MORGUE: music today & mr. Penn

every single song i've heard is about dying. i am getting depressed. at least the last 10 songs have been about dying and death and going to the blue yonder and then mr. bojangles. the dog up and died. after 20 years he still grieves...

what the hell is going on.

i heard wide open spaces and that one wasn't really about death.

oh, and the doctor sitting next to me is not Mr. Penn. he has an earring in the "I'm Gay!" ear.

So, he's not Mr. Penn, if there was a Mr. Penn and not just some "Dr." behind a psych ward intake station.

this is the 20th song i've heard about death. i'm going to find my true love because i'm dying, the song says, but i will find my true love.

then how about how this person is "someday safe in the arms of love" and on the death note, i'm thinking about safe in the arms of the heavenly father or something.

i'm also not listening to the mortuary station either. or funeral music station. then i hear this song which about everyone who knows me or knows chris, would know is one that makes me think of him.

so if he's dying and not telling me, i'm upset and if this some kind of manipulative trick to soften me up, i'm pissed. i have never heard of at least 20 songs in a row about death.

also, online, in the chatroom, this person who sounded like chris was told to remember i didn't want him to die. the other friend in the chatroom told him to remember this.

"falling into you" by kasey chambers.

i am getting reeeeeaaally depressed. i feel like crying.

then we get "frosty the snowman?" "was a happy, jolly, soul...?" yeah, and christmas music so i laughed, but i am still wondering. i know someone who used to play christmas music for me at the pub, knowing i thought it was weird how they played christmas music in maryland in july. then a song about how "everybody's happy in sandy land."

"troublesome waters" by iris dement. about leading someone away to "heavens bright shore where troublesome waters i feel no more..." see, another death song.

oh great, and then, of all things, this woman next to me is talking about a funeral home. She is on the phone with a funeral home at THIS MOMENT.

then the song "give me grace to make it through the night...faith to see the light...strength to make it home, home to you." and it's a death song.

she's talking about giving the doctor's name for the death certificate. i FUCKING KID YOU NOT.

i am in the middle of a morgue today.

Then I get Bonnie Raitt's "You're So Very Unnecessarily Mercenary" and that one made me crack up laughing just as the guy across from me is looking up over at the woman who is making funeral home arrangments. I mean, I'm just...hands up. i'm in a fucking morgue. and all these people coming in today have, like, i've noticed, their hair is falling out and everything. i'm wondering how many people are dying today. well, i'm joking about this last part, but the death music is not a joke and neither is the couple making funeral home arrangements right next to me, who finally got up and left. after securing a plot. i guess.

Poww.

I like Nanci Griffith's "flyer". the flyer will be flying home tonight...which could go two different ways. flying home to jesus or just flying.

"on your way home" by patty loveless. "where do you go, on your way home..." okay, another death song, about "little footprints in the snow", the death of his daughter. or some girl. "heartbreaker's alibi" (now my eyes are opened and she's the one who is blind). I'm sure i'm missing something.

i like mary chapin carpenter's, "he thinks he'll keep her." i love this song but this is another one about leaving. sad. i feel so depressed. seriously.

"warefaring stranger" by emmylou harris. a song about "only going over, going over to jordan". death song. "only going over home..." going to jordan, home to jordan, is heaven. it's a song about dying again.

this morning i heard the song "forever young"--the 80s song and now this is a different one, also about "may you stay forever young." may you stay forever young, makes me think of ME dying. or someone else.

Ralph Stanley's "O Death".

what the hell is going on. this is totally a death song. the whole thing is about death. I TOLD YOU THESE ARE DEATH SONGS. well i'm dying, chris is dying, my son is dying, or we're all dying. i guess i think chris is dying. maybe i'm about to die though and i don't know. this is weird.

"the believer" by chris thile.

"american girl" by trisha yearwood. i used to sing this one all the tijme. "she's trying to make it in her daddy's world, an american world."

"killing the blues" by alison krause, "somebody said they saw me swinging above the white clouds, killing the blues."

"jolene"

"reasons why" by nickel creek. i like this one for the way i can't stop my foot from moving while listening to it. well, the funeral dirge is over it seems. now it's "country boy".

i am probably going to call chris just to make sure he's not dying, at his workplace, because i'm not calling his cell and i dn't know what's going on. this was not normal, this hour or more of death music. it's just alison krause station on lastfm.

there is this little girl here at the cafe who totally reminds me of my son. she's chomping on her gum the same way he does and has the same mannerisms. she's really cute.

if this is not chris, this is someone else i have met maybe through others? alison krause "your grace". whichever way, that's a lot of faith, i have to say. very spiritual too and important. the cox family "i'm goin' back (to the place i love so well)."

"down in the river to pray" by krause is one i've been singing a lot lately, at home. "logtown" by peasall sisters-- "crazy faith" by alison krause. "look at miss ohio" gillian welsh. "i hope you dance" is one i used to sing ALL the time.

i KID YOU NOT, this little girl is like a mirror image of my son. The way she chomps her gum and grins, and presses the blackberry, and stretches out her chest...even the way she LOOKS. it's uncanny and I finally said something and asked if i could ask what the ethnic background was. I was thinking, somehow, we are RELATED. She said they are "Welsh".

It is really, really, weird. I've never seen another kid who is so much like my son, in appearance AND mannerisms, as this little girl and my son are.

Her mother said she said, in the bathroom, about me, "Mom, THAT is a NICE lady!" so cute. Her mother said she's very easygoing and laid back but then sort of dramatic. I have never seen anything like it. I am not kidding.

The way she turns pages in a book, everything. Her mother apologized for her daughter staring at me but I said I had been doing the same. I kept staring at this little girl. It is really weird. Welsh.

I don't know if there is any Welsh in my family. But this girl and my son could be twins. I still have my headphones on but I'm still trying not to stare too much. It's so crazy.

For the first time too, I don't feel so depressed either. I like this song too, by Sarah Evans, "could not ask for more." I feel a very good energy or vibe right now.

I just cracked up laughing with this Welsh family, just as their daughter did her chewing thing, which is so like my son.

"Right in Time" by Lucinda Williams. Good song. I am getting worried though, that someone is dying. This song...I don't know.

"Wild Angels" and "Lonesome Wind Blues" and "Polly Come Home".

I just talked to this family for awhile. The mother is Welsh and the father is Irish predominantly. The kids were just adorable.

I think I have to find out what is going on because someone is dying or something and I need to know. I don't know what is going on.

I had a really good feeling about this family though, and they said perhaps when my son is with me if I'm back here, we'll meet up again. Really nice family. I am still so shocked about the likeness of this little girl and their son. Ella and Grafton. I was going to name my girl Ella if I had a girl, or Isabella.

What is this song, Remind ME, Dear Lord. I seriously have to find out what is going on.
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yeah, i found out what's going on and I'M PISSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSED.

pissed enough, i've turned to 2pac for my relief. "All Eyes on Me". Which just about says it whether I like it or not. I NEVER WANT TO BE FAMOUS. Well, if it comes with whatever territory I inherit.

There is weird shit going on and I don't like it. Like a total fucking joke.

It was very COOL to meet the family I met earlier, and to see that little girl who is a ringer for my son. I am still shaking my head, because it's so very, very, weird. In a good way. But I asked them what their background was, because you hear about twins or relatives who are separated from birth and meet later and they have the same mannerisms, look alike, and take up similiar habits and careers...and so, I was just talking to someone about this--nature or nurture? and yet there is something about genetics, that, I believe, can strongly influence people. So I asked because I sort of wondered if this girl and my son were in something of the same gene pool. I wish they could have seen my son.

You can't really tell from the video footage I have online, but it's more noticeable now, in person. The gum thing, and the way they both chewed it and reacted in public, was just so strange. And they have the same lips! and teeth! haha. So funny. Even the way they turn pages in a book. I don't know how to describe it exactly. But even the expressions on her face and how she would think about something and then make a face, was similiar.

The little boy wasn't so much like my son, but very handsome. I still can't get over the girl though. I saw her and thought she LOOKED like my son, and then I noticed her mannerisms and thought it was so crazy. It was the highlight of my day. Really, it was the best part of my whole day. I sort of wonder if they practiced attachment parenting too? or if it's just a personality thing? I don't know.

I was listening to all this morgue music. I thought waht in the world, and finally I got scared, and called everyone I knew. I called about my son first. Priority. He was fine and I could have talked to him but for one split second I was too worried about the lives of everyone else so I said not right then and made all the other calls to be sure everyone was fine. As far as I know, they ARE. SO I'm wondering what the hell...very manipulative. I think. I mean, what? Well, then again, who knows. Maybe someone IS dying and it's just not someone I know. It was strange because it was about three hours of death and dirge.

I don't need to write the names of the parents. It's not something I would write about in the future either. We talked about kid stuff and I'm excited to have my son over here in this area. They told me where the parks and some other fun stuff is. The pool too, which will be good for me to know in the future. I like to swim and do laps. I'm too scared to do the flips underwater though because I forgot how and I chicken out and end up with water in my nose.

I wish I'd been able to talk to my son. I was going to later, but I postponed it because I wanted to make sure everyone was living first. My son is first, but if he's okay and I know this, and on the other hand, someone is dying...I guess I had to make sure no one was dying.