images

blackhawk & dove,
first thing on my mind this morning,
this image and my old fashioned ledger
now in my hands, running through a field of green
a little girl in a cotton dress, a woman,
looking for a tree with golden apples
full of worms all of them, and surrounded by gates
still, there are numbers on the ledger
running without the metal slate,
doing a round-off, facing back
promising pay back with talent
one more look. promising loyalty.
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like "mary did you know". christmas again but it made me cry through the whole song. liked "lost romance" by dann tyminski. "shady grove" by doc watson. lol. lots of songs about harlan and shady grove. i live near a town called shady grove and i think of the town instead of a grove of trees. i really, really, like mindy smith's "fighting for it all". could sing this one from my heart. i mean, listen to the lyrics. very true. "you can try to keep me down, you can try to keep me under, but you'll never take my will, you'll never take my will to fight."
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it's almost 10 p.m. and I slept from 5-10. I was exhausted. A. went out with Henry, don't know where. I'm hungry and finished off a maple bar I bought today. I have to get directions for going to a couple of places tomorrow. I wasn't able to get my account number in time before the bank closed so I'm doing that tomorrow. i felt like being a recluse today and didn't want to be in public. just felt like i wanted more privacy today so stayed at home most of the day. i prefer being with people, but then when one of my haunts becomes too predictable, i like to find something else. sometimes, i want to be easily found and other times, i want to be absolutely anonymous. i love sunglasses.
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"the calling" by mary chapin carpenter is very powerful lyrically. i'm going to look up the symbolism of blackhawks and doves tonight and try to find information on legal colleges in the area. i need to find a law library for drafting a motion for "out of time" to appeal the state case and also ask for an extension. "i still miss someone" i like the music of both roseanne and johnny cash. i was thinking today, as i was writing henry's name down...i like the name henry. i don't know why, but i do. i almost named my son, oliver, henry. Granny said that was the name of her father (one from Luxembourg). i also very nearly added an "edward" into my son's name but it was already a mouthful. i think it's nice to have a lot of names to choose from legally because then it's easy to pick out if you get tired of the other or want to be more anonymous. but i do like henry as a name. i need to find some girlfriends for going out and dancing. i was going to go out with pilar but got home too late on saturday.
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tie it on your toe if you have to hide. the fool by lee ann womak. galileo. my favorite, one of my favorite songs. love "the fool" and the lyrics. makes me feel someone loves me. i have something really interesting to tell. interesting discussion with a. he laughed so hard when i told him he said he is going to help me, no strings attached. i will tell you what we talked about in a moment but he reminded me to eat so i'm having soup and we're going to watch a movie tonight. it was a funny conversation i have to repeat. i am really so in love in with someone. i really am so happy about my decision and i am waiting for something special. but at the same time, everything is turning around. i am getting "ahead", in different ways with better friendships and this whole breaking off the engagment is turning into a surprising and wonderful thing--the reactions of others are more supportive. speed of the sound of lonliness by griffith is so pretty. anyway, in some ways i feel i am a help to someone out there who is also helping me but from afar. i don't know how to describe it, it's more intuition. i have felt prayers from others, and it helped me decide to break off the engagement. one of the strongest times i sensed this vibe of penetrating positive energy. breaking me down totally and opening up my mind. i also feel like i there are some people out there who are secret admirers as friends. i don't know how to explain, but i feel protected in many ways. i didn't feel that protection for a long time, but in the last many months, even in some strange situations, i felt someone somewhere was keeping an eye on me. i didn't have that for the longest time. something is stronger in the world, and i think i'm going to come out of all of this stronger and hopefully, as someone who can help others too. i asked a. to come over to me tonight and i gave him a big hug and said everything was going to be fine. i feel this, that there is hope. even when i'm pissed and speak my mind and don't know where to run to, and want to rally my own little army because i'm so pissed, i still think that tide is maybe turning a little bit. maybe? i hope so. and, i would like to think...people who are misunderstood, who can't trust others, whether important or not, rich or poor, that they know i empathize and i hope i can be a sounding board for others in the future too.

i have to eat, but then i'm going to write out my conversation with a.

i want to make the world a better place, with a partner who feels the same way. a. wants this for people too, that's not why we broke it off. he and i are on the same page, and really, it's the better as friends thing. so it's working out. i keep thinking about "fried green tomatoes" and those women on the train. so many good values and philosophies in that movie. i am very in love. i can't wait until i am able to be with, or have my secret meetings, somehow. i don't need to reveal my love or identities to the world. "the fire" by cheryl wright probably describes me. lol. i like it.

"i would have loved you anyway" is such a good song. i heard it coming from the other room where we're watching a revolutionary war movie about che guevaro and fidel and then i think we're getting another later. i am taking a break for about an hour to hang out with them. i was like "what's this?" ooooh...revolutionary war movie? count me in. i had to add a little hot sauce to the colombian soup. i like colombian food a lot but i have to say, spicy is still my favorite. some like it hot. lucy kapersky "come away with me tonight. you don't need a spotlight--you just need a home." bella, bella. another one that suits me, one for the homeless heart.

back at 1:30 a.m. and we all watched the end of a movie called CHE but I was told there are better ones so we're going to watch some others later. Also watched "Grandma's Boy" and my favorite part, where I laughed the most, was in the beginning, and then at the pot scene with Grandma, where the silver fox lady says she forgot to trim her antlers and then cracks up laughing. I laughed so hard. And then when the Grandma says seriously to her grandson, that she can hear her hair growing. hahahaaaa. So funny.

The conversation I had with ex was he asked me, for some reason, where my money was, if I had owned a house and sold it. I told him I had given the money away and he just stared at me. I started crying and he started laughing, saying "What?!" and I said I had thought, in faith, if I gave to others, it would come back to me but it didn't. He said, in Spanish, that I was going to heaven and he was going to hell. And he said when I was in heaven, maybe I could bail him out. I said, "Maybe prefiero hell y pregunta ti por an avion a inferierno porque tu tienes el dinero y es mas divertido." So we were laughing. There was more, and the exchange in Spanish was very funny, but I can't remember now. I should have written it when it was still fresh.

Going to bed before it's too late to rise early (ahem...earlier). Good night. You know what 80s song I really liked hearing, which comes to mind now, is that "Right On Track". like it.
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adoni, give me a tree to climb
a race to run through winding hills
a place to rest where no one can see me
annoint me and pour your grace into me
a river flowing from my mouth and fingertips
remind me how it is to feel the power
coming unexpectedly, a gift i don't own
cannot summon at will, but one which brings
life to the dying, peace where there is no peace
breaking through like the sun,
your message of hope to others, having nothing
to do with me or my skill, but only being
willing to be the vessel
in my imperfection you are perfect
in my weakness you prove your strength
giving me freedom to choose my course,
remind us that our future is in our own hands
but that there is room for miracles
give us the ability to see the balance between
the seen and the unseen, logic and faith
perspective for breaking tradition
wisdom for retaining what is good
bless every one of us, kings and queens
in our own right, paupers in our failures
striving in our flesh, expectant in our souls
amen