Monday, January 31, 2011

poem or free thought...billiards (having 2 type w 1 hand)

all the billiards bawl
sprawling out in blue & green
her feathers in her hair
the peacock threads are inbetween
chalk on velvet chair
portis pret a port
bonne nuit
estudie je somala while i study
jaquard from tennessee
when they split
they 4ways crack
1 & the other deciding which sphere that one took
measuring distance, gauging probability
i slept last night with an angel beside me
but i do not their name
which of the 4 winds i may never know
where did they come from and how long silent & watching me
before i said hello

war in the sauna
1 full hour of rest & then war
women inciting war in the sauna
1 came in to sit with doves tatooed on her feet
and passing an older woman who said "sorry"
sorry while running back out & other women
in the periphery
trying to cause trouble
to make me talk
as i had sudden onset of migraine
which some thought would not be fixed
i had no dhe
i prayed & did what the russians might do
already taking cold shower blasts
i turned it upon my head & back
ice cold & fully under
to freeze expansion by terrorists...
next time you are all being followed out
i know who you were & who you are
(this is not a poem at all. It is just something i wrote)
when you turn a sauna into concentration camp,
you turn the grace of god against yourself

still here (battery fine)

what is weird is that my cord is still working but someone is trying to keep my battery from charging.

i'm putting in my updates from micro & then i have a little news

some thoughts

I had the scripture Romans 1:16 come to my mind about an hour ago. Then how there is neither jew or gentile, one above the other, but all are called heirs and friends of God.

I didn't have morning prayer but did a little devotion and then this came to mind, even though I wasn't reading it. What came to mind as well was a song that I thought Maranatha sings but I can't find it..."oh lord, lord you are good, your tender mercies, endureth forever..."

I got some cool things about God. Last night and tonight, when I asked about how to exalt God or praising him above myself or others (other people and their impressive works), I kept landing on verses about lifting God high so that is probably a confirmation on the idea.

Last night I turned right to a verse about how God would bring a country down or some of the people for a time, just to have his own name magnified because it had been ignored. All about God being exalted. And then today wasn't as much doom, but about exalting his name and how one guy was ashamed to ask for assistance of soldiers and things because he'd told the king and everyone that God was powerful enough to help those who turn to him, so he asked people to fast and pray instead and they were victorious. I got this as I was thinking about fear God and not man. and then I found Mark "the greatest commandment" is to love God with all our heart and all our minds.

Some other insights too. The verse I got from the Y basket was about not complaining among brothers and sisters, James 5:9a. And then I thought this doesn't mean we are never to complain but probably not to grumble and argue all the time. The I read Jeremiah's complaint to God, which is pretty frank. He had just been locked up in the stocks, outside a holy temple of God. Imagine. He's the designated prophet and tries to speak the truth and he gets locked up right next to the holy temple, out in public, for everyone to ridicule him. So he says, "GOD! you have made me a laughingstock! God, you deceived ME! I was deceived..." and reading the passage, he goes from being mad at God or saying what he thinks to praising God, and from saying his enemies have been victorious to reaffirming that God is victorious and is the ultimate judge of the heart.

I read about Mary Magdalene too, and how she first saw Jesus after he was resurrected. And the others, how they saw him. Last night thought about and read how Jesus was given this purple robe, just to be mocked in it and then have it taken away and then be crucified. It made me think more about what Jesus went through and this whole idea of how he was being "put in his place" about any ideas that he was "a king".

Just had a lot of new readings and then I am starting to feel a little bit better. I've been trying to get over a bad cold that went to my chest. I have NOT had the same energy level since the nuthouse incident. It is horrible because I am trying to get my energy level back so I can actually get some things done but I'm trying to take it easy to get over the cold too.

Lots of pretty birds out yesterday. Green and black, red, grey with white on the wing, robins, pigeons. Big bird day.

I saw them while walking and when I was looking out of the friend's church window.

I'm sort of keeping up on news, and there is a lot going on right now but my power cord has to be's not totally broken, but needs to be replaced and I won't use the computer much today for research and reading.

falling slowly (again, glens and marketa)

First song to my mind this morning. It came to mind after we were excused from chapel early (no chapel). I sang it while I was making my bed to get into it.

The cool thing that happened was that I slept really well again, for the second night in a row and I think I suddenly just fell asleep right after praying something sort of fanciful about an angel and then I must have immediately then fell asleep.

Sunday, January 30, 2011

church today & other

I went a new church today. I guess many already knew where I went but I went to a Quaker church. I've been to a peace conference by Quakers before, but not worship. They had a board game time afterwards which I really enjoyed.

I then went to the Y and grabbed a scripture. I got one without a reference to it so I have to look it up. It made me think of our Scrabble board because I had put the word "fear" down and said someone could add to it with "ful". The scripture I got was "I am fearfully and wonderfully made". I just took a look at it again. There is a reference. It's Psalm 139:14, "I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well."

There were a lot of messages about "integrity", "truth", and "community." I guess their readings for the week had been on "integrity". I kept thinking of the FBI because of this.

At any rate, it was a nice time.

The song I kept thinking of as I walked back was "Shine Jesus Shine"

I looked up "xen", wondering what it means after I was looking at Waldorf education. Sort of testing my knowledge. I had wanted to make the word xen and asked if that was right, a word. I didn't use it but now found out it is a word for "foreign" or "strange" and is included in the Waldorf school description of how children that go to such schools tend to be less "xenophobic". I also thought I sort of knew what Waldorf theory was about, or what it is based off of (testing my own knowledge of child development ideas and theories. I said, "It's about integrating the whole person, like using a lot of the natural world and physical exercise and things, isn't it?" and though this is very loose, I was right. It's also about cooperative or community agreement I guess.

I wasn't ignorant, at least, about what this kind of child development or educational theory is about, thankfully! But I could learn a lot more.

Saturday, January 29, 2011

Trying to Blow Up My Computer Cord (what's new?)

I thought I'd make a note of the latest attempt to blow up my computer cord.

I had my computer plugged into the wall and at least no torture problems at all. I started writing the Hamas & My Dresses post and the torture quit. But then I heard this weird crackling sound to my cord.

Someone was trying to supercharge, somehow, the outlet where my computer was plugged in.

So I finally unplugged it and it's fine.

There is nothing wrong with the cord.

But I guess someone doesn't like what I am writing about.

I started smelling this sort of burnt rubber or something smell and then there was a literal crackling sound or noise and I ignored it and then finally decided my laptop was charged up enough and to unplug the cord to preserve it from being fried and blown up.
I wasn't having any problems and then someone started up the heart burning/tightening thing here.

I went back to my Hamas & My Dresses post and have been reading about Hamas from wiki. It sounds extremely complicated. Just reading about Hamas makes you realize how many kinds of smokescreens and motivations can come into play when politics are involved.

Which is exactly what's happened with me and my son and our situation.

Look at how mixed up it gets about who is on who's side? There are Palestinians killing other Palestinians on behalf of Israel, and then the exact opposite, maybe, and then Israel allegedly supporting Hamas to get support for Hamas? no, Israel, and then Israel trying to find peace accords and then Gaza trying to find land or peace accords, and then assassinations. I know someone projected an "Aye-ai-ai" to me. I don't know how you would figure out who is for you or against you for sure. Seriously.

I guess Israel tried to assassinate Kaled, which sounds interesting...have to read what happened (failed assassination attempts are sort of interesting, are they not?!), and then this led to an admission of some kind of "Uh..heh heh. cough cough. Er, yeah, um, soooo You guys wanna take one of yer prisoners back...compliments of the house?"

Man. I wish someone would make me an offer!

heh heh...yeah, we sabotaged yer whole life, with help from A, B, Z, and D...Ummm...ya wan't yer kid back?

Hamas & My Dance Dresses

I am reading about Hamas.

I didn't know this, but it says their beginnings were as an offshoot of an Egyptian group! which is sort of interesting, with Egypt now in the news.

It says they are Suni. I had "Sufi" come to my mind yesterday but I didn't look it up. So I just did a super quick glance and just reading the first sentence of the wikipages, there is Suni, the largest Islamic group, Shia, the second largest group, and the Sufi is the mystical branch of Islam. But I probably shouldn't try to describe things because I don't know how they're connected or not.

I just looked at this photo of someone named Kaled, and the flag in the back looks like the material for one of my prom dresses. I had picked out a silk sort of dark emerald green or whatever that color is on the flag, and a pattern but it kept getting screwed up so I just went out and we decided I would buy my dress. But it had the weight, sheen, and color of the flag in the background. Maybe that's sort of teal-emerald green?

It was a solid color and was supposed to be a long evening gown but my mom started pinning it and making it and it just was NOT working out. MOM! I said, after we tried and tried for awhile, "Can I just buy a dress?" and that was the end of that. I think I had planned on wearing the black and emerald choker with it. It was a black velvet band that went around the neck and then had a small black chain for linking it up and there was a circle or oval emerald stone in the center of the throat.

I looked at the flag again. Yep. That's my dress material for that dress. In some light it was almost black, and then very dark green at other angles or turn of light, and then teal or almost turquoise if the light hit it a certain way. I figured it might bring out the color of my eyes.

Now I'm (why am I writing about this on a Hamas post?!)...anyway. I'm trying to remember what I picked out instead. I think I ended up getting a Jessica McClintock dress instead. It was on sale and I remember the woman at Nordstrom (where I went for jewelry) said something about a wedding dress. It was all white. It was ivory satin with very pretty lace over the entire dress.

I had excellent taste! (on that occasion). It was slightly oversize so I had to have it altered, but I loved it so much, we paid for the alterations.

It went just to my feet and had a flounced skirt with a netting underneath to keep it poofed out. There was a v-waistline and it was fitted through the bodice and then sleeveless with a straight or slightly curved neckline. The entire dress was one color, solid ivory or white or maybe it was white! and then had a lace overlaying the whole thing and it wasn't cheap looking lace. It was really pretty. It had 3 white fabric roses at the small of the back. I then said I wanted long white gloves to go with it so we went to Nordstrom and I selected gloves that went above my elbow to the middle of my upper arm, and there were little pearls to keep them on. I wore pearl earrings, and a simple pearl necklace. Then I also chose high heeled pearlescent shoes to go with but the toe barely peeped out from the skirt.

The one item I bought to go underneath was a black lace corset. I had to have a bra without straps and I went with this lace corset that had boning and little hooks in the back and everything. Oh wait. I take it back. I wore nothing underneath. I bought the black corset for a different dress that had no back. I'm pretty sure I went without a bra but there was enough lining so you couldn't tell. Maybe I wore the corset. I can't remember. This is not a good post to mix with Hamas. I think I need to edit.

Then my corsage had a red rose in it I believe. I know it was red and white and then my date wore a black and white tuxedo with red somewhere.

I saved that white dress in my hope chest for the longest time. Then, I kept only the long white gloves, which Alvaro discovered and asked about.

Why in the world did I have these long white gloves and what were they for? I kept them for memories and then they were stolen from me. But I remember when Alvaro found them.

The other dance dresses I had, or all of them listed:

1. Black velvet and turquoise satin short dress.
2. White satin and lace long dress.
3. Gold lame long dress.
4. Black velvet long dress with cape-jacket
6. Turquoise-teal long dress (borrowed from Kelly Halvorson)

Then I had other dresses I wore for semi-formal things. The one from Kelly was sort of semi-formal but looked nice either way. It was long, and dark teal and had a nipped in waist.

The black and turquoise one was a short black velvet dress I had that fell just above my knees and was fitted with a straight skirt. It had puffed turquoise sleeves (in sort of a ball shape, they were short) and a turquoise satin trim at the top of the neckline, which went straight across and then around to the back. The sleeves were worn up on the shoulder or off the shoulder. It was my first dance dress and the only one that was not floor length.

The white and satin one was Jessica McClintock and I wanted long gloves to go with it.

The gold lame was a knock-out-Marilyn-Monroe dress with a wrap around bodice that crossed and a v neckline (the same style of the dress Kate Middleton wears in the engagement photo, how it wraps in the front, except it had the sleeveless effect and was a slim fitting dress). It was floor length and THIS is the one I had the black corset with! Now I remember! I didn't wear a bra with the white and satin one, just underwear and pantyhose. I got the black corset for the gold dress because it was backless and I needed something without straps because it angled around the neck leaving shoulders bare. This is the one where Alvaro saw me and was shocked.

He said, "HOW DID YOU LOOK LIKE THIS?!!!" He sat there looking at the photo with his jaw to the floor. I probably said something like, "Magic" (sarcastically) and
"I was 18 years old. What do you think?" I remember I snorted something to him about how I had been 18 and I was decades older so what did he expect. He never expected I could look or have ever been that beautiful. I sort of looked at him like, "So what are you saying about me now?!" I wore the same drop-pearl earrings with this dress that I had worn with the white dress. I first bought the pearl drop earrings to go with the white dress.

Then my long black velvet dress was a floor length plain velvet dress with simple straps or strapless (so I wore the corset again) and a thigh high slit up the side. I wore it with sky high skinny high heels and then there was a short velvet kind of jacket that went over it and it had a light design on it in gold, red or maroon, and dark green and purple, maybe there was a very dark blue in it. It was a light jaquard design in the velvet? Something very light but sewn into the velvet. The sleeves on the jacket were slightly puffed but not a lot and then long.

On all dance occasions, I curled my hair and had it either partway up (pulled up on the sides) or down. I think I had fresh red roses in my hair when I wore the white satin and lace dress, in the back. I remember this one guy who couldn't keep his eyes off of me that night. I guess there were a lot, but I was surprised because I was so small chested and not even disguising it and I had a lot of attention. I danced with everyone. The guy I remember who fumbled a lot that night was this skinny blond cross-country running kid that acted like he didn't like me at all. He was always wise-cracking about everything and was really smart. His name will come to me. Doug Peppmaier. I even remember Doug went out of his way to compliment me and told me I should curl my hair more but I couldn't figure out what had happened to him because he was all over himself and was usually very dry, flippant, and aloof. I had fun but didn't even kiss my date goodnight. I never did, or sometimes offered my cheek and that was all. I noticed a few guys who showed a little interest after that dance though. One of them I liked but didn't pay attention to even when he joined the cross country team. He later went to Stanford on a full scholarship. No wait, it was maybe Dartmouth.

The last time I saw my long white gloves with the pearls was at Steve Mays house, before he and others allowed all of my belongings to be stolen from me, including personal photos and those white gloves.

Some of my photos and things are with someone else in Seattle but I know some items were taken from or by Mays. Photos of me in the gold dress are in Seattle. My white gloves were with me at Steve Mays place.

I was being tortured and thought how ironic when I pulled those gloves out of one of my dufflebags to look at them. The most bizarre ironies.

What the gypsy in D.C. said was right.


There was too much jealousy.

Which is why I started crying as soon as she said this. Because it was the whole truth.

And then things got even worse.

I guess I'll just write about Hamas from here. First I felt I should edit, but this is my stream of thought, so I am leaving it. My memory of my dance dresses was sparked by seeing the Hamas flag, so I am keeping this here. I remembered my velvet and turquoise dress which I had forgotten about before, and some other things. I guess it's not the actual Hamas flag. I wonder what it's for. It's the exact same material I had picked out for the one dress that never was.

I clicked on the photo and still don't know what that flag is for. One of the Arabian countries I guess.

So I am still looking up information to find out what's going on for them. The one guy, Kaled, I think he looks like George Clooney.

I skimmed/read the Hamas article on wiki and then went to the Kaled wiki. Anyone interested in a really crazy assassination attempt and how many people got involved, should read this. I had no idea. Even the U.S. got involved. The guy got knocked in with a lethal nerve toxin and no one might have known what was going on but then the guys were caught and THEN they asked Israel for the ANTIDOTE. THEN, it gets even crazier...the U.S. demanded the antidote..?!

I mean, the guys who saw that anything was transmitted to his EAR had to have been pretty sharp bc I can just imagine what would happen if any normal citizen said, "And then yeah, this guy came over to me and held up some "thing" to my EAR and then all of a sudden I was feelin' kinda funny...I think I was maybe poisoned."

Yer goin' to thuh nuthouse Clooney--er, Looney.

That's what someone would have done, if the guys hadn't been pretty much caught in the act.

This is a really interesting story.

I wonder what kind of nerve agent it was and what the antidote was.

How bizarre. It's weird to read, esp. thinking about what I was penciling to the 3rd doctor, in his office, "I need the antidote. Please give me the antidote." Then I think I said that to the whole group of medical professionals. "Neethh eee anthithoth pleeeethhh"

By the way, I know it's not just Israel but goes a lot of ways, with different countries. How incredible though.

The other thing that kind of freaks me out is the idea that the Mossad agents had Canadian passports. I really hope my own passport that was stolen so long ago, was never used by anyone.

I didn't do very much today. I have to work on a small resume of sorts.

But I looked up Suni and Sufi and Shia on wiki. It looks like Sufi, which is the mystical aspect, can have Suni or Shia adherents, either way. It sounds sort of like an example of Kaballah, as the mystical element of Judaism for any of the branches. I don't know. Maybe it's a good comparison and maybe not.

Well, now I'm reading about nerve agents. I don't know if I'll ever be able to go to the steam room again without thinking about these things.

I'm glad I didn't know about the misplaced chemical agent from Utah yesterday because I was in the sauna and some woman spilled her hot cocoa all over my pants. (the nerve agent used against the Kaled guy was something that soaked into skin). She stepped over me and sloshed. I didn't say anything and stayed in, as another woman came in, and then washed my pants out later. The next woman who came in, though, I sort of guessed what she did before she said anything. I had this idea she worked for the state in some justice field and she was a secretary for the state, for cases going to the Supreme Court. And I had this idea she was state, but not with health and admin or something. I didn't venture a guess first. I just asked, "What kind of work do you do?" and she said she worked for the state and I asked in what capacity and it was what I had thought.
I had the impression last night or the night before that someone was telling someone else, "She got set up" meaning me. But I don't know what this would refer to.

At least a few people are figuring some things out. Thank goodness and thank you God. I have never done anything that I should feel ashamed of and I have been set up more than once, in more than one way. And I have been an innocent and trusting person. I also know that it would not take very much money at all to turn everything around.

Sauna Drama

I need to stay out of the sauna if some other women are going in.

I am coming out of the sauna with splitting headaches that I didn't have going in. I didn't have a headache, fully, at all, until I went to the sauna and then I was fine until this woman came in who looked fine, and was sort of yuppie and attractive, and we chatted and things were fine until I stood up and walked out and realized my head was splitting.

This has happened on a couple of occasions with women going into the sauna after me, but it only started up about a month later, after I'd been using the sauna, and only after I reported this was one place where I wasn't having any problems.

It was like someone decided to get people in the sauna to try to disprove the theory or my claim that nothing was happening in the sauna.

I didn't really notice anything while talking to the one woman but then I was out and my head just started hurting. It was almost more like someone used something to blast me suddenly. She wanted to talk about plastic surgery and sauna and then teeth.

She acted shocked that I brought up teeth and I wonder if it was that she felt I was hitting on some kind of marker. Then this asian woman came in and sat down. I left and dried off and then I was walking out and all of a sudden, an instant splitting headache. So possibly it was one of the women and possibly it was someone else that I passed by.

Now that I'm sitting in a different location, it's subsiding.

It wasn't a real headache. Some woman dog did this. I am saying woman dog because I'm still trying not to swear.

Because I didn't notice it in the sauna, it may have been someone doing this as soon as I was out of the sauna. I didn't notice it while we were talking. In that case, why would someone do this to me?

I feel like someone is still worried about me and it's not just experimentation. It's trying to harm me and have me talk about it so I sound nuts.

I don't even have the headache now. It was like a sudden instant major tension headache for my entire head and it last about 5-10 minutes total. I never, ever, get headaches like this. It's not part of ANY pattern of headache for me.

It is now 100% gone.

It went from major instant onset and pressure, like something had triggered the blood vessels in my head to expand, to nothing.

This is military or medical technology and there are female dogs in the house.

I had my black rose scarf hanging outside of the sauna, over my bag, and someone just identified I was there and blasted me.

He's The Reason

I was walking to the Y this morning and the song that came to mind was one we sang in choir at New Song church a long time ago. It's sort of a Christmas song.

It came to my mind while I was thinking about Hamas because of something the pastor said last night.

So I played it first this morning and will post the link and then explain what the pastor said.

The pastor or speaker just said that a week ago one of the main leaders from Hamas said "Jesus is lord" and that he wished more Muslims would remember this.

I sort of thought about this, because I know a lot of Christians don't know that Muslims DO believe in Jesus, and they are even allowed to marry Christians because Christians believe in God, Jesus, and have some things in common. They believe in Jesus as more of one of the major prophets and holy.

It is a big deal to say Jesus is Lord though.

I also thought about this because when I was at the MTMHI when the one doctor had me injected with Haldol and I fell down to my knees and prayed for protection, I prayed to Jesus and that people would remember this and see what Jesus did and acknowledge that Jesus was Lord. I had no idea, at that time, that the doctor who had ordered my first injection was named Mohammed.

I just thought it was so strange to hear that about that time or a little after, Hamas had made this remark about Jesus, at least that's what our speaker said.

I'll have to look up Hamas today.

What is also strange is that the other night I had Osama bin ladin come to mind and thought he must be a holy man in some regard, or prayerful, or why would the CIA and others feel too guilty to really do anything? other than track him. I wondered. I'm not making judgment calls. I read somewhere that Osama actually told the U.S. he did not kill or authorize the killings for the 9-11 thing and that Muslims were against harming innocent people. I read these quotes not very long ago. With all the other things I've heard, I had never heard this until I read it myself. So the U.s. didn't, at least initially, go after him directly because he had formerly met with reporters and then U.S. people and said he did not do this.
Anyway, I wore a pale pink today because I'm still not wearing make up (or very much) and figured it would make my skin look better.
I had to move to a different spot bc I had the overheating/tightening of my chest happening and then went to the mirror and for the first time in 2 days, my eye was droopy. The only thing I've had today that wasn't from a bottle is hot water from the YMCA for my tea (have my own Earl Grey). So I moved from where I was.

For the last 2 days, I have not had the droopy eye. Even though I was being tortured and felt effects of various things.

I don't know why I have it now, after not having this for a couple of days. I didn't take any medications or anything. My eye wasn't droopy this morning when I first got up. I was offered a free wrap yesterday and I declined. All of my food has been canned or bottled and I have taken no free food, even from the cafe.

So I think it is from the technology stuff after I got to the Y, with the heart tightening. The only other things I had were Toblerone chocolate, vanilla chai tea from bolthouse farms, dano-in-nino strawberry yoghurt, and then the tea and the only thing that wasn't already packaged or bottled was the Y hot water from their hot water dispenser and I used none of their creamer or sugar.
Now I'm listening to "No Weapon" by Fred Hammond and I have found a new link. It's posted by jwalkerjessie.
Anyway, I moved and was having no problems and now I am again. The head jabbing thing.

Someone is seriously not giving up on messing me with me, and let me tell you, you are not being very smart.

I at least had about zero problems last night. I was able to have a night's rest with nothing going on until one point at night when I woke up but almost all the women in the room did at the same time. Around 10 or 10:30.

Now the head jabbing quit so that's good.
At any rate, 2 pennies fell out of my locker this morning. I have to look something up and then I'll see what I think. The first one was 1989 and then this second one fell and I looked at it and it was 1979.
Oh, also, I'm not connecting the one Dr. to Hamas, by the way. If anyone heard what I prayed, it was this white doctor and I told him to note it in my chart or tell others or whatever because something was going to happen and I wanted God to have the credit and someone to remember Jesus was a name i used in my prayers. So anyone could have heard about it. For some reason, when I was at MTMHI, I had no idea who it was, and I wouldn't say anyway, even if I did know, but I kept feeling like someone had a connection somehow to a group in the middle east that was more radical or activist in some way. But even if I knew who, I wouldn't say bc only God knows the business of others and I'm not a spy or intel.

The only thing I know that I can testify about honestly, is the treatment of me and my son by some state workers and others who I know, firsthand, lied about me. I know, because I am able to give testimony about myself and what I've said or done and whether or not someone has lied to defame me and keep my son from me.
I like this song "We Fall Down, But We Get Up" by Donnie McClurkin. This is the first time I've heard this one and it's pretty good. It's posted by "musicjams18".
I kept trying to play "Revelation Song" by philip, craigs & dean yesterday and nothing would play. But now it's playing.

I also noticed again last night during chapel, someone or people praying and I could "feel" it. It was partway through the role call and then I noticed it again very strong, at different parts throughout the service. I prayed whatever good prayers were sent my way would go back to the same people and bless them and I prayed for my family and my son. For my son to feel the same thing.
Last night I had 2 scripture verses stand out to me. Both were from Luke and I'll have to find the exact passages later but one was about the banquet and how many were invited but some said they had other things to do so the master said to go out and call in all of the disabled, homeless, poor, and others to enter into the house. and then there was still room and they went out into the streets and called in even more people.

I was just trying to find the references to the passages and I landed on Luke 12 in the meantime, which talks about how 5 sparrows are sold for 2 pennies and yet God knows every one of them. And how we are worth much more than many sparrows. Luke 12:6-7.

But let me find the other verses...One was Luke 12:24-34

About not worrying because look at the lilies of the field and how they are adorned and not even Solomon was arrayed as well so God will give us the things we need and have faith. About where your treasure is, there is your heart.

And the other verse was Luke (right after this I think): Luke 14:15-24, the parable of the great banquet.

I was starting to think about these things nd sort of meditate on it, and my hand resting on the Bible and then all of a sudden, I felt that prayer feeling, of other people praying or the holy spirit.
This was one time though, where I sort of prayed first about if I was going to get my son back and I landed on the parable of the great banquet. I'd sort of asked about those people involved and then got the description of excuses. Not sure how that makes any sense, so I just looked at verses that were speaking to me in that moment.
I grabbed a scripture from the basket at the Y today and it was Hebrews 2:1, about paying careful attention to what we've heard so that we do not drift away. I guess the only correlation to the sermon last night might be when the speaker said god gives a thump on the head to those he doesn't let go of, and others he allows to fall away.
I wonder about the parable of the excuses. If some have been invited to help me with my situation re. my son and declined for a variety of reasons. Even for common mundane reasons like "I have to do this" or "I have to go here" or who knows what. I wonder if they are then the ones who are rebuked in the end and don't even know what they are turning down. I thought about it for myself too, and how to apply this lesson to my own life, when I've done the same thing to God. One thing I thought about too, on the side, was how if I were having a royal wedding, I would probably invite some poor and homeless and people from the street if I had read this verse.

I thought about the parable of the lilies of the field and how God will take care of my most basic needs and then sort of laughed at the part about selling everything (which I once took a stab at and look at how it turned out!) but the treasure being in the heart.

Friday, January 28, 2011

Joy Rides (1991) & My Japan Promo

I started thinking about how I used to go on joyrides. I was almost always the driver when it was me and the other girls.

I thought about it because I haven't done that in decades. But when I was a teenager I did and I would laugh so hard, and the other girls would laugh. One time one didn't laugh but got down near the floor of the car. That was Shannon Adams.

Shannon laughed "ahhhhaah...ha" until I careened around a corner and we were on the sides of the tires. I hadn't even meant to do that. But then the car was righted and I was still laughing. I don't think she ever rode with me again.

Then, I used to take the cheerleaders on rides and I always drove in the stationwagon and one time I went around and around and around this circle turn and wouldn't stop, laughing. Then on a couple of other occasions I raced through and accidentally ran over a shrub and bumped a mailbox.

I did it more than once, probably until the time the "horse" appeared. NNEEEIGH!

But I started thinking today of something I had once read about Di and Fergie taking a joyride so I wondered what date or year it was. It says 1991. I did all my joyriding in 1991 or 1992.

I remember because in 1992 or 1993, the car was taken from me and I wasn't allowed to drive the stationwagon anymore. I had to ride the bus my entire senior year of high school because my car privileges were revoked after I drove the stationwagon up a tree (but that was with someone chasing me from behind on a weird rainy night). My senior year was 1992-1993. So probably, most of my joyriding was in 1991.

I might be able to narrow down the joyriding more if I think about it. It wasn't all the time, just a few times. At least a handful of times. I moved to Oregon and went to Sherwood High school from 1990-1993. We moved there the summer of 1990 when I was 15. I turned 16 on October 22nd, 1990 and got my driver's license. I was doing provisional driving before this I think (with an adult). I feel like something is off though. I'm thinking about the Christian school too. I was able to drive the stationwagon until, I think, 2002. In 1990 there were only 2 months left in the year until it was 1991, so yeah, I probably did it in 1991 or maybe 1992!

This feels a LITTLE bit WEIRD.

What is also sort of strange though, is that the first time I ever felt someone was maybe trying to bump me off was that night when they drove up really close behind me in the rain and ran me off the road into the gutter. Because that's why I had to go into the gutter and then sped back out across the road in the other direction. There was no reason for any normal person to do this in the middle of the night on a corner going uphill with no one else on the road. 1992.

I never thought anyone was "after" me then. It didn't cross my mind. But later it did because I remembered how it happened and it was unusual.

I think I was on someone's radar even back then, for some reason.

I was really upset that my parents didn't let me drive the stationwagon but in hindsight, it was probably a good idea. And every time I've had a car since, I've had people running into me in hit-and-runs and all kinds of crap. I was SO upset that I was riding the bus my senior year of high school though.

It was a true miracle that the stationwagon ended up riding up the guywire of the telephone pole though. I mean, that was sort of fantastical. I think that happened after I had already seen the horse.

I can't think of an international attention I would have had at that time in my life aside from some people observing me from San Fransicso to sing opera for them at their conservatory--I was suprised by this, and then I found out a video of me singing had gone to Japan. It was a video of me singing The National Anthem acapella and I found out the school or someone had sent a video of me to Japan and I was upset no one asked for my permission first. I felt someone should have asked me if I wanted to be "out there" for everyone to watch and see, even in other countries.

It was my ex-boyfriend's mother (Janice Bechtold) who told me they'd sent the video to Japan. I have no idea what other countries it was sent to. I was told it was sent to Japan as a promotional video for Sherwood High School and I think one of their exchange programs was with Japan. Janice was really trying to help I think, she was the one who brought me to the attention (I think) of the San Fransisco Conservatory of Music. But it was the high school that sent the video out of me and they never even gave ME a copy. !!!

I saw the video being played, and it was me singing almost the entire song. It sounded good and it was impressive. Perfect pitch, and good clear vocals. Natural.

But I then was upset it went out without my consent and I asked for a copy and no one would give me one.

How many times did the same kind of scenario later play out and then where do I end up after all of this?

As a guinea pig in the dirt and then injected with Haldol?

I want my SON back.

I'm tired of people using, using, using, and never compensating me for ANYTHING.

And then trying to say that I'M the one who is mentally ill.

I have no clue how many other things have happened that I don't even know about.

I should have taken Corey's advice and called Marshall Mathers when I was a kid to commiserate. It is really oddly funny when you think about it.

But yeah, I ended up on the other side of the tracks. With people taking from me and keeping me down (I guess) so they could keep taking and not be suspected. And then defaming me, and going all out after litigation. It's been a real trip.

Anyway, on a more "holy-moly" note, which will maybe mess this post up, but it's something I wondered about, when I used to sing in church for worship sometimes I would open my eyes and it was all foggy and like a cloud and no one was doing special effects. I have turned to this part in the Bible where it says the presence of God or of worship is sort of like a cloud.

I wonder if that's where someone got the idea to bring in all the smokebombs at concerts.

Obama's State of the Union Speech (delayed)

I am trying to watch it but it's not playing. It's just stuck and spiraling.

It's stuck on Michelle Obama. Anyway, I like her dress a lot. I was telling someone that whoever is helping the First Ladies with their ensembles has been doing a really good job.

So far I haven't been able to see it. It's been 20 minutes and it's just stuck right now. No youtube is playing.

I'm not going to make my commentary online. I'm doing it separately and informally for a group to email. But I am noting that I'm trying to watch it.

Today has been better with a little less torture. I wanted to get some things done but I am actually very sick with a cold or sort of bronchitis so I can't really do anything right now. I'm trying to get my health back and then will be more adventurous and get out.

Now it's just stop-starting.

I think Obama had a brand new haircut.

I'll have to come back to it. I've spent 45 minutes now, trying to watch this. And it's not playing right. Right now it's 2:45 p.m.

Now it's 5:15 and the youtube is still not playing. So I will have to try this later I guess. I don't know why it's not working. Very annoying. It's like someone got out of school at about 3 eastern time and started spending their time on this. The youtube quit working at 2 central time or a little bit before this.

It was fine until after 12 noon.

Julian Assange Will Think I'm Crazy Until

He will think I'm crazy until he gets the fax.

Submit Information: Oliver & Cameo To Wikileaks

I'm asking anyone to submit information about anything criminal or of a classified or public corruption nature, to wikileaks.

If somone has tried already, I appreciate it.

Supposedly, giving information to wikileaks is so secure it gets shifted around to different countries and accounts. I think the only person who got caught was the one military guy, who is also getting a lot of support for his actions.

If there is no one in law enforcement or in the U.S. government that you think could handle the information responsibly, please consider making a report or giving evidence to wikileaks.

Where, hopefully, I could then gather more of that information myself and have more to take to a lawyer or human rights group.

Since the FBI seems to be actively discouraging anyone from making a report, maybe wikileaks should take up the slack.

I'm not sure how they keep their sources confidential because somehow you have to first mask and conceal who you are to even submit your information to them. How is this even possible these days?

But if others are making it possible, it must be possible.

Maybe some of you are in other countries or are moving to another country and you could feel safer about sharing information. Most of the informants who would be of any use are in the U.S. though and they are just going along with it.

gift or not?! from youtube

I took a poll and registered for the free gift: a mac air laptop.

I keep having problems getting it to go through.

So is this a free gift or not?!

Then, I tried it again and someone clicked to a different screen.

Oh, read the fine print. It's a scam.

popping out of a cake, my son's cake, white paint & white horse

My son is going to be raised to be a guinea pig for others to make money off of, just like me, unless I rescue him.

As I was writing about popping out of Kate Middleton's wedding cake and how that could be arranged, at some point in the day I was thinking about frosting and all this stuff, and lo and behold, my son was making a cake.

Some big fancy cake for a baby shower and he helped make and decorate it.

My aunt used to make cakes for people, I think, for pay. I had forgotten about that. She's made very large wedding cakes and everything.

This morning I had some impression of my son using his head, the top of his head to push something. Like a bull. Or something. Playing, and I don't know what he was pushing. But used the top of his head to push against something.

And tnen I knew someone was trying to project something about white paint because I saw someone doing this and then last night got to the women's shelter and there was white paint all over for primer, all over the place. But I think I saw someone with a brush and white paint the night before. I think it was in chapel the night before. I was sitting there and had an impression of someone going back and forth with a brush and white paint and thought "What is this? Tom Sawyer's fence?" Then a day passes and I go in and the entire inside of the shelter is patched with white paint all over the place.
The only time in my life that I have ever literally seen something that I realized later, was never there, was in high school.

It happened one time and I now think it had to have been supernatural. I am sure it wasn't mental illness because of when it happened.

I was in a station wagon, driving my parent's station wagon, and driving sort of crazy. I raced down a driveway and then all of a sudden I backed out really fast, because this white horse was racing at us. It was just me and a bunch of cheerleader friends. I was probably not driving very safely.

All of a sudden, this large white horse with nostrils flaring came charging right at the station wagon and then I said something to the others and it was like they saw it too, and we were in backdrive really fast. And then I later went back to that house for some reason, and didn't see any possible way a horse could have been there. I wasn't the only one who saw it though. But I later went back and there was no pasture or anything and I thought it was the strangest thing. I thought it was maybe to keep us safe or warn to be safe. I actually don't know. But I think it was maybe supernatural. And yet I was able to refer to "that horse" and the others talked about it with me.

But later, I went back to the house, and saw no possible way for there to have been a horse there and charging at us from that angle.

This is the only time in my life that I have "seen" something in a very literal way, that was maybe not there. But I wasn't nuts and neither were the other cheerleaders.

Maybe it was just to keep us from running into a house or something, I don't know. But we saw it and stopped and backed out so fast, and I was driving very slowly after that.

I just stopped to look up white horses on wiki. Really, really, interesting. I did not know any of this. I first read about white horses in general and then found "white horse, mythology" and this is the one I thought was really interesting. It seems that white horses have been seen by many people in many cultures, as visions of some kind.

I've had people in my family who reported having one incidence of seeing an angel or different things and I had never seen anything like this. My images or impressions are all "minds eye", not literal things. But then I think about this one incident and that was definitely a 1 time thing and it was real and maybe sort of like having a vision. The thing is, others saw it too.

And then I read that historically, people have seen this before, a white horse or more than one, and maybe not just one person seeing it but more than one. So it's not nuts. No one ever accused me of being nutty when I was in high school or for many years after either. I wasn't accused of anything until the litigation stuff.

The one I saw, or that we saw, was very large, probably larger than normal, and powerful and muscular, and running so fast, charging and I remember the nostrils and it was right at the front of the stationwagon and just came out of nowhere.
I was looking stuff up and then angels and things.

There was no one on the horse. The horse was powerful itself. But what it represents I don't know. It was not a calm horse. I was afraid but it didn't seem "bad vibe" either. I guess sometimes even angels were scary to those who saw them bc it always came with "do not be afraid". It was alarming enough to have had me slam on the brakes and I have never backed out of a driveway so fast...I didn't try to turn around. The horse was coming directly at us and I put the gears up and slammed to the gas to get out and then took off. I think I said, "Oh my gosh!" or something when I saw it.

Needless to say, I didn't have as many joyrides after that, even if I like speed. I mean, we were doing serious joyriding. I may have run over a bush or into a mailbox or two even.

I thought it was protective, the horse. Who knows exactly what it was.

Need Help With Oliver Garrett & Human Rights Complaint

I am putting this post out in order to find someone who is able to help me document abuse against me and my son.

So far, the FBI has not done anything but cover for other people they know.

I am positive that not only U.S. persons but some good-hearted international persons know what is going on.

It may be easier for someone who is outside of the U.S. to help me put together a report of abuse, persecution, harassment, criminal conduct by U.S. govt. officials, and torture.

I called the Knoxville FBI and they said I could talk to someone after what Nashville FBI did to me by trying to have me admitted to MTMHI. However, "talk" is not going to accomplish anything.

And all day I haven't had any problem with the head piercing stuff until now, when I start to write about this. This is the U.S. or the U.S. has people involved or is allowing it.

All of a sudden, it quit.

They refused to give me a lawyer throughout my case with my son, and the couple I was given, were bribed. They were not ever working for me or my son.

I was then finally appointed a lawyer for "appeal" who had gone to a catholic Benedictine college, and this was a conflict of interest as I'd had past litigation against this catholic order. Instead of helping me get records, she went out of her way to stall. She had connections to Washington D.C. That was Tanesha.

She was never a real appellate attorney that would have done anything for us but ruin things.

She proved this in the first few months, with her stalling and refusal to collect records for my case.

This is a case where everything could be overturned almost immediately if the right lawyer or firm got involved. I have the evidence. I just need someone who has the appearance of power to file things in court. Sometimes, a group just needs to know there is someone who is licensed to take care of business, who is not working with them, and who is potentially going to expose things. Even very powerful groups back down really fast when they are confronted with this.

Because of all of the problems, there has been an impression that this is impossible. It's not. It's actually very much on my side, and very probable that I will win. This is because I have not only God and the truth on my side, I have some evidence. What I need is a lawyer who is not paid by the U.S. to cover up for them. Or, a U.S. person who has more integrity than everyone else around them and is willing to go against the flow because it is the right thing to do.

I don't know why someone would help me now, at this point, when I've been trying to find work and help for the last several years, but I have a list of those who would want to say not to believe me, and interfere: from different groups.

I need to discover one thing:

Who will help me put my case together, against the United States of America

or, if it is not going to go that far, then I need someone from the U.S. who is willing to single out those individuals in U.S. positions who have abused the trust of the public and of me and my son and colluded with others. I believe the wikileaks guy could help. I wrote to him and then only a few months later he was being hunted down and charged with crimes.

I believe what has happened to me and my son is very big.

But I know that I can win.

The only reason I've been pushed down to not even work, is because others know it wouldn't even take that much money.

The truth is on my side and so is God.

I don't believe the Jewish will help me. They might help my son, but not me. My family's lawyer, who is Jewish, just thinks my son is fine living with my aunt and uncle. He doesn't care and neither do any of the others. I have been in the way of their other objectives and they are not going to help me. Maybe there are good ones that are different, just like every group, but I was always turned away from synogogues when I used to try to call for help. Even if they are against torture, it seems to me that with their level of intel, they have allowed a lot of incredible abuse against me to occur.

Good Morning

Last night I figured out the headache stuff really wasn't me. I was lying with my head against the wall and had continued pressure as long as I laid there. I decided to try lying with my head at the other end of the bed, not expecting it to work, but wondering, and it quit.

It quit instantly. And then it was never so bad. I had to do a chore so I did and when I came back something was different. The whole time during chore I never had the headache either. Then I went back and in some light way someone was doing something, but it wasn't nearly as bad and I slept.

Then I got out this morning and no headache.

I got Earl Grey again and some oatmeal and oatmeal bars and water and I chose not to wear any make up again.

Today it felt easier. And my skin didn't look too bad because I had rested a little and had a lot of water the day before.

I had no plan of what I was going to wear but I decided on a white shirt. Sometimes I think ahead about what I'll wear but I had no idea today and just felt like since I'd worn my pajama jeans to bed again, I wanted something that looked and felt clean. So, my pajama jeans, my white long-sleeved shirt with a white tank beneath, black rose scarf, and red fleece with my boots.

I noticed someone yesterday who had that very unique color of blue eyes yesterday. I always wonder what race they are and still don't know. English? or Russian? he had a broad face and these very pale but not dull, light blue eyes. It's this one color. I saw him on the way to the museum yesterday.

I realized I'm not really into artifacts museums. I like glass, paintings and drawings, mixed medium, quilting and some crafts, and scupture.

I like looking at arrowheads and clay pots and guns and swords for just a little while and then I'm bored.

I liked this one section about "non-traditional forms of war" or something and was drawn to it and then guess what it was about?

zee spies! That's what I liked, was seeing this gun that was hand-made by someone living in the woods and it was really beautiful and doubled as a cane.

And then seeing other things where people hid one thing into something else.

And then I was just looking for the paintings and finally was excited to hear there were quilts too. I spent the most time looking at these things. A few I really liked and made mental notes on them. There was a watercolorist by the name Krutch who I liked and then I picked out which paintings I liked best and looked at the names. I liked Dury. There were a couple of others. One portrait of Andrew Johnson I liked but it was all the way at the top and I couldn't see it, however, I noticed how the painter had made his cloak with this appearance of velvet sheen and noticed it more than I might usually. With the quilts, the silk crazy quilt was my favorite for the colors and creativity. And I liked the doublet that was in a teal color and I can't imagine the work that went into it. A black and white one wasn't my favorite but I thought it was interesting for the kind of style it was, for that period of time. It turned your eye so that it seemed to be moving, like an MC Esher work. Other quilts were really beautiful or made well but maybe I just didn't care for the colors or design as much as the others.

The other thing I asked about was if there was an underground railroad section but there wasn't. Maybe they didn't have one of those in Tennessee if it wasn't close enough to the border. It was slightly depressing in some ways. At first, it felt just a little bit depressing, with the idea of slavery and seeing some of these interesting Indian artifacts that looked almost like Mayan indian or Aztec ruins and thinking about how much of that creativity was ruined by oppression.

I got to the Y and looked up cnn news first. I read the article about Egypt first and might look at a few more things.
I'm going to do this in a minute but in the meantime I looked up today's common prayer message. I guess it was a good day to wear white?

It is Psalm 51, and has a section about wash me so I am white as snow, make me clean. I was thinking about going to the prayer this morning and then looked up what it was today while I sat here. I dono't know if I'll go or not.

I've been listening to "Our God" by Chris Tomlin this morning, on repeat. It sort of reminds me of "Fix You" at one part, by Coldplay.

As for the weather...I debate on what to say. The thing that's odd is that I sort of, despite predictions, thought...I don't know.

I prayed against it but said, "God, i really don't want it to snow like last time. Last time was fine, and I didn't mind, but right now, it's okay and you can do whatever you want, maybe a little, but if you could make it sunny instead and warmer, that would be great. But it's up to you of course."

Then, we had this really light snow and then it turned to bright sun. I don't know if I am juust able to guess ahead of time or what. ?! Not all the time. I would hate to be the local rain-maker or weather wizard but sometimes I wonder.

I want to look up more about Egypt. Today on the way to the gym I passed this part of a basket or something, along the sidewalk, that made me think about Moses in the basket.

Last night I was feeling really hopeless about getting my son. So many strong powers against it and then spouting off like I did last night doesn't totally sound normal, but it's really a reaction to torture. And then the message was that if God is for you, who can be against you?

And they might be, but I have to have faith in God. What is the biggest shame is how he is now 4 years old and all this time taken from us.

I felt like efforts have been made hard enough to keep me from work again and then throw in the MTMHI event as well. I don't know who in this country or who outside of this country, can help me organize the facts and bring them out to prove my son is mine and that we have been persecuted.
I went to the church prayer at the episcopal church. It was a different reading than what I found online for anglican, through the website "". I don't know who organizes the readings for this one but think it's is from the Book of Common Prayer and today there is a saying about the house of prayer from Joel. The episcopal reading was of Psalm 40 and passages in Isaiah. All of it is good.

Thursday, January 27, 2011

blocking problems affecting heart & media

It seems that I'm right.

When I'm at the computer at least, if the burning is happening, if I put my arms out in front of my chest inbetween the laptop screen and my chest, the burning quits.

I haven't totally confirmed it yet.

I still don't know how it's done at other times.

But it seems like some kind of laser that you can't see.

When my son and I were being tortured together at the house, my son would show up with odd perfectly circular marks on his body, like cigarette burns but I didn't smoke at all and he wasn't around anyone who did.

My baby was tortured.

I believe he is still not safe because I know what has happened to me and I know the State tried to block me from being able to report on his condition.

Sometimes, there is no defect to people. I guess the U.S. just allows some kids and mothers to be viewed as "defective" so they can blast the brains and body out of them, to gangs and enemy delight.

I cannot even list how many people benefit from my being defamed.

Can you?

List a few potential parties that might have motive to have me discredited and not even be able to work. It is really not hard to do.

I also think it's really hypocritical to see so many people following what I do and what "psychics" or others predict I might do, all the way up to media level, and then ALLOW my son and I to suffer torture.

You people KNOW what is going on, get kicks from it, profit from it in some way, and stand by smiling about pajama jeans and not wearing make up and hoping to make all these things "miraculously" happen and you are observers of basic Nazi activity.

You are a part of the problem and you encourage it.

Have you ever stopped to think about how incredible this really is?

viv westwood & torture (& my intellectual property theft)

nI asked God about Vivienne Westwood after reading her article in the Homeless newsletter today. I then opened up to:

"...Men who never change their ways do not fear God." It goes on to say that smooth words are like drawn swords.

I guess I don't get her.

On one hand, as a "homeless" person I would think she is trying to be supportive but on the other hand, some of her actions feel like mockery in some way. It's hard to know if she's wacky and zany and means no harm, or if some of her deeds are intented to be the backhanded insults they come across as being.

Of course the first thing I want to do is move to London and go to all their "free museums" as a homeless person and watch the royals sporting homeless person fashion attire at Prince William's wedding.

Is she one of Charles' consorts?

And how much of the proceeds for her homeless person fashion are going to the homeless?

And then better yet, for anyone who writes in to be supportive, how many formerly homeless people are you EMPLOYING or getting OUT OF THE WAY of?

Maybe if you supported a "Lay OFF" movement, or encouraged others not to obstruct justice in the first place, the rate of "homelessness" would go down.

If she's zany and harmless and just pure innocence and means no absentminded harm, then she might be a joy.

I just don't know.

It may be that she is one of the purest butterflies out there, and just means good and is fluttering with ideas. Or, she may have ideas about how to sound supportive while being degrading at the same time.

I don't like being made fun of, or belittled, by women who might want to diminish my value in others' eyes, with charades on bicycles in scarves, or the mew-mew-miao-miao self-playing piano or whatever it was. As if I am not getting the small inside joke.

If you want me to pop out of Kate Middleton's cake, on the other hand, that can always be arranged. Don't be afraid of the popping sound. It's not like balloons going down or anything.

Guess who I bought my paper from? "Charlie." It's the second Charlie I bought my paper from. First month: happened to be Charlie. Second month, I have no idea. This month: Charlie.

Yeah, some guy named "Charlie" who said he'd been "bitten by a monkey at Vanderbilt". Right after I came out of the Tennessee Museum, like, as Westwood thinks, any good homeless person should do. While we side as muses for the fashion designers and get paid in scorn.

Um, and tortured with no seeming assistance from that camp.

This guy sat in a wheelchair and wore a Vanderbilt tag. He said he "used to work at Vanderbilt" but became homeless when he was in some experiment and got bitten by a monkey. That's what he said. I just paid for the paper and was nice.

If I am adored, I would probably be "at" one of the garden parties, not symbolically represented or mocked there.

I will never get over miao miao miao miao after I am living with a bunch of fucking cats, and being tortured literally. And then THIS news is being relayed to the UK. I had completely lost my voice because of people attacking me, and live in the slums, because of people attacking me, and living with some kind of sponsor of Middleton Mess and then I find out I am a laughingstock all the way to the United Kingdom. Why? unless catty women were deliberately wanting to degrade me. In fact, I had not blogged about this to anyone or told anyone, but right before they had this miao miao thing presented, I had sort of jokingly on my own, sung a couple of songs to the tons of cats, with "miao miao" and I know it was no coincidence. I had way too many things being leaked to the UK when I was living in Wenatchee. From Steve May's house to Theo Keyes, to Tony. I mean, leaking things that no one over there should even care to know about. Including weird things happening online whenever I went to a UK site and having some UK guy who was in the military or had been, saying things about my surroundings that he had no way of knowing about. That's when I was trying to get on streaming webcam so I could prove I wasn't crazy and keep track of my things being stolen. No one wanted me to be able to do that. And it was at Steve May's house where all these things were happening that suddenly, whatever good thing was supposed to happen, was "over". While my legs were swelling up to double size and my heart was about to give out from the torture. This is when I was stupid enough not to follow through and keep my curtains and blinds closed tight at all times. As if it mattered because it seems some in the UK were getting info on the inside of my room, not just what they could see from the outside.

Maybe she is innocent on her own. But not all of the people there are.

There is something going on with Princess Diana's case and something going on with some royal man. Over there, it can't be anything else.

And then I get frickin' shot up with Haldol over half of this stuff.

That's all I'll say about that. Or this. That is all I will say about this.

There are too many joint motives for crap that's held me down. It's not just something to blame on one matter or group, it's a combination at this point and yet the FBI needs to be involved and they are not, and it is probably their own kids that have given me poisoned cigarettes to begin with.

I never asked for the "staircase to heaven". I just expected my rights to be observed and followed and some in the U.S. have spread things to some in the UK to keep me blocked from doing anything and to try to shift the blame too. I don't know who the good people are who are trying to figure things out, but there are a lot of Jewish people involved in this and Catholic too. And I'm sorry, but that's what it keeps going back to. Though I know other internationals who have more exotic religions have also been involved in this.

When I left the YMCA to go to the museum, I had no pain. Then I got there and once I was there, after a little while the same jabbing feeling. I am not kidding. And THAT is U.S. And over here, at the YMCA I am right across from the American Legion building. Then, after about 10 minutes, it quit completely and I was left alone until I got back to the YMCA, and was sitting outside and someone started this up again. I had about 1-2 hours of not having any problems. And there is no reason I should have headache or migraine when I was able to determine awhile ago that someone was triggering them intentionally, to coincide with when THEY thought my period was. I started "having my period" at times that were not true, and this is when someone started triggering them to match.

This began with my involvement with Oregon. It started there. They didn't want to let it go so started things up in Washington. When it looked like I might get ahead in Washington D.C., they then, after a long time, started it up there. Christa and Karen are both connected to the FBI. Christa had connections to Dick Whittemore who had connections to Karen who has connections to NY FBI employees. And there are a LOT of FBI employees who have had serious conflicts of interest in anything regarding my life. This translates to additional connections between FBI and other law enforcement and then U.S. military.

For some reason, Asians too. Because in Seattle, there were a lot of Asians, with ganster tatoos following me around. Christa's boyfriend had ties to Japan and traveled there all the time. He knows Japanese. The Mt. Angel Abbey had ties with monks and zealots in Mexico, Phillipines, and other Asian countries. And Josh Gatov had ties to Thailand.

The other international stuff came later after I was interested in Princess Diana and was separate but certain groups served the same purpose or had similiar objectives of retaliation or covering something up.

I thought it was strange that I was sort of targeted while I was in the MTMHI, with one Asian young man interested in me. It seemed like a normal interest until, when I was being checked out with the "bad cock" pen, this Asian doctor took an interest in mocking me. While I was standing there waiting to be discharged and had a few times of the piercing pain. This is not natural, it's part of their latest arsenal of tools against me. No one believed about the heart problems I was having and then you saw photos of my legs. This has all been masked with use of medications concurrently, to try to explain away the problem. Then, I had someone block the stream of energy that was used in the dorm and what happened? it quit.

It quit because it's real.

It's real and true that my son and I were tortured and have been tortured by various means. It's true that people know it is happening. It's true that it quit when I was with Alvaro from Colombia as some part of a deal--it had to be. Which means people know what's going on. It's true that I've been medicated against my will. It's true that I have been poisoned with a cigarette that was likely tainted with arsenic. It's true that

And no matter what country or race someone is from that's had a problem with me, they have usually had the same religion in common or a political motive.

331 AFR Tn plates...noting)

I also had it happen on Wednesday, at the U.S. post office, one time while I was there. Only once but because it didn't happen while I was walking at all, and then not while I stood there, but then occured one time, was odd. At that moment, a maintenance man decided to come out of the back room in the Post Office with wires and electrical stuff. Like I might want to think it was him. But it wasn't.

The piercing pain in my head....bascially quit about 30 minutes and right now it's 12 after 3.

So it quit again after I started blogging about this.

It's not a normal tension headache pain and it's not migraine. AND, I know that I probably never had "natural" migraines since I figured out they were being deliberately targeted or triggered to occur at times I was thought to be having my period, so I could say and think "It's just my horomones".

It wasn't "horomones". I figured it out by lying about when I was having my period because I had an idea after awhile, that something "wasn't right".

And I'm not going to break my fast against swearing either, just because I'm upset.

I think it starts to sound overwhelming when I start naming all these different ethnic groups, as if it's impossible. But these are people who are with the same groups.

There are a lot of Eastern Indians who are christian or other religions and have no desire to harm me or my son. But that doesn't mean some who are of Eastern Indian descent haven't been used by others to make it all look like it's coming from them or someone else. Some of them are politically motivated though, and will do whatever. Just like when I say "jewish" or "black" or start excluding certain groups...this is when my enemies have then tried to bring in people who are of that same race or group I excluded as responsible, to try to shift blame.

When I stayed with Willie in Maryland, I had no problems. So what does that mean? I don't have mental issues if I'm staying with a black man who is in the Navy?

Before anyone tries to accuse me of bigotry or being nuts, I can list off a whole bunch of people and times where NOTHING bad was happening and I highly doubt that it was because I was just "instantly cured" from a mental illness. That's b.s.

Willie, the black man Willie, wasn't involved with me romantically and he also didn't medicate my food. I was buying my own food. I never had one bad thing happen. Same thing with a number of other individuals. So it's dirty people in certain groups who have been getting away with this and trying to make it spiral out to include as many groups or ethnicities as possible so it just looks impossible to be true.

Well it is true and there are people who know that it is true (that I'm not delusional and I'm not lying about this).

It has affected my SON, and so when I have all these things going on, while it may be difficult for some to believe or understand, there is a lot of making light of this situation where nothing should be made light of.

Which is why, with the magnitude of the real problem, it seems very superficial to read articles about how homeless people have cool clothes and "if I were homeless, I would go to all the free museums and The Mayflower Hotel too".

Here's one for Vivienne: if you want real homeless, match a red knit hat with elastic waist jeans stretched over the belly up to the ribcage and paired with a Winnie the Pooh shirt on someone who is 60 years old.

I know one thing, as soon as I can I am fasting food again, because that was what was working. I know for a fact this was working and I had some desperate psychics wondering what they were doing wrong.

The only problem was that I lost too much weight. Otherwise, I was never doing better. Never. Some of these people are the most hypocritical religious there are, because they didn't bother harming me when they knew I was fasting like this and when I was in church all the time. So half of these people are just hypocrites.

Then, the other problem is that I live in TN in Nashville, and was this a smart move after I claimed my songs had been stolen? at least a few of them?

There are probably some music executives who were happy to have me in the hole too. I sometimes wonder who might pop out of the woodwork and be supporting things against me, who is tied to music here. It would be interesting.

154 WIN TN

I do have people who believe me on that count and this may even be partially why someone was trying to obstruct my creative flow and ruin my voice. Because the ruining of my voice happened. And with medications and torture, they knew they were ruining my creative output and I have people who believed me in D.C. Also, in Oregon and Washington some would believe me.

Which is part of the reason some were pissed and trying to keep me from putting my voice online for others to hear. Or my song ideas.

I had all of my original song ideas stolen by White Horse studios. They asked me to give them my ideas and I did, after I had worked in their studios and done back up on a CD project. I had a huge collection of raw material that was taken and no one got back to me about any of it. That was in Portland, Oregon.

I also had an entire song taken and sung by Jewel and there is just no way around it. It was my song start-to-finish "Do you love me, like I love you? or am I standing still."

That was NOT her song and she did NOT write it.

She may have written some poetry that sounded close, but the entire song, from the lyrics to the melody, start to finish, was a bold rip off of my song that I recorded and sang at Cafe Lena in Portland, Oregon, with some man writing down notes, keeping an audio recorder going and then I had a TON of people swarming me after I sang it. A lot of teenage girls because I had been doing the open mic thing for awhile and people knew I would be there. It was one of the best responses I ever had to a song. Ever. And that man in the background, watching the response and everything.

By the way, the man I did the gigs with? he was a Protestant Christian and he played guitar for me at the open mics. I went to HIS house where his Dad had recording studio equipment and we made a demo of my music and then they refused to even give me a copy. He went to MY church, played for me, and I even sang with his Dad playing guitar on Gary Hemingways' worship team. But after I made the demo, after we'd had good response, I was refused a copy.

And I kid you NOT. He was supposed to be on MY side.

So maybe if there are some Protestants out there saying weird things, maybe they have their own agendas.

Music is money. Sadly, this is what I learned. It's not why I've been tortured, but maybe it's what has helped the slag in support of me.

The only time I got a copy of work I did, was when I sang back up for Gary Hemingway's CD and they gave me a CD. Which was later stolen from my apartment.

The White Horse studio guy who took my material was a Tim Ellis. ? I'm trying to remember his last name. He was short and always wore a beanie on his head for his performances.

I did backup vocals for Hemingway, and then Tim was impressed and I did some gigs downtown and went to see him play the guitar and bongoes in Portland. Then I took lessons from him at the studio. So at one of our sessions he asked me about my song ideas, and I played a few for him, which he liked. He said I had a style sort of like The Corrs. And then said I had a very different play on mix and measure, how I varied the tempo (almost counterpoint but not quite).

I told him I just had some tapes and lyrics so he asked me to put it all together and leave it for him at White Horse Studios. I put everything into a huge manilla envelope, larger than regular business size, and it had some tapes with ideas and lyrics.

After this, no one returned my calls.

I had played the same ideas, somem of them, in front of him, so I know he liked what I did and was impressed. But all of that material was gone. I called and he never returned my calls by office, cell, or email if I emailed (can't remember if I did). All of my ideas and materials, at least in that small set, were gone forever. I gave him my original stuff. He even asked me if I'd kept copies for myself and I told him no. Which is why I wanted them back so badly. I trusted him with my music. Which, now I know is stupid, but I was naive then. I had just worked with him on a music project and why would I ever think he'd steal from me and then disappear?

After this happened, is when I still generated ideas and then started doing an open mic at Cafe Lena. I did it once or 3 times a month. With all original material that I was generating every week. After awhile, people started asking me specifically when I was going to be playing. So I was getting a small following.

I got upset with Erik, his name was Erik _______(have to remember)...because he wasn't devoted to practicing. He was naturally talented so he thought he could just show up and play a brand new song with little time to practice. I played guitar too, but just a little, and then he played with me. We got together at my apartment and his place to practice. I was the perfectionist. When it came to music, I was not a slob. I wanted it to be perfect. It wasn't the way I am with writing where I write on the fly and include all my errors. I was a perfectionist. As a girl, I practiced singing over and over again, for at least 2 hours a day. Or, as a teen, 2-3 hours. I went over the same songs until my voice matched as I wanted it to. I trained my voice to a variety of singers who had a range.

Then, in my 20s I started experimenting with ideas and "mixing". I got tapes and two different cheap voice recorders and I would sing one harmony. Then I played this melody while singing track 2 live and recording it onto a different tape. So I could do melody and harmony. And then I did even more with it, mixing it up more. I even experimented with echo or effect and found this really weird cool place to get good sound, by singing inside of a part glass, part wood spice cabinet. It had the strangest contained sound but eliminated clatter.

I sat in the kitchen with my guitar, facing the spice cabinet that was mobile (I could move it around) and I found that if I put the tape recorder inside of the cabinet, to the back, and left one of the doors open and then angled my voice at a certain direction or angle, this and the guitar had the best sound.

I sang against glass, against windows, against mirrors, into cabinets, into regular kitchen cabinets and then free standing cabinets, and tried out all the different sounds.

I finally made a tape with my own version of the Eagles "Hotel California". This was one that wasn't original but I did something different with it that no one had done. I totally changed it. Up to that point, in 2002-2003 or whenever it was I was going to college at Portland State University, people had done covers, but all fast, with the faster tempo. The Eagles hadn't recorded it differently either.

But then I did. I switched it up and sang it very slow with a haunting, eerie quality to it. And then I laid a harmony track over it and blended it. It was almost spooky in effect, and very dreamy, slow, and sad, not up-tempo.

I gave it to Beau Blixseth.

Shortly thereafter, The Eagles, I kid you not, recorded a "new" version of their own song, done in the style I had done it (but not nearly as good).

I had 3 songs on that tape. All were just covers. The only one that was really cool was the Hotel California one.

Yeah, it was the Eagles song to begin with. But no one had interpreted or recorded it the way I did, until after I gave Blixseth my tape. He said, "How did you do this?!" and was shocked. I said, "I got a couple of tape recorders and then I sang into a cabinet to contain but enlarge the sound".

He never got back to me. We had spent a day in a music store, jointly playing guitar and then had a glass of wine. He was a total gentleman and I had been impressed with his etiquette. He wanted me to be some kind of paramour and I declined. I actually liked him and found we had common interests and shared the same sense of humor. I really did like him, but when he said he had a girlfriend, I said he had to break up with her first if he wanted to have anything to do with me. He wouldn't. Then later he did. He got back to me and said he had broken up with his girlfriend. I said, so you fully broke up? and he said, "Well no, we're separated." I said, "What is that supposed to mean?" He said, "We agreed to separate over Spring Break." I said, "No, I can't do that. You haven't really broken up." So I chose not to be involved with him romantically past this conversation. I told him if they broke up, I would date him.

So then later he transfered colleges and was going to law school in California and told me he was leaving and I was still at Portland State University. I later heard this Eagle's song "newly released" and thought, "It's my mix" (or my version).

It was so much like my own version that I looked up Blixseth family stuff for the first time. I saw that his father had a connection to the Eagles and the music industry. I realized that somehow, my tape had been shared with someone and my idea was taken.

I have no hard feelings against Beau or his family. I think I saw his Dad one day at the Dairy Queen in Wenatchee of all places, or someone who looked just like him. Whatever Beau may have done, I forgive him.

(And by the way, I have many examples for proving I have never been after a man for his money. Ever. Even after I was forced by others to live what I've lived through, my whole history shows that I did not select or try to go after men because of money. Blixseth, Tanzer, others I have and haven't named. With Tanzer, he wanted to date me and I told him to wait. I told him I was too focused on keeping up with my lawsuits and college and that I would be interested in dating more, and really did like him, but was too busy and didn't want to lose my focus. Then I told him I was moving to Wenatchee and he said why in the world and when he tried to call me after I'd moved, I didn't return his calls. I was busy. I have never been a gold-digger even though I've been put down so far I've had to basically beg for my bread.) I never returned his call, from that point in 2004 or 2005. I also wondered if he was connected to Bujanda or someone so just didn't call back. My whole point was to be independent financially and then allow room for my social life. I have turned down rich men in the meantime, to try to get ahead in the smallest way, on MY OWN. For this, I have been ground into the dirt and prevented from having the smallest liberties and rights, by jealous women, fearful upper class or more like upwardly mobile class, and those who have done wrong in defaming me).

But I had a LOT of my music going out to the public (considering) by people who were already established and then I was being persecuted and torn down by different people in the meantime.

I would say the only 2 songs I could identify 100% as amost 100% mine, would be the one Jewel song, and then the Eagle's rendition. I think once I heard a christian song that was just like one I had done but it was slightly more tenuous, like 1/2 mine and 1/2 original mixed in with it. But I know without a shadow of a doubt, that Jewel did NOT write, imagine, or come up with the melody OR the lyrics for the one song. AND she still screwed it up because it was still better the way that I did it. It sounded too canned the way she recorded it, but it was my song. She changed only a couple of bars. Literally.

Then, it was odd, because it was like my house was bugged or tapped because I then heard a couple of clips from songs that matched even NEWER ideas that I had, and I was not sharing them in public with anyone. I didn't go to open mics anymore. There were a few times I heard something that sounded like what I had been recording or practicing on my own, but only one which I still recall because I thought it was so strange and it was ONLY the very first part of a song.

It was a UK artist. A pop or hip hop woman and her song starts out with a bridge of "As I lay me down to sleep..." but that's not the name of her song. I will find it. I'm trying to find it right now. But it came later and totally shocked me once again because it was unique enough for me to sense it was really taken from me and not a coincidence.

These are the only solid examples I could list, but I haven't been keeping up with all the music and genres either.

I had a song I was working on where I used the bridge or opening and then went to my original lyrics. I used this much of the rhyme: "As I lay me down to sleep/pray the Lord my soul to keep/if I should die before I wake/pray the Lord my soul to take"...and then went right into my song. I still remember the exact melody that I used and I have this weird feeling that it's "out there somewhere".

I sort of think the singer is Leona Lewis but I have to check some things. Google is not making it easy for me right now.

I will have to find it later. I am sure it was a UK singer because when I first heard it I thought how odd and then I was shocked to discover it wasn't even a U.S. person but someone in the UK and I wondered how in the world they had gotten my idea.

I will have to check some things out. But I am not making it up and I am not delusional.

On this one too, there are a lot of songs that include pieces of that saying, but I remember the one song because it was done the same way I did it, and wasn't just a "piece" but a whole part and same section or something, and then I remember the song came out just months to 1 year after I had the idea and had recorded it.

It may have been on my tapes that were taken when I had to leave my car in Canada.

I had a whole shoebox full of tapes with song and other ideas and recordings and Canadians were always very mum about who got my car and belongings and then the entire frickin' towing company changed ownership and they told me all records had been permanently erased.

180 UFN or UFI TN (eastern indian)
I want my son back.

And I want those who then convinced others to torture me and my son before I even left to Canada to cease and desist.

I want my good name back.

Because even if I have screwed up and been driven to extreme reactions, torture will do that to you.

I want all excuses for all invasions of privacy and torture to quit.

And I want the FBI to investigate the grounds on which my son was taken from me and the collusion that occured between some U.S. and some Canadian officials.


Well thanks Viv, for inspiring me. Maybe next time you have your fashion show with homeless, you can start out with the idea of a woman who has nothing wrong with her and who has a lot of talent, who is surrounded by others who tear everything from her and whip her mercilessly and then have a child being born who is bloodied to protect the greed of others. Have someone using technology to literally burn and fry the woman and child and then ruining her voice while stealing her ideas and then, on the side you have the guy with the stupid meow-meow instrument playing to the amusement of others as the woman is sitting surrounded by trash and stray cats, with a droopy eye, and her child being thrown in the water by gangsters to have others dive in to rescue him. Maybe you could put money on hooks too.

That might be a real show.

Someone, by the way, quit torturing me while I was writing about the music stuff, I guess maybe afraid about how much I would write about or how much I knew. Then they started it all up when I finished and they felt relieved that they were not going to be in trouble. Right about the time I wrote about the FBI, which is apparently part of the problem.

Last time I had the burning sensation to my heart, I tried something and found out it worked, at least that time...I put my arms up in front of my chest, inbetween my heart and the computer screen and it quit.

However, in the dorm, I didn't have a computer with me so it was done another way and a few times in chapel it's happened and it has to be something else.

And it's not me being crazy.

I have a lot of people who have a LOT of money who do NOT want people to believe what I say.

This Morning

I don't know where to begin with writing today.

I don't know what to write because I feel someone is intruding upon my sacred space. I mean my space of prayer, to God, and talking to others about what they think or trying to reorder my steps or intentions.

That sounds really weird, but it's true.

I want to fast food, because I notice and feel the most power from this. But I'm too thin to do it right now. When I did this for a month or more, I almost didn't eat anything, and I never felt better. I know I am not supposed to fast food right now though.

I still think things are happening in my favor somehow. I don't know how, but somehow.

I wasn't going to say anything about a fast I tried to do and how I feel others may have tried to interfere, and I promised God I would not talk about what I was doing or why, but I feel that whoever is involved in this is not on God's side, even if they know things. Because if they were, they would not be sharing private prayers of devotion with other people or trying to affect these things. It is one thing to talk to other people about certain thoughts, but it's not okay to use someone's personal prayers for mind reading stuff and to play games. I don't like it and I don't think God does either.

I had decided last night that I might not wear make up today, as a fast and for my own humility, and knew it would be embarressing after and while writing about the books I was looking at while in the nuthouse.

I prayed for something important, some great wish, to be granted for doing this. My greatest wishes are always to have my son back, an investigation, my day in court and a normal job and my good name back.

I thought about this briefly last night and then this morning, and I went to the gym with a scarf over my head and no make up but was going to shower and then try to wear no make up. I prayed that even if I looked bad, I would know it is my heart and inner self that shines through, even in my ugliness. I even thought about how Alvaro was so horrible to me when I was in the hospital and not wearing make up and I put it on and oh, everything changes because I have on maskara. I don't care about Alvaro, but maybe I care about myself a little or my future.

Then I got out of the shower and the MEDIA was talking about "pajama jeans" (which is something I've been sleeping in, my jeans) and then how teen girls are wearing make up at younger and younger ages. I felt like someone had spilled the beans about my intent to God. And then it was on and on about "taboo" to wear make up young but no more, and how maskara was a big deal.

I sat there feeling like I didn't even want to do the fast anymore because someone was screwing with it. It made me feel like just "showing them" and putting on make up. But then I didn't. I also felt that this would be allowing someone else, humans, to interfere and try to mess with my own covenants with God. So I decided to put on a tiny bit of white cover up (under my eyes) but I didn't put anything else on. I didnt put on my maskara.

Then I walked out and some man who was prepared to sneer at me, did a double take. All of these double takes.

I then thought, "Maybe that was the point. Maybe someone WANTED me to jinx my own prayer and put on make up and listen to my pride rather than what I was trying to do."

And I am writing this because I think it is of the highest degree of lousiness that someone would do this and be so horrible as to try to relay to the MEDIA what I may or may not do, when especially it is related to personal prayers.

I don't really think I need to "surrender" to that. I feel I need prayer warrior back up to block others from doing this and to pray more myself.

I also do not think whoever is doing this is "blessed" but probably has a demonic kind of spirit and political agenda. I don't care what religion you are--if you are doing this kind of thing, you are not looking like a very good person to me.

I even think you could tread on someone's sexual life or other personal details and probably be fine. But when you tread on prayers and devotion, I don't think you are on very solid ground.

It says even Satan knows the name of Jesus and that his angels are afraid.

So whoever you are, or whatever group you are with, getting your little "message" to the media and having spies & snoops in a woman's homeless shelter, I hope that you get nothing you wanted and that any and all reward goes to me.

There have even been a couple at the YMCA. At least one, and it's just not pretty. I'm staring at "it".

What is the purpose of the media to be so involved in my life anyway, unless I really have more than enough worth and should be employed and not just messed with like this, for the enjoyment of others. No one would care what I do or did unless they were worried about something.
This morning I looked up "Our Game" on wiki and the "Royal Paramours" book. It wasn't the paramours book by Michael of Kent. It was one written by Dulcie M. Ashdown. I guess it was printed in 1986. The one I looked at was a hardback. I didn't read about any of the women though. Not really. Just looked at their photos or paintings. And then turned to this one who I read about but there wasn't a lot of info.

And then last night I had this weird impression of William of Wales. But I think it has to be someone who just "looks" like him. I had the impression while I was writing my blog last night, a look of leaning forward and reading something. But like a hand to the face but I'm not sure what the hand is doing...over the mouth? pinching his cheeks, or his chin? and I didn't see any glasses. But it was like he was looking at something online. I saw it as if I were the computer screen or on the other side of a two-way mirror. It really looked like him though. The expression was serious and focused.

Anyway, I've seen the same thing before and maybe it's just a photo someone else has or who knows. I've seen him do this more than once. And no, I am not nuts.

Last night there was a sermon by a guy who did a pretty good job. He reminded me of my brother. And then even though I had the headache and things going on, I started to notice, separately, the good energy vibe of someone or some people praying for me. And there is NO technology that matches it. It's not a "burning in the heart" feeling. It's soothing. Igt's totally different. I was wondering who it was.

And then too, lo and behold, guess who joined the nunnery? Princess Leah. I call this shelter the nunnery because it may as well be. Curfew at 6:30, chapel every evening, and obviously no one is having any sex. (it's not like the Portland, Oregon shelter I did volunteer work at, where some of the women were having their own kind of sex anyway and didn't care). I looked over to the side, earlier in the evening, and there she was. The same Princess Leah from the nuthouse. Sitting in the nunnery now. I think she's some kind of psychic in some way because of the way she was looking at cards when I was first going to play. I don't know what she was asking the question about, but I turned them over and later thought, "Who knows." But they were all clubs, spades, and hearts. I don't think there were any diamonds. So yeah, Carrie joined the crew.
I am trying to find the woman I read about. There was hardly anything about her. Anyway, she was torwards the middle or past the middle and there was a photo of her I think. She was supposed to be one of the favorites and so discreet no one had any idea for years to the point of questioning whether the King was homosexual. She was supposed to be very witty which was her draw I guess. She was married herself and had about 5 or more children of her own. Eventually they were caught it said and the wife cried (I think). I can't remember. I just read the blip. I almost want to say her name was Elizabeth but I am not sure. Now I'm curious though, so I kind of want to check back and look again. It didn't say this king had a lot of concurrent affairs, I think it was just the one. That's why they thought he was homo. Which doensn't make sense bc he had a wife but maybe they didn't spend a lot of time together. Maybe it wasn't Elizabeth. I'd have to check. It didn't say anyone was punished or sent to Towers or anything.

At any rate, I was curious about personality of the women, not what they were doing. But I only read about the one.

I also looked up the Spy novel by Carre and I am sure I'll go back to that one and read it again.
Thank goodness someone stopped torturing me again. I guess I said whatever they wanted.

I have no idea. But someone was doing the burning thing and I am really tired of all of it. Maybe you guys could practice your healing arts instead of this other crap.

The preacher last night talked about some missionaries that went to Ecuador and they were all killed, including this woman's husband. She and her son left and then they went back when the child was about 7 years old and the tribe that was an enemy all converted and then the woman ended up marrying the man who killed her husband (?!) and the boy agreed to be adopted by him. It was after a major conversion though.
This ENTIRE morning was hell with torture and it just quit. And the sun is coming out.

All night last night, with headache that was not natural at all. It was more like something was causing my headache. Then today in the shower or while walking no problem. I went to the sauna and no problem. Then this woman came in. I started having the headache again. So I moved. I moved so that my head was next to her head and my feet facing the direction of her feet. It stopped immediately. The last time that nurse was in the sauna, I started getting the headache where I hadn't had one before either.

So I thought it was sort of strange that the headache quit.

I am now having this jabbing thing happen a lot. Not the burning, the jabbing, which I know just started because probably, I began writing about this.

The other thing was that I had no headache but then she got up and left and when she did, I noticed this shift and I felt a couple of pains. It was odd. I then had it on that side of the bench. So I sat up to the middle and just sat there and it quit.
At any rate, I didn't have the tightening of the chest yesterday, or last night, but this other headache stuff which wasn't natural and I knew it.
The other thing, was on a psychic note but protecting the person...

There is one woman who I know is very psychic but acts sort of nutty. I have never said anything about her. But last night it was funny because I started at her while her eyes were closed.

The minute I started looking at her, suddenly her eyelids changed from calm and smooth to REM movements underneath, back and forth, like she was thinking.

So I looked away.

Then I looked at her again. Eyelids were calm and not moving. But as soon as I stared, her eyelids were moving, like her eyes under the surface.

I repeated it several times and then instead of staring at her and looking away I just kept staring. She opened her eyes and looked at me.

Then I looked away.

She is one who, once, when I was thinking about her, I said something to her in my thoughts and she turned and stared at me, almost afraid. It was like she had read what I said to her, or knew I was thinking about her.
I am going to the museum now.

I think someone was trying to win some kind of bet and they won so they feel self-satisfied and don't feel they need to torture me now. I don't know what it was.
I had to rest today because my energy level was so low after all the drama and the medication and torture.

But despite all of this I am starting to feel a little bit better and I have to get out of here.

I had a bean and cheese burrito this morning, with a jar of green olives, and an apple. It was a strange breakfast but I needed more than yoghurt today.

I bought Kashi dinners for lunch and cheese and tomato and some other things.
I asked God what he was going to do with me, or what he thought, and this is where I think all these questions and random finds are with a grain of salt because I opened to Isaiah 45:5, at

"...I will strengthen you,,
though you have not acknowledged me,
so that from the rising of the sun
to the place of its settingmen may know there is none besides me.
I am the Lord, and there is no other."

I had to ask, how have I not acknowledged God? but as for the strength part, I guess some of my energy came back.

Then I got the passage about Jesus also being able to heal a man who was possessed by the devil or spirits. From Luke. It would be great if someone else were delivered in their own way I guess.