Energy

I'm not in the very best of moods but I don't have that sadness or heaviness like I've had the last couple of nights. It seems sort of even-level. Or that's how I feel. Seeing my son probably had something to do with this, in lifting perhaps both my and my son's spirits.

Things are not perfect, and I feel something of a restlessness in that I don't know what to do at this point with such limited resources for even getting anything done, but I feel positive, in general.

Not a bad night.

I've talked to some new people lately too, and that's been nice, to get to know others. No one I've become acquainted with, whom I've talked to daily or almost daily, thinks there is anything wrong with me mentally or has noticed anything odd so that's good. It's really impossible to determine where someone "is" by just reading very select clips from a blog. One would have to become familiar with the person on a weekly, or even daily basis, to know. And so far, those who have become familiar, think I'm fine. Stressed out--REALLY stressed, but in general, doing okay. If anything, I worry about my son, but I'm just doing what I can to be patient and try to turn it around and go through whatever hoops I have to go through. I have no idea what it is though, because I haven't even received results from the psych eval.

I keep asking about it, because this has really been delayed so long, and it's unfair to spring something on me at the very "last hour" if no one is willing to work with me to reunify my son. If I need to refute it with my own independent eval, then this has to be done quickly, and if I can halfway agree with it and need to comply with recommendations, I need time to comply. It's been such a stalling the entire time, from the East coast to West. It seems like an eternal running of the clock and attempt to break the bond more than anything, and line up a bunch of misinformation about me.

My son would like his mother back.

This is supposed to be about him and his best interests and there is no way I am a "risk" in any way, to my own son. There is no mental illness which keeps me from being the best caregiver that any child could wish for.

And no, I wouldn't even blog about things regarding him if I wasn't concerned that if I don't, if something were to ever happen to me, some of my own personal documentation might be lost and he would never know what the truth is.

If he's with me, I don't need to blog. But until things start turning, for everyone, I have to weigh privacy with safety and my desire to have my son know what kind of mother I am and how we are together. I hope I am able to share these things for many decades in the future. But if not, I don't want anyone going through my things and burning records.

A lot of things which have belonged to me have been "lost" or stolen and never recovered.

Still, I have clothing being stolen from me. I haven't reported the latest incidents. I might, at some point, make a full list and description, online, of every single article of clothing that's been stolen from me, when, and where. Enough clothing to fill a whole walk-in closet has been stolen. It is that much. And usually, my best things, or favorite things. Some things, I have no idea why anyone would steal them.

I feel good enough about myself not to even worry about what I am wearing all the time. I know who I am and feel secure in that. I just saw this Joy Behar's show on shopoholics and I am very lucky this isn't a problem for me because I would be in serious trouble! Imagine being a shopoholic and then having everything you shopped for, stolen. Now THAT would be the ultimate outrage. I'm not addicted to material things, so while I appreciate having nice things, if they are stolen from me, I am not going to have a break-down over it.