To My New Friend

I had to have someone pick me up. I couldn't drive home all the way. I had cramps, and took Percocet, and I felt light-headed after realizing something. I tried to finish driving home, but after Taco Bell, no way.

This is the thing...I don't think I would be reacting so loudly and crazily, if I had a liiiiiittle more control over all of this. I have had so many questions, about too many things, and I was entangling the identities of too many people into one entity and trying to sort out a huge gnarly knot.

Despite my "outing" and naming, I have no desire to name those whom I know are "for" me. How much information have I put out about my three closest friends whom I've known since I was 15? Just about NOTHING.

The only reason I put all these names out there, is because I do not feel safe, and have not felt safe, for a long time. I had vandalisms, harassment, and assaults, and I didn't know who was connected to whom. When I was able to put it out to the public, I felt safer in that, I thought, if some are connected to do me harm, maybe others will be paying attention and can protect me or save me. So, I felt, putting everything out into the open, was the best way to protect myself. As for my family, that was different. For my family stuff, it's the only time I've put it in public because I was so upset they didn't help me with my son, I had had it, AND I was tired of others asking ME what MY problem was and why didn't my own FAMILY help me? It was hurting me and my situation with my son, for the state and others to think my family was totally normal and I was the one with problems.

There are some, who do not deserve to be dragged into my life or my blog, but whom I am still friends with or whom I want to meet in person, privacy intact.

I understand WHY it's easier to go through others, to speak to me, because I seem to be a loose cannon who would say anything and everything, and because of the whole situation...I understand. But what happens, is when I don't KNOW, I have so many problems already in my life, I begin to mix things together, like poor Will Wagler, whose entire family was probably wondering why I was so mean as to say their son wanted to fuck me in the ass. Sorry about the language there, but can you imagine their horror. They are this conservative Christian family and the father is a pastor. I mean...I owe Will Wagler a MAJOR apology and a huge retraction in my blog. Chris is NOT Will Wagler. But I mixed things up, because I didn't know where all this stuff was coming from. I thought too, maybe there are about THREE different men who actually are trying to reach out to me, in friendship or even romance, but I'm confusing them all together, and THEY, for very GOOD reason, are afraid of me and what I might say. I do NOT blame them. But I got very screwed up, and then just LOST it.

Not only that, here I am thinking someone is trying to make an appointment for me with a DOCTOR at a PSYCH WARD in PENNSYLVANIA. I mean, I'm jumbling about five different things together and confusing my messengers with the senders. I am shooting all of them, everyone, messenger, sender, and recipient. I've shot myself in the foot more than once and scared EVERYONE away.

Can you expect me to be reacting normally though? Given all of this? So please forgive me, those who are innocently trying to reach me, whom I want to know more with all my heart.

That does not include Chris Dabney. I am too disappointed and with him, I don't know what is going on. I like him, but I have questions now that I know he is not Will Wagler and therefore should not have so much information about me. I was and probably am still, a little bit in love with him. But I'm not a swinger, and it hurts my feelings to be passed around and I think it's suspect as well. It doesn't make me feel good about myself. It's one thing to have someone making mistakes around you, and another to be lying outright about everything, being mean, and then ignoring you when you needed them the most. It's not okay. It is not "right" and I deserve good things, and not through some kind of hand-me-down offering to Curly, Moe, and Joe. I took my bracelet off tonight.

I think maybe I had about four people mixed up together, if psych hospital isn't one of the offerings. I think there was Chris, and then someone who just happened to be a doctor, and then one other person. One of these individuals cannot speak to me in person because of complications and if I've figured this out correctly, I understand. But this has put me through a lot. I've passed the tests, in that I have adored and been friends with the person behind the mask, not knowing. I just need a little more certainty, about who it is I'm speaking to, because I'm too sharp not to know but then I doubt myself and then I get reaaaally screwed up in my thoughts, bouncing from one possibility to the next.

There was one situation that I read about, where, again I go to Princess Diana like she's my guru or something...but she was getting into the car with the driver, and her driver was in full disguise, all nervous and panicking and arranging his fake moustache and everything and she looked at him and said, "What on EARTH are you doing?" or something to that effect, and he said, "Well, you know, they might seee me!" and she said, "I'M the PRINcess!"

Well guess what? I'M the princess. Think of it like that.

I'm concerned about my privacy where it matters, and don't care to drag myself or others into things where my safety is secure and I know the individuals are deserving of privacy because there is no way they intend to do me any harm. And there are people I would like to know better, whom I could have better conversations with, and feel free to ask more interesting questions, if I knew who I was talking to. I understand however, that this is enormous because it's a huge burden of trust to place upon someone like me, who is spouting off about everything. But I can keep some secrets and everyone needs a friend and needs to feel they are safe to share some exchanges in confidence. I know this. I need friends I can trust and maybe there are a couple of people whose lives are so weird, like mine but in a different way, who need souls they can trust too, on a very basic human level of being known and loved for themselves and nothing more. Without any expectations for anything, at all. Rich or poor, powerful or not, whatever. I get that. But it's been hard for me to figure this out and half the time I wonder if I AM really losing my mind at last.

It may be hard to trust me or anyone for that matter, but how easy is it for me to trust this voice that comes at me from even the donkey of Paul Barnabas? Oh, that sounds schitz the way I just worded that! But you know what I mean.

I have people trying to put me in JAIL, okay? I have had very weird, serious, shit happen to me. It is not a good idea for me to never question all these things. I need to feel safe with what I'm sharing and who I'm sharing it with. Like the next person, but in my own strange way, sometimes more.

Maybe it's not possible for me to have some friendships, because of who I am. Because of who some others are. But there are some I really identify with, not in a weird way, but I think I'm starting to clue in a little bit, and I just need more certainty. It's not so I can go tell the whole world--it's for my peace of mind. Who the hell am I talking to and who the hell am I even in love with really? I haven't a clue sometimes.

I almost got out of my car when I was parked, at Taco Bell this evening. I didn't. I drove away.

I walked away from a lot of things today, hoping someone would know better than I, what to do. I hope that I seem more approachable in the future because I can't chase things down or read minds...not entirely. I am a normal person in this regard, just like everyone else, including you. You who are reading.

It's difficult to know who is trustworthy and who wants to use you. I have nothing, but still, I feel used sometimes and don't know what the motives are. I am also afraid and I have to be careful about things. I have honed things down to where I pick up on almost too much and then it drives me nuts. I am aware of my surroundings, when something is close enough for me to see.

I was able to see some things, some people, more clearly today and it helped me to have this focus. And then, straightaway, I felt light-headed and had to pull over more than once. I kept thinking it was low blood pressure since I took the Percocet, but it was partly from stress. I feel better NOW, however, than I did before when I was really anxious, not knowing anything.

I still don't have it all figured out. I think I had 25% of the puzzle before. Now, maybe I have 50%. I am only halfway there. I may never get any closer than that, and that's okay. But I am better, knowing a little more and seeing more clearly.

I guess I can thank myself for getting up the guts to step in a little and for others to have the guts to step in themselves. My feelings are the same I think, if this is what it is, but I still don't know. I know I love. Maybe I love a trinity or maybe it's really one and the same. But I love you.

For me that means going about my life now, and trying to get things straightened out as I've been planning anyway, without relying on this new info for back-up or in order to get more done. It is better, still, that I keep my friends out of the messy parts of my life. I just don't want my friends, old and new, to become a part of the mess or MY mess.

I'm still confused about where some things are coming from--what from who, but thank you for helping me. If possible, I want to help those who are for me, too.

That's pretty much all I wanted to say. Thank you so much. I hope someone will be able to tell me, one day, I am better looking in person. hahaaaa.

As for Chris, no, I'm not a nag. But I question things about you & what's up, however I think now that you are separate from another person I'm cluing into. As for Will Wagler, I'm sorry I defamed you and I'll clear it up. Sorry to drag your name into this, my confusion. No wonder your sister was looking at me, probably hoping to God I wasn't RIGHT about something I'd said. Oh my goodness.

I forgive C. for some things, whether he's this bad or not. But I prefer he stays out of trying to help me as some kind of friend, because what happened was wrong and I'm not into it. I am not into that lifestyle and didn't want to be dragged into it anymore than I wanted to fall for anyone, thinking they were someone else. I've thought, is she his sister? but no, no way. So it's a little weird in that case, what was going on. I don't want you to ever die though, even if I report things. I want you to be healthy and to live. C., you looked better than usual, so Nikki is taking good care of you, it's clear. You really fucked with people though, including me.

As for me, I'm going to bed. I'm tired. I'm going to listen to music tomorrow, when I wake.

Someday, hopefully, I'll be properly introduced to some of the people who would like to chat. Goodnight and sweet dreams.