A Little Bit Down, But Blessings Too

I am a little bit down but it doesn't feel like an energy thing. I have to say, I felt a day or two ago, that maybe something changed for someone else or somewhere in the world, but I think this is just feeling discouraged by what seems like insurmountable odds.

If I pick up on something, maybe a few others feel depressed with me. Not totally "depressed" in a clinical way, but a little sad.

I am watching "Goodfellas" or listening to it, rather, as I write. I think I've seen it before. The part where Karen and her husband hold a gun against eachother--scary.

I have some good things to say though. I cooled down about my anger over getting "nailed" over stuff I haven't even done, or "behavior" ideas which are not even true, but then I was glad the hospital treated me very well last night when I went in for migraine. They didn't write me off with a "headache" but with migraine and treated it and it's gone. I tried to pre-empt it this time, because I didn't want to go in when it was at the worst point, after I'd suffered for 2 days or more. So I just went in earlier and got the shot of ergotamine. I wish I knew how to give it to myself, because it would save on bills.

Today I also reported my laptop which was given to me by federal people, as stolen. My opinion is that whoever stole it already has someone from the gov. who knows where it went. Not like I'm going to get it back, but also, that ISP is going to be traced and there are others who would be interested in who is using it or obtained it. I went to Wenatchee police and reported it stolen. It was the big black one I received, that was a little older. It had a lot of photos and personal stuff on it. Someone wanted it for that, not the computer itself, because it's older.

I am staying with someone who is able to let me stay while I look for housing and have someone else to stay with if I can't get into housing after this week. So I'm fortunate, even if I feel very impatient to get into a 2 bedroom ASAP so I have something for my son.

The problem is really the psych eval. That, and the visitation notes. I hadn't been reading the notes at all, just avoided it, and when I do now, I had no idea HOW bad they were. Just very distorted.

The other thing I will need to prove, to go for an independent evaluation, is that I wasn't psychotic when someone tried to poison me and I was bleeding from it and had other results show up. I have a pesticide specialist who says it's true, and then when I reported the laptop incident today, the officer believed it. He didn't think there was anything psychotic about it at all. I also am getting to know a guy over here, who I talk to almost daily on a completely platonic level, and he's nice and also knows I'm not nuts so he said he'll also write a statement for me.

Then, I met yet another guy who is going to try to help me find work. He gave some ideas and is going to look out for stuff and referred me to his former employer. So if I have someone speaking up for me, I might be getting legitimate work soon. I am still trying and looking.

It's extremely tight over here--the economy is getting worse, even over the holidays and not better. I went to Worksource, the database for jobs and there are actually fewer posting now than there were a month ago. And it's the holidays.

I am still interested in nursing probably, was just pissed the other day. I talked to a nurse tonight who is having an equally difficult time finding work but she's employed. It's just not exactly what she wants but I hope she gets this new position she applied for.

I had a couple more "coincidental" or intuitive things happen today and the other day. I commented on the tumbler I was served whiskey with, and how I liked that kind so much, and used to have similiar glasses and he then takes me back to his one "collection"--a whole beautiful collection of Waterford crystal tumbers, decanters, and all kinds of cut glass. The glasses I had been served with were not Waterford, but then voila, around the corner was the main collection. And then I was looking at the tumblers and just as I was about to say "decanter" and comment on the decanters at the bottom, he said, "decanter". We said it out loud at almost the same time. It wasn't a big deal, but interesting because neither of us were motioning that way, and there were a lot of other forms of crystal at the top but we went for the decanters at the same time. Then tonight, I have quit smoking except for my occasional bit of maybe one full cigarette per month, and I walked outside with this specific woman in my mind.

I thought about her, and was hoping she would come out to her deck so I could bum one. She did. She came out at the exact time I walked outside and was thinking about her. I specifically had her in mind and then she walked out for a smoke right when I needed one and she and I chatted and I found out she was a nurse. We had met before but hadn't smoked together.

I had someone tell me to use positive thinking recently. But I couldn't do it. He said to imagine, to begin thinking about my son, in an image that I come up with, in a two bedroom house. Told me to just think about how it made me feel. But I couldn't do it because I feel so disheartened by not even getting visitation increased and this lousy psych eval, I couldn't do it. I am afraid of suffering even more, to think about such a good thing. Because I already know how many people do not want this for me, and want me to sacrifice my whole brain and reputation to the idea that I'm nuts.

But maybe I should. Maybe instead of just praying, I should start putting into my mind what good things are going to happen next, and focus and meditate on this and see if it helps.

I don't know why, but the only song I keep playing today, is "One" by U2 and Mary J. Blige. I heard it in the store the other day and perked up.

It is really strange how many people I really feel are rooting for me and yet even all these people are powerless to affect the minds or decisions of a few powerful and rich who don't like me and want things to go a certain way. I don't think people would really lie so much if there wasn't something "in it" for them. Some group wants to medicate a mind that God used, to tell a woman, a mother, in a bar, that her son was going to be okay.

I know God does not want my brain on medication. I know it would be not just unethical and wrong to medicate a mind that doesn't need medication, but a sin. You don't medicate a gift.

That woman told me her son and his troop were so encouraged about this. She said her son said to her, "Mom, I have an angel looking out for me." I told her it wasn't me at all, but something God wanted me to tell her, for whatever reason. Why her? Why doesn't it happen to me all the time? I don't know. But if I feel I am supposed to give someone a message that I absolutely know is outside of my own imaginings, I have to do it. I didn't even KNOW she HAD a son. I didn't know how old, or what was wrong. Then later, she was good enough to tell me. She was white and the father of her son was Italian she said.

I also think about this woman who came to me after I had the image of a woman being beat into the dirt, when I was in the jail. I had thought maybe people were pulling my leg, but maybe not. She told me it actually happened to her and her daughter was there confirming this.

I know for sure the second woman was telling the truth because I saw all the donations going from charities to his troop and was told his leader and some guys had just been killed.

So I know, I believe, I am not special but that every now and then, I see something or feel something, or have a message, that is for good, and it's not me. I truly feel it's evidence of a higher power. Some things may be human intuition and some kind of telepathic thing we don't understand yet, but I know it's real.

One time, on the East Coast, I saw a white man being bound to a chair in Colombian colors of the flag and told my fiance about it. Only a few days later, the last known European hostage, a white man, who was norwegian I think, was released. He was the only one left I guess but I read about it. I may have had some odd insight into his initial capture, I don't know. I couldn't see a face at all. I never see anyone's face for anything so I can never see identities.

I am hoping maybe even a Wenatchee psychologist could do a better psychological evaluation. People in Wenatchee, in general, have talked to me and seen for themselves I am coherent and not totally mentally ill. They also know I'm not a drug addict.

When I showed up to the UA (urine analysis) clinic the last time, without calling first, because I somehow knew then that I had a UA randomly scheduled, a woman was there who gave me some names of psychologists in the area and she was a counselor who felt and believed I shouldn't be medicated.

So instead of freaking out, which is natural, I need to re-imagine something positive. I need to imagine and pray and meditate on the idea that things can STILL turn around somehow.

I have a lawyer now and it will take a lot of work, but I can't give up or lose hope.

I think there is a balance between fighting and picking a battle, and seeking peace and surrenduring. I am still learning and trying to find this balance and my emotional response gets the better of me. It would anyone, but I need to keep my chin up and think of myself as the person I am and want to be and how that person would react to things.

For example, when I thought, hey, I might be related to this Henry VIIIs fifth wife, Katherine Howard, I thought, wow, if I'm in line for a title (hahah) would I put up photos of myself looking like a vamp?

Largely, I've held my head up, just believing I'm worth "something" and having confidence in my abilities but everyone should do this. Instead of settling for ourselves and giving in to just respond however we want to, we should find the high road, when it's possible. I say it to myself and others, who I know can think more highly about themselves and find a higher road in how they respond or treat others too. We are all important.

The other thing I realized, was, in talking to this one man here, how many very smart people are in Wenatchee, without stimulating work. I mean, there is real brain power in this town, and it would be nice if some kind of corporation decided to build here and give jobs, or a higher university came into town to encourage people to get full degrees here. There is talent and brain power and just not a ton of challenging jobs. I think it would be cool if the Wenatchee Valley College could reform to become a 4 year university and give some of the people here who never want to move away, a chance to strive for a full degree.