Tuesday, March 31, 2009

images of delusion

all's fair in love & war

yellow pollen to clean off the sink
sank ship sunk battle man down drank bottle
bummed out bent backwards for game sum
game theory, game theory, history won
no mas este mujere por mi
prefiero otra
sin problemas mentales, con administrative mind
checking on me, the psychologist and the spies
to be sure the motel was not in d.c.
checking because schedules change
were favoring the one in blue camisa
with brunette hair
the lilies were fragrant and red like the tide
but i am a tsunami and wrecked the town crier
with all the game pieces on the board
this monopoly is one i will never make or marry
this man is so angry with me
never loved and hated me so much
all at once, and all at once, the skyscraper dissolved
into ashes and water
tearing the clothing from your body
moving onto better things where mystery is unnecessary
caregivers ask for their sleeve back
what you ask of me is impossible
to be a seeing eye dog
for my own blind eyes
a seeing eye dog for myself
so you punish me
knowing i can see everything
except myself and my own heart and what i need
knowing i know who you have turned to
when the tide overcame you
and you said,
no mas
it is through
knowing i see the g-string around your finger
waving it in front of me
shooting it out to hit me between the eyes
david's slingshot
for a mammoth daughter of goliath
that "wild thing"
that fucking red crazy bipolar maddening true and clean
wild, wild, thing
where the red fern grows
creeping onto everything but sprayed down with the
weed killer
for once! and for all!
watch me now
watch me kiss her lips and eyes, holding thighs to me
all the king's horses and all the king's men
couldn't put this one
together again
they are watching, making sure there is no slippery slope
checking up on the room keys, the location, and
she was running into the cafe
to see if i was meeting with you
i wish i didn't have eyes to see
or hear or smell or taste
i wish vladimir liked me so much
he would tell you not to put good things to waste
this economy could be saved
without a cut or scrape
of course i should not be expected to believe
everything i read, whether it's your fucking tea leaves
or your stories in magazines
how can i be expected to know what to think
when i get filtered cigarette shrinks
messages with wings
hit lists, shit lists, black lists
and nothing inbetween that says
anything more than
i remember you
rest in peace
no one could even whisper the truth to me
be so good to tell me
but i know when the feeling is gone
when there is a sudden peace
when i realize i didn't want peace
only war because i could never see you bleeding for me
couldn't handle the bits and pieces
they sent to me in boxes


bargaining with the devil
trading cards over gin
spinning the top and hitting the curb
over and over and over again
driving onto the concrete strip
landing straight into the sign
that says "yield"
as another says "merge"

why are so many people checking my memory?
wjy do i have police and shrinks and others
who care so much about my fucking memory?
it makes me wonder, and what should i think?
so many neurologists too, who have been to see me
since i first arrived in d.c.
thinking i am a wonder and i am wondering how they know
i am so wonderful
what does the department of defense know
that i do not know?
i never got a medal for my bravery
for what i went through from one country to the next

i want to be safe, i want to be...
i jumped and next thing i know they're saying my luggage
is going back, and then i'm told to "get in" by two men
scared of the boogeyman and the rain man and sane man too
ummm, stepped forward with a toe
to test the water and woe upon woe is me
one foot on de sand, one foot on de sho
losing me leg! i be losing me leg!
women with wooden legs have it so easy i sometimes think
to take one off and gift to the sea
take the other off and plant in the jelly sand
hand it over to me says the man on the driftwood
i need this says one standing thigh deep
one has such a literacy with music
i am dumb to speak
splitting chinese
pull at my feet as i take a moment to think

i hear sade and turn
billie jean and turn
i need gold and silver
silver and gold
studs on the denim foam
washing machine
beetles! beetle juice, where have you been?
jewel scarabs and seething teeth
sinking deep eating up the mushroom meat

i need a subliminal dream
tonight, i need a subliminal dream
keeping it on the key
keeping it on the key
to the basement where i've hidden a few things
to the cupboard and the hope chest where the
bumblebees are saved
preserved for posterity
sweet dreams sweet

good night
night dreams
please don't miss me when you
beast of burden
"ohh" gasp out of me
i cannot be undone
unless you undo me
white reach of white sands
water to your knees
love me
love me
love me
quietly if it must be
if it must be so very quiet
i love you
there is nothing to help me
to quiet this thing
i am scraping the scab off again
to suck a bleed
"don't do that!" they tell me
it will never heal
i am going to bleed
to death
loving you
loving me
loving every minute of this
delicate seam
i will not go down without
a silent scream

yellow daffodils
spinning the game piece
you are dancing on the table
mirrored ceilings
my youth is coming back to me
pouring ice water from a silver pitcher
outside in the garden
white dress and i am learning to read
signs on walls and walls falling at my feet

Psych Man

An acquaintance I'm staying with temporarily told me he used to work in a psychiatric hospital. He said my situations of almost borderline "homelessness" fits the "profile" of someone with depression or bipolar disorder.

I told him no, I've had no such disorder and have no such mental issues and that MY problems of "borderline homelessness" have to do with PHYSICAL problems and financial insecurity that goes along with physical problems. I told him I had the MRIs to prove it and he could take a look for himself at the timeline of what injuries occured when and how they would affect my ability to work.

This guy approached me himself, while I was at the cafe I frequent.

I'm a little concerned about the whole "psych ward" bit because I really don't think that's the best type of person to be hanging out with when he doesn't know me well enough to know my story and what's going on with me.

I've DATED fucking psychiatrists and they concur there is nothing wrong with me.

It's not MY fault I end up with people who end up trying to pull scams and cause problems. I do not intend to stay with this acquaintance long at all. I think there is something slightly "off" about my meeting him. I don't know, just a hunch.

He sat down and asked me 20 questions, and when I asked what denomination of church he's currently pastoring for, he wouldn't tell me.

Plans Today

As I was pulling out of the parking lot for the hotel, I noticed several cars parked around or driving around, with an interest in where I was going. One guy, good looking and latino, in a nice car, just cracked up when he saw me, I guess, because he thought since I was with someone in a trashed car, that I wasn't going anywhere too fast, or that I was securely without anything. It was clear he was amused. Really, I would have told him to fuck off and wake up. Some of the better people are actually driving the shittier cars, and you don't always know who knows who in this town. It's pretty stupid to think turning down assistance or friendship with someone, because they appear to be poor, is going to get you anywhere.

I don't choose my acquaintances based on their position, money, or social status. I choose to be friendly with pretty much everyone and I go after what someone is about inside, not what they appear to be from the exterior.

And if someone is exactly what they appear to be, more power to them. Being who you are, in general, is probably the best policy because deception can easily backfire because most people will tune into something.

I haven't cried at all or been panicked.

I think some people think I'm trapped now, probably U.S., and are hoping I just go back to Wenatchee with nothing, because they know I am out of time. I'm not going back to be screwed.

I'm getting my son back, and if these people want to be fuckers, they should enjoy it while they can because no one knows what will happen next.

If I lose my son for any reason, these people have got a fucking thought coming. I have been strung along and lied to, for maybe good or bad or a combination of reasons, and no one bothered to be straight with me and actually come through for my situation with my son. Then I have people in the U.S. just thinking it's great because now, they think, I have no options and that I'm going to lose my son if I don't get screwed by the state first.

I asked a friend to take me to the Panera in Germantown again because I am making my contacts and I'm staying the fuck away from the U.S.

All these people have wanted, is to screw me over and finish what they started because they don't how to accept responsibility for their own actions, some which have been criminal.

This friend I talked to today was telling me didn't I see this coming, and no, I didn't know for sure what to think. Then he said, didn't I see it coming with the cop last night and I said I thought so, but he was saying he wanted to help me with a loan. So I thought this was possible and I wanted to know what he had to say about it. Nothing happened with him except a few kisses. He didn't feel me up or touch me and I did nothing to him, at all. It wasn't a hook up in any way. I didn't want to be alone and wanted to talk to someone and that was it. So, it turned out he was just another set up. At one point, he wanted to do more and I told him no, and that he was under the influence.

So he grinned and fell asleep. Then he was still talking about a fucking loan for me until his buddies contacted him and told him to skip out and see what I did next. I had a feeling though, before he even left, and I called this other guy who I knew would be good for his word at least. And he was.

Oh yeah, I could call Pete Garrity! About the place in Pennsylvania! Right. I want nothing to do with him or his entire fucking crew. The fucker tries to set me up and put me in jail and then has a "place" for me in Penn.

Something that was weird was that this cop guy, I don't know, I think I guessed something about him that he didn't want to admit. For once, he denied it, but I have a very good feeling I was RIGHT even though he lied and said I wasn't.

His hand was on my arm and I said, "You ice skate don't you?" and he said no. I asked again and he said yes he did and why did I ask. I said I thought he'd had a knee injury from ice skating once. He acted extremely shocked and asked how I had thought of that and I said I didn't know, it just came to my mind. It was one of those flash insights.

He tried to deny it but I could tell, there was no denying. It was one case where he tried to say it wasn't correct but he was too surprised and I just "knew" besides. I knew it was true, whether he directly confirmed it or not. He had a knee injury from ice skating. He kept asking how I knew. I just knew. He said he was German-Irish and he looked German-Irish.

I'm getting all these breaking up songs from my radio station today. lol. Like a whole bunch about "it's too late" and "our love is broken" and "i loved you but you didn't know" and "i'm not waiting anymore" and "couldn't you see" and stuff.

I'm just tired of being lied to. I'm tired of being lied to about everything, big and small.

I have had a bad vibe for about 15 minutes. A heaviness and sadness vibe. Not sure where it's coming from. I actually miss Exxon. I guess he was growing on me but it's too bad when he turned out the way he turned out. I don't like the whole "marry me and here's some money or I'm dumping you with nothing." He put $2,300 in cash in my hands and then when I said I wanted to think about it another day, he insisted it was that day or never. And then later he's saying I was never his girlfriend. But he's claiming he was faithful to me all that time. He told me I could stay in that hotel with nothing or call him. Not only that, what the fuck is wrong with the picture when you've got someone who is telling you they want to be with you and that they have fallen for you and like you, but they're leaving the house to get sex somewhere else? He said sometimes I said I didn't want to and that was true, when I was depressed about something, but it's not like I went somewhere else for it and he would get up way before I was up and leave the house and I knew he was going somewhere but he always claimed he was just going to work. Work doesn't start that early though. Not for most people.

I think I must have been wrong with just about everything. I had thought someone was really in love with me and I guess I'm wrong or he'd be here. I really thought I "felt" this was true. I was wrong I guess.

I am trying to figure out whether to call on my Pakistani people or if they got tired of waiting around for me.

I wrecked my back again. I danced at the bar the other night, when it was just about 3 people total, and I ran into the side of the bar.

I'm getting more "I hate you" and "i'm breaking up with you" and passive-aggressive hater music like "R.I.P". this is just bizarre. And all the songs were on normal audio, playing at normal levels for volume, but this one just came in BLASTING on, above and beyond normal volume levels and I didn't touch anything.

Now it's normal again and it's a regular song. At different times, with lastfm., the music is totally cranked up. And it's on this station that I've had little "programs" of songs played. Some songs out of order or out of sync with what it says is being played, and then the death stuff and today, a bunch of hater songs about breaking up.

I have the heaviness vibe still and it started at about 4:15 a.m., and more songs about breaking up and moving on and so sad but not looking back stuff. Well, I definitely feel depressed but it's not over being on my own or this situation--it's the same heaviness feeling I had in the past, when I knew something was wrong, which was an intuitive thing I was feeling that started a couple months ago.

I wonder if I actually really was starting to love Exxon? but that wouldn't explain all the weird stuff going on.

LOL. hahhaaaaa. this song, "love confusion" by katdeluna. so good.

I have been writing some reflections on a private section, notepad thing. I don't know whether to keep it totally to myself or to be brave enough to try to post it. Will have to think about it a little more.

This song by Stefani makes me think of my son, "Hollerback Girl." He loved the bananas part, when I sang this part to him. B-A-N-A-N-A-S.

Things are just stranger by the minute.

This guy who picked me up, who had approached me a couple times to do music, and who asked all kinds of questions about my situation with the Colombian guy, well, he approached me in the library and today said he could store my bags and suitcases and he gave me an address for where they would be.

Now, he's called me and sid he's coming, AT THIS MINUTE, to drop everything off.

He fucking DROVE AWAY with my bags and I'm thinking they're going to be safe at a place, and then the next minute, he's calling with zero notice to me, to tell me he's just dropping everything back off with me.

You cannot trust anyone in this town. I mean, don't tell me you can store my stuff if you can't. He never said for a long time but he gave me a fucking address and said I could store them for a couple days. That was the impression.

So he tells me he's coming back with all my stuff and just going to drop stuff off at the cafe. I told him I needed time to figure out where to put them. It doesn't matter to him.

For all I know, he took off with my bags and someone went through everything, and now that this has been done, I'm getting them dumped off with me again.

As for him, I have some questions about him. I've seen him watching me downtown and actually following me in his car on diffeent occasions. I've caught him at unguarded moments, looking at me with disgust and contempt, but to my face, he's always been so nice and he said even that he wanted to do music with me and brought his guitar one day to play, and said he'd loan me a guitar.

He approached me after I wrote I had met some people from Colombia. He then advised me, later, on Valentines Day, to either get out of my relationship with Exxon or pretend I was sleeping with the enemy. I never called Exxon the enemy and wondered why HE, this guy, did.

Okay, even weirder now...

I found someone who said they'd help me with my bags when he dropped them off. So get this...He comes in and is sitting down, and telling me to get my bags, and this other guy who is at least storing my bags temporarily said okay, tell that guy to drop off the bags and after he's gone, we'll take care of them (put them in his car). So I said okay and when I went out to the car to take my bags, the guy, I'll call him by "M", said to me "Get in." I said, "Huh?" and he said again, "Get in."

Oooh no way in HELL am I going to "get in." So I said, "No, that's okay, I just need to take my bags." So I got my bags and told this other guy, "That was weird."

I mean, I reserved judgement until this evening. First, telling me he's dropping my bags off after taking them for awhile and maybe going through them. He calls me and says he can't wait, and they're being dropped off. Next thing I know, I'm being told to get into a car? No directions, no explanation, nothing except "get in".

So that's decided for ME. I think that was the last music contact I'll be having with him. It is just too weird.

I also think, why in the world am I thinking I have feelings at all, for Exxon, when he pulled such a shitty scam? It is really not cool, and especially not when he's doing this little money thing and then making sure that when he leaves me at the hotel, I am left with absolutely NOTHING. He then told me he would still marry me, but if I wanted help, it was with HIM. So he asked me if I had any money, and after I told him I had nothing he said I was on my own unless I wanted to marry him still or changed my mind. ?!

Who the hell does that?

Everything is so sketchy it's not even funny. I am starting to feel like one of those women from Russia who gets shipped to some other country to work as a waitress and it ends up being a sex slavery or trade deal where they're sort of trapped in a situation or promised things and then those things are not delivered but they're dependent upon the people for things and so stick around. I cared about him, legitimately, but other things were strange and I was being prevented from getting some things done on time and he was too interested in talking to my doctors.

I mean, it seemed normal at first. But then it kept getting weirder and then all the "spy" shit and people from embassies and everything.

Scammed Again

So this other guy just scammed me.

He said he could help me with a loan and yesterday said he worked for construction. Today, he said his family owned the construction company. I said I wanted a loan because that would be straight-up and I'd pay it back. He said okay, and I said I needed at least $20,000 and he says, "I can get $5,000 a day." I said, "How can you get $5,000 a day?" and he said he just could.

So then, I'm not judging the book by its cover, but the covers are pretty shitty. Let me just say.

So this guy who is in construction, is fit. He is not just fit as in construction fit, but he's obviously doing some kind of work out because I saw his calves. You don't get calves like that from doing simple construction. I know my anatomical shit. He's standing there, practicing his golf swing in the mirror and then says his buddies have stranded him and are out playing golf, and then this guy just takes off, telling me he has to charge his phone and to meet him at the Starbucks.

He asked me if I wanted to go with him and I said okay, but what to do about all my suitcases and I'd have to tell the room people to give me more time, so then he says to meet him and he just disappears.

I'm thinking to myself, hmmm...I don't know about this, so I called another guy who wanted to do music with me and I'm figuring something else out.

That one guy though, was with a couple of other guys and if I had to make a guess, I'd say he was straight up police but from New York. He kept saying he was from Maryland, but there's no fucking way and I said you don't get an accent like that from Maryland. Then I pegged his buddy as being from the NW and they stared at eachother like how did she get that one right. Because he had zero accent, and talked like me.

Maybe this other guy's people told him, "Hey, she's writing about you already and uncovering your cover" I don't know.

But someone who doesn't need to lie, wouldn't lie about an accent, and have a body that's obviously doing work outs (I only saw his back and calves), and be questioning me about a ton of stuff in a cop voice, checking out the window every so often for "the Colombians" supposedly. I thought too, he could just be a gansta type but I don't think so.

So he kept asking me what his name was and testing my memory. No normal person would test my memory skills. He asked me what his name was again, and a bunch of shit.

It was fucking Lawrence Joseph, supposedly, but I didn't see any ID. He was decent and didn't do anything weird, besides sort of promise me a loan. His friends were kind of gross, I have to say, when they were drunk. Like, well, I won't go into it. The play-acting motion stuff they did was kind of gross and one made a weird comment to me too.

Oh, I am so right. I just checked the coffee I brought him and he didn't take even one sip. He didn't want to drink from something I brought to him that could be "tampered" with is my guess. however, he readily drank a sealed bottle of orange juice.

Well, he was a fucking cop or FBI or something. Something else was going down and my guess would be someone just wanted more info on me to try to use against me.

Whatever. The FBI is already in a mess of shit from the things they've pulled and they want to screw with me and get a file going against me to protect their own people.


I feel really guilty today. Guilty, and I didn't think I would, and like I've fucked up.

I also miss Exxon, but I don't miss the mystery.

I am too smart to be lied to and everything gets fucked up, even if someone has the best intentions, because I KNOW something isn't adding up. And when it doesn't add up and I don't know the details, I start to question things.

I went out for a drink and met some people. I had a drink or two and got down to the music. It was the brightest lit bar I've ever been to. The Blue Fish. What a dive, too. I mean, total dive. The songs were 50s and 60s and then I remembered Billy Jean the most. It was my favorite one to dance to.

Someone came with me but I wouldn't do anything, and neither would he, besides kiss. Not even make out.

I feel like there was something very unique and special with Exxon, in a way. But I don't understand the tactics and it's too difficult when someone isn't honest, even if they're just hiding small things. I pick up on it.

I picked up on it with Chris Dabney, with Exxon, and now, with this guy I just met. And I'm not interested in any of it.

I only want to get my son and sort of be free. But I also miss the idea of being with Exxon and maybe doing something really sky-high, like, revolutionary or something, in Colombia.

It came to the money thing. The money thing screwed things up. He tested me all the time and I tested him and some things didn't add up and then he didn't know why I was upset about it.

At the Blue Fish, I thought, everyone looks so white and sooo...American. I sort of miss the exotic flavor of being with Colombians. On one hand, I got tired, mentally exhausted sometimes, with the Colombians and the Spanish all the time, like I was in a foreign country, but I also miss the exotic nature of being with Colombians and immersed in the culture and dance.

I told someone last night, that I thought perhaps there was a big secret but it wasn't bad, but maybe he wasn't willing to reveal his full identity to me or something. I started wondering, sort of, if he was connected to this princeley prince or whatever, but I told someone, if someone is screwing around on you behind your back, it doesn't matter. It doesn't matter what their position or title is or how much money they have. I am really serious about that. I would never be happy with someone who couldn't be faithful to me. It would bother me too much, no matter who they were. He said he wasn't with others, but I seriously question that.

Otherwise, in some ways, he really tried. But whatever the secret was, or whatever the secrets were, I couldn't handle the mystery. I need someone to be able to trust me enough to share with me what the truth is, and even if it's an identity thing, at some point, someone has got to trust ME with the accurate information.

You can't lie to someone and expect things to follow according to some kind of plan. Someone said last night, "What goes according to plan?" i don't know. But you can't keep things from someone and expect them to react appropriately all the time. You just can't.

At any rate, once again, a lot of people didn't want Exxon to be with me. So many different attempts to pull up apart and we held on, for a long time, against some crazy odds. But still, I question some things, naturally. And, for someone who is such a gentleman, when all is said and done, I was dumped off with nothing and told to call him if I wanted a way out of my situation. It was either him, for a little assistance, or nothing at all.

If he cared so much, he would be the type of person to offer help without major fucking strings attached. Nobody wants to give something for nothing I guess, but I like to think someone who cared about me and my son would be willing to give without expecting anything in return. I mean, that's not how it works usually, but I like to think someone would be willing to die for me.

If someone is in love with you enough to die for you, well, I take that back. I don't want anyone to die for me. But the idea is that it's sacrificial and you'd like to think if something is true, they would stand behind you and help you even if they couldn't have you. I mean, move on with their life, but...that they would...

I don't know. He put money in my hands, and I counted it out, but then he took it back. Not just part of it, all of it.

And then dumped me off with $6 for food, after I told him I didn't have any money, and that I'd used the last $200 for a P.O. Box. I would like to think, if someone were a gentleman, and knew of your situation, they would give you the money anyway and say farewell if that's the way it was, and wish you the best in getting the situation with your son straightened out. Is that idealistic or wrong?

I mean, if someone truly doesn't have the money, they don't. But his words never added up. One minute he had nothing and the next, he did. I saw him tell me he had nothing and then spend money on other things, so that's where it wasn't even, so much about money, but about things not adding up.

Sometimes, Exxon was kind to others, and other times, he was rude. I noticed how rude he was to a waitress once, because she didn't bring the primo liquor the way he wanted it to arrive. He was very exacting, and after that I didn't notice this so much, but he has a bit of an ego.

To this day, I've not looked up his name. I don't need to. I got to know him as well as I could in the timeframe I had, and maybe I never will look him up. If I found out he was someone different, would it matter? In some ways, yes, because it would explain some behavior and why things weren't adding up. But, in general, no. Probably not, after all that.

So one of my musician friends called and wants to jam. It would be nice to do this. It would be nice to just get on my feet somehow, through music.

I am out of time. I was all the way down to the line and I'm out of time now. I really think it is probably good I am out of that situation. Because, for one thing, it was very controlling. He wouldn't even give me the phone number for Ariel & Adriana, a couple I really liked, when I wanted to talk to them about something. He just wanted to cut me off and apart from others. I had to go through HIM to talk to others. And I didn't like that about some of his other friends who didn't want me to stay at the house unless it was with HIM, like HE was the ticket and without HIM I was nothing.

That's sort of the note he left on as well, that if I wasn't with HIM, good luck on my own. But even when I was with HIM, I was still sort of controlled. He pressured me to make decisions based on withholding things from me. Someone has to be free in order to make a good, free-will choice.

If he had just given me the money, for my legal problems, I actually would have looked at him in a different light. I would have thought, for once he's just giving from his heart and with no expectation from me and I probably would have gone with him, willingly, based on a gained and newer trust and faith in him. Not based on what small help I might get in the future, but I would have been able to make my decisions with my heart. I liked him, and I might have married him, with my heart in it, if he had been willing to see what I would do, should I be independent and able to stand on my own and make a free decision. He might have been surprised. But he didn't have that faith in me and wanted me to be the one to jump. Trust goes two ways, and for my part, at least I wasn't the one withholding information or lying.

Mis palabras hay mis palabras, I said to him often. I meant Mis palabras are mis palabras. Yo soy honesto. I told him, "tu no eres honesto con mi."

The other thing I didn't like, on a personal level, was that he didn't trust me. He kept saying he knew I would feel better, PHYSICALLY, if I went back to see my son. He didn't have enough faith in me to believe me when I told him I had serious pain, which isn't new because he's not the only one who hasn't believed me in the past. But he thought it was in my mind or something and I need my partner to really believe in me. "Yo creo en ti." I need that. I need someone to believe in me. I think he did, more than most. Really, Exxon believed in me, in leaps and bounds, above the fray, more than most. For that, no, I don't forget. But also, I need someone to trust me to know myself. I mean, when he talked to my uncle briefly, he was convinced my whole situation with the state was easy and that all I had to do was "cooperate" with them. Like it was my fault and I was doing something wrong. I told him, "Yeah, and my uncle ALSO says we should take up residence at a homeless shelter..." and Exxon laughed. But at different times, I didn't know whether Exxon was going to back me up or not.

I'm still confused about everything. I'm so confused because something was very strong and good about him and about the two of us together. He made me happy in a lot of ways and he was growing on me. We had minds that matched, in a lot of ways, despite barriers in language, and chemistry was good but I'm probably not the only one he's had chemistry with. I had some people ask me why I was with him, and telling me he just wanted a trophy wife and a bunch of shit, but there was more to him than meets the eye. The part I couldn't handle, was the stuff that didn't add up and I didn't know why. Aside from the controlling issues, and the lying about some things, I felt we had some intellectual connection and connection with values. And he was affectionate and I miss him, like, I was able to imagine being happy with him but everything was so fast and pressured, but with my situation with my son that's kind of how it was. He also has a genuinely good sense of humor. Yes, I miss him. I don't really like the plain old American life either. I like the spice and variety of another culture and there was a lot for my mind to explore and I liked having the new experiences. I just don't get the demanding stuff and the money tease. Despite all of my questions, I sort of miss him. And for anyone who thought he wasn't good enough for me, driving around in the shitty car together, you can't judge a book by its cover. He was more than meets the eye on the inside. But then again, leaving early in the morning and coming home late at night--the almost no sex for a couple of weeks I didn't get. I told him, "It's not normal." And he swears he wasn't having sex with anyone else but...? I don't know, and I would call and his phone was turned off. If he thought he could screw around with others and then just be with me after marriage, only, how does he think I would believe things would be different after marriage?

So this guy I just met, he's saying he's lived in Maryland his whole life but that's b.s. haha. I told him he was from either New York or Boston. He has an accent. He's another Catholic. Dear God! I don't know too much about this guy except he's lying to me too! lol. OH well. I told him I'd have him sized up in about 3 days. Personality typed and sized up, and could give him pointers on how to be a better undercover guy. I told him his outfit and bad haircut were working, but his teeth were too white. He said he works in construction. It's very weird. I was thinking maybe he's a spy or undercover too, or concealing something, but aside from the accent thing, I don't know.

I just want the situation with my son worked out but I want a fair chance to fight it and I don't have that.

At any rate, he got his kiss. I want to write "I kissed the Prince" but what I have to say is this: I kissed Exxon. And then we said goodbye.

C'est la vie!

This guy says he might be able to help me. All I want his help for my son.

I don't want a fucking romance right now. I really just want a fighting shot to get my son back on my own terms.

Monday, March 30, 2009

Scammed (true continuation of the story of my life)

I have had to be careful what I write about. Now, at least, I'm in a hotel room and I can actually be open and honest about some bad things that have been happening.

I have not been safe in the U.S. and I am no safer now. In fact, all I have is further evidence of people in the U.S. trying to entrap me and set me up, and use others to do this.

I wrote, in some of my posts, that not everything I write is true, but basically, what I was writing about the Colombian and other scenarios WAS true. And my so-called fiance was trying to set me up and did this with his friends, deliberately, from the start.

And then dumped me off when I wouldn't follow through, telling me if I could make it without him, go ahead and try. He and his friends basically strung me along, noting the dates they thought were cut offs for my getting my son back, basically held me hostage in their house, and tricked me. Not only that, they tried to set me up and put me in jail, and on this day, actually LIED to me at the end, as my fiance still had his Ipod out to record or transmit everything I was saying.

He lied, saying out loud, that I'd never been his girlfriend.

Right. I was never his girlfriend but I was sleeping in his bed, having sex with him, and I was faithful to him despite not knowing what was going on all the time. Now I know, now, why he first had sex with me and then said he 'couldn't' anymore until I was married to him and then we would all the time.

Tonight, he was trying to say we never had sex and that I wasn't his girlfriend. I was the one bringing that up. So he was with me, and then trying to scam me and set me up, taking me to the courthouse and trying to get me to marry him in exchange for a little money for help for my legal situation with my son. But for me, I was WITH him, and it wasn't just some kind of financial arrangement and I cared about him, and I was "loyal" to him.

Meantime, he was lying the entire time. I was approached and sought out, and brought into this circle and scammed. And I didn't know what was going on. I DID notice that my fiance had been the only one to know where I was going the day I went to Hyattsville for my court matter and Pete Garrity met me and tried to pull a new sting on me. The original one wasn't "clean" enough, I guess, so they tried to get me to go for something that was strictly paper marriage. They didn't like the fact I'd had sex with Exxon before I was asked to marry him.

THEN, he was having sex with me all the time, and I guess HENRY wanted to drag him away from me so they could set up a sting against me again. So Henry introduced him to other women and began dragging him out of the house early in the morning before I was awake, and at night. I guess, now that I heard what my ex-fiance was saying, that I wasn't his "girlfriend", that this is the angle they were going for. Trying to take it back to make it appear like I WAS NOT his girlfriend, and get him out there having sex with everyone else and then try to spin me to appear as though I had no personal interest in him at all and was only marrying him for money in return for his getting an immigration pass or green card. When he was playing whatever he was playing today, he said I wasn't his girlfriend and I said, what was he talking about? and reminded him I'd only had sex with him and was loyal to him. He said, "you didn't kiss me and we weren't having sex". We weren't having sex because they were pulling a fucking scam to get me IN their casa and game and then try to claim there was no actual relationship later. The only part that's true, is that I wouldn't kiss him on the lips. I didn't feel like it, and there's nothing wrong with that. He TRIED, several times, to kiss me anyway even though I told him what my boundaries were. Everyone has different boundaries, and I told him what mine was. So he tries to make it a big deal for his little sting in the end, by turning it around on me. So, I fucking kissed him today. I kissed him and french kissed him, and said goodbye and now I'm writing about what a disaster he is and how I was scammed. He left, saying to call him if I wanted something with him still and that he'd still marry me. Right.

But it's even worse, because I noticed they were purposefully trying to string me along past dates for getting my son back. I was asked to "imagine life without" my son and I would start crying and it was like some kind of sadistic thing because then all kinds of things were done to distract me or prevent me from doing what I needed to do to help the situation with my son.

Then, I'm telling Exxon I'm going to the courthouse to fix that situation and he wants to know where I'm going first and next, and the federal guy was there. Trying to pull me into a DIFFERENT sting. When I wouldn't go for that, they fucking tried to USE me with their original plan, by then making all these promises and stringing me along but meanwhile Exxon's out there with other women and I guess, hoping to get paid off for making me appear as though I was never even his girlfriend. When I blew up and confronted him about his scam, I said, "Those latinas you've been with, you think YOU'RE the only one PLAYING me or playing games? you think you're some kind of honeypot? did you ever think that one of them could be fucking USING you to get information out of you to pull you into a sting?" I told him he had made one of the biggest mistakes of his life, first by discarding me and screwing with me. I reminded him: "I'm not going to jail honey." So I told him on one hand, he was lucky to be rid of me, but on the other hand, he was never going to find anyone else who was faithful like me, smart, and decent looking, and good luck finding a woman who was going to have as much respect and self-respect as me. I reminded him that I had been loyal to him, and considering the situation, that was rare, and he wasn't going to find someone like me and he fucked up and would never forget me.

I was his fucking girlfriend, but two things happened today that showed me what kind of scam he was pulling. Number one, he tried to take me to the courthouse after giving me some money he'd promised for helping my son in the legal situation, but it wasn't like he was giving me money and just helping me, and I confirmed this when later he tried to get me to still marry him, but made a point of having others listen in when he said I was never his girlfriend.

What he did was basically illegal in and of itself. He and his friends, lured me into their fucking house, promised me a bunch of crap, and then backed out on everything, held me practically hostage, and then tried to turn it around on me and screw me. It was fraud, and HE tried to make ME look like I was the one doing something wrong.

This was after I was basically propositioned to be a fucking spy and I refused. I guess they didn't know how to get rid of me then, so they tried to have me sent to fucking jail.

SO, all this time, he's telling ME I'm his girlfriend and fiance, and yet down to the line, he's making a different point into the cell phone for his buddies and law enforcement.

It wasn't even entrapment. They fucking purposefully screwed me and tried to fuck me over with my situation with my SON.

So he's telling me today, when we're going to the courthouse, that it NOW or NEVER and if I don't go through with signing marriage application papers, he's "finished". He just wanted me to go when everything was set up the way he or they wanted it to be set up. I said, why does it have to be now or never? and he was so insistent, that I realized the whole thing was a set up and an attempt at a sting.

Also, he first tried to get me to do this on Friday the 13th which he thought was really funny. I wouldn't and then he was showing me this paper from immigration, claiming he had to comply with their order to be out of the country because his visa was expired. But someone else was telling me he was here on a diplomatic visa so why would he be in a hurry to marry anyone to stay in the U.S. (he told me he DID want a green card) when he could stay as long as he wanted with a diplomatic visa. So then too, I noticed the timeline was expiring but he was suddenly no longer acting nervous and upset and wanting me to marry him so fast. He was settled in here and something else had been "worked out" for him.

As for all that stuff I was writing about, about Valentines Day and his girlfriend, that was all true even though I denied it later in my blog to preserve what I thought might be working out in the end. It wasn't working out. They had their agenda's out from the start and wanted to string me along until I had zero money and zero time, and no one to go to. They were always checking on whether I had other support from people, or other friends, or any family support. And then used what they knew about my situation against me.

So I screamed at him when he was insistent on marrying me THIS day, about setting me up or trying to because this is what Pete Garrity was trying to do in Hyattsville. And then Exxon was STILL trying to lie to me! and set me up, telling me he still wanted to get married and that he WAS interested in helping my son. I said, how interested are you in helping me with my son if you're only giving me money for my legal situation if I MARRY you but you're telling me to give it back if I DON'T?! I said too, when I asked him if he ever had even liked me, he said he DID and that he had liked me a lot and did too, but didn't want to give his heart away to me when he thought I wasn't interested. I told him, "If you like me so much, why were you wanting to stay in Maryland instead of going to Wenatchee with me like I wanted and said was in my son's best interest?" I said, "If you like someone, or love them, you want to be with them, and I was asking you to come with me."

He said, "true." True. Yeah, fuck right true. So much for how much he claimed to have "liked" me and was true to me. He was telling me he was just getting up early to go to work.

I had thought at first, I wasn't that interested, but I was starting to like him, genuinely, and he FUCKED that up by trying to set me up and lying to me more than once. And not only that, it was really, really, underhanded, because he and his friends were trying to trap me and hold me down like some kind of hostage, with nothing. NO money and not in a very good condition to work either.

He was asking me, at night, at times, if I thought I could ever fall in love with him deeply in the future, but then on his fucking telephone time, he's muttering how I was never his girlfriend and he's telling me he wants to help with my son but he was fucking with that situation from the beginning.

I didn't know for sure though. But after the third time of trying to drag me past deadlines I told him I had for getting my son back and complying with some things and BEING in Wenatchee to avoid filing of termination of parental rights, I began to clue in.

SO he acts like he's happy maybe I have feelings for him, tonight, but then this doesn't dismiss how his word was never his word to begin with. They promised so many things and he rarely came through. Then, I thought he was being protective of me so I tried to trust him. But he certaintly fucked THAT up. I was starting to trust him and I wanted him to go with me to Wenatchee because I felt more protected and that I would have a witness and someone to help me with things. I also wanted financial help but I was loyal to him and I did like him and I never left him for these other sketchy offers. I thought maybe he was ON MY SIDE and that our relationship could grow.

On top of everything else, I've been getting more oddballs coming at me via the Catholic church. First, I get a warning to "back down" from the catholic church, by the same guy who works for the federal govt. and gave me this laptop. He told me to drop things and I told him I wasn't involved in anything against that church and I'd dropped the lawsuits long ago. He said, "Even the United States government can't fight the Catholic church." I didn't know whether this was a sad admission, or whether to take it as a strong warning.

Which, by the way, is networked and I cannot "unnetwork" it and I just had a computer guy take a look at it today and he said yes, it was networked and the button was on fade out so he couldn't fix it. He said it was unusual but believe me, that kind of shit was happening a lot in E.Wenatchee and wasn't unusual at all. It was worse. With THIS laptop I've seen time and date changes, without my changing anything, and I have the networking thing without my ability to fix it, and then I also had a couple things happen on the computer with letters being added again. At least this other computer guy said he noticed the networking thing and he said it was odd. He's from China and knows a thing or two about computers.

On top of that, he said it was NOT normal to hear the kind of message I get when I turn this laptop on. It starts up with the message that my computer is being assisted with "artificial intelligence" and it's all sci-fi and weird like alien or artificial intel stuff and everyone whose heard it says it's weird. On top of that, when I first met the Colombians, the first woman was teling me to buy and wear this perfume called "Alien". That's not all. Exxon had my photo on his phone with a weird sci-fi psycho music going along with it. When I saw this, I said, "Why did you put that music to my photo" and he tried to say he just did it as a joke and thought it was funny. Then, Henry was bringing up "radiation" when I was at the hospital. I guess anyone could tell me whether or not Exxon was sleeping around but I already know and I saw these different women. Including some woman today when we were driving, with the license plates "JASMINE".

TODAY, I was sitting at the cafe, waiting for Exxon and I notice this guy sitting next to me, with all these fucking "props" on the table around him, and pointed towards me. He took the table after I got MY table, and he's put all these "English" and "King of England" type of things or something. Obviously, the fucker had been reading my blog and wanted me to think this was some kind of "sign". This guy had a WATCH sitting on the table, facing me. I've been writing about all these "time is ticking" songs and things I've seen lately, and he's got a watch out with a large face to it. Then, right next to it, a fat book with the title "All The King's Men" on it and the cover is RED & WHITE. On top of THAT, this guy is reading some other book and has a sweatshirt on with "Oxford" university logo on it. I thought it was a LITTLE bit peculiar. He WANTED me to fucking notice. So I asked what he was reading and he tells me it's Canon law, on "marriage" and that he's studying to be a priest. I asked if he English and he said no but he spent some time at Oxford. He just so happens to choose to sit next to me, and has all these props out for me to notice and then he was telling me I should study up about celibacy and he's studying marriage right there, out of canon law. I was amiable and thought it might be interesting to talk to him but then I thought, no, he was so defensive and accusatory and then what's the deal with all the English symbols on the fucking table, or things that I would notice, and have written about in my blog lately?

So no, I have no "back up" plan. It was basically either "goodbye" and be left at a hotel, paid for with ONE night, or go back with Exxon and marry him. Because, as he said, what was I going to do without him? and now, these people know I have NO time for getting my son back or making other plans to file for things I need to file for, and all this time I WAS going to marry him and thought I DID and WOULD have help financially, and other support, for my son. I wasn't doing anything just for the money, I was thinking about my son's best interests, and yet he's willing to dump me with nothing, and tell me at the same time, that he cares about my son.

I have no one else to turn to or to go to and they know this. I've got fucking Pete Garrity trying to pull a STING on me, in concert with Exxon's help, obvious to me now, and then calling me up with a place in Pennsylvania "no strings attached". Then it's either marry Exxon or be dumped with absolutely zero money and a lot of luggage and NO time for anything and no one has contributed anything to my account that I put online to see if anyone would want to donate to.

These people were fucking working WITH the U.S. government and are USERS and when I wouldn't go along to be used as a fucking SPY for, probably, the U.S. and Colombia, they just want to fucking put me in jail or find some other convenient way to dispose of me.

It's sick. My back is NOT okay either and I still need something done about that. It was like I had room and board, but I was being pressured the whole time to go along with what they wanted, and strung along with a lot of promises for different things that never came through.

They fully know, as does the U.S., that I have no other support. I noticed, these people came along when I was starting to write my report about the FBI for the OIG and planning to find someone to help me sue the State and maybe FBI for obstruction of justice and other shit.

I was approached, at my workplace, and told I could stay with one of the guys, who was Exxon, until I was on my feet with my work sitution and back injury, and could stay in a spare room until this worked out. But that's not what happened, and I was scammed ever after that. I also don't just hop around from one man to the other, but that's what they were trying to get me to do, by setting me to go with some other guy through Pete Garrity, and that's why Exxon looked guilty, shocked, and sad, when I told him I'd turned DOWN the offer. I told him, "I was loyal to YOU."

Some payback.

I am never going to get anywhere in the U.S. I still have people, law enforcement, in the U.S., trying to set me up and then telling me to take up "state services and programs" knowing I've already been screwed by this so-called "system". I have zero support and help from the U.S. and then I have people from other countries setting me up as well and hoping to string things along.

If someone is genuine about trying to help me, they don't put up barriers or try to lock me in a cage. They don't lie to me, and pressure me with things. And how am I supposed to believe someone when they say one minute they care about me and the next they don't want to go to Wenatchee or that they like me and the next minute that I was never their girlfriend??? what was I then? because I don't just fuck around with people.

I was beginning to trust him and I was starting to like him too, more than before, and yet when someone dumps you with conditions, it's a little strange.

I am completely alone and I have no one to trust, at all. And the people who will eat this up, are those with the state who know I'm out of time and who have been lying about me and breaking laws from the start.

At first I thought maybe I was just being pressured because Exxon actually really cared about me. But it seems like no, that's not it. The only thing that could save this, if there is anything to save or salvage at all, is if someone just came out with the truth about everything. If I'm wrong about something, or about my perspective, no one has tried to clear this up for me. I actually didn't like the idea of leaving when I thought about leaving before, and I liked sharing the bed and being close and I missed him, I noticed. Especially after I realized whatever it was with Chris was totally not normal or plausible. He had been growing on me, before that, and I was having fun with him in general and thought maybe things would be different, even with me and my situation. But it seems very odd right now. I don't like the whole money tease thing.

He's a lefty. Figured that out for sure today. He said he was a righty but I found out, for certain, he's not. Maybe ambidextrous, but more skilled with the left hand and finally switching over to what was natural.

Plans for Today & Stalker from NY Last Night

I got a nice comment from someone yesterday but I'll have to find out which post it went to. Really nice, just saying they were reading and thought my blog was interesting.

Last night, I was on the road, driving back from D.C., and this guy was sort of following me and fucking mocking me and laughing. I was so pissed I wrote his license number down and flipped him off.

He had a shaved head and plates from New York. DZF 5604. New York. I think it was a white car, and I sort of thought maybe the guy was military bc of the plates, but I don't know. Plenty of guys have shaved heads who are NOT in the military. He suddenly looked concerned when he saw I had caught this and was writing down his plates number and looked meek all at once.

I can hear helicopters overhead today. It's not really a fly zone but you hear it alot, planes and helis here.

When the helicopter came to my house in East Wenatchee, that was very bizarre. He just laughed-harassing me and hovered there for a long time, to make a point. It wasn't normal and the guy just hovered above my house as I was putting my son in the car, coming out of the house. I've written about it already. There's no need to "fly in" there. There was/is a river by that house and I don't know where the outlets are. There is also an old freeway that runs past the house with exits to-from Spokane. It's the main way law enforcement would go, to travel inbetween some major towns.

I will have to remember the address exactly and I'll write it down.

We are thinking of going to apply for the license this morning. Then I'm leaving for Wenatchee. I've decided I'll do the fucking psych eval set up by the state, but I'm doing it from someone from over here. Exxon is saying oh, this is just the marriage application and if I don't "pass" the psych eval, we're not getting married.

I already know, in the hands of the state, I'm not going to "pass" or that they are going to claim I had a nervous breakdown when I never did, with my son at that place in E. Wenatchee, and everyone I've talked to over here thinks it was foul play and they believe me.

I told Exxon, how am I supposed to get a halfway fair evaluation by ANYONE from the state, when I'm fucking smarter than half the idiots who do this kind of thing, and what experience do THEY have with people who know diplomats, spies, and who have had legitimate problems with the state and a powerful church?! He laughed because he knows it's true. People employed by the STATE, to evaluate "welfare mothers" are not usually dealing with someone like ME, and I am not the typical "welfare mother" or type that CPS would ever deal with. My situation is unique because my problems have to do with powerful people I reported, and deliberate retaliation. Not to mention computer hacking and the other problems which affected my and my son's health.

Exxon says he just wants to at least do the marriage application to see if it is even "possible" for me to marry, to be sure I've not been married before, or whatever, or if there is some legal obstacle to my marrying. There's not, as far as I know, but I suppose it wouldn't be a big deal to see if the state has tried to issue some kind of fucking amber alert on my mental status. lol.

My opinion now, is that the state has lost some FUCKING ground now that I have even better evidence of physical problems they claimed I didn't have, and said were only delusional and in my head. They've got my "blog" they claim, and I have my medical records. The problem is, I can prove conspiracy to retaliate because I HAD some of these medical records when they railroaded me in the court, and these were missing from the record.

I am fucking suing the state for their violations of civil procedure if it's the last thing I do. I am also getting these CDs of the court hearings and I'm fucking uploading it online so everyone can hear what happened in the court.

I also have to file for an extension because of my medical problems and problems getting things done on time, with medical problems and disability that they refused to accomodate for, as requested. I got the Percocet and it's helping, but I have to go back to the doctor and have him give me something stronger like a shot or something because since that woman assaulted me, my back has not been the same.

I have three herniated discs. Two are older, one from childbirth, just like I said, and just as the neurologists have agreed caused cauda equina--the symptoms I told them I was having. The third one is new, and that's in the same location where I reported the assault.

I really like Keri Hilson's music. Her "Energy" and "Return the Favor" is also good.

Sunday, March 29, 2009

Creeps (and, separately, Colombian Dance)

Sophie Ellis-Bextor's "Catch you" is very good. I am sort of going to electronica stuff in the vein of Ladygaga.

It was an interesting night last night. I texted a couple people, one guy who was a little sketchy who wanted me to meet with him. It was very odd, and I texted him to see what he'd do and then this morning he wanted me to meet him.

Then I, hahahaa, wrote a text telling him something and that some of his friends questioned his motives about me and this was my message to him from God. lol. So, I'm cracking up, laughing in my car, after writing "Msg. from God" and thinking it should creep him out. I think sometimes I DO get insights, but I would never purport to speak for "God Himself". lol.

Call him out and then creep him out. So he wrote back "Who is this?!" and then "Don't contact me again." He very well knew who it was. Interesting he wanted to pretend he DIDN'T know who I was.

He was just weird and how he wanted to meet me and what he had to say was just very, very, odd. What is GOOD to know, is that his friends were not necessarily all this way. One guy actually came after me and I saw the look on his face, and I know he is also Jewish and I knew he was concerned about me and a good guy. I saw him and we exchanged looks and nods, and I left. But why the other guy had an issue with me and wanted to exploit me or play mind games, I've no idea. He approached me and when I saw him walking by the window, in an unguarded moment, he looked sad. He was not up and social. Something was wrong, and he was looking at me with this odd...I don't know, I can't pin it down. But THEN, I met with him and he was totally weird.

He was trying to get into my pants, and making suggestions that he would pay me for my "services". It was sort of like a sting though, because he had fucking recording equipment out. He was decent looking, and told me he was Jewish. I kind of wondered why he was coming out for me. I thought it was because he was concerned for me and he approached me after I wrote I was thinking about marrying this Colombian guy. But it was almost like he knew the guy I knew and where to find me. He approached me the same day I wrote how I didn't want to be a "Spy". It was at the same Caribou cafe and where a ton of guys were coming in and staring at me over the coffeee creamer, pretending to be absorbed in stirring their coffee. I cannot believe how many good looking guys, who were probably fucking spies, were coming in to see who the hell I was.

Yeah, so basically, twice in D.C., someone has tried to pull a fucking sting on me. One to see if I'd take money or offer sexual services, and then another for an immigration sting. Nice work guys, but ummm, "you can't catch me"? For one thing, my own ethics are sky higher than your own ethics.

So, he went from trying to see if I'd offer something for money, to asking for a massage for money with "a happy ending" which is very familiar to things Christa Schneider was always talking about. I just wondered what is wrong with these people. So he TOLD me, when he said he wanted to meet me in his office, he was going to give me a job. Then he put out this whole trying to get me on escort stuff and he had recording stuff out and I fucking ASKED him "So what is that?!" and pointed. Then he texts me to come back later. Bryan Schmergel or something. Anyway, I don't know, it's maybe not important. Real estate biz.

His buddy, who was Jewish, came down after me, and THATS the one I'd take. He was nodding and looking at me, like "I gotcha, and sorry about the asshole." They both knew who I was. And at least one of them was a good guy. They were trying to get info on me too, or HE was. I was alone with him in his office and he left the blinds open. This was right after I wrote about maybe Chris being a spy and how he acted with the card from that woman, and he had the Jewish girlfriend at the time, and I was writing I didn't want to be a spy but I would be a fucking GOOD HONEYPOT.

He knew I was totally broke and he was trying to see if I'd take money for sex or something like that. He was telling me to break up with the Colombian guy and that I needed to just have fun with someone like him. And one minute he's promising to help me with a job and the next minute, he pulling a fucking sting on me.

So many serious fuckers in this town. So THEN, last night, I texted him when I was mad about something, and wanted to see what he'd say or do. So he says to meet him tomorrow. He wouldn't tell someone he didn't know ("who is this?!") to meet him the next day. He knows exactly who I am. So I told him I needed a job and dissed some people and he said he'd help me out.

Then today, he called several times. But then I told him I was in D.C. and he waited until I'd driven all the way over there to tell me he wasn't in D.C. today. So then I wrote him the crazy text...About, "I think some of your friends are concerned about you and your motives towards me. Msg me to you from God."

When I asked this same guy, about the job, he backtracked on everything. He just wanted info on me and to try to catch me doing something illegal. He had NYC stuff everywhere. Sports team stuff from New York.

Then I met another guy who looked like he was sort of keeping an eye on my car. He was really nice and helped me get directions back.

I don't know what the deal is, but I feel I have some good friends, or people who understand me, who are Jewish, and then there are others who really hate me and I'm not sure why unless they're just pissed I wrote about a Rabbi I worked for. If that's it, get over yourselves. No one is above the fucking law, not even a Rabbi's wife. I liked that family and care about them to this day, but if I'm writing about shit I've seen, I'm not going to give them some kind of special priviledge for? what? No, I'm fair and I don't make false accusations and I also don't spare certain parties simply because I'm a brown-noser or want favors for myself. At any rate, I think maybe more conservative ones are more supportive of me? I don't know. Almost all my supervisors and bosses have been Jewish and I've never had a problem. There are factions though. Like, Ed Israel liked me and I loved that man, and then there are others who don't know me or like me. I don't know. Maybe it depends on how they know me or something. That's why I'm sort of scared to go to a synogogue. I don't know who might want to help and who might not like me. I just don't know. It's like the English thing, if I'm interested in finding out about her case...most are fine but then it's scary because so many people have their own weird motives.

It's sort of the same with the Colombians, who are almost all Catholic. Because of some of my problems, I get very nervous, but I've also known and met, recently, really wonderful people and the religion thing doesn't matter. It just depends on the person.

Like, last night was both good and bad and fun and dangerous I guess. The thing I kind of like about the culture, well, I don't know. You know what, I forgot how dance breaks barriers like music does. I wrote a whole post about music, but dance is really powerful too. I can see how it unifies people, just all dancing together. I notice acceptance, or more acceptance, with Latinos, when they see 2 things: I know a little Spanish, and when they see me dance. I don't dance well, but i love it and if that is important and part of their culture, I guess they know I'm not there to just check people out on the sidelines but to have fun and that I enjoy and appreciate the culture and having fun. It really does make a difference. So does sharing a drink or two.

For me, it was very odd, because the other day I only had ONE shot of whiskey and I felt totally smashed and buzzed. But last night I had several shots of the Colombian drink and while I was buzzed certaintly, it seemed to be at the same level. It was really weird. Maybe it's different when you're dancing instead of just sitting at a bar.

I want to go back to the Colombian party, but I want to say, in D.C. today I do not notice the harassment I used to sometimes get. I am starting to think that really, certain people were just finding out where I moved, and what my route was, and made it a point to be in my way and just harass and mock me. But it's different today. Everyone is normal and either I'm sort of becoming accepted as a part of the scene in town, or I am just in a location I wasn't expected to be in (didn't tell anyone where I was going today and just took off).

Okay, so about the Colombian party...It is really, really, interesting, because I felt welcome and part but some are still checking me out. Before I left, someone told me to be careful and when I said, what did he mean? he said he just said "take care". But no, he told me to be careful. Not saying who. So I went, and some people were watching me. I met a group of women and then, I was told, at the end of the night, there was an "issue" or a "problem" because of something I said to a Colombian woman.

It was sort of the same thing, where the Russian woman was totally going off about how I didn't know shit about art (like she's ever been to Portland, Oregon) and was so defensive when I said I sort of missed the art scene or didn't know where it was. So she went OFF and then I guess expected me to just take it. Then Chris changed his mind about me after that, because I upset either his nex paramour or next asset. Who knows. But I crashed his scene by speaking up for myself.

Same thing last night.

I say, guess what fuckers? I'm not the kind of girl who you lie to without some kind of consequence. Get that straight and if you don't like it, don't try to bring me into your circle to begin with or act offended when I assert myself against the shit.

So, what happened, is I was introduced to all these lovely Colombian women. Really beautiful women, and I liked them all. However, I noticed, right from the start, how Exxon had something going on with one. She was gorgeous and I wouldn't blame ANY man for wanting to have something with her. But it was like, this is it, I'm the fucking mule for whatever the agenda is, and there was just no respect. He was all over her, flirting and he doesn't hide his eyes very well and then he kissed her behind my back and she was obviously into him.

For her astounding beauty, and figure, she had the most obnoxious speaking voice. My GOD, it was this high pitched nyah nyah nyah voice. Really horrid. But I was talking to her and asked her if she was with her boyfriend. She said she did have a boyfriend, and as she's talking to ME she's looking over at Exxon. I asked where he was and she said he was at home because he didn't like dancing. I asked if he was Latino or American and she said he was American and white. First it was like she didn't know where she was going with her lies. So, after she got up to dance with someone, I decided to have a little sit-sit-chit-chat with her Mama.

Her mother was gorgeous...actually, more beautiful than her daughter. That woman, her mother, was like an Isabella Rossellini and, perhaps, more beautiful. Just amazing with a beautiful figure and really sweet. The kind of mother that's really just a lovely woman you'd protect regardless. But, Mama was so sweet and probably didn't know everything about her daughter, and I was going to find out.

I knew I was striking gold when I caught the very NERVOUS and SCARED expressions of some of the other Colombians. Like, OH SHIT. They saw me sidle up next to Mama and she didn't speak any English so I had to use my best Spanish. I asked her where she was from and she told me how long she'd been in the U.S. and how she met her husband and where he was from and where she was from. Then I asked about her daughter, because she only has one. I asked if her daughter was married, knowing she wasn't. Then I asked if he daughter had a boyfriend and she said no. I said, "Oh, she doesn't have a boyfriend?! I'm surprised. Does she like American men or Latinos...or..." and her mother told me her daughter never went for American men and espeically not white men because she told her mother they were boring to her. She liked Colombian men and I said perhaps this was because her father was Colombian so she was drawn to something familiar. She nodded. Then, I looked over at this guy who was watching me the whole time, and I gave him this "I am disgusted and I got the fucking INFO on this shit."

So I got up, after kissing her mother on the cheek. I do love that woman! I walked by, and everyone fucking knew something was up. They were already looking at me nervously when I was talking to the mother, and I made no concealment of the fact that I was onto them. So I went to the women's restroom with one woman who knows me, coming after me. They all fucking knew I knew.

So I sent out a text. My first text was: "I have found a rat. My intel is fucking better than theirs." and left it at that. I'm then looking around and noticing how many people thought this was so fucking hilarious, to have this going on behind my back. Not only that, he's always telling me how poor and broke he is, and here he is giving the world to his fucking bitches. He took off his Catholic bracelet I think, when he decided it was over with the married Colombian woman who came to my fucking engagement party. Then he was on the town, wining and dining other bitches while I was writing at the cafe.

So I was going for Camilla next, and she was going to know what I knew. For all I know, there's more than one, because he certaintly doesn't seem to be very discriminating. I mean, it's one and it's the other, and I saw how this other woman, who works for the Colombian embassy, looked at him and I was right about that one too. He didn't even try to conceal it.

So I went up to her, and she started talking to me in that nasal high pitched voice. It's this weird monotone nasal thing. I said to her, "You know, you lie really well for an American." She had told me she was born in the U.S. and was American but considered herself to be Colombian. She looked at me. She said, "I don't know who you are...I don't know why you said..." And I said, "I'm not even going to talk about it." She stood up and was in my face and kept trying to lie to me and pretend to be innocent and I said, again, I wasn't going to talk about it and I said, "Sit down." And then I walked away.

Everyone was standing then, and talking and pissed. Oh, I offended the Colombian princess this time. First it's the Russian princess and then the Colombian princess. Actually, I can forgive the Russian princess and already have. She was just going on about art stuff and it wasn't a big deal; she didn't know me and she's dramatic and I like her. This other woman had the audacity to lie to me to my face and I'm not okay with that, and then I'm walking around and thinking, "All these Colombians KNOW" and it was like I was the laughingstock. There were some who were sympathetic to me and I don't have any personal issue with any of them, but I am more than what meets the fucking eye, and Miss Hotstuff has a whiny voice and nothing between the ears. I wouldn't draw attention to her lack of intelligence if she hadn't had the audacitity to show herself off like a fucking peacock and try to make a fool out of me. Mr. Hotshit wasn't getting away with it either.

Then things got interesting. I caused a little commotion and then rattled off to this guy who maybe doesn't even like me very much. So he's staring at me, and if I was pissing him off he didn't show it. But then there was this "problem" because I said something to her.

I went out there and danced. I think people were shocked that I would find out and what the hell do people think? i'm some kind of shrinking violet who is destroyed by intentional humiliation? No fucking way, I went out there and I smiled at everyone, and grinned, and I danced my ass off, to ME. What do people think? I drink whiskey form a to-go cup in my car, and sob to myself, over romantic loss or betrayal? I don't cry over betrayal anymore, nor do I cry over humiliation when I have nothing to feel humiliated for when it's the shame that belongs to someone else, and I don't fucking cry over someone who is screwing everything on legs. I have cried over ONE thing, in the last year, and that is my son. Nothing else. I have not cried over any man, not even once. I've cried about my situation perhaps, but not over a man. And I'm certaintly not to cry over some sugarbaby who is an awful liar when I have never been jealous of any woman for having something I don't have. I wouldn't trade myself for anyone else. There are more beautiful women, and smarter women, but there is only one me.

When I went out there dancing and happy, people were just jaw-dropping SHOCKED. I went out there by myself and then I approached a group of others who were dancing. One guy had longer hair and I danced with him and his girlfriend and it was a lot of fun. I liked them. I danced with some other people too and it was fun. I did one thing that I felt bad about...this guy was passing by and I was smiling at him and he had a gold chain around his neck and I yanked on it to bring him closer to me, and it BROKE.

It just fucking broke off of his neck and I was holding the gold chain in my hand and the guy stared at me in shock and I gasped, and then cracked up laughing and the others around me just did the same, cracked up laughing and with eyes wide.

It was the dominatrix on the dance floor. Lol. I didn't mean to break it. I yanked hard, but I thought it would, ...I don't know. So then I'm saying, "OH no! lo siento!" and I'm handing it back to him.

Then there was this guy with dreads and I tried to take him across the floor in a tango and told him, when one song was playing, that it was like reggae with a guy playing an accordian on the patio and someone cracking peanuts into a tin can. He cracked up and didn't know what to do with me.

Then I told this other guy, William (there was more than one william), "This is SO fucked up" and it was like he knew and I didn't have to explain anything. He was the perfect person for me to say something to. I just kept saying things were so fucked up. Later I saw him approaching a group of guys and it was sort of interesting. I felt he knew me somehow.

The Colombian things is very interesting. It is like, if you are NOT social or friendly or savvy, you're just not going to make it in that culture. I mean, there is a whole unspoken dance, beyond the dance. I am probably both an asset AND a liability in the culture because I think people know they can trust me, in general, I mean, I say what I think. But that's also my problem, because I think everyone gets me and one wrong word to someone who is volatile or not balanced mentally, and seriously, I realized, you could get yourself killed. I noticed this, because I saw a couple guys standing there in the gap for me, almost as a barrier, to protect me, but doing it in a way so no one would know. I saw this and then realized, or understood for the first time, what the guy meant by "be careful."

It's like something that's not a big deal to me, could be highly offensive somewhere else. I'm still kind to everyone and I care about people. I got water for a lot of people who seemed very drunk, because I care. I would do it for someone who was even mean to me. I am sympathetic.

So I appreciated those who stood there, in front of me, as a protective measure in case something broke out.

The other thing I noticed, was who was trying to get me to do what. Exxon seemed trashed at the end of the night and was then running his hand up someone else's arm, and at that point I wondered if he's just some kind of swinger like all the rest. I looked out for him and he sort of looked out for me, despite everything. He acted a lot drunker than he was and he was listening to what others were saying. He also pulled me in to go home with them instead of with some other guy who was there promising he could give me at least $20,000, no problem, for my legal dilemna with my son. I liked him and the other guy, who was Russian, but I wondered at how they were trying to get me to go home with a total stranger. I said I'd meet him for coffee the next day but that was it. The Russian guy, and the one guy, AND Henry, were trying to get me to go with this other guy. I don't know if it was Exxon could be with the other woman, or what. She told me she'd been here for about 3 days, and she was really cute. I loved her banana leaf dress but when she was in the car, she told me she was just a hairdresser. I knew, intuitively, that woman was more than just a hairdresser. She was highly intelligent and that woman is not just cutting hair. I had that knowledge thing come through so strongly. I asked her if she was a diplomat or worked for the embassy and she said no but something was, there is more to her. I thought it was kind of silly she put a towel over her hair at the end of the night so it wouldn't get wet with a little drizzle, but she is not just some airheaded hairdresser. She's smart.

So then Exxon was in the car and totally smashed and I had to put my hand on his head when he was getting into another car, and I felt like a cop. I buckled him in and then he grabbed my hand and I thought, you know what, and actually, before that, I said, "If this is acting, this is really good." and he got this huge smirk on his face. I said, "A+" and he grabbed my hand and squeezed it. That was after he appeared passed out and Henry was asking me to say something about Exxon, when he was (appeared to be) defenseless. I said, "I cant say anything right now. Look at him." Henry said, "Why not?" and I said, "He's a dead man walking". And then Henry laughed and said he was a zombie. But then when we got out of the car, Henry wanted me to go ahead and open the other door, and I think they wanted to be alone to talk. Suddenly maybe not so drunk, Exxon. Then, he wanted to be intimate that night and he was not so drunk, well, did NOT seem so drunk.

With the other guy who wanted to take me home, I don't know if he was telling me the truth or not, but I said to him, "You have kids, don't you?" and he said "Yes." I said, "You have two right?" and he said "Yes, two." Then I said, "Are they boys?" and he said it was true, that they were both boys. So, amazing if it's true, if he wasn't pulling my leg.

Then Henry was talking and he'd come back from a trip to NY and I saw the word "Buffalo." I said, "Buffalo, huh." He said no, he'd been in Manhatten with family. But I think Buffalo for something. And Henry is either FBI or mafia I think sometimes, or Exxon is, or they both are and just set things up to see what I'm going to do.

I don't know. They work together but they circle eachother too. I have a feeling one of them doubles for something. At different times, I've thought they look out for me and other times, like I'm getting screwed.

I told Exxon too, the other day, don't believe everything you read on my blog. I told him I don't always write the truth and I sometimes put out misleading things to see what the reaction is going to be.

I have to go now.

I really don't know who my friends and enemies are exactly. Can you blame me? I've had so many people try to set me up and all I want is something simple.

People are in fucking OVERDRIVE to keep me down. I mean, it's bizarre. There are a lot of perverted and twisted motives and nothing is pure. I am set up, too, and expected to be some kind of perfect, innocent, person and I'm not. But I'm certaintly not the crazy chick I was made out to be. I want my son and I want a fair chance to get my name back and the truth to be seen and known about me. I want accountability for the shit done to me and my son too.

Saturday, March 28, 2009

What Is GOING On & Muslim Mosque & A Whole New World

I am getting very concerned. No, I'm serious, and I told Exxon today, that I was extremely worried.

People were driving back and forth, by Panera, all DAY today and I was wondering WHAT THE HELL is going on. I don't know if it was good or bad but THEN, on top of everything, I then left Panera and a couple of cars with people inside who were totally mocking me, drove by very slowly. I am getting freaked out because I feel I'm being stalked again.

There are normal, friendly people, and then there are scary and obnoxious stalkers. Not only that, I'm wondering WHO is in charge of Lastfm.com because the MUSIC stuff has NOT been normal and I feel it's been manipulative, which sounds weird but it's NOT weird. I have to explain better so a reader understands what I'm saying.

On top of all of this, today I open up my browser and what does it go to? A Muslim MOSQUE. No big deal. I know it's not the Muslims, believe me, who are playing death songs to me all day, on a station that has nothing to do with death.

So this is a beautiful mosque, in a gorgeous, gorgeous, location but I don't know where it is exactly, and the thing is, I didn't program my browser to bring up this photo.

I don't know where this location is, and then I show Exxon and he acts like it's no big deal at all! He says, "Oh, it changes, they change the pictures." No, it does NOT happen like that. The thing is, I pull up my browser for windows, and it comes up BLANK because I don't HAVE any photos or whatever. But tonight I pulled it up, and it's this photo, which I don't have a BAD feeling about by any means, but the fact that it came up makes me wonder.

Not only that, the thing I'm talking about with the lastfm.com station. I looked them UP, online, on wiki, because I thought this was someone from UK who was doing some of the stuff that was happening on the radio stations and this is NOT delusion for anyone from the state or others who think it might BE.

So, what was happening, is I was on the Alison Krause station, which I've been on before, and it just started playing song after song after song about DEATH. I've been on that station before and it's not all about death. It's an uplifting and contemplative station. But after I wrote something about how I would be WORRIED if Chris Dabney were dying, or whatever, I got song after song after song, about DYING and DEATH. It wasn't a special program. It was over three hours of this death music. It was like 4 hours of it and I kept it on, wondering how many songs there actually WERE about dying, and then of course, the hospice people were sitting right next to me, and they came in after the death music was playing. Then they came by again, and sat next to me, and then the guy with the baseball tumor goes by, after MORE death music comes on, for a second day.

The one day, it was about 4 hours straight and then it happened again.

Then, no matter what station I go to, from lastfm.com, besides the weird death song stuff, I was getting music which was playing like a fucking duel between two guys. I am not kidding. OH, and before I forget, when I heard all the death music, I got up because it was so weird I knew there was no way it wasn't a message to call someone, so I called everyone and no one was dying or injured and then I got a ride from someone to a different location and there are these huge brand new BMW and Mercedes Benz SUVs that were following us, and the guys inside are staring at me and totally cracking up laughing. I didn't get a good look at the one guy but I saw the other one and the other one was Italian for sure and he was about dying laughing, and here I was, running around, wondering who was fucking dying. It wasn't funny and it wasn't a cool practical joke. It was manipulative and mean. And WHY would someone do that? who obviously has power and money? I have no idea but I got this FUCKING COMPUTER from the U.S. government. I'm calling fucking STEVE to the stand for my child custody case. They can see what I write and have it networked, and it has all the fucking boxes checked for being networked even though Steve tried to tell me it wasn't, I could see the boxes myself.

So first I'm thinking I have some secret admirer from the UK and thinking, if this guy can bring different songs to me that have personal meaning AND are interruptions in the normal program, or go out of the genre to send me something, he must be important.

THEN I get the DEATH music days. And it wasn't just one day, it happened again a different day. After I said something about death or how I'd be worried if someone was dying. So I got all these dying songs again. Way too many in a row to be coincidence and it's normal for the station either.

I told Exxon, and he brushed it off, like there was nothing wrong. He said, "So it was a special program?" Yeah right. Lastfm.com does not just "mix it up" by throwing in death and mortuary songs for hours on end. Then, last night, I took the headphones off the laptop and he heard the song and started to cry. He was CRYING. To the song "10,000 Miles".

Yeah, and THIS song is really "fitting"--"Ordinary World". This is not an Ordinary World. This is like, that song from Disney, from Aladdin, this is "A Whole New World." A Whole New Fucking World and I wanna go back to the part before I go down the fucking rabbit hole.

I just found out where the photo is from--It's from Turkey I think. The mosque or church is called "Holy Sophia." Wait...Hang on...Okay, it's Hagia Sophia and it means "Holy Wisdom". Hmmm. That's cool. But still...? Where is the icon for the face with one eyebrow raised.

Well, it's very beautiful and I think I remember seeing something like it from a slide from art history in college. It looks like something from one of the slides. There is an important painting in one of those Turkey churches. Hmmm. turkey churches. That's not a very good phrase.

"Think of You" by A Fine Frenzy. I guess maybe somebody LIKES me? or something? because all of these are coming to me from out of nowhere, and besides the scary death thing, the rest is sort of romantic (?) actually. It's a little much, but I might be getting a message through the disbelief. Oh, a song about roses in Turkey would be pretty. Does Turkey have roses? I don't know, but I can see them. I can see red and pink roses in Turkey.

OH, it's an Eastern Orthodox church. That makes me think of Charles bc I recently read he's into Orthodoxy (newly) and because he likes architecture.

I am so tired tonight and just listening to music and almost fell asleep to the music. Who is this Mr. Rock & Roll?

I told Exxon I might go to a hotel tomorrow night or next and he was fine with it. It was whatever I wanted.

Exxon called and they're dancing. I should probably go out dancing with them because it's Exxon's birthday. I guess I'll call up and try to be a party animal...wait...maybe if I can take a separate car. Those COLOMBIANS! I tell you, dancing until about 4 a.m. you know.

We'll see.

You know what, I should probably stop freaking out and accept the gifts as they come and not get so worked up about things.



if i write about you
they will know
if i write about him
you will know
if i write about my indecision
everyone knows, and i am afraid to look up
things i want to look up
want to learn more about
diana's enemies,
russia and the jews,
my lips are zipped on one or two
key things
which could unlock a pandoras box
i see, say, saw, feel, hear, heard
nothing. i just need someone to pick me up
because i'm lightheaded
"my life is an open book i see"
said she, anne of green gables
someone has been submitting my work
for me, inserting a few ideas to spice it up
for the plum pudding people

is it necessary to string me between two trees?
i am a hammock? laundry line? copper wire?

for someone so dangerous i seem to be...
so out of reach.

everyone has a yellow umbrella today
it's singing in the rain
someone is dancing on the edge of the street
someone has been praying on their knees
yellow umbrellas shivering and twirling
the end on the palm of their hands
sliding to the left and sliding to the right
jumping over the bar
behing their backs, passing the baton

on the edge of the bed
so many days too late and waiting with toes pointed forward
black heels and then my toes are inward
door shut eyes on me and the satisfied smile
of a beekeeper watching the bee

i have a wand of clinique
sticky lips for kissing, and i am thinking
i have something to give someone
for their birthday even if it's not for keeps
it's not superglue, it's nothing
just a kiss

you could be the king of england
the prince of barbados, the duke of denmark,
a princely precepts of principles and principalities
or a king of the streets, a mafia don, a mayor,
a politician, an actor others dream of at night
but if you are not mine and i am not yours
we know. we know how to see beyond
the surface
we know i could be tempted by material things
in this position, that i fall even
for sympathy, for the plight and cause of the
refugee. for the woman from the embassy
in love for the first time in her life

i have a right to consider carefully
and i do not judge others for their choices
someone needs to be loved and understood
deeply, by someone who loves them
truly, for richer & poorer; better & worse
famous or infamous

i have a right to question everything that
has been put in front of me & taken from me

sugar & spice & romance is nice
all i want is my baby
that is my dream and that is what i want for my life
i cannot see into my future or make plans
without my son

i want to be the woman leaping forward
covered in paint in that nude scene
able to take on anything with a smile

i don't need a surprise or a glass slipper
but i am not in love as far as i can see
i cannot see anything except me
and a baby. i see possibility, down the road

what i really need, is a loan
but i also need someone next to me
but i also need to be free
which means
i know nothing
and i decide on something new every day

how can i choose anything unless i am free
to know what i want and what i need?

i don't want to look up names and i've done no such thing

how long will i cling to this idea? i can't
make promises, but i promise i will always try not
to make promises i can't keep

this song by pink "eventually" is interesting. the thing is, i already "get" it. I've never been rich, not by normal standards, but i've had people think my parents had at least a little money, when they were pulling up to pick up from school events in a Mercedes Benz and we had this house with a pond and horses and things. i get what it's like to be used. i've had my own money before too. like i said, i've not been rich, rich. but at one point, i had enough money to impress some of even my former private school friends, who went onto private ivy-league educations. i invested my money and bought my own house and gave expensive gifts and wore very nice clothing and knew a little bit about taste.

i was used. sure. i totally know how it feels to be used. i've been used before, and actually, i was MORE "PARANOID" then, than i have ever been POOR. because when you have something, like money, you wonder who is liking you and for what reason. i was MOST paranoid, in my life, when i actually had a little money and owned my own house at such a young age.

i was, literally, paranoid. and i DID have men come to me, who wanted to marry me not just for what i had to offer, in my LOOKS, but for my HOUSE too, and some of them would actually come out and tell me this or joke about it, which was sort of funny, but while i was laughing i was wondering if there was some truth behind the jokes. one guy kept saying i was the perfect wife for a musician because i had stability and this house and everything. it is a crazy thing to think, considering where i am right now. the exact reverse. but that was just ONE man, telling me how useful i could be, for my various assets. another guy wanted to marry me--actually, at that time in my life, there were a lot of men who wanted to marry me and I kept thinking, "is this because of my house and they think i'll be a good sugarmama?"

i didn't need a man for any financial reason at all. i had a ton of friends, and i figured some were using me a little bit, but i thought most were true. As it turned out, most were NOT true, or they were true, but everyone has a breaking point.

but i do understand how it is to be used, and i also understand how it is to feel paranoid about that, and also, the other thing i used to be paranoid about, was how exactly to manage my money. it's really stressful. the more money and assets you have, the more stressful it is. when i had it in a house primarily, i didn't worry about it bc i made a very good business decision and i knew it from the start so i knew i was getting interest out of it. but then when i sold it, i was reading all these books about annuities and stocks and bonds and mutual funds and i was so confused about where to put what.

so! i gave it all away.

voila! yes, it's true. the nouveau riche cannot be trusted to know how to manage their money unless they are...Jewish?!!! or scottish?!!!!!!!!! lol just kidding. in my family we're both (or, we have both), so i should have known better. but i just wanted to say i understand how it is to be paranoid about some things.

which is why i find absolute poverty to be completely FREEING and also, not a place to stay for very long. my last year or two i don't put upon myself. but if i seem to accept help agreeably, it's because i ditched the pride thing and decided i deserved the assistance of others, inasmuch as i did the same when i had money. i have learned some things though. like, how to tip a normal amount and not a whole $1or $2 every single day for a small cup of coffee, just because i think someone is going to really appreciate it and it will make them happy.

i have no idea why i just wrote all of this. i have no idea why it matters. i guess i've never written about paranoia of the rich though, and i wanted to write that out. at some point, you have to trust your instincts. you have to figure out what you want, at the moment or long term and if it will help you achieve your goals or happiness or both, and then you make a decision based on what is best for you and your values.

also, i think someone really loves me a lot. i also think there is money somewhere, too, and i don't know what matches up with what but i don't care in the end. i think to myself, i can't even see the faces very clearly. i still feel very, very, confused about some things. i am really, truly, thinking about my son and what is best for him and i seriously am just thinking of it. for all of my intuition, i am still confused about some things. i just have to make my decision based on what is right for me and my son.

i don't know what that means for me exactly but i don't like it when people, or men, don't trust me or respect me enough to know what kind of person i am at the core. yes, i have asked for assistance, but i've asked for it upfront, not deviously plotting and planning to ensnare someone unsuspecting. and i'm honest, in general, about my feelings.

on one hand, i am prepared to marry on monday
and go to my son with a partner
and i think i would be happy with that sort of arrangement.
on the other hand, i am ready to go all by myself except i don't have any money to fight with. i am very concerned about going with nothing.

it is alvaro's birthday tonight and he wants to go out
but i am thinking i might take up my own hotel room

on one hand, i want to at least give him a kiss for his birthday
and i DO want to go out dancing and drinking a little

but what do i do?

i need to have a psych eval and it's better to do it in Washington D.C. area
and i have plenty of things about the STATE that I am happily thinking about taking to the psychologist they set me up.

Exxon has been really good to me in a lot of ways but in other ways, i feel there hasn't been trust. On one hand, who else has come through for me? I haven't seen anyone else stepping forward to take my hand at this time. So I look at Exxon and think he's been there even if I don't always like how or in what way. I haven't seen anyone else lately, who is telling me they want to ... I like this one "For You I Will (Confidence)" by Teddy Geiger. I feel that's what I need from someone. I need to know what is real. What is in the heart of hearts from someone.

And you know, when I just wrote that, I felt a very powerful and very positive energy that this is right. That something is very good and very right, but has to go to another level of understanding. I love this song: "Realize" by Colbie Caillat. I know something very positive is happening right now, at this moment. I feel that same kind of energy I really noticed strongly, earlier today.

i like Anna Nalick's "Wreck of the Day" a lot, it's good writing there. Pretty depressing though. I say, pretty depressing. Absolutely depressing. Sort of one of those "Okay, fine, Braveheart, give up." One of those, "If you can't make it through the wreck, well, you don't want to be a patrol officer in the first place. Should start looking for another job and something that you will love. Ya gotta love what you do, and WHO you do." One of those, "It's not YOU, it's ME" songs.

I like "With You" by Jessica Simpson.

Exxon came in and laughed when I said, "Oh yeah! it's your birthday! tu feliz navidad!" and he laughed and said no, it's not christmas. I meant feliz cumpleanos.

I am going to tell him, in the car, tonight, that I'm staying at a hotel tonight or tomorrow.

I have to go now and I'm going to go out to some club near DC I guess, to go dancing.