I Was Wrong, Family Praying Instead--Prayer Vibe

Well I have deleted the last post because I was wrong about something.

It wasn't that anyone left. I thought maybe someone was close to me, in proximity, and then left, and that this is what I was sensing, but I was wrong.

So I am just an idiot.

I didn't see anyone from my past lately, or haven't at least, but I thought I "knew" something or was picking up on something but I found out it was my family praying for me.

I was RIGHT about the "vibe" but I was totally wrong about the source. It was my frickin' family.

I think now, that it is time I consider celibacy and maybe even becoming a sister. I am pretty much not even joking.

I started thinking, if this vibe is all about prayer, and I've had it my whole life, before I ever met anyone I've known in the last many years, I think it's a prayer vibe.

I feel it when I am praying for others and I feel it when others are praying for ME.

I felt it right after I gave names to pray for, friends, and it happened right as I bowed my head to pray.

I think it is the holy spirit but that sounds a little strange to some.

So I think, really, I want no one back and no one is here anyway, so I think that's a sign.

I used to pray for hours at a time and I would feel this way. And it does come and go and has nothing to do with music or people or even circumstances. It's just prayer.

I don't know. Now I'm confused because I thought it had something to do with someone I might know, or know in the future, but I guess it might not. I never felt this "vibe" when I was with anyone in particular, so I think it's just that it's prayer all by itself, to God.

So then I wonder if I'm supposed to be a nun again, which sounds nuts but it wasn't nuts to me at one time in my life. At one time, I was seriously contemplating it and I'm not even joking.

I used to pray so much and wished there was a church open for me to pray at all the time and I wondered why most Protestant churches didn't have churches open for this. So I just prayed at home. I just read the Bible at home and prayed for people, and of course I wasn't perfect or holy but I didn't do half the stuff I've done since. I followed a pretty strict moral code for myself.

I am seriously wondering if this is something that I am being called to, and if this has anything to do with the fire that I saw the other night, because I was reading a book about prayer and then I just saw this fire, and it reminded me of the fire from the sacred heart of Jesus.

I once asked Fr. Joachim about it and he said no, he said at best I would be a good oblate and not really a nun because he thought I was too "lively". I can't really see myself as a nun because I have a hard enough time with the community house stuff.

But I don't remember what being an oblate is. I think it's sort of like being a sister except you don't live in community housing. I can't remember exactly.

My family would flip, probably. I don't think they'd care so much, except that they've wanted me to be married for so long. But I felt I couldn't marry my ex for some reason--something was holding me back, and maybe that's it. Maybe it's that I'm never supposed to be married.

The only thing is, I still want my son. I still want to have him in my care and I don't even think sisters do that. And I'm not Catholic right now, and I'm not even Mormon, though I was thinking about going to the Mormon church on Sunday to meet some other women who I could have things in common with. This woman asked me who I was talking to the other day and it was a guy, about getting together to meet some more women in the area, to do creative things with because it's hard to break into this town.

It might sound VERY strange to a lot of people, but it's not totally off the wall for me. It's not like I've never thought of it before, and I also told the monks, that when I was 11 or 12, I remember saying to myself, or thinking in my heart:

"I'm never getting married." I don't know why I felt this, but I felt like I knew it. I never forgot it either. I always wondered why I felt this or somehow knew this.

I also have been wondering what the "vibe" is about and I think it has to do with prayer. It couldn't be about some man in particular if I had this when I was younger. That doesn't really add up. I am starting to think if I notice it when I am praying, then maybe the other times are just notice when other people are praying for ME. And for some reason I've been thinking maybe there were sisters praying for me. I have no idea where this came from. I wasn't thinking about it myself, but it kept coming to my mind.

This is totally HILARIOUS--this guy just walked by and I asked him what his hat said and it said, "G.A.P." "God Answers Prayers". HHHAAAAHhhhaaaaaaa. I am totally not kidding. He just walked by with a dog on his shoulders. Then he said to me, "Are you guys closed?" I said, "I don't even work here" (I'm outside using wifi because I thought this was important enough to note).

How totally bizarre. God Answers Prayers. I am NOT LYING. I wish everyone could track this guy down to believe me. I will tell you which way to look--he went torwards Mission. Oh wait, it's Miller.

I think it might be some kind of weird sign. That was totally bizarre. After he left, I started to laugh. I feel like, how in the world did this guy just so happen to appear out of the blue, at this very moment, with THAT hat on?

That was really, really, strange. I think I have some praying to do tonight.

I don't get it. But I sort of think that maybe there is something there. I mean, that's so random, that right as I'm writing this post, and thinking about being a sister or something, this guy walks by with that hat on.

I don't know what to say to that. Except that maybe I've been wrong about a lot of things and I need to pray even more to figure this out.

It's kind of weird because of the sacred heart of Jesus images I've had lately and then that fire image. That's totally new to me. There was nothing in the fire though, and no heart around it or anything. It just looked like fire but it made me think about the sacred heart after it flashed in front of me. As to who that guy was, he looked a lot like this guy at the Safeway today but I don't know who he is.

I feel sort of embarrassed now. Like, ashamed or humbled or humiliated. If all this time I was thinking it was a guy and then I find out it's about being a sister, I am totally humiliated and ashamed. I think I need to look up more about the sacred heart of Christ stuff because for some reason, I think it applies to me in some way. Fr. Joachim used to say I was like Teresa of ______, can't remember...and then Br. Ansgar said like Aristotle at one point. My logic, said Ansgar. I can't remember, but a couple of monastic orders were mentioned but I don't know if they had anything to do with sacred heart stuff.