Dying, As Far As I Know & my dream last night

I'm getting all the dying music again. I thought it had something to do with Chris, but he didn't act like it did when I saw him and he was finally referring to Nikki as "we" all the time, taking ownership of the fact that they've been "partners" before they ever came into town together and tried to hide it from everyone.

I used to think maybe Chris had once had a wife and that she died in a plane crash or something, because he acted strange about some things, or that someone he knew had died in a plane crash. Then, I thought, when someone pointed out the spider an spiderweb thing, I thought, that's odd and at first imagined they were brother and sister. but then he's staring at her boobs and she's getting PISSED about ME although never caring about any of his other lovers. and they never told anyone either!

pisses me off, this dying music again. I think, if someone is dying, I deserve to know.

If someone is NOT dying, and all this drama for nothing, when I got soooo worried the other day, i am very pissed and manipulated.

if someone IS dying, and this is being kept from me, and it's someone I know, I am going to be really, really, upset. because that is uncalled for and mean, to keep something like that from me.

this man just walked by the window and he had an enormous growth on the left side of his face. huge. i don't think it's possible to have a growth like that and not be dying. it was larger than a baseball and his skin was stretched over it.

if someone is really dying, and they are connected to me, they somehow have access to the radio station people at the stations i listen to.

when i was first listening to this station today, it was all about an angel and a ton of angel songs. so, all these angel songs and about someone who had already died. then, it was normal music stuff. like, a normal mix. then, back to death and dying songs. and this is a different genre of station, but it's still the same company and i'm still using the same computer.

i had a dream last night. i think it was a dream but i don't know if it was something else...I mean, it seems like it really happened. I thought about it, because all these guys wearing red have been walking by and smiling or winking. I do not know what the hell is going on, because it feels like something on a spiritual or "other" plane.

anyway, so a couple walked by and i thought about the dream i had. in my dream, for whatever reason, chris dabney and alvaro were in it. they were on two different sides. one side was wearing blue and the other side was wearing red. they were both in gangs or something.

but, like i said, they knew eachother somehow. and then, i saw chris was wearing blue. and alvaro was wearing red. i was in the middle. one told me to give up the color or to give me the color that i was meant to have.

but it was weird. they were saying, so she's blue, and then the others were saying i was red. i couldn't tell in the dream though, if it was that they were in a gang like the crips and bloods type of thing, or north-south type of thing. i don't know. it was a weird dream. it seemed so real, that when i woke up i thought they had actually spoken with eachother.

they talked to eachother.

there is some kind of significance with the red thing. when i went to the courthouse the first time with alvaro, there was a big group of guys in the corner outside who were giving him thumbs up. then, later, i had some in red acting really friendly and another one, out of the blue, one day, spitting after me, in a bad way. like, a mean spit type of thing. then, like i said, after i wrote a post that i was marrying alvaro on monday, all these guys in bright red come by nodding, smiling, and sort of thumbs up.

i have no idea what is fucking going on.

what IS this? oh, i forgot...showtime? where's the leftie who was telling me it's showtime, wearing all the puma stuff like a. wears, along with other guys who were coming up to me in puma stuff. what's the deal with puma besides?

anyway, i don't really remember what red is about. red and blue stuff...i forgot.