Today

I noticed, today, that I am sitting beneath a painting of a chef on a unicycle. Juggling bread. Made me think of unicycle lady.

I am sitting next to...A LEFTY. and I think, this other guy I approached was a LEFTY. I began talking to the man to my left, the LEFTY, and he's a married lefty, but I noticed his peppercinis and just as I opened my mouth, he picked up his utensil with his left head. Ooops. HAND. Sorry. I'm listening to "drive" and something freudian is coming through.

(shit. if anyone wants to hear something absolutely pornographic without getting into trouble at work, listen to "drive" by melissa ferrick. if someone doesn't get turned on by this song, something is fucking WRONG with them. she does an incredible job on this one. really amazing. first thing i've heard by her. I also like "I Want You" esp. when she does her doo-doo-doos, then you could dance to it. Actually, this whole song is very danceable)

The first stranger I talked to today, is a brain cancer guy. He was a scientist for NIH who maybe knows not to say too much to me. I saw him and noticed him right away but then I saw him reading neuroscientist or something and wanted to talk to him. I asked what he was doing and if he was a brain doctor or neuroscience guy.

For some reason, I gave him a pat on the back or arm, when we were parting, I felt I had to but I don't know him at all.

He is doing research on getting through the brain barrier for a drug that has been working for brain cancer. It's in the rat testing phase. They have to go in, with a shot to the back of the brain, or something even crack the skull to do a biopsy and instead of getting it in THIS way (obviously not great options) they want to find a way to get it in through the spinal cord but hoping with the right antigens or whatever, it will cross through the brain barrier and possibly thin it somehow, the membrane, so it will go through more easily.

I asked him if he was taking volunteers or knew of someone for this older guy I heard had brain cancer, someone's grandfather...and he said no, but he said if this grandfather was in Michigan (which is where I thought he was from), he could go to see Dr. Heuprick? MD, PhD., at Ann Arbor. I wish I'd clarified that name bc I can't completely understand the writing. I told him the only person I knew who had any kind of brain issue was this guy's grandfather who was in Michigan or Missouri and I couldn't remember which. He said Michigan had some really good brain people.

I then remarked about my migraines, which came up because I told him I was sympathetic to the plight of scientists who need more funding for their research, and to try new things. I was going to tell him about how I discovered marijuana and then when I told him how I got this droopy eyelid, he said had I ever been checked for MG. something or other "gravis".

I feel like someone has tapes I recorded with me singing on them or knows my music, because I've heard these songs that I like to sing to: passionate kisses and bitch. yesterday I heard "Wild Angels" and that's one I sang to all the time.

"Maybe an Angel" by heather nova and I really like this version of "You Don't Know Me" by Jann Arden. She does a nice job of this. It's a really good song too. hahahahaaaa! I love this song: "You Suck" by The Murmurs. It's about this musician who can't play guitar or write or has a block because, it's all this other person's fault==for paralyzing their mind. lol.

I've seen a lot of Irish eyes today. A LOT of Irish men in the cafe, coming and going today. Like I've said, I know those eyes. Well, a couple of times I got them confused with Scottish eyes. I was corrected.

"Are You Out There" by Dar Williams makes me think of Pres. Bush, formerly. I feel badly for him and the pressures he went through. I've not heard "Answer" by Sarah McLachlan before and it's really pretty.

I woke up this morning wondering if I was dying. Sounds morbid, but my back and spine and everything really hurt. I am going through the Percocet too fast, because the pain is actually worse than you'd expect. I don't think the little steroid pack helped really, I think I need a big shot or something. I don't know because I take a lot of Advil AND Percocet and it's...well, the Percocet REALLY does help, but I have a lot of abdominal/spine pain. My period wasn't there today either. It's still almost a non-period. It last one day, about 24 hours and that was it. So its still very abnormal for ME and what my pattern was before.

I have thought about the Thebault's today for some reason. I don't know why. Maybe it's because of yesterday's death theme and thinking about cancer and different things. I once had a vivid dream that Lisa T. had died of cancer and the old place in Bedminster or wherever they were, was overgrown and Bryan T. was upset and lonely. It was a weird dream and I had it over a year ago.

I had this guy with a bloodshot eye, who seemed a little homeless or something, come in and tell me his mom was working for a really big law firm and he said he hoped that I could do the same thing. He said his mom went to law when she was 39 or something and it took a long time (I think he said 16 years?), but she got there and works for a powerful firm now and helps a lot of people. He said have you heard of Johnny Cochrahn? and then said another name I'd not heard of and said, anyway, that she worked for that firm. I didn't recognize the name, but if it's something along the lines of Cochrahn I'm sure it's a big deal. He said to me "I hope someday you can do that too." I have never talked to him before but I recognize his face. He has no idea I've ever ad any interest in law.

this is a really good song..."rural faggot". good message. really interesting songwriting, i think. like sheryl crow a lot. I used to sing along with her songs in Oregon. Steve McQueen song, and everything. I like the one where she's in the hippie van or whatever, and "If It Makes You Happy". I sang "If It Makes You Happy" for kaoroke at a Canadian/American pub in Blaine. "Diamond in the Rough" is a very good song by Shawn Colvin. I remember this one from a long time ago. Makes me swing my foot.

I like "Willing to Wait" by Melissa Ferrick. I like her a lot, she's very good and I like her strength and boldness, in her writing and how she chooses to sing what she writes. There is no way anyone else is writing for this chick. She's doing her own thing and it absolutely comes through, in the way she sings.

k.d. lang's "Acquiesce" is pretty. I imagine this is song for my enemies, whoever it was that harmed me and my son while we were living in E. Wenatchee...could sing to me, in a West Side story type of choir. When I think of k.d. i think of mood. If I had to sum her up in one word, it would be mood.

I am wondering if maybe I am Welsh. I don't THINK so, but my father's biological mother, her surname is "Davis" so I guess I wonder. My grandmother is short, small chest (I saw her and her sister Thelma and thought, "thanks a lot you guys...THATs where I got this chest), strong, and she has very blue eyes and had blond hair. Sort of a snub type of nose. A little like the nose Granny, on the other side of the family, said we were fortunate NOT to have (the "wooten" nose). I think she said it was English though. And there are a lot of English Davis'.

I like "Rescue Me" by Sarah Bettens. For some reason, this one makes me think of people like Chris Dabney, William and Harry (Wales). Who knows, maybe all men, who need their angels or shoulder to lean on. It's the driving too fast thing.

You know what I've thought, briefly, which may sound...I wonder if there is someone who was using others to speak to me, who realized I had fallen for him and yet he couldn't admit it to me or himself what he'd done--that I didn't even know who it was I was in love with. Or, if it's Will Wagler, and I'm just as blind as a bat.

I like "chief" by patty griffin a LOT. I would like to sing this one, in an Irish pub. It's a little bit of a female Bob Dylan. I also wonder if there is a double, for someone in the royal family, who is royal but they are hidden in case something happens to the other one, or if they just didn't want a part of it or their parents didn't want a part of it so tried to get rid of it and forget about the whole royalty past. That would make for an interesting story, I think. sort of prince and the pauper. wouldn't it?

There was someone outside, parked with tinted windows, for awhile and they just left, and I just stood up, because...I almost went out there for a better look because the person never got out of the car. Was just parked there and I felt it was someone I knew or who knew me. I really, really, like this instrumental "You Had Time" by Ani DiFranco. First I saw the title and thought, "What does that mean?" and thought maybe the song was about someone who had time but blew it. then, I thought, no, it's more like "you had time for me" or something. oh, it has lyrics. it's more like time but blew it. i guess i was right. pretty words..."you said you needed time and you had time." that is a beautiful song...gorgeous. my old friend, who was a leak, well, she loved ani difranco, and she had good taste, in general. i learned a lot from her. she actually killed me with kindness and cruelty at the same time.

a lot of people with New York license plates looking in today. into the cafe, at me. I like "Rooms on Fire" by Stevie Nicks, so much. This is one of my favorites I think. "Last Exit to Eden" by Amanda Marshall makes me think of Christopher Hitchens. It makes me think, too, about the brain cancer thing, because I think of Christopher Hitchens and he had some things in common with Chris Dabney. I was told, today, that brain cancer has some markers which are similiar to pancreatic cancer so people think, at first, it might involve the pancreas. "Not the Only One" by Raitt is good.

Oh no, the medical people are here again. Doctor man and woman who was making funeral arrangements. They walked over from the side I usually sit on, to this side of the room. What the hell. I guess I'll find out what they are up to. I'll be the one asking the questions!!! NO way I'm going to the "nice little place in Pennsylvania" with the Dr. man. I like Benatar's "Heartbreaker".

i learned a lot from her, that friend, Christa. She basically ruined my entire life with her involvement with the Abbey lawyers and leaking everything, and then at the same time, I think they were trying to get me to convert to Catholicism. Like, if I converted, mabye they'd spare me. As for taste, though, she had good taste. hmm, I guess i learned...well, no...

I really like "Believe" by Cher. best gay clubbing song ever. yaaaaaaaaaay! and "I am a Town" by Carpenter. So like Carpenter and her voice. I like the piano in all of her songs.

Okay, I got discovery about the medical people. Guess what?!!! They've not come to take me away, not yet. I was thinking about all the Irish people I saw today, and I'm wearing Irish green with my white coat, and then the funeral plot medical people are here again, and I started thinking I would need to keep an eye out for the banshee.

Two interesting things:
1. She has sectoral heterochromia and didn't even know it. I informed her and she's going to look it up. She has blue eyes with a brown spot that's been there from birth (not injury induced) and she's blond.

2. They are both nurses who work for a hospice care, going into the homes of those who are dying. Elderly, predominantly and they help families learn how to care for their loved ones, and make sure the CNAs and aides are helping, until these people die.

I once applied to do this kind of work, as a CNA, but CNA work is really hard on your body, physically. You lift people and everything. They are nurses. I wouldn't mind going in and visiting with people, but I tried taking chemistry in college and I am just NOT good at labs and things. I like the philosophies and ideas of science, but I am lousy at hands on application. More of a brainstormer.

"Angel" by Sarah McLachlan makes me think of my miserable days in the Canadian jail, after they took my own son and only love from my arms (U.S. persons and Canadian persons involved). I was singing this song, over and over. I also sang this song to the homeless people under a bridge in Portland, Oregon and talked with them. This one guy who was so skinny he looked like he was dying from anorexia, stopped, turned around, and walked back to me to thank me for singing this song.

This is one I like a lot: Indigo Girls "Get Out the Map"! I sang this one all the time, commuting from Oregon to Washington state.

You know what this guy said to me today? "Have a good show." Really. Either I'm part of a show or I am listening to and part of people in a show. SHOWTIME! ?!

This man just came over to me and said, "I just wanted to thank you for your very pleasant smile. I came in here, stressed out, and it was nice." and that was it! and then he left.

I'm hungry. Watch me eat.

This guy came over and cracked me up. Told me he was wheeling and dealing with some restaurant guys who are all hard up and short on cash and he's delivering fish and they're all telling him he can have whatever he wants, on a tab. So, he said, he can't drink enough...and he's trying to drink. He said, "you wanna run up a tab with me sometime?" LOL. That is the funniest line I've heard in a long time and I said, okay sure. I'm not interested AT ALL but he's hilarious and he'd probably like to give me some things to write about. He said, "There's this topless place..." and I thought he said TOPLESS but he actually said "tapas". I was about to say, "Who IS this? is this CHRIS?" all the crab cake talk. He said he brought a buddy last time and they ran up a $280 tab but he's only at $700 or something and he's had everything on the menu. He looked exhausted and depleted. "I've already TRIED everything" he said. I said, $280? wow, you must drink but he said no, it was like, this guy set a big bottle of Belvedere on the table and said "drink that" and he had one drink and his buddy drank the rest.

He was going to take my email address but I don't always get my mail so I said I'd maybe shoot one out to him and then he could write me. I took his number and he said his name was Ray. I said my name was "Cam." He said, for what? "Cammie?" and I said, "Yeah." He looked at me. I said, "Well, short for a lot of things, you know. It's just Cam." He said, "Ray is short for Raymond." and nodded, to be sure I caught that. Yes. He's like Raymond from "Everybody Loves Raymond". I said thanks for making me laugh and then he left. I'm not attracted to him at all, so I hope that's not misleading to go out with someone--well, I think he understands as friends. Oh, he said I have an accent. I said, "I do?" and he said "Northern" and I said, what do you mean? And he said, "Canadian." I said I thought HE had a Canadian accent and he said he'd been told he sounded like he was from "southern california." But he said "about" the Canadian way, or one of those things.

I like "you're the one" by tracy chapman. I probably fit that song. I like Sarah Bettens "Put it out for Good". I like "These Days" by Chantal Kreviazuk. It's such a good song, kind of idealistic, and then antigone rising "should have been the one" comes BLASTING in. "Love is a Battlefield" by Pat Benatar. "Explain it to Me" Liz Phair. Rachel Sage's "Wildflower" is a good song. And "World's on Fire" by Sarah McLaughlin.

I don't know what to do. I think Percocet makes me brain-dead and unmotivated. I can't focus very well. But it actually helps with the pain. I need to find something that is stronger that actually kills my back pain without affecting my brain. The narcotics sort of make me feel better, well, definitely physically, but they are SLIGHT mood elevators too, I think, just a bit, but they make me USELESS. If I could just take Advil it would be nice because I don't notice it affects my brain or motivational drive as much.

The problem is, I am not, and have never been, addicted to narcotic painkillers. When I've taken them, I've really needed them. But I don't know what else is supposed to work as well. There is nothing else, I've ever tried, that works as well for this type of pain. Toradol doesn't work, and I've been taking really high levels of Advil and Tyelnol too long. The small thing of steroids didn't work either. At all. I have legitimate pain and after taking the Percocet this morning, waking up with pain and feeling I'm dying, I DO notice it helps. I wonder if some other kind of block would work. I'm past the physical therapy stuff. I mean, it's not pain from being out of shape or anything. It's pain that affects me day to day. At least, on the Percocet, I've been able to write and sit. I can't do that and was extremely grouchy without it because of the pain levels. But it lowers my motivation or focus. The other stuff like Lyrica would be worse and Flexeril and Valium aren't good for anything except sleeping. So I don't know what to try.

There's a legitimate use for narcotic painkillers. They do help. It's just that I can't get things done that I would usually get done. I would never take something just to take it.

I like this song a lot..."from me to you" by janis Ian. This is my favorite one of the day. Heather Nova's "A Way To Live" is amazing. I didn't think anyone could dare to try this one and match Issac's version, but this one is the best female or male version, aside from Chris', that I've ever heard. Really beautiful.

I've had something else going on that's been concerning, besides pain from physical injury, and it's truly concerning. There have been some things that make me seriously question...

More revenge and attempts to keep me from getting my son back. Really sorry things. I have been constantly fighting to get help for getting my son back and I've been delayed and promised a lot of things that have only been ways to keep me from getting things done.

And I've been deliberately set up and used. I know where some of the attempts to arrest me have come from, as well. From some of the same people who claim they are wanting to "help" me. They have been flat out lying to my face and it is how I've suddenly ended up at a courthouse with some guy trying to do a sting. I've had people with very serious agendas for REVENGE trying to trap and trip me up.

I like "Sleepless" by Jann Arden. "Everything You Get" by ? is good too.

I think there have some people, for and against me, who are Canadian, American, and Colombian. I do not believe just one group of people is all bad or all against me. But different groups, as a whole, have wanted different things out of me. And not everyone is on the same page as to what they think about me and trust me. A few might love me but I think there are more that hate me, and if not ME, hate what I stand for and my "approach" to things.

Even the different means of how to get me have been varied. One wants to do this, and someone else wants to do that. A LOT of people are lying. I am punished for being honest, honest about others and things that have been done to me.

Then I think some people want to help me but it seems it's more about helping themselves. I do believe some have also changed their minds--some for better and some for worse.

I like Brandi Carlile's "The Story". That would sum up what being a soulmate is about. hhahaaa. Dar Williams' "The Christians and the Pagans"--I love this song. lol. I want to play this at Christmas for my children as a tradition. lol.

What becomes difficult, too, is figuring out who is lying, why they are lying, and to what magnitude. I have accepted lying into my repetoire, my own personal life, where I used to train myself to never lie under any circumstances at all. When my enemies found out about this, they used it to their advantage. I wouldn't lie about whether my boss was in his office or not. I refused to lie about this, and even small white lies I never used.

Then, I accepted lying as necessary, and sometimes the kinder thing, and also, the most noble thing to do. I accepted lying for small things, as long as I wasn't covering up my own shit to excuse myself for things I shouldn't be doing anyway. As long as it wasn't a cop out, I figured it was alright. Then too, I thought, does anyone reeeaaaallly want to hear their ass is as wide as a rainbow? So, if they really wanted to know which pair of pants to wear, I would tell them, but I wasn't going to be blunt about it. And then there was lying for a noble cause--protection of those who are vulnerable and whose identities should be concealed for their safety, privacy, or whatever (Rahab, identity doubles for good cause). Also, I had to LIE about my injury and how it occured, in order to finally get a doctor to take me seriously because they were blowing me off and it was becoming dangerous to my health. If I hadn't lied about falling off of a deck, I never would have...well, I almost died. I very likely would have died if I had NOT lied to help myself. I mean, that ectopic and all the other problems...I would have bled to death. And that almost happened several times, as I struggled to fight for my own life. Alone. I had to rely on my OWN judgement, the same judgement that CPS and the state and many in my own country said was so "flawed".

There are some very good reasons to lie. People lie to even fake their own deaths.

So there is no big grand revelation or thing to reveal right now, from me, except, well, first of all... There is my discovery that in my journey from becoming this absolute innocent and very, very, naive but striving truth-teller, to becoming wiser, I became confused and I am still a little confused about where to draw the line. I am also wiser about others, and their motivations or potential motivations for lying. The hardest part, is figuring out why someone is lying and if it isn't that big of a deal or not.

I didn't grow up street smart. My family also had no need to be very sophisticated (to my knowledge unless my Dad was involved in something) and conceal things for good cause. Actually, it must not have been nurture, because my brother lied a lot and I didn't. If he hit me, he'd lie and say he never did. I would say, "Yes I DID!" and maybe I would even that it had been satisfying to do so. If I did try to lie, I always got caught. My father commented, more than once, how it always found me out.

I think I was ethical but also fairly normal and not extreme one way or the other, until sometime in high school when I decided it was "wrong" to lie, EVER. I think I developed this idea, maybe out of high school, in the extreme, as a discipline...possibly after my car accident where my friend Mike died. I had promised God I would be the very best and holiest that I could be and that I would fix my family and other relationships if given a chance to live. So I became more and more extreme but I wasn't "nutty" or anything, just had some very purist ideas. On top of trying to be perfect and good all the time, I became a total doormat for everyone and anyone to walk on. I think THIS is the "Cameo" that my parents miss. I was always the one taking the blame, the first to say sorry even if something wasn't my fault at all. I was a little nutty though, because I gave all of my money away, more money than any of my friends had at my age, and was thinking, naively, that it would just come back to me like bread on the water. Yeah, that whole bread on the water thing...just remember if it ever DOES come back, it comes back soggy and in pieces all over the shoreline. So I naively thought I didn't need to think about myself at all. I thought that's what I was supposed to do and then I wondered why my family was then upset at me for not being financially independent when I had physical problems and no money. They were always bragging about how "generous" I was, but then when I gave everything away...It's too long to explain.

But then, I started to revise my philosophies about lying and when it was good or bad, wrong or right. And it has helped me and saved my life, and helped me to uncover more TRUTH, through mild or temporary deceipt, than I would have uncovered being absolutely honest about everything.

Yet now I see, where the "slippery slope" is. Actually, I don't. I still don't know exactly where the slippery slope is. I think part of it is, too, when I see the possibilities, and the options available out in the world, for lying, for a variety of reasons, I am more afraid about the intentions of everyone else. I still cannot get over the shock I felt at being lied about, to so many people, especially by people I trusted so much, the monks at the Abbey, and their religious lawyers, who I THOUGHT, had the same general philosophy about lying being bad. No, I was lied about and the justice system, to be used for justice, was used against me, for revenge. Others said, "What did you expect?!" but I expected more. I did not expect betrayal to that degree. Never. I did not have any "issues" before this happened, but when police were used against me to cite me falsely and intimidate me, I had a panic-anxiety attack for the first time in my life. Which was normal, for someone with my background enduring that kind of shock at how wrong the justice system. I'm not saying I was a victim, well, I don't say that for pity. Then it just kept snowballing and then my son and I were really, very seriously, injured.

For all my attempts to honestly get help and assistance, no one in the U.S. paid any attention. If anything, the wrong information was put out about me, which made it even worse for me. I was told to "drop" things, but no one listened to what I was saying--that there was a group that didn't care that I had "dropped" the actual litigation, they were going after me to bury me alive. If I tried to assert myself at all, to follow through on something, just one complaint even, I was punished. I saw some really horrible things and that was before I was writing a blog. When I finally found a way to write on a blog, to protect myself, or in an attempt to get my story out, there was even more incentive or reason to harm me. And that's exactly what happened.

So I don't know why I'm rehashing all the way back. I guess it's about lying and figuring out what lies are okay and helpful and which are not good and are harmful in the end. It is more difficult for me to know who I can trust now. Because some groups seem to want ME to bend and yet they are not willing to give an inch. They want me to trust them but they haven't trusted me. Some of the promises made were only promises made to delay me or to push me into a worse situation. At first, I think some were sincere about me, but then it seems it was just about trying to cover the bottom line. I saw flashes of like and dislike on the faces. I realized too, that some people are not just for one thing, but that they are doubles. And then it's confusing to know which one is the right one.