New revelations today

I couldn't stop laughing because I went to the cafe, tired of being home alone, and my ex found me and we talked for a moment. I said, "What's that on your chin?" it was a stripe of greasy black something. He said, "Oh, from work." I said, "I thought you were doing construction work?" and he said no, and I said, "This looks like it came from a machine." He said yes, and made a back and forth, push and pull motion, to demonstrate what this machine was like. I cracked up laughing instantly becuase the first thing that popped into my mind was the cylinder image I saw earlier. But that was outside, I mean, I think so. But then how did he get this black streak on his face? hahhaaaaaaaaaaaa. So I am still laughing, because it's so bizarre and I just pictured this and then he left. I hope he knows I wasn't laughing at HIM. However, what's similiar is the word cylinder and the grimy thing. The part that's different is that this was a white arm, and it seemed to be outside and I saw pieces of grass or something too.

I really, really, like "Rock & Roll Queen" by the ?. Really good. I like "Auf Ausche" too, by Franz Ferdinand. One of my very favorite bands is definitely Arctic Monkeys..."Mardy Bum". They're catchy but not common, with good melodies and musicians--good writing too! and love the vocals with the accent. I could dance to this and there was another earlier today that I really liked. OK Good is another great band and I like their "Do What You Want" (whose house are you haunting tonight?). They're from Chicago.

I was supposed to go to the courthouse today to put in an application for marriage. It's not the actual deal, but the app. for the license. I couldn't get the nerve up and kept thinking and thinking and rambling and seeing and writing.

So anyway, I am still thinking about Bryan. I am not going to write about it. I heard something different and I had a really good time talking with him. It's hard to know who is who but I know. So why keep doubting? I know what I heard and it was real, and the other part is just unbelievable. He made me laugh so hard I couldn't stop. It is like...I don't know...We were made out of the same piece of rib in the Garden of Eden or maybe it was the Garden of Evil. It's more uncanny the more I know. I seriously wonder if we're twins but then that would be weird. I am not kidding though, I have never in my life heard of something more unique. I just want to see him and I think I missed it today.

I think I missed out on something today. I don't know what it is. But I missed something. I was too scared to leave the house. I AM turning into Emily Dickinson.
I'm sorry. I think I need to apologize for what I missed because it was important and I couldn't get out of the house and be wherever it was I needed to be. Or hear what I needed to hear.

I'M SORRY! I missed you. All of you. I was afraid to move or get out of the house even, especially after my more incredulous sounding posts, right?

I mean, I'm writing about having dreams about The Queen and Prince William and feeling absolutely connected. That was truly one of the most bizarre moments. It felt SO real. And I felt like I really got to know the Queen in that dream but not as the Queen. She was Elizabeth from coffee at church, just acting normal and I felt like I'd known her for years and years, and then William was very familiar to me too. I felt sort of new but I also felt they were like comfortable sweaters. Maybe cable knit, but still, sweaters. We were there with a group, doing some kind of work. There were other people. But they were more in charge and knew what was going on because the Queen was upset about the kids not getting their food, and how she felt they looked too thin or something and then William was on the floor, at the age he is now, to spend real time with them when the rest of the group was moving on, but then I saw him there, suddenly at 10 or 11 or something, like something from a photo. Like I could go back or it was deja vu. The only thing I did after having this dream, was look up a little about the Alma tunnel. I started to wonder about some things.


(I was just thinking, this song by Snow Patrol "Shut Your Eyes" feels like it was written for me personally. So weird. But if you heard it, you'd know why I thought this. I like Keane's "Everybody's changing" but it's too sad. Almost classical in music styling...I don't know, it's simple but the composition is more intricate than it seems. Like Phantom Puppet's "California". Someone asked me the other day if I'd like to live in California and I said no. Not L.A. because it was flatter and not pretty like San Francisco, but if writers are in L.A. maybe it's interesting. )

There are a bunch of people here now who are signing. Sign Language. I know my son needs to learn and he's being withheld and is missing out on rapid acquistion because the state is in denial and so is my family. These people here, are very fluent. I'm watching a little bit and they're very good.

You know, something I keep going back and forth and back and forth about, is whether to write more about Chris D. or not. This guy Bryan too, I wonder about. Just as much, because on one hand I think he was trying to help but then it really was a little strange in places. AND the guy's name IS a cop name, at least somewhere. I found it online when I looked it up. I don't know. I know what I heard behind the front voice. But the part I'm confused about, is what is really going on and who is covering for what or is good or bad. Something is really, really, "off" but then something seems genuine too. It's either really screwing me up to think better about the situation or him, than I should, or to think worse for some reason, and I don't know what that reason would be. i have never been more confused about anything in my entire life and I need to make my OIG complaint.

I haven't talked about Christopher Hitchens for a long time, but thought of him when I was looking up Dettmer. Jamie Dettmer. I wondered if they are acquainted with one another. One person I do NOT believe would ever be in on anything MI5 or MI6 with regard to Diana would be Hitchens. He's not interested enough in her. He said to his wife she looked anorexic and he didn't say the most flattering things, but he's that way with almost everyone. I cannot imagine Hitchens would be really excited about anything "royal family" in general.

This one, "Lost!" by Coldplay is so very good. "Ion Square" by Bloc Party is incredible. I love Bloc Party. They were my first discovery into modern music from England. I was listening to them, to a clip from Anne of Green Gables, and fell in love with them.

I'm starting to wonder about my own father. My Dad. No, not paranoia. I have wondered if he was ever involved in anything weird that would cause some sleeper enemies to really go after me, more than usual because they thought I was some kind of family generational spy or something. Like, I must be one to go after because my Dad was in it. It sounds crazy, but my father had extremely high ethics (at least at one time) and he took notes of things and knew the importance of using a P.O. box and thought some strange things were going on.

I thought maybe just my grandfather on my Dad's side, through military or something (Marines but never talked about it), but then later thought maybe my father because he was so smart and he was on the East Coast at one time. He even lived with his biological mother and her Italian lover, in NYC, for awhile when he was 13 and then I think returned. But I wondered, because my father kept secrets. He could keep things to himself. Not so reliable now, because I found out he told the rest of the family things he'd promised not to say to others. But when I asked him, in desperation, once, was there something he needed to tell me about??F!!!?? he got a strange look on his face. He almost looked guilty for a minute, like there was a secret, but he never said anything. He sighed, like he was just about to TELL me something, but he stopped himself.

(love women's needs by The Cribs. very creative and fun, even vocally)

The only other thing we didn't know, to my mother's HORROR and disapproval, my father said he wouldn't know whether or not he had other children by someone else, besides me and my brother. My mother said WHAT DO YOU MEAN BY THAT?! with an eyebrow raised and he said, before he was a "christian" it was more than possible he could have fathered other children. Somewhere. This came up just a couple of years ago, because I grabbed my Dad's hand and said I was going to read his fortune and the only part I knew how to read was the lifeline and how many "kids" you have. I said it looked like he had more than just me and my brother. My Dad got a smile on his face and looked happy about it and said, it was possible. Everyone stared. My mother demanded an explanation.

As far as we all know though, there is no other sibling. I don't think my Dad would ever tell anyone if he was ever in some undercover work. He wouldn't tell my mother even. But because of all the issues I had, I kept asking. I was crying and he looked like he was just about to tell me something. But then he reversed and blew it off, taking another direction. I wondered if he could have been recruited when he was young or something, because he was so smart. But no one would have ever known. My father's side of the family is all East Coast. They're all from Virginia and West Virginia. He was born in Virginia or W. Virginia. Then they did some migrating around.

My biological grandmother knew some interesting people from the Pentagon, White House, and even a mortician of all things. We stayed at the mortician's house in VA, when we came into D.C. for touring. lol. She introduced me to them all, 10 years ago but she's been living in Penn. for awhile now and has always been highly independent. I guess through clubbing when she was younger. I saw photos of her when she was younger and she dyed her hair red and had these sexy cat eye glasses with the pointed frames. Classic, but pointed. She has blue eyes and blond hair and her family is musical, though not genius like the other side.

I have, maybe, a job proposition. Sounds good. I just have to figure out if I can do it or if I'd be able to travel. Something in medical/tech field and I guess at least this type of industry is still hiring and growing. It's supposed to be a good area for science related jobs. He mentioned NIH (which I love) and the Human Genome Project. I'll bet someone just wants me to sit at a desk at one of these places so they can scour my computer for DNA to figure out why I am the way I am and if I'm a chimera or not. They just want to give me a job in the lab, and NOT think I'm actually the lab RAT. They'll give me a stack of papers and I'd be sitting there, while all these sci-guys are staring at me all day, jotting down notes about my behavior and choices. Stealing my fallen-out hairs from the cling static of the office swivel chair with the cloth back. Just kidding.

I like Hard-Fi's "Help Me Please." This one is pretty and I could do harmony with this type of voice. I could take the high part of the harmony in that song. I'm not into the thrasher type of indie, not the grunge style of thrash. I like PUNK and post punk, but not crash-trash stuff. There was this song called "violent" which was good for setting an urgent mood and the lyrics were good, but it's not melodic. LOL--I like Pigeon Detective's "Take Her Back" the part about the age difference--she's 17 and he's 22 and it's a problem so he goes for someone 31, and then, hahahaa, at the end, the part about seeing his girlfriend off to school, as she's riding the school bus, totally cracks me up.

I have that "bad/heaviness energy-vibe" right now and it's 9 p.m.