Identity, Music, Dishonest Ex & Unicycle Lady

I woke up with one thing on my mind. Find out where Will is. I am going to find out if Chris or Will are one and the same and no one is going to do this for me. I have to do it for myself. The FBI sure as hell isn't going to do it.

I woke up with clarity but still not knowing what is true in this regard. I have been too afraid to see Chris again, to even make eye contact. I need to just go to the Pub sometime and have a look. And call the Wagler family. I can track them down. Before I began thinking Will and Chris were the same, I thought it was most likely Chris was a sniper or something. I mean, the hour ahead times. He never let anyone else prepare his food (avoiding tampering), and he wouldn't take his Blackberry with him while on "excursions". And, I was thinking, maybe American and he was always meeting military all the time, and it was like they knew him. Then there were all the Israeli-Jewish obsession things.

Once I know, I will know which way to take this to the FBI. Because yes, I'm still pissed. Well, if it's Will, there is absolutely no doubt he's undercover--clear and dead giveaway. If it's NOT Will, it's a guy who has other stuff going on. I also know that he was giving me messages and speaking through other people. So why it had to be a big secret I don't know. Knowing who this is will help me decide whether this person was for me or against me and will provide better insight. But I'm done guessing. I'm just going to find out for sure. I know Chris is FBI. I just don't know if Chris is Will. Maybe Chris is Canadian.

I also woke up feeling good about my date's family member, who asked me to pray for his family member. I can't say I "know" he's going to live but I feel very optimistic today. Last night I had a horrible depressed and heavy vibe but I feel on track today.

I decided to go to 90s music this a.m. and New Radicals's "Get What You Give" was the first song coming on. Great way to start the morning. It reminds me of the 80s. Time to hear 90s and if people will be out of the house I'll practice a couple of songs to record. I need privacy though bc I get loud. Acoustics are not bad in this room--there are wood floors and it's sort of empty. An interesting square panel ceiling.

Like "No Myth" by Michael Penn. "I Saw The Sign" by Ace of Base. I remember this in connection with an old boyfriend in high school. I like L'Arc-en-Ciel (oops, that's the band name)--flower. Pretty. white flower. It reminds me a little bit of the CIA-pursued guy, French professor, in Wenatchee. I was thinking about his book yesterday when I read about the Tibet movement happening right now. He said he thought the CIA wanted him because he knew French fluently, had friends in it (or family too) and because of his proximity to important people for his book. His book was a collaboration of stories meant to inspire youth and he was interviewing very important figures from all over the world. So he flew a lot. He'd already collected the accounts of at least 6 people and had a shorter list by the time I knew him, but he wanted to be more humanitarian.

I really like Puddle of Mudd's "Blurry". I forgot how much of 90s went grunge. And alternative. It's really a totally different genre, the 90s. Amazing how the music shifts this much from decade to decade. I like the words though and I can relate.

My ex is still trying to get me to marry him, saying we could sleep in different rooms. Hell, we don't even have to do that. We share a BED and nothing happens. Which is good, but sort of weird too. I sure hope that's not what happens when people really get married. He says he may have a job thing this Monday and asked me to pray for him so I said I would, all the while noting how he's going back on helping me with a ticket back to Wenatchee and my Dr. visit. He says, "I don't have money!" and I'm staring at him, incredulously, and say, "Oh, but you have at least __ thousand to give me as a first gift, the moment you marry me?" He says, yeah, but now we're not getting married. So all of a sudden he's penniless?! Ummm...Can I say something??? SOOOOOOOOoooooooooooooooooooo glad I'm not getting married. I know he's not bipolar but I have never been around anyone so back and forth and contradictory. I said I'd pray for him anyway, to get this job. I wish him well. If he wants this job, I hope he gets it.

Anyway, I met Chris at a coffee shop. He came in while I was writing posts about Princess Diana and about the guy who abdicated the throne, Edward and Wallis Simpson. I was writing how romantic that was (and in the end, she silenced those who thought she didn't really love him--she was by his bedside to his death and then grieved ever after). I wonder if Al-Fayed was thinking about this when Di was, in her own way, giving up her title, or part of it, and why he was going to buy that house that had belonged to Edward (edward, right?) and Wallis. I think it's a sort of sweet story. I'm surprised not more has been made of it, but people want the glamour of title and power instead, I guess. I mean, that woman was not only a commoner, she was an American, AND she was divorced. Back then, that was absolutely scandelous. She was no loudmouth, like me, but still, she came with some eye raising qualities. But they truly loved eachother and that's most amazing.

At any rate, I was writing this, and I turned around and there was Chris, looking at me and shocked I had turned full circle to notice him staring me. He knocked over the garbage can in front of him, in his startled state, wearing an ipod. Nervously righted the garbage can and I was getting up for coffee and thought his tattoos were interesting although I'm not a tattoo person. I like them on other people, but I will never get one.

I like the Talking Heads "Warning Signs". Gin Blossoms "Hey Jealousy" makes me feel so old. The 90s make me feel old because I remember all these songs, and then the 80s makes me feel very young because it's all new to me in a thrilling way. I watch video's like "You Spin Me Round Round" and note the purple suit and crazy hair and remind myself to always go for classics, and moderation. I don't want any photos of me, coming up in the future, of me in beehives or blown out hair, wild and dated printed fabrics.

Local H was a very good band. Their actual guitarists were good. I mean, guitar is guitar, but these guys rocked. The words are sort of interesting: and you just don't get it/keep it copasetic (msp)...and then there's that Nirvana style riff at the end that circles left to right. Good mosh song. I am wondering if 90s were defined by anger?! Why was everyone so ANGRY? Melancholy or very angry.

I didn't know Shania Twain was Canadian. "From This Moment". I sang this song with my father, in a duet, at my mother's friends' wedding. I was pissed because my mother was still accepting engagements for me without asking me first. I said I didn't want to do it, and she put this huge guilt trip on me. I didn't feel like showing off my voice at that time, and no one even asked me if I wanted to do it. So I did it, and I didn't even mask my grump or attempt to hide it. I just sang the song, glaring at my mother. It was the one time I didn't put on a good face. I was in such a bad mood but it WAS a good harmony for both my father and me. She married some Jewish doctor I think. She was the neighbor who gave me rides to school, as we listened to Mary Chapin Carpenter. What's really strange, is that for all of my and my father's musical background, my mother would never listen to music in the car while driving. The only artist she really liked was Shania Twain. But my entire life, while driving, she either wanted complete silence in the car, or TALK radio. I mean, like Rush Limbaugh and all the extremists. My father always had a separate building, apart from the house, as long as I can remember, for music. He'd spend hours out there. First, it was the music room, "in the shed" and then it was the "studio" in the barn. But he was a closet musician and did writing and composing in private and worked things out only every now and then and now has some kind of arthritis or something in his hands. Some of his original stuff from the 70s was really good. He directed choirs for the 1972 Olympics with zero music education. He never learned a formal note of music. He just played by ear. He'd hear something and play it out, on the spot. And then direct choirs. Isn't that crazy? I wish I could do that. I made up melodies, but I couldn't just put my hands on any instrument and play it.

I wonder if this trait will pop up again, in another family member, down the road. If genius skips generations or something. You know, musical talent. I like music, and I always wanted to take ballet, and dance, but I cannot play fluidly. I can only imagine harmonies and melodies and then have to sing out the ideas instead of being able to just pick up an instrument and play. I think I had lousy teachers though, and my mother paid for the cheapest piano teacher around. One woman noticed my talent when I was very young and offered to teach me to play--Dorothy something. But she cost too much. Then there was the opera singer who offered to train me for free. I didn't like the tone of her voice though and didn't want to end up singing like her. My parents saw me picking out melodies on the piano and that's what got them started to try to get me into piano. The only time I took off, literally, was when this classically trained pianist from Korea gave me lessons in exchange for English lessons. She was amazing. She played Chopin like you wouldn't believe and extremely complicated pieces. Sonia Kim is what she went by in the U.S. In Korea she was trainied to be a professional classical pianist and when she was teaching me, and using the right instructional materials (which were challenging and interesting), I was actually picking it up quite fast and she said to me one day, when I played, that I was naturally gifted after I described to her the visual scene I imagined from this classical piece she played for me. She said two things about me: "you're lazy!" and "you're very smart! wow." She was impressed which was a nice compliment. But she sat next to me, hitting my hands when I hit wrong notes and I thought to myself, if I ever had my children take piano, that's the kind of teacher you want. She was not lazy. She watched everything my hands did, and swatted me when I goofed and then corrected. It was impossible not to practice correctly when she was around. So that was interesting. But when she went back to Korea, that was the end of that. I never practiced. I only practiced if she was there and I picked it up quickly but she knew I could do better so she was frustrated with me. I also don't have the expressive ability to make the instrument sing on it's own or take on its own identity and life.

I like Live a lot, "Alone". The first concert I ever went to was for Weezer and Live, in Portland, Oregon. Then I went to some Irish concert by the sister of Sinead O'connor next. I think the next one was, forgetting his name, the "Free Falling" and "Maryjane" guy. Oh yeah, Tom Petty.

I don't like Radiohead. I like their lyrics, but not the mess of cacophony. "Morning Glory" by Oasis is interesting but it's sort of the same thing over and over. I am bored by it. The only part I like is the beginning and end sounds of the airplanes or helicopters. The rest is dull. I cannot imagine sitting through a whole concert of that. I do sort of like "Rehab Doll" by Green River. I can handle this better. It's at least slightly Jimi Hendrix or Doors or something. I like Paul Weller's "You do Something to Me"--not a fan of his voice really, but I like the piano and lyrics. I sort of like Placebo's "Pure Morning"...this song makes me think of driving fast on a motorcycle for some reason. Ultra Nate "Free Remix (Junior Sanchez Vo). I like this one and I also like Radiohead's "No Surprises". This one is do beautiful. Absolutely beautiful.

I cannot believe my ex. I can't even believe this guy was my EX. I mean, I know what I was thinking at the time, but it was lunacy. He has been dishonest about so many things and just now changed his tune AGAIN, about what he's helping me with. Suddenly, he has no money and was trying to say he wasn't even going to help me with things he PROMISED to help me. Then he tells me he's going to church this morning. Ha! I told him to pray to God to remind him of his promises and what he told me. I try very hard to keep things amiable, but when he has said certain things and then changes his mind at the last minute and tries to blame ME for not MARRYING him, I think what a fucker.

I do not think he should be allowed to return to the United States after this. Not after what I've seen. I look to someone, to see their actions follow their words and this guy is a fucking liar. He and his Colombian lover in waiting will probably regret screwing with me.

I swear to God, that's the last time I go out with a Catholic. I'm done with THAT shit. Peace for Ireland, and peace among the good people, but I have reeeallly had enough. This guy lies to my face, screws me over, tries to use me along with a bunch of his buddies and tries to get me so cheap it's NOT even FUNNY and then says he's going to church. I mean, holy hellwater. I sort of think the other guy, who I dated recently, is a decent guy, and I've prayed for his father and I do think he seems decent. Not a total user. So I take back some stuff. I hope I can be friends with him. But I am SO DONE with this other freaky shit. I must have been out of my fucking MIND.

He said, "Have your Pakistani friends help you." He tells me, after promising this and that, to have THEM or OTHERS pay for the plane ticket he swore he was paying for and some other things, and it's not like I've not done him any favors. I was absolutely prepared to be friends and pray for him to get a job. I hope he just gets sent back to Colombia now and never is allowed back.
I like Eve 8's "Inside Out". and really really like Natalie Imbrugia "Tom". I really like "Two Princes" by Spin Doctors. One of my favorites. I was going to have him take me to the cafe on his way to church (which he certaintly must realize he's in need of at least) and now I think I'm going to shower and work on music and singing and put a couple of things online, now that I know how to host audio (I think).

I am SO FUCKING PISSED right now. I mean, I have put up with a lot and I've been supportive through some crazy stuff and had pity and empathy and supported his goals, and now, I just think, well, "thy will be done". As it is in Heaven, let thy will be done. Vamanos!

Natalie Merchant's "Frozen Charlotte" is beautiful. I love this beautiful song. This is a beautiful. Absolutely gorgeous. I really like this one. I think I might want to sing Natalie Imbrugia "Tom".

He's talking, talking, talking...and I have my headphones on. I told him "mis palabras hay mis palabras todo tiempo--nunca differentes. Tu palabras hay no verdad. Es differentes a uno dia a otra dia." I said, "Va a la iglesias y pregunta DIOS por ti recuerdo tu palabras." Then he's angry, and yelling over me and I said, "Tu NECESSITAS santas! tu necessitas Dios! y Jesus Christo!"

Give me a fucking break. He would screw his own mother out of a retirement home. I prayed for the man who has an illness and I feel good about that. I am not praying for this guy, my EX, to get a job. He cannot keep his word about anything, is unreliable, and backs down on everything he says. He's a fucking liar, a cheater, and I let things go because I thought he might change or that perhaps there was something of a worthy cause in there somewhere.

He's actually telling me RETURN things which were given to me as gifts (which were not even much money to begin with, as he's spending plenty of money on his own entertainment and novia). I mean, I cannot believe it.

I am probably calling my Pakistani friends today. I don't know. I don't him if he's different when he comes back from church.

He just started to walk OUT of the room, with MY FUCKING SHOES, saying he's returning them. I kid you not. I said, "What are you doing?!" and he's just walking out with the shoes. This is beyond unbelievable.

My eyes are WIDE open. Like "Ordinary World" by Duran Duran. I feel like crying at this song, because THIS is so NOT ordinary. Oh yeah, and GUESS WHAT?

I am the woman who gets to, oh, well, just meet the ordinary people of the world everyday as I drink coffee. One minute I'm sitting next to this very average looking woman and the next freakin' moment she's telling me how she rode a UNICYCLE to high school.

I KID YOU FUCKING NOT. My last date said, "How do you MEET these people?" He said you meet the "jungle people". I said yeah, and you know what, I was just talking about walking and then she's telling me she's a photographer, and also drives a bus, and then the next minute she is telling me used to keep in shape when she was riding her UNICYCLE to high school. She added, "It was nice because it freed up my hands to hold my books". I was like, "Oh. Oh! Wow. Well, that must have been good exercise." I am masking my whirling thoughts and dilating pupils. I think my pupils were probably dilating and constricting and dilating in shock. Unicycle. Huh. I mean, she was really nice and I'd enjoy speaking with her again, but who the hell rides a fucking unicycle to high school? I mean...what high school was this and how far did she have to ride? did she juggle too, while riding, did she sometimes wear a backpack and juggle balls and wave at the kids, passing by. Where's my fucking clown? i need to see another clown today.

I really like "Save Tonight" by Eagle-Eye Cherry. It's one of my favorites.

Oh, another weird thing. My ex, last night, comes in acting cheerful and I'm typing away and he takes an ipod cord and ties a military knot around my foot and then pulls. It was an expert knot. Where the hell is a non-military "architect" learning how to tie boyscout knots? and then he looked at me, waiting for my impression. I stared at my foot and said, "Okaaaay..." and he said he was going to drag me off by my foot. I guess that's what he always had in mind, I just never saw the signs. Then he pretended to put it around my neck. Yeah. Not so fast Zorro. I'm the one with the sword slashing 'Z's in clothing. I'll slash that shirt into pieces and then tap the traditional bolero off with an upward tap of the sword. Finis! I should have used the energy pen for puncturing this thing, a long time ago.

I like "You Get What You Give". Thank God I have music. I think about this and then think about music and everything is fine. My favorite song today is this one.

I still cannot believe this. Taking my fucking shoes. It's like the Colombian repo for not cooperating with this cheap attempt to give this guy a green card. And I swear to God he is involved with some of the U.S., because he was telling others where I was going and where they could find me.

All that set up. I like NSYNC's "For The Girl That Has Everything". Wow. His voice is good on this one. Not bad.

You know what I think though? I think I blew up the whole "spy" and sting shit. There is no better protection than to finally put everything out there, for the public to see and read. The public is smart and I know they know what's been going is raunchy and stinks to high heaven.

Like Crash Test Dummies "Mmmm mmmm mmmm mmm". I can actually sing this one but the original voice is better for the mood of the song. It's not unique with my voice but it's catchy. Del Amitri "Roll to Me" is also fun. I'm a little concerned because I do not see my voice recorder anywhere and I left it plugged into my computer last night. And now it's not there so I need to look a little harder. I left it plugged in and it's not there now. Okay, I found it. I like K's Choice "Believe" and haven't heard it before. She's Belgian. It's a good song. hahahaaa. Very good. Good enough to make me laugh. I like "Blurry" and it reminds me of someone and Pub days. Played a lot on the jukebox. I like Glycerine right away, by Bush. Not such a fan of this "Good" by Better than Ezra. I'm more particular with alternative and grunge. I think I want to go to Coldplay.

You know what I think? I like the guy I dated, a LOT. But I really connected with him more intellectually than anything. I think I'm not feeling the chemistry for romance sort of, but I like him so much, for his mind and the way he speaks. We had a really good conversation about the Middle East and I also liked talking with him about music and we laugh at the same funny movies. I think the romance thing isn't there for me, at least not right now, but we have similiar interests. I just realized this. Because making out with him was good, and he was a good kisser, but I don't know that he's the one for me, the lover and soulmate partner for life for me. But the mind I like and the musical interest is good. It wasn't even him at all, but this indescribable chemistry factor. Something good is there, to be developed if he want that, but I felt it wasn't "right" somehow. There is someone else I think. I don't know who the hell it is, but somewhere.