images

paranoia

if i write about you
they will know
if i write about him
you will know
if i write about my indecision
everyone knows, and i am afraid to look up
things i want to look up
want to learn more about
diana,
diana's enemies,
russia and the jews,
my lips are zipped on one or two
key things
which could unlock a pandoras box
i see, say, saw, feel, hear, heard
nothing. i just need someone to pick me up
because i'm lightheaded
"my life is an open book i see"
said she, anne of green gables
someone has been submitting my work
for me, inserting a few ideas to spice it up
for the plum pudding people

is it necessary to string me between two trees?
i am a hammock? laundry line? copper wire?

for someone so dangerous i seem to be...
so out of reach.
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everyone has a yellow umbrella today
it's singing in the rain
someone is dancing on the edge of the street
someone has been praying on their knees
yellow umbrellas shivering and twirling
the end on the palm of their hands
sliding to the left and sliding to the right
jumping over the bar
behing their backs, passing the baton

on the edge of the bed
so many days too late and waiting with toes pointed forward
black heels and then my toes are inward
door shut eyes on me and the satisfied smile
of a beekeeper watching the bee

i have a wand of clinique
sticky lips for kissing, and i am thinking
i have something to give someone
for their birthday even if it's not for keeps
it's not superglue, it's nothing
just a kiss

you could be the king of england
the prince of barbados, the duke of denmark,
a princely precepts of principles and principalities
or a king of the streets, a mafia don, a mayor,
a politician, an actor others dream of at night
but if you are not mine and i am not yours
we know. we know how to see beyond
the surface
we know i could be tempted by material things
in this position, that i fall even
for sympathy, for the plight and cause of the
refugee. for the woman from the embassy
in love for the first time in her life

i have a right to consider carefully
and i do not judge others for their choices
someone needs to be loved and understood
deeply, by someone who loves them
truly, for richer & poorer; better & worse
famous or infamous

i have a right to question everything that
has been put in front of me & taken from me

sugar & spice & romance is nice
all i want is my baby
that is my dream and that is what i want for my life
i cannot see into my future or make plans
without my son

i want to be the woman leaping forward
covered in paint in that nude scene
able to take on anything with a smile

i don't need a surprise or a glass slipper
but i am not in love as far as i can see
i cannot see anything except me
and a baby. i see possibility, down the road

what i really need, is a loan
but i also need someone next to me
but i also need to be free
which means
i know nothing
and i decide on something new every day

how can i choose anything unless i am free
to know what i want and what i need?

i don't want to look up names and i've done no such thing

how long will i cling to this idea? i can't
make promises, but i promise i will always try not
to make promises i can't keep
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this song by pink "eventually" is interesting. the thing is, i already "get" it. I've never been rich, not by normal standards, but i've had people think my parents had at least a little money, when they were pulling up to pick up from school events in a Mercedes Benz and we had this house with a pond and horses and things. i get what it's like to be used. i've had my own money before too. like i said, i've not been rich, rich. but at one point, i had enough money to impress some of even my former private school friends, who went onto private ivy-league educations. i invested my money and bought my own house and gave expensive gifts and wore very nice clothing and knew a little bit about taste.

i was used. sure. i totally know how it feels to be used. i've been used before, and actually, i was MORE "PARANOID" then, than i have ever been POOR. because when you have something, like money, you wonder who is liking you and for what reason. i was MOST paranoid, in my life, when i actually had a little money and owned my own house at such a young age.

i was, literally, paranoid. and i DID have men come to me, who wanted to marry me not just for what i had to offer, in my LOOKS, but for my HOUSE too, and some of them would actually come out and tell me this or joke about it, which was sort of funny, but while i was laughing i was wondering if there was some truth behind the jokes. one guy kept saying i was the perfect wife for a musician because i had stability and this house and everything. it is a crazy thing to think, considering where i am right now. the exact reverse. but that was just ONE man, telling me how useful i could be, for my various assets. another guy wanted to marry me--actually, at that time in my life, there were a lot of men who wanted to marry me and I kept thinking, "is this because of my house and they think i'll be a good sugarmama?"

i didn't need a man for any financial reason at all. i had a ton of friends, and i figured some were using me a little bit, but i thought most were true. As it turned out, most were NOT true, or they were true, but everyone has a breaking point.

but i do understand how it is to be used, and i also understand how it is to feel paranoid about that, and also, the other thing i used to be paranoid about, was how exactly to manage my money. it's really stressful. the more money and assets you have, the more stressful it is. when i had it in a house primarily, i didn't worry about it bc i made a very good business decision and i knew it from the start so i knew i was getting interest out of it. but then when i sold it, i was reading all these books about annuities and stocks and bonds and mutual funds and i was so confused about where to put what.

so! i gave it all away.

voila! yes, it's true. the nouveau riche cannot be trusted to know how to manage their money unless they are...Jewish?!!! or scottish?!!!!!!!!! lol just kidding. in my family we're both (or, we have both), so i should have known better. but i just wanted to say i understand how it is to be paranoid about some things.

which is why i find absolute poverty to be completely FREEING and also, not a place to stay for very long. my last year or two i don't put upon myself. but if i seem to accept help agreeably, it's because i ditched the pride thing and decided i deserved the assistance of others, inasmuch as i did the same when i had money. i have learned some things though. like, how to tip a normal amount and not a whole $1or $2 every single day for a small cup of coffee, just because i think someone is going to really appreciate it and it will make them happy.

i have no idea why i just wrote all of this. i have no idea why it matters. i guess i've never written about paranoia of the rich though, and i wanted to write that out. at some point, you have to trust your instincts. you have to figure out what you want, at the moment or long term and if it will help you achieve your goals or happiness or both, and then you make a decision based on what is best for you and your values.
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also, i think someone really loves me a lot. i also think there is money somewhere, too, and i don't know what matches up with what but i don't care in the end. i think to myself, i can't even see the faces very clearly. i still feel very, very, confused about some things. i am really, truly, thinking about my son and what is best for him and i seriously am just thinking of it. for all of my intuition, i am still confused about some things. i just have to make my decision based on what is right for me and my son.

i don't know what that means for me exactly but i don't like it when people, or men, don't trust me or respect me enough to know what kind of person i am at the core. yes, i have asked for assistance, but i've asked for it upfront, not deviously plotting and planning to ensnare someone unsuspecting. and i'm honest, in general, about my feelings.
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on one hand, i am prepared to marry on monday
and go to my son with a partner
and i think i would be happy with that sort of arrangement.
on the other hand, i am ready to go all by myself except i don't have any money to fight with. i am very concerned about going with nothing.

it is alvaro's birthday tonight and he wants to go out
but i am thinking i might take up my own hotel room

on one hand, i want to at least give him a kiss for his birthday
and i DO want to go out dancing and drinking a little

but what do i do?

i need to have a psych eval and it's better to do it in Washington D.C. area
and i have plenty of things about the STATE that I am happily thinking about taking to the psychologist they set me up.

Exxon has been really good to me in a lot of ways but in other ways, i feel there hasn't been trust. On one hand, who else has come through for me? I haven't seen anyone else stepping forward to take my hand at this time. So I look at Exxon and think he's been there even if I don't always like how or in what way. I haven't seen anyone else lately, who is telling me they want to ... I like this one "For You I Will (Confidence)" by Teddy Geiger. I feel that's what I need from someone. I need to know what is real. What is in the heart of hearts from someone.

And you know, when I just wrote that, I felt a very powerful and very positive energy that this is right. That something is very good and very right, but has to go to another level of understanding. I love this song: "Realize" by Colbie Caillat. I know something very positive is happening right now, at this moment. I feel that same kind of energy I really noticed strongly, earlier today.

i like Anna Nalick's "Wreck of the Day" a lot, it's good writing there. Pretty depressing though. I say, pretty depressing. Absolutely depressing. Sort of one of those "Okay, fine, Braveheart, give up." One of those, "If you can't make it through the wreck, well, you don't want to be a patrol officer in the first place. Should start looking for another job and something that you will love. Ya gotta love what you do, and WHO you do." One of those, "It's not YOU, it's ME" songs.

I like "With You" by Jessica Simpson.

Exxon came in and laughed when I said, "Oh yeah! it's your birthday! tu feliz navidad!" and he laughed and said no, it's not christmas. I meant feliz cumpleanos.

I am going to tell him, in the car, tonight, that I'm staying at a hotel tonight or tomorrow.

I have to go now and I'm going to go out to some club near DC I guess, to go dancing.