see for good, and for the glory of God and none other.

I feel God's grace is on this man and that others should rally around, protect, and encourage him. I don't know who it is so I don't believe they're more special than anyone else, but for some reason, I saw this.

What I wonder, is if I should just not try to inuit more on my own. Like, just write out what image there is but not try to figure it out unless I really know for sure. Because I don't know. I think the hair was a little longer and not super short. Like, not a crew cut. But I couldn't really see everything very clear. I just saw blond hair and the wheelchair and the cupping of the hands to go to the head and cover the face. He wanted to hold his head in his hands or cover his face or was feeling sick.

Oh, perspective. It was a view where I was someone seeing, or I was seeing, straight down the hall. The young man was in a wheelchair coming towards me as I walked torwards him. I didn't see who was pushing it along. Everything around seemed to be very clean. It wasn't an aerial view, it was more face to face but I didn't see the young man noticing me at all. I saw him like I was invisible or it was a snapshot frame. We didn't make eye contact in this snapshot.

I don't care if a few or even several think it's nuts, I feel it's more important to relay this information for whatever reason. It wasn't a hallucination and it wasn't from my subconcious, that much I know. I would like to meet this person though, or I wish I knew who it was.
I also had a conversation with my Ex last night which went well and I we agreed we cannot be married. We'll continue to talk though. And, he does want me to have full custody of my son in the same way that I want him to have everything he desires in life and to have his daughter.
"American Baby" came on in the cafe and I then replayed on youtube. I haven't listened to Dave Mathrews forever.
If there is anything I can do, to help others, I just want to know what it is.
"Crash Into Me" by Dave Mathews. I like this video and song. When I hear it, I want to dance around with my arms up.
I have a very strong positive vibe and feel a good energy right now. I will have to see what time it is right now. It's about 11:30 a.m. PST. I keep playing the Dave Mathews song "Crash Into Me". I'd forgotten about this song until now. I always see fluid dancing when I hear this. It's so earthy and sensual yet it takes on a higher plane, in a spiritual sense. It has a spiritual quality to it. I feel sort of relieved--the sad vibe has lifted. Hmmm, a half hour later I feel sadness again. It's going to be an on-off day again maybe. Don't ask me why.
Hahah! I heard Cake in the cafe and then I was looking for that old clip that I love, of people in L.A. and I found one from NY which is also cracking me up. Miss Understood. hahah. And when the woman whips her arm around and says, "You know I used to fence?" hahaaa.
I like this clip of Dave Mathews too:, a live version. But I really like the video so much. It reminds me of Frida Kahlo's work or style, sort of that mystical-surrealism, and I love the man in the boat plucking strings, the skeleton goat behind the tree, the geishas racing and tumbling over, the color of the brass on the sax, the women falling about in dance, and the sweep of the skirt in the last frame, where it looks like a giant delicate rose petal fanning out. I wonder what kind of material that skirt is made of? I like it. I like how it photographs or comes across on film. I just keep listening to this song, it's one of the addictive ones.
I called to see how my son was doing and he had been playing with my aunt and uncle I guess for a little while but was watching a movie when I called. I asked which one and they said "The Hobbit". I said to make sure he didn't see any violent parts or anyone dying. They said they tried. I also said, politely, and sincerely, I was calling not to find something out and criticize, but because I'd just like to know more about what my son is doing and what his interests are. It was a good conversation, no problems or anything, with pablo.
I would like to meet this person whose image I saw. I am supportive but I wish I knew for sure who it is. I sort of thought I knew. I sort of did. I thought...But I don't have any info.

I wrote my ex and told him I would like to talk with him and help him figure out his own situation, as a friend. I can't marry though. I have to think about my son at all times and I don't want to be married if only to possibly be separated because of someone else or other circumstances. He understands. I don't want my son to get attached to someone and then be separated. I do want my son back from the Avila's and I'm not satisfied that my son is happy or fine there. He is okay, and I think they want him, but I know what Oliver wants and that even if I'm poor, I am his best provider. There is nothing like mother's intuition. You get to know your own son and want to do everything for him. If I can't get work but prove I've tried, it's not a reason to keep a child from a parent. The only barrier is that if I am a "risk" and I'm not. Being a provider doesn't mean you cannot be on TANF until you're in a better situation, or unemployment. Being a provider means having housing and food, and then able to care for a few other things and seeing to the child's emotional and physical well being.

I suppose I'll go through some of my legal stuff today but I'm just goofing off for now, or I might go through and start showing my Dad how many times I looked for work, so he knows.

And I have to bring my Uncle and Grandma in with me because they know this area well. I've been writing to my Aunt M. and she's so much fun to keep in touch with. She has a lot of wisdom and these little philosophical and spiritual sayings and quotations that she uses.

Next week I have two focuses: housing again, and this time I'm going to ask the agency to really help me out, and then I'm going to line up all my stuff for college to make sure I get some financial aid coming in ASAP. There's unemployment but then I should have college financial aid. I just have to follow through.
I sort of feel the sadness vibe again or like something isn't right at this moment. I felt better earlier. Now it's 2:26 p.m. PST. I've had some great conversations with others so far, and I'm not down at all, but it's an energy thing that's changed. It sounds weird, but I've been right in the past about it, and found out later. So I will wait and find out later what's going on. I think I'll shut up. Because if I don't know what I'm talking about, why the hell am I writing that I don't know what the hell I'm talking about? Maybe if I just have an image or a really distinct vibe I should write about it. I guess I'll look up world current events today.

hahah. Another waste management truck. lol. Everytime I see waste management passing by now, I start to laugh, thinking about my dream where I'm asking the heirs of Buckingham what they do with their waste and if they use public sanitation or 'landfills' on the property. haahaaa! What a crazy dream that was.

It's 3:00 p.m. PST and I feel better again! I felt better after talking to Holly too, and having her say she'd try to fill me in more, about my son.

I am still listening to "Crash Into Me". I would like to paint to this song I think. With the music up really loud. And just paint, on a medium sized canvas, on a sturdy easle, with oils, with windows and natural light to my back, on a gloomy day. Then maybe switch it up with a bright spotlight when it's too dark to use natural light. I could imagine writing to this song, but more, painting. The first time I took up painting, it was to Natalie Merchant. To this song, right now, I would choose a purple, red, white, a little yellow, and green. 2/3 purple, pink, red, orange and green, 1/3 yellow and white. Black for hues in the greens. Or maybe a larger negative space for white. A full quarter of the painting would be white I think. The upper right corner. Maybe larger than medium canvas, so a large brush up to down could be made.

Another one with green and cobalt blue and black. More horizontal lines than vertical.

But maybe it's because now I can hear "In My Place" by Coldplay and it feels more horizontal than vertical. I think music and painting are a great mix. Sometimes I like to paint from an actual idea, but more often, I like to paint from what I feel in the music.

--To paint colors when writing and write poems into a painting. Or music into a painting and to paint colors throught music. Dance too.

I feel very good energy, just thinking about it. I want to paint!

I've smoked a little bit more recently, but it's only to ward off my next impending migraine which will be due fairly soon (I think). Not very much at all, not enough to be addicted again, just to ward off next migraine, maybe. I want to see if I can stay out of the ER if I try to alter the bloodflow and brain stuff before I'm due.

There is this one part of "crash into me" where he says "crassshhhh" into me now...and then there is this very light sort of bells or windcharms tinkling and then fading and it absolutely creates that idea of a large wave coming in and then as the tide goes back out, the sand is sparkling. It sounds like sparkling sand...the way sand glistening with water would sound if it had a sound. You can almost see the sand and this very light white diamond-glistening as the wave recedes back at this particular point. No, not bells, they're chimes I guess. I feel more vertical lines in this song than horizontal ones, but there is that push and pull and ebb and flow throughout the song. I guess the combination of vertical and horizontal creates a space for the dancing that is swirling back and forth and also the falling over and the arms raised. There is one part where the arms do raise all the way to the sky, and then there is also this frame where the female dancer is coming from the left corner and dancing with one arm out and one folded to her breast, as if she is dancing with an imaginary partner. I think the dancing in this one is spot-on. The movement is perfect, even to the editing. There is so much movement in this song, even though it's constant and doesn't change, it's sort of a meditative song. I think this is why I imagine I could paint to it. Some songs you can play over and over.

Now "counterpoint" has come to mind. I need to look that up and see what it means. Hmmm. I still don't really know. I think I'd have to hear examples and then hear the explanations for it and then remember. I guess I was sort of talking about a kind of counterpoint in the way the dance is choreographed or something but I don't know if there is any actual, techical "counterpoint" in the song. The word just came to my mind. I looked it up on wiki and there are so many different definitions, I don't know how to describe what I might want to say. Might be something fun to learn about sometime though. I think I'd like to know more about "counterpoint".
Keep listening to "Maybe" by Ingrid Michaelson now. Good catchy pop song.

I keep thinking, if I can't break into this town, maybe I will take help from out of the area, so I'm thinking about all of my options. If I need help from people I know in other states, I'm considering this. Going to talk to my parents a little bit and to family and a few others. I might need to figure out what will give me a little peace of mind in getting a handle on the situation here. Talking to people about correspondence work too. If I could get into that, it would be perfect. Something I could do from here independently. Talking to people. Until I get my financial aid, I have to step some things up.

I have to start filling up the court record with alot of docs too. File, file, file, like mad, so there is stuff there for appeal or for civil case if needed later. It needs to be in the record. So all my corrections to visitation notes, and EVERYTHING is going in. I can file whatever I need to file, that I haven't filed yet.

Friday, November 27, 2009

Noticed A Gifted Student Yesterday

To record: yesterday I was walking by and ran into this young woman who is in 8th grade whom I had talked to very briefly in passing once. She was outside with her brother and they started talking when their dog came over to me.

After less than 5 minutes, I said, "You're smart, aren't you?" and she nodded. I said, "I'll bet you're getting A's in school" and she said A's and some B's. I asked her if she was in TAG or a talented and gifted program and she said no. Then, she spoke up and said she was in honors courses that were high school level.

I asked her what she wanted to do and she said: Fireman, (forgot one), and Doctor. I don't know how I knew she was smart when she'd said less than 2 sentences, but somehow I did. It was strange, but I encouraged her in her academics and told her to tell her parents I commented. She said her Dad is a teacher.

Horrible Vibe

I just have the horrible vibe again. It's almost 8 p.m.

So far, I've figured out I get this when something bad is being planned or done against me. At least I've made this connection later, a few times.

Other times, I think someone I'm connected to is sad and that I'm empathizing with their feelings somehow, or maybe it's just to pray. I tried to call to see how my son was doing but no one answered.

It's been really off and on today. A lot of contrasting energies. Almost as complicated as it sometimes was in the D.C. area. This morning, totally positive and then, conflicting. Sadness, and some strength. Then a heavy feeling again, of sadness.

I always think of my son first. And then I think I pick up energies or vibes that affect my life in some way. I don't know though. Someone once asked me if I thought I picked up a vibe that could transfer all the way overseas to another country. I said maybe, but if I did, how would I know? He wondered if I could pick up on world situations and maybe he asked because an image I wrote stuck a chord somehow. But I have no idea.

To me, when it is a strong positive vibe, it's like a bunch of people praying at once or just...I don't know how to describe it. Then most of the time, I don't notice at all and it's just neutral. Other times, very negative or oppressive and heavy or sometimes more sad than anything else. I can usually distinguish negative and heavy or bad from sad. Sad is very specific. There's a difference between this energy and a heavy feeling which feels more like a grieving of the spirit somehow.

This isn't a symptom of any kind of disorder either, by the way, unless someone tried to interpret it as bipolar but I don't go up and down with impulse and depression and mania at all.

I can tell the difference from being sad myself to feeling a sadness emanating from something else. There is a difference between my feeling "happy" and feeling this strong connected and "whole" energy too.

I've had some say maybe it's a soulmate. It feels more like a twin--like the way twins describe picking up on eachother's feelings and emotions, even from a long distance. And yet, I know that sometimes the negative feeling has come from finding out later there was a lot of planning to screw me over going on...I mean, to the hour. Sometimes I've felt a very distinct cautious kind of energy, and have wondered if something dangerous was going on. But I can't always pin-point this, though sometimes, later, I find out why.

I found a book at the bookstore recently, which was about psychics and has more scientific studies and it's kind of interesting.

I haven't woken up at odd hours lately, like I was doing for a couple of weeks.

I don't understand though, how the energy can go from good to bad in a day (or off and on) when I'm not doing anything different that I know of, and my personal moods are level.

More Family

I guess my hispanic grandma and uncle know something about my situation with my son and might want to help. They know more about the area I guess and they're really nice. My grandma was my grandfather's second wife, but she was always the grandma I knew growing up and she's Mexican.

I decided to start writing to other relatives I haven't contacted yet, just for support on getting my son back.

I called my ex and asked why he laughed about my not getting more visitation and he said he didn't laugh or didn't mean it that way. He said he wants me to have my son back and keeps asking what the attorneys are doing here in Wenatchee. I told him I don't know because I had liked my lawyer until he did all these things which favored the state, and then I had liked the AG until she tried to take everything away from my son and didn't even want to increase the visitation time (when she said she thought it was right to do so 3 months ago). It might be true he wasn't really laughing about this, because maybe the whole thing just sounded comedic to him because I had just told him how they tried to diagnose me and then that they weren't increasing visits. He knows I'm not mentally ill like that, so maybe it just sounded too bizarre and struck his funnybone. I don't know. I don't know why the AG would suddenly be so against my son's rights.

Met A Paranoid Schitzophrenic Today

Today was a good day. After a short time of picking up on a negative vibe (and then getting back home and finding out exactly WHY--someone trying to kick me out again with a note), everything resolved.

I don't know how my situations will be resolved, but I am still trying. I'm doing my best and I still intend and mean no harm to anyone.

I met some interesting people today and I am not supposed to divulge identities so I won't. But I met a military guy who made me think again about policy for Veterans, and then I met someone, for the first time in my life I did, with paranoid schitzophrenia.

It was really interesting because there were no correlations with what he described and how I have ever viewed the world or from anything I've experienced. However, I wasn't quick to discount what he was describing and wanted a lot of information first. I asked good questions.

I listened for over an hour.

It might not seem good to associate with people of severe mental disability if I'm actually being defamed to attack my credibility, but I didn't look left or right. I did what I felt was right, to listen to someone who wanted to talk and broaden my own perspectives.

There is a saying that you are known by the company you keep, but this only goes so far. It is more important, I think, to be able to sit with various kinds of company, and be comfortable, and learn something. Not all the time, but every now and then.

I know that it's not good "PR" to hang out at homeless clubhouses or shelters and socialize, especially when I'm being discredited with claims of mental illness. I think about that. But I would hope that I am more interested in being inclusive of people from every walk of life, than just those groups which "could do something for me."

So I'm listening to this guy and at first, I couldn't make any judgment calls. When talking about everyday events, he sounds totally normal. But then he started telling me about what "happened" and it was out there. Still, I know "out there" things can happen. So, lol, my first question was if he'd ever been in the military. He said no. The reason I asked is because the U.S. HAS done and DOES do "experiments" on US citizens, but usually it's military or already government employed persons (maybe slightly less liability or more easily observed--think MK ULTRA).

But no, he has a perfectly normal background, and never angered or reported any kind of group, never had litigation, never was in government or military positions, and really doesn't have any kind of background to suggest he might have been "of interest".

Not to say ordinary people aren't sometimes used in government experiments.

But then I listened to what he was saying and there are too many things that don't add up to make it even slightly plausible that he was ever even a subject for an experiment or anything. When he started talking about his "inner ear waking up" that's just too out there. I can believe seeing bright lights and things, but when he said this, I asked if he'd had any injuries in the auto accident he was describing. He hadn't had any injuries. I was thinking, maybe even whiplash could do that. But there was never an injury.

So, no injury to cause distortion AND no motive for anyone to have ever targeted him or even a chance for him to be easily observed.

So he kept talking, and in that framework, along with the fact that he kept using odd phrases in general, it was clear he truly had paranoid schitzophrenia.

He hears voices, audibly, and sees things, literally. He hides from "them" and everything is coming from a satellite and talking to him through an actual physical radio. Like, he has his radio on and someone talks over the music or something. What I don't discount, is the fact that some experiments HAVE been done, in the past, according to declassified US materials, which prove experiments using sophisticated technology was done even decades ago.

The thing is, it's not being done on an actual radio that is used for public broadcasting where only one person hears a different thing than the rest of the listeners hear. And, he isn't just hearing audible voices, he talks back to them, and he actually sees things in front of him when he should be alone.

I believe in miracles and supernatural events, on rare occasion, but in all, there was very little to suggest that even with the most broad and liberal observation, this guy could have been subject to anything other than actual mental illness.

He asked me if I had any of these symptoms and I told him I didn't, but that some people don't really know what the disorder is about and they don't know the symptoms. They also don't know how to differentiate between possible experimentation, gang violence or misuse of technology, and political motive. He asked about me and I said the only thing about me which might lead someone to actually reasonably "wonder" were the things I say happen which have sometimes been "psychic or intuitive", and my "images".

But the psychic things are normal and people can related to at least knowing someone who had a dream of something that later came true, or intuited something, and then there are very skilled people who do this too, with accuracy. So that's not abnormal.

I told him I speak about "seeing colors" and images, but it's all in the minds eye, which is just another description of imagination. I told him, for example, and author gets an idea in their mind, and "sees" something, might even have different colors or ideas come to mind, and then uses that to write with. Similiarly, a musician will "hear" or "think of" a melody and then go to their instrument and compose something that has come to mind. I've done this, while writing songs for the guitar. But all of that is basically imagination.

I have imagination, I have intuition, and, unfortunately,

I've had enemies.

This does not make me "paranoid schitzophrenic".

I also have groups who wish to discredit me so I can point to plenty of motive for some who would want to claim I'm just mentally ill and then write me off as such.

I'm not quick to judge anyone, not even someone talking about "satellites". You really have to listen and be open minded and educated, and then use good judgment at the same time.

If you're not educated about both real possibilities AND signs and symptoms of true mental illness, it isn't possibly to make correct judgements about others. There are some who wouldn't have even listened to this guy for more than 10 minutes before deciding on something. Which is, I guess, apparently what happened with him and his psychologist. He said he had only been talking for less than 10-15 minutes and the psychologist came back with a diagnosis and medication prescription for Seroquel.

Even if someone initially "sounds" crazy, I don't believe it's correct to make such rash judgements, simply because what someone is saying is so far out of ones own understanding, concept of the world, or realm of experience and education. I listened to this guy for over an hour, and I asked a lot of questions and only after all of this, did I think he was truly mentally ill.

What I started saying to someone else who was there, though, was that it is really horrible what has been done to SOME, very few individuals, by government or others, who do experiments or harm or medicate others without their knowledge and/or consent. One woman there spoke up because when I asked if he was in military, she told me her relative had been approached by someone in government, during the MK-Ultra era and actually asked if he would consent to this experiment. He said no, but he was someone who was first asked about consent. There were others who didn't even know it was happening, and they were observed and probably thought they were losing their minds, or didn't know WHAT to think, and who would believe them?

I said I think it's really mean and cruel to think that this happens to some people, even if it's just a few, and they are never validated and their lives are affected and no one comes in to make the statements necessary to correct the wrong ideas. I said, usually no one knows it was even going on until decades later when stuff is declassified.

Sniper: Veteran's Coverage for PTSD

It was fine until about 2:30 p.m., but then I was talking to someone about being a veteran of war. I don't have the strong positive vibe right now.

I wouldn't name anyone of course, or give out personal information about this, but it got me thinking about how the U.S. could change a law or two on their coverage of military medical coverage.

This guy worked in the military in very high risk work and after over 10 years got a dishonorable discharge for a bad UA. This was after serving so long and then going to Desert Storm too.

He told me some things he's been through and it all sounds like PTSD but he got diagnosed with just "severe depression". I believe his depression is secondary to PTSD, because it's not some chemical disorder really, but the suffering from actual events that any normal person could be depressed by.

The PROBLEM is, that because he doesn't qualify for Veteran's insurance, he hasn't been seen by anyone who really knows PTSD and is able to diagnose properly. He went to "the best guy in town" who seems to be really popular, but both I and this man "know" his root issue is PTSD.

So I am thinking the U.S. should really screen all their military, like they do FBI in undercover work, on a regular basis, WHILE they're in the military and then afterwards. AND, I think the cost-risk-benefits of even covering D&D military in mental health and physical health, make a good argument for Veteran's coverage. Everyone benefits from it, and it helps people to be productive and ensures the safety of others as well.

We could even look at it this way: Do we REeeeaally want a bunch of former gun-men/women who are high octane and have PTSD running around without any assistance? how is THAT good for anybody? I mean, the majority suffer in silence and are no harm to anyone, but some of them, go into domestic violence, or over-react to situations because of their training and PTSD. I think they should all be covered. I think if America heard such an argument, we would all vote "yes". Umm, and no, I don't want to be President of the United States. Hmm, that would be a funny post. I should think up a campaign.

What was sort of funny is that I told him how I can "feel" eyes on the back of me even when I have no idea someone is looking at me, and he laughed. Then, I caught him TESTING this! lol. :) So funny. I turned, and there he was. He'd come back in and as soon as I turned, he quickly pretended like he wasn't. Now HE knows I'm not nuts or lying. I don't think I do it ALL the time, but it happens a lot.

I told him about this, which is something everyone has experienced I think, you turn and find someone is already staring...But I told him about it because he told me he was employed in the military as a sniper. He got really high grades as a marksman early on.

So I told him I knew there were snipers and then "look-out" people who assist the sniper in scouting things out. Then I told him, joking, it would seem I am sometimes good at picking up or intuiting being watched.
On a side note, what is strange is that this morning, before I met this guy and knew what he used to do, I was thinking about someone who is a sniper, and then this other guy showed up.

One Of My Aces: My Dad

I am going to turn this around and I'm going to get my Dad to help me.

They don't hold "all of the cards" and instead, just thought they did, because my own attorney even thinks I'm totally isolated with no one, NO ONE, helping me financially.

After I start showing my Dad some of the things that have been done to me, and give account for how I've been blacklisted in this town, with evidence, I might get better support. He actually thinks I've done "nothing" in the last several months, as if I'm just sitting around, when for the last 4 months I have sent out tons of applications and applied for work and then for housing, to no avail. He has no idea how hard I've tried to get even a dishwashing job. Now, since I'm getting unemployment, it makes no sense to settle for a very low-wage job when I could look for something better while getting unemployment coverage.

I know some people are coming forward for me, to support me and to support me with financial means.

My Mom and Dad have been lied to.

My Mom might not care, the way her side has treated me, but in the end, my Dad will care.

I want my son back.

You can start with increasing my visitation with my son.

You can also get the talks going again, about strategy and whether it is REALLY in anyones best interests, to have my reputation so smeared and my civil rights so trampled, all in the name of revenge and hatred and politics.

And no, I'm not alone.

My first step now, is because of what was done to my son in the last hearing, I'm going forward to the newspaper I spoke of.

My second step, is to tell my public defender to make a motion for appeal of the last hearing and orders. He had ZERO time to prepare, made ZERO written defense for me, and based on the consequences of following the Judge's orders, I should be allowed an independent psychological evaluation before tossing my entire life and opportunities down the drain.

I feel better this morning. Last night was a killer, but even early this morning, I felt more like 100%. I feel really good. Bad vibe gone.

UPDATE: All state and legal offices are closed today, but I went over anyway, with a hand-written release of information, to have my psych eval results released to my Dad. I dropped one off at the law offices and one at the state offices of CPS which had workers in today so I slipped it under the door.

Thursday, November 26, 2009

Totally Depressed Tonight

I am totally depressed tonight. I called my family and told my Dad for all I knew, I might have people that wanted to kill me. He said, "How will blogging keep you from getting killed?" and then this was no reassurance of course. I told him I have been made to feel afraid so I don't know what else to do. He denies everything I wrote and said I was paranoid but that he didn't think I should be on medications and he didn't think I had the illnesses the state says I have. I told my Dad I sometimes wonder if he IS CIA or was, because he can say anything and I would practically believe it.

I was asking someone else about helping me with an independent evaluation, but haven't heard back yet, and then my Dad told me to let the state or my attorney know, that HE wanted to take a look at it.

So, I'm supposed to have my lawyer or the state fax or scan and then email a copy over ASAP. I told my Dad I was being forced to take "mental disability" and cancel out my unemployment and that they want me to have a head exam and then were already talking about making me get "medicated" or lose my son for non-compliance.

I wonder if, even if my Dad says I'm paranoid, he's realizing something isn't adding up right. I want my parents and family on my side, and I don't know why they fight me and think it's good. There are a bunch of people who are NOT on my family's side, of any kind. I may blab shit, but I actually LOVE my family. I care and I check up on my parents all the time. I want my family to realize they are not always given the correct "scoop" on the details.

I also feel horrible, HORRIBLE, because then my Dad said he did understand suffering or physical pain when I was justifying why I haven't been able to get on my feet with so many car accidents and physical injuries. So I said none of them understood because no one in my immediate family has had to deal with it. So my Dad said this wasn't true and that I didn't know about everything. I said, like what and it's not relevant for adult injury set-backs, but then I found out his entire family was almost killed and he almost died in a car crash when he was 4. Some guy rammed into the back of their car so hard, it injured all of them, and both my Dad and his brother were almost killed when they were thrown out. Howard landed on the road and was then nearly run over and then the car flipped and went down a bank, and he was thrown out onto the grass.

I feel more depressed because now I wonder...well, I just wonder about everything now.

Yeah, basically, who is trying to kill off the Howard-Garrett's for the most part.

They are a really, really, good family, and yet so many of them were pushed down, drugged down with meds and Agent Orange, or, for the most part, simply killed off or nearly killed in "accidents". Which, mainly do not look like real "accidents".

I swear someone must have thought we were related to the Ed Howard guy. I don't know. None of it makes sense to me.

I just have that heavy, sad, vibe. All day today I felt strong for whatever reason and then tonight, no. For the last 2 hours I sense something isn't right. But I called everyone. I talked to my Dad, and I think he's okay though might be better, so I don't know, and then I called people I've been aquainted with in the past and no, not them, and then I called for Oliver, or to see how he was doing. I miss him, and I guess when my cousin arrived from out of town to play with him, he wanted to eat. He didn't like what she offered though, so he didn't. I told her he might be unconsciously wanting to eat because he always did when we sat down to play and he might think she was visiting with him in the same way, or it stimulated his appetite. He'd had a little dinner but wanted to eat when she sat down to play with him. So since he's so thin right now, I asked her if she might find something he WOULD like to eat, and offer a few things, so he will put on some weight. If he wants to eat, could she just find something he might like? And she said she would. He's probably glad she's there because he liked her in the past and she spent some time with him. He liked Ivory better than Dahlia. I was also happy to hear that Ivory is studying music and might go to University now that she's finished with her beauty school. I was so glad to hear this because she has brains and should get better pay while she's doing something rewarding, though I think it's great to have a trade skill.
I started feeling a little bit better about 10 minutes after I wrote the last, so I think someone is praying for me. It has to be it.
the other thing I wonder, is why this one woman was so weird, pushing the twin stroller without kids in it, in front of the Post Pub when I was trying to walk in. She was waiting for me and I'd seen her around the house on 14th. How did SHE know, before anyone else did, that I was carrying twins? Who saw this, and yet did nothing about it?

There is no way that woman should have known I was carrying twins. I had gone into the hospital and had an ultrasound by that point that I saw her, from what I recall, and the heartbeat was found, but no one told me about the other one in my ovary. Yet this woman who was following me around and didn't seem to like me, made a point of standing in front of the doorway with a black stroller for twins, side by side. She was laughing, and staring at me. Then she just left, like that.

Why do people on the East not question me? I guess it's not the East in general, but the D.C. area. I guess they believe almost anything because they've seen everything and know the possibilities. I have such a hard time getting through, at all, in this area.
I called my ex tonight, wondering if there was something wrong, but no, he was fine. It was fine but he sounded more happy than sad for me that I wasn't given increased visitation with my son. It was the only thing that stood out to me. I don't know why he would laugh or sound happy about it. I told him some people over here acted mad that I didn't marry him. He said, mmm-hmm. He tried to tell me the other night that wasn't "anyone" but he's already confessed. He tried to give me "un besito" but I said, "No, tu tienes un amor por tu vida y es no mi y tu tienes un novia tambien." Then he said, "Tengo NADA a este momento." Like, for those exact five minutes. I already heard him admit everything. It can't be taken back. How am I supposed to marry someone I can't trust fully? If he is serious about writing a statement for me, he will. He sounded sincere about whether there was a "problem" and he wanted to know if there was and sounded like he would try to help but I was upset that he laughed that I didn't have increased visitation. Maybe some people want to punish me for not getting married so his daughter could move over to the US. Maybe it's that since I didn't do this, they want to be sure I don't have MY son. I would have, but just like I wasn't wrong about the fling with Mykal, the housemate, and wasn't "psychotic" then, I'm not deluded now, to think he would be faithful to me and I have to think about my son and what impact another person would have in his life. I may never get married, but I will always be a mother. He has a better personality and sense of humor than most I date and we have many shared interests, but I have friendship for him and not more.

It seems strange though, that my case with my son is always going well if I'm with my ex or might be getting back together. It's like, things were postponed and delayed but I started getting pressure, not from Alvaro, but people in WENATCHEE, to marry him. And housing withheld from me, unless I had a co-signer, etc, when the rent was month-to-month and risk=free, being paid for in full by the state. It just seems odd to me. People don't always know the whole story, anymore than I do, but it seems strange. I know people liked him of course, and maybe feel I'd done something wrong to him, but in my opinion, the decision was mutual. It's a 2-way street and he had as much to do with separating as I did. Sometimes, I think he really loved me. I even have a flash now and then, of something good about him that I don't imagine, it just comes to me.

People sometimes want me to be a sacrificial lamb, I think, and don't even care at all about the impact on my life or my son's life. Anne and my PD and the Judge were totally against me in court. It went from giving me a chance to wanting to railroad me again. I have the strangest feeling sometimes that it has to do with my not marrying him. I could be wrong, but whenever it looks like we might get together, people back off of me and start acting in a slightly more fair manner. But if I decide no, it's thrown back at me.

I don't think my Dad knows, really, what I've been through. I think he understands a lot more than I used to think, but he doesn't really know.

I don't want to be a lawyer. I don't want to fight. If I have to fight for my son I will, but I don't want to be a lawyer. I just want my son. I'm sorry I can't marry my Ex, but how could I after confirmation of what I already knew somehow. He and I had a deal and part of that deal, in our relationship, was that he didn't cheat on me while he was with me or at least told me if he wanted to. I feel very very badly for his position as well, with his daughter elsewhere, but he finds girlfriends with no problem and there are a lot of women who would like to marry him. Maybe they just aren't down for being a mistress with the paramour on the side and girlfriends too. I could have handled the paramour from the past, in the past, but not ALL of the different stuff.

Found Someone With Video Program

I just found someone with a video program that will play things I record. So, I'm figuring it out with a neighbor and will be able to start uploading video files very soon.

My batteries are dead so I have to charge them up first and then we're recording and then I'll loading stuff up.

My neighbor has seen me Day to Day and said he'd write a statement for me.

My ex from Colombia said he would also write a statement for me.

I deleted my last statement about wanting to put things together in prep for a termination trial, because I suppose I can still try to be positive. If I'm paranoid, the things I've said will happen, won't happen, right? It is sheer paranoia...hmm.

So thinking positively--the state and my family ARE trying to reunite me with my son. Okay. Despite what looks like evidence to the contrary, I'll go along. I will choose to believe the state and my family are doing everything in their power to help me and help my son (does that sound delusional?).

As for people getting paid off, I have zero evidence or info anyone IS, but I can't imagine WHY else anyone would continue to lie so much unless they were, and then try to block me from documenting what reality is. So, it's just a guess. If Judge Hotchkiss actually cares about my son, and isn't just playing games, he would and will be reasonable when it comes to granting motions hereout. It could be a big suprise.

Also, there have been many people in the US who try to help. I know this is true. I've seen it and I know the people are there. I wonder where sometimes, but I know there are people who care and who try. And I'm thankful. I am not in favor of internationals over people from my own country by any means. I'm in favor of people who look out for my son and his interests, genuinely, and who try to help. I care about and love my family besides, but I don't know. My family, I think, has been very pressured. I like to think, or hope. I want to think they have stood to the side because...I don't know. Because they have felt threatened themselves.

I think I saw my grandfather's car in front of the AG's office last week and I almost wondered if maybe he was trying to do something to help.

My father left a message for me the other day, letting me know he was calling at 1, and to give him a call back. I did and it was that a housing place in town had room but I told him I was still trying to get into housing through Wenatchee programs. But he was passing the message on to me. He sounded great, no problems or anything. I always get worried about my parents and check on them to make sure they're doing alright but he sounded great, at least over the phone. The only time I wondered about my parents, was when they looked so upset about the idea of Alvaro and I not marrying. They looked scared, and kept saying they thought it would be difficult but not impossible to get my son back, and that was the only time I ever saw their expression of how they really DID want this to happen. So I wonder why they don't feel they can be more supportive of me now, but my father DID say, "Do you think it will help?" when I told him I needed a hair analysis and I said yes, because it would rule out the idea that I'm a narco addict or that I'd been using anything. He has said he doesn't know what will really "help" so this is why they don't help out more, financially. I don't know what they think of the psych eval. I can't imagine they actually agree with it.

I just realized, about internationals vs Americans, WHY I was getting better and more accurate information from some internationals. I just realized, US people don't wiretap or surveil, very often, their own people. CIA doesn't, at least not much. FBI does within legal boundaries. But the internationals have a kind of immunity--if they're getting information, they can get it from a variety of sources. CIA doesn't have to announce surveillance in another country just as other countries don't have to announce surveillance of anyone in THIS country.

Superior Results From My Parenting Test

The results from the subjective test that many parents in custody battles, I guess, take, to discover parenting skill, ability, and style, were, as I knew they would be, superior.

I never lied when I said I am a kick ass Mom.

The psychologist tried to downplay this, just like she tried to downplay my normal MMPI, by writing she thought I had a "defensive profile".

So, she claims to know what I'm like and how I take tests, after talking to me for one hour. She tries to dispute indisputable test findings, that I'm normal, and that actually, my parenting test turned out with superior results where even non-CPS parents fare much worse, and according to this parenting test, I should be giving OTHER PARENTS tips on effective and meaningful parenting, but no...

She claims my answers were, I guess she's saying, dishonest! If she claims I was defensive (as perhaps she feels ALL CPS involved parents or ALL PARENTS in ANY kind of custody case might be) she claims I lied.

I didn't lie on any of my answers. If I would admit, on my blog, that I have tried marijuana, I have no reason whatever to lie on an MMPI or a parenting test.

What the state doesn't want to face up to, is the fact that my OBJECTIVE test results are NOT squaring with their claims about me.

So, either THEY are lying about me and my behavior, OR I must be lying when giving my answers.

I never read an MMPI or parenting test first. I just sat down, and did it, and if I was SO CAREFUL in how I was test-taking, then WHY, may I ask, did I complete BOTH tests at such an astounding rate? I took the FULL, clinical MMPI and the APPY and I was finished with both of them in less than an hour and a half.

This would indicate, given the rapid speed, that I was not over-thinking or trying to come up with the right answer, but that I answered spontaneously.

All the psychologists were telling me it takes at least 2 hours to do the MMPI. I did THIS test and a full parenting test, with very complicated and difficult questions, BOTH of them, in less than an hour and a half.

I'm not a genius, so I didn't whip through these tests like Marilyn vos Savant. I was ranked with "Average High" intelligence, which is average, and this is further indication I sped through the tests, answering honestly and impromtu, without some kind of genius intellect which would make it possible for someone to go that fast and be able to sort everything out at the same time, to lie. Not one of my objective test results supports the state's claims.

The fact that my parenting test was superior, and my MMPI test was normal, and the fact that everyone I meet who talks to me thinks I'm normal, isn't squaring with what the department has been covering up all along.

If I had a "defensive profile" and "knew the right answers" on a parenting test, then, given the fact I want my son back and that I'm being graded on parenting in visitation, how does this make any sense that my "defensive profile" wouldn't then carry over, with "superior results" in my visitations?

The truth is, all of my visits with my son have been good, and I am an excellent mother, and they know it.