Visit With My Son Today

Listening to Cyndi Lauper and The Cure. Trying to get going on this detail of the visit. I smoked a tiny bit today but I give myself a reasonable allowance. I have felt such a good strong and positive energy most of the day. At a little after 4:30 p.m. I felt a sad vibe for the first time. I felt it last night momentarily and didn't sense it until now tonight, but I hope everything is okay. (UPDATE: I have such a horrible feeling right now but I don't know why--it's about 5:20 p.m. Something is really not okay. I tried calling my aunt and uncle to see how my son is and the phone is busy. I'll try again. I don't know what's wrong, but something is really wrong right now).

I got to the offices and my son was in the room already...the other office, which has tinted glass which he can see out of. So I tapped on the window and he came running over to the window to press his face against the glass and grin. I grinned back and then went to the door and walked in. He was still to the window, giggling and hiding, as he does when he first sees me.

So I said, "Oliver! Look at what I have for you" to persuade his attention to look in my bag and then we could go to the playroom. He said, "What Mama?!" and I let the face of a little stuffed puppy peek out at him, just the nose and eyes. He said, "Oh! What is it? I want to see!" so then we went to the playroom.

I wanted to get him something else too, something with wheels or lights, but I just brought this for this visit.

We went to the room and he was in a good mood. I took the food out of my bag and gave him the puppy and told him it was a "promise puppy" and that one day, if I could, down the road, I would get him his own dog. It was a plush little puppy with sort of beanbag type hands. I told him it might be down the road, but when I could I would.

He gave it a hug and said thank you and then I asked what he wanted to name it. He said, "Mama." He named his puppy "Mama" but then he called it "Mommy" too. He gave it another big hug and I don't think the monitor knew what to think of that name.

(I can't get away from it. I was named after a dog and now, at long last, a dog is named after ME! lol)

He had a small little puppy magnet playing with the larger stuffed animal. He wanted to mix up the chicken salad and put it on crackers. Then he wanted the trail mix with nuts and m&ms. He didn't want to pour it into his hand, he was digging into the narrow bag, saying, "I can't do it!" (get any nuts). "Do you want to pour it out?" I said, and he said no. He retrieved a cashew and I said, "You got a cashew!" and he said, "No, it's a PEANUT." Then he showed me his "owies" on his hand and I asked how he got the cuts and he said, "A tree." I put some chapstick on and asked Oliver if he wanted some and he said no, Holly didn't like it. I said it was okay because it wasn't lipstick, it was clear and no one could even see it and that boys and men use it. He then offered a raisin and said, "Do you want some?" and I said, "Sure! thanks honey." So he gave me some of the trail mix, putting it into my mouth. Then he handed me his stuffed animal and said, "Take care of Mama." I said okay as he moved over to play pick out a book. He chose baby animals, The Cow. I read the book to him and he pointed to the cow's udder, where the calf was feeding and said, "What's that?" and I told him it was an "udder" and it was where the babies got milk from their mother. Then he got a book on dinosaurs and pointed out all the matches in the book. He enjoyed this story and I think the CASA guy came in around this time. My son was sitting on a small chair and I was sitting on the floor and Oliver had his arm on my shoulder the whole time I read to him. At one point, right in front of the CASA guy, he snuggled next to me and then, he looked at me and gave me a big kiss in the middle of the story. He then had his arm on my shoulder, crooked in a "v". He sat on my lap for some of the stories and then otherwise had his arm on my shoulder with his head close to mine. When he sat in my lap, he leaned his cheek against mine. The other book he selected was one called "Who?" and it was about a lot of things and what they were or who they were. He noted a rocket and made a motion of how it flew in the air and he talked about outerspace. He wanted me to read about vets so I read a section on veternarians and what they do. He didn't like the book but when he saw the picture of the hippo having his teeth examined, he asked me to read that part.

We also read "The Wheels On The Bus" and he didn't want me to sing it but read it. He first had me read it forwards and then he specifically wanted me to read it backwards. He had me read it from the back page first and then turned pages backwards. It worked either way.

Oh! I almost forgot...today he started mixing his chicken salad and he used his left hand. I was really surprised. He held the spoon in his left hand and then was spreading the salad on the crackers. I said to Sue, how he was using his lefthand and she said she noticed. I didn't know if it is really the hand he prefers and I said, "You can use whichever hand you want, is that one more comfortable to you?" and then he acted very shy about it and didn't want to spread anymore. I think I have to not mention the hand thing because he really seems to be a perfectionist and wants to do things the right way or he feels embarrassed.

(I will finish this later bc I'm sensing a bad energy right now and it's distracting)

So then he wanted to play with a car/truck and drove it over to a structure. He had it falling over the edge and I told him I would make a track for him with paper and did and then had a garage from him to go into. So he drove this and then the CASA guy decided to go.

Next Oliver said he wanted to play with "Mama" (the dog). So I had "Mama" pretending to drive the car. He brought over the rocket and I poured the trailmix out and then had "Mama" sit in the rocket. Then he wanted to sort of throw things so I said let's throw something soft. So he got out a caterpillar that was a stuffed toy and he tossed it but I had "Mama" catching. He patted the floor for his puppy, "Here Mommy!" and so on. He alternated with calling his stuffed dog "Mama" and "Mommy" and looked so happy and engrossed with playing with this stuffed animal. I played catch with him for a long time, with various things and then he wanted to throw two at the same time and giggled when the "Mama II" had to go find things behind objects and then would pop out to peek at him. He laughed and laughed. It was really, truly, adorable to see how innocent and sweet and delighted he was with "Mama II". Imagination full-force and then he'd look at me and laugh with almost surprise. It took on new life.

When it was time to go, all he did was stall. He stalled more this time, more than ever. He absolutely refused to put his shoes on or pick things up and just wanted to stay there.

I showed him the clock to help him see the time and understand but he wwas having none of it. He did everything in his power to stay. I think he is afraid to really rebel anymore, or say as much as he'd like to, because he gets spanked at his other place. But he stalled and stalled and I drew a calendar for him and he just, before, kept giving me hugs and kisses, to keep from going.

He finally was made to go after I got his shoes on.

The CPS woman said they are adding on another hour for next week's visits to make up for a missed visit, and this will be good. She says he can "handle" it now.

You should see the size of the room. It's TINY. It's not a fun place for a kid but my son wants to stay there with me, every time, rather than go back or leave. This is his choice and what he has to say about it.

Then, CPS sent my lawyer a letter saying they refuse to make up one of the visits that was missed because it fell on a holiday and they didn't make up visits that were missed because they fell on "holidays". That was coming from the AG. I told my lawyer I'd like to see that policy in writing. There is NO such policy and no child should miss visits because of a "holiday" and since they knew ahead of time there WAS a holiday they should have scheduled for him to visit with me on other days if that IS the case. It was their responsibility.