Monday, May 31, 2010

Bad Vibe

I started getting a bad vibe about an hour ago. Not that it's not off and on but a real sadness and something at least a half hour ago.

Something not right. Only other time I sensed sadness was when someone read what I wrote which I deleted and I knew they were on my side but didn't want it there or to be public or backfire.

Weather & Rasputin

I think maybe too much is being made of the weather, of normal weather patterns. It's one thing if there is a lot of strange weather at once or something, but this article by the AP and also on NPR news, well, the one article is much longer and includes weather stuff, but makes this point about a major thunderstorm and then "brilliant sunshine" in Arlington but not in Illinois. I wouldn't have noticed if I hadn't heard a really short clip about his address today, which lasted maybe 2 minutes and the main thing mentioned was weather and how Biden's weather was wonderful and beautiful sunshine and Obamas' was a "total washout".

I mean, it was like using weather for superstitious or political omens or something. Whoever those were that were honored in Illinois had as much of an honor or right to have someone there as those in Arlington. I am sure they were thankful he came all the way to see them and lay a wreath too.

I mean, yes, I write about weather stuff, if I notice, if I've been praying or something,, but it's so hard to know and to judge things but pretty normal weather patterns isn't a good idea in general. Even if yes, I joke about how the sun always starts to shine if I'm coming out of a certain store or I notice when I've been praying and get an answer as to whether it will lift or not.

Most of the time, no idea but sometimes, I feel I get a small premonition about things--even weather. AND, I do believe in even weather miracles. I really do and I feel it's much easier to manage than trying to pray for softened hearts even, sometimes.

I've been hiding out at the house but really would like absolute privacy right now, just some time totally to myself. I had an hour free and sang only 2 songs. I didn't really feel it. I have thought a lot about psychic stuff and natural ocurrances and also praying against bad "magic". In the last few weeks, it kept returning to mind how sometimes those who are psychic or healers or exhibit anything that seems to be "witch-like" or even saint like or just supernatural, how this sometimes precedes a downfall, especially where politics are involved and some group might want to use beliefs of others to guide things.

Like, for example, I was reading about Rasputin today.

Oh, but before I get into that, I should write about this woman who asked me for a cigarette and I've seen her around town a lot. She asked if I had one and she has before, in the past, and I said again, politely, "No, I quit" and she said, "It might be unfortunate that you did." Or something like that. I thought, "WHAT?" it made me feel like it was some kind of veiled threat, when here I had people trying to kill me with poisoned cigarettes and so what? that was a mistake? or was my comment about "I quit" something else she was trying to refer to? I think she said, "You will regret it that you quit" or "You will regret quitting"...I can't remember, but it wasn't so much what was said as how it was said. So I don't know.

Oh, so this Rasputin guy was this man who lived in Russia and was before The Russian Revolution. His influence on the czar and the family is always discussed as being a reason for the Revolution and it may be true. It could be true that if dissidents were convinced his "abilities" were of the devil, then it was justification for taking the whole family out. I just wonder.

I mean, it happened with Jesus, and it happens to other people too, and whether a source is "good" or "bad" is probably not for anyone other than God to determine. But there are still witch hunts of sorts and interrogations into whether someone is psychic in the sense of having spiritual gifts or, many will try to convince others it's not a human quality or trait but something that necessarily always must be either from God or from the Devil when some of it is simple human nature and untapped potential.

But I did read about him, after having this dream where I was questioned by a table of women about my source of "power" (and I don't feel I really have any "power" other than a few gifts which I try to use wisely and most of the time I don't even KNOW how God is using it to send a message to someone...for example, I will "get" something but it's really small to me and I have no clue how it's connected and then others think I DO know.)

But anyway, it was strange, because right after I had this dream where I accurately pointed out a woman was disguised or identified someone in hiding, I got to this short bio on Rasputin.

He was known, from a very young age, to have some kind of psychic ability but then his sibling died and he was depressed. No one could confirm anything for sure until one night he went out after a horse had been stolen and pointed out the man and yelled to everyone it was this one man. So the whole village witnessed it, basically, and they ridiculed him but later followed the man and found the horse that had been stolen was right there. So unless the real thief got word and very quickly planted the horse in someone else's yard, there it was and then later, word spread.

So I had read a little about this boy being hemophiliac and how Rasputin was able to cure him of pain and the bleeding. But I'd never read anything about it other than a cursory note. So I looked up his short bio and it's really fascinating actually. I can see why there is confusion but it's really interesting and one hypothesis, that he only cured because he could "hypnotize" is one thing I don't believe. I do believe he must have truly had his prayers answered and I don't believe it was hypnosis at all but that skeptics want to say things like this. As for other behavior, I wouldn't know and couldn't judge, but I also see how it is possible that his religious beliefs were so different and extreme others couldn't understand, in the sense that while having this power, he was also attempting to exact humility to remind himself and others that he was NOT 'god-like' or perfect. I am absolutely undecided about him except that I do not think it was hypnosis and I believe that it was real healing ability. The second thing I believe, is that because of the influence and strange abilities, he became a threat and it was easy to either demonize him or do the other in fact. All that a group of dissenters would have to do is say the guy was a demon and the rulers of the country trusted terrible, demon-possessed persons and it's grounds for incitement. Not that other political things were not going on then and I do NOT know the history at all.

I have read about anastacia a little bc of a movie we watched as a family a few times when I was younger and I read again because of my interest in the faberge eggs, but that's all.

So, with Diana too, I have thought about her so-called "dabbling" in psychic stuff or tarot or what some might call "witchcraft", and doing more of this or more of it being public later, how it is possible this was in some way instrumental to one or more in convincing people she was, if not loose cannon, dangerous, or engaging in demonic powers and could be dealt with in a less than gracious way thereafter. Most people wouldn't care at all, and saw her service, but I have just been thinking how so often, it is something like this which is almost always preceding.

It can be used for GREAT good and also, some can really twist things for their own ends and means, to discredit someone or anything. Sort of like mental illness claims, but the psychic stuff can sometimes be more potent in some ways.

There ARE very bad persons who, I believe, use powers from sources with which I would not want to be acquainted and I have accepted this only recently, and I still have work to do with praying to God about how to deal with different things and how to pray for others as well.

But I am finding some interesting reading lately and have become aware of how any gift, great or even very small, is potentially both a blessing and a curse and others can use it for good, really amazing miraculous evidences of God, or some can also use it to isolate others and judge them.

music today (random) & image of man in b/w baseball hat

clarence came to mind so i looked for something but didn't want to choose off the top of youtube offerings and wanted random music finds today. so i chose this one which has a clarinet but no clarence, but it plays 3 songs:
1.soldier boy for me
3.rebel soldier and true lover's farewell.

i listened to a part of "the things they carried", interviews with soldiers on things they carried with them while away. tuned in as some guy was talking about how some of the guys would wear their girlfriend's pantyhose around their necks or pantyhose in general, to remind them of what they had left behind. and then he talked about carrying 12 cans of orange juice from his father, even though they were heavy, bc it made him think of his dad.

picked out another near the end of the list and got "song of love" by clarence brown and I guess it's from a movie but I don't think I've seen it before. i chose it bc it included clarence brown and katherine hepburn, who i admired as a young girl.

i just read up that it's about composers. the song she chooses to play at the end, against instruction, almost made me cry. something special about it. i need to see this movie. she plays one fantastic song and then schumann. i have no idea how she, as an actress, managed to get her hands to do that on the piano.

i like this whole playlist i think. i might see a few other clips, will see. this was a nice discovery, along with the patriotic songs above, for memorial day.

oh it's a whole movie. had to stop. i quit on the 4th clip, right after she sharpens the knives and says, "bertha didn't even kill the chicken" and the two men stare at her and say, "kill the chicken?!" and she says, "we can't eat it alive." and i laughed but that's as far as i'm going now. it looks sort of depressing. someday i'll watch it.

went to black eyed peas "i got a feeling" and then i remembered, seeing this hat in this video (first time seeing this video)...that i did have a real image this afternoon while lying down and resting but not dreaming.

i saw a man's face in a black and white baseball hat. i am pretty sure it was a black baseball hat with some kind of white symbol or lettering and the face was in profile and couldn't see who it was, but i just saw the face turn to the right. he was white and that's all i could see. i don't know that i know this person at all--it was just a random image and when i saw the baseball hat in this video, i remembered the image i had. i saw it sort of as if i were at a lower level, kind of looking up and then the face was turning to the right and there were other people around but i couldn't see the others.

i don't know what it has to do with anything. i had no one in mind, and wasn't thinking about anything in particular. i think i saw it before or after i heard the part of the program about "the things they carried", earlier today. it was daylight where this man was. i think it was outside too, because it seemed like natural daylight but not sure. don't know if it was real time either, or something else. it was around 1-2 p.m. PST I think. I couldn't see the letters, numbers, or symbol or whatever was on the hat but it was mainly just a black baseball hat.
"very extraordinary" came to mind and i typed it in and got a theme song, piano, for General Hospital (a soap opera). ?

Then, I found "l.o.v.e." by nat king cole:
Oh, laughing at the end with the nice climatic finale with the Little Mermaid. now onto Joss Stone's version. umm. is it just me or is, like, 60% of the colors on the videos i end up picking turquoise? i got the turquoise voodoo hoodoo. son of a preacher man by joss. this one had the color before i picked it, but most of the others don't and then i find it inserted all over the place. dusty springfield came up so i played it: so 60s!

spooky by dusty:

I thought about some kind of animal song, rock, or armaggedon, couldn't remember but got this one from aerosmith and it's a good one! i don't want to miss a thing:

here's the animal i was thinking of, i think: def leppard: i love how the drummer is playing with one arm. i guess i'll listen to a couple patriotic songs. then later, more pissed off news from me, about how the state workers are trying to cancel another visit with my son next week again, bc it's a "federal holiday" when they already knew this in advance. anndddd...what else? i guess i could upload the photos of my legs swelling up when i was being basically tortured at the last place i was at, by some kind of technology that was either used in the house, heightened by the house location, through my laptop or something. i had horrible, horrible, things happen. and that's on top of getting some kind of micky slipped to me in a drink or food more than once. real fun. but i have the photos of how easily i was bleeding and my legs swelling.

QUIET LITTLE VOICES by "We Were Promised Jetpacks". I have never heard of this song before. But I like it and it reminds me of bloc party. "quiet" came to mind and i thought "all quiet on the western front?" and then this came up.

I had the idea of "too la ree, too lah rah" but couldn't find it, and was thinking it was American patriotic but i found "Courtin' In the Kitchen":

I found some Marines songs for my grandfather who passed away:

My uncle was also in the Army in Vietnam and then my great uncle Howard, who died from an assassination plot, was in the Airforce and died in Washington State. Lovely state, this.

I have a few things I could add later but not for now.

I tried to find a torpedo song for U.S. and WWII and thought this was one but it's about a British snapper. "Battle Hymn Of The Republic" The Letter by Box tops.

I really like the Battle Hymn. I had forgotten all of the lyrics but they're great. "In My Mind I'm Going To Carolina" by James Taylor.

I like this song bc it makes me think of family and old friends when I was younger and also, about imagination and how one can go wherever they want to go, with the right attitude, even if you're in the shittiest place and people want to keep you down, you keep your spirits up by going where you want to go and visualizing and making plans. doesn't mean you won't be beat, but it does mean, you get all of your power back, even when others think they have you pinned down, they have no fucking clue what your next move might be. They have no fucking clue how it is to be blessed with grace to see beyond present, to see into even their lives, and also to be able to have any kind of creative vision which creates joy.

FUCK YEW BIATCHES. Follow DIS BITCHES. (seeing that Cher whip)'s one from us: (weird al's wherever you like)

YyyyyyyyyyyyyyeaaaaAAAAYYYYH! I got the crowds cheering and I can hear 'em. People screaming, cheering from the bleachers and their itty bitty tent stake wands.

First, right after, going to carolina in your mind, I was thinking about that song: "Whatever You Like" and I found a lil wayne version but it was "You Can Do Whoever You Like" and decided not to put it up, but DUDE, he was wearin' my BELT.

YEAH, my first D.C. belt that was khaki colored and had little silver ring holes in the middle. From a dude because my pants were falling down. I think he was military. Anyway, Lil Wayne was wearing the same belt. Gotta find it. Hang on.

Okay, here it is: lil wayne in my bossy belt. my first one:

okay, deleted. i was kidding, but no one knows when i am serious or not so deleted.

Here's the Weird Al version again. I love this:
saw part of a weird al and eminem interview and then this new song "beautiful" but it's sort of sad bc it's the first newer song i have heard him doing. when he says maybe he's done with rap and needs a new outlet, painting immediately came to mind. i think he could switch it up, relax, paint out of feeling and emotion, and then come back to it. it's not totally there here, but it's like he knows it too. very authentic. maybe painting would suck, but he should listen to really loud music or whatever drives him and get expressive with his mind and hands in colors and work with the music that way and then come back to it. keep writing on the side if he feels like it, but painting would be good. i THINK. it is only what came to my mind. maybe he has something else in mind. i once gave a housemate this rock that said "create" on it and said I felt she was supposed to take up a new venture or outlet and she didn't have one and started pottery and scultpure and turned out to be amazing and even got a pottery wheel and everything. people would ask her how she did things and she would say god helped her and she didn't know how exactly. so anyway...i didn't have an idea in mind for her but she thought of something. maybe there is something for eminem to go to short term at least and then come back.

I forgot about this one but it came up: Toy Soldiers with Eminem.

more ambidexterity

i've read a few other things and it doesn't sound like a big deal. this one article was making it sound like it's terrible but the others don't. lefties and ambies have more brain mass or connectors, probably bc they're challenged to adapt and so must. the most interesting thing I read was that the greeks encouraged ambidexterity because it was more advantageous in warfare to be able to use any hand or foot. they also developed the only script (i think) which was read simulataneously left to right and written any direction too. how in the world, i don't know. but i guess it was the greeks and phoenicians who encouraged use of both hemispheres.

it also seems to be more inherited in certain cultures and then there is also a social or environmental factor as to whether the culture encouraged or discouraged it. but even with environmental factors, some locations or groups of people show up with more lefties which, i think, makes it clear there's a genetic component.

dreams this morning

I woke having remembered no dreams and then slept again and had two different ones. one about a little blond girl dressing up as a princess in front of a mirror and then another one about a group of church people with one woman wearing a wig and concealing she was a "witch". details to follow after i finally have time to SING!

In my dream, the little girl seemed to be a daughter of Chris Dabney. I'm not aware that he has any daughters. This one in this dream was behind a curtain. A very tall and long and wide curtain and in a very large house and was about 7-9 years old. Curly blond hair. I walked in through the curtain or past the curtain and she was either in front of the mirror or I don't know what. It was her bedroom I think and it was huge. It wasn't like a newer house. It was an older house and very large but the room was average size and then there was this curtain partition and she had on a whole princess outfit. Maybe I walked through a door but if I remember right, it was that I came around a corner or parted a curtain or something.

When she turned, it was like she'd known me forever and ran to me with a big smile and started talking, like I was her mother, nanny, relative, friend, or some kind of familiar.

I don't know who the girl really was, or who I was supposed to be in the dream (if I was channeling something while dreaming or what) but in the dream, she was related to Dabney and I couldn't tell whether she was playing dress up princess or this girl was really a princess but dressing up anyway for some reason. She was by herself.

Then I woke up. That was it. She was very happy to see me and went to me and then I woke up.
Then I had a second dream. In this dream I was trying to figure out where to stay and find an apartment and then I was at this church and a bunch of women showed up. One was wearing this wig but I didn't know for sure it was a wig, and it was a blunt cut dark brown or almost black bob and glasses. She stared at me sideways from her glasses and in my dream I had the thought, "She's a witch" (like, a psychic or a wiccan or something but not necessarily a "bad" person). Then other women came in and were all sitting at this long table and the wig woman was across the table and to my right from where I sat and they all questioned me about what my "source" of power was from. This wig woman was sort of interrogating too and then I said I just prayed and was curious about tarot for maybe 3 days but just to see what it was but that was it. And then I said, looking at the wig woman, "I Do know that THIS woman here is a witch." Then, the woman in the wig got a big smile, lifted up a large book she'd been keeping under the table and it was purple or lavendar with a symbol and something about "occult" and it was HUGE like an enormous paperback textbook. She took the wig off and smiled, and it was like it was bad--it was that I guessed correctly and she was much prettier without the wig and glasses. She had brown hair and it was pulled back into a ponytail (I guess to accomodate the wig) and she had a pretty face, and with the wig looked about 40-50 something but when she took it off, she was younger, about 24-35 years old, but if older end, looked young for her age, with still smooth skin and babyfat a little. Almost looked like Princess Anne when she was younger, but the face was a little bit wider I think. She was very pretty and looked conservative and held up this lavendar and white book and I could only see the top, where there was some pentagram symbol or something and then something about "occult". After that, all the women at the table, knew I told the truth and it was no big deal, one way or the other. Then I got up and I was looking for a place.

Discrimination & Biased "Studies" On Lefties

Before I go into this article, I thought I'd write about a different one which I just read about left handedness resulting from sometimes brain damage or oxygen deprivation. Perhaps rarely, this is so. However, this does not account for the fact that this is an inherited trait with gene expression, and even the idea that multiple ultrasounds creates lefties is erroneous. My son had only 2 ultrasounds and on the second one, he was clearly seen and photographed sucking only his left thumb and holding onto the umbelical cord with his right. To this day, and from birth, he has only preferred his left thumb and then will sometimes want to hold a hand or finger with his right hand if he is cuddling. Left-handedness is a genetic inherited trait and there is a lot of "scientific" bs guesswork out there. I do believe it may be true, that in rare circumstances, certain conditions can create a trait which would be contrary to the norm, but I cannot believe that to this day, science is not taking cultural bias into better consideration. It's as bad as the idea that redheads have fiery tempers. My son DID have a traumatic birth, however, he was a leftie in the womb, and this trait was evidenced by photos and he didn't have a ton of ultrasounds either. There were only 2 total, which is standard and doesn't cause righties to become lefties. I do agree that ambidexterity could more possibly be a mark of someone who is a converted leftie. I don't know enough about it to know if it's really an advantage or not. I would like to know more about processing of speech and listening--why it is they say one cannot be speaking and listening to something else at the same time and retaining information. I'm curious. Some other day or month or year. As for my newest astigmatism, I think it's because of damage from what my son and I have been through, not because of a natural process bc astigmatism only occurs from disease or at birth. It's not an "aging" process though once you have it, it could get worse. It's possible with trauma that I and my son suffered, I got this new astigmatism and also have more of a propensity to ambidexterity out of necessity but I don't know. It's interesting about my other relatives though bc that points to either lefties in the family and genetics, or with the ambidextrous guy, someone who was possibly a converted leftie. I would like to know which uncle this is.

I read mainly positive things about lefties. But then you get an article like this, from what would seem to be a reputable scientific journal and study and it goes so far as to try to sound "unbiased", due to the footnote at the bottom, explaining, oh, the author is a leftie so therefore the studies are not biased or slanted and of course she isn't sponsored or paid by any particular group that would like to make some kind of point of their own.

She makes several faulty claims, or links ideas to studies which is completely illogical. Thanks to my maybe ambidextrous brain, I can be both creative and intuitive and smell bullshit and illogic a mile away.

First of all, she links lefties with higher incidence of "schitzophrenia". Hmmm. Now, if lefties are directly correlated with having much higher intelligence or at least heightened creativity and visual "images"...couldn't a mainstream group of idiot right handers misdiagnose lefties who are simply "different", "creative", and imaginative and who mentally can "see" things in the mind's eye, as an artist would...istn' it possible that straight laced conformist types without a creative bone in their body who may make up more than 80 percent of the doctors and psychiatrists out there, are just randomly assigning mental disorders to things which are not even disorders to begin with?

I'm not so convinced about these "schitzo" studies anymore. Especially after what I'VE personally gone through, in being misunderstood. It is ALSO true that lefties may be more inclined, for some strange reason, to be psychic. So this would increase the possible misunderstandings.

Secondly, this idiot woman tries to correlate PTSD among military veterans with those who are ambidextrous. As if being ambidextrous all on its own, would create a greater liklihood of PTSD. HERE'S a thought!!! Couldn't it be that if military are detected as having the unusual gift of being ambidextrous or even lefties, that they could be EXPOSED to more trauma because the military wants to take advantage of their skills???

I mean, what this all sounds like to me, is subjective diagnosis based on social impact and norms which a minority contradicts.

As for higher rates of homosexuality or bi, I've heard this before but that may be bs too, unless it's just that because of higher levels of testosterone at birth, some are more open to "other" forms of sexual stuff or have a higher need for it...or it may be one of those other things again where some social or environmental factor is coming into play. There is only a slightly higher rate with this, but again, for all we know, more lefties are honest and reporting honestly than their rightie counterparts. I know that on the test for right or left brain dominance, it is those who may be lefties or right brain dominant who will speak whatever is on their mind before those who are right handed.

The strangest idea of all, is that more pedophiles are lefties. Again, I tend to think that this is just discriminatory and that lefties just may be more honest and forthcoming or get caught or something, than rightie counterparts, who, using the dominant part of brain of logic, would weasle out of admitting anything.

I think this is social bs.

The only part which is fully objective is the testing, blind, of students on intelligence and finding some lefties scored higher. Then again, this does NOT mean they are inately MORE intelligent than righties but that because they are a minority they have to find other ways to adapt and so use more of their brain and stimulate more brain cell growth or other ways to compensate for being at a sometime disadvantage as a minority in rightie world.

I think left handedness is genetic, but there are many more social factors and environmental factors to take into consideration than are given credence.

Sunday, May 30, 2010

music & today

putting a post here and will go back to the dream. my computer ran out of power so I had to recharge it and don't want to write about it in the kitchen.

I turned on some christian music and then this song came to mind, "falling slowly" and I got a live version! clicked on the first one I found but maybe it wasn't first in line.

Going through this series now bc I haven't heard the other songs by him. So then I got the No.2 song, "Finally" and there are a few more from this concert I think.

Then this one, which is sort of cool, called "Sleeping" and about how he was arrested 3 times for playing music on the street.

Like this one too, "Song for Someone":

Here's Marketa's "If You Want Me" and I love this and the speaking in the background but I don't know what language it is...someone wrote indonesian? and I don't know what they're saying either.
Listened to more christian music, which was good, then a little BBC news, and then back to christian and and had some songs I liked and then switched to classical, right after I looked up "gypsy music, traditional" and found this song I was playing and right after I played it (will name it), I turned to classical and the announcer said it was a gypsy song about lovers who were infatuated but never had a physical connection, partly bc of a 38 yr. difference in age--but they were muses for eachother I guess. Her name was Camilla and the song is "intimate letters" and is with strings. I thought it was funny bc it came on right after I got the idea to look up a gypsy song. This one playing now is something about No.2 something but can't remember what.
The one which was on the top so I just clicked on it first, was "Two Guitars" a Russian gypsy song.

This "vocalise" by Rachmaninov was very pretty. I was looking up the romanovs or thinking of it right before they went to rachmaninov. hahaha. I was looking up all the people who are lefties and where they come from. In Japan it's rare, but it may be bc of conditioning and then in Canada, lefties are 13% but maybe it's bc there is more flexibility,, like "we don't care which HAND!" but it's also genetic however, the conditioning is maybe getting better.

I am wondering, if I were to shoot a gun, what the hell kind of gun would I shoot? if my mind switches back and forth and my dominant eye changes, how would I know? that might be pretty crappy. I wonder if one could get out of a draft by claiming they have multi-dominant eyes.

Went to rock n roll. I love this song by Bryan Adams "Run To You!" and then heard before this, "Ruby Tuesday" and with my weird brain, no wonder I have a hard time making up my mind about things. A true libra with the balance as a blessing and curse maybe! Or I have had serious brain damage which both sides want to compensate for. hahah.
I liked this song Rhapsody in Blue that played through L.A. philharmonic and the other night, loved hearing The Blue Danube. Such a pretty and classic song.
i like the sleeping beauty suite. listening to it--tchaikovsky and have this one almost entirely memorized since high school. tired though and going to sleep.

Dream About Queen & Royal Family--anne was BLOND?

I don't know why this guy asked me if I had any dreams last night, but I didn't. I said it was none of his business if I did, and I don't share everything. Then I took a nap and had a dream which I can share.

It was about the royal family, and another "intro to family" dream. I don't know why I dreamed it or if it was me or I was supposed to be someone else but in the dream, it was me.

There was some kind of "lotto" or not really lotto, but 3 women were chosen to appear before the Queen (Elizabeth). I didn't see Philip there in that shot but she was sitting down and then I was chatting with some people. I almost want to say sitting in a throne type of way, but I couldn't see the chair. It felt informal though, like a cattle call audition for a part in a play or whatever. I think Philip was around but not in that shot. It was Elizabeth and then there was a very short line and I was talking to one of the women, and I think one was Chelsey actually or someone I imagine would be like her. The other I didn't know or talk to and then to the right there was a very small image of Kate Middleton and she was wearing something lavendar or purple on the top shirt and her hair was back or straight and she looked very polished and smooth. She looked at me with sort of a smirk or smile on her face but then I didn't see her again. I don't know that she was in this small line too or what.

But then, I went before the Queen, and I was talking nonsense and joking about silly things, not really silly, but just chatty and didn't feel nervous at all and saw outside it was snowing and things were covered, almost instantly but I don't know if it was at that point or later in the dream that I saw this. I commented with a quip and the whole time the Queen had a straight face. She just listened and then someone told me, "She picked you."

I was frazzle haired and felt frumpy and was sort of shocked, amusing at best but I felt comfortable with myself, and didn't know exactly what I was picked for but it was to stay to visit I guess or maybe it was just "A Day With The Queen." or the family.

So then it was this large cozy sitting room. Wait, before this, the room was cleared and I saw a redhead coming in. It was a young man with red hair but I didn't know who. It didn't look like Harry. I didn't think Charles Spencer either but he was young. Then I looked up again and he was sitting on a long bench and had his legs stretched out but crossed at the ankles and raised his head to look up and met my eyes. He was all by himself and I want to say the bench was plain and maybe wooden but I don't know. And then at least in the dream, it was Harry.

I think he said, "Hi" (he seemed more shy) and I said "Hi" and that was it and then all of a sudden there were a bunch of people in the room, or filing in, and there were a lot of chairs against a wall and people coming in. Then, there were some others in a circle or sort of semi circle in other chairs. I saw Anne, Princess Anne and it was supposed to be HER but her hair was blond. Blond and shoulder length and I've always seen it black or dark brown and pulled back. It just rested on top of her shoulders and wasn't really fluffy. Sort of like Camilla hair but it was supposed to be Anne and even though she is always So serious in all the photos and sounds intense, she was very friendly and chatty and extroverted there and even joking around and laughing. Anne, in the 2 dreams I've ever had with her in them, has always been a lot different from what I imagine or read and friendly and joking. Pleasant basically but I wonder why I get this in dreams about her--maybe she keeps this in reserve for just family or for some volunteer work she really likes, I don't know.

Then, all these people came filing in and there were very large windows. Tall ceilings and large windows and everything was still cozy inside. I don't think everyone was royal, but regular people maybe. Then William came in and he sat down and then saw me and I don't know what it was, but he looked panicked and stood up again. I think it was that, in my dream, he knew I did some blogging. I don't know, but he looked sort of scared. Not mad or anything, but like, "WHAT?!" as if no one told him I was going to be there. So he got very nervous and stood up and left the room, looking scared, like what was going on. I am not sure what the reaction was exactly but he was the only person who looked nervous and he sort of looked around and then left but I don't know where to or what was going on.

Then, all these people were there and we were all talking and then it seemed some of the adults were gone and I was sitting cross-legged on the ground or carpet or floor and all these kids of various ages were sitting around and we were all talking. And then I met this woman who was a nanny. Either a nanny for a few of them or the whole group or something. She was very nice. In the dream she was sort of larger and maybe a little short or medium stature and had a very broad and plain but open face. I think her hair was pulled back or very short.

It was lots of kids, and Anne I remember, and the Queen and other people but I don't remember Henry except in the beginning and at first and then William when he filed in.

The kids, there were maybe about 6-10 of them. Different ages, boys and girls and we sat on the floor and chatted about things and then right before I woke up, I knew I wasn't the nanny because there was a nanny there already.

It was sort of like, "Spend a day with the family" thing. But there was also snow at some point outside which I commented on, but I don't know. I guess it was a little mixed up because there were different ages and periods which sort of seemed mixed.

When I was first in front of the Queen, she was the age she is now. When I saw snow, I wondered what that was about. The Henry guy seemed like an imposter at first but then I thought it was him,, but when I saw him on the bench, he looked younger than he does now. He looked like he was between 15-22 years but a little younger and his hair was longer. Sort of more like Charles, but it was Henry when I looked and he said "Hi" whereas William, in this other dream, said simply, "Hello". Henry's was a shy Hi. Actually, both of them, when saying Hello or Hi, in my dream, looked up from their hair or eyes, sort of shy in a way. But not being shy in general.

I don't know where Philip or Charles (prince man) was. It was more like I was around a bunch of the women and kids. I didn't really see the Queen after seeing her on the chair, but I don't know why I see Anne at all. When do I think of her? never really. But she is always not "austere" as the media and other accounts portray her as being so serious. In my dreams, the 2 I've had with her featured prominently, she is talkative and joking. Open in mannerisms, not with arms crossed or closed off. Which seems so contrary to what I hear but she's always been pleasant and not stern. Maybe this is how she is only with the Queen or maybe her kids? Just very casual and natural. Which is nice to see in a dream, no matter why I see this, right or wrong, I have no idea. But it's nice, if I am getting a real glimpse of something real that isn't commonly known. I hear she's not a big lover of children either but these were kids sitting on the floor or hanging around who were somehow connected to the family. The nanny was some family nanny and looked either English, Swedish, or German, maybe Slavic? I don't know. Brown hair and wide and round face, very wide and round in shape with hair back. Not really pretty but not ugly--sort of plain but with intelligent eyes.

This morning I did a lot of devotional but felt I was winning on some psychic fronts and losing on others. Like, if I had the house to myself, i would have been singing all day to ward off anything negative.

I opened up to something in particular this morning but now, all day, I have tried to find it again, bc it spoke to me, but I couldn't find it anywhere. It had lines about Daughter of Zion, you were sold for nothing and you are going to be brought back for nothing--like, without money required--returned to rightful stature. Like a restoration and release but I only remember these words. I thought it was psalms but I keep looking and can't find it. It was a short passage and really beautiful but I can't find it--will still look. It felt very personal and meant for me but I didn't write it down.

Then I skimmed a lot, and read little bits here and there. I also had one interesting thing happen where I was thinking about resurrection of the dead, a verse I pulled random from a book the other day and put on the wall, about healing and dead to life. So I had this in mind and then turned, not concentrating at all, but just flipping around and the next section I turned to was I Corinthians and the whole section about resurrection from the dead.

About how if Christ really died, and rose again, it is not impossible and therefore requires faith to believe that this is possible. Also, it speaks of the resurrection of the dead, which may be the main focus and analogy but I also have heard of people coming back to life, I suppose in various ways. Healings, dying and returning from a clinical death, and then restoration after a virtual death or social or emotional one. And that the dead are not just dead forever but living as well, in spirit.
Thinking about lefties, I am not going to say I'm drawn to all of them, but it's been strange how the chemistry sometimes seems to find me. I've been attracted to righties. But, for example, after noticing this leftie pattern so long, I later, if I felt any kind of spark, have sometimes tried to ascertain the handedness to see if it's a pheremone thing I'm sensitive to. There was one example, where this gangly kid who I would never be with (way too young, like 20 years old) was hanging out with other people and then I felt a connection to him and asked and yes, he was a lefty. Not "good looking" to me either but there was a weird connection. Then, at this one fast food place, I thought the guy was sort of an asshole, and not interested in the least, at all, but on a biological level, it was a chemistry thing that caused me to then note his handedness and then ask and he said he was mixed. Cross-dominant.

I have been very attracted to right handed men, on intellectual and other levels, sure, but given the rarity of the other, and the predominance of my natural selection without even thinking about it or trying to put thought into it, it's fascinated me. I also got interested bc of my son, and now, I guess I'm interested bc I think I'm a closet leftie. Or was, possibly, and trained to be a rightie. Or I'm mixed.

I read Queen Victoria was a leftie which I think is interesting, though I'm interested in all other women too. Madam Curie too, and I was fascinated by her as a little girl. I read a story about her and thought she was so cool because she was so experimental and a woman way back when. Victoria I think is interesting bc I first read about her use of pot for migraine treatment and it worked for me too, when I tried it. So then I also found out she was a lefty and she was sort of into psychic stuff. Which now, I wonder if maybe current Queen is too, but much more discreet, given the climate. I have also wondered if Henry has some mixed traits but it's a secret after William was discovered with writing with his lefthand. Could have kept Henry more undiscovered. Of course, pure hypothesis and if one is in full military it would be known at some point probably. But if one is able to be ambidextrous to some degree, the true nature could be more easily concealed.

I wondered if Charles is leftie? some accounts say yes and others no and then one said Di was. If so, a secret one?

Profilia came to mind. I think I'm getting a few impression things now. should mark them off with asteriks.
hmm, I looked up photos of Princess Anne with blond hair and none but then looked her up as a little girl and I don't know if this is HER or not, but maybe, bc it cam up with the search but there is no title, however her hair is blond.

OH! the full article came up! ohmigosh! IT IS ANNE! and she DID have blond hair. How strange! Look! at least it says Princess Anne:

She was a blond! I guess her hair really darkened up when she got older. But why do I always see her as a blond? maybe I'm seeing the child within her that is still there for some reason. Who knows.

Oh how weird. SHE was SO blond. A towhead. Either someone bleached her hair or she was almost snow white blond. Far moreso than her brothers. How strange. I looked up this youtube thing and it looks like she was a platinum blond and then by teens, brown but then in the 70s maybe she lightened it or was out in the sun more? because she's a golden blond. Her hair is about shoulder length too.

I have always assumed she had dark brown to black hair, and never saw any photos telling differently. Why I dream about her as a blond, I've no idea.

I am Left Eye Dominant (just found out)

I went to the eye doctor and he told me I was right eye dominant, but I just looked up this site online, and tried it again, following the directions, and according to this site, I am left eye dominant.

If I am left eye dominant, this might further confirm I have a left hand tendency that has been undiscovered my entire life.

But maybe it means the reverse? will have to read again. Why would the eye doctor tell me I was right eye dominant then?

This is the site I used:

If I make a shape with a pin or object in the center, and then close my left eye, the object disappears. Then if I close only my right eye, the object is right in the middle, as viewed by my left eye alone.

However, I then did it once more, really fast, and closed my right eye first and the reverse happened. So then I tried it both ways again and it was still my left eye. However, at least once, just now, my right eye took over.

Maybe I am one of those truly ambidextrous persons. By nature, not nurture. That would be strange. Now, I've just done it again, about 3-4 times and my right eye is taking over and totally dominant.

Oh my gosh.

I am truly a freak of nature.

But I don't know what the difference is...why would my brain switch from one to the other? When I was listening to music, my left eye was totally dominant. When the music stopped, my right eye was taking over more. But I don't know if it's just music related.

I met this guy, one man I briefly dated, who told me he was ambidextrous. His father was Navy military and intell. This guy was pretty smart too, the one I dated. I said, noticing, "You're a leftie!" after I was with him and then he said, "I'm actually ambidextrous and it's extremely be truly ambidextrous." Like 1 percent or less.

I thought, "Hmm. Oh."

Okay, I put the music back on and tried it again. With music on this time, I was right eye dominant. NOT kidding. At first, I was left eye dominant over and over, tried it about 10 times. Then I got one time of right eye dominant. Then I did it again and I was left eye dominant. Then over and over left eye dominant. But then it switched again and about 3 times in a row, RIGHT eye dominant.

What the hell. WHAT the HELL.

I also tried it, in different, first closing one eye and then the other and then doing the reverse to see if order affected the way my brain processing info at all. It doesn't seem to have any effect.

When I was first doing it, feeling relaxed, I was left eye dominant. But then I kept doing it and thinking more? no, I don't know. But I was then more right eye dominant.

I think I'm both. I must switch back and forth with my brain hemispheres and even my dominant eye stuff a lot and not even know it or know why.

I have dated some righties, but for some reason, too, I have had this odd tendency, without knowing what hand a man prefers, to feel more chemistry with lefties and, I think, ambidextrous. I don't know what it is. Maybe bc my chemistry sends an unconcious signal that we're a dying breed or minorities and need to propogate the earth before we're extinct. No, I really don't know.

I keep getting right eye dominant now. But when I felt most relaxed and not worrying or thinking about it but open minded or something, I was left eye dominant, over and over.

I can't think of anything I did different except that I got up, and got pissed about something and made something to eat and then was eating at the same time.

On empty stomach left eye dominant? Because it was consistently left eye dominant. and then I eat and it's right eye? Weird.

Okay, I just now did it again, after reading instructions again, and I got left eye dominant twice in a row. So after reading something, I am left eye dominant? Just got left eye dominant again, over and over.

I was reading about the alternative method of making a shape with the object in the center and then slowly, with BOTH eyes open, bringing in that shape while keeping the object in the center.

So I read this and then I didn't do it but I tried the closing one eye thign and got left eye dominant.

Then I read it again and tried it. I centered the object and brought it in close to my face, and I thought the hole was right in the center of my forehead so I thought, without moving "ha! I'm a cyclops" but then when I held my hands out a little to see if they were centered, I saw that the shape was actually on the left side of my face more than the right side of my face. The hole was pretty much over my left eye and not my right one. I did it again and it's over my left eye.

I can't remember what that doctor said, the eye doctor, because he said my first astigmatism was in one eye or the weaker eye sometimes also indicates handnessness but there's not a perfect correlation. So we tried, just once, this motion thing and then, in that one instance, I demonstrated, with one try, right eye dominance. This was after talking to him. I think if eye dominance correlated with hands, my records show more of a left hand thing but there isn't a ton of evidence or it's sort of mixed.

I wonder if my eyes switch or brain switches more than most, just dependent upon task. I have no idea. I want to read about ambidexterity now.

Oh,, I just read this other article about ambidexterity and handednesses and I found something interesting that this one military guy in Wenatchee noted about me almost a year ago. He said I was doing something with my eyes which was extremely rare. He said while we were talking, my eyes scanned left and right and that this was ...I can't remember what but he said in military it's extremely rare and it deals with processing memory or how we take in information and then remember it and this now makes sense, because it says my type would have a very good "episodic memory" for detail.
And, I don't know, but this might explain why in jr. high, my teacher told me "You can't talk to students and listen to the lecture at the same time!" because I kept getting in trouble for talking in class while he was talking. But I could. I said, "Yes I can. I heard everything you said." He said no I couldn't and then I repeated, verbatim, what he had just said in the last few minutes while I had been animatedly talking to someone else. He said it was impossible but it wasn't for me! He just stopped, shocked and said nothing. Had the weirdest look on his face. So I said, "See! I AM listening!" and he said, "Well maybe you can do that, but the other kids can't and you're distracting them."

So maybe this was possible for me when it's not normal for other people, because it has something to do with how I can use both sides of my brain. SO maybe it's possible bc my brain is structured differently and possibly, I use both sides at times when most people would only be able to use one part at a time as the other part is subdued? I don't know. But then I read it sometimes causes disadvantageous bc the brain sometimes isn't automatic in which side it will choose to be dominant for a particular task...but I don't know. After awhile, probably with some tasks the brain is used to choosing a side, but with the eye dominance test, it was very mixed.

Lefties & Ambidexterity In My Family (also, images)

I just got a cool comment from someone who must know my mother's side of the family. Or, wait, maybe they are referring to my Dad's side!

I have an uncle who is ambidexterous and a cousin who is a lefty.

Ambidexterity is actually very very rare, true ambidexterity. It's even more rare than being left handed.

I wonder which uncle? What was strange was that I was thinking this morning, I wonder if my great-uncle Howard, who was a pilot--if he was a lefty? It came to mind.

I think if there is lefthandedness or ambidexterity, it CAN possibly mean someone is really a lefty but was trained, because of cultural norms, to be a rightie.

Because if this uncle is ambidextrous, it could be that even with all the training and school, they were still able to adjust enough to be able to do both so it looks like ambidexterity but is lefthandedness with an adjustment. OR, SOME people really ARE ambidextrous. My son seems to be a combo, so far, although I don't know if it's how he's being raised or what he's trying to imitate, but he does some things only with the left but uses the right hand too.

I never thought I was ever lefthanded or ambidextrous. I tried using both hands as a waitress bc it saved time so while I was pouring a drink with the right hand I might be mixing up another drink with the left hand at the same time. I practiced at it on purpose though.

Then, when I was walking this dog, I realized I prefered holding the leash with my left hand although I needed my right hand for better control and strength when charging downhill.

But I never thought about a brain connection until playing video games and seeing the difference with how my brain worked.

I wonder how this works for people who are ambidextrous? Like, more brain hemisphere switching?

My Dad strongly denies being left handed, but I SAW his writing from when he was a teen and immediately thought it was so strange, bc of the slant was backwards instead of forwards and thought, "He has to be a leftie who was forced to be a rightie". Now, you can't even tell, in his writing. It looks totally normal. I think he could adjust and adapt to anything.

I HAVE seen some instances of combining things. Like, I had heard William was leftie with writing but then in this kids' birthday party clip, he used his right hand for using a spoon or fork.

Very interesting about the comment, so thank you whoever you are. I think there's a genetic component to it, that if it shows up, it's probably some inherited trait and then last night I was reading about some gene sequence too, so there might be a gene for it as well. I don't know.

For me, it was cool to learn this about myself so I can try to figure out how to better utilize my brainpower. It was strange because I was using my good hand and just kept screwing up and dying so fast (listening to "Crucify myself" by tori amos too...hahaha.) and then I switched hands, just for practice at strengthening my other hand and all of a sudden, I was fluid. I was going through the maze without hardly thinking and not getting confused and "seeing" the whole board more. And even though my left hand is weaker, it was actually better with these little buttons, faster or something, but these buttons suck and they kept getting stuck sometimes too. The strangest discovery was how something got sort of shut on or off with my brain.

But then I wrote about it last night, and tried a game or two, and after playing for over 8 hours today, was too tired. Just went to bed.

My images last night? I was seeing all these dots all over the place. haha. Not really an image but I closed my eyes and it was a screen going side to side, and dots moving all over. Then I fell asleep.

Maybe I'll read up more about ambidexterity and true forms and more about lefties. I've read a lot bc of my son. I figured he might have got it from his father but now I'm thinking maybe he got it from me. And then I had twins too, so there must be some kind of genetic component there.
images I got this morning, but not sure they're right, or actually just ideas, bc they weren't images at all...were that this person I stay with now either has UTI or is going to get one or kidney stones or something. Got the strong impression there is already or will be a kidney stone. Then something about Judge Hotchkiss's back, like it's not doing too good or is going to go out for some reason. And...Michelle E's shoulder blade. One or two.

I prayed for my son, for protection and that anything bad that is done or thought torwards him, will return to those who started it to begin with. And I prayed against boomerang or return to sender for me or my son. I prayed God would carry it through and that there would be fear of harming my son in any way, and also for our reuinfication, regardless of what concerns or personal political fears someone has.
I listened to a few songs over and over while playing PacMan:
Crucify Myself (which became ironic when I kept dying)
Cornflake Girl
Thunderstruck AC/DC
Take A Bow (rihanna)
Dear Mama (tupac w/eminem):
Also got something about something Donna, a supervisor, is hiding in her desk. Top drawer, a main drawer. I think at work but maybe a side table or desk at her house. More of a motion, of slipping something in. Maybe an object, but I was getting more about some kind of paper or papers or something. I also saw her knitting or crocheting but I think I've heard her say somethingn about this maybe. It has nothing to do with the desk thing.

Barbara in Spokane, CPS or social service worker, likes her strand of pearls. Saw a necklace being held out, from one end to the other end, with 2 hands, and more than one strand I think, but a couple connected together. Some necklace. Might have black pearls along with white ones, but I saw white first.

Saturday, May 29, 2010

I Might Be A Leftie--I AM A Leftie! I think!

I discovered something new about myself today.

I might be a leftie. Or, ambidextrous. I was playing pacman all day again, and I play better and think better and more clearly when using my left hand for the controls.

I got ahead on the levels much faster by using my left hand.

Which I can't explain.

If one is using their right hand for controls, is the opposite part of the brain used more? and then is the converse true?

I had a little more strength or stamina in my right hand but I was thinking better and going a lot farther, faster, by using my left hand.

This is one of the stranger discoveries I've made about myself lately. For all these years I thought I was a rightie. On the East Coast I sometimes practiced trying to use both hands to save time, but always saw I preferred my right hand but maybe it was instinct or habit. But my BRAIN works better when I use my left hand on controls.

I don't know why and I don't understand it.

I am not thinking just about myself but people in general here...if one is actively using ONE hand, how does this affect the brain? I sort of don't get it because I don't know why I was doing better using my left hand. Everything was clearer and it was like I got confused and screwed up more when I was using my right hand on controls.

I wish I knew the explanation because I write longhand with my right hand. I do most things right-handed.

But I was very clearly playing this video game twice as well, ONLY when I used my left hand.

I have always wondered if my father was leftie but trained otherwise bc of the slant of his script when he was younger. He denies this though. Then, I see my son who is clearly a leftie in some things but rightie in other ways. I wonder if I'm an undiscovered leftie.

Of all things. After all these years, to learn I might be a leftie or ambidextrous type is really weird to find out now. Maybe this is also why I feel sort of different.? I think it's pretty rare for women to be lefties.

I do recall in school, my mother getting on me because of my handwriting, that it wasn't "good enough" and now I'm wondering if it's because I was being trained to use the wrong hand. The wrong one for me that is.

And maybe this would explain why I feel an affinity with other lefties? or are somehow instinctly drawn to them?

I can't say I'm wonderful at Pacman. It's been a long time and I played it, as a kid, with a joystick, not computer arrow tabs. I didn't go very far, but what is really strange is that I died a lot less and lasted much longer whenever I used my left hand on controls. But then it got tired so I switched to my right hand.

What I am curious about, is WHY would a different part of my brain be activated if I use one hand or the other? Is it that controls are a menial task so if my left hand used them, my right side of my brain was free to take control? or is it ...I"m confused. I've studied lefties bc of my own son but I'm confused about myself now.


Big identity crisis now.

Just kidding.
Seriously, this is really a very strange discovery. I don't get it. If I write with my right hand and choose it for normal tasks, and yet find my brain works so much better when I'm using my LEFT hand, at least with video games...what does that mean? does this mean I am a leftie who was trained to be a rightie? or am I ambidextrous? how does one know? today is the first day in my entire life that I thought "oh my brain works better using my left hand..." or thought maybe I was a leftie. When I was trying to multi-task and combine tasks as a waitress, it's so commonplace, I wouldn't know if my brain was working "better" or not. And yet, with the video game it shocked even me. I thought, "What the hell is wrong with my brain when I use my right hand?" I got more confused and my guy got killed off right away and I didn't see the other men around me for PacMan. When I used my LEFT hand, I was suddenly advancing to higher levels in no time, and eating up all these guys and I could "see" everything better, like I could see "more" around me and was able to more easily navigate the maze. It was very weird. So after doing this ALL fucking DAY, I saw it wasn't just once or twice but all the time. It was consistent.

So I think my son maybe inherited left=handedness from maybe ME!
I found this link about left handedness and I don't know how much merit there is to it, but I am really shocked because I just compared my two hands and my LEFT thumb IS longer than my right thumb. I am having a frickin' epiphany tonight.

AND, I just read that lefties are better using their left hands for "fine motor skills" which I think would be things like video games right? or no?

So, sooooo, weird. To have never known this. I've dated all these lefties, randomly, and here I am, a secret leftie or at the very least ambidextrous and trained to have been rightie.

AND there is a higher incidence of twins with lefties AND there is a genetic component often, and a link with higher testosterone (which explains a lot).

But female lefties are extremely rare. There is an estimated 11 percent of men who are lefties and then women are at about 7 percent of the population.

I should look or watch my mother more. I am convinced my Dad was originally a leftie though, bc of his script and writing slant when he was younger and he corrected it. It would also help explain his music, analytical and spatial abilities. Or some of his interests, which align to those of many lefties...

I am wondering if anyone else in my family is a leftie. I've not heard of it. Just my son but I feel he's being coached to use his right hand or he's such a perfectionist he just tries to imitate with what he thinks is "right" but he needs to be with ME.

I am his MOTHER

and there is something to be said for being raised by someone who understands you.

These fucking CPS assholes are guilty of discrimination against left handed mothers.

Conformity, conformity, conformity...Go beat your right-handed only drum somewhere else, with the rest of the population that discriminates against anyone who is different in any way. And women have it the worst. It's bad enough for a man, I guess, but for a WOMAN!

Pick on someone with your own handnessness assholes.

Hey, I just found out there are scholarships for lefties...heh heh.

OH! And I did this quiz on art and artists to find out what part of the brain one is dominant, left or right side and I only sort of fibbed on one answer out of 20 questions. There were 20 questions and I answered 16 of them honestly and they all ended up being right brained. But if you include the one I sort of fibbed on, it would be 17 out of 20. It said that since I answered 16 out of 20 as right brained, I am 80% right brained and "strongly right hemisphere dominant" which, I THINK, also may correspond with left handedness proclivities. Here's the quiz:

So this is just great. I'm one of the rarest personality types there is in the whole population (ENTP or ENFP or INFP INTP depending) AND I'm also left handed by nature (or even rarer as an ambidextrous) and right brain dominant.

AND "psychic" TOO!

And people thought I was RETARDED for the first 3 months of my life because I didn't have "normal" responses. Hmmmph!

That's what you get for being different AND an outspoken independent activist too! combine that with looking feminine and like you should be the type to be holly homemaker keeps her mouth shut, and what do you get???

VENDETTA. Bendetta. My own child taken from me because I'm supposedly mentally ill when my morals and values are superior to 80% of the assholes I have to deal with, who just want me to be like THEM! and think a mother should be a certain personality type and have certain behaviors and traits.


I'm applying for my leftie and "other" privileges fuckers.

My son is stunted in his development because he is like ME and being raised by a bunch of conformist administrative types who cannot relate to him in the least and have no clue how to meet his unique needs, as I do.

This is ridiculous. They probably used to put lefties in the nuthouse. I'll BET they did. As deviants or something.

Friday, May 28, 2010

more images about wenatchee people

I have never seen Hotchkiss's house. I am getting the idea it's older. I swear to God, no one has ever described it to me before but I think it might have an American flag somewhere. I sort of think outdoor but maybe it's inside. And is there a porch? or is this someplace he frequents a lot? I also got the idea while walking that McIntosh likes to garden some. Saw her hands in dirt and pots or with a spade but not a lot maybe. I also got the impression that my former lawyer isn't having enough sex with his wife. Justin Titus. And she wants more but he's having a lapse in interest and wants to look elsewhere sometimes. She's available but he's having an early mid-life crisis and looking for affirmation or adventure.

This housemate said my writing is "sexually charged" but I don't think so. I'm not in a sexy mood at all. I feel I'm bringing out details of the lives of others that I haven't been willing to spread all over town because I've had a lot more consideration for the feelings and privacy and rights of others than they've had for me.

I have been harassed and abused and I'm fucking tired of this shit. Do I "get off" on trying to get impressions of what's going on? No, I don't.

But I don't appreciate having my personal visits with my son broadcast all over town and the world either. And I haven't appreciated having details of my life disseminated all over either, neither have I appreciated some of the sick messages that others have tried to leave around in the visitation room for me to find, nor have I appreciated having people taking photos of my room or wherever I am and trying to guess about my sexual life or spread rumors about me and go through my private things.

Before, I kept my reports about stuff about business and nothing more. If it hit on something personal, it wasn't intended was more about politics and situations that affect my life.

But since everyone seems to be so eager to dig out and spread shit about me, I can certaintly ask God for a little more insight and release in giving out information I would normally not give out. So I will do some more praying and just quit here and ask God for more guidance for tomorrow.

I am praying and believing in the power of God, to honor my request to please help me and give me increased abilities so I am, ideally, able to BENEFIT people and my own son as well. I would like to be able to pray for people and even see healing, not just encouragement, but true healings and I believe it's possible. But I am also open to being a voice and sending a message that maybe needs to hit home in a more personal way for others to believe God cares not just about YOU and your familieis and games but ME and MY SON and that God is ON MY SIDE of MY having my son with ME or He would never give me this grace to begin with.
I also did pray for the royal family last night, for protection, even if I might not care for some things I feel might be going on, I still thought with the rabbit hole incident and chariot turnover or whatever, maybe I should pray for them. because there IS such a thing as bad magic and spells and you have to experience it sometimes to believe it. Most things, are random and just accident, but we know some things go beyond this.

poems and thoughts

hands and knees
occasional whip. long whip. when she was standing, just for effect. black.

i saw this. special k for supper.
I also saw Jenny standing there with nothing on. Just standing and someone staring. She didn't need to be undercover really, she was standing so you could stare. Oh, you may have been on the bed, but she was standing apart and at a distance and allowing you to just view her.

Men who stare at goats get the goat. you get the one who takes the money and you don't even know the fuck where it's coming from. you think you're the one who controls the game. and you thought, or someone told you, i was the honeypot. i wasn't the honeypot. i was the real thing and you sold out for the worker bee and thought you could put the queen bee on birth control fucker. there was no "spell" with me but now you ARE under a spell, and yet you wonder, like a coward, and complain, about why the bee stings when you try to put your foot down in the wrong place, at the fucking wrong time.
this morning, first song: "crucify" by tori amos. and now, and first time I have seen the original video.
I'm tired of people with a shitload of money, giving me just enough to keep my head off the street, out of shame and fucking guilt, knowing i should have my entire life and my son as well and yet they do nothing, really, except throw a few pennies into the slot machine and hope to feed someone else in exchange for keeping tabs. Control for the sake of control. Period.

Some people--good poor people. but the ones I've been around are loaded. using their money for evil and wrongdoing and trying everything covert in their power to harm me and my son and provoke a response to keep me down and alienated from others who would, if they only knew the whole truth, would be not only sympathetic, but standing up as part of a fucking army to take the bastards down.

it may be a time for me to be humble but then I think "what have i done but be humble? and humiliated?" maybe it's time that those who humiliate me and seek to humiliate me and degrade me, feel humiliation firsthand, by the grace of God as it is given to me to use to make a point.

do i need to humiliate women who have done nothing wrong to me? no. but maybe there are groups surrounding some, who have done hideous things to me and my son, and using others to their advantage and for their own gain. in that case, don't fuck with me.

right about now, I feel like ezekiel, getting ready to sick a bunch of bears on the children mocking his baldness. "How mean!" i used to think, and "how terrible!" I couldn't believe a prophet of God would do such a thing to children. One of the most shocking things I ever read in the Bible. I mean, one thing for Jesus to curse a fig tree and another thing for ezekiel to send a bunch of bears to devour kids. Do I feel this way? not in the least. Not like that, at all. However, in the past, I wouldn't have tracked down teenagers unless I knew their behavior was being encouraged in part by adults, and I wanted to know who they were.

Just this afternoon, I was passing by a house and teens out and I was friendly and no big deal until I kept walking and then I heard the mockery. I usually walk on by but no, I asked God to give me something and I got "cheating in school". So I walked back and the two older teen boys took off, I guess having "heard" about me. So the teen girl who had been mocking and laughing so loud, who I had been considerate of and nice to, I stared her in the eye and said, "I just wanted to let you know you might want to be careful with your cheating in school--I wouldn't want you to get caught." Shock and stunned silence. I nailed it and knew it and I saw the look on her face.

I'm just tired of it.

Then, the other day, I wasn't upset with this one guy or anything but trying to guess something and he was very polite. But he lied to me, all the way through, and I still wasn't mad, but I knew I was right and then I saw the look on his face when he got into the car. He was shocked. I knew he played or had something to do with hockey and when he first said no I said I just picked up on it. He said his friends wanted him to go but I said I was sure he was there, and then he asked me if I went to the games. Why would he ask if I went unless he thought maybe I'd seen him there?

It was one time where he lied the whole time but I still knew I was right about something. I thanked him for "being honest" because, I said, "I hate it when people just agree with me just to agree even if I'm wrong." But I was right.
Today too, I am pissed that my faxed request to terminate some benefits wasn't honored when I got it in on time and the guy is just trying to fuck with my legal strategy in favor of the state.

I got a lot of things done today but was pissed that I haven't been able to do as much because of all the hinderances I've had and what I've had to put up with. The upheaval and being distracted.

I really prayed a lot this morning. Which doesn't show in my attitude at all, but I consdiered a lot. Praying good for enemies and returning evil with good, all that, but also looking at passages on justice and righteous anger as well, and vindication.

I spent a lot of time praying because I felt it was needed and even if I spent a couple of hours doing this, time would be saved in the long run, because protection and focus and other things could get lined up right and with God in mind, more could be accomplished after devotion and meditation, in a shorter timeframe, than if I just said a quick prayer and winged it. Not that winging it is bad because God honors short and long prayers and it doesn't matter the length but the heart. My heart for God is right, I'm just fed up with people right now.

Don't take it personally.

Ben. "Ben Hunter".

Just like I'm sure this other list of names which I'll write down later that I got with the IRS, won't take it personally either:

The first one I got was, well I'll go in approximate order:
Mrs. Starr #1604019
Ms. Jones #0181425
Mrs Pearl #0349158
Mr. Willson #0196735
Mr. Tatum #4330983
Mrs. Woods #0270753 (decent woman)
Mrs. Worthman #3505297
Mr. Freeman or Freedman #0220976 (helped finally)

Sometimes I'll get a whole bunch of "cindy's, dianas, and wills, and henry's" all at once, on calls for normal things.

There are a bunch of fucking assholes around here.

A couple just walked by, one who did some stupid "romeo and juliet" sculpture which was supposed to mean something I think, and means nothing to me. But it was like it was taken from ME, and it was MY figure and I met this guy and it was all surrounding my Ex.

Y'all can fuck off.

In the meantime, if I see your girlfriend's or your other nasty shit, I'm writing about it until my son and I are in a normal reunited status. Don't expect me not to humiliate you and yours, if God gives it to me to see, if you are not going to be a good fucking sensible "Pharoah" and let my fucking people "go".

Believe me, I see and get a LOT more about people than just flippin' chicken, salad, and pasta.

And for the most part, I keep it to myself.

My son had better be treated WELL and in good shape and someone or some group had better be using their money and resources to help US and not hinder us.
I like this song by Tremaine Hawkins. It's radical, yes, but I love her. She is someone I can sing along with and feel strength from: What Shall I Do?
I had to test something out. This group walked in and there were a couple of men, one with a Gonzaga sweatshirt and the other with a WCougars or something shirt. I asked God for something from that "group" and I got "porn"--one of the men really had a thing for porn. So I turned around and looked and I swear to God, I walked past to see where they went and one of those guys was lifting up a PORN magazine from the porn section! hahahahaaa. Not that it's a big deal, but I got a confirmation and I didn't even have to ask any questions. I just had to see where they went. I sort of got it for the other guy though and it was the other one who went over to the porn and pulled out a magazine. But I knew one from the group was really, really, into it.
How about the young pretty blond with the long straight hair in a ponytail? How hard did you pull on her fucking ponytail?

I might start asking a little more about that Commissioner in Douglas County, Jill, because I knew she quickly and hotly recused herself from the bench when I brought up photos of swingers which had been discovered. Mr. Cabellero, by the way, where did you disappear to? I did manage to find a link between one female lawyer who was sitting in the back of the courthouse when my Ex was there with me, in a pink shirt, who kept flirting, and then I later found her in another business, engaged in conversation with a man who...well, I'll write about that later.

I might have to ask God, if, in his grace and favor to me, he will show me more about Judge Hotchkiss and Anne McIntosh and Karen, the new CASA worker and some of the old CASA workers and their proclivities. Since they are so interested in my personal life and trashing me...might want to have a closer look.
660 UFP Washington plates. Interesting man who came in.
Hmmm, and "Conchita". So who is "Conchita?" and what does that name even mean?

I asked for something about Anne McIntosh. I got something about a pale long haired cat, not a dark one, but I don't know when or where. I also got red wine, glasses of red wine, and that someone has slapped her across the face before. I cannot picture or imagine that happening to her because she's this put together Attorney General and older and I don't know if it was in the past when she was young or an abusive relationship or a one time incident with a man or woman, but I saw her face being slapped and it sseemed to be fairly forceful to where her head turned with the impact. She doesn't seem like the battered woman type. So maybe it was one incident. I almost want to say it happened in a kitchen but I don't know.

With Judge Hotchkiss, I don't get that much and Im not focusing well bc I'm at a cafe. I would have to be at home and concentrating and praying more. For some reason, some kind of scar on his chest. He keeps a loaded shotgun in his house. Maybe it's a different kind of gun but I sort of got shotgun, or longer type. He really scrubs his back in the shower, with a back scrubber of some kind or someone does for him or used to or with a cloth. Showers. It might be a character presumption but I also see him reading in bed at night with glasses on, and some kind of nightlight or lamp by the bedside. I don't know what kind of books. Something about a tarantula, some incident or past thing or friend or tatoo, or found one in the house...I don't know. Something tarantula or maybe a brand name?

Michelle Erickson. I never meant to imply SHE was "blowjob Michelle", whichever infamous that woman is, she's probably moved out of town by now if she really gave that many blowjobs to that many lawyers. But I also see her doing this. Like, as a main thing with someone or in the past or something. I see this more than anything else. But maybe this is why she's sensitive to what she felt was my suggestion that this "Michelle" was her.

I will have to refine these things later, after I have time to think and focus more. I need to be in a quiet place and think about it more and pray more to get a better connection. I really was surprised about the backhand with Ms. McIntosh.

Someone erased what I wrote about Jennifer Godfrey. It said there was "cross-scripting" and it was erased. I wrote that I got this image of her in an intimate way, standing up more, like over a desk or something. If not a desk, something else, bent over but sort of standing. I also see her doing a little bit of cooking. Having a few cookbooks, but I haven't even seen her before. I'm not asking for just intimate stuff, just whatever.

Russ. Russ Haugen. I feel like he's had an affair with a coworker. Some kind of very big dog at his house or some girlfriend's house maybe. Watches a lot of t.v. but I don't know if it's sports or what. Lived somewhere else for awhile. Maybe has military in family in past but maybe just through traditional WW stuff. I want to say he's, at one point, questioned his own sexuality. I also don't know if he has any children of his own but I want to say there is some child that he cares about, a grandchild? but I don't think or kow if he has kids at all. So I don't know why this smaller kid comes to mind but they maybe bring out one small soft spot. He is also being driven by some woman supervisor or superior somewhere else, in flattery or promises or advice or counsel of some kind. Maybe a lawyer, maybe a supervisor. Also want to say something about video games, computer stuff, or gameboard...something but I don't know what. I don't think gambling per se, something else. Or some hobby with a target or something but not like an obsessive hobby.

I suppose what stands out the most to me, is Anne being slapped. I have to go for now and will think about it more.

Also, this woman who had a St. Michael or St. Christopher medal at the top of a hill at the top of a housing developpment up past McKittrick, she and her husband are newer to town and we talked for a little while and they were pleasant. I had the feeling, as I was walking away, that the woman had some kind of rheumatism. She said nothing about her health, but it came to mind as I was walking away.

Something about Anne's leg or one of her legs also comes to mind but I don't know what. Anne McIntosh.

images this morning--crossed wires I think! but maybe right!

I prayed and tried very light hearted, for images, but I think I got something but my wires were crossed! What I tried to allow to come to mind for individuals seemed to have more to do with this town, but maybe it applied to these individuals too. I don't know.

So, my "hobby", of course, is royal family sometimes, to try to guess. I prayed for them last night and philip esp. bc they had german and austrian and viennese music so came to mind.

but this morning, at about 11:03 a.m., PST, I just asked rapid fire questions but didn't know or feel I was really connecting to them. I kept connecting to chicken though, and then I went to this place where I was guessing subs the other day, and what did they have? Chicken.

So this is what I got:
Henry: riding an electric bull.
William: doing a lot of weird things today and wrapping wrists or something again. Something more about wrists than knuckles today but who knows.
QE: this is old, but I wondered if she's ever played pacman. Thought maybe today she rolled dice for something.
Philip: knocking back a few drinks
Camilla: getting around without wheelchair
Charles: eating ribs or drumsticks (chicken) or something with fingers
Kate: norah jones, paper mache stuff or flowers or a big flower hat or something. Practicing new angles on something (won't say what). Doesn't have an Athenian toe but they slide down in graduation (have no idea why this would come to mind and could be wrong and I've no idea).
Chelsey: leaning against fence, back to fence, arms drapped back. fence or something.
Anne McIntosh: Eating salad, chicken or chicken salad or chicken pasta?

So then I left and went to the homeless shelter and decided to have lunch there and they were serving chicken, something that looked like pasta but was sort of hash-tatertots that kind of looked like rice or something, and salad. Green salad. I was given a thigh and a drumstick.

So WHO knows. Maybe the Charles eating chicken and Anne McIntosh with salad and/or pasta and chicken...maybe I was picking up on what they were getting ready to serve and what people were eating over there.

I showed this one woman who worked there how I'd already written this down, so I have a witness. I guess. I suppose it's coincidence or maybe just crossed wires! i definetly kept getting something about chicken and salad.

sneak peek at royal lines

my peek at royal news, was to read bylines from european politics page. i couldn't do more than read bylines, now petrified that the minute i open up an article, it's something which is going to promenaded about town or who knows where else. i haven't read a full article about them for at least a month, except one on elizabeth and then, i did look up 2 di clips the other day, just photos of her and that was all. and...umm...what else? i think that's all. i saw one of the bylines and saw that yesterday something about visiting eton and a song by "the jam" and all i had to read was "the jam" to think "Oh, i don't want to know!" bc "Marmalade" came to mind yesterday and i don't want to know why.

i swear, to GOD, that family really is naturally psychic. they are...all of them probably. i don't know if they're senders or receivers or both but i guess that's how one survives in such an environment, with some good intuitive skills.

i will say one thing. the other night, i did have this moment which will sound so dramatic and di-nuts but i'm really not, and yet, i was walking back to the house, and all of a sudden, i felt this LOVE for her. yes, i never knew her, but i felt very close like she was alive and at that moment, i looked to the left and there was this huge row of pink fragrant roses lining the walk that i hadn't even noticed until this thought first crossed my mind. i think it was an empathetic feeling or sensation somehow. i don't go about thinking these things, but when it was very strong. it was dark, and sometime between 9-12 at night and i just remember feeling very alone but very happy or a sense of joy somehow and she crossed my mind, even though i wasn't thinking about any of them at all, out of the blue, and then i thought it was interesting, because then i saw the roses.

it was within 4 nights past i think. possibly going back to last weekend. i just had this feeling for a moment, of, "i'm so glad" or "i just love her!"

which makes me feel like one of those di fanatics but i swear there has to be a reason. there were some people passing by in cars and trucks around this time and it crossed my mind, i wonder if someone who knew her or loved/loves her is around or thinking of her at this moment. i didn't know why it came to my mind bc i haven't even had time to read di books, not for a couple of months, and i don't think on it often. it just poppped to mind.

i was walking up miller, and then saw the low stone wall with a long hedge of pink roses to the right. it was dark but lamplight from the streets and they were not bright pink or dark or very pale, sort of the baby girl pink color or just pink pink. not salmon and not dark but that regular pink color, at least in the dark.

i think i'd taken a valium, so lets chalk it up to that!

post disappeared

I made another post and it completely disappeared. I wrote the full thing out, to only be in draft form, not published, and it disappeared or was deleted.

it was mainly about my prayers to God and allowances which have been made, and spiritual thoughts.

Thursday, May 27, 2010

lucky guesses today

i forgot to do one thing today but got a lot of other things done. i believe my iron levels are still low because i've been very tired still, but i'm not having things happen that were happening at the other place. which affected my heart, and caused my legs to swell, and where i was medicated without consent among other things. oh, and caused a very severe thinning of my blood to where i would bleed over anything. and that's where there was very extreme overheating and it was NOT all "psychic" either, and this is where the plane went overhead and i got blasted about that time, and what else? there was no way i could get anything done when i was there. it was impossible. i still have to get my things from there.

i still have to find out the decision of the housing program people, and get into an apartment and the state is trying to terminate rights.

the social worker gave me the wrong time for an appointment with the psychiatrist and then hasn't rescheduled with him even though she knows.

it appears they are trying to deprive my son of visitation time again, as well, by claiming next Monday is a holiday, when they are required to schedule around these things in advance. I think this will make it, possibly, the 30th visit that my son has been deprived of with me, because of THEM, and that's when he has only received 4 hours a week with me anyway and they claim a security guard is needed for each and every visit which is a lie and everyone here knows it.

i woke up again, and had a bad feeling until about 7 a.m. or so. lately, something has been going on in the mornings that isn't right and i sense it and then it will change.

i worked on getting my unemployment today. i talked to both d.c. and wenatchee offices and got the name of the guy who is supposed to be the liason for coordinating the information and combining my hours and wages from both states. i was told it was a "tony" and now i'm finding out his name is chris prescott and he's from Olympia. d.c. told me that according to what they have, it shows my claim is completely "inactive" in Washington state, even though WA people have been telling me it is active and would not go inactive if I were on GAU temporarily. So I have been told many different things. I also contacted the IRS and they're submitting a request for my W-2 to be re-sent to me. All this time, people were lying to me and trying to keep me from getting anywhere with my claim. A LOT of lying. I got someone decent over in D.C. today.

my next thing to do is find out where my lawyer is, for this case and to get a continuance based on the fact i've had all these things going on which prevented me from representing myself or having a lawyer that did anything.

my lucky guesses were that i knew this one place had sub sandwiches today. I have no idea how I knew, but I knew, and knew they were up for grabs, and the guy outside told me, yes, they'd had subs that day. They don't everyday. I said, "Really?" and he said yes. Then no one would confirm it with me but i looked at the date on the wrapper. this will sound weird...i think i might know what clairaudience is, and clairvoyance, or in christian terms, it's described with another vocabulary (i found a good book that explains psychic and spiritual giftings from a unique perspective the other day and i'll have to write about it. i think it's called 'the gift'). I have read about "smelling" things psychic-ly and to me, that sounds absolutely bizarre, but I swear i "almost" thought i could smell subs but maybe I walked past a cafe or something, but then still, what does a "sub" smell like...the whole combo? and anyway, I walked in and subs! i got a sub sandwich. i think the strangest thing, is that i literally "smelled" subs when there were no subs around me but i somehow knew and then confirmed with this guy before going in. no one said anything to me either. now THAT, if it were not real and right, would sound SO nuts. But I have read about this kind of thing--"smelling" things and yet I would say it's one of the most unreliable of the giftings and...what's the point?!

then, i went to this church and every week a different church in town might have a food bank, from all over town and it's random (as far as I know). i had a hunch i knew where it was today and i was right. He asked if I'd called Serve Wenatchee and said no, (i just 'knew'?).

i prayed today, after I got home, for God to bless and increase my giftings and help me to be responsible and wise with them. I don't know what that will mean but I think it is also a scary prayer. I mean, it's a good one, but it's one with a burden too, sometimes and we might not understand everything that goes along with it.

I sometimes don't feel very "connected" to God.

Right now, I feel a deep sadness vibe. It's 9:45 p.m. PST and I also did after I got off the phone with the IRS. I don't always know what it's from. Actually, I think this clock is off by about 15 minutes or so. I don't now, I'll wait to hear from the radio what time it really is.

I do know that when I prayed out loud for my son, in our last visit, I immediately felt and sensed the presence of God, right then and there, where I felt neutral before. God was right there and heard my prayer. what the outcome, I don't know, but I felt it very powerful and strong and I think my son did too.

Sometimes it seems I have to spend a lot of time praying to get to a "breakthrough" and then other times, it could be just a few short lines, and I feel it's been received.

So thankful to God.

Last night I fell asleep to classical and woke at 2 songs in the night and remembered them. I had many dreams but don't remember any of them. I woke with Tchaikovsky and also there was this operatic and very short English ballad about "beauty" something and then the guy read the lines from the song out loud so maybe it was sung in another language initially but it was so beautiful and I heard the words and then fell asleep again. I heard the entire song and those words and then back to sleep.
there was just now a "to celebrate" by some st. peter choir I think.
here's a link to clairalience (sense of smell). i thought it was clairsentience but that's more of the empathetic thing. i am much more doubtful of clairalience and can't say i've ever thought anything like this or had this experience except for maybe 1-2 times but it could have been today, that as i was thinking about subs, i went past a restaurant that was at least baking bread or something and this reinforced the idea of "i want a sub!" so anyway. but while sometimes it's probably a sign of something weird, there are too many accounts from others who are otherwise normal, for it to be discounted. this has comments from all kinds of people, from atheists to catholics to wicca types, to skeptics.

one other time have i sensed a smell but i figured it was coming from someone or something in the general location. it was almost a decade ago and i smelled violets when none were around and it was a very strong smell. the only 2 times i ever smelled something but didn't know where it was coming from, was today but i did pass a restaurant while thinking about subs, and then the one other time, when it was very strong violets and there was no woman around with this fragrance on and no violets in sight. it happened when i walking through a monastary.