Dance Performance I Saw Tonight

I saw a dance performance tonight that was, for me, healing in a way.

I've been emotional today. "Are you crying?" said my ex-now-on, just now. I said, "nada." He said "you don't cry for nothing." and I said "yes i do. i said, it's this song--i like this song." It's "Lucky One" by Krause.

But anyway, I ....LOL. I started cracking up laughing and told ex-on. I'm going to call him Exxon from now on. I told Exxon that I think I'm losing it.

Well, I have to eat something and then I'm going to write about the dance.

Exxon asked me why I'm not eating. He said I'm so skinny, and that I've lost more weight since our engagement. I am thin. But it's not on purpose. I try to eat. It's not his fault either, that I'm skinny. I've been trying to eat. I ate, today, a half piece of pizza and all the pineapple on the rest of the pieces. I had a 1/4 of an italian sandwich today. I guess that's it, and coffee.

I told Exxon that I think I might be dying. Seriously, because my bones hurt so badly. My pelvis and my spine and this morning, my right pubic bone was throbbing really bad, and was very strange. I don't know, of course, that I'm dying, but I'm not having my period anymore and the pain is bad and my stomach problems aren't that much better. I told him I'll have to get something else for the pain besides Percocet. I need more Percocet but I'd rather take less of that and get a shot or something that's more permanent.

So, about the dance performance. I just cried. Happy or released tears, but tears at three different parts. I controlled myself though. I wasn't noticeable.

It made me remember how powerful dance is, and music too, but I forgot about dance. I forgot how it moves me and I don't see enough dance. I almost felt like it was heaven-sent, a special gift. It was a true blessing for me to see it. It was modern, incorporating ballet and other forms. Very expressive and I liked how it was abstract, AND it engaged elements of science! I couldn't believe it. It was dance incorporating mind and...ohmigosh...heart. It was making a physical and intellectual connection. Like what I was writing about the other day...how it is difficult to change unless there is a mind-body or mind-heart connection. It was a blending of the physical and the metaphysical. Also, the seen and the unseen. I noticed how it was visual but I never noticed, until the very end, the man at the top, doing the sound engineering for the music. The unseen part.

Exxon and I are listening to music and he almost began to cry at Mary Chapin Carpenter's "10,000 Miles". I looked at him and he had tears in his eyes and then hit his chest, and said he was just sick.

So, I walked in when they were doing this patting down and brushing off and I almost burst into tears right away. The way they, this large group of women, were brushing down their arms with their hands is exactly what I saw in one of the images flashing in front of my eyes, but it was a man doing this. It was done in exactly the same way. The brushing down of the arms was exactly what I saw.

It was like a patting to awaken the senses and brushing off of the old. Like a preparation and stimulation of the senses. So I saw that patting, which made me think of the black and white swan performance I saw on an arts station recently and it reminded me of the swan routine, but then the brushing of the arms, made it personal.

Then, I liked this part where there was a ticking of the clock. I heard and saw the grandfather clock and they made a movement for the grandfather clock and then, I almost LOST it, when I suddenly realized it also sounded like a baby rocker, or a baby swing rocking. It was a clock tick-tocking and a baby swinger rocking. I thought about the grey's anatomy song "cosy in the rocket".

The next part I liked was this part where these two women were lying on top of eachother, and there was the sound of breathing and of heartbeating and this was very moving.

Also, backing up there was a beautiful improv by a solo dancer. It was so pretty and she jumped and turned and spun with her arms in the air and then on the ground.

My favorite part then, was at the very end, when the women came out and they were nude. They were so beautiful, all of them, I was so shocked. It was really beautiful and I thought how brave. It wasn't even seductive, but being so visual, it WAS, especially at first. But then it sort of turned into something else and for me, it was healing in a way. Because I saw all of these beautiful women, together and not in competition but in unison. They were not backstabbing and trying to vie for attention, but each was just beautiful in her own right and they were all equally strong and brave. THEN, they had these dog dishes of paint in front and they began to drench themselves in paint. First it was one, and then the others, dipped a toe in and then a hand, and drenched themselves in color. But first it was just one and it was sort of joyous how she covered herself in this way, and later I thought about that movie the Black Book and how the woman was drenched in refuse and here was this contrast of women drenching themselves in colorful paint. I didn't cry until this one who sort of had my body shape, a little, I guess, before I had my son that is, she took off dancing and leaping through the air and I just had tears streaming down my face because I saw myself in her.

I saw her and first it was silent tears and then I was trying to control silent sobbing, you know, when you're body is shaking but no sound is coming out, thankfully. I gathered myself together though, thank goodness.

Oh, there was one other part, where a woman burst out laughing in the crowd and then was dancing and laughing hysterically but then crying. She did a good job because from the start, there was this sadness under the surface, like when we're laughing and crying and I've done a bit of that lately. The whole laughing and crying at the same time.

But the part where the women painted themselves was just gorgeous. After the one girl took off leaping around, the scene ended. Then the next part, the last part was very joyous and celebratory. It was the first part that got to me though. The transformation.

I saw one woman saw me when I was breaking down with tears in my eyes. She had dark brown hair in a bob and a curvacious figure with a very pretty face. She was looking directly at me and I was crying. Another aside, I liked how the women had their hair down for the nude scene. It was pretty and I liked the braids too. Something about the braids was very cool and I think it was symbolic.

It was called "Dancing Through The Synapses" by SHMIBdance. It was their first performance and I was very lucky it was free. It was horrible how little I could contribute to the donation. Very pitiful but I haven't a lot at this moment. Seriously. I wanted to give more after seeing it, but I really couldn't because I'm broke. They are going to Manhatten next I think.

I saw this and thought, "I should live in NY." But I don't think so, really. The art director came out and I thanked her later, in private, and burst into tears thanking her. But when they were taking questions, I knew I couldn't ask anything or say anything or I might cry and I didn't want to cry.

But, at any rate, it was really wonderful and made me think about several sections of my life. It was very personal to me. The dancing was really good and I was shocked to find quality art and dance.

I forgot, this other thing that was uncanny, was the part where the women in the group are talking out loud, as if in their sleep. the first thing one says is, "i want to paint the walls red and white." which is weird because i've had a lot of red and white imagery lately and wondered what it meant. i had that one dream of cans of paint with red and white paint even.

and then they said other things and i almost laughed out loud at the part where one says "did i do my role right?" or something to that effect of wondering aloud if she played the part to satisfaction. and then the next one says something about did she get the lines right? i almost laughed out loud because it sounded like the thoughts in MY head! i don't know, it was so strange, in a very good way.

thank you. thank you God. it was up there, that performance, with the day this little boy gave me an armful of roses, just a half hour after i was praying to God about how much i loved roses and thank you God for the roses and I wish i had some roses for my vase. i'd have to look it up, but i was praying about this, thanking God for roses and the next thing i know, there were roses on my porch by the door, and i found a note: "from cody". the little boy down the street. it was the most amazing thing. and this dance performance was up there, with that day. i felt like God himself had heard me and used someone else to make me happy and to touch me.

i am thinking, i should pray more. i pray a little bit, but not like i used to. i mean, i'm spiritual now but not fanatic, but maybe i could pray more for others again. the other day i did pray for all the men i could think of in my life. i think i should pray for people who are sick and dying again, probably, and for...? i pray for my family even though they're already doomed. i pray for my son all the time. i pray for granny of course, and i know, intuitively, when she's not okay and get the urge to call her. a prompting. i took the bracelet off of my wrist, but i'm not wearing a ring either. i did fall for chris dabney but he's done some odd things and if he wanted something, he would call. i think it's odd he did nothing, while i was in the middle of everything and then tried to justify this later. i know he and nikki have a computer and they read my blog, and he had every opportunity to call and check on things but never did. so, i think it's odd. the person i thought was secretly giving me messages was, who knows, maybe not him afterall. but i wanted him to give me a sign and he never did. is he chris or will wagler? i still don't know. i still have to track down his family to know for sure. that would be the last thing i need to know to even know how to write my complaint and whether i'm endangering anyone or defaming someone or not. i prayed for william and henry a few days ago too. who else? um...i've actually thought about prince charles but i don't think i prayed for him or anyone else. he just crossed my mind. i guess i'll be praying for all of them if i'm going to write about them, well, not them, but her. but i want to get it right.

druids. rosanne cash--will you remember me. i noted the clannads song today as well about the ring of stones. the forgotten. not saying what the person was that is forgotten or mentioned.

i don't forget anything. but i also don't wait around for nothing. i have to have a sign. i also need to know some things.

goodnight.