images of canada and how to say "i'm sorry"

canadian embassy

ingrid knutson
lied to, at the embassy, so she wouldn't
feel too sympathetic.
more libel against me so the diplomats will not learn
this rhetoric of my being crazy
isn't true.
i am the deceiver, the wolf in sheeps costume
the loon, the one howling at the moon for diana
as if she could be reborn
my wool is stuck to the ice, to the ice
you keep pulling on my hair
asking me if it's real or a wig
i already told you and how many times do i need to
tell you
i am the one who was deceived

look at these...did you see the radiology?

you've had a choice, to believe in me or not
you have a choice, now, to compensate me freely
or to keep your fucking head in the sand
pretending not to know a thing
telling me to walk on water
is the cup of coffee half empty or half full?
you whisper to me "wait for the freeze"
aha, something inbetween possibility
i will walk on the water in the winter
when you are pouring a hot stream of liquid
into a hole for fishing

i met ingrid at the steps, along with another man
who was also easy and looked at me with concern
wondering too, why the other woman was trying
to bar me from the doors
knowing my "case" was different
and i knew they were people who could help me
whom some of the others wanted to turn around, to
make them believe some fabricated thing

i kept her card and her name in my heart
never calling but believing
it was the summer after last spring

(this one is in reference to a woman i met when i first arrived in d.c. and wanted to clear my name about the false claim by the canadian border guard, that i had tried to enter canada again and how he forced me to "withdraw" my attempt, by telling me if i didn't sign the paper, i would be put in jail and arrested by them right then and there. so i showed up in d.c. and went to the canada embassy and there were some people there who acted like they KNEW who i was and they were trying to keep me out, and telling me to go to some other immigration line and i told them, this has nothing to do with immigration. it was about border people lying about me and smearing me on a canadian record. so as i was walking away, two people came out of a car with "diplomat" license plates. you know, well people here know what it looks like. for others, outside of the area, it's an actual license plate that shows diplomatic status, regardless of country. it's blue and marked with dip or something like that. so, i was walking down the steps, and these two blond-haired individuals came walking up, and they were both really nice. one was ingrid and after they heard me explaining what i was trying to do, they said what the others had done was incorrect and they looked concerned. ingrid gave me her card. then, someone talked to them and suddenly, they looked at me differently after coming in from downstairs. they got me in the door and i was waiting to speak with someone but someone inside the offices talked to people about me, smeared me again, and they sent me on my way. i kept ingrid's car and she was really friendly, just very down to earth, and pleasant, and i later saw she was some kind of attorney. i have never called her or emailed her, to this day. i just kept her card. and thought about her today. and wrote something about her. i've got a lot of cards from people all over the world but even if i'm asking for someone to meet me here, and help me with a loan, i feel someone will come to me if they want to help me. i put it out there. i HAVE called different people, at various times, for help, but i don't call everyone because i don't want to bother people. i don't know how to explain it. i'm bold and i'm shy at the same time. chris d. knows this. he saw me approach people in a chatty way but i also never wanted to stand at the door and be the conspicious 'greeter' and i felt awkward directing people to take a table with me.
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two steel pipes side by side
orifice into the ground
groundhog day is here again
technology has come around
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i feel depressed again today, and it's horrid. and then i hear more dying songs. now i wonder if mike, the mike i knew from blaine, washington, is the one dying.? i have no idea but i think someone is dying and i don't know who. it would seem, if it was chris, nikki would know about it. what's strange, is that anohter song i used to sing all the time is playing. it is like someone got ahold of all my music or something and i'm starting to think...i'm starting to remember...i think i left a big box of some of my tapes with me singing ideas and songs, in the trunk of my car which i was forced to leave behind in canada. so whoever got my car, got all of my tapes. or at least, a lion's share. it was a very large shoebox full of cassette tapes with ideas. i had others, and some of them, my father has found and later told me he had. so my father has some of my tapes with ideas. someone who got my car in canada has quite a lot. and then there are others, scattered around in my storage.

i feel seriously depressed. there is also a strip from a photo booth, in black of white, with me and my son together, laughing and making faces. the ability of my son to make these different expressions was really amazing, considering his age. it's a kindred spirit photo strip--transcending mother and son to just very tight and inseparable souls. you can see this, in that strip. but yeah, someone has probably already bought my car. they said it would be auctioned off and i'm sure it ws auctioned off and someone has a huge cache of my music. well, not huge. and some of my hair and nail samples which i had saved, in order to prove i was not a drug user and I had strands of hair to show years worth of not using anything. Thanks for telling me, whoever took my car. If my car isn't there anymore, thanks for not returning it to me. I don't know, maybe I'll find out it's still in the parking lot but I highly doubt it.
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this woman came in and i noticed her right away because of the way she was dressed--creatively and very artsy and colorful. i thought "london" when i saw her but she's american and was passing out brochures for dance. a dance performance that's doing a tour. i don't know if i'll be able to go or not but we'll see. i'll probably go since it's basically next door. she was sort of interesting because she combined an art major with administration. which is a challenging combination i think--not everyone can do that--be artsy and also have an administrative or business side. but she was both and she was good at her marketing too. i don't really dress the way i used to. i used to be much more creative but now i just stick to classic because it lasts longest and if it's in good materials and well made, it's better for the budget. but i like scarves and more artsy things too.
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i am going to a church tomorrow to speak about something with someone. it's confidential, but i'm taking care of something and it's not a confession either.
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i am getting married on Monday. i am applying for the license thing on Monday. and i am going to my son right after and raising hell with the state.
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no one asked me
no, someone asked me but no one was listening
since 5 p.m. someone was praying
thank goodness, something changed
something lifted
but what thing
i don't want a cage, i want to fly free
i want me, me, me, me, and one baby
someone told me nothing is free
i'm not a puppy, i'm not a cat
everyone is so incredibly happy
i wanted a loan
no one wants to give me a loan
or my independence
i have a chaperone
i am a tube of toothpaste
everyone wants to squeeze me
one wants to roll me from the end-up
another wants to squeeze me in the middle
i am yelling "leave me alone"
somebody lost the cap
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(soooo weird. all day, very depressed and then about an hour ago, sudden lifting of the whole bad vibe to something very positive. i don't know why. i am NOT kidding. i am totally screwed up too, because i thought, all day, that today was saturday. i'm such an idiot, i really thought it was saturday. so i was going to get a p.o. box...and then didn't, thinking they weren't open. because i thought it was saturday and not friday. a lot of people are suddenly very happy about something but i don't know what it is.

what was also really weird, was that i had this flash of something...my being in a high position in my future. i don't know why. but i went to the restroom and had this very odd feeling something big is ahead. i don't know what though and all i can see is same ole-same ole.) i need to go. i want to go to this dance thing.

you know what i want? i don't want a romance, or a fairytale, or anything but something very simple and why is that SO hard? why can't i just see some fucking accountability and apologies and the immediate return of my son and good name?

so many cowards in this world. so many cowards.