Thursday, December 31, 2009

Happy New Year's Image

Happy New Years' Eve everyone. This one is going to be, for me, about as exciting as the year my parents went out and partied, and I stayed in, watching some PBS rerun of Kiri Te Kanawa. Boy was that depressing. Oddly, tonight I am in great, calm, spirits.

What is confusing me, is an image I got this afternoon. I was meeting someone new, and I don't really think it had anything to do with him and I didn't bring it up to him. But I saw 2 cream colored foxes or fox-like dogs against pure white snow. On a mountain or hill with one higher than the other. I have not seen any photos or movies along these lines, so I'm very curious. No picture books either. It just flashed up out of nowhere. Solid cream colored beautiful dogs.

Wednesday, December 30, 2009

Energy & Soldier's Return

I have sensed a very strong positive energy for the last hour or so. Don't know what about exactly, but it's nice.

I also found out last night...I was so happy to hear about it...The woman whom I approached in a bar to tell her that I was supposed to say her son was going to be okay, well he's okay still! He is coming home and was in Germany and then was going to be in NY by the time of New Years.

This is the woman who I knew I had to approach and didn't know why, but I somehow knew she had a son and that I was supposed to tell her he'd be okay. She had said, shocked, "You know my son?" and I didn't even know, literally, that she did have a son. I intuitively "knew" as in, I felt God was telling me to say this and I had no idea why. So I found out her son was in the military and his commander and some fellow soldiers had been killed, so it meant a lot to her, to hear this. And to him too.

I got nervous though, because I thought maybe blogging about it might jinx it. I don't know if it was really a good idea to blog it or not, but I so wanted to share because it was one of those things. But then, I thought, maybe someone would then purposefully try to do something...or, you just never know.

But he's okay! He is, and was, fine. I was so relieved to hear this.

It really meant a lot to me, to see her last night and hear this. I had been slightly nervous when I had the image of the blond guy in a wheelchair but I didn't really think it was HIM, but I just worried that maybe it's possible to jinx something. But I guess not. I guess God knows and that it was really for a reason.

Welcome back all soldiers!

I was thinking about getting ahold of that woman from the psychic chat but everything is down--I guess their servers are going through new upgrades and they were flooded with people because of the holidays. So they're doing some repairs.

Hahaa! The New Yorker has a funny cartoon this month. It's a bunch of grim reapers, holding their harvesters, and then one of them is holding a giant kitchen wire whip. He's saying, "I realized I much prefer making frothy desserts."

I guess you have to see it. It made me laugh out loud. It's page 59 from the Jan. 4, 2010. At the back the winners for choosing captions for the cartoons, the one with the bunny shadow puppet is funny too. I like the one where the doctor is saying something about him being drunk.
I just had the nicest compliment from some high school girls who asked if I went to college. I said no and they said oh, they thought I looked about that old. Hmmm. Maybe they were just being sweet. I said I was 35 and they said they thought I was 22 or so. I asked them if they were serious and they said yes. ? I guess I don't have as much make up on but most people think I look 26-30.

Visit With Son & Energy

I had a really nice visit with my son today. He wasn't very touchy feely like he always was when Sue was monitoring, but I think maybe it's just because there is someone new in the room, and I know he likes her, but he's not as comfortable.

He looked really good today and was trying to talk more again, and his speech was normal. He wants to talk really fast, and actually, he does speak very fast, but I don't always know what he's trying to say.

I'll detail this in a little bit.

I couldn't sleep at all last night. I was comfortable, but I just couldn't sleep. Kept waking up all throughout the night. Decent energy and strong and positive this morning. constant all the way through my visit with my son. Maybe in the last hour or so, up and down, but right now it feels pretty strong.

Tuesday, December 29, 2009

Energy & Missed Kiss

I don't know if it's something my housemate is up to, if it's my son, or something about a post I just made and then took down, but I sense a very strange kind of energy. Sad and kind of heavy, but also really deep. Not so heavy as much as very deep. In a way, I don't know. Significant I guess but I don't know how.

As for my ex, one minute he acts like he's totally in love with me and wants to marry me and the next minute it's something completely different. Just up and down. I know it's been kind of interesting because whereas all these guys were hitting on me all the time in just the last week even, now they are all hands off as if they have some kind of respect. I am thinking "hmm. What happened last week?"

The same guy that was trying to get close, and wanted to give me work, and was brushing his teeth in the middle of a movie, suddenly clams up and says he can't kiss me because he thinks of his Dad and it wouldn't be respectful. I tried to get someone to kiss me, just a kiss, and he sure wanted to last week! and this time it was like...

I said, "What? now you can't kiss me?" He said it "wouldn't be right". I said, "What do you meeeaaan 'it wouldn't be right'?" and I said, "Why? What am I, a guinea pig in some psychic experiment and you can't cross the line?" and he said no. He said he thought about his Dad. He sure wasn't thinking of "daddy" last week. I said, "Daddy? Now you see, 'Daddy' shouldn't come into this. You put 'Daddy' in a corner over here, and get on with your life." I told him he shouldn't be thinking about daddy if it only comes to a kiss. I told him I had said I would kiss him, and not barely even that, and certaintly no more than that. THEN, of ALL things, he says, "You're too old."

I think I cracked up laughing. I aged in a week. Even though I was just as old last week and he knew it. So I said, "Well I can't remember how old you are. How old are you?" and he said "29". I thought to myself, back at my own house, "Remember, it's Wenatchee."

So he was saying this about daddy and that about my age and finally I said, "Okay fine, I'll just keeping running in my little hamster wheel" and he cracked up laughing. I think I called it my guinea pig wheel first and then I was calling it my hamster cage. I made this little motion with my index fingers, like I was running in a little wheel.

But it was right. I had been sitting there, thinking to myself the whole time "I already know I'm not interested. So why am I thinking about even kissing him. Do I really WANT to kiss him? No, not really. So is it because I had 2 beers? Hmm, maybe, but last time I had gin & tonic and didn't want to do a thing and I told him I never would and that when I knew, once I knew, I knew. So why??? Well, he can't get over his girlfriend. Maybe it would be a charitable thing to do. One kiss." So I reluctantly ask him and was surprised to find myself being turned down!

Yes, I AM waiting until I'm in love to be with someone intimately and even make out. But I had been thinking one small kiss probably wouldn't hurt anybody. Maybe he turned me down because HE hadn't been drinking. That would be a first.

But then I thought, hey, maybe it's just fate. Even my ex doesn't want to touch me now. It's like, "presto", insta-respect for my future man who is going to be, poor thing, beat up by the time we're together, for making me wait so long. I don't know who it is. Maybe it's even my ex? No, I really don't know. But anyway, yeah, even a kiss didn't seem right somehow so I'm glad there was nothing.

Hats off to his "Daddy".

Oh, and I only brought up the psychic thing to him because I saw his shirt. I told him that word had come to my mind one hour earlier so I was joking with him that I was in the middle of some kind of psychic experiment. The word on his shirt was "lucky". He wasn't going to get lucky, per se, but I thought, I could do so much as to give him one lucky kiss. I think about it now and can't imagine. I asked him why the cooler teas (they weren't really beer) were hitting me harder than the gin & tonic the other night.

So I went back to my house, and grumbled out loud, "too OLD!" hhmmmmph! Where the hell am I, anyway? munchkinland? My second thought was "Wow. I guess I really need to quit smoking." My third thought was "Aunt Glenna married someone 10 years younger in Canada and they're still happily married!" No, i wasn't thinking marriage but just about this "too old" business, which is garbage, especially considering the kind of technology out there. After maybe several thousand, I would be a knock out (I say to myself reassuringly).

Anyway, it's better because I really don't feel like even kissing anyone unless it's right. The last person who wanted to kiss me I wouldn't allow, saying, "No, you'll never get over me if you do." He laughed saying, what did I have some kind of magic kiss and I said, "Men who haven't really wanted to fall for me, do, after they kiss me and I think you don't really want that." Which is why, I suppose, I am so sure this other guy could have gotten over his doldrums about his ex if he kissed me once and that was it. But he said he wanted to process things naturally and not "rebound". I was like, "This isn't him. This must be his twin because LAST week..."

Glad for the respect though. Good progress on the whole, for mankind in general.
Vibe was okay today, pretty constant. Then down a little bit and now, since about 7:20 p.m., seems very strong. Like a switch. Hopefully it's not bc something bad is happening and rather, that something good is going on or people are praying.
So anyway, i should clarify that when I first got the word "lucky", it just entered into my mind thinking about something else, but it was maybe an hour earlier and it also had to do with some other guy. Then, I so happened to see the same word on this guy's shirt. It was a total coincidence and I told him so but I joked around about it.

Volunteer Work

Some of the volunteer things I signed up for are moving along and others will probably pick up after the New Year. I haven't heard back from one or two so I'm keeping my eyes open for the right things to be involved in.

The one that's still constant is the one for peace and which discusses different political ideas. The next one should be really interesting because someone who was at the conference in Copenhaagen is going to be there to share, and then there will be discussion about the Israeli-Palestinian conflict. I'm looking forward to it.

Work for me, too, will pick up after the New Year I believe.

Dreams & Clarification Of Blank Paper Incident

I didn't have any dreams last night. I thought I was having a dream this morning for a split second and heard, "Number 9? I hung it up last night." But it was just my housemate talking to some man who called him on the phone, I guess his boss, about work.

But no dreams and slept well, considering.
I want to clarify exactly what happened with this dream an Australian woman talked about, and how it later seemed to "come true" in my own living room. I didn't get really concrete details from her, as to the kind of bookcase and kind of paper and that sort of thing, but I thought I would describe the details on my end, in case, and to explain it better to people who might strongly wonder what in the world this was all about.

I don't know what kind of bookcase she saw in her dream, or what size or kind of paper, but she just came on, asking if anyone could interpret a dream or had ideas as to what it might mean. She saw blank white paper falling to the floor from a bookcase. That's all we got. I said maybe it meant she needed to communicate with someone. Others said similiar things.

Then, I got off that site, and I don't know if I accidentally hit a book with my foot or what, but there were two stacks of books, on shelves, under the computer. So they were not tall "bookcases" but in a way, they were holding up a lot of books and there was white computer paper on top of both sides of the stacks of books. So I must have accidentally hit something (nothing just "fell" of its own accord) and all the books came down with a very loud sound and then white computer paper slid down or across and onto the floor.

I didn't think anything of it. I didn't connect it with the dream at all because i wasn't thinking the stacks were "bookcases". But then it happened a second time, and that's when my housemate mentioned the other thing that had happened the night before, and I was shocked because I realized it fit the description of the dream, but was just different from what I expected fully.

So I didn't pick up the books and paper at all. I just went to bed and left everything. I got up the next morning, and was online looking at Di photos or something, maybe articles about the royal family,(as I think I had been the night before too) and I sat in a chair cross-legged and was bouncing my knees up and down. I wasn't touching the other "bookcase" or the other side of the stacks of books at all. But I think the motion from bouncing my legs caused them to then fall. So, all of a sudden, boom! again, this time from the other side, the books all fell down and as I saw the white computer paper sliding down, that's when the dream hit me. I looked again and all I could see was blank white paper and a road atlas, which had been beneath the paper and it was the only "book" where a title could be seen.

So, these things happened naturally, not by some unseen force, like something sliding off all on its own, but it was still very strange, because I sit in that chair and do work all the time and the books and paper have never fallen, no matter what. I've accidentally kicked the books and jiggled my legs or bounced my knees, and nothing has ever happened. Not with my housemate either.

When it happened the second time, I immediately thought of that woman's dream. I just sat there shocked, not even remembering the same thing had happened the night before. But it hit me, and then I told my housemate about it and he said, "Well yeah, and I heard something fall last night too" and then it hit me, that this had occured, not once, but twice.

Which, I think, is a little bit strange.

After it happened that first night, I didn't even make a connection with it. I got into bed, and I had no images that night. The only thing that came to my mind was the phrase "William is psychic" a few times. I don't know why, but it was likely normal stream of consciuosness because I had been looking up articles and psychic stuff (not about the royal family though).

I prayed that night, before I slept, for something really amazing or miraculous so people would know the existence of God, and I prayed it would really reach someone in a powerful way. Then I fell asleep. No dreams. I think I got up that morning and took a bath and took one of the Di books with me. Instead of reading front to back, I had started torwards the end for some reason and was reading the last 1/3 of the book. I read about how William had said he'd had trouble sleeping on the night his mother passed away. I am pretty sure I read this AFTER I got "William is psychic" but I am wondering if I read this first and got the idea? I don't remember. It could have been I read it the night before and then the phrase came to mind. But then I got out of the bath, and I was at the computer and the books and paper fell a second time and I wanted to tell the Australian woman, and then, because I'd read William hadn't been able to sleep that night and because I got this idea he was "psychic" I wondered if anyone in the royal family was.

So I typed in "Prince Harry is psychic" first and nothing came up under this. Next I typed in "Prince William is psychic" and I got found some woman had dreamed that he was and this was a secret. I had also had the impression it wasn't something that was really "shared" much. So I found another woman thought this and it was the first time I'd been to that site or read such a thing, and then I tried to look for more about royals and psychic stuff, just out of plain curiosity. I couldn't find anything else really. I only found the part about someone having a dream about William and then I found some kind of crazy sounding articles about "THE PSYCHIC ROYAL BLOODLINE" and mergovian kings and stuff, but it didn't sound very credible. However, I think a lot of people have psychic gifts and it's just a matter of allowing it and maybe some of the royals have discovered this is true for them, like Diana.

Then I kept trying to get onto the site and it's been down. As for the Australian woman, I have no idea why I'd have a connection with her and her dream.

I guess I wanted to clarify so no one thinks I'm trying to make something "fit" when it wasn't completely exact maybe. I don't exaggerate and don't want anything to sound more strange than it is. I'm being honest and feel I have to stay faithful to what I receive or maybe God will close the doors if I'm not.

But yes, I personally feel what happened with the books and paper falling, right after we were talking about this dream--I don't believe it was pure coincidence. I don't know what it's really supposed to mean, but maybe it will mean more to someone else. It wasn't a traditional bookcase, but there were books stacked up on shelves, so in some sense, it was, and then the computer paper, blank and white, was on top of the books, on both sides and it came sliding to the floor.

I am thinking though, I looked up blank white paper and this is a common dream with an interpretation. Anyone can find it online. Maybe someone just wanted to throw something out there and then see what people came up with? I don't know. It's possible. Because I was sort of wondering if it was another person trying to make something out of Diana because they quoted a saying about chestnuts. Something about a lot of chestnuts in a bag make noise but one in a bag doesn't make noise. And then she was saying she hadn't talked to her sister in 4 years. That's about all I remember. i remember thinking the chestnut saying was ringing a bell in connection with Di but I don't recall how.

At any rate, it did happen, what happened next with me so maybe it is a message to me, I've no idea. After she asked about her dream I put on the song "Unwritten" by Natasha Bedingfield.

Monday, December 28, 2009

Thank You For The Prayers

Thank you, you who are praying for me. I really appreciate it and can feel your prayers too. Please pray for protection for my son too. Thank you so much, anyone who is looking out for us. God bless you. I'm sorry I don't have a way to bless you more than just praying in return, but thank you.

I sensed, almost 10 minutes after making the last post, someone's prayers. A kind of dread, and then something lifting and I know it's because of good thoughts and I'm very grateful.

I and my son want to do good things in this life and I hope we'll be given the opportunity to do so.

A "perth-etic X-mas"

I am wondering if talking about Di and the royals, and writing about her, is only causing additional problems for my life. Most, a large majority, has been really kind and supportive. However, a few others have cropped up.

I had problems before, yes. However, a lot of people come up to me querying whether I think I "know" who may have "bumped her off". Then I have people in chats telling me they're welsh (or having profile of such) and then making thinly veiled threats. It could just be smokescreen for some other thing, I don't know.

I got harassed on one site, by one or two individuals, and was booted off (I thought without reason but I think I did unknowingly misrepresent myself bc you were supposed to give your real age and I didn't) and the end message I got was:

"Have a perth-etic X-mas". It was from someone in UK. On the same chat someone was talking about having a "marry christmas" to someone and a lot of Di and royal family references were used. Then, it seems, I couldn't go into a chat without someone bringing up a Di reference even if I'd not mentioned her at all...bringing up things which were her favorites or topics associated with her. Supposedly, this is with no one "knowing" who I am as I kept my profiles anonymous.

Some of the other harassment, just regarding me and my son, and direct threats or veiled threats, have been from people mainly in OR and WA and then a few odd ones, like from out of country.

I swear this is the truth and I kid you not. In one chat I'm not usually in, where you can just pop in and out, I had someone tell me I was going to end up at the bottom of the river in a suitcase.

Ciao Ciao

The man from Chicago, who said he was Swedish but clearly looked Italian and spoke like an Italian, who was from out of the area and talked to me this morning, said to me, before leaving "Ciao Ciao". I didn't know why he said "ciao" twice and then I looked it up online. The other meaning for "ciao" (aside from goodbye) is "slave".

Chat Down & Dynamo

The chat I was in isn't just down on my computers. I tried some others and it's down everywhere. I think it's the most bizarre thing. I told this other guy, just now, about what happened and he thinks it is totally weird. I joked yeah, the site is probably down because the military and intel agencies are investigating.

So, so, strange though. I think it's good, I didn't get a spooky feeling from it at all, it was more of a miraculous thing. Hmmm, I don't know about miraculous, but a sign of some kind and the books were not moving on their own really, it was more like this woman had a precognitive dream and was asking me about it and then it happened. Twice.

I got to this guy's house and he was wearing a shirt with a word on it that I had seen "flash" in front of me just an hour earlier. His shirt had the word on it. That was kind of weird. He's still wearing it.

Then, tonight, the word "dynamo" came to mind. I didn't know what for. I asked him and he said he thought there was a video game with that name. I typed in a google search and came up with different electrical generators. I don't know. Maybe it's for something else. Somewhere, someone said "dynamo!" or who knows.

Visit With My Son

Today Michelle was monitoring the visit with my son. My son stalled again, not wanting to leave the visit. It wasn't too bad today, but he did try to stall and stay with me more.

I brought pistacios and some other things for snacks but all he wanted was the juice and then to take everything that I brought, with him. It doesn't matter what I bring, if it's from Mama, he wants to take it with him. So he took the whole bag of pistacios, along with the other things.

We got in and he wanted to play at the control station of this ship and I played with this "man" and he had "the robot" and we made believe. He said we were visiting the dinosaur and pointed out where the dinosaur would be, and then he said there was a dragon too, a friendly dragon. We played with these things for a long time. Then he started talking and just telling me what was going on in his life. I gave him a piece of gum and he told me all about strawberry shortcake and some strawberry gum he had wanted and I guess there was some confusion at his daycare over who got gum and where it went.

He brough up, on his own, his owie, and showed me where his fingers were healing, and then he said his eyes both itched and hurt and he rubbed them a lot but wasn't just pulling at one in particular. I noticed white marks have appeared in his nails, his fingernails, just a couple, and I don't know if it's from a vitamin deficiency or something else. He said something about blood on his gums and I couldn't tell for sure if he was saying he'd had blood on his gums or if he was talking about "Nessie". He talked animatedly but I really feel he needs to be in preschool.

He is able to copy anything I say and I just wonder why he's not saying as much in complete sentences.

Then he wanted to read and the first book he wanted was one about school. He was really happy to point out different things in the book. He also told me he had been playing outside and making "tracks" in the snow. :) He's still into "tracks" and was wearing a John Deere tractor shirt that he was really proud of, because, I think, it has a tractor and it also said something about "tracks". It said, "Big tires make big tracks" or something like that. He sure loves tractors and John Deere. When he was still with me, I took him out to see the tractors all the time and he loved watching them in motion and then I also took him to a tractor and construction machinary shop too and he loved it. It was a big John Deere store and it was right across from our house then.

Then he wanted to read a Dr. Suess book and he was really into pretending like he was at school and I was the teacher. So he sat in a little chair and watched me as I read, facing him in another chair. Then when he chose the story "Runaway Bunny" I asked him if he wanted to sit on my lap, as he usually does. He usually sits in my lap was into the idea of school today. The print and photos were so small I encouraged him to sit in my lap so he could see better because he was rubbing his eyes and Michelle did make note of this and didn't have a problem with it at all. She just made a simple note. Of course, I'm sure she'd heard about my "dream" where she and I were "partying" and was probably slightly amused (or amused to no end, no doubt) but she and I just did our own thing--she took notes and I just played with my son.

As for Michelle, she and I didn't exchange words at all but I was also impressed with how she held someone off from interrupting our visit today. Someone was there to take photos of the room and came in during the visit and Micehlle asked them to come back later if they could wait and I thought she handled it in a very professional manner, to minimize distraction.

So anyway, as soon as I said sometimes you could sit on someone's lap even in school, he happily sat down and I read the Margaret Wise Brown book to him and he got the sweetest little smile on his face and asked me to read it again.

He wanted the school book read twice, a book about puppy's once, a Berenstein Bear's book "Santa Bear", the Dr. Suess book, and then he wanted "The Runaway Bunny" twice. Then finally, one about Simba from The Lion King, three times. He was really into the little bunny one and pointed out the mother blowing her little one back and he liked the one where the mother is walking a tightrope to get to her little one. These two scenes were his favorites. It was really cute to read the bunny one to him because of this sweet little smile he had on his face as I read.

We also played with playdough. He said he wanted to make "a robot" so we set about making a robot with playdough. I showed him too, how different colors will make another color. I took a piece of blue and a piece of yellow and blended them to make green and he was really into this. He watched and silently mouthed the colors and directions to commit to his own memory. He was really into learning how to blend colors and thought this was fascinating. So I tried to make a robot sort of unsuccessfully. So then I made a dog and it did look like a dog. He was cutting it up, the playdough, in the crocodile's mouth and watching to see how it worked. So instead of having him cut up a "dog" (even though it's just playdough and he didn't think about it) I made a tree for him to cut into firewood. I think it was more for me than him, but I thought it would be better to "cut" something that is commonly cut as I felt a little weird about a dog getting cut up. Call me a nut, but I had to make a tree instead. So he cut the whole tree into "firewood" and we then made a pretend bonfire. I said, "Do you want to warm your hands by the fire?" and he leaned back and said seriously, "No, it's hot!" Then he said, "We'll make hot dogs and marshmallows" and I said yes and we had the crocodile eating hot dogs and marshmallows.

It was realy cute. He talked about his cars today, Mater and "the doctor" and was really into telling me about this and also told me he'd watched some Bible movies and one with Madagascar.

I can't remember which movie madagascar is from. But he wanted to share with me today and it was nice. He used a lot of words to try to fill me in and looked me in the eye as he talked, and nodded.

Oh, just looked it up. There's a movie called "Madagascar". That must be it! Or one of them, because I guess there is a series.


The energy was a little bit sad or different, but my son looked like he was in good condition except for his eyes still bothering. He kept rubbing his eyes. I said hello at a homeless shelter club I've gone to several times, and got coffee, and then went back to detail my visit. I sense a really powerful energy, good energy.

Some people said they'd be praying for me, at a coffee shop, and I have some things I can get done today as well.

The energy is so strong, positive I think, that I can't really focus right now. I will have to detail the visit in awhile I think.

Someone told me this morning, while claiming he was Swedish when he came across as pretty much Italian, well, he was encouraing but he said something about how he got respect but respect doesn't make money. I thought about that. I need money, but more than money, I want to be someone worthy of respect. He wasn't saying he didn't value respect and it wasn't said to me, in general, but I thought about it, for myself, as I was walking to my visit with my son. Well, I take that back. I want money AND respect!

It was fun to talk to him though. We talked about writing.
I just want my son and a simple kind of work is okay with me.
This energy is so extremely strong. Either something is right or something is really wrong and someone knows and they are praying and their prayers are powerful. It's 1:07 p.m.
I don't know why, but for the last half hour I have sensed sadness. Really heavy, sadness. I don't know why. It's 2:30 p.m. I am so glad and so fortunate and so happy to be moving into housing. I am signing papers today to get into an apartment so this is all very good. I don't know why, then, I feel this deep heavy sadness. I feel like maybe my son is unhappy? or is it something else I don't know about?
3:10 p.m. It sort of improved after I wrote this, flashes of good energy coming through. I signed the papers but I know there is something significant in my life or with my son? or something that someone else maybe picked up on. Even now, I think something is really conflicted. I don't know what it is but I know I must protect myself and be cautious in every way, and also be open to what God wants to do.

I also have to be keeping an eye open for something else because he's planning to put his house on the market in a short time. So I have to keep my eyes open for something else but hopefully I will have a reference out of it. I have to find something where I might sign a 6 month lease but this is good for now.

But I feel like I am still waiting for something. I don't know what it is but if I ever find out this feeling is about someone in particular, I know that's the person I'm supposed to be with. If it's something else, I would say it's my son.

People have choices and anything is possible. That's what I think. And as soon as I write this, I feel the good energy again. 100% positive about it. I don't know, for sure, if I should even get all the furniture. I think it's something for the interim but I have to find something more permanent and I would feel better about it. I think it's kind of a short term fix.

I need to figure out how to get my son back. I don't have other options for housing right now, so this is good for now, but I know there is more and that I have to look for it. I have to be very careful with every decision that I make right now. I am thinking about my son and the most important thing to me is that I am free, in every way, to be who God wants me to be, and that I am not trapped by anything--also that my decisions are not negatively affecting those I love. I need financial independence and I don't know if it's even possible here?? On one hand, I need a ton of money, but on the other hand, all I really want to do right now is work in a preschool and have my son with me. I really just want to put my full attention and time into him and nurture him and have him happy. I want other things for myself too, but when he's in school, I feel then it's my time. When he's not in school, I feel it's my job to look out for him and attend to his needs and then when he's in school longer days, I could work during that time. Otherwise I would like to work with my son having access to me.

I'm thankful I'll have a little time to try to pull some things together, but I...I don't know.
Actually, for all I know, I have 6 months there. He's not putting it up for a little while.
energy has been strong today. At one point, not regarding a vibe, but I saw this guy in the bookstore and he didn't say a word but I somehow think I know he has an accent. Don't ask why. I just thought so. He wouldn't say a word.

Car Crash (I Didn't Do It)

I got out of my visit with my son and was standing there. There were police outside and inside for some reason, don't know what. Then more police, about 4 cars total and really, it didn't look necessary because there was nothing going on (to my knowledge). So I was standing facing the road as more police come in, and BAM, right in front of me, a car crash.

Everyone was okay. No one harmed at all. One of those fender-bender things. One officer walked by me and I said, still standing, "I didn't do it" and he cracked up laughing. I can't tell how many times...

So then I'm walking by the crash and a couple state workers are pulling out, one glaring at me and looking at the wreck, as if I have the evil eye or something.

The attention of the police was then on the new wreck.

Kind of weird. But anyway.

I wonder if I should walk around with a little "magic wand" like, a stick with a pink star at the end or something. That would really freak people out. Car crash? I'll stand there with my little wand and give it to the police when they arrive, and say "I didn't do it." No, a wand with a pom-pom at the end. No, with a big wobbly eyeball bouncing around. Yeah....donna mess with me or I'll look at you!

Anyway, I was glad everyone was okay. They got out of their cars right away and were walking around and seemed to be fine. The one guys hood was totally folded back which was surprising but he looked okay and sort of shocked but fine.

I should have handed over my red lipstick to the officer as I said, "I think this is causing a lot of trouble."

I'm totally joking but I think I've witnessed about 6 car wrecks, in front of my eyes, in the last 6 months.

Link Broken

I think someone was thoroughly freaked out by what I wrote. haha. I don't know, but I still cannot get onto that site and I get partway and then the link breaks or is disconnected and it's not happening with any other site. Oh well. I tried. Someone doesn't want me to be talking to someone in Australia I guess. Who knows.

I felt a calm and steady energy all day yesterday, until after I talked to my ex and then it was heavy and sad or something for awhile and then leveled out. I don't know why it changed but it did. Then this morning, at least right now, I feel fine. Good energy in general, but I am really trying to figure out what to do about this case with my son because at this point, nothing is being done to help me reunite with my son and my rights and his rights are not being protected.

So I am contemplating what to do. I might have housing as of today. At least, that's what I was told, and supposedly I'm able to sign papers today. If it's true, then I can start making up his room and mine. I still have to have work and other things.

It's a little after 8:30 a.m. and I feel a very sad energy. Sort of strong and something positive again, but very mixed with sadness.

I see my son today and I'll write about our visit, and then go back to notes I made from the last visits, which I haven't detailed yet.

Sunday, December 27, 2009

Dream and Impressions

I didn't have any images yesterday. I read in the tub again, and looked up Di stuff and in this one book I read William had said he knew something was wrong that one night because he couldn't sleep. I don't know if it's true or not. However, right before I fell asleep I thought "William is psychic." But that's just from a normal thought process, to think something after reading it. I think maybe it's happened more than once with him though. Men are harder to find, who will admit to it. And of course the future King isn't going to broadcast to the world, "I am a little bit psychic." Right. And disaster follows. Next thing you know, he's charactured (msp). Maybe you could say the same thing but use different words. Harry may be as well. Who knows.

One interesting thing happened this morning. Last night I was talking with some people in a chat and one person said she had a dream that blank pieces of paper fell from a bookcase and this is the first thing that happened this morning after I sat down at the computer. It's probably coincidence, but I sat down and was bouncing my legs, while sitting in a chair cross-legged, to "Can You Read My Mind" (first song of my day) and then all this blank white paper slid along with a road atlas, from a shelf of books. And then I thought about what she had said, this woman, about her dream, only hours before. She was from Australia. I think she said Brisbane, Qdl, but maybe that was the other Australian. She asked everyone what we thought it meant. We all discussed this for a significant period of time. (whoo-hoo! mind connection! doo-doo-doo-doo). How weird...maybe she'd had a precognitive dream or I'm just in synch with something she's about to do. I'm sure it's coincidence (or not) but it's interesting!

Can You Read My Mind isn't working now so I'm onto "Human" by the Killers. woo hoo! Did a little "spirit dance" to "Human". Felt good to dance. Very celebratory.

I had a very long and detailed dream about Will Wagler and Michelle Erickson and some other people. It felt like a regular dream. Will detail. I don't remember everything about the dream with Will, but it was really long and we talked forever. I remember seeing these shoes which I don't think he ever had, because he usually wore a certain kind (won't say what) but these shoes were black pleather loafers and he was younger. Then, I was babysitting for some people, a dad dropped off two of his boys and I was watching them and we decided to go for a bike ride. I saw their bikes and then we went outside and went for a ride. Next, Michelle picked me up and, lol, we were partying together. Then she was driving me back and was in this old white or cream truck and I was saying it sure didn't maneuver well and it was bouncing all over the place and she then just revved it up and took the truck on it's side, careening around at full speed like a race driver, and she wasn't being mean, she was laughing and having a good time and I was holding on for dear life. We got to this fair or something and drove through and then she was out and going inside and I switched the pace and asked if I could have my son back. I thought she was going to say "No" and I said, "I should have housing and work in a month maybe" and instead of saying no, her face then morphed into a woman's face I haven't seen before, some older woman with a longer, sort of thin nose and not much make-up and the woman said, to my surprise, yes, that should be possible. So I stood there in shock, wondering what had changed. The woman looked very tired. I then said I would get his room together then and then I woke up.
Just looked up Brisbane, Australia, out of sheer curiosity.

Listening to "Romeo & Juliet" by The Killers. Last night I sang a Leonard Cohen song and "Create In Me A Clean Heart" (old gospel tune) while in the tub.

"Create in me a clean heart O God,
and renew a right spirit within me.
Create in me a clean heart O God,
and renew a right spirit within me.
Cast me not away from thy presence,
Take not thy Holy Spirit from me.
Create in me a clean heart O God,
and renwe a right spirit within me."

It's very pretty and came to mind last night. As well as "Fix You" by Coldplay which I meant to play, bc I always think of Diana when I see this video. Oh, here are the actual lyrics, or, I guess, the text which it's from:

Psalm 51:10-13

English text

Create in me a clean heart, O God, and renew a right spirit within me. Do not cast me away from your presence or take Your Holy Spirit from me. Restore to me the joy of your salvation. Then I will teach transgressors your ways and sinners will turn back to you. Redeem me Lord, I pray.

I heard this version of "Girls Just Wanna Have Fun" the other day and found it just now: I also really love Lauper's original video for "True Colors". With that hair, and the drum.

I went outside and heard shooting on the range, over in the mountains across the river. It echoes all the way over here but you can only hear it if you're outside. I have decided I'm going to try to take a class for women here, like this one guy mentioned to me. It might be fun.

I would like to find a small prayer circle too, with people who believe in God but also intuition. But because prayer circles sometimes turn into gossip circles, I would sort of like to have a coordinated very small gathering where we get together and just pray in silence, but together. Maybe share our experiences a little, but when praying for others, don't have to bring up all the details but can pray in unison silently.

After I wrote a post yesterday about how I thought someone wanted to talk to me, afterwards, the energy lifted and was positive. Woke up and felt great too. Sort of feel a little sadness in the last half hour, about 11:30 a.m. here, but want to do some praying today and praising God and dancing. Sometimes I don't know what to pray but praising God seems to straighten things out. Just that alone. I still don't feel like choosing a church here yet. It's that my prayers have been private and I feel more connected to God without distraction but I have tried some churches here. I have been hiding out at home most of the holiday season. Regrouping and taking time for me, to get my strength up again.

I typed in "Our Father" and got "Our Father Who Art In Heaven". I know the prayer by heart, since I was very young (4 years) but haven't heard it in song for awhile. This one is very pretty:

Sort of onto piano now. Here's "Give Thanks":

This one is jazzy and very fluid: Hmm, a little too much intro-like throughout though.

The lyrics to "Give Thanks" are:
Give thanks, with a greatful heart
Give thanks to the Holy One
Give thanks for what he's given unto us, Jesus Christ, His Son
And now, let the weak say I am strong
Let the poor say I am rich
Because of what the Lord has done, for us
And now, let the weak say I am strong
Let the poor say I am rich
Because of what the Lord has done, for us
Give Thanks.

(I think I'm missing some words and will have to add to it)

I don't like keyboards, but this is a nice blend of improv and playing the song as it is: Some renditions have a sad feeling but this one is more joyful. I am listening to it over and over...found the one I like most, so far.

I sometimes seriously question why in the world I get the "recommended" videos that are "recommended" through youtube. For example, today it was this one: What's the point? I can't imagine this is a big internet hit. ? and I feel sorry for the dogs. They don't look happy at ALL. I don't like it when people tease, poke at, or dress up dogs or animals. THEY don't like it either. Some dogs have it really good, and others...are probably wishing they had won a different doggy lotto.

I had someone tell me recently to check out The Humane Society. I might. Maybe. I care about animals. I'm not a fanatic by any means, but...I don't know though. I get depressed when I go to the Humane Society, seeing all those poor animals locked up. Makes me sad for them. It's sad animal energy. But I support trying to find homes for them, for sure.

I told my housemate about the books and paper falling and he reminded me that it had happened last night too. It happened twice. It happened after I was online, and going to bed, and books fell and paper came down but I forgot about it. Then it happened again, from the other side, when I was sitting here this morning, other books fell and white blank paper came down. lol. I know, I know, it probably is nothing, but it happened twice, and this woman had just had a dream about the same thing happening and wanted to know what it meant. For her, she thought it was to reconnect with some people in her family or share with them some news she didn't think they'd want to hear.

I just asked my housemate if he thinks this is weird. He said yes, and said those things never fall. They've never fallen since I've been here, not once. Until last night. It was computer paper, sitting on top of books. And it happened twice.
I looked up "prince harry is psychic" out of curiosity to see if anything came up. I couldn't find anything. Then I typed in "prince william is psychic" and this piece came up where a woman had a dream that william was psychic but it was kept a secret. This is the link: i sort of believe it. I don't know. The first thing that ever happened to me, before a bf said I was psychic, was when I was even younger but I probably just didn't know what it was. I got out of bed, knowing something was wrong, I was maybe 9 years old, and I knew my kitten had been killed. No one told me, but I knew and finally my parents admitted it. They had just found it that night. I guess, going back before I remember dreams from high school, this was something I remember.

I have felt very level and peaceful energy ever since this morning. A sadness for a short time, and then a sense of absolute calm and peace.

I tried to get online earlier, but there have been computer problems so my housemate got a router to make the connections more secure. We're still figuring it out...It's taking over 4 hours and he's still on the phone. I wanted to go online to let that Australian woman know what happened! Now I'm able to get this one on through a public connection but it will be good to have a more secure one. I don't think I want to try going online to find that woman again until I have a more secure set up.
Just read something about the rosary. From an Eastern Orthodox link but it is, I think, the same as the RCC or early church one. But I had thought the rosary was just repetitiously saying the same phrase over and over, but then I read there are decades that are remembered and then it is to remember different people in the decades. So it's a way to remember different categories for prayer. I prefer that idea, to just saying the same thing over and over. I like the idea of it as more of a helpful reminder.
I cannot get back to that site. I've tried and it won't let me go back. It says "broken link". I'll probably have to wait until tomorrow. I can't get on.
(hours later) I still can't get on. Tried all the computers in the house and none will allow. Link is broken sometimes and other times connection lost or whatever. I wanted to look up that woman and let her know. Another time I guess.

At any rate, I wonder if I'm making a bigger deal of this than I should? my housemate is a practical type of guy and he says no. He does think it's really weird. I think it's strange because it happened not once but twice. But how does this happening affect this other woman's life in any way? why would she so happen to be in the room at that same moment with a dream to share? I don't know.

I do know that last night, before I fell asleep, I prayed to God to reveal something miraculous or in some way, profound. I thought I might have a dream that was significant but my dream may have just been a dream. What I thought was significant, rather, was the connection between this woman's dream and what happened after she shared. Maybe that's not a big deal either, but ya never know!
i got another sectoral heterochromia comment. So fun. Have to go back and respond. I think this has been my most popular post. It IS really kind of fascinating, because of the possibilities of anything from chimerism and lost twins to genetic links to "royalty" to eye's all possible.

Saturday, December 26, 2009

Sad Vibe

I feel a sad vibe. Heavy and very sad. Not me, but maybe partly me, because I am thinking about my son. Otherwise, I'm looking up Princess Di stuff (photos) and reading, in general, lifts my spirits.

I think though, that there is a sadness out there or something happening. I tried to get onto CNN again but it was down. I started feeling the sadness around a half hour to an hour ago. Now, it is 3:54 p.m.

I sort of feel like someone wants to talk to me, maybe more than one person, but I don't know who.

Dream Last Night & Impressions

All dreams are not prophetic whether they're nightmares or sound like wishful thinking. Usually, dreams are just dreams. I read yesterday, some research that's been done on dreams, and it's something like 10% end up being prophetic or foretell the future. In another study, 75% of the participants had the majority of their dreams end up meaning something, but I think that number is far too high. Otherwise, we'd see a lot of people giving speeches while naked, we would fly, and the like. SO, I take dreams with a grain of salt unless I have this marked feeling that it really does mean something.

Last night, I dreamed I was trying to get housing and it was one problem after the other. Then, in my dream, one group was actually giving me housing and the other group was upset about it. Some guy came tearing down the driveway and when he came back up, the front of his car was like an angry animal. It literally had the head of an animal, a vicious one. He was blond or light brown hair and 40 something or possibly early 50s. In my dream I looked for his license number when he passed and it was "6076" and was in Washington state. In the dream, my vision was blurry and I thought it was a G076 at first but then saw it was 6076. The license plate, in my dream, only had 4 numbers.

Then I was looking at the other housing, which wasn't as nice but at least I was getting into something, and I was standing there and then there was this man in front of me who was blond and he had a tow-head little girl. Well, there was a line-up of other people, common middle-lower class people, and then this man whose face I couldn't see and I wasn't in love with him in the dream, but he pulled me closer, behind his back, and his daugher then reached out and rested her hand on my leg. Young girl. At least, at that moment in the dream, I was just meeting him for the first time or something or it was a future thing.

Then I woke up thinking I wish I'd lied a lot more in my life. About how good my vision is, what my personality is like, and other things, so that it would have been more difficult for people to try to get to me, who are not friends. I thought about getting glasses for my near-sightedness and I also remembered having people in Oregon quiz me, literally, about my eye-sight and while I may not have told the whole truth, I wish I'd lied about things like that, which are no ones business, more.
I didn't have any concrete images at all, but I kept having fleeting impressions of Prince William, that something was wrong, but I may have been seeing the past, from after his mother died. I kept seeing this very restless sleep from either nightmares or pain. I was worried too that it was that something wants to get ahold of him in a spiritual sense and is trying or was trying to work against him. It scared me but I can't put much stock in it because some things are just imagination entirely and don't mean anything.
Nevertheless, I woke up feeling positive energy. Just balanced actually. Last night was very hard but it wasn't all bad...there was something very strong but it was just mixed with sadness. But by this morning, everything was balanced. I felt better after reading a few verses from the Bible last night and did so again, same passage, this morning. I'm hoping for a good day. I think I am clear headed enough to pray more today too.

Friday, December 25, 2009

On Queen's Message

I'll have to find a youtube clip but I've only seen her photo and then an article. I have no idea why, but I find myself caring about the Queen. I think it was first by surprise because I had a few dreams when I never read about her and only focused on Di.

She doesn't look very happy in this photo I found but I need to see the youtube video. I have more to say I'm sure, but in a moment.

I don't know why, but I just saw one clip and it brought tears to my eyes. What is wrong with me???! I felt proud of this message, and the mention of the responsibilities of christians and yet I felt so sad that her mother isn't there. I need to find a different clip though because I'm not sure I got the right one. Also, I noticed, this song that was playing was "My Country Tis Of Thee" but it was for England. Is this the tune for "God Save The Queen"?

Oh, so this IS the official footage. Watching again. I like that willow tree that's in the first scene by the water. One of my favorite trees and that one is especially beautiful.

This keeps cutting out on me. I might have to try my other computer. I have to say, as an aside, some of the NUTTIEST and most frightening messages appear come from people commenting on the clips. I mean, fanatic sayings of hate, but then mixed with good normal sayings too. I'd be a little bit nervous too...thinking of that woman who bounded upon the pope today. Can you even imagine? I mean, to bound uponn anyone, but then someone who has all this security. Anyway, I need to find out if this clips flows better on my other computer.

It does work better, and I tried the royal channel with no problems. At any rate, I have nothing to compare it with because I've never watched one of these before, but I thought it was a very good speech. It was right on, I thought. The part about how we're all going through difficult times but to try to think beyond ourselves and work at helping others as we still refuse to give up on having a better future. Very good. And good to honor those fighting at the start too. I was so proud too, to hear mention of the word christian because while she is defender of the faith it is hard these days to bring things up sometimes without sounding exclusive. However, I do believe that while everyone should have absolute freedom, and england has, in modern times, been very tolerant and accomodating of diversity, it is also nice to see a traditional reminder of the heart of faith.

That part with Harry. As soon as I saw his nose, I burst into a grin and a laugh. There is nothing funny at all, about his nose! It's just cute and it makes me laugh. I'm used to seeing these childhood photos though. I've seen more of the kid's photos so seeing him grown up and then the grown up profile, is sort of cute. I think I laughed because when I saw him grown up there, and so serious and juxposed (wrong spelling) this with the idea in my mind of his 3 and 4 year old profile, it, I don't know. I have no idea. He is so large, I thought. He looks very large, doesn't he? Tall, but broad shouldered too, at least here. I noticed this too, with the skiing trip clip, that he is actually larger than William! He looks dignified, and I think that's what made me smile, because I usually see the child photos if any at all.

But the Queen. I really just wish she didn't have to go through holidays without her mother. I don't know who, besides her nana Bobo (just read about her! is she still around?), she can talk to...I mean, what other woman?

Hmmm. I don't know anything about the commonwealth but I remember a long while ago something "weal" came to mind. I didn't know Malaysia was part of this...My grandfather's 3rd wife was Malay. I suppose I should look it up. I think her mention of creativity and innovation was good, and I liked the mention of family of nations.

I looked at a bit of the clip from Di's funeral...or no, rather the Queen's address about Di. It was sort of painful to watch as I sensed discomfort from the Queen and also didn't want to think about that at the moment, but she's not that much different than how she gives her address here. She's serious so maybe it comes across as sad but something seems sad to me anyhow.

You can see she is very proud of Harry, when the camera pans to her as she watches him lay the wreath. She's relaxed, watching him. Serious but seems relaxed.

It was good to watch. I also saw a clip where Michelle Obama gives her a sideways hug and I thought this was sweet even if it broke protocol.

Nicolas Cage

I seriously cannot believe it. I cannot believe it! This guy, whose name just came to my mind one day while I was taking a bathroom break at a visit with my son...well, it just flashed to mind, just the name and nothing else and I knew I had to pray for him. So I just sent up a general prayer.

I documented this in my blog. Well, something like 2 days later, or maybe up to a week later, the news slams in that he's having to file back taxes. And then one major lawsuit after another after another and JUST now, ANOTHER!

I know I'm not always "getting" the right thing when something pops to mind, but this is one time where I am actually really bewildered and surprised myself.

I swear, I never thought about him, ever, or read about him, and I can't name a movie even, and the most I remember is how he and Lisa Presley were married.

Anyway, I don't always get confirmation on things and I know sometimes I must be wrong about stuff, but it's really encouraging to see that there was a reason to pray for him and I'm not nuts! I felt like a nut, praying for a celebrity, but it was one of those times where it came from out of the blue. I knew it was real, but didn't know why at all.

Anyway, I hope everything works out for everyone involved in that mess. I have absolutely no info to go off of, but I really do hope it all gets straightened out and I'll send up another prayer tonight. Or now, since I'm thinking about it.

I hope that there are other times something I've said means something to someone, even if they can't tell me how or why.

Prince Charles & Copenhaagen

I read Charles' speech on the environment, or the article about it rather, a speech given to people at St. James Palace. (is that right? palace?) and then I saw a blog article by a man who made a point of how Charles took a private plane and Gordon Brown took a non-commercial flight on the same day to get to Copenhagen. So the point of the blogger was that it seems hypocritical to discuss how changes must be made within 7 years but that he took a private plane.

I think Charles' work is good. But the blogger also brings up a very good point. I think that there would be more continuity of the idea if Charles and Gordon could have taken a commercial flight. Obama, I think, also doesn't fly commercially.

Unless it's a safety risk, it doesn't square. If it's a safety risk to fly commercially, I think this point should be made and explained in some detail. This would create more support for the other ideas to begin with.

It was a new step, I guess, for the Queen to take a public rail, and yet this was very smart. It saves on expense and she's not even talking about saving the environment.

The only excuse for flying on a private plane, especially if one is concerned about environmental things, is perhaps for safety because if someone important was on a commercial flight it might be more difficult to ensure security and that a hostage situation wouldn't take place. It might be that public figures like the President and others, don't have enough security to examine all those on board commercially or have a difficult time keeping the time of travel under wraps to prevent an exuberant fan or fanatic to board.

I think they fly privately for safety reasons, and it's also safer for the public, in general, if they are not also put at risk simply by being around a possible "target". However, I think it should be explained in some way to alleviate the appearance of double standard.

heavy vibe

At around 3 p.m. I started feeling the sad vibe. It wasn't me and I was chatting along and joking, but I sensed something. It's been off and on since then and now it's 4:25 p.m. It's now almost 5 p.m. and the very heavy vibe is there.

I started praying and it didn't help. I prayed for various people and for things in general.

I was feeling sooo burdened with something, but I didn't know what. So I went to CNN wondering what was going on in the world.

What a day! Today was full of incidences, all over the world. I thought, maybe I'm just picking up on the general vibe through. I don't know.

I'm starting to feel a little bit better right now and it's almost 6:30 p.m.

I felt like it had something to do with my son. So I tried calling the Avilas and no one picked up. I need to see how he is on Monday and cannot wait. I can read a lot about what he's going through in those 2 hours.

Listening to Natasha Bedingfield's "Angel"

UPDATE: 10:00 p.m. Things improved and lifted and then just got so sad and heavy again. I feel this horrible heavy sadness. For whatever bizarre reason, I write this, or it's after writing my latest post...I almost immediately sense the good energy. Gosh I wish a had a press-button for this thing, this whole energy thing. I guess I'll look up the youtube clip on the Queen's message and then get back to this. My housemate put in "White Christmas" which is such a great movie but I just haven't been focusing on Christmas too much. No Christmas music and no movies. I haven't been depressed but I'm afraid I might be if I do and don't want to risk it!
Hmm, this is a good movie...I'm being drawn in. The dialogue is great and of course the dancing. I like the sister-mister song too. Hahaaaa! "So you don't think I'm the kind of woman who goes around throwing herself at a man do you?" he says, "Of course not, nobody does..." Hhaaaa. I love the fighting scene with the couple before and then this just had me laughing out loud.
11:58 p.m. finished watching "White Christmas" with housemate. Tired. Up and down with the energy thing. Strong, but bittersweet, strong positivity but sadness. I don't know what it's about. Probably partly me, because of my son. Yet something else too, I know it. I don't know who or what though. Like someone's heart is breaking almost. But I don't know if it's a world situation, trepidation, or a person. It's like a war, an internal war. Someone or some group, and there is something that wants to break through or break free. Of what, I have no idea. Maybe it's a collective feeling. I keep meaning to pray more. I did tonight, about 20 minutes, but not enough really. Kept getting distracted by the vibe and not knowing what it was or is. I think there is a battle between good and bad forces and just a lot of conflict and turmoil in the world right now. That might be it. It may be that a lot of love and understanding is needed. I feel this generation and the next, are crucial because...I am serious, that scottish children's minister is absolutely right--children are the future and they become adults and shape the world and if these children do not have firm foundations and self confidence to start with, if the way they are raised or nurtured changes, it will change the world dynamics as well. She had advocated for welfare mothers, while getting on their feet, to be able to have their children at home with them.

I think it is sometimes more difficult now to find people of sincere faith or hope, who are able to blend this in a practical way, with the realities of life and disappointment and I strongly feel that if their childhoods are disrupted and unhappy, it will create problems later and will carry over and make the world a more difficult place to live. It's not just about having a mom and dad or 2 parent home, it's about having one on one time and being raised to feel ones worth and yet to be able to endure sacrifice for the right thing. Without that attention or love and care, it makes for shakier foundations and I think, makes it more difficult for adults to weather storms or stand solidly.

I wouldn't know how to fix this. I might start thinking of ideas, but I don't know. Then this, blended with the economic problems, has increased the upset. I hope everyone can work together more instead of in a survivalist manner. But there has to be a way to balance things out.

I keep hoping for a kind of goodwill revival where good intentions and hope is infused into everyone's lives, in a spiritual way, regardless of religious or non-religious affiliation (or non affiliation). I feel this wave of something very positive needs to heal and strengthen people.

I got onto a tangent, but the vibe is so strong and positive but meloncholy too. Like there is love somewhere but there is also despair.

It may be, too, that I am sensing just the impossibility, currently, of changing minds about doing the right thing with reuniting my son with me. I feel there are so many bad motives that have gone into this and there is a stubborn steel will that is barricading things, just a punishing factor involved. Without regard for my son at all, and maybe it's the greiving of my spirit and I'm picking up up on it intensely tonight.

Read John 14:21-31 tonight. Good passage. About how christians who say they are so, will keep the commandments and will love the sayings. About the peace which is given to those who will believe. I might read the next chapter too, chapter 15, which follows, about how the great commandment is to love one another and those who are true will do this, and how those who are persecuted for trying to do the right thing will have understanding with Jesus. Also, about abiding in God.


I saw the word patience today and I realized I need more of it.

Sigh. I've been really, really, patient. But I need to relearn it and start back, ground zero, as if no one has ever tried my patience constantly.

After being patient so long, it wears on you...and it's true that literally "run out of" patience. And then it's just shorter fuse for everything.

But I need to maybe do meditative thinking, roll back the pages of history, and start over with a new surplus of patience, as if nothing has ever happened.

I have felt patience is one thing I had an abundance of...there are many things that I lack, but I thought patience wasn't one of them. And really, it does take a lot to ruin my patience. It had to be something very very bad to cause me to react outwardly in any way, because I had this forebearance.

Then, after so many years, it was something that I had in good store which just ran out! Now, I have patience for children still, an abundance, but not for adults as much, especially in certain circumstances.

The trick is, maybe, to acknowledge some will purposefully "try" ones patience and to have gained wisdom about how to deal with this, but then, also, to take any and all damage done from this, and just roll it all up, all the way back, and start over new. I see it sort of like a very large scroll and it's come to the end of that scroll and I'm dropping off, or only rolling it back a month at most. But I think I have to roll it back to the beginning, and then imagine I am the same person now as I was then, with this reserve and control.
At around 3 p.m. I started feeling the sad vibe. It wasn't me and I was chatting along and joking, but I sensed something. It's been off and on since then and now it's 4:25 p.m.
listened to Blue Moon (old tradional song) and then Selena. "Dreaming of You".

Merry Christmas Photos

(I did "I love you" wrong. I didn't realize until photos were taken so it's not any kind of symbol except for I love you "done wrong")

(where's the crop?!)

(these are supposed to be "I love you" in sign language signs, but I think I have my hands backwards--does that make it "I love me"? lol)

(I wasn't joking when I said my hair was a little 'ratty' like a horsewomans. I'm out of everything! I'm out of hairspray and gel and shine and out of make-up practically...I am thinking "Go on disability until I get my unemployment just so I can still try to be pretty now and then?" It's coming down to a choice between "pretty and nuts" and "ugly and sane". I don't know which one is better.)

(this is the one where housemate cracked up, saying I had the same smile as the horse, and I burst out laughing bc it's true!)

(I need a bigger horse)

Me, on Christmas. Me and I brought in some old rocking horse that belongs to my housemate, for a tribute to my dream that I had where some woman gave me a toy horse with a ribbon around the tail. Lol. In one of the photos I was told, today, that my smile looks like the horses smile.

I have Psalm 35 in my heart today and I had the verse come to mind last night, as I was journaling, the one from Isaiah about mounting on wings of eagles and renewing ones strength. Finally, Paul's words on the peace that transcends all understanding, and to be thankful in all times, good and bad, for the good things that the Lord has done. I have one enormous debt of gratitude to give to my Lord who keeps me strong in the worst possible circumstances and who protects me and brings me peace and assurance, in the middle of very hard times and persecution. Even with what is going on with my son, I hope that it can be said of me, that my strength is amazing and that it will be known the credit for anything remarkable from me, comes from God. I keep thinking about King David lately. The King David going from cave to cave basically, made to move around without respite.

As for the photos, the place is kind of a mess! The housemate told me to crop but they're not glamour shots. This is my reality right now. I'll delete some of these after I get them up, but I can't really see what they look like until they're online first.

Oh, and I didn't have that horse dream about THIS toy horse! It was buried beneath covers and I found it a couple weeks after I had my dream. I did think, "Umm...strange." I looked for a ribbon. But there was no ribbon and in the dream it was much smaller and more blended in color (mane and body). I don't love these photos because I'm fatter and older looking, but well, what can I say? Alvaro knew how to dress me and keep my hair coifed. Now I have this weird loopy curl which I know he would have spotted and fixed straightaway.
Anyway, Merry Christmas everyone.
Like this..."Sweet 16" by Billy Idol.
I was going to start doing video clips of myself but right after I wrote about it, my housemate had massive problems with his computer and couldn't do.

Mmmm, what other news? Umm...No love interest I guess. I guess that's news. I've gone a great while being completely celibate again. Seven months. Aside from 3 days that were a long time ago after I separated. Haven't kissed a soul. Well, maybe someone's soul has been kissed. I wouldn't know, because I haven't run into anyone to really date at all. But if I have a soulmate, maybe our souls have kissed in passing. I think it's too bad, because I feel I should be with someone great, and be able to share many things, but I feel just as secure in keeping to myself and staying in reserve for the right person. I am going to be in love next time around, completely and fully in love, and if I'm not, I'll be celibate forever.
Listening to Billie Holiday: "Sophisticated Lady" and "Georgia on my mind" and on. I used to have her on cassette way back when.

Dream Last Night (tripwire?) updated

I should add, this image was in another country and the impression was not that it was here in the US. That's all I know. It wasn't a U.S. thing or something I dreamed for here.

I had a long dream but I don't remember the whole thing. At one point I awoke and then was going back to dream and I was holding some long wire and we were going up a small hill and I said, "This is the top line and that is the end line" and it was explosive of some kind.

I don't even think anyone uses explosives like this, that have a "line" but I don't know much about explosives.

It may be some very old remembrance of "The Bridge Over The River Kwaii" or whatever, that brought this up, but yeah, there I was handling explosives with some young man but I don't know who he was and didn't see a face in the dream. About my age or a little younger. It was like we were both in the military or on a military site. I didn't see any trees was beige or plain. I haven't seen that movie for 10 years and haven't read anything about it. This is the second dream or image that I've had about explosives.

I looked up "top line and end line" and I saw something referred to as a "line end" (not end line). I saw this connected to explosives but I don't know what kind might use something like this. I was thinking this would be something used more like, in the 50s, but I looked up tripwire and those are still used.

The impression I had was that we were setting something up.

And no, I'm not joining the military if I don't get my son back. Just in case anyone had any ideas.

In the dream, The line was sort of visible and I was holding the top part and then he had the other end and was a few paces behind. As we were walking, this is when I said something about the top line and the the end line. I don't know if we stopped and were going to lay it down or take it somewhere or what was going on because then my dream changed and I don't remember the rest of it.

The other thing that just came to mind, which I looked up, was landmine. I started wondering if there is a line that connects to the kind of landmine Di campaigned against and if my dream was that I was just walking with a line to remove it from grounds, or actually setting something up.

I had more of the impression it was being set up but I don't know because we were holding it, talking, and walking.

For some reason, I was explaining things to the guy behind me. I think landmines are triggered by pressure though, not tripping over or pulling a wire or anything like that. When I've seen landmines in the couple clips I saw, they looked round and compact and I saw no wires.

I think probably we were setting up some kind of tripwire.

This is a lot of detail. I don't know why I do this...try to hash out things when it was a tiny little clip and dreams usually mean nothing anyway! I might have to delete most of this bc it's so much conjecture.
Hahahaa. My housemate said he fell asleep on webcam last night. He was in a webchat with his girlfriend and other people and just fell asleep and didn't turn it off. How embarrassing.
First song of the day: White Wedding! by Billy Idol. Last night I listened to David Bowie instead of Christmas music. hahaa...I had to laugh when the song "Message For The Action Man" came to my mind after I wrote about my image...I saw the video and he's, half the time, in a padded cell. lol. I decided..hmmm...NOT to write about THAT last night but this morning I can laugh more.

It is another day of good energy even though I wake up thinking about what I should do with this case with my son and in general. I think, every morning, now, how to rescue him and get something moving in the right direction. I am uncertain as to whom I should go to, because something needs to be righted and I am still somewhat undecided about course of action.

Thursday, December 24, 2009

image of william of wales

Well, I embarrass myself enough already, and it really doesn't matter if I do more now, because I feel I'm supposed to share and if it's right, I have no way of letting anyone know except through putting it online.

I had an image, at about 10:00-11:00 p.m. tonight at some point, and I knew who it was of. It wasn't a super strong impression though, and I doubted myself because I had just been reading and thought this is what probably influenced my image, or even "imagination".

But I first saw what looked like William having trouble sleeping, in bed, and then I saw him on the floor, absolutely prostrate in prayer or plea or something. Lying all the way out on the floor, arms stretched out in front. I don't know how he sleeps, motionless or all over the place, but it was like he was wrestling with something. Very restless sleep and then on the floor. In bed, on his back, knees up and down--restless legs. But sleeping or trying to sleep, in that frame, on back or sort of to the sides. Not on stomach from what I saw, but maybe it was the transistion from getting out of bed and then lying on the floor (and that was on stomach). Possibly, two different frames. Because I didn't see a motion from bed to floor, I just saw one and then the other. Probably, I shouldn't try to add details if I'm not sure and just stick with the general impression, as they say, but I'm doing my best.

It wasn't like when I had the impression of a gunshot, which was random and out of the blue and nothing precipitated it. This time, I was reading materials so I feel it may have influenced what was coming to mind, however, the image flashed in front of me.

Only he would know, and then again, it's sort of general so it could happen to anyone. But since this is what I "got" I don't know what else to do but share even if I'm wrong. So, very embarrassing, and something I would share privately if I knew the person and could do so, but there may be a reason I got this.

Sometimes I don't see a face or know who it is, but tonight, I knew who the person was in the image. My impression was that it was either today or recent, or at the very most in the past. I didn't really think it was for the future, but how would I know.

At any rate, I think, if it confirms with him, it's just a sign that God hears. If it doesn't confirm, that's okay and I am just tired and reading a lot and got this for some reason and I don't know why.
Other things that I "got" tonight, one which was really insignificant but sort of interesting because I saw a kind of confirmation (and wouldn't have even known I got anything right unless I had been surprised by this). But what happened is I was in a chat and had only been there a short time and was having an exchange with one person in particular. I don't know what it is about mushrooms, hahaha, after my housemate told me (I still don't know if he's pulling my leg) he was thinking of a mushroom burger before I described one...

Anyway, I was making steak and I had just started thinking about mushrooms, while chatting, sort of an internal monologue about "Do we still have mushrooms? I wonder if I should put them in with the steak?" but first I just thought "mushroom" and then I figured it was to go with my steak, and I was chatting and thinking mushrooms at the same time. This guy, at that moment, said he was making mushroom risoto. Which was a coincidence probably, but very odd because right after I asked him what he was making or would want to make, mushrooms came to mind and then he said mushroom risoto. Then, I said I had just been thinking about mushrooms and he said he wasn't surprised. ?! It didn't shock him at all.

I know, this is one of those things that happens to all of us, a lot, but it seems to happen to me more than usual. I just don't always know when I'm hitting on something or not because it's rare that I get a confirmation.
I feel a very strong positive energy having written about the image of William. Either it's true and will ring with him, or someone read THAT and started praying out of their dear heart, thinking to God "She needs help" or "God, I understand but save her from herself because others won't understand and they will laugh!"

At any rate, I feel a very good and strong energy. So it's either right or someone is praying their dear heart out for me, on my behalf, and I thank you! whomever you may be! I need a lot of prayer!
Anyway, I tried to go to sleep after this but laid awake, not thinking about this, but I cannot sleep because I have had two strong energy drinks (lol, so many meanings to the word energy) and tea tonight as well. So I'm just up against my will. I have peace of mind in general. If I think about my son, I don't as much, but in general, I have peace of mind.

I got the Bible out and thought about maybe trying to pray for various things since I am so caffeinated but I might listen to music. Opened up to Psalms 35.

UPDATE (next day Dec. 25th): After writing this, I went to bed and then looked up "prince william, nightmares" bc it kept coming to mind that maybe it wasn't just restless sleep I saw but violent nightmares. So then I found something, but again, I think one other time I had read somewhere he had them briefly. Last night I read a rumor article (not the best source) that he'd once hired an ex MI5 guy to investigate his mom's crash independently. But it was only one article and back to 2001.

The Fun Of Chat Rooms

I haven't gone to a chatroom forever. Years and years. I had a little bit of harassment with one where everyone (not everyone but a significant few) already knew who I was and kept bringing up personal information. I tried going with a different name and it was a lot of the same. Some of the people were U.S. and some had signed in long ago, and I've had a lot who are welsh or describe themselves as such, I mean, for the proportion, going on.

Then I tried a different one, but too many questions and then I ended up in an adult chat which I thought just meant adult topics, not necessarily sex. This guy tried to talk to me and then said something about how a woman was going to be found dead at the bottom of a river in suitcase. I ignored it. Another time, someone claiming, in the psychic room, to be welsh, was telling me...I don't know, it was another dark matter, let's put it that way.

Most of the harassment, if there was any, came from NW. But a few randoms, like welsh supposedly. Another from Munich, Germany, who knew a few things about me that only my ex should have known so I have no idea where she got the info. She never harassed, but it was strange she should have this information.

I really don't know.

Why does anyone even care what I do or say? I don't get it. !!!

I also don't understand why this matter over my son is such a big deal. I mean, this shouldn't be the mess it is. It should be very easily resolved and simple. I can't imagine why all this energy has gone into lying and trying to keep my son from his mom. I truly don't know why. I also think about even lawsuits I've brought up or mentioned doing in the past, and people do this all the time, and it's not a big deal. I don't know why I'm such a big deal. Then, I don't know...I can't even get my car out of Canada, because some company just happened to buy the tow place and then change ownership and destroy records and no one knows who got my car???

Who the hell am I? I swear to God, I sometimes really do think my DNA should be analysed.

If a few people can somehow track which chats I go to, why? and then I wonder how many others get this honor. What if, say, a celebrity or someone famous goes to a chat? do they end up finding out people, a few, already seem to know who they are? I wish I had more people around who can relate to me because it's very hard to find friends here.

I've always had at least one very good, best girlfriend, and it's just that I've gotten older and most of the people I might know are married and occupied or I am not in the right place at the right time. The first time I felt like a few people understood or believed in me, even if they didn't necessarily like me, was when I was on the East Coast. There's not as much judgment and people have seen more and experienced a little bit more. I try to get to know people here and it's just rough. One guy told me if they were born and raised here, don't even try--he said it would be a total waste of my time. But I do try! and have tried! But I think he might be right. I think it's possible to make acquaintances and to have play dates here but that's about it.

Anyway, people here pretty much know I'm not nuts though. They talk with me or hear me speaking and they know. I noticed I have yet another convert...a believer in my ability to sometimes intuit someone is watching me. Most recently, it was D. and as soon as I turned, he'd turned quickly and was leaving, I think so I didn't know, but he knows now. I don't make up some of the quirky things. And anyway, it's not even that unusual, because most of us have done this...turned to find someone looking at us and somehow our subconscious "knew". It's just that I write about it or might bring it up and most people don't do that. But we all know it happens and is possible. It's just that for me, it happens a lot. And like I said, depending on my connection with the person, it might be at every turn.

I don't think I ask for too much. I ask for nothing except my son, and that's within reason and not a grandiose request.

I don't accept that there is something "better" or "different" for my life. I believe my greatest work has been with my son and this is what makes me happy. I've also done a lot of good for other kids in the past and been able to intuit what they need. I don't accept that there is some other plan for me, and even if there was, I don't want it. I've stated what my son's desires and needs are, and what I want, is to see him happy and not be abused and to be with his mother.

If anyone wants to continue making a big deal over this, there's something mentally wrong with them.

So, I've gone to a couple of chats to have conversation and some conversations have been great and I feel a few have looked out for me too, but there are some strange ones as well.

I have tried very hard to be friendly here, but as long as I'm here, I won't have friends. I might have acquaintances but I am accepting what this man told me, that I wouldn't be able to make a sincere, deep, connection with anyone here. So, face facts. I have faced the facts. I am happy and content enough to have my son back and to be working with people in a civil manner and that's all I ask for.

Dream Last Night & Gun Shot Impression & Royal News

I slept very well last night and then I woke and I think I remember only an extremely small clip of a dream. In it, some woman was carrying something very heavy and I made some obscure comment about how "it's as heavy as butter." Something about butter and being heavy. Hhaa. I have no idea why.

Oh! I forgot to mention, the other night, either night before last or the one before that one, I woke up at 10:20 p.m. or I had an image? I cannot remember...I had the impression of hearing a very loud gun go off. One shot. I jumped, and started in my bed and looked up at the time and it was either an impression at about 10:20 p.m. or awakening from a dream at around 2:20 a.m. I sort of think it was an impression though.

I remember thinking how strange and that I had to write this down but I forgot to do it and didn't remember it until now. It was an extremely loud gun and only one shot and I had no image with it. It wasn't an actual sound, like "in my head" or outside...I knew it hadn't actually occured within my hearing range, but I heard it in a way I can't describe...No, not "hearing things" because people who hear things think it's real, and this wasn't, it was like...I wasn't watching t.v. or a movie with gun noises and hadn't been around them either.

I wish I could explain better. I thought, somewhere in the world, something happened to someone or game was killed. Or someone was doing target practice. But I only heard one shot. I literally, literally now, jumped because it was so loud, but it was in the mind's eye, like an impression. The sound scared me but there was no vibe with it that I can recall. Either I was just about to fall asleep into a dream and I just got this impression right before, or it might be a form of clairaudience? or something like that? I don't know. I'm reading about the different things.

I feel there is some human possibility that others can acquire these gifts, but when I start to tune into "my abilities" it doesn't seem to work. For me, it has been most connected with prayer and when I am giving credit to God. I feel like I lose something when I try on my own, but I don't think it's wrong to try or to desire certain gifts, asked for in the right frame of mind or spirit.

Oh, by the way, I told this guy who was talking about Mary Lincoln-Todd, I told him how this famous Russian psychic, Nina, was institutionalized. People didn't recognize her giftings and she went was sent to a psych ward, and there, doctors and nurses noticed she had talents most do not have. She would be knitting and didn't have to look to see which color of thread she needed, she somehow intuited or sensed which one she needed. He agreed that some people get sent to psych wards just to be experimented on or that this happens in psych wards.

Oh! hahaa! One thing he brought up which I thought was funny, was if I wanted to "adopt" Prince William or Henry. I asked why he said this and he said because I had brought up how I had first thought of them like my own son, from Di's eyes. So I laughed and said this might be interesting and I would, sure, if they wanted to be adopted. But, I said, they'd have to pay me. He said why would THEY pay ME and I said it would be the most charitable contribution they could ever make. And, I said, I would be the one suffering from all the press. I thought about it...would it die down after 5 years? I don't know. The first 5 years, at least, would be hell. I said I'd adopt one of them for a small sum...and said, I could use at least $200,000 right now. Anyway, we were just goofing off and laughing. He said "Why did you say you would adopt them?" and I said, "YOU'RE the one who ASKED me the question! don't you dare tell people I just came up with that and said this! I was just going along for fun." I have to make sure I'm not made out to be a bigger nutcase than I am.

Wow! Very cool. Had to catch up on the royalty news. Oh, and I prayed for the Obama, er, whatever their last name is (I was about to call them "the Obamas"), I prayed for them, the other night along with the royal family. But anyway, yesterday I read about the Queen's chocolate and then today about how she'll address troops. My favorite article of the day, was the one about William! Yay! GOOD JOB!!! I was so thrilled to see that he slept outside with the homeless for a night because, that is, I don't know, so RIGHT. I have always said to my friends, I think any Judge who is in a position of putting people to jail, they should know what it's like to be in jail for a couple of weeks, just to get an idea before they go about their business and hand out sentences, and what William did was essentially the same thing, to really experience what those in his charity go through and it will give better insight and direction...I just think it's really wonderful and I felt very proud of him. I had just been reading about how Di appreciated the Duchess of Kent for being hands on and willing to help others in the hospitals (bed pan and everything), and how she never saw anyone doing anything like that and it inspired her, and I think it's really right.

(Meanwhile, I was on the other side of the world, looking up Edward & Wallis again, for the first time in ages...shhh! lol. Actually, I have been sleeping better ever since I read the royal girlfriends are not going to Granny's for Christmas...shhh, AND I saying too much? Well anyway! AND, oh, I did read some sad news about Eddie and Wallie, they were exiled. Truly.)

I also watched a couple of clips the other day, of the Queen, "off-duty" and light and she can really ham it up with some of her facial expressions. Then there's this one where she wins 16 pounds at the horse races and she does this tilt of the head and smile in a very youthful and playful way. Gosh, I think she really, really, loves horses. I'm saying "really" a lot, hmmm.

Haven't found anything new yet on Harry. Just that article about the "lovefest". What did I tell you? I mean, how in the world can they maintain privacy at all?

At any rate, I think something new and deeply spiritual will happen with, like I said, one or some of the Waleses. I just sense this. I hope they will have a good Christmas holiday and might pray together and for eachother in a new way. I have the image or thought in my mind of them all together, praying in their home for eachother, in sort of a circle.

And I wish this for all the other families too, and for the U.S. and our First Lady and mind is just one-track because of my reading right now, I'm sure.

Oh, I am an idiot. It's Barak Obama. What is wrong with me! I forgot the President's first name for a minute. I was thinking "Obama and Michelle ___________" drawing a blank. Seriously, I wasn't getting much sleep for the last couple of weeks. Still catching up.