Church: Advent & Jerusalem Songs

Went to church today. I've had the "New Jerusalem" song (also known as Holy Lamb of God) since Thanksgiving, off and on. This morning I whistled it in the bathroom when getting ready for church. Then, voila, service was all about Jerusalem.

There was some beautiful music. My cold picked up a couple of times but I was glad it coincided with kids coughing too.

I prayed in a comtemplative prayer service before the regular service, which I liked a lot, and felt power of God. I still felt it in the service but sort of waning at the end like something was slightly off maybe. Something, someone, or some group maybe, but I was very suprised because, it was a little bit Da Vinci Code, I thought.

I was invited to sit in front but wanted to sit near the back and just slid into a row, not thinking ahead where I was sitting. I had just felt very powerful presence when thinking about how children are our leaders and deserve our respect and attention bc Jesus said if we (adults) do not become like little children we cannot enter the kingdom of heaven. I was praying for my son and then kids, things like, "Help them when they are feeling smaller and less significant, at waist level or trying to get someone's attention about their desires and wishes," and things like this and then I felt more and more good energy as i prayed these things and I wondered about it and then remembered, "Oh yeah, of course, because children are the favored and chosen ones and unless we become like them we cannot please God". Be like them, in the sense of trust and honest desire of God.

And then I randomly sat in a row and I was thinking about kids and then looked and noticed the stained glass window I faced that morning was of Jesus with his hand on a child, and a woman standing behind him. I think it was a woman but maybe a man or disciple. I put on my glasses to try to see better. That was the Da Vinci Code moment, when it reminded me of the Leonardo Da Vinci painting with the disciple (or mary magdalene?) next to him.

Then, I looked to my right and the two stained glasses if I turned were also of children. Mary with child, or a woman holding a baby, and then another one with a man and two children.

Then the main service was about waiting. Seems to be a theme because I keep hearing it in songs and sermons and everywhere. Wait. Wait on the Lord. I didn't really hear the whole thing though because I was distracted by the stained glass with Jesus, woman and child. I kept looking at it and I heard most of the sermon but not all of it. It was something like Vladimir and ________ (some other guy) and how they were tramps or servants of God and they were waiting for a doe or something. It seemed a little odd, and I really lost the whole msg. If you asked me what the parable was about, I have no clue. I will have to ask someone and find out later.

All I could think about, was the Jerusalem songs, the pre-printed Advent bulletin, children, and the stained glass and the other hymns and songs, which I liked a lot. with one of them, I started seeing ballet and then a bunch of children all together around Jesus. In the minds eye of course.

I didn't go for communion and I knew it looked "wrong" but it's one thing where I feel it's very personal and half the people who acted sort of haughty before and after the service, to ME, really shouldn't have gone for communion but they did.

The point of communion is to examine ones heart and conscience and whether this is by a public show of taking wine and bread in a tradition, or meditating on the sacrifice of Christ in prayer, is personal choice. It's something that is beautiful and symbolic and isn't just rote "this is how it's done and proper etiquette." The minute that taking communion becomes etiquette, is the minute the whole point is lost. I felt more comfortable staying seated in prayer so that's what I did and I don't look down on anyone for going forward or not going forward. I think the time I look down is when someone goes forward and they are still haughty. Haughty going in, is one thing, but by the time you've had the chance to examine yourself, I don't know if "haughty going out" is very reflective or demonstrative of the "saving power of God's grace and the blood of Christ on the cross."

If I go forward sometime, it doesn't mean anything big either. It really doesn't matter one way or the other, except in appearance to some, and what matters, if it's truly about spiritual things, is how one feels about oneself and their relationship with God. And who is to judge, out of any of us? Even the haughty ones, I think to myself, they can still be blessed by God despite themselves because God's grace is immeasurable and who can say who God has favor on or doesn't, when it's not always about our own merit?

I did feel, very strongly, the power of the holy spirit at different times. Most of all, while in the contemplative prayer and praying. Then, still some while in service and esp. at the beginning, some kind of welling up again, and could see, mind's eye, people falling to their knees to God in worship.

I prayed God would bless everyone in their services everywhere today and prayed for the person I'm supposed to marry whenever, for one brief second, that I would be brought into his thoughts (not in a spell, of course, but because of God) and that if I knew him he would be brought into my thoughts too). I prayed these things all before the service began. I didn't have anyone in particular come to mind a lot but maybe I haven't met him or maybe it's not the right time.

I just looked it up and I think it was Vladimir and Estragon but it's just not something I was paying attention to.

Right now, I've had so much stress and weird things going on, there has been a lot to do.

Last night, I documented more technology stuff that occured. Nothing today at all, but yesterday, several times. In the Panera cafe the lower back ache after heating and someone with proximity to me I think, and then later that afternoon, it was something with my heart. It quit when I left the room. Then, it was quit until I was back at the shelter and when I was there, the entire service, someone was doing the same thing with technology that only affected my heart. However, my computer wasn't with me. It was in the next room and nowhere near me. So that particular effect had nothing to do with my computer at all and I think instead, has to do with being in a line inbetween something or in proximity to someone.

As soon as we were out of the service, which last for a half hour or so, it was instantly gone and I blogged about it right away. I didn't blog--there was no wifi, I made a works document.

I also forgot to correct something last night, on an application which I knew to do right away but wanted to get back to the place in time.

I am sure that being medicated without my consent and having torture occur has nothing to do with any of my actions, speech, or anything at all.
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I have had the same few women following me around here. One, dark haired woman, just passed by in a vehicle with a man. This woman has it in for me and I'm not kidding. She passed down 10th N from Broadway following another truck with tinted windows. A gold small truck with tinted windows and then this woman on the passenger side. Not a good woman. I had a very bad vibe with her and also saw that she is a part of the woman, or has something to do with the woman who is sitting next to me who is also not very nice. She's English. I guess from N. England but I don't think she's representative of the English by any means. I've met others who are much different and friendly, and not doing or saying mean things around me. I didn't approach her either--she approached my table and sat down.
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It is really sort of disappointing to have so many people go out of their way to try to direct me for the purpose of mockery, symbolic or not. I mean, mockery is legal, torture is not. I've had both.

But right after prayer even. I had this great time praying and then this couple wanted to take me from going to the service (about "en attendant godot", or waiting for God) to the "turnip truck" to eat. ? Which, after reading the synopsis of this story or play, seems like a joke. The man seemed nice, but it was 15 minutes this and that and then wanting to eat at the turnip place (the tramps in godots tale waste time waiting for God who never shows up in the 1st or 2nd act and pass time by fighting over carrots and turnips). I maybe read him wrong, but the inclusion of 15 minutes all the time made me wonder. I don't know. I thought it was a nice gesture, but some of the things said and done are very sideways or discreet in inuendo. Then, I guess the point was to have me sit in the very front of service because at the end, the woman pastor had everyone turn to face her and maybe it was...I don't know how to explain it.

I might be wrong on some of it, so forgive me if I am.

The thing is, it's like what I imagine when I see the photo of Diana standing next to the #2 sign while Camilla is by the #1 sign. They photographed them, together, like that and the point isnt missed by me and I'm sure it wasn't missed by Di later when she looked on the photos either.

It's like people trying to position me into a certain walk, chair, outfit, or even to say something, because they want it to fit THEIR script.

Which, for some, is for me to fit a script where I am a laughingstock.

I am just trying to be normal and do what I can when everything has been taken from me and I have to make choices I normally would never think of making.

Regardless of some things, I still enjoyed some of my morning and I always have to put it in context with what I am really doing and what I feel God wants me to do and am I in line or not. That's it. I cannot control being robbed all the time or misled or lied to. I can only try to not give up and to have faith and hope that something really great will be around the corner, and that, for me, is the basics.

I shouldn't be a threat to anyone.

I am a mother who has all the same desires any mother has.

At any rate, I think I met a large Catholic group of English is my guess. They keep showing up and being sort of rude, with their children or as caregivers for Downs Syndrome adults. For all the love some of them have for the disabled and disabled rights, they don't have as much consideration for the rights of a normal mother and child. Not sure. They are religious whoever they are. But I may be wrong about which religion. Downs Children groups are usually very serious protestants, jewish, or Catholic. Which, I think, is great personally, in the sense of Downs support. I am supportive of all disabled of all types. I only bring this up though, to figure out demographics or get an idea of who I'm dealing with or why a few may be treating me a certain way. With the Episcopal church too, there are really great people and then, sort of borderline. As with any group, but fringe stuff.

A few people in church today were literally crying. Not just teared up but crying streaming tears. I was hoping it was good, for them, and not otherwise. I think some people still feel the power of God even when others are trying to play games and even use God's house for it. Not everything that looks like a sign is of God.

Anyway, the strangest thing to me, was sitting across from the stained glass and thinking about the kids. This was a nice thing. There was also a little figure that says one can touch it and I looked at it the first time and didn't touch and then thought, "It's the gate" and I put a finger on the gate and it opened. So I shut it again. I did this the very first time I saw the thing. Then today I cracked it open a little bit and left it open. It is of a circle enclosure with a shepherd and sheep. You can't tell the gate opens by looking at it, but I just stared and thought it did so I reached out and tipped it open and then shut it. I didn't want anyone to know, then, for some reason. I don't really care now, bc it doesn't matter one way or the other--I just hadn't wanted anyone to make a big deal about it at the time.
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I've figured out a few women who are somewhat psychic. One pretends to be crazy but she's not but I won't say who. It doesn't matter, but I picked up on something about her and then while thinking of her she turned and looked at me. I thought, "This might be the first time some other psychic has literally turned to stare at me knowing I am thinking about HER." She looked at me sideways, sort of freaked out, as if caught. She wasn't caught though. I just realized things and saw her doing something in a house and then she turned to look at me in a totally different way like, "oh my gosh". Then I thought, "Oh my gosh. She knows. She knows I was just thinking about her."

Then, this other one I know when she looks at me. And even at night. All the time.

Someone also asked last night, "What will the weather be like?" and I thought, "Cold and sunny" after someone said rain. But I didn't say it out loud. Even though I thought it was goingto be cold and sunny and is.