Waiting for Loan (in vain)

No one. I went to the place I said I'd be and, as usual, no one is here to help me.

The only time someone is trying to "help" me is when it benefits them in some way and it's always a man. Always a man who just wants to get into my pants.

And today, I saw "Tex" driving by. The same fucker from the Post Pub, turning left off of the Clopper exit when I was turning right. He saw me, and he was laughing about something--I'm not saying it was about me. He was alone in his car, and he saw me before he turned off to the left.

Plenty of people know how to find me when they want to. Plenty of U.S. law enforcement types especially. They just so happen to know exactly which courthouse I'm going to be at, and at what time.

Pete Garrity tried to call me AGAIN, and left ANOTHER message for me, after I wrote about the nice little sting he was trying to pull. He left a message on my cell phone, telling me to call him.

I feel like I'm still being forced into some kind of bizarre Latin American-American union for who knows what objective. I have made my objective clear--that I want my son. I have people from my own government trying to entrap me and force my hand, knowing they put me in this position in the first place. I should rephrase--there is nothing bizarre about Latin Am-American unions or whatever. Everyone already knows I actually love Latin America and the culture and want my son to be a part of it in some way. But give me a fucking break.

I'd like to know if the whole thing is to turn me into some kind of Mafia Queen, or, they hope, I will become a spy at some point. I already made my fucking point CLEAR. I DO NOT WANT TO BE A SPY FOR ANYONE.

That is the god-damn, honest, heartfelt and known truth. When I say I'd be good at, or would like investigative work, I don't mean SPYING. I mean, putting puzzles together. And I don't like jigsaw puzzles either, for the record. When I say puzzles or investigative work, I mean, looking at papers and documents and hearing what people have to say and pulling it apart and putting things together.

I am good at remembering discrepencies. And, I'm good at finding creative soclutions and taking a logical approach. Which is why I was better than most of the lawyers at the Archdicoese bankruptcy thing. Some of them weren't even paying attention to what was being said. I know things go in one ear and out the other, for me, sometimes. But if I'm paying attention and listening, I remember at least parts of conversation even verbatim.

SO, when I say investigative, I mean, looking at information that's already gathered, OR, I do like asking questions.

I like the song "Say What You Want" by Texas, a LOT. That's a very good song. Really cool sound engineering with the breath breaking effect. I also like "The Right Kind of Wrong" by LeeAnn Rimes. And I don't know who sings it, but the "Just Leave Me Alone" song. That's what I say, when I'm upset. I was crying in bed a week ago, totally sobbing, and almost all night, for maybe the first and only time in years, and A. kept coming in and wanting to see if I was okay and all I said, over and over, was "leave me alone!" "Leave me ALONE!" "Just leave me alone!!!"