Wednesday, September 30, 2009

My Son Not Looking Good

For the record, I said I would quit blogging and looking into things, as long as my son looked alright. He does NOT look okay, and his fingernails and toenails show the same signs of being burned, basically, that I show.

I have people threatening me left and right, and telling me to make a choice about something I don't understand at all, and meanwhile, I and my SON have still been suffering and it is clear my son has been affected for some time.

He has dark circles under his eyes and told me he has pain at night and can't sleep. He said his back and stomach hurt and it's clear from his nails, which are warped and have odd lines on them, that he's gone through something. I don't see new irregular pigmentation, but at last Monday's visit, my son napped a little while and his entire body was twitching with benign fasciculations and then his arm actually jerked up and down a few times while he was sleeping, just as he did while we were in East Wenatchee, when I said this was happening and he was doing this.

He did it right in front of the visitation monitor.

I said I wanted the abuse and violence to stop.

This town has some extreme and serious problems. There is rampant corruption here and people have turned to other groups for means of protection, whose protective resources may not even be adequate, or whose protection is withheld until and unless there is some kind of forced compliance with others.

I know many people in this town have known exactly what was happening to me and my son.

I have still been experiencing it, and it started up again sometime after my fiance, Alvaro, left. It started up again about 2 months after he left, after, I suppose, it was determined that I was not pregnant. Then, some individuals just decided to make me and my son suffer and lay on the heat.

I will NOT tolerate this any longer and I will NOT tolerate threats, extortion, and harassment. My SON is THREE years old and he is not going to suffer any longer, period.

You are going to quit what you have been doing, those of you who have had a part in this. You are going to quit and you are never going to take it up again, against either me or my son.

My son loses weight, or gains, on a week by week basis, and I can tell when he's in good health or not. I can tell, by looking and listening to him, whether he is being affected by something or not.

Oh, and I don't mean to say that I had problems after Alvaro left because Alvaro was involved in any way. Not at all. Someone just thought me and my son were then fair game and made us into targets again. Plenty of people know I am not lying about this and that I'm not delusional either.

This is why I say, it has to stop. It is going to stop altogether.

Don't Understand The Game

Having said that, I don't understand the games people in Wenatchee have been playing. If I said I didn't understand, I don't. I haven't made any choices about anything, intelligently, because I have no clue what's up and if I ever sounded like I DID know what the deal is, it's just the way it sounded, and no more.

I.Q. Results

I said to several people, "I'm going to figure out how to nail a 120 I.Q. because it's nobody's business how smart I am or not."

So I did. I got a 116-124. :) I worked my verbal because everyone knows I'm verbal, and then I wish I'd worked the memory section more because it was slightly lower. The psychologist said getting some high ones right and other low end test questions wrong probably indicates lack of attention. ;)

I don't know.

I am just plain old normal. And no one else needs to know more than that. I'm not retarded and I'm not a genius.

So hopefully, that makes everybody happy.

No more of this critical "WE KNOW how SMART you are!"

See, I'm just like you. No need to think I'm much different at all. I have no severe deficits and no serious savantism. Nothing to impair parenting or social skills in any way.

As for spontaneous poetry and my work in legal matters in Oregon--sure, let's just say I had a ghost writer all along. I didn't do any of my own work and anyway, my memory is apparently lousy.

Sunday, September 27, 2009

Hanging Out Tonight, With People

I am spending the night with some people I was neighbors with a long time ago. For some reason, I couldn't accept the room I had, and didn't want to be alone. I have no idea.

I had someone say today, "you win some, you lose some" and it felt off, somehow. Something...I don't know, is off. But I don't know what, or how.

I think I'm just tired of being alone.

I thought today, I know out there somewhere, there is a soulmate. Not someone I've met before but someone I think whom I don't know yet but who knows me and I think, I don't know. I was thinking about this tonight and thinking I wish we could be together even though my life is certaintly less than perfect now. It was a random feeling and I have no idea. But it seems true, in its own way. I think there is something I don't want to miss out on, down the road, and I hope he is well and safe and getting ahead or learning a lot, whichever is most important at the time, and I hope we don't miss eachother when our paths collide in the future. I hope. I think that despite all the stars being askew and stacked against me in every direction it seems, that there is something nothing will conquer. Love conquers all. It doesn't matter if it's true love for a lifetime of many days or many years and decades, or if it's rich or poor. True love always prevails. I feel sometime, down the road, I will know what this is about but I wish I could know it now. I wish I could meet that person now rather than later, but I have patience. I think I'm to be single now for sure and then maybe even a couple years down, I'll meet him but I wish we could be together now.

Some really good things happened today, but something seemed off too. I don't know why. But probably, it is just my situation which has been dire. At any rate, I didn't feel like being alone so decided to stay with friends but didn't have that option earlier.

But I don't know what is going on. I can't really describe it and shouldn't anyway so I won't.

Whole World Out Of Control

I don't understand the world. I don't understand my own life, actually. I don't. I am doing what I can but I don't understand things.

All I know, is that I've been designated to be some kind of big deal, and I don't know why. Big deal, not as in, I'm so special, but I don't know why I'm getting so much attention. SO much international, even, attention.

It's not like I'm doing well right now. But it doesn't matter. Whether I'm doing well or not, there is attention and I don't know what it's about.

Then, I notice odd symbolic things done by even newspapers and wonder why the mockery and why I am something anyone is interested in at all. Yesterday, in the Seattle Post-Intelliger, I believe that was the paper if not the Seattle Times, there was a front page spread of a spiderweb and then on the inside, a photo of a romeo and juliet scene where it was just a mockery of...It was a photo of a ballet.

It used to be that romeo and juliet stuff was ascribed to my ex and suddenly, I looked at this and there was no mistake. The guy is resting his head on her chest and it's just...bizarre.

I don't know why points are being made about me in any way.

I think I need some good Italian food today. I met a couple of guys from Italy, and had some real Italian food and it was delicious. It was SO good. It was spagetti with a real tomato sauce and clams and prawns. Very, very, good and spicy too.

Anyway, I AM going to quit blogging, but you know what? What would REALLY help is having someone offer me some WORK! I mean, what do you expect? I walk all day long and look for work all day and nothing, for 4 months or more? I've applied for everything.

SO I'm not giving up and I'm still looking, even today, but I need to jump in and actually get hired doing something.

To think, I thought Prince Henry and William, one of them, might have a thing for me. I couldn't figure out where in the world all this interest generated from. I still don't get it.

I'm nobody important, and I have people watching me right and left, and some really tryign to keep me down, and what for, I've no idea. I am trying to live a normal life and would like to have a chance to do this.

Just the basics.

Then, I think I could get back to being funny. Not blogging, and just socializing and being funny. I used to be funny! I had a good sense of humor and wit! I'm too stressed out right now, to even joke around.

I have seen some men crying over me. Dark haired guys in black cars, and italian looking younger men. I don't know, but I've noticed.

Friday, September 25, 2009

New Commitment w/ Life Conditions

I am going to make a new commitment only if I know nothing happens to people I've known or know now.

If something happens to any one of them, no change will come from me.

It would be a very big mistake to continue to allow any harm to come to anyone I know or have supported in the past, present, or future, in any way.

Mark my words.

I'm wise and discreet and have learned a thing or two. However, as I cried I was bleeding from my heart and it came up in a cough. Bits of blood. I felt the sobbing was like a deep bleed. I wiped my face and put those tears on that glass, facing Wenatchee, and felt my strength return.

The Color Of The Pink Pillbox or Fabrige

I think this is harmless to describe. I wanted to find the exact color of the object I saw which was like a ceramic or shellacked type of fabrige egg or whatever. But it wasn't egg-shaped, it was rounder, not oblong.

I found a similiar color on wiki, in "dogwood rose" which is almost as deep, however, it was brighter and warmer. It was slightly more flamingo pink almost but still rose colored. Just brighter and warmer than dogwood rose.

So anyway, I was describing it to this man. It was this bright but deep rose color, still pink but darker and it had a gold middle seam and that was encrusted with diamonds or rhinestones, little small circular ones maybe, all the way around. Then the second or third time I saw it, it had maybe something on the top but I couldn't tell what it was, if anything. Maybe a decoration but maybe not. I don't know. Someone asked about the feet but I didn't see feet. It was more of a flash of something. Maybe it had feet, I'm sure it had to rest on something, but I just saw the overall thing.

So anyway, that was it.

Didn't Smoke All Day

Someone told me I couldn't quit smoking so I had to prove, to myself, I could. I haven't had one cigarette all day.

He said I was looking like a strung out crack whore or something and I have to agree. That stuff has sucked the collagen out of my face and I've circles underneath my eyes.

I was told I might make billions one day. Sure. Well, it's nice to hear. From the ground up? We'll see. Not in this town I fear. I try and try and try, and nothing works.

I have people placing bets and putting out contests, just for me. Yeah, that's all I can say about that right now, but I notice how these people get bolder in their games and I don't like it. I haven't done anything to harm anyone and instead, I get intentionally pushed and locked out by a whole group.

Group think. I had no idea. I am not going to be able to get my son back, just because of this, and it's not even my fault. There is nothing I can do about it. I try, and I try, and it doesn't matter. They have their minds made up. Sign to sign, across town, is "thumbs up" to my floating down the river, from dam to dam. This is the official burial grounds, it seems. Every so often, it is reported someone is found floating down the river.

I don't even have half the knowledge to understand this, but it's vicious and mean. In no way have I tried to harm anyone. I haven't. In return, it's join 'em, not even knowing or trusting what you're joining, or lose.

I try. I have offered myself up more than once to be a sacrificial lamb, and I am STILL trying. Can I turn it around? Can I get ANYONE on my side? I try. I really, really, try.

It seems it doesn't matter. No matter what.

I just got kicked out of another establishment for absolutely no reason. One that decided to use the slogan on their own billboard, and sponsor this game. They decided to tell me I couldn't ever come back because a couple law enforcement asked if I was a hooker. I said I was not. I also said this was ridiculous. It didn't matter. The next thing they tried to accuse me of, was of lying to a front desk woman to use a key to take a shower. They said, SHE said, I asked to use it after I said I was leaving my room. I had told them, no, this woman specifically offered a key to me to shower. They said my story didn't add up. I said, it sure didn't, when it makes NO sense whatsoever, that I would CHECK out of my hotel room and THEN decide I wanted to take a shower. I never did this and it is ludicrous to think I would come up with this idea.

The woman who allegedly told the management this, also was specifically trying to get an ID badge from a hospital back from me. She kept insisting I give it back. I said that was okay but she wanted it back. Maybe it's because she knew what was written on it.

It's one thing for me to have a difficult time and it's another thing to be totally ostracized and isolated because I don't understand how some of the people here operate.

I try, but I don't see anyone trying to help me more than they try to get me into trouble.

Let me see some good.

I do my best. I shudder to think this is the "best" of the town. I shudder to think. I would like to think people are accepting. I have nothing to say except that I don't understand these people. I get fear and scare tactics when all I've done is try to get simple work and housing. These people never want me to rise from the ground.

Prove me wrong. Let ME see how this town is GOOD to others. I want to KNOW, and taste, the goodness of the town. Give me a hint of how kind this town can be to others.

Then, maybe I'll want to put in some stakes.

I did something tonight that was spontaneous that I will never forget and if there is ever a movie, I want this part in the movie:

I went to the bathroom of the same establishment that kicked me out telling me it's the last night, and I washed my hands and then pulled up the blinds to the large windows overlooking the town. There is a tremendous view of a great portion of Wenatchee. I watched cars and SUVs and sedans driving by, one after the other, and stood there watching and started to cry. Not just cry, sob. Guess what sob rhymes with?

So I stood there and tears just falling, and I determined I was not going to be ashamed or turn away from that window. Should anyone care to look, I was putting myself face forward to the town, in tears. And then, after crying, standing solidly for a while, and shaking from the tears and grief and shock of it all, I then took my two hands, palms against my face, and brushed away all the tears, making my palms entirely wet. I stood to the town from that window and this spontaneous idea came to me and I didn't even think twice. I took my wet palms, and I reached up to the window with palms facing the town, and I set them against that window and that town, and brought them down, streaking the glass with my tears.

My tears. My grief, and the grief of my son, upon this town, for the cruelty and exclusivity and threats. My tears, and the grace and peace of God upon you nevertheless.

I leave my tears with you.

Thursday, September 24, 2009


Oh I dunno. I thought maybe I had done something wrong in my approach to work but I \have no idea. I think everything is fine and tired to trying to understand but talked with someone who just said to keep better track of timing and work hard to get on my feet. So that's all I can do! and focus energy on that and just quit the blog.

Wednesday, September 23, 2009

Looking For Work & Prayer Today

I am still looking for work. Will be filling out more applications and trying to get into a decent position. At this point, I'll work fast food if I have to, to get by. Hook me up.

As for prayer, I did pray today. I prayed and a name came to mind but it could have just been a word for meaning. "Rafaela" and I thought it was Italian but actually it's of Hebrew origin, meaning "God heals". So that was odd for me, because I don't know any Rafaela's at all, but maybe it came to mind for the meaning. I also think it's an angel from the Bible too. I can't remember.

Address For New Blog & Thoughts Today on Community & Pacificism

I will probably quit blogging so much but I wanted to start a different one with a different address, and take most of this blog down entirely.

The last couple days I've been looking for work and housing and trying to figure some things out, so I haven't had a chance to go through and get rid of stuff.

But today, the verse that came to my mind was: "I desire that all men should pursue peace..." but I couldn't remember which book it was from so I tried to look it up.

I think it is Hebrews 12:14. "Pursue peace with all men, and the sanctificiation without which no one will see the Lord."

Then I found a cool site that had a lot of different sayings from different countries around the world, about peace--which I will post.

In the last 2 days I've realized some new things. Truly. And I realized that no man is an island. That by offending one person, it's sometimes offending an entire group. And that community is very important, and sometimes they take sides in order to protect eachother, understandably.

I have offended so many people I don't know where to start. I never had the perspective I have now.

Having that, I understand how great my offenses have been. That even if I apologized in the past, I have a different understanding of what I've done and people I love or even people I don't even know, whom I've hurt or endangered possibly, just by getting others angry with them as well.

I didn't know what my new blog, if I should have one...what it should be about even. I wanted it to be about something that's just general and not about people I meet except for positive things to say or write.

Instead of wanting just peace, I now have a perspective of peace between communities and for myself among all as well. Between families, communities, countries, everything.

I told someone today, it's not that I don't want to get to know different people better, it's that I want to have an open house. I now see how certain groups HAVE tried to help and I didn't see it or offended them.

I don't understand why the rules can't be changed. Why we can't switch it up. It seems it's easier to have an inter-racial relationship now than inter-cultural mixes and communities.

I don't want to take sides, left or right, right or wrong. I don't want to be an outsider either. What I want, if I am able to make the choice for myself, is to change it. Change the rules that say you must take sides, that you must prefer one to the other.

God has a great umbrella that covers everyone. That insists each person is valuable. I didn't practice this myself, this attempt at understanding how even words can cause great harm, almost as much as physical harm. And I was wrong. Then I see great conflicts in the world, and I just say, I want to be safe, yes, but I still want covering for everyone.

I want to be able to marry who I love, whomever that should be, regardless of who they are, where they're from, what they do. Rich or poor, black or white, no matter where they're from. I want this for everyone. I want to be able to welcome anyone and everyone, in an open house, to be able to say "You are welcome in my house, and will find sanctuary here, no matter who you are." Your past is irrelevant, and I don't what you want for your future, but I want you to have peace.

I don't even know if sometimes pacificism is dangerous. Will it harm any group or person? Sometimes I've seen this is true, in that if one group is really being bullied, they have to protect themselves or be demolished. So I understand, but is there a way to include all and to somehow promote less violence or less conflict, even if things go on and happen?

I want my family to be my family and I believe in adoption too and then outside of that, also, I believe in guests. I suppose sometimes you're closer to some, more than others, and some will be more supportive than others, but still, is there a way to find and promote peace and put past wrongs aside and find a way to reduce any harm that could come to anyone in particular?

I know there are some who have really come forward to help me when no one else did. So in this way I feel an allegiance, but then too, I don't want to cast aside others.

I believe in, and understand, sometimes having to separate oneself from something because those who would do good turn to harm, but what I want to know, is if there is any place for finding a peace among all.

Sometimes, I think we could be happier with a whole other group or family even or living in another country. For whatever reason, things just don't work out. But still, is it possible to have both?

Why can't we all have both? Why can't we all get along sounds very cliche, but it is what I somehow would like to explore.

Some have done very, very, bad things to me and my son. And I, as well, not understanding the impact of my words, thinking it's not like physical harm and half the time not understanding how the impact could harm. So I didn't understand this and now I do. I should have been writing apology notes and just not going on about my problems to begin with. I should have understood how to let things go when necessary but I don't think I quite understood the power of a voice and how it can harm or heal. It didn't make sense to me. A lot of things didn't make sense and a lot of things still do not make sense to me. Having understood how I've created problems, I am slightly interested in maybe studying pacificm or conflict resolution. I have not been very successful at this myself. I would like to hope, that possibly, I could change. That maybe I don't need to know more more, but that I know enough now to change and have it actually mean something to me, in what I need to change or the harm of words.

I would like to think I could maybe study conflict resolution and possibly, nursing, in order to help others, whomever they may be, in a practical way. I would like to find a way to blend philosophical ideas of change or conflict resolution, with practical application. But I'm interested in actually studying case history of conflict and resolution, to get a better grasp on what has worked for the most people in the past and understand what doesn't work. I once went to a peace--conflict resolution conference at George Fox University in Oregon many years ago. I have no idea why and I think I stumbled across it and just went ahead and went to it. It was sort of interesting, but I didn't get it and I didn't know how it really applied to me or my life or to the lives of others. But I'm sort of interested in it now.

"Blessed are the peacemakers, for they shall see peace." I forgot which verse that is, but it's one I haven't followed much. I don't think I would have even understood how to go about finding it if I tried, even if I should have known, there is a lot I didn't know and don't know still. I haven't realized what a late bloomer I am. Some people have said to me that my "eyes" were "dangerous" and yet I don't think I had eyes to see the things others see or saw. I had bits and foolishly pursued my own haphazard course, thinking it didn't affect anyone else and then wondering why I had so many problems.

Is there any way to keep those who might love me, and I don't know sometimes who these people might from harm and for a complete resolution? Is there a way to keep communities safe from me and the damage I've done with hurtful words. Is there a way to keep countries able to sustain themselves and on their feet, but in a peaceful way?

I never used to believe it was very likely, once things get rolling, in country conflicts, to find a way to "make everybody happy". People are fighting for resources, for protection for their families, land, and interests. But still, I think it has to be possible. Even where I feel it is impossible, I feel now it has to be possible. Greater peace MUST be possible. The rules have to change. People can change it up and work together and find a way to extend their hands and even make small sacrifices for less fortunate to be able to get ahead. Not to top them, or demolish them, if that is the intention, but there has to be a way to find better peace. I don't know how but I want to study it. I feel sad, like crying in a way, because it seems hopeless but I don't think it is. It cannot be impossible and I cannot give up.

World Scripture

Peace is one of the most desirable fruits of salvation in all the
world's religions. We begin with passages describing the fruit of inner
peace. The peace that comes with reaching Ultimate Reality brings
tranquillity to the heart and clarity to the mind. It is the absence of
passions, desires, anxieties, and wandering thoughts; the heart becomes
cool and content. Nirvana is often translated 'Peace.' Islam and
Christianity both praise the peace and tranquillity that come to the soul
that is firm in faith. The soul of the saint has been likened to a deep
pond whose surface remains undisturbed by waves despite the many currents
or streams that flow into it.

A second group of passages describe the peace of God that brings
harmony among people and nations. Outward peace is emphasized in the
Abrahamic faiths, for whom the work of God has a social and historical
dimension. The love of God breaks down the walls of hostility between
people, and thus becomes the foundation for their lasting peace. Yet
peace in this social and political sense is not only given by God; it must
also be built by the efforts of human beings. Those who are blessed with
inner peace have the responsibility to become peacemakers, reconciling

Peace I leave with you; my peace I give to you; not as the world gives do
I give to you.

Christianity. Bible, John 14.27

In the remembrance of God do hearts find satisfaction.

Islam. Qur'an 13.28

The Master said, "In the morning, hear the Way; in the evening, die

Confucianism. Analects 4.8

This is peace, this is the excellent, namely the calm of all the impulses,
the casting out of all "basis," the extinction of craving, dispassion,
stopping, Nirvana.

Buddhism. Anguttara Nikaya v.322

O tranquil soul,
return to your Lord
so pleasant and well-pleased!
Enter among My servants
and enter My garden!

Islam. Qur'an 89.27-30

May the Lord lift up his countenance upon you, and give you peace.

Judaism and Christianity. Bible, Numbers 6.26

And the peace of God, which passes all understanding, will keep your
hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

Christianity. Bible, Philippians 4.7

He it is who sent down peace of reassurance into the hearts of the
believers, that they might add faith to their faith.

Islam. Qur'an 48.4

Thou dost keep him in perfect peace,
whose mind is stayed on thee,
because he trusts in thee.

Judaism and Christianity. Bible, Isaiah 26.3

If a man sings of God and hears of Him,
And lets love of God sprout within him,
All his sorrows shall vanish,
And in his mind, God will bestow abiding peace.

Sikhism. Adi Granth, Japuji 5, M.1, p. 2

Anguttara Nikaya v.322: Nirvana is the Ultimate Good because it is the
complete end of all the impulses and passions that produce evil. Cf.
Dhammapada 96, p. 230. Qur'an 89.27-30: Cf. Qur'an 56.27, p. 353.
Numbers 6.26: Part of the Aaronic benediction, Numbers 6.24-26, p. 56.

Just as a deep lake is clear and still, even so, on hearing the teachings
and realizing them, the wise become exceedingly peaceful.

Buddhism. Dhammapada 82

As rivers flow into the ocean but cannot make the vast ocean overflow, so
flow the streams of the sense-world into the sea of peace that is the

Hinduism. Bhagavad Gita 2.70

Men do not mirror themselves in running water--they mirror themselves in
still water. Only what is still can still the stillness of other things.

Taoism. Chuang Tzu 5

The monk looks for peace within himself, and not in any other place. For
when a person is inwardly quiet, there is nowhere a self can be found;
where, then, could a non-self be found?

There are no waves in the depths of the sea; it is still, unbroken. It is
the same with the monk. He is still, without any quiver of desire,
without a remnant on which to build pride and desire.

Buddhism. Sutta Nipata 919-20

The Lord lives in the heart of every creature. He turns them round and
round upon the wheel of his Maya. Take refuge utterly in Him. By His
grace you will find supreme peace, and the state which is beyond all

Hinduism. Bhagavad Gita 18.61-62

Should anyone be victim of great anxiety, his body racked with maladies,
Beset with problems of home and family, With pleasure and pain
alternating, Wandering in all four directions without peace or rest--
Should he then contemplate the Supreme Being, Peaceful shall his mind and
body become.

Sikhism. Adi Granth, Sri Raga, M.5, p. 70

Dhammapada 82: Cf. Anguttara Nikaya iii.34, p. 531; Dhammapada 413, pp.
231f. Bhagavad Gita 2.70: Cf. Bhagavad Gita 6.7-9, p. 226. Chuang Tzu 5:
Only a person at peace with himself can calm others. Cf. Tao Te Ching 4,
p. 525; Great Learning, p. 842; Tao Te Ching 56, p. 840. Sutta Nipata
919-920: Cf. Dhammapada 279, p. 899. The peace which comes from finding
union in the midst of the world's bewildering diversity is also expressed
in the Peace Chant of the Isha Upanishad, p. 55. Cf. Katha Upanishad
3.13, p. 840, Bhagavad Gita 5.10-12, p. 724. On the wheel of Maya, see
Svetasvatara Upanishad 1.6.8, p. 398.

Victory breeds hatred, for the defeated live in pain. Happily live the
peaceful, giving up victory and defeat.

Buddhism. Dhammapada 201

Tao invariably takes no action, and yet there is nothing left undone. If
kings and barons can keep it, all things will transform spontaneously. If,
after transformation, they should desire to be active, I would restrain
them with simplicity, which has no name. Simplicity, which has no name, is
free of desires. Being free of desires, it is tranquil. And the world will
be at peace of its own accord.

Taoism. Tao Te Ching 37

Some children were playing beside a river. They made castles of sand, and
each child defended his castle and said, "This one is mine." They kept
their castles separate and would not allow any mistakes about which was
whose. When the castles were all finished, one child kicked over someone
else's castle and completely destroyed it. The owner of the castle flew
into a rage, pulled the other child's hair, struck him with his fist and
bawled out, "He has spoiled my castle! Come along all of you and help me
to punish him as he deserves." The others all came to his help. They beat
the child with a stick and then stamped on him as he lay on the ground....
Then they went on playing in their sand castles, each saying, "This is
mine; no one else may have it. Keep away! Don't touch my castle!" But
evening came, it was getting dark and they all thought they ought to be
going home. No one now cared what became of his castle. One child
stamped on his, another pushed his over with both hands. Then they turned
away and went back, each to his home.

Buddhism Yogacara Bhumi Sutra 4

Glory to God in the highest, and on earth peace, good will toward men!

Christianity. Bible, Luke 2.14

The whole of the Torah is for the purpose of promoting peace.

Judaism. Talmud, Gittin 59b

Dhammapada 201: Cf. Nitivaktyamrita 344, p. 1052. Tao Te Ching 37: Cf.
Chuang Tzu 7, p. 588; Tao Te Ching 80, p. 291. Yogacara Bhumi Sutra 4: In
this parable Nirvana is likened to the diminution of jealousy and passion
for existence with the cool of evening. In the Pali version (Samyutta
Nikaya iii.188) the sand castles are likened to the body, which had been
the object of grasping; with Release it becomes a thing to be disregarded
and broken up. Luke 2.14: The proclamation of the angelic hosts at the
birth of Jesus, the Prince of Peace; see the larger passage Luke
1.26-2:14, p. 596. Cf. Yasna 60.5, p. 289.

All things exist for world peace.

Perfect Liberty Kyodan Precepts, 14

God is peace, His name is peace, and all is bound together in peace.

Judaism. Zohar, Leviticus 10b

For Christ Jesus is our peace, who has made us both one, and has broken
down the dividing wall of hostility.

Christianity. Bible, Ephesians 2.14

Our Father, it is thy universe, it is thy will:
Let us be at peace, let the souls of the people be cool.
Thou art our Father, remove all evil from our path.

African Traditional Religions. Nuer Prayer (Sudan)

They shall beat their swords into plowshares,
and their spears into pruning hooks;
nation shall not lift up sword against nation,
neither shall they learn war any more.

Judaism and Christianity. Bible, Isaiah 2.4

Now is the gracious Lord's ordinance promulgated,
No one shall cause another pain or injury;
All mankind shall live in peace together,
Under a shield of administrative benevolence.

Sikhism. Adi Granth, Sri Raga, M.5, p. 74

Blessed are the peacemakers, for they shall be called sons of God.

Christianity. Bible, Matthew 5.9

He brings together those who are divided, he encourages those who are
friendly; he is a peacemaker, a lover of peace, impassioned for peace, a
speaker of words that make for peace.

Buddhism. Digha Nikaya xiii.75, Tevigga Sutta

Precepts, 14: A sentiment common to most of the new religions of Japan.
Zohar, Leviticus 10b: In Hebrew, shalom includes the concepts peace,
wellness, and wholeness. Cf. Numbers 6.24-26, p. 56; the Kaddish prayer,
p. 54. Ephesians 2.14: Cf. John 17.20-21, p. 271; Atharva Veda 7.52.1-2,
pp. 272f. Matthew 5.9: Cf. Abot 1.12, p. 239.

If two parties of believers fall to fighting, then make peace between
them. And if one party of them does wrong to the other, fight that
wrong-doer until it returns to the ordinance of God; then, if it returns,
make peace between them justly, and act equitably. Lo! God loves the

Islam. Qur'an 49.9

During the short eons of swords,
They meditate on love,
Introducing to nonviolence
Hundreds of millions of living beings.

In the midst of great battles
They remain impartial to both sides;
For bodhisattvas of great strength
Delight in reconciliation of conflict.

Buddhism. Holy Teaching of Vimalakirti 8

Peace be to earth and to airy spaces!
Peace be to heaven, peace to the waters,
peace to the plants and peace to the trees!
May all the gods grant me peace!
By this invocation of peace may peace be diffused!
By this invocation of peace may peace bring peace!
With this peace the dreadful I appease,
with this peace the cruel I appease,
with this peace all evil I appease,
so that peace may prevail, happiness prevail!
May everything for us be peaceful!

Hinduism. Atharva Veda 19.9.14

Monday, September 21, 2009

Deleting Blog In 30 Minutes-1 Hour...correction

I am going to delete my blog very soon. I am giving it maybe a half hour or so to think how I can preserve some past or documentation of things I've written, but I'm I just found out how to delete the entire thing.

I'm going to need a tiny bit more time. It looks like I don't know if I can save any of my poems or not. I want to save some of them and if I click this one button, I think I lose the whole blog, including poems.

I want to start over, on a new page.

It is probably a little late, but I am doing it for me. The only thing that I know is real is that when I pray I really mean it, it's real to me, that there is a higher power, above all this world has and above me and everything. I feel very sure about this. That people are the hands, but that there is a higher power. A very real and very strong presence that I know has been in my life and is still there. I can't know anyone's mind but my own mind. It goes beyond all things, and it's the only thing I understand.

I think I'm becoming bona fide religious again. Sincerely, and not as part of a game or strategy. It's all I have known in my life that is sure, and all I know about my own mind and what I understand. I don't understand the rest of the universe and I know now how I created problems for myself, but I want to be in the right.

I picked up a Bible and the following passages came up, which were scary, but this is what it said:

Isaiah 47:
"come down and sit in the dust, O virgin daughter of Babylon; sit on the ground without a throne, O daughter of the Chaldeans! For you shall no more be called tender and delicate."

Then I flipped to something else randomly:

Matthew 25:
The parable of the 10 virgins. Read the whole thing.

Then Romans 7:13
Has then what is good become death to me? Certaintly not! But sin, that iit might appear sin, was producing death in me through what is good, so that sin through the commandment might become exceedingly sinful.
For we know that the law is spiritual, but I am carnal, sold under sin.
For what I am doing, I do not understand. For what I will to do, that I do not practice; but what I hate, that I do.
If, then, I do what I will not to do, I agree with the law that it is god. But now, it is no longer I who d it, but sin that dwells in me.
For I know that in me (that is, in my flesh) nothing good dwells; for to will is present with me, but how to perform what is good I do not find.
For the good that I will to do, I do not do; but the evil I will not do, that I practice.
Now if I do what I will not to do it is no longer I who do it, but sin that dwells in me.
I find then a law, that evil is present with me, the one who wills to do good.
for I delight in the law of God according to the inward man.
But I see another law in my members, warring against the law of my mind, and bringing me into captivity to the law of sin which is in my members.
O wretched man that I am! who will deliver me from this body of death?
I thank God--through Jesus Christ our Lord! So then, with the mind I myself serve the law of God, but with the flesh the law of sin.
There is therefore now no condemnation to those who are in Christ Jesus, who do not walk according to the flesh, but according to the Spirit.
For the law of the Spirit of life in Christ Jesus has made me free from the law of sin and deaht.
For what the law could not do in that it was weak through the flesh, God did by sending His own Son in the likeness of sinful flesh, on account of sin: He condemned sin in the flesh,'That the righteous requirement of the law might be fulfilled in us who do not walk according to the flesh but according to the Spirit.
For those who live according to the flesh set their minds of the things of the flesh, but those who live according to the Spirit, the things of the Spirit.

For to be carnally minded is death, but to be spiritually minded is life and peace.
Because the carnal mind is in enemity against God; for it is not subject to the law of God, nor indeed can be.
So then, those who are in the flesh cannot please God.
But you who are not in the flesh, but in the Spirit, if indeed the Spirit of God dwells in you. Now if anyone does not have the Spirit of Christ, he is not His.
And if Christ is in you, the body is dead because of sin, but the Spirit is life because of the rightousness.
But if the Spirit of Him who raised Jesus from the dead dwells in you, He who raised Christ from the dead will also give life to your mortal bodies through His Spirit, who dwells in you.
Therefore, brethern, we are debtors--not to the flesh, to live according to the flesh.
For if you live according to the flesh you will die; but if by the Spirit you put to death the deeds of the body, you will live.

For as many as are led by the Spirit of God, these are the sons of God. For you did not receive the spirit of bondage again to fear, but you received the Spirit of adoption by whom we cry out, "Abba, Father."
The Spirit Himself bears witness with our spirit that we are children of God,
and if children, then heirs of God and joint heirs to Christ, if indeed we suffer with Him that we may also be glorified together.
For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worthy to be compared with the glory which shall be revealed in us.
For the earnest expectation of the creation eagerly waits for the revealing of the sons of God.
For the creation was subject to futility, not willingly, but because of him who subjected it in hope;
Because the creation itself also will be delivered from the bondage of corruption into the glorious liberty of the children of God.
For we know that the whole creation groans and labors with birth pangs together until now.
Not only that, but we also who have the firstfruits of the Spirit, even we ourselves groan within ourselves, eagerly waiting the adoption, the redemption of the body.

For we are saved in this hope, but hope that is seen is not hope; for why does one stil hope for what he sees?

But we hope for what we do not see, we eagerly await for it with perserverance.

I guess I could keep typing away, but I love this chapter, the whole thing, and I remember sitting in my room when I was a little girl, asking my Dad about it, and tears coming down my face because it struck a chord. I was 9 years old. I didn't know why I did things I didn't really want to do and I wanted to be good.

This sort of has new meaning for me now, but it's still real to me. I believe it still. I believe in a higher power, above all people here on earth, and while I may not belong to any particular Protestant denomination, or to a Jewish faith or even to the Catholic church, I believe this much, that there is a true redeemer and God who loves equally and cares about all and who cares for me and my son. I don't know where I belong, but I am true to one thing and one thing alone:

My own conscience and to this higher power which I call God. I have done bad things to others and to myself, but I do believe that while the power of others is out there to do good and/or bad, that my strength will always come from this faith. Where that leads me, I have no idea. Where I'm going, I don't know. I know I want peace with my own family and other families and that I want, more than anything, peace in my own heart and with God, to keep going and get up even when I'm isolated or down, and to just listen to my heart which belongs to no one but God.

There are angels on earth and there are angels in heaven and I do believe in both, that people everywhere, from every background, can be angels on earth, but more than that, I believe in angels which are spiritual which care for all.

Peace and My Son

I am so caught up with getting things together, I forgot about my appointment with my son this morning. I was trying to work on getting some things together and in the process of doing THIS, for my son, I forgot about my appointment.

I wrote to my family. I have thought about my goals and what I would like and I realize my goals are simple. I want my innocence back and I want my son's innocence to be preserved. That's a tall order. Aside from that, all I want is to do good for everyone and anyone, no matter who they are. I would like to work for the UN or a peacekeeping organization or something. I haven't been good at this in my own life, but I want to turn it around. I want to be like justice, or lady justice, where she doesn't see who is who and just gives mercy or justice or grace, freely and with open heart.

I don't know how to do this, how to "love all, serve all" like some kind of hard rock cafe slogan, but I want to keep simple things in mind and keep a simple faith with my spirituality, and to be fair to all and I just want a fair chance from anyone else.

If I have to be single all my life to avoid conflict or distraction from my son, I will take this. I don't want to be isolated, or to be an outcast, but just free to be good. I want to be able to have lunch with someone anywhere in the world and have others know I'm not a spy or that I prefer someone to another. I would like to be a sort of diplomat but then I would have to have a country to be a diplomat for them, but I guess, on a very small level, I'd like to be like ? I don't know.

I would like to have a chance from everyone, to be free from whatever issues I may have had and I would like to show how I am trying. I also believe others should be free to love whom they love, and make decisions for their lives based on what is good for them or based on sincere love, no matter where they come from or who they are.

I would like to somehow find a way to be welcome in this town, no matter who I'm talking to, and to be included in a variety of things. I am not brave enough to do anything except to stand alone and then maybe sometime stand with someone else who feels the same. I want my son to be free to make decisions based on his heart and mind and not the dictates of others' or out of fear.

Perfect love casts out fear. This is what I want for my life, to have a more perfect love for others and for myself as well. This song by Paris Hilton sort of hits home for me, I want to have blind love, if it is possible. If it is possible, I want love from all and I want to be that kind of love. I don't know if it is possible, what I want. I don't know, if it is possible to make eveyone happy and to be happy too, and to, one minute, embrace one thing and then the embrace the other, but I just would like to know if maybe sometimes, you don't have to choose and don't have to reject or be rejected by trying to choose all. I don't want to reject anyone, nor do I want to be rejected. If it is possible, I would like to openly embrace everyone. If I can. If I can, whether someone is poor or rich, or old or young, or black or white, or inbetween, or from one place or the other, I would like to be able to somehow have peace but also have a better peace. Not an isolation, as I've created for myself, or a rejection, as I've created for myself, or problems as I've created for myself. Somehow, I would like to have a free will and be able to be complete in myself and directly to a higher power that I understand on my own, that is very real to me, which is sincere. It seems like this should be the easiest thing, but often it's not. It seems like sometimes, one needs to take a side or a stance and countries war, and yet I would somehow like to be able to resolve conflict of my own life and of others, through love. It is my heartfelt wish. If it is wrong, I don't know what to do.

My eyes were recently opened, maybe a couple days ago, to issues I created for myself, but I didn't totally understand what I was doing. Please forgive me, for I didn't know what I was doing. Not Father forgive them, but forgive me.

I am going to delete my whole blog and start a new one. I thought I knew how to delete only one little post at a time but I'm going to find out if I can delete the whole thing and then start over.


I am speaking in very serious religious tones right now. I mean, plain old spiritual things and about images I sometimes get. I decided it's not a good idea to write down names of people who come to mind that I pray for, because they might misunderstand my intention of praying for good and that it's not out of pity or being condescending either.

But there was one image I got several days ago which keeps popping to mind, a woman, with a deep rose ceramic egg with a shiny glaze over it, and it's round, not egg or oblong shaped, and has a gold middle or trim, like a pill box does, which clasps and is studded with tiny rhinestones or diamonds. I keep seeing this object. It's solid colored.

The other day I saw a woman who I felt had a son and I asked her if she did and she said yes. I felt he was going to be okay, in my spirit I felt it. It is really rare that I do this and maybe it didn't mean anything but I just knew I was supposed to tell her her son was going to be okay. She kept asking if I knew her son but I don't. I didn't even know if she had one at all, which was why I asked.

The other thing I had an image of was of a red haired boy, about 4-6, who was white, and I kept having him come to mind but there is no one in my immediate family with red hair.

Monday, September 14, 2009

Not Blogging Anymore Because My Son Is Fine

I have zero need to blog at all anymore, and I also don't have anything more to say. The reason, is that my son has recovered and was a markedly different little guy today.

If my son is okay, there is nothing to say or blog. Nothing. He is all I care about and he was totally different today.

He was able to speak. He could hardly articulate anything at the last visit. He was disoriented, suffering, and unable to even speak normally. This was totally reversed today and he was talkative, peppy, and in great spirits.

The first thing he said, after I said it sounded like his cold was almost gone, was he said, "Mommy! And I don't even cry at night anymore!" He doesn't cry anymore at night. It was the best thing I have ever heard him say, besides "I love you".

Not only that, he was just himself so he kept hugging and kissing me and was normal and appropriate and in excellent spirits.

He didn't have any injuries at all, just a couple totally normal bruises but nothing at all and he looked 100%.

100% like he should.

There was nothing new or abnormal with his pigmentation, no unusual scars, no fingerprint bruises, nothing.

And he doesn't cry anymore at night.

He is speaking normally again.

Thank you.

I am so thankful, I don't have anything else to add but this, my thanks from my heart, and my desire to return good with good in any form that I can.

I have nothing more to add. Nothing more about anyone or anything. Some of my blog is fiction, some isn't, but it's the end as long as my son is in normal shape.

I don't mean I'm going to start blogging again if he has a couple of bruises. I know kids have accidents while playing, but I can say he was not in normal condition last time I saw him. Even the circles under his eyes are gone.

Thank you. Whomever I have to thank, from the deepest part of my heart, thank you so much. Thank you to so many people.

As for me, I started having the pain again when I was walking and people were driving by, but I can only say thank you. I don't care how I might suffer as much as I care about my son and for that, I have nothing more to say but God bless you and thank you, for helping one small little boy.

I want to help your kids too. I don't know what kind of nurse I'll be but I have considered either pediatrics or emergency. I am good in emergencies and calm, but I wouldn't like seeing some of the stuff. I like kids and am good with them. Aside from that, I don't know.

But thank you. Nothing is in vain, and I am on my knees, thankful to God for this good thing from my son. I know I keep going on, but this is all I want. This is what makes me not feel like blogging at all and just forgetting all the past and to quit trying to figure stuff out. This is what helps me not to feel, I don't know, that I NEED to blog for any reason.

I'm just thankful.

If I CAN, I will go through and delete most of the posts. This is the main thing I want to do, if I go back to my blog, is to start deleting things now. I could probably delete the whole thing.

Fictional Stuff

I recently wrote a few more things which were fictional, about cigarette numbers and counting and a dream with a yellow flower.

I was sort of curious about some stuff and wanted to see if I could discern anything but I'm not going to figure anything out and my son is fine, so I don't even care anymore.

I did have the dream, but it wasn't yellow. It was purple and I just changed the color, out of curiosity if I'd have dirty looks again.

Also, as for Alvaro, I wrote too much. I talked to him briefly and that was it. I wrote more my thoughts than what was actual conversation.

How it is is private, and I am single, period, and have only one love of my life and that's my son.

As for anything else in my life or anyone else, all I want is for there to be good things for everybody. I want to write about my son and why I don't need to blog anymore.


I need to get ahold of R. because I lost the number and need my jacket when I had it stored.

I'm at the same place.

Apology to Jamie Dettmer

I want to apologize publicly, for what I wrote in the past.

I think you always gave good advice and had my best interests at heart. I'm sorry for saying anything at all, on my blog.

Thank you for your conversations and confidences.

You are one highly, highly, intelligent man and I'm sure you could tell people over here how you know, firsthand, that I'm really run-of-the-mill. If I am smart, you are a genius.

Also, I should have listened more to some of the advice I got there. I got some very good advice from different people, and opportunities, which I didn't take. It is true I was too stressed out to be clear-thinking and do much for myself, but I look back and see the wisdom I came across and I am sad I didn't follow up on some things even months ago. If I had, I might be in a different position now.

It is no one's fault but my own.

Music Today & Dream Last Night

I thought about what song I wanted to hear first this morning and Whitney Houston came to mind. An old one. 80's of course, "The Greatest Love Of All." Next, Mariah Carey & Whitney Houston's "When You Believe". Then "I'll Be There." Mariah's "Without You."

This morning, I woke up from the first really long and descriptive dream I've had in a long time.

I had the dream that I was staying with K. Kargman and he had a different wife, a blond who I later realized in my dream, was the same Asian woman I had seen in a dream with him in it, several months to a year ago. She had bleached her black hair so I didn't recognize her at first and then I woke up and remembered, just as I remembered in my dream, that I had dreamed about her before.

So I was staying with them and Oliver was with me. He was with me, but there was still a hearing to terminate my rights. It was like the same situation, but he was living there. However, Oliver was represented as a very tiny baby in the dream and at one point someone said he would sleep better in this little flower pot. I had him in the flower pot but carried him everywhere with me. K. or someone put some soil over him which had a yellow flower on the very top. It wasn't bad, but it was to help him sleep and have quiet and dark, but I said no, then I wouldn't know when he was awake and didn't want to miss his wakening.

It was sort of like he was buried, for a moment, and I said no, even if it was darker that way, no one could tell what he needed and when so I took the dirt with the yellow flower off, and it was one single flower like a bright yellow daisy or some small flower, so we could all see him and hear him and be able to tell what he wanted. He agreed but that's when he told me what was going down.

So I took it off and carried him with me everywhere and nurtured him. Then K. told me what was going down with certain people writing visitation notes or other things and he said because so many people weren't telling the truth, I wouldn't get him back, and I asked him if he would vouch for me, while I was with him at their house, that I was a good mother and caregiver and he said he would.

I asked what happened to Marylynn and his new wife didn't like anyone talking about her. K. said M. had found out he was online talking to other women, and reminded me that I'd found him again, online (and then reached out as a friend). I said I remembered her as being very feisty and spirited and fun, which his new wife didn't like so then I started talkig to the new wife and asked how long they had been married and she said "4 years". She was happy to talk about it but then I saw why K. didn't seem so thrilled. She was nice, but she was really boring.

They said they would try to help me get Oliver back but it would be difficult because of what was going on, and they said they believed in me. I realized I'd been afraid to spend even more quality time because I was afraid I was going to have him torn from me again, or never get him back so I was subconsciously putting other things before my focus on him. I determined to put that aside and give him all and my best, even if it hurt again, to have people do what they were doing or had done. So then Oliver and I were going to be bonding again, even stronger than before, even though the bond was never gone, and K. said he would help me with a statement and would do anything I needed to help me get him back.

There was more, but then I woke up.

Oh, I remembered just now, more of it. He wasn't sleeping well and then when he slept with me, he fell asleep and rested for the first time in months. It was a big deal and he was at peace and then that's when I put him in the flower pot and was carrying him and then K. put dirt and a flower over him.

Talked To Alvaro

I talked to Alvaro last night.

It was fine. We talked about getting back together but now isn't a good time and then I just felt something was really wrong. A heaviness in my heart, and I later thought, it may be that it's just not meant to be. I thought, maybe there is something else going on, or maybe it is just that I am meant to be single for a long time, I don't know. Either that feeling was because for some reason I'm meant to be with him but my spirit knew it wasn't going to happen then, and that something was wrong, or it was because it's just not meant to be and talking about it wasn't right. But then again, he didn't put the idea out, but it doesn't make sense to me. He has work in D.C. and wanted to know how quickly I could be in D.C. with my son but I told him it's still going to take time.

I really had this horrible feeling afterwards. Very heavy and sad. Maybe it had to do with him, but maybe it had to do with something else, I don't know. I felt better after writing an email.

He said he didn't write or call much because he was trying to forget me but that doesn't make sense to me. He said he's not with anyone else, but how would I know? I just felt in my heart, that something wasn't right, and it was really not right, so I know the best thing is to move forward from there. I don't know why I can't put my finger on it. Maybe I'll know in the future or he'll tell me sometime in the future, something which will help me understand why I sensed this energy.

I don't know why it is. Maybe I just sensed he was sad, or it was just my spirit telling me it wasn't the course for our lives. I have no idea.

However, I told him I want to help out if I can because things are difficult for him at the moment, and if I can assist, I will.

I really just have to get work is the thing. After I wrote him an email after we talked, I felt 100X better and will just go from here.

I think the best thing is time, and that whatever is meant to be, will happen.

I did tell him about some of the problems I've been having here and I think he wants to help with that, if he can, but we'll just be in touch I guess.

I told him I was going to a prayer thing at the church and that I had started praying to Mary a little bit. Not a lot, but it was new for me, and that I was interested in the idea of being single possibly but didn't know. I was thinking about getting together again and getting married, but it's not good timing.

I also felt, even as I was bringing the idea up, something made me very heavy and sad or said no. I don't think it had anything to do with him but with me, and that maybe I am supposed to be single. I was pretty weighted down but then I felt peace after I wrote an email indicating I would be friends and if he and his family needed financial assistance, if I were working, I would try to help with that.

Then, I also met this guy from Manhatten. The guy acted like he already knew who I was and kept saying he just loved me. I can't tell you how many times he said he loved me, and that I was seriously funny and cracked him up and I was sweet. I thought he first said Brooklyn but then I remember Manhatten for sure. He brought me up a 3-meat sub, a beer, and 9 matches. Don't ask me why I counted. I just did. Girl can't help it. I guess I'm sort of a math person afterall. lol. Anyway, I used his cell to call Alvaro and then he came up sometime after and handed me these things which was nice. I hadn't had a beer in a really long time. Probably the first time I've had a drink, at all, in two weeks.

We'll see. Who knows what may be possible in the future. There may be something for me and Alvaro, and I will wait and see. I don't know the whole situation so I'm in no place of knowing what is going on.

I'm Going To Lose My Son In Wenatchee

I am going to lose my son.

I have too many people here, still trying to keep me from getting into a job which would put me in a normal financial position and too many people interferring with housing again.

And my own family, in response, has withdrawn any and all support and only support my aunt and uncle.

They do not believe my efforts at finding work, or housing.

People on the East Coast were right. One person knew for sure, Jamie. I don't know how he knew, but he knew. He knew it would be better for me to get ahead with money first than to go back because he knew what was going to happen to me here.

Jamie, you were absolutely right. I don't know how you knew, but I am sorry for being upset about something I can't even remember and for not listening.

I don't have legal representation and I have people going out of their way to harass me still so I'm unable to focus on anything else and put forth motions which I don't even have money to put forth.

It doesn't matter what I do. I have too many people still freezing me out and preventing me from getting any kind of meaningful work.

Instead, I have people telling me to go on SSI for mental disability when there is absolutely no reason why I can't work, and I am fit to work. There is nothing holding me back, I am not holding myself back, and I have records of exhaustive efforts to get into normal housing and work.

I wish I had stayed longer on the East Coast to get better financial footing.

Sunday, September 13, 2009

Sarah Brightman & Images

I turned lastfm on and my choices given were:

If you like "Creed", you'll also like "Alter Bridge", "Scott Stapp", and "Staind" or try "At the Drive-In", "The Go! Team", "Black Rebel Motorcycle Club" or "The Ataris".

I chose my own selection--Sarah Brightman and the first song to come on was really pretty:

1. Lascia Ch'io Pionga

Forgiving and Use of Computer to Supercharge for Harm

I'm still depressed. I am feeling okay but the more I pray and think about things, the more I think I have to let things go again. Just forgive and not go back and try again. Which means I don't need to file any orders or go over things anymore. I got very concerned about things recently again, but I don't want to hash into it. I am trying to just move on with my life so I don't know what I could say that would make it better if others don't choose this too, on their own.

I can't do anything about anything. I can only do something about myself. I am just going to start deleting some posts and then try to go forward.

I got some things wrong too. I just found out the guy who said "thank you" wasn't even a U.S. worker like I thought he was. Well, one said thanks about Mary and something related and then the other one I thought was a U.S. guy because of what he was wearing, but I was wrong. I guess he is just a regular Wenatchee guy because I saw him again and talked to him and, I don't know...I think I was just confused. I don't want to go into details but I'm wrong about things, AND I sure hope no one takes my posts without a grain of salt because if I'm not wrong, sometimes I just write stuff that's fictional or to discern something else and see how somene might react to it. I never write anything to try to provoke anyone though, that's for sure. That's not what I mean, but anyway...

I started thinking about the scripture about how many times to forgive others: 70 X 7. So if God is going to forgive me, I have to keep forgiving. Which doesn't mean being a doormat if something really bad happens, but I again have to go on to forgiveness.

I got worried, too, that maybe something bad happened to someone I knew so I called all the people I'd ever known, to check. I don't want anything bad to happen to anyone else, even if bad things have happened to me. I don't even want bad to come to those who have done these things, in many ways, I care about these people too. Even if it sounds weird, and maybe it's odd, but I don't. I want people to have the same second or third or fourth chances that I have received from some, and to be able to have good lives. I still don't know what things are about, I don't, and I sometimes wish I did, but maybe it's better that I don't. If something horrible happens, things would be looked into, but I am not in a place of mind where I want bad things for anyone. Why someone would even want to play any mind game, I don't know, but I don't want to get into it. I haven't done the same in return, and I would rather try to return good for bad and hope that good will come to everyone, even those who might be "enemies". I have had, in the past, some people who I never got along with and who were "enemies" become close friends and strong allies and we ended up helping eachother. So I'd rather try to practice what Ireland practices.

I already wrote things down and gave it to only a couple of very trusted people, in case anything happened, further harm, to me and my son, so someone wouldn't be in the dark. But the thing is, I have had real concerns, and having people lie about me to have me kicked out doesn't really make me feel I can do this on my own without having to start calling people out, publicly, or to authorities, on what may or may not be going on. So the only time I have ever even brought anything up, is after things have been done to me or my son. If nothing is happening, I have nothing to write about. I don't know why some people would want to continue doing things which just puts out more documentation of individuals. If you say and do nothing, there is nothing for me to think about or write about, and no one is giving themselves away in any form. When people come out and deliberately do things, why in the world would anyone think that is "okay" or "safe" or a good idea? It's putting information out there. So I don't know why anyone would do this, and put themself and those they are connected to, in any kind of jeopardy. It's like, if you don't do anything, and drop things, what is there to figure out? Because with all the things that have happened to me, there are things that have been noticed, if not by ME, by others, and the Wenatchee guy was just a Wenatchee guy, but how do I know for sure? What I know is he had some kind of authority but then I thought, if he's from here, I don't know what he does. I just know I wouldn't do ANYTHING, at all, which would allow others to start monitoring what's going on. It IS true, that someone could be keeping track of things, and following the mind games or it's true that someone in some group got sick to the stomach over it, and reported something to someone and some investigation was already started without my saying one word and not even KNOWING what the deal is.

At any rate, I am just giving it up again, figuring things out, because I am trying, once again, to let things go and move forward. I would REALLY appreciate it if others would just quit obstructing my ability to go forward. I don't see how it does anything good for anyone.

Finally, while I believe in forgiving 70X7, I have noticed people have become bolder, simply because I am NOT saying anything. So I feel what I've said was true and I can leave it at that, and I don't need to go into anything else. But I really do mean it, that if anything CONTINUES to happen to me and/or my son, I don't have any choice but to share everything. So I am asking once again, for those who are involved to quit.

That means no more interference with using my own lap top or computer to overcharge things so that I am physically affected. I don't know how it's done, but that's what has happened, and it means this has to stop altogether. It happened while it was plugged in today. It never happens when I'm taking photos of myself or uploading these things, but it happens when I start writing on my blog. Which probably means it's men doing this because only men would hold off on account of photos of a woman.

However, I had one woman do something recently and I noticed and I didn't say anything, even though she went on to cause other problems for me, deliberately. She knows who she is. That's why I'm saying, why even involve yourself at all, if you could get caught? Just quit.

It also means that other methods of harm to me and my son are also quit. This started happening again today and it's not okay. I am letting it go until everyone has a chance to read this for themselves.

After today, if it happens again, you leave me with no other choice but to try to protect myself and my son by writing about anything I know which involves mind games and any other form of harassment or harm.

I know one thing. The back pain and stomach pain can be caused with someone using the computer, or a computer, to supercharge it somehow so that an abnormal amount of energy is emitted which causes pain and bodily harm. You can even feel the static type of energy radiating off the keyboard and it works overtime and the computer makes a lot more noise.

The same back pain can be similarly caused by some kind of device which is handheld and doesn't require a computer but which has a clicking noise, either when it's repeatedly clicked or something is pressed, or?

I've experienced both in the last couple of months. It is the same thing that happened in E.Wenatchee but something stronger would have been used, most likely, because it was a desktop and at a greater distance. It was plugged in and the same thing happened and I had the seizure type incidences when I was next to or on, the computer. It also was fried when it got really overcharged one time, enough to start running really, really, hard, and then it started smoking in the back, or there was a burning scent of ink and the board blew out, spattering ink across the frame to the box.

We're getting closer to figuring out exactly what was done, because some people want to keep it up and give me time to figure it out I guess. Which is why I would say it's best to quit. Oh, and yeah, it also causes benign fasciculations. Which sometimes continue for awhile because whatever is used or done causes heating of the muscles and then creates the fasciculations. It also causes a burning sensation down the front of the thighs to about mid-thigh which was the same thing.

I don't have any cause, whatsoever, for any kind of pain. When this isn't going on, to where I notice how it affects the sound even of the laptop, there is absolutely nothing wrong with my back, stomach, or anything else. The pain or ache and burning sensation only comes when I am directly being affected by a field of energy which gets put out more powerfully but through the laptop. Otherwise, without the laptop, I suppose something can be used from a distance, but what I've noticed with the handheld thing, is that someone has to keep clicking a button or something or turn it on and then it makes this noise repeatedly. A very faint clicking sound. I imagine nothing special has to be done to the laptop or computer but it may be true that something has been placed inside. If that's not done, I guess it can be done some other way. In these small instances lately, it resolves with a couple of hours, but at our house, if the computer was on the whole time, as it was, or there was something else like two metal poles with the house inbetween, that's probably some other way. But in isolated incidences, it happens while on the computer sometimes and then causes body reactions even afterwards and then resolves in a couple of hours. However, the pain is severe enough in small doses, I can see why I and my son were having so many problems, because if it's constant, it wouldn't allow the body time to recover in any way. It causes the nails to warp even in smaller doses. The grow out is totally different from a healthy nail.

I don't need to figure the rest out, but with time, if it continued, I'm sure I would if others don't already know. Anyway, I don't want to think about it anymore and I'm moving onto other things.

I also thought, about the good vibe (which is not a physical thing) even if someone I knew did die, I still have the motivation to pray and this is what changes me. I thought, hmmm, well, I still have the prayer vibe no matter what I think has happened and no matter what, just regardless of my own depression and circumstances so again it hit home that this about people praying for me and my need to pray and something moving inside of me that tells me to pray. And then I was praying and realized several things.

1. I have to take down some photos and things I've written which aren't becoming of a christian. I started looking at them differently.

2. I have to seriously start going to church on Sundays and will probably seriously look into the sister stuff. However, I have to find out if you can still have your child because I absolutely believe I am the best provider for him and his emotional needs, but I need to get finances in order. I actually saw a door was open the other day when I prayed there at chapel but I felt too intimidated to go in. And then, I've just been caught up with my own stuff. But I started thinking about it today. I was sitting there, picking split ends and that's when I had an image. I was listening to christian music and thinking. I don't know what it means though. I think it just means I'm not supposed to date right now, I mean, go out to dinner, sure, but as friends with people and nothing more, until I figure some things out.

I had an image of a couple of things which were powerful, but I don't know if it was just a mind's eye thing or an actual image.

I had one that well, let me think about it because I don't know if I should totally share or not. ....Update. I've decided not to share for now.

The last one I had at the "Haven", was when I had palpitations again, on the last night, and I saw two different colors. With the first one I saw yellow and then with the second one, a flash of white. And that was it. Nothing else with it. It wasn't what I would call an image per se, though, I think it was just a physical reaction probably to palpitation and it woke me up from my sleep in the middle of the night, so I know it wasn't anxiety. I wasn't worried or thinking about anything. I was asleep and I awoke with this.

Cyndi Lauper Into The Night Life

Heard Cyndi. Haven't met her yet, but she's hot. Hmmm. STILL. Heard "Into the Night" for the first time and really liked it. Then I read comments and they were all about how it was so overplayed at all the gay clubs.

I guess I like gay. What can I say. If that's "gay music" I like it.

Maybe Just Depressed About My Mother

I don't know. Maybe I'm just depressed. When one's own mother tells you to "find a nice clean restroom to sleep in," I think that's cause for depression.

I was thinking again, "Hmmm. Maybe this is why I don't understand the Mary Mother" thing very well.

I see Mary, hands extended, saying "My compassionate heart asks you to find a nice clean restroom to sleep in."

It's worse when ones own parents claim they want you to be with your son and then you keep wanting to believe this, against all evidence, and then just realize, it's all a lie. They wanted me to adopt my son out from the start because they don't believe in single women being mothers, period.

The only time they began to be somewhat supportive was when they thought I was getting married.

I have no idea why the threshhold of belief is so low, and always has been, for my parents. They didn't believe I got along with all my classmates when I didn't get along with them at home in high school, and only after I was Homecoming Queen did they begin to treat me with more respect, I guess, because they thought if others liked me, huh, they looked at me differently for once. Then, they never believed a monk could have been romantically interested in me at one point. They didn't believe anyone was ever purposefully vandalizing my property repeatedly, even though there was evidence. They didn't believe I was actually injured in childbirth. They didn't even believe I was held hostage, and if I hadn't had two other roommates who were telling them it was the truth, I don't think they would have ever believed it. They didn't believe in my going to college, and told me from age 16 to just get married.

I can remember one time I felt somewhat supported, and my father told me to do well a particular college term, for him if nothing else. So for once, I had someone backing me and I actually got the highest grades I'd ever received, against the odds, while taking an overload of courses, working PT, and handling a lot of other things at the same time.

There is no way anyone will ever convince me that my parents ever wanted me to have my son, stay with my son, or that they support his being with me in any way.

When times are worst, they are invisible and not even there. It's like the "bad weather disappearing act." If the sun is shining, everyone is out to be supportive. If it's not, everything is my fault, and they disappear.

My brother doesn't have it any better, however he's not had near the number of physical or medical set backs that I've had, which has kept me out of college some of the time, and out of work the rest of the time. They don't even seem to be able to process this. They've been healthy most of their lives, so they don't understand injury, pain, or disability. Even when I needed help after childbirth, an actual Doctor at CWH spoke up for me and reprimanded my parents saying, "that's what family is for."

Well, some families "get it" and others don't.

Now, the Big Blame is that I was kicked out Haven of Harpies. I told them why, and they don't believe it, just like they never believe anything.

They think it's because I must have been disruptive or talking badly about others but I wasn't. I was fairly quiet, polite, and courteous and never started anything. The "reason" I was kicked out was because I was supposedly "pacing back and forth at night" and some gang women lied to say I was "scaring them" when I wasn't even doing this. That, combined with the director's connection to my former housemate, didn't help.

It's very depressing. If one thing might depress me more than anything, it would be my "family". Even Alvaro didn't fully believe it, until he saw for himself. Others always think it's impossible that any family would really be this way, or they think I haven't tried. Every time I try, I am disappointed.

When I've been the one with money, I have been extremely generous and liberal, offering my own parents loans in excess of thousands. I didn't have to do it, but I did. I am certaintly not responsible for "taking care of" my parents finances, but at times when I had more than they did, I gave out of my heart. In return, if I'm down on luck, and even if it's not my fault, it's like pulling teeth to get any help or support at all--emotional or otherwise.

Like pulling teeth. One would think they have NO teeth left, and that I've left them gummy and in need of dentures. One very small token will be replayed and replayed on my memory forever as if that was enough and the buck stops here. The "buck" never "stopped here" with me. If I was able to help, I always WANTED to, out of my heart, and I did.

I still do this, even when I don't have very much. Someone bought me a pack of cigarettes the other day and I gave at least half of them away. I enjoy being able to give, even small things.

Some people are exactly the opposite. Giving is like tearing their heart out. It's the begrudging dispensation of an artery. It's like an insult, for some, to even be asked. I don't get it. I spend from my top dollar, on my son, and I would do this until he was 77. I would do anything for my son, and I want to do what I can. I put others' needs before my own at times too, when maybe I shouldn't. I do care.

Having someone say they're "praying" for me is like having someone say "thanks" and walk away. Words are cheap. Words are freely given and they don't cost anything. Some people have a difficult time with words, and that's a different problem. Some families or people in some relationships don't get to hear "I love you" very much and they need to hear that. The other person thinks their actions are demonstrating how much they love the other, but sometimes people need to hear "I love you".

"I love you" is meaningless though, and empty, when there is no evidence in action to support those words.

Faith without works is dead. Sorry, but faith is good, and prayer is great, but without anything to show for it, it seems, to me, to be like a withering tree without any fruit.

Which makes me think about Veterans for some reason. After people do so much to serve their country, or any group really, I think these people should be properly thanked and supported. They shouldn't have to fight for medical coverage for illness or injuries from war, and they shouldn't be stigmatized for PTSD or anything else and they should be given proper support for re-entry into civilian life so they can pick up with other work and support their families with housing.

I almost thought about joining the ROTC the other day, because I would do weekend work, but I am not in a position to leave my son and go through boot camp. I would do it, if I wasn't interested in visiting my son, but my son is a priority.

Yeah, even with zero public representation. I asked for a public defender and don't even have one, still, and that is supposedly all my fault too, even if it was not. No one wants to hear the whole story in court. They just want to say what they think, always, and then cut me off before I can give an explanation or justify what has happened and how I still deserve public defense and why it didn't work in the past. There were legitimate reasons why it didn't work in the past.

I just see all of this going to appeal and trial. Which wouldn't be fun for anyone, because then I dig out all the evidence which shows my son was improperly taken to begin with.

I took some photos last night, for a photo spoof on me as a nurse. Going into Spy-nursing, but I didn't have the enthusiasm to post anything. Maybe I should do it now for some comic relief. My life seems to be either one huge tragedy or one big cosmic joke. I don't know if God has decided which one it is yet. It's like a Greek comi-tragi.

I sometimes wonder if there are very many people who have similiar disappointments with family. I wish I knew who those people were so we could commiserate together.

On the upside, I met some nice people from France yesterday and talked to them again today. It had me thinking about France and how it would be fun to live there sometime, or to take a long vacation there at least. There are a lot of good things about France. Well, about everywhere. I wouldn't mind visiting all of the different countries. It would be fun.

I also talked with Granny a couple of days ago and she and I are still peas in a pod. I love her. She is also so funny. I forget how witty she is, still, and had some good spontanous laughter there. She comes up with the funniest things to say. She seemed to be doing pretty good too. She looked beautiful and she was up and her memory wasn't so bad, and she was funny. She's a supporter but she just doesn't have much say in "joint" financial affairs. But I still love her to death. I am trying to remember what she said that cracked me up but I can't recall at the moment.

I was working on a photo spoof but I decided it would put out, for some, the wrong message. I was just joking around but some might not understand that. So I am not putting it up. It was to self mock and be light, but I have decided not to add it to my blog and might take down some other things as well.

Basically, I prayed a little bit and thought I should, and then I was thinking about some other things to take care of. I think it's more something I would just share with close friends.

For Shan

Will you please write and let me know what's happened?



Someone Died

Something is wrong.

I feel like someone I love died.

I need to know if anyone I know died, and if someone is withholding this from me. I just feel it's true. I don't have a way to know, except that somehow I know.

For S Who Wrote...

I would need an email address bc I don't want to put info online about it.

My email address is

I don't have the number with me either or I'd call.

BTW, if you know something I should know, please tell me. Thanks.

Saturday, September 12, 2009


Something missing tonight.

I had this really weird dream last night but I don't remember a dream, just the words, "we're both bleeding tonight." That's all I remember.

I feel like I don't know where everyone is. My angels in disguise--and I feel fine, not in danger, or down really, just void.

Sort of a sheet or curtain hanging in the wind feeling. I don't know how to describe it.

Things are fine, but I feel like I don't even know how to pray tonight. I don't know what to pray for, or who, and I don't feel the presence of prayer or whatever. I don't have that strong vibe for praying right now. I just feel sort of lost.

Good things around the corner maybe, but I don't know. A couple of disappointments today.

I don't know what to think. I saw a D.C. protest on t.v. today which looked sort of cool. About spending.

Then I heard a cyndi lauper song that was good, a newer one and I haven't heard her newer stuff.

Last night I felt the strong vibe briefly while I was talking about something, it came up quickly and then that was it.

I feel something is gone. I don't feel sadness, heaviness, or anything, but neither do I have the strong positive feeling.

Yesterday, all day, I did. I could feel a danger vibe and I also felt the very strong positive vibe, especially noticing it in the morning and afternoon.

I don't know why it's not there at all today but I'm stressed out and tired.

Want To Dance, Period Q's, and Nursing

I really feel like dancing tonight. But, not going out. Have a headache still. I would like to know why I started having a normal period all of a sudden after Alvaro left. It makes me wonder if I was being given birth control in my food or something. I know, but it does, because how does one go from never having a normal period and thinking one is in menopause, to having normal ones all of a sudden? Doesn't make sense. I mean, almost a whole year of no period? I was always being given food to eat that I didn't prepare. Somehow, I got pregnant and that was odd, and was the one time I had an almost normal period but I was also eating thing I bought myself around that time. But I still don't get it. Different people I stayed with would have all had to be giving me the same thing and know eachother or about my situation or something.

I feel like I've been The Manchurian Candidate.

Now going to be nurse. lol. I might take my blog down around that time. I don't know if I want sexy nurse to be my MO. I would have to be more...mmmm...professional.

Some Names & Need For Protective Orders

I am seeking peace and I made that clear.

However, I also made it clear that any further attempts to directly harm me or my son would result in the release of some information on individuals who have been a part of, at least, mind games.

Yesterday, I experienced the exact same kind of burning stomach pain and back pain that I experienced in East Wenatchee. I pulled the lithium battery out of my laptop because I noticed this was bad after using the computer yesterday. I don't know why I thought that would make a difference, but with the threats I've received, if someone can cause a laptop to overcharge by connecting with this battery, in case that's true, I pulled it out.

It happened three times yesterday. It would go away and then was so severe I had to stop and ask for medication, OTCs, and it felt like the inside of my stomach lining was burning and there was a very strong pulse or heartbeat, it felt, in my actual stomach. Of course there is no heartbeat in the stomach, but when a part of the body is injured, it reacts by sending more blood to the area or there is a throbbing pulse quality.

I noticed this happened to me at at least three different times yesterday:

1. After picking up a few things from Haven of Hope. I didn't noticed anything while there, but as I was walking to the college, several cars in a row, and individuals passed by and about 2 blocks away from the college, I had such instant pain that I stopped for something to drink and some ibuprofen. This was in the morning. I had only been online in my hotel prior to leaving for Haven of Hope and I noticed no stomach or back pain while I was online in the room. So it happened sometime between Haven of Hope and the college. Then it resolved within two hours.

2. While I was at The Coast Hotel, and I did have the laptop on my lap and was feeling very bad pain so I got up and smoked a cigarette. There were many people in the room, within close proximity, but I don't know. It was extremely severe here and then when I was leaving, I had several people in cars drive by, harassing me, saying "bye, bye!" and then I also noticed one blond man in a white volvo who looked surprised I was walking even and I didn't get a good vibe. He was trying to hide his face from me.

The pain was so severe, my stomach was throbbing and it felt like it was burning inside. My lower back hurt or ached as well. It eliminates an appetite and when I tried to eat something, I felt nauseous.

After this, I wondered if it had anything to do with my laptop or the ability to supercharge my laptop if it wasn't something used that was totally separate. So I pulled the battery out, even though I was turning the computer off, and I packed the parts separately.

3. The third time it happened was while I was online and sitting down at Safeway and a few people approached me. It got bad enough that I had to use the women's restroom and I was clutching my stomach and I could feel a strong throbbing pulse sensation just by putting my hands over my belly. It hurt badly, I felt sick, and I was nauseous. It took about 3 hours to resolve.

A Few Names and Incidents

1. Mike.
The first one I'll start with was last night. A guy named "Mike" who came in, sat down, and deliberately began to harass me and tried to scare me. I have found out Safeway keeps tapes of the cameras for 48 days and I want a protective order against this individual and will have to better identify him.

He came in, sat down next to me, at around 8 p.m. or so, yesterday, which was Friday, Sept. 11, 2009, and then began a string of questions and comments which were intended to specificially intimidate me. I will be more specific:

First he was normal, I thought. I even thought, at first, that he might be slightly disabled mentally. But then as he continued, it was clear he meant to say everything he said. Either he did this alone, or, my feeling was, he was put up to it by someone else but was in on it.

He first told me his name and said it was "Mike". Then he said, "You like McDonald's, don't you?" I said, "Uh-huh" and kept typing on my post about Ireland. Then he said this town was getting big, and that he would bet I liked "Jack in the Box." He just kept talking while I was trying to type. Then he said, "Pretty soon it's going to be winter again you know." Then, "Christmas." He said, "It's going to be Christmas soon." He just said this in a creepy way. Everything was like making a point to him. Then he went on, "You like Christmas?" Then, "You know there will be snow on the ground again." Then something about hiding stuff under the snow. Stuff about, "Do you have good memories of Christmas?" or "You remember what it's like at Christmas?" Then, "Where's your baby?"

I hadn't been talking to him at all. I just let him go on and on as I was typing. Then after he said "Where's your baby" he said, "Look at all the KIDS here!" "Wow. Lots of kids, and kids are cute, huh." He said something about wanting to take me out and he'd take me to McDonalds. I never told him I had a baby and he was just bringing up stuff that made it clear he knew exactly what happened to us around Christmastime and he went on to be intimidating and implied it would be happening again, or wanted me to think about it.

He sat there and intentionally tried to scare and harass me and intimidated me. He didn't leave until some other guy came along and gave him a nod to leave and then he did.

He was shorter, about 5'6", white, with a short and very even almost filed set of teeth, dark blond with rust highlights, pot belly, and wore a white t-shirt and darker pants. His eyes were narrow and he had a small nose. Very round face. At first I sort of thought he was a Down's Syndrome guy but he's not. Sloppily dressed.

I also noticed a long string of other men, whether this is good or bad, walking past and buying a bottle of red wine. Several, and all of them one after the other, getting red wine. Then I saw some of them still in the parking lot later. Don't know what it was about. It wasn't like a group all at once. Just one guy, and then another, and then a couple, and then another, and all of it red wine.

2. Larry from Methow St.
Former neighbor who wrote a good statement for me for court but was the one who told me I'd never make it back to Wenatchee. The one who looked to the side when I asked him about gangs. Has a black, red, and white plane windmill thing in his yard with black crosses on it. Went on and on, returning my questions about gangs with questions about whether I wanted my son back or not. His wife made pork the night I was there and kept telling me to eat it. I didn't have much of an appetite.

It was when I was sitting on his porch that all the guys in blue and white had driven by saluting, before I went to Vancouver.

Larry drove me to Seattle and gave me $40 and looked back at my former Seattle housemate and they smirked at eachother over the $40 gift. It was like the two of them were aware of eachother. Her name is Shannon Borg. She was telling me not to give her a couple shirts I'd worn of guys, back. She said I was wearing her "lucky" shirt. When she turned to go, she did not look like she liked me at all.

3. Pastor of Brethern Baptist in Wenatchee.
Same pastor who brought up ZPE technology in church, and then in private, gave me $100 and said I wouldn't make it back to Wenatchee. I asked why he was saying this and he wouldn't tell me. He just kept saying I wouldn't make it back, and if I did, he'd be surprised and to give him a call if I did. Both he and Larry believed I wouldn't make it back and the impression I got, was that I wouldn't make it back alive. I don't know why either would say this unless they knew something I didn't and I don't know why someone wouldn't tell me why.

4. Some women at Haven of Hope with gang connections (don't know which or why they were hostile to me and tried to cause problems for me--I didn't complain about them even though I could have).
I was only going to bring up Teria and leave the rest behind, but because a few purposefully tried to have me kicked out so I had no place to live, and because I did experience some pain the first night I was there and it was the same thing a male housemate did to me, I am going to mention it.

(will fill this in later, as to what was done)

I have a lot of other things I could write about and people who have a lot more money and a lot of more interesting connections, but I'm not bringing any of it up, about these people who did things too, these mind games, because I am only bringing out a couple of small things, just like I said I would, if I or my son were harmed again. I don't know anything important, but I do know who has played mind games and that might point to other things, like motive for why the mind games are being played to begin with.

I'm done for now.

I want peace and want to move forward.

I don't need to be bullied or harassed or attacked anymore and neither does my son. It's give and take. I am not a doormat and neither is my son. If he isn't anything but getting healthy and secure and not afraid of being hurt, and clear headed and able to go forward himself, it's not good for anyone. My son says he wants to be with his mother and this is who is going to heal him.

No more interference. My son is left alone, and I am left alone, and every effort is made for reunification.

No one going out of their way to keep me from getting work or lying or trying to cause problems with my housing or efforts to get a job.

I am through with this. Peace and I wish you the best in everything and myself too. I think everyone should move forward and prosper and that's it.

I was surprised to find a clinic/hospital in Wenatchee is giving us all a second chance to actually work TOGETHER and in a mutually beneficial way. This is what I hope will happen. I hope other families are able to get ahead in hard times, just as I also want to get ahead and be able to heal my son.

Thanks. That's all I've got to say.