I'm a Real Bitch & CPS Should Know Why

I realized something tonight. I sort of figured this out when I was hospitalized for over 5 days, but I realized, I am a BITCH when I'm in pain. I mean, I'm not as social, and I'm contrary, and not funny or witty, and I lose it over the smallest thing and get PISSED off about the whole world and start thinking about starting my own country, when I am in pain.

I noticed, because I took ONE Percocet, and then some Advil too because my back still hurt after the Percocet, and I was like a totally different person. Normal, and myself. The way I was before I had the painful pregnancy and miscarriage and then assault.

I had no idea how much my MOOD is affected by my pain. It's natural, I guess, but I just LOSE it. And that was after taking 2 Valium too. I'm actually STILL in pain now, but it's manageable. I'm not really, really, suffering. And then I'm wanting to help Pilar with her legal stuff (I helped her just a little bit already, for an IRS matter), and I'm being nice to Alvaro, and I'm delighted to find this guitar on the side of the room and tried to tune it (breaking a string), and I apologized to Henry for being anti-social (in my room) and bitchy. I told him too, it's difficult to know who to trust in this town, and I'm stressed out, and then add pain to the whole combo, along with ZERO money, and I'm just not even myself. It's not even a mental or anxiety issue. It's just legitimate pain.

I didn't realize it though. For one split second, I thought maybe I AM frickin' manic, but then I realized, no, I'm just a pessimistic, sad, mad, and fighting angry bitch because of pain and it's nobody's fault.

One thing that pissed me off, though, was this physician's assistant, who came in with a thin line around her neck, under her chin, and it looked like she'd had a major trauma with a slice to her neck or something. She was telling me how addictive Percocet was and going ON and ON about how SHE couldn't work on it and she had pain but just used heat now and then and anti-inflammatories. Okay, the deal with her neck did NOT look good, but at the same time, I am thinking, if she can walk around fine and feels good WORKING, then she is NOT in the kind of pain I'M in!

Some people can work through the pain, and other times, it's just not even possible to WORK unless you treat that pain.

I feel sort of bad about castigating all Catholics again. I was pissed at my ex. But my last date was very good and he seems decent and I liked him. I am also, for once, starting to meet MORE Catholics who are being really friendly with me, which is nice. Like, this guy with red hair who looked Irish, wearing army scrubs and he had a gold chain for a cross beneath his shirt and he was so nice to me and told me how much cortisone helped HIM. And also, then this discharge nurse with a crucifix gave me papers and she was really nice to me as well. A really lovely woman. So it's nice.

I told A. my main issue has been it's all over the place, the promises. What I'm told and then what happens is always different. I can't handle shifting sands like that and I don't tell someone something if I can't follow through--at least I try not to. That's been my biggest issue and the fact I've felt controlled.

I shouldn't just jump ship though and say I'm only looking to the Muslims now. I mean, then I start generalizing and grouping. But it REALLY is difficult to know who to trust after what I've been through and it's NOT paranoia. It's legitimate and warrranted. Even Henry, tonight, said it was okay and said, "You know what? I don't trust ANYBODY" and he was serious. He's normal too, in general, as far as I can tell, so it makes me feel a little better.

I so easily believe anything someone tells me.

I was so pissed at the treatment I got tonight, again, that I wanted Alvaro to be shipped back to wherever. I told him I think he has a legitimate problem with consistency and honesty and that maybe even counseling would help because he's been lying so long he doesn't even know when to stop.

But then, after feeling better, I think, you know, he says he cannot find work in Colombia at all. So, if he is generally a good person with just a major honesty problem, well, today he was looking at joining the military. Pilar, the woman we're staying with, her son is in the Marines and received a purple heart. So I think to myself, as Alvaro is grinning over the idea of joining the military, well, if that's what he WANTS, and if he really wants to be a U.S. citizen so badly he's willing to join the military...I don't know, it's his life and maybe that is his path. He was grinning ear to ear and describing how he could enter and then receive a full citizenship within 3 years. He kept saying "CITIZEN! not resident!" I said, well, Latinos have a very good track record for receiving the most awards for valor and service and bravery, per capita, than any other group in the U.S. military...which is when Pilar piped up that her son (who is Latino) received a purple heart. So I said to Alvaro, "You said you haven't even handled a gun" and he said he could do something different in the military. So, if he wants to go that route, that might be good for him.

I'm not perfect, and I have good and bad, and he's not perfect, but I just can't handle his imperfections, for me, on a daily basis. AND, I don't know that we'd be friends after everything. Because he's really done a lot of dirt.

I've also felt so pressured to WORK and I WOULD if I could. It's not my fault I have these injuries. It is my INTENTION to work, but I cannot do this when I am literally suffering and not holding up. The more someone pressures me about working, the more I think, "Shut up and just give me what I want" because I HAVE worked very hard in my life, and done a lot of good, and after all that some people have TAKEN from me, and ROBBED me of, I feel justified that I should be compensated for what has happened to me.

I have not been "set back" because of my own problems, or because of "mental illness" or anything. I have been held back and harassed, deliberately, by individuals who WANTED to bury me in slander and keep me down. People who have and still do, HATE me and who have covered for their crimes and actions by defaming ME. And they know who they are.

I told Alvaro, you know, if you don't have something, that's OKAY. It's okay to not have this or that or not want to do something, but don't TELL me about all these things and then back out. AND, I said, what the hell with the Colombian embassy woman who is askingn me what kind of car I want and would I like to own a minicooper?

I mean, at the beginning, I was being offered the moon. Then, it was like "how cheap can we get her." It really sucked. I thought, if it got me any closer to my son, that's what I needed.

I have no idea. I need help but maybe it will come from some of the unexpected Irish Catholics, or Italian mobsters, and Muslim Patriots, and Pakistani pals and London intellectuals, and maybe some hardworking American and Latino people too. I don't know. I just know, what I've said about the things that have happened here, HAVE happened. I DO believe I deserve compensation and justice and crimes have been committed against me.

I am only sorry I am more of a bitch than usual because I don't even know how much the pain is wearing me down. And it's not pain that is my fault.

I am really looking forward to my doctor's appointment on Wednesday. The doctor tonight was going to offer me steroids, prednisone, but I declined because I know already that the Percocet has helped THIS kind of pain. I also didn't know if it was a good idea when I had slight bleeding the other day, and it wasn't from a period. So I want to be sure the miscarriage stuff is done. I WOULD like to maybe try the steroid patch thing or whatever for short term, to see if helps pain, if cortisone doesn't work.

Honestly though, according to all the literature, the fact that I have one leg that goes numb and incontinence at times, this indicates something more serious and I've had it since the traumatic childbirth when I got the first herniated disc and cauda equina. This is what was getting really bad when the state, CPS, was telling me to take a bus for hours and claiming I had no problems. Even my PD did nothing for me, acting like there was nothing wrong and no doctors were covering anything up. But, I'm reading, from even the literature they give you at discharge at the hospital, SITTING makes this condition worse because it aggravates and puts pressure on the disc rupture issue, and THIS perfectly explains why I was having such pain. CPS didn't care and they refused to accomodate me. Not only that, there WERE and ARE records enough to PROVE I had damages and yet these were conveniently MISSING from the court hearings.

Now I have even more evidence. My condition improved somewhat with time and when I wasn't sitting all the time, because waitressing was on my feet. But after the assault, it disrupted the whole old disc problem (which never fully went away) and I got a NEW one too.

I really need to get documentation on my pelvic and tailbone problems and then I'll be set. I told A., and he agreed with me, if I had INSURANCE, these doctors, or someone, would have operated and done surgery to fix the cauda equina. It's not gone away and gets worse with certain positions. But I didn't and don't have insurance.

I really think someone else should be responsible for my medical bills. I have so much evidence for medical malpractice it's not even funny. And, now, I have evidence of damages from assault too.

But I was never delusional. I was right. And when all the doctors said there was nothing wrong with my pregnancy, I was the one who was right. And when I said my miscarriage was not complete...I was the one who was right. Why?

Because I have excellent judgement, I know my own body, and it's not "in my head".

I listened to Lady Gaga's Poker Face. My ex asked me, as I was singing, to keep it down. I really, really, need to live in a house where I can practice singing. Where everyone is gone and the neighbors don't care, or where I can be in a nearby space to work things out and think and be creative again.

I saw that guitar in the corner and was so excited, and I was trying to tune it (in vain because the strings wouldn't even hold the notes they are so old) and then one sprang off. It was weird, because just this very morning, or last night, I was thinking, "I wish I had a guitar so I could try to write again and think of some melodies" I was going to ask my Dad to send me my Martin, but he won't. I have the nicest 3/4 size Martin (like the smaller ones because they fit my frame) except the neck is slightly, unnoticeably until you play it, warped. So it's a killer to hold the strings down. But I want to practice. I'll never be an instrumentalist, believe me, it's not my gift at all. But it helps to have it around for hammering things out, rough.

I really could not be happier for Lady Gaga. I was an immediate believer in her talent and I'm so excited she's doing well. I called that one, and would have called that one, before even Canada and the UK were onto her. I sort of wonder why she was tried out in the other countries first? I think she, and her videos, are brilliant.

Oh, and I put my bracelet back on. I took it off for the first time and then, at the hospital, before I got the Percocet or even went in, I just had to put it back on. I don't know why but it was given to me by a friend who is dear to me and there is some connection, for me, to this piece. I feel incomplete without it.

I have to say, something about the ring, my engagement ring, had a pull on me too. Like it wasn't really from my fiance or something. I liked it, and it was pretty. But I can live without it I guess. There was a connection to it though, and I don't know why. It wasn't because it was jewelry or a diamond or anything. I had to give that one back though, on principle.

Today I sang, on my recorder, "Somewhere Over the Rainbow" and "Summertime" for my son. I also sang Viva la Vida and Fix You. Fix you was the first I sang. And Heaven Forbid. I heard She Is by the fray too and liked it. My voice is so-so on alternate, depending on the song. I can do bluesy or cabaret better. I also do sound a little Irish I guess, don't know why, in my folk stuff. Sang "Down to the River to Pray" a capella and...Sophisticated Lady and Somewhere (Beyond the Sea). It was all rough. I can sing to Lady Gaga well but I'm not very original--she does the song justice herself and I don't think I can interpret it better, or send it out better. Communicate? is that the word?

Going to bed. Tomorrow, a new woman. Thank you God for medicine.

On news...Just got it from the web, a bit today. So happy to read the Iran and U.S. wrestling match thing. That was great. It's exactly what I'd like to see all of our world musicians and singers do.

On Ireland, very sad for the situation. Don't break the peace. At least not the ceasefire. It's important.

On Pakistan, I will have to follow the politics more. I just love Pakistani's for their culture, hospitality, and our joint love of Diana. I don't know too much about the political issues. Will have to read more. Something about protests and justices and stuff. Don't understand the situation.

You know who we, my date and I, talked about? Well, it was my question, but I had to ask and wanted someone else's opinion. I said, "Do you think Osama bin ladin would ever change his views?" which also connects to Taliban. We had this really interesting exchange about this and the Middle East and I was so impressed with his viewpoint and how eloquent he was. We seemed to be in agreement too. I asked about Osama in the middle of the movie Pineapple Express. Oh, and on the movie, that other larger guy is more famous, but you know, the dealer did a great job for his character too. Really, it was understated and well done. Dry.