Peace and My Son

I am so caught up with getting things together, I forgot about my appointment with my son this morning. I was trying to work on getting some things together and in the process of doing THIS, for my son, I forgot about my appointment.

I wrote to my family. I have thought about my goals and what I would like and I realize my goals are simple. I want my innocence back and I want my son's innocence to be preserved. That's a tall order. Aside from that, all I want is to do good for everyone and anyone, no matter who they are. I would like to work for the UN or a peacekeeping organization or something. I haven't been good at this in my own life, but I want to turn it around. I want to be like justice, or lady justice, where she doesn't see who is who and just gives mercy or justice or grace, freely and with open heart.

I don't know how to do this, how to "love all, serve all" like some kind of hard rock cafe slogan, but I want to keep simple things in mind and keep a simple faith with my spirituality, and to be fair to all and I just want a fair chance from anyone else.

If I have to be single all my life to avoid conflict or distraction from my son, I will take this. I don't want to be isolated, or to be an outcast, but just free to be good. I want to be able to have lunch with someone anywhere in the world and have others know I'm not a spy or that I prefer someone to another. I would like to be a sort of diplomat but then I would have to have a country to be a diplomat for them, but I guess, on a very small level, I'd like to be like ? I don't know.

I would like to have a chance from everyone, to be free from whatever issues I may have had and I would like to show how I am trying. I also believe others should be free to love whom they love, and make decisions for their lives based on what is good for them or based on sincere love, no matter where they come from or who they are.

I would like to somehow find a way to be welcome in this town, no matter who I'm talking to, and to be included in a variety of things. I am not brave enough to do anything except to stand alone and then maybe sometime stand with someone else who feels the same. I want my son to be free to make decisions based on his heart and mind and not the dictates of others' or out of fear.

Perfect love casts out fear. This is what I want for my life, to have a more perfect love for others and for myself as well. This song by Paris Hilton sort of hits home for me, I want to have blind love, if it is possible. If it is possible, I want love from all and I want to be that kind of love. I don't know if it is possible, what I want. I don't know, if it is possible to make eveyone happy and to be happy too, and to, one minute, embrace one thing and then the embrace the other, but I just would like to know if maybe sometimes, you don't have to choose and don't have to reject or be rejected by trying to choose all. I don't want to reject anyone, nor do I want to be rejected. If it is possible, I would like to openly embrace everyone. If I can. If I can, whether someone is poor or rich, or old or young, or black or white, or inbetween, or from one place or the other, I would like to be able to somehow have peace but also have a better peace. Not an isolation, as I've created for myself, or a rejection, as I've created for myself, or problems as I've created for myself. Somehow, I would like to have a free will and be able to be complete in myself and directly to a higher power that I understand on my own, that is very real to me, which is sincere. It seems like this should be the easiest thing, but often it's not. It seems like sometimes, one needs to take a side or a stance and countries war, and yet I would somehow like to be able to resolve conflict of my own life and of others, through love. It is my heartfelt wish. If it is wrong, I don't know what to do.

My eyes were recently opened, maybe a couple days ago, to issues I created for myself, but I didn't totally understand what I was doing. Please forgive me, for I didn't know what I was doing. Not Father forgive them, but forgive me.

I am going to delete my whole blog and start a new one. I thought I knew how to delete only one little post at a time but I'm going to find out if I can delete the whole thing and then start over.