At around 3 p.m. I started feeling the sad vibe. It wasn't me and I was chatting along and joking, but I sensed something. It's been off and on since then and now it's 4:25 p.m. It's now almost 5 p.m. and the very heavy vibe is there.
I started praying and it didn't help. I prayed for various people and for things in general.
I was feeling sooo burdened with something, but I didn't know what. So I went to CNN wondering what was going on in the world.
What a day! Today was full of incidences, all over the world. I thought, maybe I'm just picking up on the general vibe through. I don't know.
I'm starting to feel a little bit better right now and it's almost 6:30 p.m.
I felt like it had something to do with my son. So I tried calling the Avilas and no one picked up. I need to see how he is on Monday and cannot wait. I can read a lot about what he's going through in those 2 hours.
Listening to Natasha Bedingfield's "Angel"
UPDATE: 10:00 p.m. Things improved and lifted and then just got so sad and heavy again. I feel this horrible heavy sadness. For whatever bizarre reason, I write this, or it's after writing my latest post...I almost immediately sense the good energy. Gosh I wish a had a press-button for this thing, this whole energy thing. I guess I'll look up the youtube clip on the Queen's message and then get back to this. My housemate put in "White Christmas" which is such a great movie but I just haven't been focusing on Christmas too much. No Christmas music and no movies. I haven't been depressed but I'm afraid I might be if I do and don't want to risk it!
Hmm, this is a good movie...I'm being drawn in. The dialogue is great and of course the dancing. I like the sister-mister song too. Hahaaaa! "So you don't think I'm the kind of woman who goes around throwing herself at a man do you?" he says, "Of course not, nobody does..." Hhaaaa. I love the fighting scene with the couple before and then this just had me laughing out loud.
11:58 p.m. finished watching "White Christmas" with housemate. Tired. Up and down with the energy thing. Strong, but bittersweet, strong positivity but sadness. I don't know what it's about. Probably partly me, because of my son. Yet something else too, I know it. I don't know who or what though. Like someone's heart is breaking almost. But I don't know if it's a world situation, trepidation, or a person. It's like a war, an internal war. Someone or some group, and there is something that wants to break through or break free. Of what, I have no idea. Maybe it's a collective feeling. I keep meaning to pray more. I did tonight, about 20 minutes, but not enough really. Kept getting distracted by the vibe and not knowing what it was or is. I think there is a battle between good and bad forces and just a lot of conflict and turmoil in the world right now. That might be it. It may be that a lot of love and understanding is needed. I feel this generation and the next, are crucial because...I am serious, that scottish children's minister is absolutely right--children are the future and they become adults and shape the world and if these children do not have firm foundations and self confidence to start with, if the way they are raised or nurtured changes, it will change the world dynamics as well. She had advocated for welfare mothers, while getting on their feet, to be able to have their children at home with them.
I think it is sometimes more difficult now to find people of sincere faith or hope, who are able to blend this in a practical way, with the realities of life and disappointment and I strongly feel that if their childhoods are disrupted and unhappy, it will create problems later and will carry over and make the world a more difficult place to live. It's not just about having a mom and dad or 2 parent home, it's about having one on one time and being raised to feel ones worth and yet to be able to endure sacrifice for the right thing. Without that attention or love and care, it makes for shakier foundations and I think, makes it more difficult for adults to weather storms or stand solidly.
I wouldn't know how to fix this. I might start thinking of ideas, but I don't know. Then this, blended with the economic problems, has increased the upset. I hope everyone can work together more instead of in a survivalist manner. But there has to be a way to balance things out.
I keep hoping for a kind of goodwill revival where good intentions and hope is infused into everyone's lives, in a spiritual way, regardless of religious or non-religious affiliation (or non affiliation). I feel this wave of something very positive needs to heal and strengthen people.
I got onto a tangent, but the vibe is so strong and positive but meloncholy too. Like there is love somewhere but there is also despair.
It may be, too, that I am sensing just the impossibility, currently, of changing minds about doing the right thing with reuniting my son with me. I feel there are so many bad motives that have gone into this and there is a stubborn steel will that is barricading things, just a punishing factor involved. Without regard for my son at all, and maybe it's the greiving of my spirit and I'm picking up up on it intensely tonight.
Read John 14:21-31 tonight. Good passage. About how christians who say they are so, will keep the commandments and will love the sayings. About the peace which is given to those who will believe. I might read the next chapter too, chapter 15, which follows, about how the great commandment is to love one another and those who are true will do this, and how those who are persecuted for trying to do the right thing will have understanding with Jesus. Also, about abiding in God.