Royal Family Aghast

I got some bad news tonight.

This woman who was a landscaper in Europe, for the English royal family, well, this woman paid me a visit. She bought me some cigarettes ...

Oh, I was going to do a spoof but I don't know if I should. I was cracking up the other night, thinking of a funny scenario, but when I think about writing it out, it doesn't sound as funny. It was really funny last night though. The woman of the house came in and asked what was so funny and I was in the kitchen cracking up. I was making dinner and just laughing, and then I was cleaning and I thought about it and started laughing again.

But when I think about it, it's not in very good taste. I mean, it's so awful it's actually funny. It involves people that literally died, so that's not funny at all. Even if I don't know them. But I had this scene, imagined scene in my mind...that had me undone.

Let me think...Maybe I can write about it...Let me think. I don't know, okay, well this is the thing. Sometimes comedy can be be made of really bad things. I mean, that's how we survive...laughter. I think, sometimes the darkest things, can be turned around and finally you just think about it and have to laugh.

Okay, well, here's my story folks. It's really not a joke.

You see, the English family knows all about me folks. Oh yeeeaaah. If you want some hard evidence, go to the royal website. Look at who is smiling from the balcony.

Yep. The queen and king Edward and do you see what colors they're wearing? Red and green. That's right. And, I found out, they coordinated their outfits just for me. And not just any red and green. I mean, this was like that bright flash of red and green I saw the other night and then I go to the royal website and who is laughing her you-know-what off from the balcony? Queen Elizabeth. She wore all green and Edward wore all red. I was supposed to be there, and got an invitation but it was sort of in your face. William was instructed to ditch me, I heard, and hang onto Kate for dear life, and I was supposed to be at the bottom of the balcony in a reverse Romeo and Juliet scene.

Just kidding. I never got the invite. But I heard, from one of the security guards, that they joked about it. Can you imagine? I found out no one liked me so much after I put up my scandalous french trashy tank photos. AND, someone TOLD Liz what kind of rubber ducky I would have in MY bath.

All of England knows she had a rubber ducky with an inflatable crown. Well, I'm not going to tell you what was inflating on MY rubber ducky...

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The rubber ducky. My crown on my ducky stayed put. It was the DUCK that did the inflating and deflating. I guess you could call it a rubber crown with an inflatable duck.

This was seen as sort of usurping Liz's authority. You know, I was just kidding around, but that kind of thing gets back. Believe me.

So anyway, there was other kinds of drama. Will liked me but Harry saw me first. And what Harry sees, Harry wants. Well, what Harry wants, Harry gets. Who do YOU think wins in a arm wrestling contest? Will wins with karate kicks.

So anyway, there was all this fighting over me, which was kept a big secret and then the Queen found out and flipped.

She didn't find out until it was a little late though. She found out when I was writing about red & fish on the baby bridge. She called them inside her office, and made them sit down.

Her eyes were WIDE open and she was so flustered, she tried taking her glasses down and then she remembered they were on that string. So she took them off her head altogether and said, "BOYS."

(yeah, she still calls them boys)

So they knew right then and there. She continued, calmly, but with a nervous laugh which was quickly covered with a swig of gin. She cleared her throat (so I heard) and said again, pointing to my blog, what is THIS???

"WHO is this" came next.

Harry was as pink as his shirt. Harry always wears pink before he goes into her office for a formal talk and Will always wears blue, so she can tell them apart. Without her glasses, you know. It's not that Harry was supposed to be a girl or anything. Pink suits his complexion better, and like I said, it's just about telling them apart. Okay, I digress. So, anyway, being like a fish out of water, Will was a little blue. A little blue in the face. He was holding his breath actually and Granny told them to breathe and start talking.

They're both usually very articulate but they didn't know what to say. "Uhh. Who?" They tried to play dumb but Granny is very smart. She may not see as well as she used to, but believe me, she's...like, whipper-snapper smart.

Elizabeth wanted the scoop, but you know, she's a practical woman too and very direct. She cut right to the chase. "Will, did you impregnate some AMERICAN woman?"
Harry almost fell out of his chair, and started coughing. What is this about Billy-the-fish and who is RED? this frumpet?!

Harry got defensive and stood up. "She's not a frumpet! She's fun. You'd like her Granny." Granny responded with one raised eyebrow.

(by the way, frumpet is a cross between a crumpet and a frump. It's just an English saying.)

Granny continued, "Harry, tell me something. How would you know if she's 'fun'?" Harry mumbled he'd just overheard some things.

Granny was stuck on the fish and red on the baby bridge. She went back to it. "THIS is what I'm interested in," she said. "Some American woman thinks people are trying to kill her and send messages to her because of some "tryst" with William."

"Oh Granny," Harry said. Harry was doing all the talking and Will didn't know what to say. Granny had another thought. "Who is Mr. Wooley?" Granny started asking a lot of questions and then she said she believed them. But when they left her office, Granny started doing some research.

The heat was on.

Granny was digging through all the records, to find out when and where Will and Harry were and what they were up to.

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Anyway, I had a funnier scenario in my mind when I was cracking up while making dinner. I cracked up laughing thinking about what their expressions would be if they read my blog and believed it at all, and what kind of American nut was dramatizing every event in her life, believing it was about Harry and Will. So I started thinking about a spoof but it's not very funny. In fact, I don't know that it's very good to make mention of something so serious in a funny way. It's really not funny but I'm stressed out!

So I was telling this other guy I might write a whole book on a Da Vinci version of my flame and history and how the whole kingdom got this idea that some nutcase American woman had secured a place in one of the royal's hearts. Oh, and some was on the idea that "X" is really for "Chris" not "10", because X is used to replace Christ for Christmas: Xmas. Chris is the secret weapon--He is a twin of Harry's and was whisked away to the States to grow up undetected. That's the big national security matter.

And then I was going to have them all giving up the throne to farm. But Will wants to act, so he goes to California and gets a new nickname, as he comes in with hayseed in his pockets. They give him the nickname: The Beverly Hill-Billy. I don't know what Harry does. I think he paints. I said they all quit the throne and open an art gallery. Will is curator, Kate too, and Charles and Harry paint, but I then decided that wasn't becoming, to advertise one's own art after being royal. Sort of selling oneself. They have an art museum and they work the land and act and dance. Charles dances like--you have no idea. He's not so stiff when he thinks no one is looking. He's very limber too. He puts on a very good comic act when he wants to as well. He knows how to jig. And Margaret, Princess Margaret loves violets. She insisted on having a canopy bed when she was a little girl, even though she already knew she was a Princess.

Prince Charles had a very brief interest in me TOO, but that was toOtally under wraps and he realized it was just some innocent fascination with my some personality traits I had in common with Diana. He loves Camilla, but then Camilla found out and asked him what was going on.

Harry's ex, well, she was so brokenhearted, Chelsey, that she made a public point with his interest in me. She had her eyes all black underneath from crying and stepped out wearing a HUGE Cameo piece of jewelry at her neck. Yeah, like I didn't miss THAT. I took ONE look and thought, "OH NO SHE KNOWS!" yeah, and imagine. For a frumpet like me.

Cheers. I thought she did really well, considering. I mean, I was thoroughly impressed.

1. Get photographed looking really sad and then,
2. Switch it up. Get photographed looking like you're having a grand time, drink in hand, and make him jealous and want her back.

I love you deeply and you hurt me and then "I'm having SO more more fun without you." I learned some really good things from Chelsea.

In the end scene, we're all pulling horses through the meadow and trying to get along.
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uh oh, getting the sad vibe. How do I make this funny again?

Everyone needs to laugh more. I told Alvaro once, "Who do you think I'd be better with? Prince Harry or Prince William?" Alvaro stared at me and said, firmly, shocked and then standing straight and staring me down, he said, "Prince ALVARO."

I still remember exactly where he was standing, and what he looked like when he said this. It was AL FINITE!

Anyway, I knew I was a Princess after I tried to sleep on a crappy sofa bed. My back was fine and then I slept on that bed and had to go to the ER. I knew there had to be a pea in that couch or something. It was like, "What tha...???" I was FINE on a normal mattress. But I had to be rushed to ER on a subpar mattress and then I knew it. "I KNEW it!" i said to msyelf, "I AM a PRINCESS!" and then I understood.

Anyway, when the Royal Courts lost me, they lost the next Fergie-in-House. I guess they decided one rambunctious redhead was enough.

I wouldn't get caught sucking on toes though. Oh, but she and I would TEAR up the town, er, courtyards. I think they really missed out. They really missed out on me. I could have brought a whole new kind of energy to the crew. Ah, c'est la vie.

So it all went down, and in the end, the King and Queen celebrate their good fortune in red and green. I don't think everyone is happy about it though. There were a few votes that weren't heard.

My father told me, "I believe you will raise people from the dead." I think Fr. Joachim would laugh and say "Yeah, from their graves." I want to raise people up, sure. I want to raise Hell, well once did I guess, which is sort of the same thing as raising people from the dead maybe. Who knows, maybe someone will be able to get enough courage to start over and lead a new life, like one from the dead. Maybe someone will have a second chance at life.

I do have a soulmate. Sure. And he knows who he is and hasn't told me yet. So I'm with the sistahs until he gets up the nerve to figure out what he wants. Granny wanted one of her daughters to name their kids "Valiant" like from Prince Valiant. Wouldn't that be tacky?

Anyway, Harry and I were going to stage a little drama at that last royal function, but he had his military duties and everything.

So anyway, Bainbridge and Seattle. Humph. Yeah. THAT was being fun. Um...I don't want to be a Princess unless I get bodyguards. So anyway, everyone over there was smoking cigarettes with the label "kings".
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I don't need a king or a prince. I just want someone who loves me who I can trust and have fun with. Who cares about the rest. That's what everyone wants.
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