Tuesday, November 30, 2010

Looking Up

A few things possibly looking up.

For lack of food, and having a cough, I feel really good. I have this cough, but energy-wise, I feel fantastic. I've forgotten a few things here and there, like an absent-minded professor, but I have been medicated and had other things happen as well, including a lot on my mind, so I don't think it's an issue.

I am still sort of doing the fast. I had a little more to eat the last couple of days because I've been sick.

Yesterday I had dintymore beef stew, a package of granola, and one 99 cent Wendy's hamburger. Lots of tea. The day before I had (I think) tuna with crackers (small size) a whole pint of organic egg-nog, and that was it.

This morning I had a 55 cent hot dog for breakfast with my Earl Grey tea.

The day I drank the eggnog, I knew it wouldn't be good for the cough but I drank it anyway, all of it at once (Sunday before church) and I swear my skin looked 100% the next day. I figured it's still good because of the organic milk and the eggs in it (sulfur).

It's like the fast food fast! Earl Grey tea, water, liquids, and a few pieces of granola and a little fast food thrown in.

I went to church this morning for prayer but I have so much to do I prayed privately early and then left to look into work things and check the news.

Last night there was a short service which I really enjoyed and thenI chapel again. I liked the centering prayer thing I went to but it's usually in the evenings and I'd have to find maybe a ride to get back in time.

I believe I am going to get work very soon. I had a lot of doubts, the way things were going, but I believe I'm going to be hired either today, tomorrow...I don't know...very soon.

I found out about some options and have to make some calls today.
Last night something must have been happening in the atmosphere because I cried and there was just this sadness, but it wasn't like I received different news. I didn't feel I was crying for myself either. Later, when I was reminded of my son I cried but earlier, it was something else. And then all night last night, hard to get into prayer, to find the connection and the woman next to me left, in chapel, and I didn't blame her because something was vacant. Something "felt" that way to me. And then this morning in church, I tried to pray and sort of felt connection but something vacant still. Something missing this morning.

In that situation, there are 2 options. Either pray more, longer, and harder, until you have a breakthrough, or just accept where it's at for the moment and move on to other things and come back to it. Today i moved on and will come back to it later.
The night before last night was sort of interesting. I was lying down with my eyes closed and then sat up and 3 women were all focused and looking at me. All sitting up in beds staring and I sat up then too and looked at them.

I must have sensed eyes on me even lying down. I didn't know, and didn't think "3 women are sitting up staring at me"--it was just a subconcious natural instinct and then I saw why. I noticed I have this ability which is probably why my ancestors have made it this far. It must be some kind of hunter or psychic instinct. I thought, "This is probably how David stayed alive when he was being pursued in caves" but now, it's not necessary in the same way. It's a little different I guess.

It was the night of food images. I saw all kinds of great food and was thinking about things I like. I had been thinking at that moment about sauteed zucchini but then I was thinking about all kinds of food. Then we talked about fried bits of bread crumbs on it, and I thought about white peppercorn sauce with button mushrooms on NY sliced thin steaks, and then all kinds of mushrooms (I wanted to watch the food channel) and crab cakes and crab and lobster (maybe that was the night before..the crab or lobster or crayfish) and then roast beef with horseradish sauce and then I thought about it with plum sauce and asked if this is "done" because i would think usually plum sauce goes with duck but I thought of it with roast beef. Then borscht sounded good to me too, with my cold. And my mom's sour cream apple pie which sets up like a custard...is delicious. It's served hot or hot, but is good hot and I don't care for regular apple pie that much, but the sour cream version she makes is really good. I thought about the crab and lobster Saturday night I think and roast beef and duck and other foods on Sunday night. Last night I didn't think about anything because I had just had beef stew and I guess, not as much in the mood.

Last night I only saw tulle. But not for a woman's dress. At least I don't think so. It was a netting or tulle and had tiny little polka dots of light color and they were very small and sort of velvet in texture I think, on the tulle. In the minds eye, I mean, not as if it was literally in front of me, but I saw tulle and it wasn't plain white. It had little miniature polka dots on it. I want to say there is a word for it but it's not pointelle. They were tiny little pale green and pink dots but maybe there was something else there too.

Monday, November 29, 2010

Mor Problems With People Coming Into This Town

I not only have never had so many problems with maps online and directions. On the East Coast, or in general, I never had a problem.

I have been so turned around bc of what some of these idiots are doing, with even my maps online, that I can't go even a few blocks without problems.

It is really sad, because today was about my getting work. And so many people came out to intentionally interfere with this, it was ghastly. Some of the people are even locals. One woman who was a real bitch, laughing over my being lost, had TN plates DFNDR. It was only letters and made me wonder if she's connected to the justice system here. Why else have "DFNDR" on her plate? She was white. But there have been people from all walks.

I literally walked out at 6 a.m. when it was still dark, to be at a business at 8 a.m. and I shouldn't have had any problem with it.

But the map and directions I carefully checked several times, were totally wrong. I thought maybe it was my mistake but then when I stopped at this other place I asked the woman to zoom in to see if the same streets would even come up. They didn't. She was pulling up a different map than I did. Most of it was the same, but not this one little section, which is where I got confused and lost time.

So I figured the good people around could give me directions and help out.

But no. All the good people were replaced by assholes this morning. Most of them were assholes. And people KNEW I would be in THAT area so it was like every asshole who could be relied upon to mislead me, up to 10 blocks here and there, was out waiting for me. 2 men went into this symphony place. I knew, even last night, avoid that area. Somehow, I knew. But I had to go near it to find the road I needed and then that's where all the fuckers were.

It was really horrible. I mean, these were people who had nothing better to do but to be in my way.

There was absolutely NO reason for me to not be at this place of business at 8 and start working, but it didn't happen and I cannot blame myself at all. I got up well ahead of time, and I planned it out with care ahead of time too.

It was very disappointing because a lot of the good people are just at work at this time, doing normal things, and there were only a few decent people out and about for me to run across today.

I never had such wild directions in my life. As if they never lived here.

So I finally got there, but before 10 and when I did get there, I found out I'd been lied to over the phone. It was good that I went in anyway, late, in person, because then they couldn't lie over the phone to me.

Everything changed when I was there in person. All of a sudden, I was getting, with other people around as witnesses, correct information about what time to be there, and what days.

I also noticed at least 3 or 4 police in patrol cars who went out of their way to be around me and just be a harassing presence.

I noticed tons of police when I came into town but didn't feel they were trying to stalk me or part of the problem. However, today, 3 cars and then a day or two ago, there were 2 men in one patrol car that were really "off".

I finally got accurate and honest information from this temp agency where the story kept changing all the time over the phone. It was really sad.

So then I went next door to a donation place to do blood donation and as soon as I walked in the nurse said to me, "We just filled up and won't be taking any new applications".

I said, "Oh?" and she said yes, that their corporate people were in town having a meeting and they had just filled up and there was a freeze now and they didn't anymore people. They made it sound like forever and then it came to mind, and I said out loud, in front of everyone:

"So tell me, how is it that you just "filled up" 20 minutes ago?" Everyone stared. I said, "Well, you're telling me you filled up but why exactly did you suddenly fill up just about 20 minutes ago or so? Did something happen? someone called in?"

And they said, "Well our manager called and said not to let anyone else in about 20 minutes ago."

That was when I was walking past their place, on the way to the temp agency. They were all marking the sign up sheet with blue and pink highlighters and had left off with some guy named william or williams and that was the cut off. Then a few others came in and signed up.

I asked to speak to the manager and they wouldn't let me, saying he was in a meeting.

So basically, someone didn't want ME to sign in--it wasn't about anyone else. It was about ME.

I just I am really having a hard time justifying others at this point. I shouldn't have this many people keeping me from getting work, or even from donating blood (which would make a measly amount of money but be a little bit).

I have some corporate people putting a whole "freeze" on their entire business for blood plasma so I can't donate? There were all KINDS of people in there, but they were discriminating against ME.

It is MORE than bizarre.

I don't know if it was more about not allowing me to donate blood, or about not wanting my name next to some "william" name because it would ruin someone's bet over something.

It was totally and completely nuts.

This whole thing. And I feel bad for whoever was rooting for me this morning because I did all that I could and I do know some were rooting for me to get in early and get work and a massive amount of people bullied me and acted like total fuck ups.

I know that there are supposed to be very good things for me and yet I have really horrible people paying everyone off and giving them peer pressure like this is high school, and incentives and bribes, to do shitty things to me.

Obvsiously, they're the ones with no lives or too much money to have normal lives because they were following me around between 7-11 today. The normal people were working.

Maybe a few good ones who have felt they have to go along with this for some reason, were out and about, but just a lot of assholes and assholes trying to keep me from getting to a TEMP agency so I could have even 1 day of minimum wage work.

I think it's time to BUST ass.

These people do not deserve freedom as "Americans". If these are the people that are running the roost in the U.S., there is a very good reason Korea is thinking of war. So I write this and those who want me to sound like a total freak and anti-American nod their heads affirmatively as if to encourage me. These are the ones with more money. The ones with more money are those who try to get others to incite someone to such distress that they even say such things.

I came to Nashville and found out a lot of people who frequent this area are from the NW. The Pacific NW which is the same area where I had problems to begin with. So having these people traveling in and out makes it easier to spread problems. I had someone tip me off about that, saying they come in from CA mainly but other areas too.

Then, I found out some of the peope from the more extreme religious groups that haven't liked me, are concentrated in Nashville too. Which makes it easier for them to mobilize for harassing me and making it seem like a bigger deal than it is. The everyday Protestants and others are out in the suburbs. In Nashville, you have fewer sincere Protestants maybe, and different people in and out from the rest of the country. There are not many Catholics or Jews in TN but the ones who are here are in Nashville. Then, of the Protestants, you have the less religious or sincere ones around in the area. And you have a lot more non-religious because it's the Hollywood (in a sense) of the South and people are not coming to Nashville for church. They come for entertainment.

There is not as much military which helps me sort things out, about where some of this is coming from. There isn't such a large base here of military so it's easier to pick out who these people are and why they hate. But some of them have come over here, even from out of state.

I've met several international because it's just an international area in general, right now esp. Some have been great and others so-so. Not too bad really, but some of these religions, I've noticed, even like to use people of other races to make things appear worse than they are for me, as if it's the whole world, or international people when it's really not.

I am at least making better discoveries.

I am figuring out more.

I would have thought that the smart thing would have been to just stay out of my way and HOPE that I DO get some kind of small work!

This is what seems sensible to me.

That's all I have to say at this point.

Sunday, November 28, 2010

Church: Advent & Jerusalem Songs

Went to church today. I've had the "New Jerusalem" song (also known as Holy Lamb of God) since Thanksgiving, off and on. This morning I whistled it in the bathroom when getting ready for church. Then, voila, service was all about Jerusalem.

There was some beautiful music. My cold picked up a couple of times but I was glad it coincided with kids coughing too.

I prayed in a comtemplative prayer service before the regular service, which I liked a lot, and felt power of God. I still felt it in the service but sort of waning at the end like something was slightly off maybe. Something, someone, or some group maybe, but I was very suprised because, it was a little bit Da Vinci Code, I thought.

I was invited to sit in front but wanted to sit near the back and just slid into a row, not thinking ahead where I was sitting. I had just felt very powerful presence when thinking about how children are our leaders and deserve our respect and attention bc Jesus said if we (adults) do not become like little children we cannot enter the kingdom of heaven. I was praying for my son and then kids, things like, "Help them when they are feeling smaller and less significant, at waist level or trying to get someone's attention about their desires and wishes," and things like this and then I felt more and more good energy as i prayed these things and I wondered about it and then remembered, "Oh yeah, of course, because children are the favored and chosen ones and unless we become like them we cannot please God". Be like them, in the sense of trust and honest desire of God.

And then I randomly sat in a row and I was thinking about kids and then looked and noticed the stained glass window I faced that morning was of Jesus with his hand on a child, and a woman standing behind him. I think it was a woman but maybe a man or disciple. I put on my glasses to try to see better. That was the Da Vinci Code moment, when it reminded me of the Leonardo Da Vinci painting with the disciple (or mary magdalene?) next to him.

Then, I looked to my right and the two stained glasses if I turned were also of children. Mary with child, or a woman holding a baby, and then another one with a man and two children.

Then the main service was about waiting. Seems to be a theme because I keep hearing it in songs and sermons and everywhere. Wait. Wait on the Lord. I didn't really hear the whole thing though because I was distracted by the stained glass with Jesus, woman and child. I kept looking at it and I heard most of the sermon but not all of it. It was something like Vladimir and ________ (some other guy) and how they were tramps or servants of God and they were waiting for a doe or something. It seemed a little odd, and I really lost the whole msg. If you asked me what the parable was about, I have no clue. I will have to ask someone and find out later.

All I could think about, was the Jerusalem songs, the pre-printed Advent bulletin, children, and the stained glass and the other hymns and songs, which I liked a lot. with one of them, I started seeing ballet and then a bunch of children all together around Jesus. In the minds eye of course.

I didn't go for communion and I knew it looked "wrong" but it's one thing where I feel it's very personal and half the people who acted sort of haughty before and after the service, to ME, really shouldn't have gone for communion but they did.

The point of communion is to examine ones heart and conscience and whether this is by a public show of taking wine and bread in a tradition, or meditating on the sacrifice of Christ in prayer, is personal choice. It's something that is beautiful and symbolic and isn't just rote "this is how it's done and proper etiquette." The minute that taking communion becomes etiquette, is the minute the whole point is lost. I felt more comfortable staying seated in prayer so that's what I did and I don't look down on anyone for going forward or not going forward. I think the time I look down is when someone goes forward and they are still haughty. Haughty going in, is one thing, but by the time you've had the chance to examine yourself, I don't know if "haughty going out" is very reflective or demonstrative of the "saving power of God's grace and the blood of Christ on the cross."

If I go forward sometime, it doesn't mean anything big either. It really doesn't matter one way or the other, except in appearance to some, and what matters, if it's truly about spiritual things, is how one feels about oneself and their relationship with God. And who is to judge, out of any of us? Even the haughty ones, I think to myself, they can still be blessed by God despite themselves because God's grace is immeasurable and who can say who God has favor on or doesn't, when it's not always about our own merit?

I did feel, very strongly, the power of the holy spirit at different times. Most of all, while in the contemplative prayer and praying. Then, still some while in service and esp. at the beginning, some kind of welling up again, and could see, mind's eye, people falling to their knees to God in worship.

I prayed God would bless everyone in their services everywhere today and prayed for the person I'm supposed to marry whenever, for one brief second, that I would be brought into his thoughts (not in a spell, of course, but because of God) and that if I knew him he would be brought into my thoughts too). I prayed these things all before the service began. I didn't have anyone in particular come to mind a lot but maybe I haven't met him or maybe it's not the right time.

I just looked it up and I think it was Vladimir and Estragon but it's just not something I was paying attention to.

Right now, I've had so much stress and weird things going on, there has been a lot to do.

Last night, I documented more technology stuff that occured. Nothing today at all, but yesterday, several times. In the Panera cafe the lower back ache after heating and someone with proximity to me I think, and then later that afternoon, it was something with my heart. It quit when I left the room. Then, it was quit until I was back at the shelter and when I was there, the entire service, someone was doing the same thing with technology that only affected my heart. However, my computer wasn't with me. It was in the next room and nowhere near me. So that particular effect had nothing to do with my computer at all and I think instead, has to do with being in a line inbetween something or in proximity to someone.

As soon as we were out of the service, which last for a half hour or so, it was instantly gone and I blogged about it right away. I didn't blog--there was no wifi, I made a works document.

I also forgot to correct something last night, on an application which I knew to do right away but wanted to get back to the place in time.

I am sure that being medicated without my consent and having torture occur has nothing to do with any of my actions, speech, or anything at all.

I have had the same few women following me around here. One, dark haired woman, just passed by in a vehicle with a man. This woman has it in for me and I'm not kidding. She passed down 10th N from Broadway following another truck with tinted windows. A gold small truck with tinted windows and then this woman on the passenger side. Not a good woman. I had a very bad vibe with her and also saw that she is a part of the woman, or has something to do with the woman who is sitting next to me who is also not very nice. She's English. I guess from N. England but I don't think she's representative of the English by any means. I've met others who are much different and friendly, and not doing or saying mean things around me. I didn't approach her either--she approached my table and sat down.
It is really sort of disappointing to have so many people go out of their way to try to direct me for the purpose of mockery, symbolic or not. I mean, mockery is legal, torture is not. I've had both.

But right after prayer even. I had this great time praying and then this couple wanted to take me from going to the service (about "en attendant godot", or waiting for God) to the "turnip truck" to eat. ? Which, after reading the synopsis of this story or play, seems like a joke. The man seemed nice, but it was 15 minutes this and that and then wanting to eat at the turnip place (the tramps in godots tale waste time waiting for God who never shows up in the 1st or 2nd act and pass time by fighting over carrots and turnips). I maybe read him wrong, but the inclusion of 15 minutes all the time made me wonder. I don't know. I thought it was a nice gesture, but some of the things said and done are very sideways or discreet in inuendo. Then, I guess the point was to have me sit in the very front of service because at the end, the woman pastor had everyone turn to face her and maybe it was...I don't know how to explain it.

I might be wrong on some of it, so forgive me if I am.

The thing is, it's like what I imagine when I see the photo of Diana standing next to the #2 sign while Camilla is by the #1 sign. They photographed them, together, like that and the point isnt missed by me and I'm sure it wasn't missed by Di later when she looked on the photos either.

It's like people trying to position me into a certain walk, chair, outfit, or even to say something, because they want it to fit THEIR script.

Which, for some, is for me to fit a script where I am a laughingstock.

I am just trying to be normal and do what I can when everything has been taken from me and I have to make choices I normally would never think of making.

Regardless of some things, I still enjoyed some of my morning and I always have to put it in context with what I am really doing and what I feel God wants me to do and am I in line or not. That's it. I cannot control being robbed all the time or misled or lied to. I can only try to not give up and to have faith and hope that something really great will be around the corner, and that, for me, is the basics.

I shouldn't be a threat to anyone.

I am a mother who has all the same desires any mother has.

At any rate, I think I met a large Catholic group of English is my guess. They keep showing up and being sort of rude, with their children or as caregivers for Downs Syndrome adults. For all the love some of them have for the disabled and disabled rights, they don't have as much consideration for the rights of a normal mother and child. Not sure. They are religious whoever they are. But I may be wrong about which religion. Downs Children groups are usually very serious protestants, jewish, or Catholic. Which, I think, is great personally, in the sense of Downs support. I am supportive of all disabled of all types. I only bring this up though, to figure out demographics or get an idea of who I'm dealing with or why a few may be treating me a certain way. With the Episcopal church too, there are really great people and then, sort of borderline. As with any group, but fringe stuff.

A few people in church today were literally crying. Not just teared up but crying streaming tears. I was hoping it was good, for them, and not otherwise. I think some people still feel the power of God even when others are trying to play games and even use God's house for it. Not everything that looks like a sign is of God.

Anyway, the strangest thing to me, was sitting across from the stained glass and thinking about the kids. This was a nice thing. There was also a little figure that says one can touch it and I looked at it the first time and didn't touch and then thought, "It's the gate" and I put a finger on the gate and it opened. So I shut it again. I did this the very first time I saw the thing. Then today I cracked it open a little bit and left it open. It is of a circle enclosure with a shepherd and sheep. You can't tell the gate opens by looking at it, but I just stared and thought it did so I reached out and tipped it open and then shut it. I didn't want anyone to know, then, for some reason. I don't really care now, bc it doesn't matter one way or the other--I just hadn't wanted anyone to make a big deal about it at the time.
I've figured out a few women who are somewhat psychic. One pretends to be crazy but she's not but I won't say who. It doesn't matter, but I picked up on something about her and then while thinking of her she turned and looked at me. I thought, "This might be the first time some other psychic has literally turned to stare at me knowing I am thinking about HER." She looked at me sideways, sort of freaked out, as if caught. She wasn't caught though. I just realized things and saw her doing something in a house and then she turned to look at me in a totally different way like, "oh my gosh". Then I thought, "Oh my gosh. She knows. She knows I was just thinking about her."

Then, this other one I know when she looks at me. And even at night. All the time.

Someone also asked last night, "What will the weather be like?" and I thought, "Cold and sunny" after someone said rain. But I didn't say it out loud. Even though I thought it was goingto be cold and sunny and is.

Saturday, November 27, 2010

Quelling Sickness/Disease with Whole Foods--Habanero Cure Links

I think I may have done it again. I might take a little longer though. A ton of people are sick right now and they've sat next to me in services and I shook hands, etc. I started to get sick and had a chest cough a little yesterday. But I went out of the way, walking for an hour and a half to get to a Whole Foods market to find some habaneros.

I found Whole Foods and bought the habanero and by last night, I slept through the whole night without a cough. It really does something to you. Then I had a little bit left and had it first thing this morning, with tea and water and my stomach was burning a little (made my nose run as well) so I decided to have an everything bagel with it and things are fine.

I think I will be able to kick it.

I have to go to the Whole Foods again and get more, but it's the best and most powerful remedy I've discovered, for killing colds and chest colds even.

I also decided to eat another full meal yesterday to keep up strength.

What was strange was that I was really craving raw salmon. I wanted sashimi but I thought maybe I could buy salmon myself, if I could find out if it was safe, and just eat it raw.

It was yes, a little strange, when I got there. First of all, it was heaven. I really love the foods they have there. I found myself landing in the international aisle in front of canned salmon, herring and "sprat" and behind me, the same, from the U.S. That's when I thought why buy canned if I can buy fresh? So I went to the fish counter. I asked what "fresh" meant and they said not frozen and I asked, if not frozen, how long in the case? and the only one was UK salmon. Maybe Canada too but I can't remember if he said it had been frozen. He said the UK fish had been there since that morning. "That fast!" I said, surprised fish from the UK was being flown in overnight express. Then I asked if it was sushi quality and could be eaten raw and he said no. But, he said, he was glad I asked bc they were getting sushi quality in one month and it has to be stored separately.

I then found the sushi counter and picked up sashimi. This was after I got my habanero and divina dolmas. Divina Dolmas, the kind I had, are rice wrapped in grape leaves. Why pay for this? I sort of wondered myself but it looked and sounded good to me.

The cashier said it wasn't possible to get sashimi (I got the tuna and salmon tray) with my card so I put it back and got the german salmon in honey and mustard sauce. Then this cashier was really nice and said he could ring it up differently and I could get the sashimi. I said that's alright, this was cheaper anyway, and he said next time. Said he could show me around town and was generally a pleasant person.

One thing I noticed were these small little rounds of honey and seeds snacks. I stood there thinking, "Ohmigosh, I was making this very thing in the kitchen a month ago." When I was making honey and sesame seed circle candies by pouring them into little rounds. Then I saw the exact same thing for the first time. That was weird and made me wonder if someone I'm connected to buys those and eats them and somehow I picked up on the idea subliminally. It was the first time I'd ever seen anything like it. I thought, "That's what I was making!" I'll have to look at the brand next time I go there.

So I got german salmon in honey and mustard sauce, for protein and omegas, and whole milk for collagen and D and protein, and the divina dolmas for lunch. I ate the divina dolmas last and why I'm writing this in detail I've no idea, but they ARE divine! They are so simple but it was SO good. Really suprising how good they are with so few ingredients. I didn't know what they were. I just saw them on the shelf and grabbed them. Thought they were spinach rolls of some kind but then found it was grape leaves.

I got granola to go.

Other than this meal, I had tea or water. Oh, and then I had 2 small cookies at a bank I went to afterwards.

But I think I am going to beat this cold and I am trying to keep a fast of sorts too, with moderation and reason. I can't afford to be sick right now.

The fast has been very good for me, although I think I maybe accidentally didn't watch one drink being poured but I threw almost all of it out after I had one sip and something hit my stomach wrong. I had one or two sips, and while fasting, the smallest things are noticeable and I tossed it all out.

This morning I bought 85% dark chocolate for the antioxidants. Just had some habanero, a little dark chocolate, and an everything bagel and the tea. Oh, and I also bought a few small sticks of licorice, the real kind in stick form and chewed on it.

Also, no other military, gang, or technology violence. Nothing yesterday or that evening and a good service as well.

My favorite part of the entire day was that this little boy came in crying with tears streaming down his face and I tried to distract him with his Cars backpack and talk to him and that didn't work so I gave him a hug which helped and then I lifted him up and he quit crying. He was about my son's age. Put his head on my shoulder and then even when I had to set him back down, letting him know first, before putting him down, he wasn't crying anymore. That was probably the best part of my day.

I haven't thought about too many people from Wenatchee. Too busy. But yesterday morning or afternoon, as I started out on my walk to the Whole Foods, I intentionally purposed, "Vladdie...! oooooOh Vladdie! Vladdie laddie!" to see if it was picked up on or if I noticed anything. I did sort of pick up on something but I swear it was my imagination. All that I got was vladdie laddie's head raising or perking up. Like it was bent a little, over something, and then raised. That was it.
I thought good things for and about my family and then also had some weird idea come to mind about some rich person who lost a lot of money yesterday. But I didn't know who. I don't think it was a bad person either.
There was a lot of odd gaming and harassment and I felt, definitely, that along with fasting I need to pray more, because there is still something or some group that doesn't want to let go of me or quit influencing my life (in a not so good way I think). So I think this is going to take some work.
I've prayed for the women I stay with right now too, that good things will happen for them.
My first news item to read was that Obama had a split lip. Then I read about Korea because I did read about them yesterday. When I had picked up the little boy, and then set him down, I wondered if he had had something happen with his lip. Something came to mind about lip but I guess it was Obama or a coincidence.
I was just joking with this guy at the cafe here about the habaneros and he said, yeah, maybe with the gel-caps and I said, "That's a good idea! you could probably market that" he said, "I might have the million dollar idea" and I said, "No! it's mine!" we laughed. Seriously though, I am looking up habaneros

Oh here we are. I really AM an Estah! Look at this. Habaneros make prostate cancer cells commit suicide, from "ester":
NaturalNews) Hot peppers are great for spicing up food. They may be even better for keeping the human body feeling in the spice of life.
Capsaicin is the active ingredient in hot peppers and the one that turns up the heat. It is a compound useful in nature for preventing pepper plants from being eaten by insects and animals. When capsaicin is consumed by humans in the form of hot sauce, chili peppers or cayenne pepper, it offers a wealth of health benefits. One that has received much recent attention is the ability of capsaicin to make prostate cancer cells commit suicide.


It claims habaneros get about 80% of prostate cancer cells to die. And then it also compares the capascin (?msp) of jalapenos to habaneros. Which is why, I think, I knew intuitively that buying 3 jalapenos was pointless for killing my cold. I had to walk an hour and a half to get to the habaneros. They are significantly hotter and the heat comes from increased levels of capasicin. CAPSAICIN. I have to know how to spell it to write about it. I guess it's good for all kinds of cancer and tumors.

I believe it, because it kills my colds so well. I ingested about half of one at one time, diced up and just swallowed, and my ears started popping, my nose was running, and, oh believe me, you feel it. Last night, after having ingested the pepper, I went to bed and, I don't know how to describe it, but I do think it has something to do with heart and oxygen too, and how it comes in and out of the body. I can't explain it but I had these small bursts of almost air or a short cessation and then air, but it wasn't burping, it was different and it came from my chest. I really believe in habaneros. The first two times I tried it, it was when I felt a kind of head cold or congestion coming on, and aching and something people were getting that last for two months. Yesterday, I fully had a deep chest cough but didn't need to cough hardly at all and it felt "too late" but I decided to try it anyway and it still did something, but I think it's necessary to use a larger dose. I guess I'll get more.

Here's something not very scientific but may be true, and by a doctor, about effects of capsaicin on oxygen and even bleeding: http://www.bastis.org/cayenne.htm and from 1996! http://www.sciencedirect.com/science?_ob=ArticleURL&_udi=B6T99-3VYTCPR-10&_user=10&_coverDate=06%2F07%2F1996&_rdoc=1&_fmt=high&_orig=search&_origin=search&_sort=d&_docanchor=&view=c&_searchStrId=1557947179&_rerunOrigin=google&_acct=C000050221&_version=1&_urlVersion=0&_userid=10&md5=4940ed18295908af6ffc883341ad42f6&searchtype=a
Here's something about liquorice or the kind of root or wooden licorice sticks I bought and then chewed on yesterday. I chewed little pieces until the sweetness was out and then threw out the rest. I found today the Chinese use it to suppress coughs, so maybe this helped my cough. It's good for other things too, but there is always caution to be used. Probably not good for pregnant women. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Liquorice
Now I'm looking up chocolate. I was wondering this morning, what the difference is between the dark chocolates? Because I went to the store and was comparing Lindts 85% dark chocolate with Lady Godiva's 85% dark chocolate. The bars were both 3.5 ounces and a few nutrients were different but I went with least expensive--Lindts was on sale. $2 as opposed to $4. However, I noticed with Lindts the calcium or protein was 4% of the RDA and LDs was 2% which made me think there was less milk and more actual chocolate in LDs. The other thing was the difference in iron. For the exact same amount, Lindts had 15% RDA for iron and LDs listed 40% of the RDA for iron. 40%! is a lot of iron. So what does this mean? I noticed Lindts has cocoa powder listed instead of just "chocolate" so maybe the powder is? I don't know.
I tried to get work as well. I asked around and called but it feels like a game. A game in the sense of people wanting me to contact a particular place just to win some bet that I would contact them, with no intention at all of giving me work. There are not quite as many like this here, but I noticed that RIGHT after I blogged how it was better here or good that I came here, someone or some group totally RAMPED up the harassment and sent their minions out. I'm not kidding. I don't know who is SO literally terrified of me, but it was ghastly. And I know, too, that this is not representative of most of the people but there are some who seem to have people to send out who have time on their hands to be terrible. When they go out, they have always gone out in large groups, to make it seem much worse than it is and since I'm walking, it's easy to concentrate in one spot. Sort of like a media rush but a little more like a "n'er-do-gooders' rush. I feel that at least I've recognized this, and I don't have to feel or assume the entire world is against me. It's just a very monied group that has some bizarre interest in doing harm to me but they are not everyone. They don't speak for everyone either, though they'd like to and would like to have me believe it's everyone. It only "feels" this way because when it's concentrated, it's overwhelming. I think there is some blacklisting with and among them but again, I do not believe this is everyone either. It's just beating or getting around the brat pack when they mobilize whenever someone worries I might end up in a normal job or back in college. I really do think they believe I am "the beast" the way they behave.

I noticed this last night, because they were all mobilized in a certain area and then I just took off, not knowing the area, and cut through all kinds of uncharted local territory: parks, lots, cross-streets and when I came out in a different area, the assholes were gone. Most of them at least. Not having a vehicle makes me susceptible to being easy to follow and encircle. As soon as I get outside of their brat zone, things are fine.

There is a temp place open on Fridays usually but they said not for Thanksgiving holidays. But I have made an honest effort and volunteered for chores at the place I'm staying at as well. I tried to volunteer to clean the bathroom when it wasn't my turn but someone spoke up more loudly. I just raised my hand.

There is no reason why I shouldn't be employed with work. In Washington, impossible. If I got a job there, I was then getting arrested the next day on false charges, just to keep me out of work.

I have a few more people to contact, who gave me their names.
This is strange but I think I am close to cured of the cold already. A few heard me cough yesterday so they know it was chest cough but I had the rest of of the habanero and about 6-8 tea bags of earl grey and the bagel and I am actually not even feeling it in my chest anymore at all. I also ate half of the bar of dark chocolate.
At some point in the cafe someone nearby was doing something with technology but it was for a short time. They must have come in and sat nearby. I noticed something speeding up or overcharging my computer at the same time. But they are gone or not doing this now and overall, it's not as bad here. When this starts to happen I always wonder who is reading my blog or who is interested in what I have to say, or what is so challenging, that some group feels it's time to zone in on me and do something.
random impressions (novelty): when I was thining vladdie laddie, yesterday, I sort of thought vladdie laddie himself picked up on it but then the other thing was of a blonder man (?) maybe, with a very pale light blue shirt on. Long sleeved very pale blue shirt. Maybe a juxposition of 2 different people. He got a smirk on his face. he had this slight smile and then I smiled or smirked to see this, because I knew some man picked up on it and was amused. I sensed good energy with it but not sure who it was associated with.

The other impression was when I was in church. I really don't know who this man was that I "saw" in the minds eye but he was handsome and youngish and he was either copying what I was doing, or something. I don't know if he was a deliberate psychic type because I didn't see him in the church and it was for the Kings Feast service I attended. When I was sitting and bowing my head with my hands clasped in front of me, elbows on my knees and arms straight out, I saw some blondish man with curly or wavy hair. It wasn't long but not super short either. It was not slightly wavy but a little more than this and he did the same thing at about the same time.

Then, I forgot to mention and it's not an impression, but this man who stood behind me at church had a really beautiful singing voice but wasn't singing. He only sang a little bit like he wanted to be singing but wasn't going to sing intentionally for some reason--he was very weirded out by me I think. I don't think he knew what to think but I think I freaked him out a little, like he hadn't wanted to like me but couldn't help but see I was halfway normal or some kind of conflicting feeling of reality in something.

Then, sort of fun was this one flapping free wheeling-reeling dervish man with a british accent who I recognized for some reason, and he had a nice family and I could sense whenever he was looking at me and sometimes, what he was even thinking about. Which was sort of strange and then I knew to expect him coming out from behind this one pillar and he did. It was strange in the sense of a pretty sound "psychic" connection in just a sense of awareness. Very deja vu too but not sure why. Accents maybe faked but if so, done very well, by the entire family. It was too good to be fake I think, but who knows. It was the day of feigned and heir-apparent accents. Here you go Chicago Brit:http://www.gregangelo.com/define.htm

I've also noticed a few psychic kids too. That's kind of cool.

Friday, November 26, 2010

No Pain--Confirmation of Violence--9th Day of Fast

Today is the 9th day of my fast.

Yesterday for Thanksgiving I had only tea, water, and 2 ham and cheddar hot pockets at mid-day.

I didn't take any ibuprofen or over the counter medication because I wanted to bear the pain and feel exactly what was going on.

I was in extreme pain all day in my lower back, after what happened to me. It last the entire day and into evening. I went to bed lying on my back at first because of the pain.

However, by this morning, it was completely gone.

Which indicates it is not the wearing off of any medication, but exactly what I said it was.

I believe it is going to take at least a few weeks to a month for the drugs and medications I've been given to wear off. I don't know about the violence and use of technology--what will happen there.

I know that for over 2 years this has been going on, with medication and I believe at least 3 years with use of technology as a weapon. Since 2007.

I am thankful that it quit. I went back to the place, hoping, and in faith that it wouldn't happen again last night. It didn't and I slept well enough. I woke to know without a doubt, that with zero influence of any medication, it was the effects of technology and then it wore off. It's not like I strained something. It was the very same thing that my poor 4 year old, then a baby, suffered with me, for no reason, and in innocence.

Last night I was also thankful to have a moment in a warm and cheery spot, to listen to some thanksgiving music. I had wanted to go to a thanksgiving day service somewhere but missed out and then thought it would be nice to be at a music and worship service but since there wasn't anything, I had a little time in a small and cozy room, to listen to thanksgiving hymns, gospel choirs, a few arias, and then my favorite discovery, "Come Thou Fount Of Every Blessing". What I felt would be nice, in that moment, would have been a small service with a loud and rolling black and mixed gospel choir, with gospel music and sort of r&b, gospel praise. But I made what I could out of it and then went back and everything was fine last night.

One thing that hit my funny bone and is ridiculous, but the last words someone said to me before I was back at the women's place, were "No, no" by a British doorman or one with this accent. At the same time I said, as I ran out the door and stopped to see it was pouring rain, "Oh no! Rain." and popped out the umbrella and ran through it. It is really stupid but last night it was dark and lights were out and I was rolling my wet hair in curlers and I suddenly laughed out loud. I suddenly thought of this short moment but as "Oh no. Raine." (with an 'e') and I don't know why I even thought of this but it suprised me and I laughed. Yeah, it sounds nuts but it was very funny for a minute. I think it only came to me that way because of the echo of the "no, no" with a british accent. I have no clue. I wasn't thinking about any of them, but it came to mind and was such a flash, and so fast, it caught me off guard.

I looked up the wiki on the hymn Fount of Every Blessing just now. Last night was the first time I recall listening to this song and it just came up when I typed in a search, into youtube, for "thanksgiving hymns," and songs and such. I also looked up Ebenezer, because at one point it says "I lift my Ebenezer" and I guess this is a "stone of help". I first heard it by the BYU Mormon Tabernacle Choir and then I listened to the Chris Rice and Jars of Clay versions. I also heard "To God Be The Glory" by Andre Crouch, and a Brooklyn Tabernacle Choir praise hymn about thanksgiving, "The Praise the Lord, praise the lord, let the earth hear his voice; praise the lord, praise the lord, let the people rejoice; oh come to the father through Jesus his son and give him the glory great things he has done." And an aria by Kiri Te Kanawa, "Unexpected Song" by Andrew Lloyd Webber, and a few others. I guess I listened to the Fount of Every Blessing one the most because it was the first time I've heard it and I really liked the words and melody.

This morning I started out with a Red Bull. It's an Earl Gray tea and Red Bull day. And I looked for habanero peppers to ward off a possible cold onset but they didn't have any! so I had to go with jalapenos. I need some habaneros though. I diced up a jalapeno and swallowed it. I really am not convinced it's hot enough. I will have to find the habanero people.

This morning started out great. I met some nice people right away and everyone seems to be having a good day so far. Or good start to their morning.

I know that having confirmed I am being tortured, literally, and that this is the sole reason for the pain yesterday, and that I was medicated for so long, I felt, this morning, a breakthrough.

I felt a breakthrough in the sense that if I continue to control what I am eating or drinking, I will have no doubt as to what is being done to me. I've been very trusting and negligent in my trust.

This isn't really why I started out with a fast, but I have found it's practical too. A week ago I wouldn't go into a church by ducking under a ladder. I didn't think they had what I needed anyway and found out I was right--they didn't so it was good not to. But then a few days ago I walked under a ladder bc it was in my way and path and I said to myself, "I believe in common sense and no nonsense as much as some signs". Then, that night I read about d'Caprio's flight to Russia to donate money for tigers and how he braved some edgy flights.

I am not allowing others and their interpretations of signs and things to influence things or what I think about what I am to do or should be doing.

I have a little old fashioned sense of luck and signs but I am, maybe more clear headed again, coming back to my grounded sense of what is practical.

It was strange too, because some of the harassment quit and I almost feel like it's with the idea that if I'm not being medicated, there is less leeway in getting away with things or thinking that I don't notice. I have no idea.

I am hoping there is a big breakthrough in figuring out who is behind all of the torture of me and my son. I am also hoping for a breakthrough back to myself and my own power and my own son. I do believe it was good that I came to Tennessee. Some tried to mess that up too, but I still believe it was a good decision and I should have left much sooner. It's at least a little easier to sort some things out.

I am hoping my natural humor, creativity, energy and sense of stability returns after the crap I've been given over and off and on is out of my system for good.

I feel good so far. It doesn't make sense that I would have this much energy or feel okay without very much food, but I am feeling better, not worse.

Yesterday my back was killing me and I ran through it anyway, and told myself, with old cross-country training mentality, "You run through the pain." So I did. It wasn't going to aggravate my condition because I knew it was from technology and not because of my bones or structure or a strain. It was pain and aching from being tortured and it wasn't going to worsen the condition to run despite the pain. I didn't have to because I had enough time to get back, but it felt good to run anyway, even with the pain that someone put upon me, which I didn't deserve, and to be running through it regardless.

But I don't feel hunger pains or anything. I miss tasting things, the sensual nature of food more than anything at all. I like eating just because of the flavors. I don't feel really tired either. And if I start to feel really out of it or weak, I allow myself something small like a granola bar, to eat and so far, it's been really good.

When I was being medicated, people got away with so much more. It was like, just blame it on meds, or make a joke out of it, or use so many different things as an excuse when there isn't one. I feel that it is a very serious danger sometimes, to those who are labled mentally ill, because people take advantage of this decision that labels and then they get away with more. Which is the whole point of calling someone who is normal, mentally ill to begin with.

If a group can discredit someone who is normal, as being mentally ill and then pile on further harm, how can anyone rise from this?

Thursday, November 25, 2010

Example Of Rich Encouraging Poor (to do bad)

I walked out of the cafe today, thinking I might get ibuprofen so I went to the store and then decided against it, because I felt it would be better to know exactly what is going on with my body at this point, and not mask it with advil or anything.

Even though I am in extreme, extreme pain. I haven't been taking any kind of medication on my own, OTC, of any kind, and haven't needed to and it's not because others medicated me. It's because when I'm not literally being tortured, there is nothing wrong with me.

I also thought about when I started having the pain and was it overnight and no, I felt the pain about 5-10 minutes after the service and what happened there. Because I remember I then had to climb up to the bunk and was in too much pain to do it all of sudden. I guess it was possibly after my shower, so possibly up to 30 minutes later I guess. I can't remember now, if I first noticed the onset of pain right after the service or if it took a little time and then set in.

So I then considered getting something to eat but decided to wait and instead just gauged things happening around me. It's quiet today, so noticing who is following me around and there was another big line up of peple from out of state but one plate I got of a man who was very interested, was from Pennsylvania. He was driving a silver BMW and had plates HMS 6566. It was a BMW sportscar and what stood out to me was that he was alone and that interested in whether I crossed over a section of parking lot where someone had left a carved up red apple that had been placed in the middle. The man literally looked at the apple and then at me and cracked up laughing. This indicates a rich person who probably pays someone who is into voodoo or wicca to work out the games and objectives of the rich. That or military.

There is absolutely no reason for me to be this interesting to be followed everywhere. Not unless others with a lot of time and money on their hands, have an interest in harming me and my son. Are they helping us? no, not for all the interest they demonstrate. What have they done to be normal or assist?

So another row of people from other states drove by and then some guy with a "Continentals" hat walks by me. I guess that was the point. To replicate what happened several days ago when I noticed all the assholes from other other states (not all of them assholes) coming in to harass me.

Another woman with dark brown hair, sunglasses and a baseball hat, in a maroon SUV, with interest in me, and plates 3832 New York. I am pretty sure NY but wanted a closer look. I didn't get a good feeling from her at all. There is something wrong with her heart and mental state. For someone with interest in me, she was far too amused and thought I was hilarious and a laughingstock to have good interest. She was one of the prime movers and not just following for fun like some of them do. She is more involved with what's happening to me and my son. Then right after her, some guy from Kansas, 450 BBA. Also, not great. Then there was someone from TN who looked slightly mortified.

There are serious assholes at the Starbucks I'm at today too. One okay and a couple of others who are not good. One of the guys here is Jewish but he might be, not sure.. I guess he wasn't even supposed to be working today. The other woman with almost black hair looks goth but I don't know.

I wrote down something that just happened just now and then after taking plates of some of the assholes, I asked a couple that was standing nearby, "So what's the demographic for assholes in Nashville? because I looked up the demographics but I didn't see that one and I'm just wondering." They said they didn't know and were laughing and I said, "I don't know. You either have a few or you they sure feel welcome coming into town."

Some guy just moved here from Texas, "Jordan", I guess, at least that's what he said and this was the car he was driving and he was high-fiving this goth woman when I went to a dollar store and passed some homeless guy holding a sign for "head and bed" and I wondered why they were high fiving and thought something was so hilarious about me or the guy they asked to come over to the Starbucks at that time. Then I saw this other Starbucks guy come in at that time and he was also high-fiving. I don't know if they're giving their actual names but this woman was here yesterday too and acted like she hated me already and I have no clue who she is. She didn't like me yesterday though, so maybe if the 3 were high fiving over setting up some kind of harassment, it has more to do with her. I have no idea. She was glaring at me all day yesterday, well, for the whole time I was here which was only for about an hour. I just found out the woman's name and it's "Kalle" and she is one of the managers. So the other guy's name is "Stevie" he said, and they had some guy literally come in here who had the same voice and looked like a truck driver I knew named Mark. They just thought this was hiliarious, and because I could tell they were trying to belittle me and a part of some harassment of me I made note of the others who were so interested in what my reaction was as well and what was unfolding. Now I have some people from Brazil here who I'm sure are nice but anyone from Brazil makes me think of Mykal Holt and she was such an atrocious first rep for Brazil. But this was just very mean what some were doing and I got the following plates: "Jordan" newly arrived to Starbucks from TX with plates from Texas BT2 PO84. Right at the corner watching him were a couple from Virginia in an SUV with plates XUK 1944. Then it was XXFIB (a couple who thought everything was also hilarious & I have their plates somewhere else)and then O54 TRI Iowa, with a woman who was so obnoxious I flipped her off. Then a couple in a black truck who both hid their faces with plates from TN, 602 SLV. And then YRJ 1203 from N. Carolina, all thinking it was amusing but some wanting to not be seen. All of the women had dark brown hair. Men too, in that round or dark blond.

I have a feeling someone is going to start making a connection with at least one of the plates or persons and I think it will lead to something very big. "She's got the ___________ after her."

I sense and know there is going to be a breakthrough somewhere and I am trusting this.

A few other plates from today: MA2 KEM from Texas, 760 XTA Iowa (I think I wrote this already). 259 LAN, Florida--not sure what the interest was but it was there and more discreet.
Some of the people from this morning, when I first left and my back was killing me--all black and 1 latino while all these others were caucasian in appearance. All of the others below were waving goodbye to me and saying "bye" at the same time.

Sedan 007 NJP (TNN) saying "Bye" to me but I didn't know them and with a malicious look.
black truck 284 WLD
latino in white van 506 QZW
Thank God that for the first time all day, since I wrote I think someone is going to figure something out, I felt good energy. Either someone praying for me, someone doing better, or just better energy. Something is feeling right in the middle of all this.
I need to go to the people who were involved on the day when there was this harassment just on the block, and the woman in the black mercedes.

Violence At Shelter, Intelligence, #13

Some of the women who have come into the shelter/hostel where I've been staying have had an interest in me that is not a "homeless persons" interest but intel in nature.

I was also running into a lot of intel yesterday and caught them.

Last night, there was violence when I came in for the mandatory chapel service and sat down. The woman next to me began to cry and I didn't know why. She said her name was "Angie" which made me think of the one from the Russian Baptist church. She got up and moved and then all of a sudden, a few minutes later, a huge blast and warming like that of what I experienced with the dangerously strong ultrasound at the Baptist church. It was not gradual but a very strong burst and I felt it and some of the people there watched me.

Right after this, a woman in nurse pants and shirt came over and sat next to me instead of the other woman and the "Angie" woman was sitting behind me. I wondered why a woman in nurse attire was sitting by me or chose this and then the other woman on my other side wanted me to see her shirt, which was "St. Thomas Medical Center."

After I was blasted with the technology, I knew it was some kind of joke and point, to then have a woman in nurse smock and attire sit next to me.

They didn't even have a full service but it was so strong and so bad, that as soon as I left, my lower back and pelvis were in extreme pain all night. It was the same thing that happened in Russian Baptist church the one time and also that happened to both me and my son for months when we were in E. Wenatchee.

My lower back hurt so bad I couldn't sleep in my normal position. I had to sleep on my side curled up, which is not how I usually sleep but it was the only way to alleviate the pain.

It had nothing to do with my fast, which I wouldn't broadcast except to point out that when I have noticed medication, I noticed exactly when it happened because I was otherwise fasthing. Secondly, I have been fasting for 3 days now. Maybe more like 4 days. I've made some adjustments to it, having only something to drink (tea, water, or coffee) and prepackaged granola bars only for energy if I feel fatigue. Yesterday I drank tea and watched where all my water came from, and had one granola bar (Nature's) for lunch and that was it. I have had ZERO stomach cramping since I quit eating food from that shelter.

Someone had tried to say it was "the water" when it wasn't. Someone was putting medication or drugs of some kind, in the food and/or the drinks (orange juice and milk in cartons). I quit taking any of it and had zero problems with the bleeding and stomach cramping.

My health felt very good and better, and I've had no problems at all. My strength has been coming back, not getting depleted, and this is what makes it easy for me to tell what happened last night was isolated incident and is bad enough to cause symptoms almost immediately.

I am 100% positive that I was medicated. 100%, no shadow of a doubt. And heavily medicated. I believe I've had a number of medications tried on me over the last 2 years. I have no mental illness, but the use of technology and then medications and eliminating or adding certain factors has been used to try to prove or make it appear that I am mentally ill when I'm not. It has also been done to interfere with how I'm perceived by others.

I had zero stomach cramping or hair falling out when I quit taking prepared food or even the milk or orange juice. That stuff was even in cartons, and sealed, but I have realized this does not mean it's safe.

I had all the symptoms of being medicated. I had severe memory issues, severe stomach cramping that was abnormal for me, hair falling out in clumps for extended periods of time, and at different times, a bizarre sensation in the head or tingling thing and just weird taste in mouth and other things.

As for the lower back pain, I have had zero back pain until I sat in the chapel service last night. I then went from completely strong and healthy with no aching bones to severe pain within 10 minutes and it lasted all night and this morning.

I know it is from technology because if it was something "wearing off" it wouldn't "wear off" all of a sudden, in just 10 minutes. Nothing wears off that fast.

I've been fasting for 4 days. There wouldn't be a sudden onset of excruciating pain in just 10 minutes. That's impossible with medication. Medication gradually wears off and then if there is underlying pain, this worsens gradually. Unless you're on narcotics and in that case, they wear off in a few hours and all the pain is back suddenly.

Actually, since I've been in Nashville, TN, I have fasted in some ways, since I got into town. I can remember every meal since I arrived. But in the last 4 days, I really watched where even my water from tea was coming from. When I got water from behind a counter yesterday and I didn't see where the guy brought it from, I dumped it out in the bathroom sink, filled it with bathroom sink water and then walked to a microwave store, where there was a microwave, and heated up my water.

Since I started doing this, zero health problems. None. Except for maybe getting a little tired here and there or fuzzy minded for a short time because of my food fast.

I have had only one full meal since I've been here, when a man invited me to sample southern cooking at a restaurant and I had a round course. The rest of the day I fasted with liquids and maybe a granola bar.

Aside from this, the only other place I've had food given to me or prepared for me, is at the shelter and I only ate there twice. I had from their breakfast on the first day I ate there, only wheat corn chex, a milk and an orange juice (they were both sealed). The second time I had breakfast there I only ate the oatmeal and nothing else and it had been pre-sweetened, and I had a carton of orange juice that was sealed. I had breakfast there 2 times.

Oh, I also had a hamburger at a McDonalds and that's it.

In the last 7 days the rest of my intake has been only tea, coffee, water, 1 V-8, 1 green food Naked juice, oatmeal granola bars, and a small package of carrots. I had one full square meal since I've been here a week and that was at a restaurant. It consisted of BBQ pulled pork, squash casserole, baked beans, and green salad with balsamic vinegrette. I only ate half of everything that I ordered. Half of the pork, I guess all of the squash casserole, half of the beans, and half of the salad and I had a lemonade with it and then a glass of water.

After fasting from food this much for an entire week, I am very acute at picking up whether something is tampered with or not. And I know for a fact that there was some kind of medication in the shelter food I received. Then, I felt I had been given something in possibly my hamburger or even coffee or water when I wasn't watching so I just cut all opportunity for mistakes out entirely. I watched every single thing and that's been for at least 4 days. And my health has been getting better slowly.

Until, like I said, I was sitting in chapel last night after feeling great all day and then someone did something there and about 20 minutes later I was almost incapacitated.

I was fasting for spiritual reasons, not any other reason, and I don't need to lose weight, but it was spiritual and for work and my son, but it ended up helping me to figure out other things that are going on. I have been able to pinpoint times I've been given medication or drugs and this is true too, in general of my trip to Bonner's Ferry though I took more risks then and I wasn't fasting like I have been now.

My tea has been from monitored water sources and I bought a large box of Twinnings Earl Grey (50 bags) and before that, I had other Earl Grey tea I used when I first came into town. I have only gone through 8 granola bars total (Nature's Valley oatmeal bars) in 7 days. I guess 8 days now.

I can pinpoint exactly when something has happened.

Since I came into Nashville on Nov. 17, 2010, 8 days ago, I've had the following:
1. about 8 oatmeal granola bars,
2. small package of carrots,
3. 1/2 cup of oatmeal,
4. 1/2 cup of wheat chex,
5. 1 double cheeseburger from mcdonalds,
6. pulled pork, casserole, beans, corn bread, and salad from Mc.Clouds,
7. very small tray of corn chips with salsa and guacamole (about 2 handfuls of chips and a small condiment cup of salsa and guacamole),

and that's it. Otherwise, juice and liquid and some of it from others and then I quit that and only monitored where my water was coming from and quit taking even carton drinks from the shelter. In 8 days, I have become attuned to exactly what SHIT some have tried to pull.

I've also picked up on intel during this time. I'm sure I haven't picked up on everything, but some of it I have, and I have been able to confirm. Aside from being blasted by some kind of non-lethal weapon technology at the church "service" last night, I had someone last night use something that affected my heart. It may have been from someone outside, but the man I was talking to, I picked up on and I knew he had some connection to someone in England. He may not have been the person who used something that affected my heart though. I don't know who but he averted his eyes and that's not the confirmation. My confirmation came from him in a sense. He came in and sat down and before I talked to him I picked up on: "He is from possibly the NW and is connected to someone in England". Then I was talking to him and told him this and he denied it and said "West Africa" and that his parents had been missionaries there and he went to a boarding school there. He had zero accent. But then, he looked at me intently when I said England and as he was talking I got the name, "franklin" coming from him. I said nothing. He then handed me an address to a church in "Franklin" and I said, "You have some psychic abilities, don't you?" He said why and what did I mean and I said, "I was picking up on franklin before you ever wrote this down. I also picked up on the fact that you are connected to someone from England but you denied it but now I know I'm probably right." I told him either he or someone around him was psychic because I wouldn't otherwise get this before he told me.

Concerning is a woman named "Armor" who has a British accent or fakes one. She saw where I was sitting and was very happy about it and then moved. She has been watching me from Day One even thought she doesn't share a room with me. She is white, pretty, in her 30s or 40s and has a post punk hair mullet cut. Something one could dress up or down. She wears plain clothes and cardigans but all she needs is a black jacket with zippers, striped stockings and Miu Miu. I suppose it's modern. She looks like a Londoner. I thought she was English before I ever heard her accent. Her features are delicate, and she wears no make up. I'm sure she's a knock out in a suit. She might not be English though and just faking the accent but this is what I thought and she has been using some kind of british accent.

What happened last night was straight up violence. It is not visible, but it is violence. For some reason, this woman "Armor" was happy it was happening. So I question where she is from and what her connections are. I've never seen her before going to this shelter.

I am also wondering if the woman below my bunk was also using this weird technology, or someone in the room, because even though I did notice how bad the heating was in the chapel service, the pain is so extreme still, that I really wonder if it was just that really serious blast or if it was also overnight. Usually though, the heating is felt and then no aching until after the heating source is removed. It's serious and it's real and it's violence and I believe, given to poor and corruptible by rich, to carry out their deeds. I am in a lot of pain this morning. I obviously have to buy ibuprofen for it but that anyone did this to begin with is sick. And this is not the first time.

When is the U.S. going to step up and put an end to this and TAKE OUT these assholes?

Then I walked out this morning and some were watching me, suprised I was walking normally and that I was going out. Then I had several persons of african-american background, drive by me and then one latino in a van, all saying "BYE" as if THEY knew what had happened. I wrote down some of their plates and will post them today along with the plates for the woman in the black mercedes prowling around the other evening and some other things.

Last night was odd too.

They've put me on bed #13 from the first day.

At this shelter. They assigned me to bed #13 which has a mattress that doesn't even fit on the bed because it's too long so one side is elevated because it won't fit down on the springs. There are all these other beds with mattress that fit fine. I didn't complain and I said nothing. But then last night, just some really weird stuff.

Last night I asked for a Bible again and the woman said I could only have a New Testament and that's all they had. Some of the staff is a trip.

Wednesday, November 24, 2010

problems today with internet and maps

I cannot believe some of the things that are happening.

I end up in a better mood, trying to not dwell on things and to forgive and forget but it's out of control.

There is some kind of fear about me.

No one would spend so much time and trouble and use so many people, with regard to me alone, if there was not a very specific and crucial fear with some.

Of what, I'm not completely sure.

I tried to get a simple map and directions to a restaurant and someone or some group was deliberately changing the directions and maps. I even had addresses on the actual website for the restaurant changing.

I don't know this area, and when I get that much contradictory information, it is impossible to go anywhere or know where I'm going without reliable GPS.

I spent an HOUR almost, trying to map out and get simple directions for a place, and this is something that would usually take less than 5 minutes, but today, some group wanted to make it impossible. I went to the site for the place several times but a few things were changing there too so I was confused.

I followed the map point but then should have just gone with the restaurant address since I was there--however, almost all of the maps were saying it was in the heart of Vanderbilt U area so I thought this must be a new address or possibly a different branch or a street with similiar name. I tried both ways.

Then I went online and tried to call a few numbers and suddenly, temporary agencies with non-existant addresses and phone numbers were popping up. I was calling dead end numbers. I know information is always changing, but this was far bigger than usual. Or normal.

I would then call a few numbers even for consulates and they were not even real numbers or going anywhere. It's like these pages came up with numbers and yet they weren't real numbers.

Meanwhile, a ton of people were following me around as I tried to find this restaurant. I am now wondering if the lead to the restaurant was even legitimate or just a joke and waste of time. I went anyway, to do my part, and I would hope, hope, that it's not about misleading me, esp. since I met these men after church.

Some things I've not even written about yet...some of the very odd planned and staged harassment. For example, a group of about 8 people literally plotted around this place where I was walking back, to have a man and woman try to provoke me about my son, to remind me of him and mock me that I do not have him with me. That was 2 evenings ago and then while I was being stopped by a man on a bike who was totally poor and homeless, I saw he was coordinating what he was doing with these middle class persons, and then of all things, this woman drives by very slowly in a newer mercedes with tinted windows. She circled the place and waved off at all of them. ?! I am not kidding. She had plenty of money, and they were all there, spending time to deliberately cause me sadness and grief and to laugh and mock me over my own losses. And it was from homeless beggar, to young yuppie couple and their kid, and then this Gen. baby boomer group and then this woman driving around in her black mercedes, all on the same block, and all mocking me.

I thought this was really strange.

Then, for example, I just try to fill out an application and I can't do this without someone instructing the woman right next door to have my former supervisor's black pea coat on a chair with the same merino black scarf I wore from his room to work one day. It wasn't his things, but there was no one there, and just this clothing draped over one single chair and all the business people were in the back or in the back room. They wanted me to notice. Then the woman comes out and says it is only a temp agency for nurses.

I don't believe anyone would have known what his coat and that scarf looked like except for people in D.C. and why would someone play games over that, over here? It was intentional and deliberate.

Other things have been done at this shelter I have stayed at, basically using it like a hostel. I don't eat there, and only sleep there to save money. That's it. To me, it's a basic hostel gig + chapel.

But last night, a few of the staff were doing really mean things again. One day they had all this stuff laid out for me to see, items which were identical to specific things from the place in Wenatchee, Wa. I said, where did they get those things and who set them out on the table (where I would notice). I knew they weren't mine, but I still wondered what was going on. Then, last night, this woman refused to give me a Bible even though she had a bunch of used Bibles to hand out. She was a little younger than I am and this is supposed to be a christian funded place and she claims she is as well, and she refused to give me a Bible and then finally gave me something that was a NT Bible and smirked as she handed it to me. It said "The Hope Bible" on it. She told me, "All we have are New Testament Bibles tonight." Which wasn't true and I told her, "There are several Bibles for temporary use in the main office and in your bookcase" and she said, "Some of those are not mine to give out." Several were, and she was just wanting me to have the "Hope Bible". She was supposed to be, IS supposed to be, their "counselor". She spent her time lying and pretending she couldn't understand what I was asking for and then refusing to just be normal and give me a Bible. I guess it was her way of "smiting" me for saying what reservations I've had with some groups and the questions I have (rightly).

These are sheep people. They don't travel, all of them, and they don't know what's going on, but one would think, by the way so many of them have been given instruction to do certain things, that me and my personal life and all those associated with me were as public eye and known as a celebrities. It's not that they have anything against me really--they don't even know me. But who is directing this, is the group to question. There is something very "off" about it and no group would instruct so many people to harass me unless they were very afraid of me.

I have tried to find some who are independent and willing to be separate from some of this, but they are few and far between. Some of these people, they may be from groups opposed to this kind of thing but they might be easily bought, in this kind of time and economic situation.

Some of the nastiest things have been done and I just came here, in peace, to look for a little bit of work. I have people constructing some of the craziest and large-scale forms of harassment and intimidation that you can imagine.

Every time I turn a corner, it is some other act and some new incident.

To describe how grand-scale it is...the woman in the black mercedes with the group on the block harassing me about my son...this took up about a half hour of time and they had planned it out. The planning of it took much longer than a 1/2 hour and they were getting off on it. Like when the group of professionals at the library stole things from my bag and passed it off as something done by low-level people. Even one of the librarians knew about it. I caught him, winking at the guy who was supposed to be the one to deflect attention from those who really did it. It was a librarian, a group of normal looking professionals and then some gangster looking types. The officer came and said who did it and I said, "What do you think? The professional people passed it off to the low level people. That's the way it usually is, isn't it?"

The rich buying off the poor, to assuage their own fears and accomplish what they mean to accomplish.

What happened when I went to Bonner's Ferry was far worse. They had planned it for months and those involved were some hard and cold people.

What I witnessed there is what convinces me it is possible for large groups to keep quiet about even major crimes.

Which is something I don't get--with regard to my situation. Why would some of the same people who had their ancestors persecuted with large groups keeping quiet, turn around and do the very same thing?

I guess the Nazis got away with what they did by stirring up hate, fear, and propaganda and jealousy, and the idea that if some people were not stopped it would be bad for the others and their families and "society". How interesting that the very same concerns about ME have created this kind of chaos, and that the same groups with ancestors who were persecuted for these reasons, are willing to turn around and do the same thing to another and to allow it to happen, and keep their silence.

No one would be getting this much satisfaction out of following me around and keeping me down, unless they were afraid of me, or jealous and had a need to eliminate what it is in me that creates these emotions in them.

My mother wrote back that she didn't think I had really been medicated. I had to confirm it is true and it's not the first time. It has happened a lot, and this is, I think, one of the fears--that some group doesn't want the facts of what has been done to me and my son to get out. Some people know, but like those germans who "knew" where the Jews and gypsies and disabled were going but didn't want to say a word, they keep it to themselves. No one wants accounability. As long as they can do their hail hitlers, regardless of what religion and nationality or military background, and have their table set and keep their "rolfs" employed, they follow blindly.

But they think that I am the one who is blind.

I have seen more children, instructed and trained to do certain things or behave in a certain way and it's really sad to see. Most of all, seeing this from kids, and knowing they had to actually take lessons from adult assholes to do and say what they do and say, is very disturbing. From the yuppie middle-rich to the poor, I have seen it.

Some things are different here but it's just a desperate shift of power from NW to this side. Someone told me a lot of people who come into Nashville are from California and the NW so this must be how it is more quickly spread.

I wrote some things down.
I have yet to find out who is going to help me prove what has happened, at least with medical evidence. I have evidence of lying and collusion through my medical records already. It is not hard to prove.

But with regard to torture, medications, and poisonings...I need someone who has no reason to be against me and no reason to play up to any particular party.

I want to prove it. If I have to pull out a tooth to have analzyed in another country, I will do it.

I am really tired of false leads for work too, just to have me waste time and go someplace where I won't be hired. Only a few have done this I think, but it is a waste of my time.

There have been many others who have been willing to consider employment for me, but it's just been a few who approach me and stand out, and then I waste my time on the few instead of going for what is really more likely.

I don't have a way to straighten this out until next week. I think next week will be better.

Computer Interferences

I am so tired of someone redirecting what I try to do on the internet. I have been trying to get a simple map to a location and every single other alternative pops up. Then I'm getting the walking man and all kinds of things.

I am just trying to get directions and a normal map!!!!

Why was it not this difficult before. My goodness.

At least I've heard some nice songs. Good music.

good energy this morning

I woke up and there was good energy that started to fill in at chapel at this one place. A different place for chapel today but I felt it.

It was very short but in that time I still sensed it there and it was a very good way to start out the day.

Thinking of my son a lot. It's all I want. What is my right to begin with. Last night's service was good as well. With all of the other really crazy things going on, I think about what is the one thing I want and it's what God me as my right to begin with--my son and just some kind of work and getting back into college. This isn't impossible.

I then went to a cafe and the song that first started from the beginning was my son's favorite, "jingle bells" and then one I like "Santa Baby" and then another one he really liked, "little drummer boy".

I am getting a lot of harassment, in ways you could not imagine, on top of seriously being medicated and everything, but my main wish is just to focus on most importants.
I guess I'm getting married sometime in my life too. Who knows when that will be but I got "I'm in love with a homeless woman" or "I'm marrying a homeless woman" I got it more like "I'm marrying a homeless woman" as this man was saying it in an aside to someone like he couldn't believe it himself. All I know is that he's not homeless. It was said sort of as an aside, in an almost sarcastic or dry sense. Sort of disbelief but pretty sure and realizing it. All I can say is, I hope you never told God "I will NEVER marry a homeless LADEEE!".

I thought to myself, "yeah, if I can agree to have my mug taken for a frickin' shelter you can be humble too."

The problem is, I don't even know who this is. I have NO clue.

All I know is that some guy can't believe he's going to marry some "homeless woman". It was sort of weird how I got it. It was last night I believe, and I was sitting in chapel for the service. I know it's no one I've ever lived with in Washington state, for sure.

Anyway. It was very embarrassing but I ran to the place after being harassed all day. Thinking, "I would rather stay up countless nights without sleep than be photographed and memorialized as having to be in a shelter at some point while looking for work." But I swallowed my pride and went back and when I went in, the woman said in shock, "You're here!" and I said, "Yes and I'm ready for my first official and formal portrait." She said, "Are you okay?" and I said, "Yeah, but I ran here because I had to sweat it up before the photo was taken."
I just pulled out my old cord and someone did something else to it which is really strange, especially since it had already blown up the cords. But I looked and someone cut them all off. Why in the world. It was still attached but since I've had someone take out my forms and take my scarf out of my bag, I guess someone wanted to severe my cord?!!!???! further. Then I looked at the wires more closely and what's weird is that the wires for the blue cord had black on them. They weren't new copper wires like the other ones were new. I twisted them back together but then just used my old cord. I thought my other cord had broken because the first one had not completely broken off. But then I realized I had a new one and then I still have my old one too. But someone went into my bag and twisted the red and green wire together. I have no idea why. But at any rate, there's not a problem.
Here is something very strange...Seriously.

I just looked up the Episcopal liturgical calendar because I am doing work instead of mid-day service today and what is really odd (!) is that on the day I went for service, yesterday, and it was for "Clement", well, I looked at the calendar and yesterday was for C.S. Lewis! What is even more bizarre is that I had gone to the church bookstore after service, and I went to the C.S. Lewis section (I think, or was it the day before? maybe the day before). At any rate, I pulled out some books of Lewis.

Oh i don't know. Who cares. Some churches have a slightly different schedule than the main. It doesn't matter. Oh who cares.

Today is a day to keep God in prayer but be looking for work and getting things done. A time and a place for everything.

Tuesday, November 23, 2010

"The Goodbye Girl" and Theft

I have had some really crazy things happening over here. I have people recently acting like there was some kind of countdown. I don't know what it's about completely, but it has been this very "in-your-face" kind of thing.

I have to report theft to the local police before I can go back to where I was staying I think. I also have to report being medicated without my consent.

Having someone put medication in my food altered everything I have been trying to do the last few days. I knew positively by yesterday, what was happening.

There have been a few strange incidents there.

I am also not reading headlines, but still a lot of constant observation over me and weird references to the will and kate stuff. I saw without reading the articles, about an April date being set. Which I didn't know about or I would have better understood all the smirks I was getting in the cafe by a barrista who worked there, as she played a song about April Baby.

For me, it made me think about how my son mentioned "April" and people freaked out in the visit and I wondered why. April kept coming up. And then it was April shampoo and conditioner being given to me at the last house I lived at in Wenatchee. The brand was "April". This was months ago, before anything was announced.

I am telling you, some very messed up things have been going on.


Pakistan Pardons Woman!

I thought this was great news. I finally got to world news and saw this article with CNN, about Pakistan pardoning the christian woman.

This is so good for everyone. I'm glad they are expressing kindness and not extreme violence in return for what they feel was an offense.

I didn't know they even had such a law but I think they usually apply those things to regular former Muslims? I don't know.

Drugged Again & Mother Discriminated Against

I just got fucking drugged again today. I don't know if it was through a piece of gum I took, or lunch. It may be possible it's still effects from the day before yesterday but I am wondering.

My eye was totally droopy afterwards and is still droopy now.

I seriously cannot believe this.

To me, it is reasonable to expect one can go to lunch and not have their food tampered with. Or to take a piece of gum and expect the same.

I am realizing I cannot do this.

I sort of wondered about it and then looked in the mirror about an hour later. My eye looks like I had a fucking stroke. I don't get a droopy eye unless I'm having a migraine and the fact that I have one without any migraine or expectation of having migraine is a serious concern. This is the same droopy eye I photographed a week ago.

I think there are some serious drugs and meds in my system.

I can't smell the same, think the same, I can't even write creative poetry anymore or be funny anymore. My memory has gone to hell, but on the days where I just make sure everything is from a bottle, I have zero problems and I start getting normal things back.

I asked the social worker in Washington state for a response about medication without my consent or knowledge and she didn't even reply.

Believe me, I know it's happening. I just can't believe people have gone to these lengths.

I also found out my mother was discriminated against today.

She was already seated for jury duty and this other group took out a preemptory challenge to unseat her. Why in the world? Since when is my mother not fit for jury duty? at least she got out of it. She didn't even tell me she had jury duty at all. But she had no problem with the lawyers and then some other large group just made a judgmental call on her for some weird reason. I don't think she minded at all but I am trying to find out why in the world a whole group would try to unseat her.

I also told my parents today that I wished I had never, under any circumstances, agreed to stay or live with people who are or were heavily involved with witchcraft because some are still into it. Even though I never practiced it, ever, I think it allowed a different kind of proximity to me, which I didn't realize or intend, but regret.

I have also blocked myself off from noticing things in church. I want my church to be about church and nothing else. I don't care if someone is anticipating what I do or not, I don't want to know about it in church. I want this to be separate. Some of the psychic (natural stuff) or christian giftings is very interesting and I share in this, but I want to get out of services and prayer, just what the purpose is for: to worship God, to examine myself and my conscience, to pray, and that's it.

I'm not saying I want to be perfect or that I think I could be, or anything. I am only saying everyone says something is wrong and no one seems to be thinking about misplaced focus.

Someone Screwing With Things...My Blog

I just discovered someone screwed with my blog posts to upset something--I think, a bet.

I found out a post I made, had a comment which didn't go through last night but was there today. And I didn't know it was even there or I wouldn't have done certain things today.

Like go to lunch maybe.

I feel that someone interfering with my post and then adding it to my blog when I didn't even know it was there was deceitful.

I had tried to answer someone's question about their thinking I was against jews (which I tried to explain). It didn't post last night. I checked and it was disconnected and didn't post at all. It didn't post the whole thing either, because I looked at it this morning and it ends with "which is why I won't take food or drink from anyone" and that's not how I left it.

But the fact that this comment was there, like that, stating I wouldn't take food or drink from anyone, I know intuitively, messed with something. Because someone would make a guess that I wouldn't go to lunch or eat out today at least and then some betted against it.

Or I look like I say one thing and do another.

I had added to the comment, clarifying what I would accept or when, but it never posted so I made another comment stating it hadn't posted and I would explain tomorrow.

I know something was up because when I went to lunch, I figured, at a restaurant, it's no big deal of course, and different, but I had no idea this other thing had posted, in the way it posted.

I sometimes say one thing, and do the other, if it is for an important reason, but in general, I try not to be contrary if I'm writing on a serious topic, as I was. I wouldn't have mixed contrariness in my explanation about jewish things.

Doesn't saying one thing and doing another make one a hypocrite? at least in some cases? and that was not what I was trying to portray or explain at all.

At any rate, I had a nice lunch and was happy to make the acquaintance of someone else who knows the town. But I wouldn't have left my posts like that. So to explain, it wasn't me.

I don't think it's necessary to explain further if I already have someone going to lengths to screw with my comments or order of comments.

Lately, even when a big deal is made out of something, I am trying to base it back to the reality of what is happening between me and God and not worry about what someone else thinks.

For a small example, I went to the service today and prayed along with everything, out loud, except for the part where it is the prayer for forgiveness for sins. I had already closed the book and instead of imitating out loud, and pretending like I didn't need the book to follow along, I just prayed quietly while everyone else recited it. I said it in my heart, and figured that's good. But then it was sort of funny because I went along with the prayer at the end, which everyone knew and I sort of followed along, out loud, thanking God for forgiveness of sins (when I hadn't even said the prayer for forgiveness out loud). haha, so it was sort of funny because this one woman looked at me with a quirked eyebrow and then greeted me with a courtsy (curtsy?). I thought, "Oh no, like I think I'm special because I don't have to say the sinner's prayer but I can say the "I'm forgiven!" prayer out loud".

I sometimes think about these things but who cares. Most of it, doesn't matter and people will figure you don't know.

If you feel okay with yourself, I guess, and God, you're okay.

But yes, I believe someone intentionally altered my email to influence what I did today and no, I would not have accepted lunch if I'd just posted that without clarifying. For a certain reason.

I think there was a potential "order of things" that someone was attempting to manipulate perhaps. Maybe someone didn't want some things to happen.

I had planned, after church, to just go to the cafe and then possibly after email and internet research and applications, go home for the night.

Very interesting. The song "Changing Your Heart (you know who you are)" came on. Sort of ironic, isn't it? I do love this song. Oh, the song is coming from a personal player. This one man who was sitting here when I came in and then when I left was making a big deal about it. So some group expected this.

I don't know what happened at the end of the day, but I know some group was hoping to interfere with how something turned out.

That's all I can say.

What I know, is I don't care, as long as my family is safe and no one is harmed. Others either. And if I have work, that is what I am interested in.

What is really sad is that there was some joke on my going out to eat and the hope was that I would have "pulled pork" and "pie" and I picked up on the pie bit and didn't have any. I said I was swearing off of sweets. I didn't want to say I had been fasting, but I had enough discernment to know not to order or take any bite of pie. I just said I have put off sweets for now, and "fun". He asked if I could have a glass of wine and I said, "I don't consider that to be fun. I consider that to be part of a healthy diet now and then" (something to that effect at least, not that I've had a glass or would).

As incredible as it seems and as out of the loop as I am, I am picking up on very small bits and pieces. I'm not walking around trying to figure everything out or read anyone's mind. I'm just trying to be myself and just have some simple things like work. That's it and this is not too much to ask for.

Then these other women came in when I went back to the cafe and went on about "we enjoyed watching your stuff" but it was in a different vein of thought. Sorry, and it could be taken any way, but some of the digs here have been...hmmm, actually...somewhat discreet. It's one of those things that when repeated sounds nuts or like one might have misunderstood, but on another level, given tone and expression, the intent of the saying is given away.

Like what you say in a courtroom and then the tone and expression that gets completely lost on the transcript.