English Man No More

I don't think the English guy is going to call. He said he would but he's not called. I have no idea why, but if someone has an English accent, I automatically think they are a friend or of the good and friendly variety. It is probably from years of reading English lit and all about these lovely characters. And THEN I have to remind myself, how I do know many were awful to Diana and SHE didn't trust them, so how do I know. Besides which, I started meeting a lot of English or European people after I published stuff about this new interest in her case.

I say "her case" because it's not closed, to me.

I think the man knows the father of my babies (the twins). I just think so, have some reasons why. Maybe not but I think so.

I have a very valid case of not knowing who to trust. I can trust my oldest friends and that's it. The ones I've known since I was 15 who stayed by my side through everything. I had this huge wide circle of "friends" who were like characters from the parable of the good seed. It was like some lasted through my semi-difficulties and then others lasted a little longer, but different things pluck people apart.

Speaking of English, like Placebo's "This Picture". very good English band. "Good" by Better than Ezra is also good. Bush's "Kiss the Rain" is good. Del Amitri's "Roll to Me" is one I remember liking when it first came out.

What's odd, is everyone has a different motive or reason for casting people away. It takes different things and then others surprise you with their loyalty and even strangers can be closer than family.

I read that Diana was accused of instability for, for example, one minute being curt or loud and yelling at a group to leave her alone and then the next minute, accepting flowers from a sweet group of admirers. I think she was probably one who saw through the bullshit very quickly and then was getting ready to become a little bit chattier about things she had proximity too, and they did away with her.

I, personally, think it was the arms stuff and political or religiously motivated. I think her family was used as a smokescreen to cast doubt that direction, but the only thing I do hold to, is the fact that Diana expressed some concerns regarding relatives and if SHE did, knowing what I already know, that she was not clinically paranoid, and very intuitive, I think I cannot rule it out automatically. It seems so ghastly and unlikely but no doctor finds a cure if they don't listen and believe to the patient. I want to know more.

I haven't been researching things about her lately. It's just been all this marriage stuff and nothing to do with anything else.

I feel like I was thrown into a bunch of teacups at the fairground and they forgot to turn it off, and just kept spinning me around and around, and these new unfamiliar faces come over to sit next to me and i barely see what they look like we're moving too fast, and there are these motives that come out of nowhere. These motives have charms and figures attached to them. Charms on a thin bracelet. I don't know why I suddenly saw motives as charms, but I did, on a gold bracelet. Which makes no sense. I guess I'll try to think of some images and then get to work on my life,

Who knows. How does anyone really know what I'm thinking anyway? How does anyone know what parts of this blog are ruse and which parts are true? Other than the TTSOML posts, which I swore were all true and accurate.

I may be getting married afterall. Who knows. I took off the ring, but does that mean anything? It means I took off the ring and said I took it off. That's it. No one can use a blog to determine anyone's mental state or what's going on in actuality unless they know what that person is thinking.

It may be, I tell no one what it is I'm really thinking. It may be, that I say this and that to prove it's really nobody's business and that I should be able to write and be the only one who really knows which posts are disclaimers or outliers or illusions, and which are true. Imagine that most everything I write is an illusion.

One other thing I will promise, aside from TTSOML's, all the justice system crap and my complaints about those in government positions...all of this is true. I would never lie about any of that. It is also true, everything I said about my son and what the state and U.S. has done. All of it is true, and the bits about being approached by federal people and the spies and things...that's true.

I think to myself, I don't know anything about Pakistan really, or Iran, or the people. I don't know much about Osama bin Ladin either.

What I do know, is they've not been my enemy for any reason. I mean, I can't think of anyone who has ever been, and I know they've been discriminated against and prejudiced against just for their race or religion and other things. I've been defamed so I understand what this is like, and the extend to how this is possible in the U.S.

I have seen the WORST of the U.S. "justice system" and it's underbelly of corruption. I DO believe in the U.S. and believe it should not be "destroyed" by jihaadists, or anyone for any reason. There are a lot of good people here. But the problem is, they don't know what's going on. The good people, that is, and they believe anything they're told.

I don't care if anyone thinks it is a "crazy idea"...I truly believe Osama bin ladin would like me. I have faith in myself and in MY MOTIVES. I know I've had a LOT of people try to use me and screw me, but I have done good and been good. To all kinds of people. When my grandmother was worried about my working at a homeless shelter late at night, to help others and get grounded myself in their experiences, and when I was told I'd have to work with homeless men as well, and wasn't I afraid of getting killed? My response was: "No. I'll wear pink and they will like me."

Baby pink. And I said, "I will smile and they won't be able not to like me back and won't want to harm me." A simple explanation for the basic rule of treating people with respect.

Some with power, expect respect and see groveling all the time. Others do not get respect at all and they do NOT forget those who treat them like human beings with the same rights as everyone else.

Some of the most "dangerous" people I've met have been those who look so normal and nothing bad is written about them and they keep their darkness inside of themselves. Those, the ones in hiding, behing the oxford shirts or worker shirts or whatever sort of dress, are those I am more concerned about. They wear FBI or state worker badges and think this excuses them for all kinds of corruption. Or some purposefully use their position as a cover for deliberate corruption.

I am nervous about the unknown, but I feel confident that if most people could talk to me and meet me, they would like me. Which is why I think Osama would like me. And I also think peace is possible. It's as if there is an idea that everything is so out of control, we are in dire straights and could be obliterated at any moment, when the Taliban terrorists and people are no different, I think, than the Protestant and Catholic terrorists or militias or freedom fighters or whatever. I think people have to talk about things, find common ground, and laugh. If you can't joke about things and respect people enough to hear what they have to say, it will get you nowhere.

I don't like this song by UltraNata "Free Remix". it says "you're free to do what you want to do". wish it were that easy but i think it's hollow for most people who know one is only as free as possible within confines of their situation. a lot of things affect 'freedom' and the kind of choices available. it's a good get-drunk song.

I don't much about the Middle East, but I think every nation of people should have their own land for existance and happiness, without harassment. I think Israel should be secure as a nation and many countries have wanted to obliterate it. But also, the Palestinians should have their own land. Their own Muslim neighbors won't open the doors to them. It's like they're trapped on a swamp-land and why would anyone ever be happy with that? When they live, every day, in terrible conditions, and see suffering on an almost daily basis, it is only going to be natural to be angry and have a massive country PTSD. They are going to lash out at those they feel have ignored their cries. They would naturally attempt to organize and protect themselves, just like mafias to some degree, militias, and others. I mean, from what I hear, mafias these days are not about protecting their families from corruption anymore as just making money. Every group's mission can be perverted and corrupted. But they is never anything wrong with the desire to protect ones family.

If Ireland can demonstrate peace or at least a peace treaty for such a long period, it shouldn't be any different for the Taliban and others. I think it's more fear of the unknown because less is known about "islamic militants" than "protestant" or "catholic" militants. The christian religion is so familiar in the U.S. and rhetoric about in the name of God doesn't sound fanatic the way it does when the same thing is coming from Islamic militants.

One of my favorite songs: "Believe" by K's Choice.

In any relationship, in anything in life, I have to know my course, and what I want, and once decided, cannot allow myself or others to distract me.

I was going to meet the one guy from London, I thought, today. I have to make decisions. I felt mixed messages from him and I am charmed by him but don't if he is very interested in me and then he always called me right after I was talking to someone from Pakistan. He travels to these countries on diplomacy business I believe.

This is what I want:

1. My son. I am not going to get my son by being defamed further and agreeing to further violations of law and my rights. I am getting my son the way I would want him to fight for something and for himself, strengthened and not in a position to be further abused. There is no way in hell I would go to Wenatchee with zero money and no support and just imagine "everything will work out fine!" I've already seen all the illegal things happen. It would be very, very, foolish to trust anyone in Wenatchee or the state there, to correct themselves or do the right thing when I know and have evidence they were trying to screw me from the start. So I'm absolutely FOR my son, but cannot go with nothing and allow them to screw us over even further. NO word from my family by the way. Not one person from my family calling or writing to offer support. I think, since I've been out here, I've called my family a few times and not ONCE has anyone initiated a call. This was no different when I was a single mom with my son with me. I was always the one to call and I had to BEG my parents to come to my son's 1st birthday party. They grumbled it would be "gas money". They are not poor, but they are some of the stingiest, selfish people I know.

2. My reputation restored and accountabilty for those who bullied me so long. I wouldn't wish upon them the cruelty they inflicted upon me. They should still be held accountable by whatever just means necessary.

3. Finish college and study language, complete my degree in English Literature, and go on to an advanced degree. If I had enough money, I would want to have some time to write creatively and buy a film recorder and be involved in music and making my own short comedic films. The only kind of movie I want to make is comedy or perhaps with the strange odd absolute heartbreak section that is natural.

4. Diplomacy. I want to meet people from all over the world and put things together, for music in international areas, and then also, I would personally really like to meet people from other countries and brainstorm. I'm very good at thinking of ideas. Not so good with details, but I love people and ideas. I am especially interested in Latin American countries not fighting eachother and being strong on their own, and getting rid of marijuana as a crime in both U.S. and there. I think we could at least try this and see if it helps to keep some people employed in a "business" they're already expert at, but get it legitimized.

Ireland. I'm interested in their keeping of the peace and I fully understand what it's like to be harassed by some group because of religion or insult. I think there are more people in Ireland interested in keeping peace--everyone just wants justice and what's fair.

Osama. I want to meet him personally. I have two people on my list for people I want to meet. Brenda Wells, who testified about Diana's collision, and Osama because I would like to hear his perspective and if he and his team think they could reconsider the violence if it about Palestine mainly or securing land for everyone. I've read about his personality and interests and think I could find things to talk about with him. I sort of want to meet Putin, just to see if he's so tough as he presents but I always have images of him crying, in my minds eye, and I think it's a big, cultivated, front, the exterior image. At some point, I think it would be nice to meet Harry and William because while I don't know them to trust them on a personal level instantly, I absolutely trust what they have to say about their mother. I cannot trust anyone's opinions or motives on this matter, except theirs.

(really like "Your Woman" by White Town. Caught my ear, and had to look them up)

I don't know what the deal with Russia is. I had more people come by lately who acted like they hated me--got this vibe, and if I had to peg them as having any "look" it would be Russian but I think there must be a whole lot of factions. I don't know what's going on with them.

(I really do like The Verve Pipe "Underneath". It's beautiful. It makes me wonder about so many things). I really like Puddle of Mudd's "Blurry". I remember hearing this a lot at work and almost cried once.

5. I want to marry for love, my true love, whoever he is. People marry for many reasons and not all reasons are bad, but someday I want to be with my soulmate and I do think there is a soulmate for me.

(heard a good guanamo apes? song...very rowdy but good. Duran Duran's "ordinary world" is really good. one of my favorites).