My New Passport (paid for): Sad Charachure of a "Cameo"

The photos are among the worst I've ever taken. Everything is wrong.

I didn't bother to fix my hair or "powder my nose" or do anything and I'm wearing this awful high collared lace shirt.

It looks like a characachure (msp!) of a "Cameo".

It's a true disgrace.

But I do not care.

I thought about waiting or doing it over but no. I had to do it today, as ugly and pathetic as I look. It's true comedy but it is right.

If I need to be humbled, I have an ugly passport to replace my beautiful one, to carry around for 10 years.

I (SIGH! with arms up) do NOT give a fuck.

In the same way that I chose NOT to give a fuck when I stepped out in a God-awful ensemble this morning, knowing it was God-awful.

This is my notice of intent.

And I feel very, very, good about it.

I will probably have to make a couple of corrections to it, but it might be fine.

Now, if I am blocked, by any unnecessary measures, you have deliberately blocked my freedom of movement and to find peace in another country that might, at any given moment, choose to offer me sanctuary and help me fight a UN claim against the U.S. for what has been done to my son.

I HOPE my fucking eye is droopy in the photo.

Maybe another country will help line up my 2 passport photos: past and present/potential and ruin, side by side.

It is supposed to arrive no later than March 7, 2011.

The 7th.

Yes.

For country I just put: undecided.

This also gives the U.S. a small amount of time to work with, for taking this seriously. If an agency or person in the U.S. chooses to do so, they will be able to expedite their interest in taking my report of corruption and crime and begin an investigation.

I expect no less.

So, as ugly and hideous as I may be now, and as my photo is, and as comical as it is, I am writing this post with a very clear head and it has been my intention to leave this country for sanctuary for over 1 YEAR before I left for Canada with my son.

It was not impulsive.

I also discovered something. There may be a little "problem" with my last passport that someone has been trying to cover up.

I was told that my last passport was "inactive" anyway, as of 2007 because I had it issued in 1997. But then I was given a form for reporting the old passport "stolen".

She asked if I had ever mailed a form.

I said I didn't think so, but I had sent a letter, emailed the Department of State, and had been on the phone several times, trying to figure out what the hell was going on with my passport ever since I had it stolen from me in The Tigard, OR/Portland, OR Goodwill parking lot in 2002.

For all I know, with all of the odd problems I had in trying to even report it stolen for so many years (some very bizarre circumstances), someone else was using it as an active passport and getting MY OWN ASS into a TON of trouble.

My ensemble today: Hideous.

Really truly hideous and I know it.

I had refused, for the longest time, to wear a more dressy wool and fur coat with anything that wasn't "right". To me, that meant waiting until I had a pair of loose wide leg black slacks and black boots. It looked awful with the cowboy boots. Wrong color (this part is for my secret gay friends out there? one?) with the pale beige coat, wrong style, wrong height...everything.

I stepped out today thinking to myself:

"Here comes 'Desperately Seeking Susan'"

I looked like a modge-podge of 80s, 70s, and 90s. Sort of an ugly misfit NY sneakers with long trench look.

I am not sure why I bothered to curl my hair but I did last night. It turned out wrong. I put wrong make up on. I had some of my make-up stolen and knew I needed powder and decided "Fuck it". The store wasn't open in time. And I do not have fucking time for vanity right now. My vanity is checked out, thanks to a week long ordeal with Haldol, crappy food, and Seroquel and torture. It's been great. Not only that, I would have probably typically thought to myself, "I should wait 2 weeks, put on some weight so I don't look so blank and emmaciated, buy the right make up and take time for a photo that could go fucking all over the world, into any potential database, and be stuck there forever."

God can fix anything though. Even a fucking mess, so there I am. Whaddya think?!

I also would have typically worn a plain and undecorated turtleneck. My last one was red. I might have thought, typically, I should wear plain black. But I didn't. I just threw on this lacy and torn 1800s shirt, skinny jeans, my ugly flat brown boots that don't go with the fluffy coat, and hey! let's throw in a glittery black rose velvet scarf too!

Sort of Orphan Annie grows up/"Cameo charachure"/Desperately Seeking Susan/muse for the 2011 set of Old Maid cards.

And I guess I care enough to at least say I didn't care enough. I have at least an ounce of pride.

I AM, afterall, explaining myself.

I forgot what Desperately Seeking Susan is about but I have to look it up. It was just running through my mind over and over.

I just looked it up. Yep. SO right. I will have to see that movie again.

I walked past some other women from the shelter and one sort of looked at my boots and tried to hide a smile. yeah, I know why you're smiling. I am at least getting face powder. I rounded the corner and the store was closed. Hmm, guess I'm NOT getting face powder today. I am not waiting around.
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At least a few women are not so mean now that I've been to the nuthouse.

I should have worn a scrunchy in my hair for the passport photo.
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Well, time to go.

At least, as I said, this is my notice of intent.

Hallelujah!