Clarified, and Colombia & Canada (Fish and Crash)

Anyway, I just wrote a lot of stuff and it wasn't true. I'll write out what I really "saw" last night.

The other stuff I wrote was made up, but I have something I wrote last night which described what I actually saw last night. It wasn't anything except something about the heart of Mary.

I saved it last night while still in Safeway. I wrote it and saved it and I'll post it here. The only thing that I got which was weird, was heart palpitations and then something about a heart but I don't know if it's accurate or not. I'll copy and paste what I wrote last night, here:

"Tonight I saw a flash of the immaculate heart of Mary but I think it’s because I was reading this today. I didn’t blog about it bc it would sound like I made it up or too weird.

I saw a lot of people encouraging me today and different colors for whatever reason. I noticed blue because of Mary, and then I also noticed a TON of purple and yellow. I think purple and yellow are also maybe Mary colors."

"and I had that flash of Mary’s heart. It wasn’t the way it is in photos totally, so I wondered at first. I could see roses, which made me think about the roses from this boy I mentioned earlier tonight so at first I thought it was just about that. But it was more of a golden aura sort of thing and then I saw the fire again. The MOST bizarre thing was that in the photos, the fire is grouped together in the same way I saw when I saw just fire the other night. It looked exactly the same. I mean, the shape or something of the blaze. I saw nothing else except fire the other night, but tonight, about 15 minutes ago or so, I was lying in bed and everyone was sleeping and I couldn’t sleep. All of a sudden, all I could see was this flash of light and roses and then right after that, a HEART with fire around it. I almost didn’t believe it bc I saw pictures today and already know what it looks like and then the roses I thought might be from my imagination bc I talked about the boy who gave me roses tonight. Today was the first day I said one small prayer to Mary. I don’t know why, but just in case, or to see if it meant anything. I think this had something to do with the strong vibe I got. I don’t think it’s really a “vision” but an image like I’ve always called these things, but I don’t know. I wasn’t thinking about hearts and Mary tonight."

"I think it was kind of a Mary day today though. I think there must be a TON, well, a few catholics in town because they were all wearing blue, not like gang color blue but different, and then also purple and yellow. I noticed a few pink and green too, which made me think about roses. Maybe I just had roses on the brain today. I don’t know why I notice colors. I had a couple of nods and one person thanked me for writing about Mary. He said, “thank you” and I think he was a monk or religious man. I’ve known a few in my life, and that guy I just “knew” was religious.

I also noticed, actually, a lot of black and white and some red today. Everyone was pretty much friendly. I didn’t get a bad vibe from anybody wearing any of the colors."

"I am seriously starting to think my soul mate is jesus. Which is maybe odd, but I thought about it and the thing is, the verse “I am my beloveds and my beloved’s is mine” kept coming to mind. I know that this phrase is a VOW taken by nuns or sisters before they accept their post or whatever. Because they have a wedding or something and they QUOTE this exact verse. So that freaked me out but it did come to mind. The other verse that came to mind was one about, “He leads me beside the still waters and restores my soul” and I thought about this in how I got depressed today after I left this one place and was walking back and didn’t have a job. I mean, I sort of do, but I also don’t. So I got depressed about not working today and having to walk back to the house like that. I blogged about it. Then I got to safeway and I blogged that I had a good vibe but I got really depressed about the stupid computer games, even though I joked and laughed and played it off. I felt the strong good vibe only after I prayed to Mary about what this was all about. I felt the strong vibe for a long time, and just knew it was the prayer and the prayers of others. I looked at the time and realized it is the time for prayer for many monks at monasteries but I don’t know about nuns, if they have the same schedule. Otherwise, I felt nothing. I didn’t feel any kind of connection to anyone, not while conversing with people online either. It was just after I prayed to Mary for the first time and that was it."

"There is no one for me and I’ve never met my real soul mate. I know for a fact that the good vibe comes with prayer and that’s it and the bad vibe is probably just depression from not working today."
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That is all cut and paste from yesterday. I wrote it earlier last night.

Anyway, I guess I like to mix things up a little bit, because not everything I have ever written has always been meant to be taken seriously. I told my ex this and he always knew that I was telling the truth. So he never took it seriously and he also knew I wasn't nuts. He just thought I needed my son.

A few others know, too. But that's what I don't like. I don't like it when people think every single thing I write should be like the Bible or an absolute reflection of who I am or what I do.

Sorry. But what else am I supposed to tell the counselor when she asks?

I've already tried to explain that my blog is a mix of things but some people take it totally serious, like I mean every single thing I write. The one thing I will swear is true is that I did see the fire thing and then I did see the Mary thing. But I don't know if the mary heart is a figment of my imagination. It might be. Because why I don't know is that I saw a photo earlier.
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Anyway, I was thinking about some things and I miss the culture of Colombia a lot. I miss how they are so polite, well-mannered, and their children are all the same way. I wrote something and then erased it because I don't know how to say it right.

I think I am to never marry maybe. I think that's what held me back, but I also know that I miss the Colombians and was just thinking about it this morning.

I was thinking, I didn't have weird stuff except music stuff going on there. No one harassed me or was mean although I know nothing was perfect. They were sophisticated, all of them.

Alvaro believed in me, and said so. He thought there was nothing wrong with me except that I didn't have my son.

I remember thinking it would be good for my son to be raised in the manner they raise their children. In general, as a whole group, I think about them and miss being in their company. I don't know this is my destiny, but I do miss many things.

But I don't miss Alvaro in the sense that I think he's my soulmate. I don't think I have one. I don't miss anyone in that way at all. I just know I've cared about all my exes and then never felt there was one in particular that I should marry.

I felt it was more like I was supposed to just go on and try to do things on my own. So this is why I think and wonder if I am just supposed to be single forever and celibate and try something totally different.

For whatever reason, the Colombians came to mind this morning and I realized I really missed their company. I didn't know that I should be with Alvaro, but I know that I thought about where I was in life and how warm and affectionate they were, with open arms, and I missed the parties and dances and things. I saw myself in that culture far more than my own even. I was bored with regular and they liked doing things I like to do. But when I thought about actual marriage, I got cold feet just because I thought there might be something else for me, like, who knows, single forever.

The thing is, I felt very safe with them. No harm came to me although some things were different. I felt they looked out for me. Very reliable too, from all I could see. I just miss this.

When I was saying a list of names the other day Joanna came to mind and I think this is a really important woman. I think there was a Joanna who was from Colombia but I can't remember. I just know it was important for some reason. So I lifted her up for prayer and blessing. I really cannot remember who Joanna was though. I feel like I met her but no face came to mind.

I had a lot of names come to mind, but the one which stood out over and over was Joanna.
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good prayer vibe right now, very strong. almost 2:00 p.m. PST. It was very strong while I was on the computer yesterday too. I think it was because I had just prayed but it was strong. I was depressed and then not but I'd prayed and nothing alters this...not music, not conversation...if it's real, nothing touches or changes it and it's not a mood. It's a state of feeling overwhelmed with prayer or love and I think it's picking up on prayer.

For a short moment, I felt like something just lifted. Like there was a lot of danger and something very serious and then it just lifted.

And then, a short while later, I began to feel the strong prayer vibe.

I don't know, it sounds weird but who cares.

I am sort of playing with the blog thing today. It's "Choose Your Own Adventure Day".

Which means, except for the marian image I had, anything and everything I write is just a test. Oh, and the vibe is true too. I also am serious about missing the colombians because I do. They had good manners. That may sound odd, but it is true. Very gentile but still rough enough around the corners to have fun with. There wasn't a lot of pretense when it came to having fun at a party. They just wanted everyone to have a good time and there were no judgement calls. And young or old, it didn't matter what your age was, if you liked music, you could dance. The women, in general, were also warm. There didn't seem to be as much cattiness for some reason. Women tolerated eachother and weren't jealous if another one was prettier or thinner. It didn't matter. Fat was beautiful, thin was beautiful--there was a larger norm. You didn't have to be blond, blue-eyed, skinny, with huge boobs. It wasn't one size fits all.

But again, I'm not saying that this is where I'm meant to be. I think it wasn't my course for whatever reason. If I ever found out anyone in government was involved in that whole thing, I would say I should be paid for my time. I remember being very pissed one night when Alvaro said, "So, at least you can say it was a good experience?" I looked at him, glowering and said, "NO. No, I wouldn't say this was just some kind of 'good experience'. I would call this a hump and dump if you ask me." We were at the drugstore and he's trying to be chipper and I don't know how he managed chipper when we were there for the 50th time to get my medications for my ongoing physical problems. He was all up and trying to make the most of the situation as I'm no fun and in pain and just waiting around for the pharmacist to fill my meds while he's staring at that beeyatch country singer who is so beautiful. Taylor whatshername. I noticed. "You think she's pretty?" and he said, "I don't know." He was staring at Taylor more than the other magazine cover so I was noticing. He was really working the "So you had fun right? Good experience right?" angle of things with me and I didn't like it. Trying to get off too easy I think. All he meant by experience was that he'd introduced me to a lot of new things. The loving part was different. I should write about some of our conversations--they were pretty funny, some of them.

I was thinking about not marrying right away so that was back East and that was the contention. But then I decided I would,, but I got cold feet because I didn't know for sure if I was to ever marry anyone at all. I just thought I was supposed to be single.
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I would like to know why I keep getting the freaky messages at the DSHS offices. Maple leaf paper napkins positioned next to a Jack-o-lantern card and then a card with 3 spades of diamonds. That jack o lantern and sleepy hollow stuff has been used on me for a long time. I kept seeing stuff about 3 lately too and I had one person imply it was lives or votes with a particular group or something. So someone left two cards, one with jack o lantern and another with 3 diamonds and put the maple leaf paper napkins right above it. That was on Monday. Then, on Wednesday, someone put a message with maple leaf paper napkins above the chair and had a truck turned over, like an accident. Always, it was the maple leaf paper towels above the intended message. I didn't know if it was a message from Canada, about impending danger, or a warning from Canada, to be on the look out for something to happen, or if someone was just trying to mess with me.

But first, it was three yellow diamonds on a "3" card. Then, it was a yellow truck that was turned over, implying an accident or collision.

What I thought was sort of odd is how my name has been associated with "Red" over here and then there have been TONS of references to "fish" implying some man in particular. I don't know who. But then all of a sudden, there is this semi truck crash on the Beebe bridge and it's boxes of Red Delicious in trout fish boxes.

It freaked me out.

WHO is "fish"? and why am I "red"? and WHY would that crash occur on the "bebe" bridge KILLING SOMEONE, and why would someone want to get this message out to so many people?

Who the HELL is "fish" supposed to be? Billy the fish?! and who is billy the fish supposed to be? the only one i've ever heard of is prince william, that this is nickname for him.

I have people ALL OVER town, referring to me as "Red" and using symbolic things or names with "red" in it, to refer to ME. Then, there's been a big FISH theme, with people joking about fish this and fish that, and something's fishy and then top secret stuff, with songs like "the billy bounce" so I've heard billy and fish referred to in the same sentences.

Then a big truck crash on front page news, intended perhaps for front page news, with...actually, we don't know that anyone died, do we?

All we know is that one woman survived and the other guy can't be found. If the guy can't be found, he could be faking his own death or trying to disappear, or purposefully caused this accident to get a message out.

I have never thought Prince William is in on this. Believe me. I don't even know a William or a Billy except my cousin Billy and I haven't seen Will Wagler for years, at least a decade. I don't think Prince William, were he trying to help...I don't think he'd, I don't know.

But if he did, it would explain why a lot of people from England, Scotland, and other European countries were interested in me on the East Coast and also later. It would also explain why some seemed to not like me. And all the private dances that seemed to be tailored to me, and then music and other things which were so secretive. It would also be maybe one thing some people from a lot of countries wouldn't like perhaps. Might even want to kill me over because I was confused about why so many international people were interested in me. Some wanted me dead. It's sort of the only thing I can imagine anyone might kill me over but that doesn't make any sense at all.

I still don't know who "fish" is supposed to be, but I think that collision was intended to be a message. I even recognized the name of kathleen walker but I don't where from. I can't remember. And then her partner hasn't been found which may mean he didn't die and is in hiding but tried to put out a big message on purpose.

I had my own problems first sure, but maybe someone is trying to punish someone they think was trying to help me, or they're trying to "get to" someone who goes by "fish".

No one is ever going to find that passenger. Mark my words.

"red" and "fish" on the baby bridge. yeah, point taken. and noted, the guy who is missing had the last name "wooley" which is a total coincidence i know but it made me think about my poem about the empressario, and how i wrote that i didn't want to "pull wool to make something out of it" (correar) but that my destiny was to sing. if i were wooley, and not in on it, i would get the hell OUT too!

i would bet good money they will NEVER find wooley.

But I think a group with a lot of money has been into a major mind game.

So yeah, sounds nuts, but some people know I'm not.