About The Sacred Heart & Other Ideas

It was a very strange day yesterday. That night, I looked up sacred heart and anything associated with it in the short timespan that I had. I also looked up visions of fire associated with it, out of curiosity.

I found a lot of stuff actually.

I didn't have any images last night. I felt enlightened and yet very sad at the same time. I didn't have anything, but just paced a little bit.

I walked out today and felt sadness. But peace too. The only image that came to my mind was when I was walking this morning, I saw myself, in my mind's eye, put my hand out, palm forward, like I was pressing to a wall or to glass. I don't know where it came from, but maybe I was reaching out to God or to the wall. Some kind of wall.

Yet there is a calm. I think I am being called to something and I need to do a lot of praying about it and thinking.

Yesterday, I was in a situation where I just kept my mouth shut for a long time. I felt there was a crown of thorns pushed onto my head.

I am turning in some work stuff and have interviews today.

Last night I was thinking, I have wondered who it is who loves me most, who would die for me. Last night I realized, even if there was ever anyone in my life who would do this, I don't want that. Why would I want this? I thought to myself, it is Jesus who died for me. I don't need a greater love than that. I don't want those I love, or who love me, male or female, to have to do what Christ already did for me. I have no idea why this idea came to my mind last night, but I just thought about it and realized it is wrong to say something like this.

When I was a little girl, I didn't want to see my brother being spanked. So I told my parents I wanted to take it for him. They let me, and I did. I took my brother's spanking. Which seems really noble, but really, what could have been even more noble, is for my parents to have decided no one should suffer and that the discipline or punishment should be removed altogether. No blame to my parents! lol. But it's sort of true. It is one thing to take someone else's punishment and then it's another thing for the punisher to just dispense grace altogether, for everyone.

I still remember that spanking too. It wasn't like I got a break. It hurt. I remember crying before I ever took it though, and it hurt me just as much to think about my brother being spanked.

I can't say I did that all the time. But again, I think the greater grace is when the entire thing is lifted and no one suffers.

But anyway, that's a thought that came to my mind last night, when I was thinking about the sacred heart.

I feel, today, a peace. I feel a little sadness but also a good energy and I just feel peace. I'm glad I figured out the vibe thing, because that was almost driving me nuts. I sort of want to know a little more about the Catholic faith, just out of curiosity, because some of the other, I don't know, I don't find as much in common in some ways, at least with the stuff about visions or images or whatever you want to call it.

I had another thought, I saw a lot of people praying on their knees, in a temple or synogue, hands down and then up and then down and then up. Just a flash of this but I don't know what group does this. I think it's maybe both Jewish and Muslim.

At any rate, I really KNOW, in my heart of hearts, that this vibe which I have even today, is prayer, and I know that I am right where I need to be and that all circumstances are where they should be.

I know that there isn't anyone for me, from my past, and that I have confused this with what my future holds, and that is to really consider something maybe totally different, which is different from anything I've formerly done.

I feel a peace and I feel I need to look into the Catholic faith more.

Last night, I asked this woman in my room, who is Catholic, about the sacred heart. She told me that it actually applies not just to Jesus but also to Mary. So then I thought I should look this up too. I sort of read a few things about it last night but this other woman was the one to explain a little more. She said it's complicated but I'm particularly interested in this whole idea.

I can't really SEE myself as a nun really. I think sisters are different though. And I still don't remember what an oblate is.

There isn't anyone I really want to be with right now. And I think too, that it's not for my future possibly. I've been celibate before and it's not a problem for me.

What was so bizarre, was that guy with the hat last night. That still cracks me up. "God Answers Prayer." hahaa. I mean, it was random. I wasn't even sitting there more than 5 minutes. It had to be less even, and he just comes walking by.

Well I guess I should thank all of these different groups of people who have been praying for me. I will pray more too!